Oh, it’s Friday alright.

And today’s edition of the Weekly News Roundup is particularly fat and juicy, so let’s get down to business fast.

First things first: after thousands and thousands of annoying emails from you, my loyal readers, urging me to create a Weekly News Roundup Facebook page so you can be even lazier every Friday and find this column in one click instead of three, guess what… Here it is! Now you better like it a thousand times and share it on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and Friendster or else.

Also, if so much shit keeps going down every week in this country, I’m either gonna need an intern or a pacemaker.

Since the intern is pretty unlikely, I guess I’m fucked.

This is what you need to know before I have a stroke:

• 

  Probably for the first time in its history, Argentina had a president that was only in power for a few hours due to reasons not related to a coup d'état or a horrible economic crisis. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  On Wednesday, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner flew to Angola, a country that you know is in Africa but that’s pretty much all you know about it (What’s the capital of Angola? See? I told you) to promote bilateral trade - or so she says. Since our favorite Vice-President, mischievous Amado Boudou was in Switzerland receiving an award from the UIT - or so he says - it was up to the third person in line, Provisional Head of the Senate Beatriz Rojkés de Alperovich to step up to the challenge and become acting President, at least until any of the other two came back. Beatriz, a gaffe-prone politician known for accidentally voting in favor of creating a special bicameral committee to investigate Boudou (she was supposed to vote against it) was never even given a chance to speak, just in case she accidentally declared war with the UK. I’m telling you, you can’t even make this whole thing up. It’s like living in an endless sitcom.

• Meanwhile, in Angola… THIS.

• Speaking of Vice-President Amado Boudou, the poor man (I say “poor man” figuratively) can’t catch a break. Not only he’s being investigated of influence peddling, now he has also being accused of being part of an illegal enrichment scheme along with his red-hot temptress of a girlfriend.

• But if you think that it’s only the Kirchnerite realm that is in deep shit, you are dead wrong. Opposition leader by default and Buenos Aires Mayor by accident Mauricio Macri is still being investigated for allegedly authorizing the illegal wiretapping and surveillance of private citizens. Since the case is headed to trial, Macri is expected to take the stand and be questioned by the prosecution.

• But as his Nixonian nightmare continues to develop, Mayor Macri doesn’t care. This week he was busy awarding universally reviled Guatemalan singer Ricardo Arjona with one of those ugly-looking tiles that are being scattered throughout the city in a poor attempt to imitate the Hollywood Walk of Fame. That’s how much he cares about this whole espionage scandal. Macri is badass. Just like the honey badger, Mayor Macri don’t care. Mayor Macri don’t give a shit.

• Meanwhile in Angola… THIS. Government officials regaled barefoot Angolan kids with socks reading “Clarín lies.” This is conceptually so fucked up that I couldn’t even come up with a joke. Sorry.

• Last Sunday brought another edition of Periodismo Para Todos, an infotainment show hosted by serial smoker and controversial journalist Jorge Lanata that has become the de facto leader of the political opposition. Whatever new “scandal” Lanata hits Cristina with, we know that the opposition will bite on it and parrot it for days until whatever new controversy arises. This week his show focused on how Cristina hates to give press conferences (she’s only given a few during her presidency and when she does she is very aggressive towards any reporters who are ideologically different), and featured a surprise appearance by dozens of prominent journalists who chanted in unison “Queremos preguntar!” (“We want to ask questions”). Once the impromptu Greek chorus settled down, Lanata gave his guests a chance to address the President directly on live television and ask her the questions that they are not able to ask to her face. Just imagine, so many things! Inflation! Corruption! The dollar! Rising insecurity! So Argentine TV and radio legend Fernando Bravo, who doesn’t have a Wikipedia page in English so I guess he’s not that much of a legend, was the one chosen to unleash the blitz first because of his sharp tongue and acute political savvy. As the crowd went silent and the entire country sat on the edge of their seat in horror, petrified by his imminent words, Lanata approached the microphone and said: “Fernando, what would you like to ask?” And then Fernando had an “I like turtles” moment and said “Uhm, I’d like to ask the President… what does she think about this show we’re doing?” (00:44 mark). Everyone’s jaws automatically dislocated in disbelief due to the resounding stupidity of his question, and because just like that he had fucked up the entire momentum of the segment. You can even hear a few subtle chuckles by his colleagues in the back! Are you still wondering why journalism is dying?

• Oh, and by the way: if you don’t know what an “I like turtles!” moment is, click here to watch where it comes from.

• Since this week I’ve been asked to death about what I think is going to happen with the dollar, let me tell you: First, fuck you, I’m not an economist. Second: read this CNBC article that explains it pretty clearly and leave me alone.

• Oops! You know how we’re always complaining about inflation but the Government says there’s no inflation, only “price dispersion“? (You didn’t click on that link, did you? Don’t worry, I wouldn’t have either). Well, as it turns out, a group of renegade employees (or as I’ll call them: “traitors”) working for the official inflation-measuring agency INDEC decided to come clean and release the list of prices used to calculate the country’s Consumer Price Index, revealing that the figures reflect prices from 2008. Now let’s just sit and wait for the Government to accuse these men of blasphemy and explain that their numbers are cooked while assuring that according to INDEC calculations we’re indeed living in 2008, not 2012.

• As I’m sure you probably know, subway workers went on an insane 36-hour strike this week that turned traffic into one citywide clusterfuck. The reason for the strike, as I’ve stated here before, is that the Subte is in legal limbo. It’s bleeding money. A lot of money. So neither City Hall nor the National Government want to deal with it, and it’s been like that for several months now, you know the story. Plus, employees are asking for higher salaries and the company says there is no money left. So how were we, common peasants, supposed to go to work? Fret not, my fellow reader! Fortunately for you, your favorite newspaper in the whole world La Nación was there to save the day with their drama-queen headline “How to survive 36 hours without the Subte“, which was later changed to sound less apocalyptic. The article boasts some clever, mind-blowing tips to get from Point A to Point B, such as “walking” or “taking a bus.” Also, in some clear attempt to think outside of the box, it also suggests “taking a taxi” or in some extreme cases, “riding a bike.” I smell a Pulitzer!

• No, really. Are you still wondering why journalism is dying?

• Also, when I refer to La Nación as ”your favorite” Spanish-based newspaper, I mean it. I know you people are obsessed with it. I see you there “liking” it on Facebook and posting every meaningless article they put up on your timeline like there’s nothing else to read. Which means you totally dismissed my advice suggesting your read all newspapers in the country and you’ve greatly disappointed me. Now go to your room.

• And I don’t mean to freak you out but since the union conflicts within the Subte continue, workers have announced a three-day strike next week, which means they will close on Monday night and reopen on Friday morning. Oh, it’s gonna be a fun week.

• Remember how last week I lashed at the British for making that lame, lame Olympic ad spoof that “laughed” at the Argentine proclivity to be late? Guess what. This week, all is forgiven! Even better: it appears they actually took my advice and came up not only with a technically and visually superb ad, but they also made fun of Diego Maradona! Sure, the Carlsberg beer ad glorifies and potentially exacerbates the concept of hooliganism. But who cares about all that when you get to see Diego Maradona mopping the floors for a fraction of a second wearing the t-shirt of the Argentine football team? Certainly not me. Enjoy the ad.

• This week in gay: Finally! City Hall has decided to allow gay foreigners get married in the city of Buenos Aires. It seems that Mayor Macri’s views on gay marriage “evolved” just like Obama’s last week. More gay news coming up after this.

• Not content with its already flamboyantly gay name, Harrod’s Buenos Aires, that abandoned black hole sitting close to the intersection of Florida and Cordoba that has remained vacant for decades since it went broke forever ago, is apparently making a comeback. Well, not only a comeback. A gay comeback! (See? I told you it was about gay news). That’s right. The project to reopen Harrod’s, estimated at 40 million dollars, is aimed at “the gay segment of the population” which is kind of an overstatement considering nothing in this world is gayer than a shopping mall. Maybe a football game, but that’s another story. Congratulations, gays! You know you’ve finally reached equality when capitalism begins targeting your demographic for financial exploitation.

• Despite the popular belief that the New Kids on the Block were all dead, apparently they are kind of alive and for some reason they are coming to Argentina next month. It seems that even though they are neither new nor kids, they have some pretty solid fan base here. So in case you’re planning on going to see them promote their unpronounceable album, here is a link to the site where you can buy the tickets.

• I know. I’m not going either but whatever. It’s courtesy.

• I’m sure by now we’ve all lost count of how many spin-offs the Argentine version of Dancing With the Stars (in Spanish, Bailando por un Sueño, or “Dancing For a Dream”) has spawned in the last few years. But as Singing With the Stars approaches its premiere date, producers are trying to milk that cow in every way possible. So now there’s this show aptly named Soñando por Cantar (Dreaming to Sing… barf), a mixture of American Idol and something else that I’m having trouble identifying. So contestants go on stage and embarrass themselves for a few minutes and stuff. No, seriously. In a nutshell, that’s pretty much the concept of the show. And this week, this girl was on stage and was asked to perform Whitney Houston‘s unforgettable “I Will Always Love you“. Unfortunately not only she agreed to channel her inner Whitney, she also totally butchered the song by singing in Spanish and completely off key. Ms. Houston, who was probably already spinning in her grave due to this, seems to have said “enough of this bullshit” and ghost-punched her in the face to end this postmortem debauchery once and for all. The result is, of course, hilarious.

• That’s OK, take your time to laugh. There’s no rush.

• OK, this is a football one with lots of plot twists and names so chances are
  

  Lesson learned: don't piss off dead Whitney. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  I’m gonna fuck up big time. But fear not, because all that matters is the hilarious video at the end. Ricardo Caruso Lombardi is the current coach of a team named San Lorenzo. People tell me it’s a fairly popular team (I’m already lost but I’ll keep going). Caruso Lombardi is fairly new to San Lorenzo, since he was brought in to replace the former coach, Leonardo Madelón. The Madelón years were, according to football historians, pretty forgettable. In fact, he began coaching last November and was fired in April after five months of poor performances. I’m not sure what befell Madelón after his resignation but I’m pretty sure he’s dead. Or at least he’s been banished from the kingdom. I don’t know, some friends were explaining the whole thing to me but Family Guy was on and I find it really hard to retain any football-related data so I may not have all the information that you need. The thing is Madelón is gone, that’s for sure. Maybe dead, too. But anyway, last Monday afternoon Caruso Lombardi was a guest at some football TV show and, alas, he spoke ill of his (dead?) predecessor’s performance. Naturally, the predecessor’s minions (or “field assistants”) were not amused by his lack of decorum and principles and decided to go wait for him outside the TV station to discuss the matter like grown up gentlemen. Or, in other words, beat the shit out of him.

• The cop trying to separate the two of them while sexting his girlfriend at the 00:41 mark is one of the best things I’ve seen in my entire life.

• And finally! I never thought I would ever write the words “Obama” and “Boca Juniors” in the same paragraph, but here it is. This week Barack Obama was driving around Washington DC with his posse and decided to go get some food. He entered some random joint, got his sandwiches, paid, met with the owners a few minutes and left. Now, if you’re wondering why this was plastered all over the newspapers, computer screens and discussed ad nauseum in every social and TV network, it is because the guy behind the counter was wearing a Boca Juniors t-shirt!! Not only that, Obama said that the t-shirt had “beautiful colors”! Oh my God, you guys!!!!!! This was enough to make all Boca fans around to world to join in a collective orgasm and miraculously start praising Obama for being the best president in like, ever. It was also featured here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

• And of course, minutes later the restaurant owner had his fifteen minutes of fame after Clarín published his mandatory “Who is…?” profile. He likes to sell choripanes, people! Thank God for that piece of information. My life is now complete.

• For the last time, are you still wondering why journalism is dying? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

“I know you don’t read the news, but it’s friday, I know this.

So I’m going to educate you today.

‘Cause it’s friday, you ain’t got no (real) job,

and you ain’t got shit to do - till 1am when you head to Pacha Jet!”

Did you enjoy that opening? It was a contribution by over-enthusiastic reader Mychael H.

Great job Mychael! I’m gonna put it right here on the refrigerator door. And those who didn’t like it, take it up with him.

Now here’s everything you need to know:

Transgender people throughout the country celebrated that once again equality comes first. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• This week Congress seemed to remember that they are supposed to do something and passed two very important laws. First, the “Gender Identity” law, which seeks to provide citizens the power to “freely develop their personalities in accordance with their gender identity,” and the right “to be treated according to their gender identity.” This, of course, includes their DNI, which will have to state their gender of choice.

• The second law passed is the “Dignified Death” law, which grants terminally-ill patients the “right to express their will concerning the refusal of surgical procedures, artificial reanimation or life-support treatment.” This excludes, however, euthanasia and assisted suicide. Pretty fucking good, eh? Pretty fucking good… (except for religious conservatives, who are running in circles as we speak, horrified by society’s continuous moral decay). So while in the Northern Hemisphere half of the United States is kind of entering the 21st century and North Carolina is going back to the Dark Ages, Argentina breezes in to the 23rd century, maybe.

• And now onto the Brits. They are pissed, you know? And rightfully so, since that Malvinas “Olympics” ad was kind of uncalled for. Sure, it poses a legitimate claim and it helps maintain the Malvinas sovereignty debate alive, but it also brings a political debate into the Olympics ecochamber, which we all know is verboten, even though it has been happening since Nazi Germany, when Jesse Owens (a black guy!) won a gold medal and Adolf Hitler pissed his pants in anger. So the political cognoscenti vowed revenge against the Argentine population and shot back with their ultimate weapon: this.

• Are you kidding me? From all the things you could use to mock Argentina you chose to make fun of… tardiness? I mean, this country is comedy gold and all you could think of was that? OK, at the risk of being deemed a traitor by the Argentine population, let me give you some advice on what you can make fun of next time you want to mock Argentina:

• What Cristina looked like before surgeries.
• Maradona’s 1986 infamous “hand of God” goal.
• The couple who married under the Maradonian church. And yes, that is an actual wedding. Not a joke.
• Argentina’s Nazi past. Next time you enter the Luna Park stadium to enjoy some random concert, keep in mind that 74 years ago, the place looked like this. And that’s not a joke either.
• Mayor Mauricio Macri‘s cringe-inducing, embarrassing rendition of Queen’s “We Will Rock You”. And yes, that actually happened.
• The fact that these sideburns were president from 1989 to 1999.
• The fact that every 80′s movie in Argentina was a ripoff from a Hollywood blockbuster or a hit American TV series. Here are some excerpts of the local versions of: “Alf“, “ET“, “Ghostbusters” (or “Thriller”, if you will), “Airplane!“, and Robocop. Also, I may or may not have one or more of those movies on DVD.
• Finally: please don’t send me emails saying “Legitimate claim? Bla bla bla islands are British bla bla bla self-determination.” I already know all that and I still don’t care.

• President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, of course, was offended at the British for being offended. Here’s her speech about it. Just so you know, she doesn’t say anything she hasn’t said a million times before. She rants about how creativity is a lot better than bombing other countries. A false analogy that I personally loved.

• Sure, now that the YPF expropriation bill has been passed no one in the country cares about it anymore. But the European Union has a long memory, and even though this whole thing happened like ten days ago the political confederation refuses to forget, and this week they warned that retaliation is imminent. Whatever it is they do, let’s hope it’s better than that fucking “tardiness” ad.

• Another dead body found in the Bosques de Palermo area. You sure you still wanna go jogging there? Because it’s all starting to sound a little too much like a scene from The Silence of the Lambs.

• Here’s another photo you can add to Vice-President Amado Boudou‘s Infamous Hall of Infamy, back from when he was a DJ for the fashion world. How he ended up in politics, we may never know. The photo joins other unforgettable classics, such as “Tongue Vs. Tongue” and “Drunk in my underwear.” Enjoy!

• “But this has no information value!“, you say? Oh please. As if you really came here every Friday to be informed.

• Are you one of the millions of Movistar users whose life was seriously endangered for several hours when the company’s service went down a couple of months ago and people couldn’t update their Twitter accounts? If you are not, then skip this, this doesn’t concern you. If you are, then congrats! The wait is over and after many days of great injustice and abandonment, you’re being reimbursed $10 (pesos, not dollars) for all the trouble caused. Yay, Capitalism.

• Are you one of the millions of Claro users whose life was seriously endangered for several hours when the company’s service went down on Wednesday and people couldn’t update their Twitter accounts? If you’re not, then skip this, this doesn’t concern you. If you are, then you’re fucked. Yeah, that’s right. Claro outsmarted Movistar this week, and after many users complained about a massive service disruption the company blamed the Macri administration, accusing some City workers of accidentally “severing a fiber optics cable.” Sure, the Government is again considering a fine against the company, but they have warned that this case is “different” because it somehow accused Macri of fucking something up *wink, wink*.

• Are you a Personal user? Then watch out, you’re next.

• Next time you brag about how cool and elegant it is to live in Recoleta, remind me to bring this up so I can call you a destitute and shut you up for good.

• This guy died, and even though you never heard of / cared for him, it was a pretty big deal because he was one of Argentina’s most beloved cartoonist. Honor him by at least clicking on that link. You don’t even have to read the story, just click on it so you can at least pretend you care.

• Fame hath no glory! Last year it was Justin Bieber and the baseless, shameless accusations that he had
  

  This is the (possible) rapist Wachiturro, not to be confused with the other five Wachiturros who look exactly the same. In fact, I'm not even sure this is the one in trouble, but this is the only photo Wikipedia had to offer, so fuck it. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  impregnated one of his fans, which not only is ridiculous because Justin is like, the best guy in like, EVER and he would never do that, but also because he’s still like fifteen years away from producing sperm. So now, of course, it happened to one of the country’s youngest, brightest talents: Wachiturros smokin’ hot member DJ Memo. Mr. Memo was arrested (and later released on bail) in Santiago del Estero last Sunday after allegedly trying to rape a 13-year-old, who happened to be the daughter of a police officer. Lies, all lies! Also, probably true.

• By the way, considering that two months ago another Wachiturro was arrested before boarding a plane in a Chilean airport for cleverly making a joke about having a bomb or something stupid like that, I guess this means the boy band is now down to only four members. Come back in a few months when two of them are killed while trying to rob a bank and the boy band is downgraded to a duet.

• Also, that former playmate that caused a stir after appearing at a Mexican presidential debate last Sunday is, of course, Argentine.

• In the non-important news department (football), the Argentine Football Association (AFA) has announced a series of changes in their tournaments that I really don’t give a flying fuck about. But since you probably do, here’s some (probably inaccurate) info: Starting in the 2012/2013 season, the new Argentine championship tournament (thanks, Twitter nitpickers) will be divided in two tournaments, each one of them containing 19 rounds. The Apertura and Clausura tournaments will be re-branded “Inicial” and “Final” tournaments, and their respective winners will clash in a final match that will decide the fate of humanity.

• I don’t mean to brag, but I wrote that whole paragraph by myself, no help! OK, I had help. I pretty much stole the whole thing from here and just translated it. Whatever.

• Now here’s an idea that I’m sure is gonna go far: the AFA, that lugubrious nest full of backstabbing vultures, is “studying” the implementation of a possible new system labeled “AFA Plus” aimed at stopping “the power and influence of the barra bravas (or ‘hooligans’) in the Argentine football.” The idea is to register every single football club member and whoever has a history of violence will not be allowed into the game. The anti-hooligan movement was sparked by Independiente president Javier Cantero who said he was sick and tired of violence and is leading a personal crusade against them. Good luck with that! I mean, have you clicked on that Wikipedia link for barra bravas? Despite their absolutely hilarious names in English (“The heavy of the Port”, “The Drunkard of the Stand“), these guys are blood-thirsty goons that will not hesitate to kill you if you stand in their way. And considering that according to that Wikipedia page there’s like a million of them, stopping them means no more audience. Can you imagine? It would be like a dream come true (for me).

• Oh, shit. Here we go.

It’s Friday again!

And I have bad news for you: the Malvinas clusterfuck is back in full force!

Because now that the YPF expropriation bill has been passed, what other nationalist cause are we going to be distracted with? The 2014 World Cup is still more than two years away, so that’s a no.

So I guess there’s no choice but to dust off the Malvinas playbook and start yelling at British people again.

Here’s everything you need to know (but don’t want to know):

• 

  Wenlock and Mandeville, the terrifying mascots of the 2012 London Olympics. I don't condone violence but I must admit it will be funny to see an Argentine athlete kicking them in the crotch in order to make a point about Malvinas. Not because I care about the islands, but because they're just plain ugly. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Since I’m sure you didn’t go to Velez for the Cristina-palooza last week, here’s the 40-minute speech she gave before thousands of flag-waving, ecstatic youngsters who attended the event to celebrate her existence. Since I’m willing to bet my life that you didn’t click on that link, let me tell you: she basically glorified young people as the future of the nation and told the crowds to remain “united and organized.” Also there was a lot of yelling, even though she was standing two centimeters away from the microphone. All in all, a positive experience for those who survived the yelling.

• Meanwhile this week, Cristina’s arch-nemesis and opposition leader City Mayor Mauricio Macri, was tweeting some photos about his session of calisthenics and something that looks like him awkwardly tango dancing with another guy. I tell ya, this guy is a workaholic.

• In what could be considered the most awkward exchange of passive-aggressive smiles and ice-cold stares since Alien Vs. Predator, newly appointed Argentine ambassador to the UK Alicia Castro put British Foreign Secretary William Hague in the hot seat as he launched the annual world review of human rights at a ceremony in London. Sitting right in front of him on the first row as he took the podium, Castro once again repeated the local government’s mantra regarding the Malvinas/Falklands and asked him point blank (or “ambushed,” as The Telegraph put it) if he was ready to give peace a chance. Enjoy the video.

• The UK, of course, said it was “disappointed” at her behavior, but Castro is a maverick, she doesn’t give a fuck.

• Since this Wednesday marked the 30th. anniversary of the sinking of the General Belgrano cruiser during the Malvinas War, Cristina found yet another excuse to hold a ceremony related to the Malvinas. In a televised speech she gave from the Pink House she inaugurated the brand new (*rolls eyes*) “Malvinas Argentinas Courtyard” and then she defended ambassador Castro’s actions, saying that “refusing to engage in dialogue is unsustainable,” a funny thing to say considering she refuses to talk to journalists since like, ever. She also criticized the permanent members of the UN Security Council (i.e.: the US and the UK) saying that they always force other countries to follow UN resolutions but they themselves refuse to abide by them, which is actually kind of true.

• Sorry, we’re not done talking about Malvinas yet. But here, take a break from that subject and enjoy this awesome/terrifying video.

• Alright, I’m sure you feel refreshed now. And dirty. Let’s go back to Malvinas.

• The 2012 London Olympics are right around the corner, and God knows what kind of fuckery will transpire there between the Argentine and the British teams. But if what happened this week is any indication, we’re in for a fun winter of gold medals and diplomatic shenanigans that will certainly end once the Olympic torch goes out and David Cameron little-boys Buenos Aires. Everyone in the UK and the Malvinas/Falklands was up in arms yesterday after a controversial TV spot aired in Argentina, depicting the Argentine national hockey team captain Fernando Zylberberg “training” on the islands. As if that weren’t insulting enough (for the British), the ad concludes with the phrase “To compete on British soil, we train on Argentine soil.” Oh, snap!

• Yellow press crusader The Sun, of course, took it one step further and ran this headline. Dramaqueenism at its best.

• And to add insult to injury, the ad was created by Young & Rubicam, an advertising agency that belongs to - you guessed it - a British company. God, August cannot come fast enough. I’m gonna have so much to write about I may have to start doing a Daily News Roundup.

• In YPF news, I totally spoiled it at the beginning already but the
  

  Many criticized The Sun for printing such a disrespectful headline after the sinking of the General Belgrano. But many more failed to realize that even more disrespectful is that The Sun is all about girls showing their tits. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  expropriation bill has been passed, which means that Argentina now owns 51 percent of the oil company. Yay!

• Also this week, two romantic revolutionaires decided that a good way to make a point about something was to set off a bomb outside the European Union‘s offices in Recoleta. God bless these people, and their fight for peace by blowing stuff up.

• Another tourist allegedly raped in Salta. The suspect has already turned himself in, assuring that he was in a relationship with the victim, a 21-year-old Swiss woman who was doing volunteer work there. I have no idea what the hell is going on there, but stay away.

• Also in Salta this week, since such attacks pose a PR nightmare to the tourism industry there, the media (that’s us!) found a way to distract the population with a most sensationalist story that was covered by every network in the country: the tragic, heartbreaking story of an 8-year-old girl that was seen driving around in a car.

• No, really. That happened. And boy, people were outraged. I mean, look at that video! The low quality! The shaky camera! The epic soundtrack! Rape? What rape?

• Now onto the football part, which always comes last because it is obviously the least important one: Congratulations football megastar Lionel Messi! Not only you’re going to be a father soon, but this week you broke yet another record! After scoring his 68th. goal this season, Messi broke the record for goals scored in a European club season, previously held by some German guy called Gerd Müller. I have no idea what any of this means, all I know is that I get more internet hits thanks to it.

It’s Friday, people!

And I have great news: I’m still here!

I know that last week I may have suggested that the local Government was en route to arrest me for considering me an enemy of the state due to my treacherous citizenship and was planning to ship me off to the Argentine Guantanamo, but it turns out it was all a huge misunderstanding! (Basically, I made it all up.)

So, what else is new? Oh, right. The Fall is basically extinct, and in further evidence that Argentina is approaching a “tropical country” status largely due to climate change, last week we went to bed while enjoying a warm, summer night and woke up the next morning freezing to death. I’m not kidding, this week it was actually colder in some areas of Argentina than in Antarctica.

So hurry up, my fellow hibernation enthusiasts, and learn the facts before we’re all encased in ice for the rest of eternity under half a kilometer of snow.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  In a distant past (2010) people would stride great lengths and travel en masse to the International Book Fair just to catch a glimpse of the so-called "books." Now everyone's hooked on e-books, so no one gives a shit. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  The Argentine Senate has preliminary approved the YPF expropriation bill, which is now headed to the Lower House floor. Lawmakers believe the bill could be finally passed next Wednesday, unless NATO bombs us first.

• Still, it seems my country (Spain) will have to swallow its words and find a different approach to the whole YPF controversy. After what started as a grim warning of how terrible Argentina’s decision to expropriate the oil company was, the outrage seemed to fade out as the week progressed and the Spanish government found that pretty much no one was willing to join the administration’s plans to bomb Buenos Aires. International organizations such as the IMF and the World Bank, as well as the European Union and the US feigned disappointment and indignation for a couple of minutes, but then swiftly washed their hands from the whole thing by calling it a “bilateral issue.” Sure, the European Commission has warned that Argentina’s decision will have “dire consequences” for the population’s future, but there’s not much more they can do. Except bomb us.

• I’m done with this YPF thing for today, I promise. Although don’t get too excited. Malvinas is coming up next.

• The brand new Argentine ambassador in London, Alicia Castro, first published an interesting op-ed on Malvinas (See? I told you) in the conservative British newspaper The Telegraph, which caused the faces of all its readers to melt, Indiana Jones-style. She then formally presented the UK government with a proposal to restore commercial flights between the Malvinas Islands and Buenos Aires, as a friendly gesture. Then the islanders said no, which sucks because I was really hoping to score me some low-cost tickets for one of these long weekends. Think about it, the Malvinas could be a great place to celebrate Spring Break. British pubs, the sea and lots and lots of penguins. It doesn’t get any better than that. Come on, islanders!

• If you are a passionate follower of President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, chances are: a) You hate me for being “anti-Kirchnerite” (even though I’m not), and b) You’re not reading this before you’re heading over to the Vélez stadium in Liniers to attend the Cristina-palooza that is taking place today at 6 pm! (You’ve probably seen the posters while walking down the street, summoning everyone to go show their support for the President). And if you’re wondering what the hoopla is all about, what big announcement she’s going to make, this is the best part: it’s about nothing. You know, like Seinfeld. No, seriously. The whole point of the rally is to have a stadium full of people calling her name, while she gives an impassioned speech showing how strong she is. That way she can persuade NATO from bombing us all next Wednesday.

• If you’re wondering why the Subte has been going on strike almost everyday lately, here is why (not that you care). Long story short, since the whole subway system is a ticking time bomb on the verge of collapse and neither the National nor the City governments want to take care of it, the Subte employees are selflessly trying to raise awareness about how unprotected us passengers are, while putting their entire careers at risk over charges of insubordination. Also, they want more money.

• Great news everyone! You know when you’re standing in the immigration line to enter/leave Argentina at the Ezeiza airport and you realize you didn’t bring a pen with you so you can’t fill out those pesky immigration forms? Well, not to worry because as of now the Government has finally implemented the new digital terminals with a biometric system. How exotic and 21st century of yours, Argentina! It’s almost like in the US! (Without the paranoia).

• Terrible news everyone! You know when you’re standing in the luggage belt after landing at the Ezeiza airport (don’t make me link to Wikipedia again) and you realize your suitcases have been ripped open and someone has stolen your Toblerones, your iPod, your iPad, your iLaptop or whatever and your digital camera because you were dumb enough to put them in your suitcase instead of carrying them with you? Well, it is still happening (which you should have guessed since I started this bullet point by saying “Terrible news everyone!”). The Ezeiza airport police arrested 15 employees this week who were found responsible of stealing hundreds of items from careless travelers in the last couple of years. So remember that next time you send off your blackberry in a giant suitcase because you can’t be bothered to carry it.

• I guess being afraid of having your stuff stolen somewhat counts as being paranoid, so there! The local airport experience is now just like in the US.

• Argentina, you’re on (technologically speaking) fire! Since apparently the biometric system at the airport was not enough to make us look cool, now taxis will gradually begin offering passengers the possibility of paying with a credit or debit card. Fancy! So far only “15 or 20 taxis” have been provided with a wireless card reader in order to test the new methodology and “see what happens.” Really? “See what happens”? What could happen? You pay and you get out of the car! Am I missing something here? Whatever. Good luck catching one of those “15 or 20″ taxis in a city of three million people.

• Have you visited the International Book Fair in Plaza Italia yet? Why not? Never mind.

• Well if you had been there on opening day, you would have witnessed the hilariously tragic crossfire between Education Minister Alberto Sileoni and the City’s Culture Minister Hernán Lombardi (I know you didn’t click on any of those links, by the way). You see, since both of them were asked to give a speech at the opening ceremony, Lombardi (at odds with Cristina) seized the opportunity to attack the National Government for last month’s “ban on books” fiasco. Sileoni, of course, pretty much told him to fuck off while the audience booed and clapped and stuff. All in the name of education and culture, people.

• [ADDENDUM] Jesus, people! OK, I get it. I got like 15 emails from you and one guy even complained about it below. There are no “boos” to be heard in the Feria del Libro video, even though they existed. Sorry I gave you hope on some “boos” everyone! And if you still need to satisfy your blood lust, here’s a video from a couple of years ago when Cuban dissident Hilda Molina presented her book at the fair and leftist groups decided to crash her event and ruin it, all in the name of freedom of speech. Now fuck off.

• Oops! Back in 2008, 58 Pre-Columbian artifacts dating from 500
  

  Hotel Eden. Nazis welcome. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  to 1000AD, with a cumulative value estimated at around US$ 700,000, were mysteriously stolen from the Ambato Museum in La Falda, Córdoba. How exciting and Hollywoodesque, right? Even more intriguing, the Ambato Museum is located inside the creepy Hotel Eden, a mythical place that once hosted Che Guevara and Albert Einstein. What’s worse, according to historians, its owners were staunch Adolf Hitler supporters (no surprise there) and had personally offered their hotel as a hideout to the fuhrer in case things didn’t go as planned after World War II. How awesome is this story, huh? You’ve got the fifth Indiana Jones movie right here. The script is writing itself! But alas, it turns out it wasn’t the Neo-Nazis trying to revive Hitler and Che Guevara by casting some ancient indigenous spell only described in one of the stolen artifacts. Nah, that’s too contrived. They were actually in the hands of a City Government official who moonlights as an art collector, obviously. The guy has claimed that he purchased the items “in good faith” and that he had no idea that they were stolen, while City Hall has denied that the guy was working for them. Whatever the case may be, it’s a thousand times less exciting than the possibility of a fight to the death between zombie Hitler and zombie Che Guevara while the fate of humanity hangs in the balance.

• I know, I have issues. Leave me alone.

• This week, in “The Football“: TRAGEDY! In an unexpected turn of events that has the global scientific community at a loss, infallible, human-like deity Lionel Messi failed to score against the Chelsea this week, triggering an unstoppable chain of events that has ended in the shaming and collapse of Spain as a sports legend worldwide. And we all know what this means. THIS. That’s it, folks. Messi is now officially on the way down. Sure, he reached the pinnacle of his almighty glory these last few years, but deep down we all knew he wouldn’t be able to keep this charade up for long. Now, I don’t know much about football (that’s why every week I keep feeding you inaccurate information when it comes to games, and teams and players and shit. It’s not that I fail at gathering the correct information. I just don’t care about getting it), but one thing is clear: when you fail once, the deep scrutinizing begins. “Is something wrong with him?” or ”Messi hits rock bottom!” are some of the statements coming from the pundits who allegedly know what they’re talking about. So now it’s only a matter of time before he gives in to cocaine, alcohol and prostitutes (you know, like a certain someone) and he ends up in a distant outpost in the Middle East while engaging in mischief and tomfoolery largely due to cultural differences (you know, like a certain someone).

• You thought I was going to compare him to Diego Maradona, didn’t you? Please, like I’m that predictable.

• Oh, shit: The local press is saying that Lionel Messi’s girlfriend is pregnant. And so the collapse of an idol begins.

• Erik Lamela (someone I never heard of before but apparently used to play for River Plate so I guess he was kind of important), has having some sort of a kerfuffle with another player and decided to settle their argument by spitting on him. So here’s the video, which is totally disappointing because you can see him pursing his lips but you cannot see the actual spit. And let’s face it, that’s the only reason why you would click on that link in the first place. Still, Spitgate was so big this week that I decided to mention it, just to keep you in the loop. Because I know you don’t give a shit about Cristina’s speech today. But the spit incident? You have to know all about that!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday, and it may be my last.

WE’RE AT WAR WITH SPAIN!!!!

Well, no. We’re not. But I’m a sucker for hyperbole.

There are dark clouds in the horizon, my friends. In the last few days I have had to endure many hardships, with people continuously asking me where I stand on this bilateral conflict that has Spain and Argentina at odds.

My position, of course, is that if you’re stupid enough to believe that the fate of an oil company should be the cause for two kindred nations to start hating each other, then there’s no point in arguing with you.

Still, as the violence and xenophobia against my kind continues to rise due to the President’s recent announcement, I have to warn you all that very soon I could be extraordinary renditioned to the Martín García Island and never to be heard from again for a couple of weeks.

This is what you need to know before I’m Guantanamoed:

• 

  Many young people on Facebook proudly supported the President's decision by replacing their embarrassing profile photo with the YPF logo, which is even more embarrassing because they are young people expressing support for an oil company. (Image/Wikipedia)

  Well, it happened. The worst case scenario finally became a reality, and it has unleashed a political shit storm of dire consequences: in a surprise press conference last Monday, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner announced her decision to expropriate YPF, Argentina’s largest oil company, from Spanish oil giant Repsol YPF, who had purchased it back in 1999 (now don’t worry, I’m not going to make it very complicated. I’m gonna dumb it down for you, in my usual fashion, so you can go to bed tonight with a smile on your face, feeling smart.)

• So basically Argentina accused Repsol YPF of not investing enough in exploration and exploitation of oil reserves in Argentina, which caused fuel imports in the country to double. Hence, the Government decided it was time to expropriate the company. Case closed.

• As the President sends the expropriation bill to Congress, the rest of the world is fuming: Spain, France, the UK, Belgium (actually the entire EU), and to a lesser extent for motives that remain uncertain, the US. Brazil and Venezuela have praised the decision, but Colombia and Bolivia have been more cautious and politely distanced themselves from this mess.

• Former President and current political pariah Carlos Menem, who masterminded Argentina’s State Reform Law (a late 80s bill that called for “smaller government” and advocated for the privatization of many state-owned companies, including YPF), has already said he will vote in favor of the expropriation in the Senate (he’s a senator now, you see. He is also like 140 years old). “I know they will criticize me heavily for this, but they should understand that times have changed since I privatized it.” Well, that is true, but the fact remains he is still responsible for one of the most infamous decades in recent Argentine history. You like Cristina’s hijinx? You would have loved this guy. After all, this is the President who back in 1995 announced that Argentina would soon have a “space flight system” that would allow Argentines to take a rocket to space so they could be in Japan in like three hours or something. No, he really did!

• Right in the epicenter of this political shit storm is the new rising star of Argentine politics: Deputy Minister Axel Kicillof. A power player so recent that he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page yet. Mr. Kicillof, as any other respectable La Cámpora member, has a huge sense of entitlement. He’s loud, he’s rude, he’s angry and he doesn’t wear a tie because he wants you to know he’s against the establishment. He also looks like he’s 25 years old even though he’s 41 (which seems to be a turn on for Argentine girls) and is a fucking brilliant orator. So the establishment, obviously horrified because he wouldn’t wear a tie, decided to target him violently. Vanity Fair Spain says he has “hypnotized Cristina” (you know, like Rasputin), and the Financial Times describes him as “a baby-faced Marxist economist with Elvis sideburns who does not appear to own a tie.” Aha! I told you the tie thing would piss them off. Such squares, these people.

• Unfortunately the whole YPF brouhaha completely overshadowed last Saturday’s meeting between US president Barack Obama and Cristina in Cartagena, Colombia during the Summit of the Americas. In said meeting, Obama reassured Cristina that no matter what kind of fuckery Argentina gets involved in, the bilateral friendship is above it all. So Cristina, apparently encouraged by Obama’s de facto license to mischief, returned to Argentina and expropriated YPF.

• The meeting also produced a photograph that sparked many comments around the web, since it’s hard to tell what the hell is going on there. Is Obama taking her temperature? Is he checking to see if the baby is kicking? I would totally play one of those stupid “Caption the photo” contests but I really don’t feel like it.

• By the way, remember that whole thing about the Malvinas/Falklands that we kept going back to every Friday for months before this whole thing exploded? Yeah, me neither.

• OK, so let’s say that you are a councilman in the small, uneventful Misiones town of La Candelaria (Population: really, really close to zero), and one day you decide you don’t like it when a journalist is all over your face, demanding you tell the truth about something. So the most civilized reaction to his annoying behavior is to beat the shit out of him, naturally. Wait until the 2:23 mark for hilarity to ensue.

• Oh my God! La Candelaria already has a Wikipedia page! In your face Deputy Minister Axel Kicillof! See? And people say violence never leads to anything. Tell that to the people of La Candelaria. One day no one knows you’re alive, then you kick someone’s ass and BAM! You’re on Wikipedia. Well played, people. Well played.

• And not to freak anyone out, but people are being assassinated in broad daylight in Recoleta now.

• By the way, that last comment WAS A JOKE. Please don’t start freaking out, saying that it is now “unsafe” to be walking down the streets of Buenos Aires. Initial reports suggest the victim was a Colombian citizen with ties to drug trafficking, so it seems he was gunned down by a hitman. See? Nothing to worry. Unless you are in the drug trafficking business. In that case, worry.

• Consider this to be the straw that broke the camel’s llama’s back: remember how in the last few months Salta‘s reputation as a “safe, tourist-friendly” province has been wavering due to a series of grizzly murders, rapes and attempted rapes against female visitors? Well, you can now add another female victim to the body count after authorities unearthed the body of a woman near tourist hot spot Cafayate on Thursday. What’s worse, they believe the body may belong to missing María Cash, who mysteriously disappeared in Salta last year and was never heard from again despite her family’s impressive nationwide campaign to find her. So I’m being serious now: if you’re planning on going to Salta, do not wander off alone into the wild. Or an even better idea: do not go to Salta alone.

• You know what? Fuck it, just don’t go to Salta. Period.

• If you’re wondering why last Tuesday the Obeliskwas sporting a
  

  Fun fact: Did you know that Björk's real name is actually Björk? You did? Well, I didn't. I thought it was just a made up name. You know, like Cher. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  confusing yellowish/orangish color (I know you’re not), then don’t worry. There’s a perfect explanation for that, and it is that apparently last Tuesday was Malbec World Day (?). Sorry, City Government! But not only you fucked up big time because that color looked nothing like wine red, also it doesn’t matter what kind of stunt you pull out of your ass, nothing will be able to top December 2005 when the former administration decided to turn the Obelisk into a giant condom. They were simpler times back then.

• Are you excited about going to see Björk tomorrow night at GEBA? Well you shouldn’t, because she cancelled. Sorry!

• Also, were you aware she has been performing in Buenos Aires this whole month? Because I had no idea! Although in all honesty I really don’t care that much about her singing. All I remember about her is that song where she shooshed everyone and that time in Bangkok when she went apeshit on a reporter and beat her senseless. Just like that councilman from La Candelaria! The only difference is that Bangkok is already a relatively well-known city around the world, so beating that woman up didn’t really amount to anything.

• Oh, football. What would I do without you? I know we’ve had our differences in the past, but you’re just too adorable for me to hate on you. Sometimes you provide so much comedic value that if you were a tangible being instead of a stupid, excruciatingly boring concept I would hold you against my chest and never let you go. Let’s take a look at what people who passionately follow the football have been doing this week, shall we?

• After a match between Boca Juniors and Club Atletico Tigre, some Tigre fans decided it would be neat to go insult all the Boca players when they were leaving the stadium on their super luxurious Boca Juniors bus. After all, Tigre had been defeated and we all know there’s nothing more cathartic than telling people you don’t like to go fuck themselves. But, alas! The Boca players took the insults personally and decided that the most rational, coherent thing to do in that conundrum was to get off the bus and start beating the shit out of everyone. The result? One of the players ended up with two broken fingers. So smart, these guys.

• No, I will not make another La Candelaria-related joke. Shut up.

• Let’s say your favorite team (in this case Racing) lost 4 to 1 in the previous match. When the time for the next game comes, how do you welcome those brave fellas who week after week leave their lives in the field just to provide you lazy, beer-drinking fucks with 90 minutes of idiotic entertainment? Well, isn’t it obvious? You douse them with a rain of crutches, of course! Because calling them “crippled” is not enough. No, you want to hit them in the head with those heavy metal poles and literally cripple them to make a point, right?

• You know what, I changed my mind again. Fuck football.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday (the 13th) again!

And while we’re all horrified by the lack of cup sleeves at the local Starbucks because of import restrictions, at least your friendly (and not-so-friendly) emails put a smile on my face.

Let’s take a look at this week’s submissions, shall we?

• “Friday wasn’t just a guy in Robinson Crusoe.” - Steven L.

• “Facepalm Fridays!” - Agustín C.

• “Your weekly dose of basic, dumbed down knowledge is here!” - Kate A.

• And a special mention for Gaspar C., whose submission didn’t really qualify as an opener because it’s an image, but made me laugh out loud when he closed his message with: “Kiss my ass if you don’t like it.”

Alright, no more fucking around. This is what you need to know:

• 

  You're probably wondering why there's a photo of a choripán vendor here. Now, now, don't be anxious. Keep reading and you'll understand. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Phew, man! It’s a good thing that the whole Malvinas/Falklands debacle has quietly faded into the night, because now we’re at war with Spain. That’s right, first the United Kingdom and now Spain! It’s the 1800′s all over again! Because… you know what happened in the 1800′s right? RIGHT?! Seriously, I don’t even know why I keep trying with you. It wouldn’t kill you to learn at least some BASIC Argentine history! This is where you’re living, after all! OK, cue the elevator music from this episode of The Simpsons because you’ve got some Wikipedia to read. First, in 1806, the British army invaded the Spanish colonies located in the Rio de la Plata region, waaaaaaay before they were called “Argentina.” Well, actually just four years. Then, for some reason that I’m sure is clearly described in that Wikipedia article that I just linked this to, the British army lost and went back to whatever country they came from. But then, in 1810, the Argentines all decided they didn’t want to be a part of Spain any more and hence the War of Independence came. (Spoiler alert: Argentina won).

• There, now you understand the joke. Too bad that having to explain it totally kills the mood and now it’s not funny anymore.

• But I digress. Where was I? Right. War with Spain. Well, the thing is that Argentina is pissed with Repsol YPF, a Spanish oil company that holds a large part of its assets in Argentina after it bought local oil producer YPF in 1999. Apparently the Fernández de Kirchner administration is upset because the company is not investing enough in local exploration and exploitation, so they are threatening with nationalization. Spain, my home country, is going through a lot of shit right now so it’s not time to lose more money. Their response? WAR!! Well, maybe not war but they’re angry. Let’s just hope I don’t get deported or locked up as a prisoner of war.

• But hey, not all is dark on the horizon. President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner yesterday announced that very soon the delicious Swiss Milka chocolates (which are anything but Swiss since until now they were being manufactured in Brazil and belong to global Kraft Foods, Inc.) will be manufactured in Argentina. See? There’s always a silver lining for everything. You just need to keep it positive.

• As thousands of people in the City and the Greater Buenos Aires areas were still trying to recover physically and mentally from the unexpected attack of what scientists later confirmed was a pseudo-tornado, Mayor Mauricio Macri went missing last week. Literally. No one had any idea of where he was! As his Cabinet was trying to deal with the aftermath of one of the worst storms to hit Buenos Aires in like, ever, Macri was MIA. #DondeestaMacri was the No.1 Trending Topic on Twitter, and the scandal spawned an endless string of internet memes that went from Where’s Waldo? to Missing Children spoofs. After a few days of despair, anxiety (and excitement, maybe) Macri reappeared safe and sound. Turns out he was just vacationing in San Martín de los Andes! And that is a totally fair excuse, come on everyone. It was only 17 people who died. To cut your holidays short you need at least fifty! That is why it was perfectly correct to be outraged about Cristina’s disappearance after the Once railway tragedy (51 died) but not OK to yell at Macri over this one. Coherence, people!

• This week, in News You Couldn’t Care Less About: The embezzlement case against Vice-President Amado Boudou is seemingly spiraling out of control and has already claimed its first political victim. Prosecutor-General Esteban Righi has tendered his resignation. Now that we’ve cleared that out of the way, let’s move on to happier, less concentration-demanding news.

• In what could probably be considered the worst on-off relationship since Ross and Rachel, US president Barack Obama has once again asked to meet privately with Cristina when they both cross paths in Colombia this Saturday to attend the Summit of the Americas. We still don’t know what he wants to talk about, but considering that our favorite deranged-yet-adorable Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez will also be attending the summit, I can totally see the three of them running around the hotel at night, causing mischief and dealing with double entendres in front of the Secret Service. Then when Obama questions Cristina for engaging in “shady businesses” with Chávez for so many years, she can always argue that they were on a break.

• If you’re still trying to get that joke, clearly you didn’t watch enough television in the 90′s. Don’t blame me for such a cryptic pop culture reference. This is totally your fault.

• [UPDATE] Unfortunately President Hugo Chávez couldn’t attend the Summit due to health-related issues. But hey, at least we got this, which is ten times better.

• Now, this story may sound like a joke but I swear to God it’s not. Córdoba city, that beautiful, progressive, always-sunny, expat-friendly place has decided they’re not gonna take it anymore and finally banned the selling of Choripan during the day. That’s right, people. If you are a choripán vendor in Córdoba (chances are you aren’t), you will only be able to sell them to drunk, overdosed teenagers trying to detox their bodies from the liters of fernet poisoning their blood by absorbing pounds of disgusting, bacteria-infested fat in the middle of the night. The funniest thing is that no one is really sure as to why the Córdoba legislature voted in favor of such a ridiculous piece of legislation. So there. No more choripán for you.

• Oh, please! Stop shaking your head, as if things like that didn’t happen in your home country (I’m looking at you specially, American readers. Don’t make me embarrass you by showing this to people. And yes, that is an actual law).

• [UPDATE] After billions of angry citizens threatened to democratically assassinate all Córdoba lawmakers if they didn’t “release the choripanes,” the city’s Legislature has agreed that vendors will be able to sell them during the day, but they will need a special permit for that. The reason for the ban is that last week the Córdoba Health services shut down two choripán stands after they were found to be infested with rats. So there. Fancy a choripán now?

• You’re still listening to that “Land of Chocolate” music, aren’t you? You
  

  I don't know who this person is. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  were supposed to turn it off minutes ago. Just saying.

• Great news, people addicted to prostitution! A City court has decided that having a Zona Roja (Red Zone) in the Bosques de Palermo area is absolutely legal. Defined by some as “a mined field of used condoms,” the Zona Roja is a place for the whole family. During the day, the children get to run around the park while mommy spreads a blanket on the grass. During the night, daddy shows up and spreads the legs of a prostitute while he smokes some grass. So remember that next time you head over to El Rosedal to work on your abs. That thing stuck on your hair may not be a balloon.

• Remember a couple of weeks ago when a guy killed himself in Plaza Francia, right in front of the children? Well, this week another guy with suicidal tendencies decided it would be a good idea to cut his veins in Plaza de Mayo. The good news is the police persuaded him not to do it, much to the chagrin of the bystanders who were totally hoping for the blood to start splattering their faces, as you can see in this video. So, wanna bet which is going to be the next plaza ruined by a weapon-wielding maniac? My money is on Parque Las Heras. There’s just so much happiness in that place, it’s disgusting.

• If you’re still shaking your torches and pitchforks in the air over the price of Yerba Mate, then I have some good news for you. The President has warned that if producers don’t lower the price of the much-coveted product, she will have no choice but to enact the Supply Law, a law passed in 1973 that establishes that producers who speculate with essential goods could be fined or even arrested. Like I said last week, I don’t like mate so I really don’t care if you’re going through yerba mate withdrawal. But good news for you, I suppose.

• A premature baby in Chaco made the news around the world this week when, 12 hours after being declared stillborn, she was found alive in the morgue by her mother. It is still unclear how five different doctors who checked the baby failed to notice she was breathing, but fortunately they have all been suspended and there is an ongoing investigation. Since yesterday, according to the local media, the “miracle baby” is not doing so good. So fingers crossed for you, little girl.

• This week, in “the football”: Diego Maradona (who else) said Pelé was “stupid” because he said Neymar (I don’t know who that is) is a better football player than Lionel Messi (I do know who that is but don’t hold it against me). And yes, that is all I have to say about football this week. If you are looking for information on matches, and tournaments, and stuff you’ve come to the wrong place, my friend.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Good Friday again!

It’s a holiday. It’s early. And yet here I am, half asleep, writing for you.

I hate you all so much.

Specially since I know that none of you will be reading this today. Maybe on Monday, when you’re back from your Holy Week escapades, you’ll casually remind yourself that you haven’t checked the news and visit this column. The world may be over by then, but no, you still don’t care right?

Whatevs.

So first things first, here are this week’s best suggestions for my weekly opening statement:

• “I don’t care if Monday’s blue, Tuesday’s gray and Wednesday too.Thursday I don’t care about you, It’s Friday I write for you!” - By Jenny F.

• “Fuck this shit, it’s Friday. I’m out!!!” - By Leandro DS

• “Give me an F! Give me an R! Give me a… - ah, whatever, it’s Friday.” - By Mateo R.

• ‘Last Friday, zero were the amount of fucks given about ur thoughts on my column’ - By Pablo G.

Thanks for your efforts kids! You truly outdid yourselves. All others who didn’t make it this week is because they sucked.

Now this is what you need to know:

• 

  I don't know what's up with this weird-looking photo of Boudou, but this is all Wikipedia had. Sorry. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Well, now that the 30th anniversary of the Malvinas War is over, let’s all hope that this whole diplomatic rift goes away forever (until next year). As expected, there were commemorations of the conflict on both sides of the ocean, as well as political speeches, marches and riots. And where do you think most of those took place? You guessed right: here (but that’s probably because mostly no one in the UK gives a shit about this)! So last Monday we had:

• President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner’s speech that she gave in Ushuaia, where she once again called for the UK to sit down and negotiate the island’s sovereignty. And even though she sometimes used her controversial rhetoric, I must say it wasn’t as bad as I expected. In fact she even seemed conciliatory when she said that this was a day to also mourn those British soldiers who perished in the war because “the death of a young person is always a tragedy.” She also stressed that the Argentine population is peaceful and that it will continue to be peaceful in the sovereignty negotiations. Here’s the video of her speech, for those two readers genuinely interested in it.

• The Sun, of course, considered her speech to be “incendiary.”

• And, speaking of incendiary, those assholes from Quebracho, the extreme left-wing organization that the entire Argentine population seems to hate and yet they somehow continue to exist, decided that the best way to prove that Cristina was right about that “peaceful” part was to attack the British embassy in Recoleta. So they threw Molotov cocktails at the water cannon truck that was trying to disperse them and attacked the infantry officials with slingshots and marble balls (yes, a slingshot), all in the name of peace.

• Cristina was certainly not amused.

• Now onto something else: Sometimes, when a political scandal erupts, I usually wait until it becomes a big thing to talk about it here. Mainly because most of them they just disappear into the night as fast as they crawled out from under a rug, and end up being irrelevant. This week, however, a corruption scandal involving none other than Vice-President Amado Boudou has entered the main political arena, so it’s time for you to know what’s going on. The case is fairly simple: our favorite Vice-President has been accused of using his influences as Economy Minister to lift the bankruptcy plans on a money-printing company called Ciccone. A judge investigating the case ordered a raid on one of his properties in Puerto Madero in order to prove that there is a connection between Boudou and the Ciccone CEO. (Have I lost you yet? ‘Cause I know that after a couple of lines of not making a joke you start drifting away. Still with me? Good.) OK, so Boudou was pretty pissed and gave a speech in Congress on Thursday, (here’s the video, if you wanna watch it) accusing the Clarín media group of being part of a mafia leading a smearing campaign against him. So there. Now you’re got something else to talk about next time you end up trapped in a conversation about Argentine politics and need to prove you’re “totally into Argentina’s current political climate.” You owe me a beer.

• Well, now things are bound to go to shit. That’s right everyone, start buying canned food and mineral water. Go to your basement (yes, I know people don’t have basements in this city, whatever) and stock up because a civil war is coming. Yerba Mate, that bitter, silent anesthetic that has managed to keep Argentines from exploding in a bout of rage for centuries is now impossible to buy thanks to very high prices, caused by, well, no one is really sure. The Government is outraged since they say there is no reason for it to double its price in just a few days, while producers blame the hike on rising costs of production. Whatever the reason, drinking mate is now expensive. But let’s look on the bright side! I don’t like mate. So there.

• Also, the World Trade Organization is pissed about Argentina’s latest import restrictions. Since you don’t really understand what the WTO does, then it’s OK, you shouldn’t worry.

• Speaking of Boudou, and trade barriers and shit, the Vice-President became something of a laughing stock this week after he tweeted that the Government is not against imports but “just looking after your jobs. We’re looking after the Argentine industry.” Of course that would have made complete sense, except he tweeted it from his personal iPhone, which not only is totally made in China, but is also a product impossible to get anywhere in the country due to the imports ban (unless you buy it in Mercado Libre, where you will surely be ripped off). Oh, well. It’s just a phone, right? I’m sure he doesn’t own any more apple produc…- Oh.

• Also, the guy sitting in front of him with the weird hairdo that looks like the Argentine version of Jason Schwartzman is Economy Minister Hernán Lorenzino. He also owns an iPhone, as you can see in the photo. *giggles*

• In other news, the Government continues its crusade against capital flight so now if you travel abroad and want to get dollars from an ATM, you better: A) Have a bank account that is not from an Argentine bank, B) Rob someone at gunpoint, or C) Have an Argentine bank account in dollars and pay the monthly fee that comes with it (the most difficult option of the three). The positive side of this is A) If you’re a foreigner living in Argentina you probably own an account in a foreign bank, and B) If you’re an Argentine chances are you can’t afford to travel abroad because getting dollars is a pain in the ass. So there. Now there’s no need to rob anyone. Yay!

• Are you the lucky owner of a Movistar line? (You know where I’m going with this, don’t you? You’re already smiling). If you are, congratulations! You’re one of the lucky 16 million people who had no cell phone service for more than five hours last Monday, a service disruption that caused riots of biblical proportions throughout the country as angry teenagers failed to update their Facebook statuses on their cell phones or tweet about how “psyched” they were with the new Justin Bieber single or Skrillex, or whatever it is that kids listen to these days. The service was eventually restored after the company managed to fix a “system problem.” But that, of course, was not enough to appease the angry mob. Fortunately the Government always thinks of the costumer first and announced that they are considering the “worst kind of possible sanction” against Movistar. But wait, there’s more! The company has announced that all users will get compensation for the trouble caused: you will not be charged for that day. Which means you get like a $4 discount! And people say corporations are greedy.

• In all fairness though, Movistar said there would be other freebies, such as free text messages from yesterday until Sunday and other stuff. Check it here.

• Oh. You don’t read Spanish? Tough shit. Maybe you should finally stop relying on this column for everything and start learning the language, don’t you think? I’m a writer, not your nanny.

• OK, so that terrible storm that hit the city last Wednesday was neither a
  

  This photo may or may not be from Palermo. I will conveniently not say. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  tornado nor a hurricane (even though if you look at this photo captured with a cell phone I still have my doubts), but it was still pretty fucking big. At least 15 people have been killed and many others have been injured after they were hit by falling branches or collapsing roofs. Look, the media even created a video montage to illustrate the gravity of the situation. It has a scary soundtrack and everything! No, but in all seriousness now, politicians and scientists are agreeing that this storm was extremely unusual and that there is no recollection of Buenos Aires ever being affected by such strong winds. So there, maybe you were not here for the 2007 snow storm, but have now witnessed the storm of the century. Congratulations, maybe.

• Three years ago, the Argentine population was introduced to a non-fictional character that would become the nation’s pet peeve for several months. When transvestite Zulma Lobato was discovered during a television interview in April 2009, she became an instant hit. Her off-key singing, her unexpected outbursts of rage and endless collection of wigs all contributed to her instant rise to celebrity status. For months, people (myself included) would shamelessly giggle at her quirkiness and deliriums of grandeur, since time after time she would repeat that she was destined to be on Dancing With The Stars even though her chances were rather slim. Not because she lacked the talent, of course (we all know you don’t need to be talented to be on that show). No, Zulma’s biggest liability was that she was not a hot, slutty 25-year old piece of ass. So the call never came, and when it finally sank in that people were laughing at her, not with her, she had a stroke on live television. And that’s when everyone said “Oh. Shit,” and realized we had all been making fun of a mentally-unstable person. But, alas! We live in a liquid society, in which we’re outraged by a Kony 2012 video, so we angrily post it on our Facebook profile, rallying others to join us in our global fight against injustice, until we see this video of two cats speaking French and we totally forget about it. So in a matter of seconds, Zulma disappeared from our televisions… until now! That’s right, she’s making her comeback! You know, if Britney Spears, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan have all had it, why couldn’t she? The problem with her new music video, besides reeking of amateurism, is that it seems to be just another excuse by some unscrupulous producer to keep laughing at her. So now it’s up to you. You can be an asshole and laugh at it, or angrily post it on your Facebook profile, rallying others to join you in your global fight against injustice, until you see this other video of two cats speaking French.

Yeah, that’s right. It’s Friday.

Whatever.

And winter is back with a vengeance, since courtesy of your friendly neighborhood Climate Change there’s no autumn anymore.

With only a few days passed after the March equinox, we’re now knee-deep into the glacial age, struggling for survival. Get ready for long, oxygen-devoid bus rides, endless meriendas of chocolate con churros and people walking down the street in a shitty mood pretty much because of everything.

Who knows… if you’re lucky you could actually see some snow! Because in case you don’t know, Buenos Aires was blanketed in white snow back in July, 2007, a strange, unexpected phenomenon that prompted residents to leave their homes and head into public parks and squares to celebrate by singing and dancing in collective joy while many homeless people were freezing to death around the corner. But let’s not be a buzzkill and mention that. Here, enjoy some YouTube video from that day featuring a tango soundtrack and happy people dancing in the snow.

And before I forget, here are this week’s top submissions to replace that much-dreaded “It’s Friday again!”:

• “Fridayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” - Suggested by Serena H.

• “If Friday was a sparkling sequin glove, consider today Michael Jackson.” - Suggested by Teddy E.

• “Does anybody know what time it is? Round-up time!” - Suggested by Carly P.

• “Aprendan español, manga de putos!” - Suggested by Juanjo E.

I’m not sure I’m so crazy about that last one.

Now, are you ready for more wacky antics involving the Malvinas, the Subte, Maradona and an invisible puma?

Because you know they’re coming. Resistance is futile.

Here’s what you need to know:

• First, the Malvinas/Falklands controversy in a nutshell (because I know you’re bored by it):

• UK’s The Telegraph published this non-story because it needed to stir shit up. They succeeded, everyone here was outraged for a couple of hours. Then they went back to talk about the weather.

• While attending the 2012 International Nuclear Summit in Seoul, South Korea, Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman accused the UK of militarizing the South Atlantic region and sending a nuclear submarine to patrol the seas. Nick Clegg said that was bullshit. Well, not really. He said those are “unfounded, baseless accusations” but that’s what he meant. I just wish the two of them would shut up.

• Uruguay said “fuck it” and decided that it’s not going to support an economic blockade against the Malvinas/Falklands since it would be similar to the blockade currently affecting Cuba.

• The British government said Argentina has no military power to engage in a military conflict with the UK.

• Argentina, offended by such a horrifyingly true statement, called the UK “ignorant.”

• More bilateral stupidity coming next week, I assure you.

• 

  Do you have a couple billion dollars to buy the Subte? 'Cause if you do I'm sure the Government will be more than happy to sell. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  US President Barack Obama decided he will suspend trade benefits with Argentina in 60 days because the country won’t pay a disputed debt it holds with two American companies since the 2001 economic crisis. The move will not really affect the country since it’s more a symbolic measure and it represents a merely 20 million dollars. President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner replied she will not give in to…- you know what? I can tell you really don’t care about all this. So for those of you still interested in reading what she said, here’s the rest of the story. All others jump to the next bullet point.

• At last, after many comings and goings, the gloves have come off between Cristina and Mayor Mauricio Macri. This week Congress finally passed a bill that forces City Hall to accept the transfer of the Subte management, which means that the Subway should officially fall in the City Government’s responsibility. But City Hall doesn’t want it, obviously, because it sucks (have you been down there in the summer? Good God!) and it needs a lot of money, so the City Legislature passed a motion to void the bill recently passed in Congress. Now, I’m no expert in bullshit but I’m pretty sure that that is indeed bullshit. Let alone unconstitutional. Yesterday, Cristina gave an unexpected speech on live television in which she once again urged Macri to take over the subway and once again offered to keep part of the subsidies in exchange. A couple of hours later, Macri replied also on live television by criticizing Cristina for her refusal to meet with him to discuss a different approach to the matter. In the meantime, the Subte system remains in legal limbo. Not that you care much since after the fare hike to $2.50 last January you probably started walking everywhere.

• “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book,” said funny man Groucho Marx once. Or Karl Marx. I don’t know, one of those. Anyway, imagine one of those Marx’s surprise had he been alive in Argentina in 2012 and learned that the Government was actually banning all foreign publications from entering the country. Because that’s exactly what happened. So let’s just say that if you decided to order Breaking Dawn via Amazon.com, first you should be ashamed of yourself, and second, you would have to go down all the way to Ezeiza to get it after paying an import fee. Not only that, the official explanation as to why books and magazines were being banned was that they could contain dangerous amounts of lead in their ink. Now, before you get carried away by an uncontrollable rage and set out to slit each other’s throats, let’s try to look at this matter in the most objective way possible in order to realize that the indignation coming from both sides of the political spectrum was equally ridiculous. First, the public outcry coming from those against the Government made it seem as if we were back in 1933 and this was taking place right before our eyes. “They don’t want people to read!”, many complained on Facebook, denouncing censorship. Even the hashtag #releasethekraken #releasethebooks was trending in Twitter Argentina. At the same time, those blindly supporting the Government (who can be just as idiotic) defended the measure, suggesting that people who buy their books abroad are just rich posers trying to find another excuse to criticize the administration’s protectionist policies. “I don’t read books, I read e-books,” said an influential member of the La Cámpora Kirchnerite youth organization last month during an unrelated interview. So there, problem solved. Just get every poor person in the country an iPad and we’re all set. And while both sides engaged in endless discussion about who was being Nazi-er, the fact is that this had nothing to do with ideology or censorship. The country is bleeding money, so Domestic Trade Secretary Guillermo Moreno decided to put a ban on a lot of imported stuff, including books and magazines coming from abroad. Fortunately the backlash was so big that yesterday the Government decided to reverse its policy on imported books, which means your $700 autographed copy of The Hunger Games will soon be landing safely on your doorstep.

• Did you stand in line and pay a lot of money recently to obtain your
  

  Some will try and have you believe we're in Nazi Germany. The few remaining Nazis exiled in Córdoba under a false identity probably beg to differ. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  much-coveted DNI identification booklet and card? Congratulations! But don’t you just hate that us foreigners are stuck with this brownish, depressing booklet instead of that pristine bluish one that Argentines get? So unfair. Well, worry no more because Cristina announced this week that the booklet will no longer be produced because let’s face it, it looks like something out of the 19th century. So now people will be able to vote with their ID card and avoid the hassle of having to carry that thing. The sad part is we don’t vote, so I just realized this piece of news is totally irrelevant to all of you.

• Sad news, grandparents and Back to the Future fans! Calvin Klein is leaving the country at the end of March (meaning now) due to draconian import restrictions. So if you’re over 75 or just love living in the 80s, run today to the last Calvin Klein store at the Unicenter mall and get as much stuff as you can! I hear there’s a 75% off on everything. I honestly don’t think I’ve worn any CK underwear since I was 12, otherwise I would totally joined the #ReleaseTheUnderpants movement on Twitter.

• You have no idea what “draconian” means, do you? Here, learn.

• Cristina announced this week, alongside Supreme Court head Ricardo Lorenzetti, that she plans to reform and unify the Civil and Commercial codes. The overhaul would bring simplification of the current divorce procedure (you basically just go and say “I want a divorce” and that’s it), prenuptial agreements, artificial insemination and surrogacy. The move is certainly a botinera’s worst nightmare (“botineras” being scantily clad girls who one day are posing suggestively on the cover of Maxim, then a day later they marry a rich, innocent football player and they become the epitome of refined, hard-working mother and housewife). Oh well, at least there’s always Dancing With The Stars.

• Great news marijuana enthusiasts! (Stop smiling, I know who you are. I know the demographics of my readership and you are a part of it as much as anyone else). The National Government is finally moving ahead with a congressional bill, spearheaded by Senator Aníbal Fernández’s mustache, aimed at decriminalizing the smoking and possession of marijuana as long as it’s for private use. The bill is expected to go through a lengthy process that includes several congressional committees and if approved still needs to be passed in the Senate and the Lower House. So hold your horses, potheads. You’re still gonna have to wait a bit more before you can share a joint with that nice cop that’s usually standing at the corner of your block.

• Next time you head over to Plaza Francia for a stroll around the Recoleta Cemetery or a tasty lunch at the Buenos Aires Design mall, remember a guy may be about to kill himself right next to you.

• Warning: now comes the football part, which I usually get wrong because I just don’t give a shit about it. So remember that next time you send me an email pointing out how ignorant I am because I don’t know where Chacarita (or whatever is called) plays.

• Former football God and current all-things-communist lover Diego Armando Maradona got into somewhat of a kerfuffle this week during a match involving the team he coaches in Dubai, the Al Wasl. And I never thought I would say this, but this time I’m totally on his side! The whole thing’s in Arabic so I have no idea what’s happening, but apparently fans, unhappy with the team’s performance, thought it would be fair to punish Maradona by beating up his girlfriend, who was sitting in the bleachers. By football standards, it sounds like a totally fair idea, right? Well, Maradona wasn’t pleased and all hell broke lose. Don’t worry, nothing happened to any of them. But the funniest part came after the game and during the press conference, when Maradona told an inquiring journalist that he jumped in to defend his girlfriend because he found it unacceptable for a man to hit a woman. “I don’t care if we’re in a stadium, a church or a mosque. It’s unacceptable. Even if it’s you. If you disrespect my woman I will go to your house and get you.” he said, asking in return: “Wouldn’t you have done the same thing?”. And the journalist is like “Uhhh…”. The translators face is priceless. Watch. I will probably go back to disliking Diego next week, but today I’m his biggest fan.

• And in an unexpected turn of events, as London readies to welcome the Olympics, three subway (or “tube”) stations in the city have been “temporarily renamed” to honor football stars Lionel Messi, Javier Mascherano and Carlos Tévez. Good for them. Goes to show that this whole Malvinas/Falklands clusterfuck is nothing more than a divisive ploy concocted by two governments acting like a couple of spoiled brats. Kudos to the Brits on this one.

• Huh. This is the second football-related news that I don’t find so reprehensible. Maybe I’m starting to like this sport after all?

• Yeah, no. Back to hating it.

• Do you like touring car racing? Then you’re in luck, because a major TC 2000 competition (Argentina’s version of NASCAR) is being held this Sunday on the 9 de Julio Av. So now you know why the place looks like the set of Death Race 2000. If you stay home Saturday night and wake up around 4 am you might be able to find a good place. Chances are you won’t though. Just turn the TV on. It’s basically the same.

• Do you hate touring car racing? Then for the love of God, STAY HOME this weekend! Don’t even think of driving/taking a bus that goes through that area! It’s going to be a fucking nightmare!!! (Extra “!!!” for dramatic effect).

• And last but not least: I know you are all wondering whatever happened to that surreptitious, totally non-existing puma that kept terrorizing the Vicente López residents for weeks. Well, the blood-thirsty feline is apparently still hiding in its non-existing evil lair because the body count has stopped rising and remains at zero since the last time he was seen. That, however, hasn’t stopped it from becoming an international star, so here’s a piece the BBC did on this mythical story of horror and survival, which even quotes the embarrassing statement from a La Nación columnist who suggested the Puma could be “a reincarnation of former president Néstor Kirchner, who keeps lurking around his former Olivos residence.” And that, ladies and gentlemen, did in fact happen.

Have a great weekend everyone!

¡Gracias a Dios es viernes!

Oh, God, that’s terrible.

You can blame reader Javier V. for that one, a lame Spanish variation of the now infamous TGIF, which as I’ve said countless times, is absolutely forbidden.

Also please stop sending me links to Rebecca Black’s “Friday” music video as if it were some kind of awesome discovery.

It’s not. It’s just not.

It is also very 2011, which means it fails to qualify as a “hot, new thing.”

However, keep sending me what you think should be the new opening for this column so we can replace that dreadful “It’s Friday again!”.

It’s so cheery it makes me sick.

Here are some of your most recent suggestions:

• ¡Por Dios es viernes! (PDEV) - Suggested by English Undergraduate
• Ready for a depressing read? Ready, set, go! - Suggested by Ryan P.
• Otro viernes de mierda! - Suggested by Emma A.
• Your column fucking blows, man. - Suggested by Disgruntled Reader

It’s Friday, bitches!

Yeah, no. That’s lame.

I guess we’ll have to keep looking for a suitable replacement to “It’s Friday again!,” which by now is totally 2011.

Remember to send your suggestions! (And that the expression “TGIF” is completely unacceptable.)

After several weeks of political turmoil and social unrest it seems that things are going back to the usual levels of lunacy.

Even the scandal involving Cristina this week reminds us of a pre-2012 reality, when she would use her pulpit to lecture us all about economy, history, math, literature, foreign languages, biology, technology and probably rocket science without having to mention the Malvinas/Falklands.

Ahh, they were simpler times back then.

But just because things haven’t been as crazy as before, it doesn’t mean you’re off the hook.

This is what you need to know:

Congress is back in action, and lawmakers have done in one week what they couldn't do in all of 2011. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• [IMPORTANT] The flesh-eating puma terrorizing the population of Vicente López still hasn’t turned up, and for some reason this only reinforces the locals’ theory that the ungodly creature totally does exist. In the meantime, the puma has become such a relevant pop-culture icon that someone with a lot of time in their hands has created a fake Twitter account which unfortunately didn’t take, probably because it’s not funny. Now onto the less important stuff.

• This week in Malvinas/Falklands (that’s the sound of my eyes rolling): Bla bla bla Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman said bla bla bla Argentina will sue oil companies involved in drilling in the South Atlantic basin for ignoring a UN mandate bla bla bla UK said “go fuck yourselves.” That’s it. If you want to know more about this nonsense, go check Wikipedia.

• Aaaaaaaaaand it’s over. British Prime Minister David Cameron revealed today that US President Barack Obama told him he was “content with the status quo” resolution, under which the Malvinas/Falklands remain a British overseas territory. Which means that Obama has pivoted from his previous position supporting Argentina’s demands to discuss the matter and Cristina is not gonna be happy about this. Don’t worry, though. He’s just saying this because it’s an election year and he needs to be seen supporting the UK. A year from now he will be back to supporting Argentina, if by then London hasn’t blown us all to smithereens, that is.

• [UPDATE] An Obama administration official has just denied Cameron’s recent statements and said that the US government’s policy on the Malvinas/Falklands issue is that both sides must sit down and talk. “Why didn’t you just amend the last paragraph?” you say? I’m lazy, that’s why.

• You might wanna come back tomorrow to check if there’s a new update saying that the Obama administration has rejected the official’s statements denying Cameron’s statements. Just in case.

• Oh-oh. Catfight! You know how President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner loves to brag about Argentine figures and compare them to those from neighbouring countries that are not doing as great in order to remind us all that she’s the best President in the history of ever? Well she just got a taste of her own medicine, because when unionists asked Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff for a raise and cited Argentina as an example of a country that increases salaries regularly, she immediately replied with a: “Well, it has to. Argentina has got a 20% inflation, my friends.” See what just happened there? She just openly admitted that she doesn’t believe in Argentina’s official inflation figures. She now joins the Non-believers Club, which includes the IMF, The Economist, the political opposition, union leader Hugo Moyano and half of the country, all of them claiming that inflation is now closer to 25% than the Government’s official 9.5% figures. Oh, I can’t wait for the next time those two are in the same room.

• [ANOTHER UPDATE] Rousseff has just issued a statement saying she never discussed Argentina’s inflation during a meeting with union leaders. If you ever wondered why we’re becoming a generation of cynics, this is why.

• Speaking of the IMF, they’re getting the fuck out of Argentina.

• Congress is back in session! And what better way to celebrate that senators and lawmakers are back in action than by having an outrageous fight on the floor of a senatorial committee? As the Kirchnerite caucus was getting ready to pass a bill that forced Mayor Mauricio Macri to accept the management of the subway services, the opposition seized the moment to blame the Government for the Once railway tragedy. Of course, hilarity ensued.

• It’s been a great week for women’s rights! First, Congress decided to eliminate the legal figure of “avenimiento” (which means that if a guy goes to jail for raping his girlfriend, he can get out immediately if she decides to forgive him and marry him) from the Argentine Criminal Code. I personally applaud our congressmen for finally acknowledging that we no longer live in 1864.

• Second, the Supreme Court made history this week after ruling that all rape victims have the right to abortion without having to go to court and explain their cases individually in order to obtain judicial approval.

• I don’t care who you are, where you come from or why you do this. If you’re capable of beating up an elderly woman and leave her looking like this, let me just say you are a repugnant human being and I hope you get your comeuppance some day. Fuck you.

• Did you know there’s an arsonist gang randomly burning cars around Palermo, Caballito and some other areas you’ve never heard from, like Nueva Pompeya or Villa del Parque? Good thing you don’t own a car, huh? So far close to fifty cars have been burned allegedly by an anarchist group called “Liberación Total” (Total Liberation) that has claimed responsibility on their amateur-looking blog. I don’t know what’s up with those two wolves, but it all looks more like a fan-fiction blog for Twilight than the home of a terrorist organization. Just saying.

• The new season of Dancing with the Stars is still a few months away, but rumors about an unusual pair of contestants is already making waves in the social networks and the blogosphere. Since this craptastic piece of show has boldly gone where no other TV show has gone before (so far we’ve had a blind contestant, a contestant with a malformation in one of his arms, a girl suffering from dwarfism, Pamela Anderson, Mike Tyson, la Cicciolina, ugly-looking Ricardo Fort and full frontal nudity), we can only ask: what now? (And don’t get me wrong, I’m all for equality, but you and I know this isn’t about equality, it’s about ratings). Well, surprisingly they may have come up with an original idea, since rumor has it that they will pair up an Argentine Malvinas War veteran with a Malvinas-born woman. So maybe this will finally teach both sides that we’re not all so different from each other and that we can resolve our disputes through interpretive dancing. Or start a war with the United Kingdom. Hopefully it’s not the latter.

• [AND YET ANOTHER UPDATE!]Yeah, no, cancel that. The war veteran just said no. “The Malvinas War is not entertainment,” he said. Ha! Tell that to the President.

• 

  Formula One is coming to Argentina! Yay, more sports to watch from the comfort of your living room! (Photo/Wikipedia)

  From time to time, some of my football-loving friends (that’s right, I have friends who like football. But don’t judge, they are wonderful people.) will invite me to join them at the Chacarita stadium, located in the eponymous neighbourhood, for an afternoon of camaraderie and warm port wine. But, alas! Fate has always frustrated my plans to enjoy a good game of “the football” and time after time I’ve been forced to cancel what I hoped would be a jolly afternoon with the old chaps. And I couldn’t be more grateful. Have you seen what went down there last week between two teams I never heard of? Fuck you guys, there’s no way I’m ever setting foot in that place after this. (BTW: here’s the explanation of what happened in writing, which we all know is a lot more boring than video.)

• Demi-God Lionel Messi had the brilliant idea of playing as goal keeper during practice for a change, and one of his peers took this cool-looking photo of him. Immediately considered to be photographic evidence that Messi is not a Demi-God but actually God, news networks, newspapers and radio shows kept going on for hours about what a great goal keeper he is. “Anything he can’t do?!” they all say. Well, sorry to rain on your parade Argentina, but apparently there is something he can’t do and that is win you the World Cup. So there. Shut up now.

• Great news everyone! Cristina announced this week that the Government is really close to sealing a deal to bring back Formula One to Argentina next year and until 2015! And even better, it’s going to take place in Mar del Plata! Which means now you have the perfect excuse to go there in the summer while no longer suffering from middle-class guilt.

Have a great weekend everyone!