It’s Friday again!

And I’m starting to find this opening line very annoying, so soon we’ll have a contest in which readers will be able to submit what they think is the best way to open this column every week (those of you suggesting “TGIF everyone!” will be banned forever from this site), so start thinking!

In case you’re wondering: no, there’s not gonna be any prize. Whoever wins should be proud that I’ve decided to open my weekly column with something they came up with.

Oh, and also some other thing.

Last week I apparently hit a nerve with the Ultra-K’s (ultra Kirchnerites, those who blindly and violently defend the Fernández de Kirchner administration) after I strongly criticized her hypocritical and out-of-touch stance on the tragic train accident that left 51 dead.

As the pretty little army of brainwashed minions they are, they promptly released the hounds on me, calling me a fascist (that’s new), ignorant (kinda true) and a liar (now that’s crossing the line! Fuckers.)

Sorry kids, but I’m not interested in playing your game. You see, I’m not against any party (well, maybe against this one but that’s a whole different story) nor am I in favor of any other. So get over it.

And if it’s any consolation, I’m not happy about Mauricio Macri either.

Now that we’ve cleared that out and you hate me even more, this is what you need to know:

• 

  Famed rock star and public enemy #1 Roger Waters. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  The Kirchnerite stronghold continues to show signs of fragmentation as people grow increasingly disenchanted with the Government. On top of a rampant inflation and the blatant displays of public deception, you can now add “teachers” to the long list of President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner‘s enemies. You see, last week when Cristina opened the legislative year and gave her unforgettable 195-minute speech, she complained that teachers’ organizations in several provinces had not come to an agreement on their basic salary and condemned their decision to go on strike. Making things worse, she ironically referred to them as people who “only work four hours a day and enjoy a three-month vacation every year.” As expected, teachers all over the country went apeshit and this week they went on a 48-hour strike. Salary discussions are scheduled to continue next Monday and millions of parents are hoping this conflict is solved as soon as possible. Their children, however, are not.

• Speaking of more boring stuff, the subway remains on the least-exciting kind of limbo there is (legal limbo) since neither the City nor the National Government want to deal with that hot potato. Since the City Government “returned” it to the Fernández de Kirchner administration, Cristina replied by suing him. He asked a judge for an injunction in return at least until both parts can come to an agreement, but since no one fucks with Cristina she said she would take the case to Congress, where lawmakers would draft a bill - I know, this is boring but it’s almost over - that would leave Macri no choice but to take them. In the meantime, the whole fucking thing is up for grabs! What do you say? Wanna buy a subway? Yeah, didn’t think so.

• Every British person who reads The Telegraph probably had a stroke this Tuesday after learning that 58% percent of the paper’s readers said the Malvinas/Falklands “should be returned to Argentina” on one of those shitty, unscientific online instant polls. Fortunately Governments, who know better than all of us, don’t give a fuck about what the majority of society thinks and always end up doing whatever they feel like doing. That’s why abortion is still illegal in Argentina, gay marriage is still illegal in the US and the Malvinas are still called Falklands. Viva la democracy!

• Speaking of the Malvinas, remember Roger Waters? Remember how he said he thought the Malvinas belonged to Argentina, a bold statement that was praised by the Argentine community and condemned by the British community? Turns out it was all a huge misunderstanding! What Roger actually said was that he thought the Malvinas should be Argentine, but of course this doesn’t mean that they are Argentine (even though it totally does). That’s dangerous thinking, are you crazy? How dare you claim he said something he actually said? But it’s OK Roger, the people here will still love you no matter what. You could actually burn an Argentine flag with Diego Maradona‘s face printed on it and people would still support you.

• See what I mean? After becoming Argentina’s hero for a few days you ended up betraying their hearts and minds by making a 180° on such a sensitive issue, and yet here you are meeting with the President. Everybody happy! (Except for the Brits. Those guys will probably stone him to death as soon as he sets foot back in England).

• Thought we were done talking about Roger Waters? Think again. After his controversial backtracking, a lot of people who previously supported him suddenly realized that having sold 400,000 tickets, he will be leaving the country with trillions (trillions!) of dollars. But how was he going to get past the dollar-sniffing dogs deployed by the Government in order to stop those trying to leave the country with cash? Will he able to do so because of his celebrity status, while us mortals have to hide it in our spare tires and dirty underwear? Well thanks to the media, Facebook and Twitter (it’s always those two, isn’t it? It’s never LinkedIn or that new crap “Pinterest.”) the rumor that he was being given a free pass by the Government got so big that the head of the AFIP himself had to call in a press conference and explain that since all the tickets had been sold before the new measures against capital flight were enacted, it was all good for Mr. Waters. Bottom line: the rich always win. Sorry, poors!

• Transportation Secretary Juan Pablo Schiavi, who was in hot water after the Once railway tragedy, resigned this week after Cristina said “he had to go.” Finally! Maybe his resignation will usher in a new era of traffic safety and stricter controls when it comes to public transportation services.

• Or not. Since apparently 51 people is not enough, a train collided with a school bus this week, injuring eleven. Here’s the video. Get ready to squirm in your seat.

• Speaking of accidents: you know how I always tell you to be careful when crossing Libertador Avenue? This is why.

• Remember that double murder case in Salta six months ago? Two French tourists were raped and killed while they were trekking the Quebrada de San Lorenzo. Well this time a Japanese and an American girl assured they had been raped, and even though details are still sketchy about what really happened in both cases, the case became notorious after Salta’s security minister said maybe girls shouldn’t trust strangers so much. Classy guy, this minister! He was immediately fired by the Salta governor, who swiftly apologized for the minister’s callous statement. Fortunately no one was killed, which means no one cares.

• Here is something that I’m sure is not going to surprise many of you: the US State Departmenthas released
  

  This puma looks so badass I decided to go with it. Honestly I was gonna use this photo of some girl snorting coke but I found that to be too mundane. So you get the badass puma instead. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  their 2012 International Narcotics Control Strategy Report and Argentina has the dubious honor of having the highest prevalence of cocaine use among South and Central American countries. How middle class of you, Argentina! Congrats, maybe?

• Lionel Messi scored five times in some game I don’t care about, breaking some other record I don’t care about either. Whatever.

• It’s baaaaaaaack! Remember that vicious, blood-thirsty, man-killing puma that has been terrifying Vicente López for the last few weeks even though no one has seen or heard from it in like, ever? Well apparently killing no one was not enough because it has come for more! And get this: this time there’s actual footage *gasp* of the devious feline, caught by a brave area man who stood in the face of the monster from like a block away and got some blurry images of the animal on the prowl. And don’t be fooled by the fact that what the guy saw is totally a domestic cat, because no matter what anyone says THIS IS A FUCKING PUMA! OK?! Here, see for yourself… if you dare.

• 

  This is a puma, according to the people of Vicente Lopez. For the love of God, don't make any eye contact! (Photo/Wikipedia)

  You have no idea what you’re supposed to be looking at right? OK, let me help. See that round window with a white water pipe right next to it close to the upper left quadrant? (“Quadrant“? Jesus, I sound like a SWAT team). Well, if you look a little to the right of the water pipe you will see there’s a door leading into the room with the round window. Now look at that small ledge over that door. Go to the 00:01 mark and click play. See that small house cat jumping down from it onto the balcony wall? OMFG THAT’S THE PUMA!!!!

• You’re welcome.

• Also believe it or not, that video has been playing non-stop on every network for the last two days. In fact people are now so terrified that they actually set up a trap that involves a goat inside a cage and… well that’s pretty much it. Rings a bell? That’s right, if a big storm hits the city this weekend and the power goes out, Vicente López will officially become Jurassic Park.

• **FRIDAY EVENING UPDATE** You may think this is a joke, but it’s not. It appears that the residents of Pilar are jealous that Vicente López is grabbing the spotlight and have decided to come up with their own batshit crazy version of “deadly creature on the loose.” That’s right people, everyone in Pilar is now boarding up their doors and windows and loading their guns because there’s a freaking python terrorizing the neighborhood!! So there you go. Next time you’re invited to a pool party in Pilar and you don’t feel like it because it’s too far away, this is your perfect excuse.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday again!

And it’s been a weird week in Argentina. Politically speaking, it’s mostly been a mess.

Not much has happened in the non-political world. Kids have gone back to school so now we have to avoid the little spoiled brats while they’re running down the street again.

Surprisingly there are no shocking videos this week. No Big Brother jokes either. No soft porn! How tragically disappointing.

No, this week has been mostly about politics, and it has propelled the Argentine population into doing a little soul-searching about the current political scenario.

That’s right folks, today it’s gonna be one of those “mostly about politics” column, so you’re welcome to close this window and go back to enjoying some videos about kittens on You Tube.

It’s like one of those “Choose your own adventure” books, where you could end up dead if you made the wrong choice.

If you wanna be an asshole and blatantly disregard the current political shit storm affecting the country you’re living in so you can keep looking at kittens, go here. If you have the balls to keep reading go… well just keep reading.

Good for you!

Now, as I was saying: this week has been about the Malvinas/Falklands sovereignty issue, the tragic Once train accident that still haunts millions of commuters and what exactly is the role President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is supposed to play in our lives.

And it mostly culminated yesterday afternoon, when the President gave an impassioned three-hour speech as she opened the 2012 legislative year in Congress and she tried to remind everyone in this country why she’s the Head of State.

Is this all too hard for you to understand? Am I going too fast?

Well maybe if you gave up pot it wouldn’t be. Just saying.

Ready? Here we go.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was in the eye of the (shit) storm this week (Photo/Wikipedia)

  After the Once railway accident, President Fernández de Kirchner disappeared. Well, she didn’t disappear. She just went away to her Santa Cruz retreat for the long weekend without even making a statement or calling the families of the victims. This of course infuriated the population. Even her most hardcore supporters began saying that it was wrong for her to ignore such a tragic event. “We were there for you when your husband died, where are you now that WE need you?” they said. Tongue-in-cheek “Wanted” posters showed up on Facebook and Twitter, urging the President to return to Buenos Aires and address this mess directly. She didn’t, since last Sunday would have been her late husband’s birthday and she chose to stay away from the public eye.

• (Technically this is last Friday’s news, but it happened a few hours after I posted last week’s WNR.) Once all the 50 victims of the railway crash were identified, there was still one person unaccounted for. 20-year old Lucas Menghini Rey was nowhere to found. He wasn’t in any hospital and he wasn’t in the morgue either. His parents, who had been told by a fireman that he had been evacuated alive, began this desperate crusade throughout the city to find him, aided by the media and the entire country’s population who kept posting his photo on Facebook and Twitter. On Friday evening, and by mere chance, the police finally found his body compacted between the third and fourth cart of the train. He had been lying there for two days but everyone had failed to notice. The outrage was immediate and it sparked a very violent protest outside the Once station. People set the place on fire while the always-present opportunists began ransacking nearby stores. The police responded with teargas and closed the station until the situation was once again under control. People kept asking for the President to address this situation personally in order to bring calm to the situation, but she never showed.

• Then last Monday the President returned to the spotlight in Rosario, right in front of the National Flag Memorial, where she gave a speech to commemorate the 200th anniversary of the first hoisting of the Argentine flag.

• First thing she did? She sang of course. And completely out of tune I might add.

• Then, to save face after some complicated week, she began reminding everyone of all the many nice things her Government has done since 2003. She conveniently left out rampaging inflation, unstoppable corruption and questionable table manners.

• Then she discussed the Once tragedy and said she hoped the culprits were found in no longer than 15 days. “I will not accept that some people blatantly try and exploit the dead in order to score a few political points,” she said, apparently forgetting that that is exactly what she’s been doing since her husband passed away.

• And just like that everyone got over the infuriating rage that had been invading them for several days. Yay, politics! Now do you understand why I’m such a cynic? Machiavelli would be proud.

• If you thought this whole mess would mean that the Government would
  

  Niccolo Machiavelli. One of those guys you know you should read someday but never cared much to do so. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  forget about the Malvinas/Falklands, think again. This week, the Tierra del Fuego government banned two cruises from docking at one of its ports. The local Government also contacted Argentina’s twenty largest companies and asked (ASKED, not ORDERED. ASKED. You get that, Daily Mail?) them if they could stop buying British goods until the UK decided to comply with the UN and discuss the islands’ sovereignty with Argentina. The UK of course, was not amused and responded with some generic politically correct bullshit like “well, that’s not good” or something like that.

• Then yesterday the President went to Congress to open the legislative year and spoke on live television for 195 minutes (that’s like watching Titanic AND one episode of Robot Chicken altogether!) and reviewed her administration’s greatest hits while leaving out the inconvenient truths. She then cried some more about how hard it is for her to keep going (she’s a widow, in case your forgot) and then, in a surprise move, she announced that she wished to reinstate commercial flights between Buenos Aires and the Malvinas Islands as a gesture of good will to show that Argentina is a nation of peace, not war (she’s right about that one). So she said she hoped the matter could be discussed with the British government and people could start flying there again soon. Yay, politics!

• Yeah, about that… the Malvinas governor has replied and said said “no.” So… no.

• Mayor Mauricio Macri decided to return the Subte to the National Government. That’s right. Remember two months ago when- OH MY FUCKING GOD LIONEL MESSI JUST PERFORMED A HAT TRICK IN A FRIENDLY MATCH BETWEEN ARGENTINA AND GREECE SWITZERLAND* AND EVEN THOUGH IT HAS NO RELEVANCE BECAUSE IT’S JUST A FRIENDLY MATCH THE ENTIRE COUNTRY IS GOING INSANE! OMG! OMG! OMG!

• You think that’s funny? Because that’s exactly what happened on Wednesday. As Macri was announcing that the subway system was entering legal limbo, people (and the mainstream media) were more interested in a relatively irrelevant football game than the fate of millions of commuters. Once Macri’s press conference was over, one journalist uttered these words on live television: “Well, that was intense. Now back to the game…”. So as I like to say every week: fuck football.

• Since we’ve already discussed the important stuff - Messi’s hat trick - we can go back to discussing more trivial stuff, like the fact that Mayor Mauricio Macri decided to return the Subte to the National Government. That’s right. Remember two months ago when the City took over the management of the subway system and the fare went up to $2,50 and there was this whole scandal over it? Don’t lie. You DON’T remember because you were not here. You were partying like crazy back in your home country while I was basically writing for myself here, so stop lying you transparent fool. Well, but that’s basically it. The City took over the subway for two months, but then Security Minister Nilda Garré announced she would be withdrawing all Federal Police presence from the subway stations because crime prevention down there was up to the City’s Metropolitan Police. So Macri said “Fuck it, I don’t want it. Now take it back.” Yeah, that’s how grown ups do business here.

• After Macri’s announcement, the President replied: “You can keep the Federal Police down there for 30 more days. Now shut the fuck up and grow a pair.” Macri, however, apparently hasn’t grown a pair and declined the President’s offer to keep the subway and returned it. “Returned the subway.” Ha! I love this country.

• Oscar-nominated and Argentine-born actress Berenice Bejo, that girl who starred in “The Artist” and was glorified as the most Argentine thing to happen to Argentina since the invention of dulce de leche even though she couldn’t even remember where she was born because she left the country and moved to France when she was three, lost the competition last Sunday to The Help’s Octavia Spencer. The media immediately began referring to her as “that French girl who lost.” Oh well, at least we still have this video featuring San Lorenzo-fan and hobo-looking Viggo Mortensen. He was Aragorn in Lord of the Rings, you know!

• Once upon a time, back in the 1970s (or 60s, or one of those, whatever) there was this really big British band called Pink Floyd that sang about politics and war and stuff. Also something about a wall, but this is all from the Cold War era (if you clicked on Cold War, you should know you disgust me) and I’m sure you don’t give a shit about it. Anyway, the band’s lead singer, a man who goes by the name of Roger Waters, is scheduled to perform nine shows this month. 400,000 people from all over the country have purchased their tickets to go see him. That’s 1% of the country’s population. That’s right, 1% of the country is going to go see this guy, that’s how big he is. And since he’s such a big star here, when asked about the Malvinas/Falklands clusterfuck during an interview with the Chilean press, he just said it categorically: they belong to Argentina. I know what you’re thinking: “Such an opportunist!”. But in Mr. Water’s defense, he has stood by Argentina’s claim ever since the Malvinas War. He even wrote a song about it! So shut up.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday again!

And what a fucked up week it’s been for Argentina.

So this week’s column is going to be rather grim, because that’s just the way it is.

You have probably heard all about it by now, but just in case you don’t give a damn, which trust me, is possible, here’s what you need to know about the latest tragic train accident:

• 

  This photo illustrates what TBA considers should be an "acceptable" service. Fuck them. (Photo/Beatrice Murch)

  At 8:32 AM on Wednesday, a train from the Sarmiento line entering the Once railway station failed to break as it reached the platform and hit the track bumper at 20 km/hour, leaving 51 people dead and over 700 people injured (click here for footage from the security cameras at the moment of the crash). After such a strong impact, the second car was plunged “about six meters into the first,” which is where most of the victims were found. In case you haven’t noticed, most commuters usually enter the first car in order to get off first and save time, so you can imagine how packed it gets in there during rush hour. Most of the people inside the first car were killed instantly.

• Even though the reasons for the accident remain unknown and forensic authorities have begun analyzing every aspect of it in order to figure out what went wrong, the tragedy has once again sparked a long-standing debate about the poor state of the trains that millions of people take every day to go to work. However, a representative from Trenes de Buenos Aires (TBA, the company running the train system) showed up at the station to defend the service saying that he considers it to be “acceptable.” Yeah, that’s right. This is “acceptable” to him. Or this. Or this. I shiver to think what it is he would consider “bad” service. Fucker.

• A few hours after the accident, Transportation Secretary Juan Pablo Schiavi gave an unfortunate press conference, which he opened by saying that accidents like this happen all over the world (“so don’t blame us!” *hint, hint*) and then said that had this happened on Tuesday, which was a holiday, the tragedy would have been a lot less serious. In response to what you’re probably wondering: no, he has not resigned nor has he been fired.

• President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner issued a statement, saying she was deeply saddened by the tragedy and announced two days of national mourning. Then no one has any idea what happened to her but she’s been MIA ever since.

• She also cancelled carnival celebrations, which were scheduled to take place this weekend on 9 de Julio Av. This kind of makes sense since I don’t think shaking your naked ass on a float in front of thousands of people on a day of national mourning is a great idea.

• As the death toll and the amount of injured passengers continued to rise, the international media got ahold of the news and heads of state from all over the world began sending their messages of support to the Argentine population. Mexico, Chile, the United States and Spain were some of the first nations to send their condolences in light of this tragic incident. But imagine the population’s surprise when suddenly the United Kingdom, whose relationship with Argentina has been more than tense in the last few months due to the Malvinas/Falklands controversy, was among the first to say that “their thoughts were with the families of the victims and with the emergency services still trying to help those involved.” See, people? This is what true diplomacy is all about. Sure, both countries may sound like they are about to kill each other, but in the face of tragedy, you leave your differences aside and you help whoever is in need. Had this happened in the UK, would you have had a similar attitude (I’m talking to you, Argentines)? If your answer was “I would have said they deserved it for stealing our islands,” then let me just say you, my friend, are an idiot.

• Speaking of the Malvinas/Falklands, a group of Argentine journalists, philosophers and other hard-to-pinpoint professions sent an open letter to the media in which they said that they had had it with all this bullshit and surprisingly had decided to side with the islanders and their right to self-determination. Can you imagine? Traitors! So the President charged them with heresy and ordered to have them burned at the stake, to which the populace hastily complied.

• Ha! No, of course they were not burned. But everyone pretty much told them to go fuck themselves. Here’s the letter in case you want to read it in Spanish, even though I know you couldn’t care less.

• Mark your calendars: the National Day against Mining Exploitation is coming. And no, this is not another holiday that the Government just pulled out of its ass. Apparently it’s gonna be this nation-wide protest against mining activities in the north-western provinces. You’re disappointed, aren’t you? You thought this was going to be another day off, didn’t you? Well it’s not. Deal with it.

• Prestigious London-based magazine “The Economist” has had it with the local Government trying to sugarcoat inflation and announced it would stop using Argentina’s official inflation statistics. In other non-related news, I also expect them to announce soon that Darth Vader is Luke’s father, Mili Vanilli were really lip-synching all along and Bruce Willis is dead.

• In another heavy blow to the cruise industry (which is already in hot water after the Costa Concordia fuck up incident), a waitress working in the MSC Armonia died of Influenzavirus B after being hospitalized in critical condition in Santos, Brazil. Several people in the cruise, which arrived in Buenos Aires on Wednesday, started showing similar symptoms and everyone started freaking out, but then the local Government said there was no threat so everyone decided to overcome the tragic death of the waitress by going shopping in Palermo Soho. See? And they didn’t even need Dr. House for this one.

• Did you click on that “Influenzavirus B” link? You didn’t, did you? That’s OK, it’s not like you would have understood a single word of it. Let’s just call it a really bad flu, period.

• Socialite, philanthropist, Argentina’s wealthiest person in the entire
  

  No one you know. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  universe and old person Amelia “Amelita” Fortabat passed away last weekend at the age of 90 (not that you care since you never heard of her). However, she was a prominent figure who inspired Andy Warhol to paint a portrait of her. And that makes her a thousand times cooler than you (unless you’re Marilyn Monroe) and worthy of being mentioned on this column.

• And finally: here’s a video that has been making the rounds on Facebook and Twitter, that at first makes you laugh and a few minutes later it keeps resonating in the echo chamber of your brain until you come to understand that there is really nothing funny about it. Maybe it’s the decadent state of that centuries-old, unusable blackboard in some God-forsaken school in Catamarca. Maybe it’s the finger-painted wall, collecting digital signatures since who knows how many years back, displaying signs of neglect. Maybe it’s the teacher’s attempt to conceal the fact that she just doesn’t know how to multiply while her students blatantly laugh at her ignorance. But mostly, I’m sure it’s the realization that this is the standard of education we’re offering future generations. Children who in a few years will be in charge of keeping society afloat while we hope to live with whatever shitty pension we’re entitled to. So yeah, that’s right. We’re fucked.

• Also, in her defense, I don’t think I’ve multiplied anything without a calculator since 1997, so I’m sure I wouldn’t know how to do it either. Give her a break.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday again!

And let’s deal with the ongoing Malvinas clusterfuck so we can get that out of the way fast, yes?

I know you’re tired of reading about it but when the missiles start coming and you need the location to the closest fallout shelter you will be thanking me.

Now be a good boy/girl and read.

This is what you need to know, in a nutshell:

• 

  Yeah, we all knew I was gonna go with a photo of Sean Penn. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Sean Penn visited Argentina. Yay! Sean Penn! He came here to ask for money because he’s a goodwill ambassador for Haiti and those people need dollars to fix their country after the devastating earthquake that left their nation in ruins two years ago. But then Sean Penn criticized the British government for not wanting to return the Malvinas/Falklands to the Argentines and now the Brits are offended. Argentines, on the contrary, are delighted with Sean Penn. Some of them have even said he should run for president of the United States! Of course the truth is that had he said the opposite and defended the UK, most Argentines would have said “¿Qué mierda se tiene que venir a meter este yankee de mierda en temas que no le importan?”. I know it, you know it, we all know it.

• Two fighter planes escorted a small Cessna plane to the islands. That’s it. It’s a non-issue. But the media (that’s us) needs to sell, so the day after, newspapers were basically going: “OH MY GOD, LOOK! LOOK! LOOK AT WHAT THEY ARE DOING! THEY DID THIS NEW TOTALLY NON-THREATENING THING BUT WE’LL SPIN IT SO IT SOUNDS TERRIFYING, LOOK!! YOU SHOULD BE MAD!!!” And people got mad. *sigh*

• Also, Argentina accepted the UN’s offer to act as mediator in the conflict, but that doesn’t sell so there’s not much to say about it.

• Last bullet point about Malvinas, I swear: Have you ever noticed, while taking a stroll down Plaza de Mayo, that there is some sort of camp set up on its south side, with white flags asking the President for official recognition? Well those are former soldiers that have been camping there for years, hoping that the Government will consider them war veterans, even though technically they are not. You see, those former soldiers were on active duty during the Malvinas War, but they were never sent to fight. They were dispatched to Patagonia and remained there for months, but they never fired a single shot or engaged in combat, because the war took place entirely on the islands. Probably the most dangerous situation they had to endure was trying not to die of boredom. So since they are not war veterans they do not get a veteran’s pension. Simple, right? No, nothing is simple in this country. They still want their pension no matter what, so this week they resorted to (what else?) interrupting traffic on the 9 de Julio Avenue hoping to draw some media attention. In response, the government responded with (what else?) rubber bullets and tear gas. Considering for a moment the 9 de Julio Av. looked like a fucking battlefield, I’d say these guys are now entitled to their pensions. See? It all works out in the end.

• And to think that all this is because of those two little islands that neither Britain nor Argentina really care about, no matter what they say.

• You’re probably aware by now that the shit has hit the fan in the northwest of the country and the population of Catamarca, San Juan and La Rioja have risen against the oppressive tyranny of the mining companies which apparently pollute the environment but the National Government doesn’t give a fuck because they rake in the big bucks. You’re not? Well, I’m not surprised. Anyway, the Fernández de Kirchner administration has been under severe scrutiny after the police fired teargas and rubber bullets at the environmental activists who were protesting the mining activities. So the President thought it would be a great idea to give a speech on live television in which a helmet-wearing miner thanked her for supporting the mining industry, which creates lots of jobs and totally doesn’t poison the land. “I know a lot more than those environmentalists because I spend all day working in the mines,” he said, and everyone was happy and cheered and laughed. And then one day later the media learned that the helmet-wearing miner was not really a helmet-wearing miner, but a non-helmet-wearing political activist from outside Buenos Aires who had just pretended to a helmet-wearing miner to make the protesters look bad. This is democracy, people. I told you it sucks.

• And speaking about democracy and new ways of curtailing your constitutional rights, another scandal has just exploded right on the face of the National Government, after the media found out about this so-called “Project X,” an intelligent-gathering database that according to sources in the National Gendarmerie “is used as an analytical tool and guideline in court cases, like informational support to Operative Units.” Which we all know is bullshit for “spying on you.” The Government of course has said that it would not comment on the matter until it finds some half-baked explanation that gullible voters will buy no matter what. Well they didn’t say it like that, but that’s what they meant.

• The Argentine population is fuming after word got out that national lawmakers and senators had agreed on a 100% salary hike for themselves, effectively going from earning 15,000 to 30,000 pesos a month. And every major political party was in favor of it (of course). Hey, don’t judge! Non-existing inflation is hard to deal with, you know? Especially when you’re a hard-working politician. I mean look at these guys! They are so exhausted from working they pass out on their seats in Congress. Right?

• Vice-President Amado Boudou, who as we all know still insists on pretending to be young and hip even though he’s not, grabbed a guitar and climbed on stage all sweaty and fat and started rockin’ it out with La Mancha de Rolando. But my favorite part was seeing him wearing a t-shirt that read “Clarín miente” (Clarín lies), which we all know is kind of true sometimes but he should be acting like a vice-president and not like a patronizing, rebellious teenager.

• Yeah, that was it. I know it’s not really news. I just wanted to show what a douchebag he can be sometimes.

• In case you didn’t know, Argentina’s version of Adolf Hitler, former de facto President and current Monster of the Black Lagoon General Jorge Rafael Videla (cue this music whenever he enters a room) is not dead, even though we all wish he were. And from time to time he gives some random interview from his tiny prison cell just to remind us all that he may somehow kill us in our sleep. For those who clearly don’t give a shit about Argentine history or otherwise they would know about it, this is the guy who staged the 1976 coup d’état that sparked the country’s darkest era to date since it included torturing pregnant women, stealing their babies and making political dissidents “disappear.” When democracy returned in 1983, 30,000 people had been “disappeared” and 500 babies had been stolen. However, Videla does not agree with history, so once again he has crawled out of his dark, moist cave to accuse the Kirchners of being “vengeful,” and to assure that it’s not 30,000 people who were killed but merely 7,000. Well. Maybe we should throw him a parade then? Agh, just die already.

• Oh-oh. You may want to call your parents before they hear about this from somewhere else: Germany, France, Spain, the United Kingdom, the United States and Brazil are all raising their warning levels for travelers coming to Buenos Aires. And after last week’s incident in Plaza San Martín, can you blame them? However, I feel like I need to be fair here and come out in defense of Buenos Aires. First of all, most of you don’t leave Recoleta, Palermo or San Telmo, where the worst thing that can happen to you is getting stabbed, and that would probably be your fault for deciding to take a stroll at 3 in the morning. You just have to be careful, period.

• Yeah, I know. I said “first of all” so there should have been a “second” part but I totally spaced out and lost my train of thought. So whatever.

• Also, I’m not trying to freak you out or anything, but a few days ago there was a near collision between two passenger planes in Aeroparque. Technically they “grazed” each other on the tarmac, which means they were two millimeters away from killing 400 people. So… you know. Fingers crossed next time you’re flying to the Iguazú falls or Punta del Este or wherever it is you like to go.

• Well, we all knew it was bound to happen sooner or later: a wachiturro
  

  This is a wachiturro. You've been warned. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  has been arrested in Chile on terrorism charges. Yeah, that’s right: a wachiturro. In case you’re not familiar with their horrendous –yet ridiculously popular- music, here’s a sample of their most famous single “Tirate un paso.” Anyway, one of the wachiturros, apparently referred to by some people as the “Scary wachiturro,” (just like one of the Spice Girls, although for entirely different reasons), had no better idea than to say, after going through the metal detectors in a Chilean airport, that he was happy security “had not been able to find the bomb he was carrying.” Bad move, Scary Wachiturro! Within a few seconds he was arrested by the airport police and I really don’t know what happened after that because I found the story to be extremely dull and stopped reading. Maybe he’s been released; maybe he’s been shipped off to Guantanamo. Who cares?

• Here, have some fun with the new map that’s been making the rounds on Facebook, Twitter and maybe Friendster. It’s a map of the city of Buenos Aires according to the “cool Palermo crowd” (you know who you are). So wrong, yet so true.

• And yes, the Malvinas clusterfuck has now reached the rock bottom part of this column, usually reserved for anything football-related because that’s how much I care about that idiotic sport. However this is kind of fun, so read on: in an effort to push stupidity to the max, the AFA decided to name the Clausura Tournament “Crucero General Belgrano” in honor of the eponymous Argentine warship that was sunk by the Royal Navy during the Malvinas/Falklands War in 1982. Who knows what kind of amorphous monster could result from such a manic combination of shallow nationalism and dangerous fanaticism? Well we may never know because the FIFA is now considering sanctioning the AFA since it may have incurred in “political discrimination.” Why? I don’t know, I’m just happy this is all happening.

• Ah, now here’s a manly sport that I respect because at least no one is trying to sell you that whole “sportsmanship” crap that no one believes in anyway (like football). You see, what I like about Boxing is that basically you have to kill your opponent, and the cathartic process seemingly helps satisfy the bloodlusting-crowds. Well, except for last week in Mar del Plata when Filipino boxer Johnriel (“Johnriel”? Really? OK.) Casimero killed knocked out Argentine boxer Luis Lazarte (sorry, no Wiki page. I guess he’s not that important) and all hell broke loose, with the audience jumping into the ring and trying to kick Johnriel’s ass. Don’t believe me? Here, it’s all caught on tape.

It’s Friday again!

And yes, this week’s column is mostly gonna be about the Malvinas/Falklands clusterfuck once more.

Have you rolled your eyes at me yet?

Good. Because I don’t care.

This is what you need to know:

You might run into this while walking around Olívos. How dangerously exotic! (Photo/Wikipedia)

• Previously on Weekly News Roundup: it was the UK’s turn to spice things up a bit in this Malvinas/Falkland never ending stupidity, so they sent the HMS Dauntless, a nuclear submarine and Prince William to the islands just in case Argentina decided to call them “silly.” That’s it.

• Everyone was caught off guard this week when the National Government announced that President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was going to be making a statement on national television in relation to the ongoing diplomatic conflict. While many feared she was going to make a formal declaration of war, others were more optimistic and suggested that she was going to offer the islanders a deal to create a weekly flight from Buenos Aires to the islands, which would have been really cool because I totally want to visit them. But alas, the cameras went on and the circus began. The Government had invited members of the opposition and war veterans to witness her speech, but they also let in a bunch of chanting idiots who started waving their flags and singing insults towards the British (because I’m sure the islanders are just gonna love that). And then, as the world anxiously awaited her “important announcement,” she finally said that since the UK has not complied with Argentina’s demands, she has no choice but to keep making them. Well, not really but kind of. She accused the UK of “militarizing” the South Atlantic, which is kind of hyperbolic but whatever, and warned she was going to file a formal complaint before the United Nations and the Security Council. Something she could have announced without the need to appeal to shallow nationalism.

• And while everyone was still oozing peace and love from their pores and singing about giving peace a chance as they were leaving the Government House, some Malvinas War veterans showed up and beat up Kirchnerite lawmaker José María Díaz Bancalari just because. I guess that is how they roll.

• The British press had a lot of nasty things to say about Cristina after the announcement. She’s “authoritarian” and “a quintessential bully,” they said. But the fuck up of the week goes to the Malvinas/Falklands-based online newspaper Penguin News, after the Argentine press learned that the photo of Cristina they used for their main piece on the website last Tuesday was uploaded under the name “bitch.jpg”. Whoops!

• Also, the Telegraph ran an article saying that Argentina has no more claim to the islands than Canada does to Alaska. Well, I’m sure that if being a part of Canada meant getting rid of Sarah Palin, Alaskans would sign up for Canadian citizenship like that. Just saying.

• And since the Barack Obama (really, you clicked on that? Wow) administration seems to support Argentina’s claim on this matter (their position is that the only way to solve this is through diplomatic dialogue), Cristina is super happy and wants to be BFFs with the United States. Yay! Argentine ambassador to the US Jorge Argüello said his goal is now to take the bilateral relationship to the best place possible. Nice! Maybe they can go back to being fuck buddies, like they were called in the 90s. You don’t believe me? It’s true! Back in the 90s, the US and Argentina were so close that the local Government and press began saying that they were having “relaciones carnales” which in Spanish means – you guessed it – fucking. Of course the true story is that Argentina was in fact getting fucked by the neoliberal policies of the Washington Consensus but whatever. Yay, friends!

• Really sad news: a French 52-year old man who was visiting Argentina was brutally murdered in broad daylight by a man who tried to steal his camera while he was taking photos at the Malvinas War Memorial in Plaza San Martín. The man, identified as Laurent Schwebel, was stabbed twice in the chest and tried to walk for a few meters, asking for help. He eventually collapsed as horrified bystanders tried to assist him. The police have arrested a suspect who they believe was responsible for the murder. This proves that even though Buenos Aires is a relatively safe city you must always be aware of your surroundings and stay alert. Be safe, OK?

• Also, this tragic death aside, this is the third French tourist to be murdered in Argentina in less than a year. Half a year ago two women were raped and murdered in Salta, and even though the men who did it were quickly arrested, this is still terrible PR for Argentina. I would understand it if the French decided to stop visiting out of fear. Let’s hope they don’t.

• Oh and also, a few meters away from where the French man was brutally murdered, a cable got caught in a freight truck that was passing by, causing a traffic light to fall on top of a Brazilian tourist who was just standing there. So… yeah, you know where I’m going with this.

• Avoid Plaza San Martín altogether, is what I’m trying to say.

• And while we’re at it, you might want to avoid Vicente López as well since a blood-thirsty puma is apparently terrorizing the neighborhood. Yeah, that’s right. A puma (as in: a motherfucking puma). Oh, please! Spare me the “this shit doesn’t happen where I come from” face. It does and it does. Shut the fuck up already.

• Have you ever tried walking across the Pan-american Highway (click here to see what it looks like outside of Buenos Aires)? Well, you may be a coward but as you can see in this video grandma isn’t, so she did. And she didn’t care who could have died in the process.

• And here’s my good deed of the day: next time you land at the Ezeiza International Airport or the Aeroparque Airport and you’re walking like a zombie, dragging your suitcase while trying to cope with your jet lag, please remember NOT TO head over to Global Exchange to trade your dollars/euros for some pesos. Because as it turns out, these mischievous guys will take your money for a 20% less value than any other money exchange place. For every dollar they will give you 3.47 pesos (when they should be giving you close to 4.35). See? And some people say this column has no value to society.

• Since this week private vehicles are no longer allowed into the Downtown BA area on weekdays from 11 am to 4 pm, in an effort to cut down traffic jams. Not that you care because you don’t own a car.

• Great news people! The National Government just announced that if you don’t have your SUBE card yet there’s no reason to worry! Because they’ve decided to push the deadline to March 2nd. since apparently there’s a couple of losers who didn’t get the memo saying that if they don’t have their SUBE cards soon, they will lose their public transportation subsidy benefits. Which means you stood in line for three hours under the searing siesta sun for nothing.

Rest in peace, Spinetta. The Wachiturros will never even come close to your music. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• Rock legend and Argentine icon Luis Alberto Spinetta died on Wednesday after battling with lung cancer for more than six months. The entire country and even Latin America will continue to mourn this musical genius for days, since he is considered to be one of the forefathers of what is locally known as “rock nacional.” He will be remembered by many songs, but his most popular hit will always be “Muchacha ojos de papel,” a sweet ballad he wrote after being inspired by his muse back in 1969 that still fills 50 and 60 somethings with nostalgia. Listen to it, it’s pretty nice.

• Remember a few months ago when local football megastar Martín Palermo announced he was retiring, and they threw this huge farewell party at the Boca Juniors stadium, and everyone paid a lot of money to go there and everyone was crying because it was an emotional moment and they even gave give an actual goal as a gift and stuff? Well, as it turns out that wasn’t the real farewell party, for some reason! And if you thought so then you must have misunderstood. You see, the real farewell party was last Sunday and if you wanted to attend you had to pay again of course. Isn’t football great? Yeah. Great way to make money! Like some bright mind tweeted recently: “I loved Martin Palermo’s farewell party last Sunday. I really hope the next one in six months is even better.” Clap, clap, clap.

• Oh, and before I forget: please don’t write to me explaining how one was a farewell ceremony and the other was a farewell game. I really, really, really don’t give a shit.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday again!

And I’m mortified to say that this may be our last Weekly News Roundup ever, since the way things are going it’s very probable that in a few days Buenos Aires will be replaced by a highly radioactive wasteland after a British nuke goes off somewhere in the City, the result of David Cameron’s unilateral escalation of the Malvinas / Falklands sovereignty conflict.

Haha, I’m kidding of course!

However, don’t tell your mother about these jokes because you know how parents react to all this. You make a joke about war and they start freaking out, yelling at you for abandoning the comfort of your first-world lifestyle to leave for “Argelina or one of those countries near Brazil” (“Brazil” being the only country they more or less know how to locate on a map of South America. Yeah, that’s right, it’s always Brazil. It’s not Colombia, it’s not Paraguay and God knows it’s not Guyana, a country that even I thought was in Africa for several years. I know it. You know it. We all know it.)

Deal with it.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Prince William. His country may have nuclear weapons and rule the Malvinas, but he's going bald and there's nothing he can do about that. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Since apparently Mr. Cameron is dealing with some troubles at home he needs to divert attention and find a cause that will fire up the population. And what better way of doing that than appealing to the most primal of stupid nationalism? And while Argentina keeps saying “let’s talk about how those islands should belong to us,” the British government replies “Oh my God, invasion!!” So in order to protect the Malvinas/Falklands from a certain non-invasion and bring all of us closer to war, Great Britain has:

• 1) Decided it would be a great idea to send the HMS Dauntless to the islands in order to protect them from Argentina’s non-invasion. Despite its totally gay name, the Dauntless is a powerful anti-air destroyer capable of shooting down Argentina’s non-existing air force. Of course the British government said it was just “routine,” but we all know what that means.

• 2) In addition to that impressive warship, they also thought it would be smart to deploy to the islands none other than Prince William himself, who I’m sure is thrilled to have to stay at some barren, windy outpost north of nowhere for six weeks. I can totally see him, scotch in hand, going ”What the fuck am I doing here?” and such. Of course the British government said it was just “routine,” but we all know what that means.

• 3) As if that were not enough, Meryl Streep‘s latest film, “The Iron Lady,” which depicts the life of British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and focuses somewhat on the 1982 war between England and Argentina, opened yesterday and now everyone is depressed because it reminds them of that drunken military president who went to war with the UK because he needed to rally the country’s population behind some random cause to retain power. So I would suggest you avoid the issue altogether unless you wanna get punched in the face.

• أخبار عظيمة للجميع! (That’s supposed to be “Great news, everyone!” in Arabic according to Google Translate. It should have been in Farsi, but the option is not available so fuck it.) Inhuman rights champion and President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmedinejad officially launched last Tuesday a new Spanish news network which he expects will present “the cultural reality of Iran, the Middle East and Latin America.” In a very contrived Spanish, good old Mahmoud said: “Death to America!” “Viva España! Viva America Latina!” That’s great Mr. President! And you know, his administration is changing after all. A few years ago they would stone women to death, but now they “kinda call off the whole stoning thing.” A few years ago they would also execute the gays just for being gay, but now they have no more gays! They must have cured them or something. Right? Right?? Also, I’m pretty sure he was high when he made that video.

• Did you enjoy that overrated French movie, Amelie? Did you also enjoy that clearly underrated masterpiece The Da Vinci Code but are too ashamed to admit it? In both cases you probably enjoyed Audrey Tautou‘s performance. So if you care to get her autograph, you should know that she’s loose in San Telmo right now, according to every media outlet in the country. Yeah, that’s right. This is news, for some reason.

• Your dream has come true: Facebook Buenos Aires is now hiring! Too bad your resume is a million light years away from the kind of resume they’re looking for. Oh well. Pizza Hut and KFC are about to open in BA too and they will probably be looking for some “driven, outgoing individuals interested in workin in a fun, exciting environment.” Just saying.

• Mother Nature must have been pissed this week, because she’s been coming down hard on us humans. A freak storm was unleashed over Córdoba city, catching everyone by surprise. Two people were killed, more than a dozen were injured and hundreds had to be evacuated.

• But the worst came on Wednesday when whatever Greek god is up there got pissed and decided it was time to
  

  The Constitución Train Station. I'm sure you're all going "Why, it looks just like New York's Central Station!" but trust me, it's nothing like that. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  teach us all a lesson, so he opened the floodgates of hell over Buenos Aires, effectively flooding the whole city within seconds. And when I say “flood” I mean it. It was like that movie “The Day After Tomorrow,” only with more realistic special effects and better acting. If you had been waiting for the subway, this is what you would have run into. If you had been riding the bus, this is what you would have run into. And look! A geyser in the middle of the city! God bless Climate Change.

• Are you one of the million people who listened to my advice last week and stood in line for five hours under the sun/rain in order to get your SUBE card before the February 10 deadline? Well, like I’ve said a thousand times before, you should never listen to me. Because this week the Government set up a web site where people can order it online and get it in the comfort of their homes. No waiting. Sorry!

• And this is why you should never go to a nightclub in Constitución.

• Yeah, I know I just said you should never listen to me, but trust me on this one.

• Oh, and speaking of neighborhoods: Recoleta, Palermo and Nuñez are now the most expensive areas to rent in the City. If you live there (most of you do), congratulations! You’re now living like a rich person despite your average income.

• Rive Plate played against Boca Juniors again in the “second part” of that fake Superclásico that the AFA pulled out of its ass in order to make more money. River Plate lost again. The AFA won again. You lost again.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday again!

And since most of you are still partying around the world and don’t really care about what happens here, there’s no point in me making some snarky (yet extremely profound) remark about the current state of the country. You’re just not gonna read it.

You know how demoralizing it was for me to write the last two columns knowing that you didn’t even care to check them out? You bastards!

This is what you are not going to read, but I offer you nonetheless just for the sake of martyrdom:

• 

  Lionel Messi made the cover of Time magazine this week. But don't get your hopes up. So did Hitler. (Photo courtesy of Time Magazine).

  She’s back, and she’s more pissed than ever! That’s right people, everyone’s favourite President resumed her activities last Wednesday in a ceremony in Casa Rosada after a 20-day leave of absence that she spent recovering from non-cancer. So here’s her hilarious 45 minutes comeback speech, in case you want to watch it.

• Haha! Who are we kidding, you’re not gonna watch it! And I’m so sure that you were not gonna watch it that I actually linked that to some cat blooper videos. Go on, click on it! See? Anyway, here’s the actual speech for that one freak reader who will actually sit through it. The rest of you, first watch the cat video and then check out some highlights of her speech below:

1. The President announced that for the first time in like, ever (or the last 20 years), unemployment levels fell to 6.7%
2. She praised the authorities of the Austral Hospital and thanked them for not murdering her. Which could have totally happened since it’s run by the ultra-Catholic Opus Dei, an organisation that has condemned her to Hell since she decided to support marriage equality.
3. She suggested that her “Hey! Guess what! You didn’t have cancer after all!” diagnosis was actually a miracle. No, really, she did.
4. She replied to British Primer Minister David Cameron‘s statements about Argentina being a colonialist country and said that “when someone resorts to saying that is because they have neither reason nor argument,” and once again urged the UK to discuss the sovereignty of the Malvinas/Falklands. Yeah, because we never heard that one before.
5. She criticized foreign oil companies for a lack of investment and overpricing, which I don’t really care about because I don’t own a car.
6. She criticized environmental NGOs, saying that they are not defending the Malvinas’ natural resources enough and are letting the UK drill for oil around them. (Greenpeace didn’t like this and replied fast.)
7. She showed her throat scar on purpose so the next day “Clarín wouldn’t say that her operation was a sham.”
8. Isn’t that the most unflattering photo of her you’ve ever seen? ‘Cause I think it is.
9. That’s it, no more bullet points. Come on, scroll down.

• Remember last week when I said that “the fan” from the wonderfully vomit-inducing “Soñando por Bailar 2” was this close from snapping and going on a killing spree on his fellow contestants? Well, here’s some more evidence that I’m right, since he chose to dress like an old lady and do an alleged “comedy bit.” Sounds eerily similar to a certain horror classic, does it? No, you idiots, I’m not talking about this, I’m talking about this! Seriously, that guy is two seconds away from going postal. Should you watch the video? Probably not. It’s certainly not funny, it’s in Spanish and you won’t even get the gist of it. In fact, I don’t even know why I’m still talking about it. Looking at that guy in drag is just sad, really. Don’t bother.

• The media (that’s us) insist on making the public (that’s you) believe that Berenice Bejo, an Argentine-born (but totally French) actress nominated for an Academy Award in the Best Supporting Actress category for her role on “The Artist” is as Argentine as dulce de leche. However, let’s get our facts straight. First of all: she’s not. Second of all: actually that’s pretty much it. Stop trying to make it seem as if Argentina deserves any credit for her. Maybe for her hotness, but that’s it.

• The entire Argentine population celebrated that the king of all things football Lionel Messi made it to the cover of Time Magazine this week. Too bad they failed to notice the text under the headline, “Why won’t his countrymen love him?” Ironic, isn’t it? This guy leaves his life in the football field, visits Argentina all the time, kisses the Argentine flag passionately and they still hate him. But some French chick we never heard of is up for an Oscar and she’s instantly up there with Evita. Oh, Argentina. You attention whore.

• Eons ago, there was a mesmerizing sporting event that used to drive thousands of Argentines and visitors into a football trance. This yearly happening used to go by the name of “Superclasico,” a clash between the forces of good and evil (depending on who you followed) that mutated into an orgasmic, collective experience, leaving attendees agitated for hours after the encounter. But, alas, then River Plate got relegated to the National B last year and it all went to shit. So now you’ve got both clubs setting up a “friendly superclasico,” which means “we’re doing it because we want to milk more money out of this stupidity” and it doesn’t matter who wins or loses because it’s “just for the thrill of the game,” right? Wrong! When I play Super Mario Bros. I don’t do it because I like to stomp on evil mushrooms. I do it because I want to rescue Princess Peach! IT’S ALL ABOUT PRINCESS PEACH!

• Oh and Boca Juniors beat River Plate 2-0. Tough shit.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday ag-!

Ugh.

Fuck it, it’s hot.

This is what you need to know.

• 

  I chose this photo just to piss people off. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This thing with the Malvinas/Falklands has really become the stupidest bilateral dispute in years, now seemingly spinning out of control. And the worst part is that it’s not even Argentina’s fault this time, since it’s David Cameron who’s behaving like a 5-year old, warning of attacks, invasions and the imminent danger of a new war with Argentina. Uhm. Mr. Cameron, sir? You know how the Argentine Government insists on “engaging in talks” and nothing else? That’s not just because they’re polite. It’s because there is no military force in this country. None. Zero. In fact, “military” is almost a bad word here after the historical disaster and deep wound that the last military dictatorship inflicted on this country more than 30 years ago. So please stop sending nuclear submarines and making empty threats. Nobody cares.

• Also, accusing a Latin American country of “colonialism”? Dumb move, sir. At best all you can say is that it’s being a pain in the ass.

• Did you now there’s a local football club called “Nueva Chicago“? Well, I didn’t. Anyway, apparently this club has some hardcore hooligans who clashed with some other hardcore hooligans from God knows where, leaving one of the Nueva Chicago followers dead. Problem was that, when the victim’s friends heard that the alleged murderer had also been hurt and was being treated at the nearby Santojanni Hospital, they decided it was payback time and attacked the hospital en masse, terrorizing doctors, patients and personnel. They also trashed the place (here’s the footage), because that’s the macho thing to do to prove you’re badass, right? Do us all a favor and go back to watching your stupid game, you uncivilized idiots.

• Remember that cute little train that Cristina and Uruguayan president Jose Mujica inaugurated a few months ago? Remember how everyone was all “Yay, togetherness!” because it united both nations and then it started having logistical problems and was always late and stuff, but the Government said it was just a technical “contretemps” and again everyone was all “Yay, togetherness!”? Well now it’s derailed. To hell with togetherness.

• The Government has finally gone “Fuck this shit!” over idiots who ride the bus or the subway with their cell phones on boombox mode and refuse to give up their seats to pregnant woman. So they have begun an aggressive (and a little tongue-in-cheek) Facebook campaign against them. All you have to do is click share on the many images available at the SUBE card Facebook page and voila. Come on, do it. You know you want to do it. It makes you feel like you belong, no? No? Fuck you then.

• You know how you were really upset about missing David Guetta in Mar
  

  I'd say David Guetta's show was pretty for-Guetta-ble, right? Right?! Oh please, like you would have come up with a better joke. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  del Plata this week? Well, you should be happy you avoided this. Suddenly listening to “Without You” in the safety of your apartment doesn’t sound so bad does it…

• I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news first: experimental gaucho western Aballay, which includes some memorable performances as good as those seen in an elementary school play, has understandably been rejected as a serious contender in the Oscars’ Foreign Film category. Which is good. I mean, have you seen that trailer? Dear God. Find me an Argentine who talks like that, I’ll give you a lollipop.

• Now onto the good news: Aballay may have been rejected, but the Argentine spirit lives on in “Superclasico,” a Danish film revolving around - you guessed it - a guy who comes to Buenos Aires to witness that vibrant sporting event that I don’t give a shit about. “Superclásico” is apparently a strong contender for the Oscars. And it’s got everything that makes Argentina grand: tango, football, taxis, men yelling like angry Italians and of course, armed robberies. How delightfully mischievous!

• There’s nationwide outrage and the social networks are on fire today after Pagina 12‘s cartoonist Gustavo Sala had the brilliant idea of making fun of the Holocaust and drew Jewish prisoners paling around with Hitler and dancing to the beat of “David Guetto.” There’s even a part in which Hitler says that it’s good to see them dancing because “soap feels a lot better afterwards.” So now Sala has apologized saying he was just trying to poke fun of “Jewish stereotypes” (uh?), but people are still claiming for his head on a pike. See? And you were complaining about my “for-Guetta-ble” joke.

• The ratings of our non-favorite reality show Soñando por Bailar 2 (Dancing for a Dream 2) continue to rise as producers keep exploiting the misadventures of dangerously-insane contestant Mariano de la Canal, a chubby fiend who rose to ephemeral fame after his unhealthy obsession for current housewife and former blowjob queen (no joke) Wanda Nara was televised before millions of people. Just like that he went from creepy celebrity stalker to cute ugly-guy-in-love, and since he is a clearly disturbed individual, the powers that be found the perfect place for him: a reality show, of course! So now you have a mentally unstable - and potential serial killer- contestant running around an isolated farm that barely gets any cell phone reception and is filled with hot girls giggling in their bikinis. Sounds more like Friday the 13th, doesn’t it. Well, when he finally grabs a machete and a hockey mask and starts offing people, I’ll let you know. For now, here’s a video of him allegedly fainting on live television after one of his many freakouts.

• Meanwhile, and even though many are wondering why it’s still on the air, Big Brother may have caught a break after this week (finally!) two people had sex. It was simple: two of the contestants who became romantically involved in the game asked the production team for a night “alone” (heh) in the small house located right next to the main house. The network, desperate for anything controversial that may help their decadent ratings reach a double digit number, said “yes please, fuck like it’s the end of the world.” And boy, they did! Wait for the 3:17 mark to go “Holy shit! They showed that on television?!” Yes. Yes they did.

• Hey! Stop being such a dramatic prude. These are two people in heat engaged in a beautiful act of love. At least the show isn’t like its Brazilian perverted cousin, Big Brother Brazil, where last week they removed one of the contestants from the house after accusations surfaced that he had raped a fellow housemate. See what I mean? It’s all about perspective.

• Some guy from Real Madrid I never heard of (he apparently goes by the ridiculous name “Pepe”), decided it would be a neat idea to stomp on the hand of sport’s wunderkind Lionel Messi. For those in the Maradonian Church, this offense is the football equivalent of drawing a cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad and then spiting on it. “Pepe” is gonna be stoned to death, is what I’m trying to say.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday again!

And you’re still on vacation mode, so you don’t care much about anything, do you.

You’re like “January is a slow month, man” and stuff. Chances are you’re not even reading this, so I don’t know why I even bother.

Anyway, to the two weirdos that will be checking this for who knows what obscure reasons, this is what you need to know.

Freaks.

• 

  Thyroid cancer. Not to be confused with non-thyroid cancer. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Great news Kirchnerites and other people! After undergoing thyroid surgery and having all regional leaders worried about her well being, it turns out that President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner never had cancer! Yay! Her initial diagnosis was what apparently doctors call “a false positive” (which is bullshit for “covering our asses for malpractice”), and she was told she had cancer even though she didn’t. Oh no, it’s totally common. Happens to like 2% of the population, even though according to local hospitals (and Fox News-esque newspaper Clarín) it has never happened to anyone in the history of humanity. So was this all a ruse to help the President score some sympathy points by politically exploiting a disease? Maybe. I don’t care.

• Oh, but I do want to see Venezuelan Entertainer-in-Chief Hugo Chávez swallowing his words.

• Remember the missing mayor from Río Negro? Well, it turns out the Chupacabra wasn’t the culprit after all, which I must admit is kind of a let down. He’s fine! He just had a major freak out and panicked! Oh, please don’t judge. I’d like to see you handling the pressure that comes with being the mayor of Catriel (Population: 5).

• Good news: while your home country is entering the Third World club, Latin America’s employment levels are growing steadily. Granted, the pay is shit, but at least after saving money for a couple of years you can buy an iPad.

• Bad news: Sorry, no. You can’t.

• City Mayor Mauricio Macri is involved in yet another scandal, this time after an NGO accused his campaign of receiving money from a donor who happens to be a pimp and is involved in human trafficking. Look, he even has a photo with the guy, who looks like a fat, unkempt version of this villain from the Harry Potter movies who totally looks like a pimp.

• If you’re planning on going downtown and taking a stroll down Florida street, make sure you notice the full-blown war going on there between store owners and the street peddlers who are now pissed off that the police banned them from placing their mats and selling their crap on the street. Now, I understand tourists may buy their bracelets and hand-made mates. But the crazy tomato? The orgasmatron? Really?

• The mayor of the capital of Corrientes (another one of those provinces you probably never visited and probably never will) is facing a shitstorm right now after news broke that, as a “tourist activity”, City Hall had sponsored a contest in which guys voted for the hottest piece of ass out there. “La cola del verano,” loosely translated as “the butt of the summer,” had to be canceled after protesters (and the media) said it was demeaning to women. Fortunately we still have the same contests in Pinamar and Mar del Plata everyday, which are sponsored by corporations, not the Government, so the media and population are OK with them.

• Did you enjoy riding the Subte for free this week? If not, today is your last
  

  I will bet you a million dollars that you've never been to the E Line's Jose Moreno station. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  day! Hurry up! Ever wanted to ride all the way until the end of the E Line to see if there’s actually people living there or if it’s just jungle? This is your chance! Go nuts!

• Sad stuff, really.

It’s Friday again!

And are you- agh, what’s the point? You’re either in Pinamar, Punta del Este, your home country or some other boring place and you don’t give a shit about any of the things I have to say.

“I’m on vacation so I don’t need to keep up with what’s going on!” you are probably saying.

Well, fuck you.

And you better not complain later about not understanding current events. I did all I could, and yet you chose to abandon me.

This is what you needed to know, but completely ignored:

• 

  Say goodbye to the Subte kids! It's for rich spoiled students and hipsters now. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner had thyroid surgery two days ago in order to have a cancerous tumor removed. Despite the media circus involving Government officials standing on stage and solemnly announcing that “everything is ok” every 24 hours while idiots cheer in the back, let me just say that the surgery went fine and she’ll be back on her feet in no time. In the meantime Vice-President Amado Boudou is acting president so no monkey business.

• Man, does Río Negro have a PR problem right now! You know, Río Negro? That province you probably never cared about even though it contains extremely popular tourist destinations like Bariloche and the Cerro Catedral and the Las Leñas ski resorts. The recently jinxed province, which had somehow managed to stay off the scandal radar has had four shocking, major seemingly unrelated incidents that have the entire Argentine population wondering what the fuck is going on in there:

• On January 1st, a few hours after celebrating the arrival of the new year, news outlets broke the shocking news that the governor of the province, recently-elected Carlos Soria, had been shot in the face and killed by his wife in their bedroom during a confusing “domestic accident.” Details are still sketchy about the nature of the fight and all we know is that the wife is the only suspect in the murder and is currently under suicide watch. This is the third death of a high-ranking Government official in the last two weeks under strange circumstances, and something is starting to smell bad.

• Two hours after the strange murder, the mayor of Catriel, a town also located in Río Negro, went missing. Vanished into thin air. Poof! He was nowhere to be found, and even though authorities combed the area for two days, the guy just wouldn’t show up. Even more unsettling was a mysterious text message he sent his wife a few hours after disappearing that read “estoy” (“I am”). So everyone was going crazy, saying that it was the Rapture, the end of times, that people had begun disappearing (just like the Bible says will happen), and others were saying he was probably “just hiking the Appalachian trail.” But the excitement about the imminent arrival of the End of Times soon evaporated when the mayor was found alive and kicking in Santa Cruz, of all places. What he was doing and why he disappeared is mysteriously being kept under wraps. Not that we care, anyway.

• Río Negro, not content with being a total attention whore by now, also decided it would be a great idea to scare tourists even more by abducting a 49-year old German guy who was travelling in the Laguna Azul area. The man, who remained missing until yesterday, was found “exhausted but in good state.” Apparently the guy had just wandered off and got lost. Which is great news, since I totally suspected aliens.

• And of course, let’s not forget the ordeal that this Australian girl went through also in Río Negro last week, when authorities first announced she had been raped, but later upgraded her status to un-raped. I’m telling you, either that place is cursed or this is the worst case of guerrilla marketing in like, ever.

• Remember when a few weeks ago the taxi rates went up and I told you to start taking the subway? Well scratch that! It seems it’s gonna have to be the bus. Starting today, the subway fare costs $2.50 pesos, a 127% increase from the $1.10 pesos that it used to cost. In short, the National Government has transferred the management of the Subte services to the City, and the City doesn’t have enough money to continue subsidizing it, so it has to basically doubled its price. Time to dust off that bike of yours! It’s gonna be a loooooong summer, I tell ya.

• In other news: it’s official, we’re in Hell.
  

  The streets of Buenos Aires currently feel like you're being submerged in a bowl of boiling hot water while funny-looking devils poke you in the face with a spear. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• You know how you, since you come from the first world where everything is done by robots, money no longer exists and everyone is happy, are always judging the Argentine society in silence but with airs of superiority and going *tsk tsk* with your head whenever you see something that is culturally different? Well this time you may have a point, especially if you were going “*tsk tsk*” at the idiots who like to ride on the roof of (or with half of their bodies hanging from) the train. Eight people ended up getting seriously injured after falling from a moving train in Palermo on Wednesday. One of them lost his leg. Tragic, but it was bound to happen.

• My colleagues from the media, otherwise know as “vultures”, were soon to arrive at the scene of the accident, and while interviewing a passenger who was riding that train, the entire country was able to witness on live television the absolute and unashamed lack of first-aid skills and interest in the community of the local police. Please watch this video after reading this because it’s either funny or sad, depending on how mean of a person you are. Not only the person being interviewed faints and falls into the asphalt like a sack of potatoes, but the media and the police just stand there, looking at her, going “Hmm. She would appear to have fainted…”. As seconds go by and no one comes to assist her, the news anchors begin to yell at the correspondent, urging her to tell the police to help the sick woman. “At least check her pulse, for Christ’s sake!” Their response? Sticking a lollipop in her mouth. But since she’s probably already dead, they leave it on her chest. The lollipop falls on the asphalt and gets all kinds of bacteria from all the dog shit, cigarette butts and spit covering the city streets but they go “still good man!” and place it on her chest again so she has something to suck on when she wakes up, even though she may catch some horrible bacterial infection and die in three days. “Who’s the asshole that left a lollipop over her chest?!” one of the news anchors says. Buenos Aires’ finest indeed.

• Supreme ruler of the world’s privacy and connoisseur of all of our dirty secrets Mark Zuckerberg decided to take some time off from playing with “The Facebook” and fly to Punta del Este to spend a few days yelling at strangers from his bedroom window. And since Argentines consider Punta to be practically theirs (even though it’s in Uruguay) they’re all “did you now Mark (they call him “Mark”) chose Punta to rest? That’s so cool and stuff!” It is, until you learn that on top of spying on your profile preferences, he’s also a demanding little bitch.

• Great news, everyone! Now that foreign corporations have realized that Argentina is profitable again, these kind-hearted people (after all, they are people, according to the US Supreme Court) have decided to make the sacrifice of returning to the country more than a decade after getting away from the sinking ship before it went completely under water. So, now that the crisis is gone and everyone they fired back in the 90′s is probably dead, they are coming back with a vengeance. We’re still waiting for Pizza Hut to open so we can get some of that cheese-injected crust (Yum! That doesn’t look disgusting at all!), but in the meantime, Wendy’s just opened its doors in Belgrano! So let’s all go clog our arteries with their cholesterol-y and fucking delicious cheeseburgers. Because we only live once. Except for James Bond. He lives twice, apparently.

• And let’s not forget KFC is also landing in Buenos Aires this year! Can’t wait for this baby to go down into my stomach. Hmmmm! Instant pleasure. And death.

• Oh, and now this is happening in Argentina. I’m telling you, it’s either the Rapture of those fucking Mayans have been right all along. I know you don’t believe me now, but when the fabric of the universe begins tearing itself up, creating a quantum paradox in the space-time continuum that causes it to regurgitate itself into a big puddle of protoplasmic goo, I’m sure you’ll go “you know what? I think Adrian was right.” Word!

• But not all is grim in Argieland, since it seems Big Brother is doing really, really, really bad in the ratings and the Telefe network is now desperate. It’s so fucking bad that the host, television superstar Jorge Rial, has quit after three seasons of doing the superb job of beating that dead horse to a pulp. And in the middle of the season! So now producers have been left scrambling to find a suitable face that has the power of magically attracting Argentine viewers who seem to have finally come to their senses and stopped watching this vomited hairball of a show. Don’t worry, I’m sure all the contestants will have no trouble finding a new job that suits them. Like cashiers at Wal-Mart or extras in some brazilian porn movie. Best of luck to all of you!

• And since 2012 is poised on being a tragic year, the Dakar Rally has also taken its toll. So far there’s been one racer killed, a father and son who were following the race from the air also died after their plane crashed, a racer was found in a coma and the idiot who sold his only apartment to enter the race lost in like three days after a truck run over his bike. So he’s now homeless and still a loser.