It’s Friday again!

And it’s New Year’s Eve tomorrow!

Have you already made a reservation in some overrated Palermo Soho restaurant that charges 500 dollars for some crappy NYE dinner because they know that the people making the reservations are all gonna be foreigners?

Or maybe you’ve decided to spend the night with your other lonely expats friends in order to create a de facto support group that will keep you from admitting to yourself that you would have otherwise spent the countdown to midnight by yourself, in your underwear and using a spoon to eat straight from a can of peas.

Or perhaps you took the easy (ie: coward) way out and used all of your savings to fly back to [insert here name of whatever country your parents are living in] in order to avoid acknowledging the sad fact that we’re all alone in this world.

Whatever the case may be, it’s gonna be nothing like Hollywood’s latest brain fart rom-com “New Year’s Eve.”

Which is good, because that movie sucks.

Jon Bon Jovi? Sarah Jessica Parker? Really, Hollywood? It’s like you’re not even trying anymore.

Why not throw in some of the guys from Twilight, just to make it more horrible?

No? OK.

This is what you need to know:

No, wait! There was no Weekly News Roundup last week, so here’s everything that I should have written about last week but was too lazy to do so:

• 

  Stupid, boring Buenos Aires has no place where people get together for a countdown/ to watch fireworks so here's a photo of New Year's Eve in Paris to make you feel miserable. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Last December 20th. marked the tenth anniversary of the worst financial crisis in Argentina’s history. Hard to believe that the country looked like this only ten years ago, but it did. A lot of people died, and the nation spiraled into a bottomless pit of despair (and yes, I know some of you don’t give a shit about this “stuff” because it took place before you came here, but please, do me a favor and FUCKING READ ABOUT IT. At least watch that video I just linked the word “this” to. Please?). Anyway, the reason for this whole post is that several social organizations decided to stage a protest or something against the anniversary. How is that supposed to make sense, I have no idea. But they did. And they thought burning down the big ass Christmas tree on the Plaza de Mayo would make a huge statement. And it did. Everyone pretty much thought they were assholes. So here, look at this video of the burning tree. It’s sad, really. It’s almost as if you could hear the spirit of Christmas shrieking in horror as it is engulfed by flames and covered in cheap, melting plastic.

• Inflation is taking it’s toll, and it ain’t pretty.

• Five trillion people tuned in for the finale of Dancing With The Stars last week. So as you can see in this video it was all excitement as the two final couples, and the rest of the planet, were chewing off their nails a few seconds before the final result was announced. Only problem was some stupid intern (who I’m sure has been shipped off to Guantanamo by now) was managing the network’s official Twitter account and accidentally tweeted the identity of the winner five minutes before it was revealed on live television. Oops!

• This fuckery is still going on. Difference now is that even The Guardian is on Argentina’s side.

• Congress finally passed a controversial Anti-terrorist Law that has everyone up in arms, specially because it was drafted by the President’s party, who is supposed to be all for human rights and freedom of speech. The new law states that social unrest (such as a protest) can be considered “terrorism.” Can you imagine? Considering there’s like 50 protests every day here, by 2013 half of the Argentine population will be sharing a cell in Guantanamo with the intern from Dancing With The Stars.

• So… this is kind of an awkward story, but what the hell. Sub-secretary of Foreign Trade and President Fernández de Kirchner’s golden boy Ivan Heyn flew with her to Montevideo last week to attend a Mercosur summit. When he failed to attend a meeting, his peers went to his hotel room and found him dead, naked with his belt around his neck. And even though everything suggested suicide, forensic investigators ruled that the cased was “an accidental death.” It appears Heyn was into auto-erotic asphyxiation and he couldn’t regain consciousness after passing out.

• See? How many times have I told you kids? If you’re into that kinky shit make sure there’s an adult in the room! Otherwise you end up like David Carradine. And no, I don’t mean a washed-up TV star. I mean dead.

• Yes, even I found that to be in poor taste. I apologize.

• First, the bad news: President Fernández de Kirchner has been diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She will undergo surgery on January 4th and will take a leave of absence until January 24th, when she resumes her activities. She is expected to make a full recovery since the tumor was found during an early stage.

• Worse news: for twenty days, this guy is going to be President.

• Worst news: We all knew it was coming, so no surprise there. Full-time president of Venezuela and part-time scary clown Hugo Chávez said it was “very strange” that many Latin American leaders had all been recently diagnosed with cancer and suggested that maybe the US had developed some technology to induce cancer on others. Yes. Really. He said that. Here, check it out.

• Remember that really, really bad movie “Snakes on a plane“? If you do
  

  Don't ask me how, but apparently this horrible six-year old movie is based on something that happened in Argentina three weeks ago. True story! (Photo/Wikipedia)

  you should be ashamed of yourself. Because no one in the history of the world should ever remember that movie, let alone buy it. But you know what’s even worse than remembering that movie? Trying to actually imitate it. It’s hard to think that such a piece of shitty film making should come with a “do not try this at home” warning, but it looks like 51-year old Karel Avelovsky could have used the advise since he was caught at the Ezeiza airport trying to board a plane while carrying a suitcase with over 250 live snakes and insects inside. The global media, of course, tried to be original despite the fact that it’s not, and every major newspaper in the world ran with the “snakes on a plane!” headline. Shut up, global media.

• To continue with the theme of “suspicious deaths of government officials in nearby countries,” a recently appointed Argentine consul in Bolivia was also found dead in the small border town of Yacuiba. Although preliminary forensic reports indicated that he had decided to hang himself, it was later revealed that this could be some sort of message from the Bolivian organized crime. I guess it’s a bad time to be a Government official, no? Not that you care about any of this.

• And since we’re talking about people unwittingly killing themselves, here’s this guy who on Christmas Eve had the brilliant idea of putting some fireworks in his mouth. He died, in case I wasn’t clear. Jesus, what is wrong with you people!? If you wanna fuck around with fireworks just stick them up your ass, like normal stupid people do!

• Great news people! The City Government has launched an online map of the city that provides real-time information on roadblocks and social protests. Even greater news is most of us don’t even own a car in the first place so we don’t need it. Yay, us!

• You may have noticed there wasn’t anything on the twin turds from hell, Big Brother and Soñando por Bailar 2. Which is great, because it means no one gives a shit.

And to all of you expats who decided to leave the comfort of your home country and move to such a fascinating place like Argentina, no matter whether it’s temporary or definitely, let me tell you that you have my fucking respect.

Not many people have the courage to do what you do, and you should be proud of yourselves for deciding to move to a country you love to hate and hate to love.

So raise your glass to that, bitches.

Have a great 2012 everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And don’t get too excited. I’m on vacation kids!

Me. No, really! Those are actually my feet! So yeah. Fuck you, Wikipedia.

So like I said last week, no Weekly News Roundup today.

I know I said I wouldn’t write anything, but who am I kidding, I love the attention.

Don’t worry though, I’m very much in touch with what’s happened this week and you’ll be able to read all about it next week, when you’ll learn about (spoilers ahead):

• The assholes who literally lit up the Christmas Tree.

• The mysterious death/suicide of a high-ranking economic advisor, and the rumors surrounding it.

• Lionel Messi’s failed roadtrip.

• Big Brother’s bleak future.

• The finale of Dancing With The Stars and a producer’s faux pas that pretty much ruined the ending for the entire country.

• The passing of several controversial bills, such as the anti-terrorist bill and the newsprint bill, that make you think this country is close to becoming Venezuela, but trust me, it’s not.

• The coming war with England over some piece of shit land.

So come back next Friday for some juicy news that will be totally old and irrelevant by the time you read them. But I’m sure that as you read them, you’ll go: “Wait… that really happened?”

Have a great Christmas/Hanukkah/Christmukkah/Festivus!

Oh, and no hate mail or Christmas e-cards. They’re all going straight to junk mail.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And I’m going away for the holidays so I have to pack and stuff. I’m pressed for time, is what I’m trying to say. I’m also trying to say that there’s not gonna be a Weekly News Roundup next Friday because I’ll be lying on a beach somewhere.

Shut up! I’m a normal person with feelings and if you get to go away for the holidays I get to go away too!

This is what you need to know, read it and leave me alone:

• 

  Happier times: President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner and Hugo Moyano back when they were friends. Also back when her face looked suspiciously different. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  First, the obvious: President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was sworn-in last Saturday, and boy, was she in a bitchy mood at first (in her defense, she was missing her husband, so I guess she had every right to be sad). Now, you have the choice to watch the You Tube version of the inauguration which is six hours long (that’s like watching Titanic two times or Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix three times! How crazy is that, huh?) or you can read the shortened version here, which will probably focus on all the irrelevant shit that took place instead of the important parts of her speech, like when she blasted corporations and media conglomerates while she vowed to continue to focus on social issues and domestic industry in order to keep the local economy growing.

• See what I just did there? I just fed you information and you didn’t even notice it. Now you know what the major talking points of her speech were, and that makes you a smarter person. Your welcome.

• Now on to the “irrelevant shit” part!

• Of course, her nemesis Vice-President Julio Cobos was there (as the Constitution demands) and everyone was like “awkwaaaaard…!” but fortunately she didn’t slap him or anything. She just shook his hand without even looking at him, and then when it was time for her to be awarded the presidential sash, it was her daughter Lady Gaga Florencia Kirchner who gave it to her, instead of the outgoing Vice-President (as protocol dictates), who was just standing behind her, applauding and going like “God, kill me now.” By the way, isn’t her daughter kinda hot? I think she’s kinda hot.

• While the President was addressing Congress, a loud alarm went off in the Lower House floor and she was forced to interrupt the speech. Since Chilean president Sebastián Piñera was present (and we all know he’s bad luck) everyone probably went “Shit! Tsunami or Earthquake or World War III! Run!” Cristina, confused at first, suddenly realized that the man sitting right next to her, the new head of the Lower House Julián Dominguez, had casually leaned on his desk and unwittingly activated the House’s buzzer, used to let lawmakers know that they must take their seats. “Cobos never did this to me!” she said while laughing, although I’m sure she was thinking of later having him assassinated.

• Did you think it was only the US and the UK that use terrorism as an excuse to anything? Haha, silly you! Welcome to Argentina. This anti-terrorism bill that is about to be passed in Congress says that anyone (business leaders) responsible for creating panic in the banking or financial sectors can be arrested for being considered a terrorist. Don’t worry though, the bill also says that al-Qaeda is bad, so I guess it evens it out.

• Union boss Hugo Moyano (probably the most powerful man in the country) has had it with the President. Because how dare she refuse to do what he says! (No, really) So he staged a rally before 80,000 people yesterday to warn that he was not going to back down from his claims and assured that “the only Peronist government that ever existed was that of Juan Perón.” I know you probably have no idea what I’m talking about, but A) It’s your fault. You should read more about local history, and B) Trust me, it’s not good. This is a guy all governments have to be friends with unless they want massive strikes and nationwide revolts. You know, like in any democracy.

• Great news everyone! The Lower House has passed the controversial Newprint Bill and has now sent it to a Senate committee, which will evaluate it whether it should be sent to the Senate floor for debate. If passed, it will grant the Government with almost absolute control over newsprint production. Many are saying that this may actually affect freedom of speech, since the Government will have the power to decide if a newspaper is “worthy” of being a client, but it’s mostly a slap in the face to giant newspapers Clarin and La Nacion (both anti-Kirchnerite), which until now hold a majority of shares in Papel Prensa, a newsprint company that currently owns a 75% of the market. At least it’s a good move for the President who I feel is in desperate need of a successful move after the Blackberry, 3-D screens and “books made-in-Argentina” fiascos. We all know that people still buy newspapers and - OH, COME ON!!!

• Uruguay may be a small country that you only care about because of Colonia and Punta del Este even though you initially thought those places were in Argentina, but that doesn’t mean you can mess with the little guy! This week Uruguayan president José Mujica announced that no more British ships headed to the Malvinas/Falklands would be allowed to dock in the country unless they had a special permit. So now the Brits and the Uruguayan opposition are up in arms because of this. And guess what? Me too. I’m sick of this. Come on Brits, just give them back. Please? Agh.

• In case all the holidays we’ve had this year were not enough, the
  

  Juan Perón, the only true democratic president in the history of the universe. He also liked the Nazis. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Government has announced FOUR MORE FUCKING HOLIDAYS. That’s right, FOUR! December 23rd., 26th., and 30th. as well as January 2nd. are now holidays for the public and banking sector. So two more long weekends! Too bad the stupid, alienating private sector said “Nein!” to joining the move. Those capitalist pigs…

• People continue to be gay for Néstor Kirchner, Part 2: Marathon man runs while holding pro-Kirchner placard.

• Woman meets older guy. Woman dates older guy. Older guy eventually rapes woman. Woman presses charges against older guy. Police arrest older guy. Older guy is sent to jail. Woman has a change of heart, decides to forgive older guy. Woman begs judge to drop charges against older guy. Court rules in favor. Older guy is released. Woman marries older guy. A week later, older guy murders woman by stabbing her 15 times in the chest and beheading her in front of her 3-year old son. Court goes “Oh-oh.”

• Apple’s iTunes service finally launched in Latin America. Guess what: no one gives a shit. Eight years too late man! While you were losing time figuring stuff out, people here were getting impatient and in the end didn’t feel like waiting anymore so they chose piracy. Not that I’m condoning it or anything. “Don’t sue me”, is what I’m trying to say here.

• You know how in those hot summer days you go into the subte on rush hour and you get to ride like cattle and there’s no oxygen and you lift your head above the crowd in order to grasp for air and some tall guy ruins it for you because he’s breathing down on your face while some big sweaty guy’s armpit is next to your nose and you’re like “Geez…this place is on fire!” Yeah, well, this time it was. Literally!

• Remember how a few weeks ago I told you that if you hop on a bus and for some reason the SUBE-card reader is not working you get to ride for free? Well that’s what this poor 50-year old man tried to do, only that the bus driver decided that instead of letting him ride for free, he deserved to be beaten up. So he called a couple of his driver buddies and kicked his ass because he refused to get off the bus. Let it serve as a cautionary tale to you kids. Never, ever, ever trust anything I say.

• Even though it was Tuesday the 13ththis week (the Latin version of
  

  Jason Voorhees. Not a big deal after all. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Friday the 13th.) it still was a bad week for Jason Voorhees. A mall in Rosario was celebrating the grand opening of some scary ride for children, so a few people were hired to scare a few children to death. They showed up in some lame Freddy Krueger and Jason costumes, and since their outfits were more lame than scary, the guy dressed up as Jason had the brilliant idea of bringing a real chainsaw into the mall (as in “a REAL fucking chainsaw”) to play with the kids. So as you can imagine, some parents were not happy to see some idiot chasing their 5-year olds with a real chainsaw and they decided to beat them up. I will pay a million dollars* for anyone getting any kind of video footage from the incident.

• Also, he totally deserved to have his ass kicked. Everyone knows Jason Voorhees uses a machete to murder his victims. Leatherface, from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, is the one with the chainsaw. Amateurs.

• This week, in the sour-smelling pigsty that is the house of Big Brother: a girl is taught by the rest how to use her mouth to put a condom on a banana. See? And people say this show doesn’t teach children anything. Too bad even children find this crap painfully boring.

• Remember last season’s craptastic “Soñando por Bailar“? That hilariously terrifying reality show that featured contestants/dancers who looked to win a chance to star in the local version of Dancing With The Stars? Well, it’s back! And it’s worse than ever this year. This time they picked some random chubby kid no one ever heard of, and decided it would be fun to have everyone pick on him for no reason. So get ready to see a lot of his crying and fighting. Fifteen minutes of fame, fifteen years of psychiatric help.

• Did you watch the “fighting” video? Seriously, if this is all staged, if this chubby kid is actually an actor and the whole thing is scripted, man is he bad.

• Aaaaaaaand the spiraling-down begins: former football deity and future infidel Diego Armando Maradona has been suspended as the coach of the Al Wasl team in Dubai after he got in a fight with a colleague from another team. He won’t be able to coach for the next three games. God, I can’t wait for him to get a tattoo with the face of the Prophet Mohammed so a fatwa is finally issued on his ass and he’s beheaded in Dubai’s town square deported.

Have a great weekend everyone!

* No, I will not pay a million dollars. Who the fuck do you think I am?

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

Although I’m pretty sure for you it’s Saturday. Or Sunday. Or even Monday!

Because unless you’re one of those hardcore fans who religiously read this every Friday (you know who you are and I love you), you will only be reading this after you’re back from a relaxing 4-day escapade to [insert here name of tourist destination for the middle class that you think is "super fun and laid back" but when Argentines think of it they go: "It's OK, I guess."].

So if by the time you’re reading this column you realize everything here is old news, blame yourselves.

Also, once again I didn’t get to go anywhere so I’m still bitter.

Have fun dealing with traffic this Sunday while trying to make it back to BA, douchebags!

Anyway, this is what you needed to know by Friday but it’s totally pointless to read now:

• 

  If you don't care about politics (you don't), you may want to avoid the Plaza de Mayo on Saturday (Photo/Wikipedia).

  Let’s all raise our glasses to our beloved President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, who begins her second term tomorrow after a swearing-in ceremony in Congress. Popularly know as “Cristina,” she is despised by women and loved by men with twisted masturbatory fantasies (yeah, that’s right. I went there). So here’s to four more years of mocking the rest of the world for as long as the global crisis doesn’t affect any of us! And if that happens, well just go back to blaming the whole thing on the US, Europe, the CIA, the IMF and the lizard people. Because that’s just the way it is.

• Also, the Government announced that all subway and train services in the City would be free of charge tomorrow, so “all citizens can celebrate a new anniversary of democracy” (meaning they can all go to Plaza de Mayo for free to shake their pretty little Argentine flags at the President after she takes office). So why not take a ride for free and go the opposite way? Come on, stick it to the man! Take the Subte and venture yourself into the mysteries of the yellow H Line, which I’m sure you have never even come close to riding. Grab your compass, your knife and dwell into the exotic passages of the Constitución and Once train stations, two neighborhoods filled with excitement and danger for any adventurous foreigner. Or, you can also stay home watching TV because you don’t give a shit. Your choice.

• The new Cabinet was unveiled this week, with only a few changes announced. I could go into explaining who’s who and showing you photos of each of the new ministers, but I know you have got a short attention span and feel that no matter how detailed my explanation, you’re not gonna give a shit and skip this whole part altogether. So let me just say that despite the changes being made, the new staff is very much in line with the one they are replacing, which suggests that the President’s policies will remain on course. See? That wasn’t so hard. You almost didn’t even have to think! And now you can go debate politics and current events with your local friends because “you pretty much get it.”

• By the way, the new Economy Minister is Hernan Lorenzino, a guy whose hair rivals Donald Trump’s and suits rival Willy Wonka’s. This is gonna be fun! (Not as fun as with his predecessor and current Vice-President-elect Amado Boudou, but oh well).

• See what I just did there? I used that photo with Boudou playing guitar in his underwear, like I said I would last week. I’m a menace!

• Also in politics (yes, don’t roll your eyes at me), the newly elected lawmakers were swore-in on the Lower House floor this week in a little too-festive ceremony, if you know what I mean. You don’t. OK. See, the La Campora boys (an ultra-Kirchnerite youth organization with anger management issues that considers itself entitled to yell and intimidate whoever disagrees with them, all in the name of democracy) were there and they made the lives of everyone not affiliated to their party a living hell. And they seemed to have some special animosity towards lawmaker Victoria Donda, a young human rights activist who is known for being the daughter of a “disappeared” woman, and also because of her ginormous boobs. So of course, when she showed up at the ceremony wearing a controversial cocktail dress, the La Campora boys went crazy with lust and chose the yell “trola” (slut) at her when she was being sworn-in. Because nothing says “progress” like yelling misogynist slurs at a big-breasted woman.

• After some extenuating debate this week, the City Legislature managed to pass a bill that deems the manteros illegal. Which means that soon enough you will be able to walk freely all over Florida street without the fear of stepping on someone’s head. Don’t worry though! They are being relocated to some place where no one will be bothered by them. “But how will they sell their stuff?” you say? “Not our problem!” says everyone else.

• Unfortunately the same bill also says that the so-called “trapitos” (or parking thugs who ask for money to “look after” your car when you park it somewhere) will now be regulated and their activity legalized. Which means they will now be able to legally demand money from you. The good news is you probably don’t have a car, so whatevs!

• Starting next Monday, there’s a new $2 peso coin that suspiciously looks like the $1 peso coin. Don’t get them mixed up and shit.

• Time to Ocuppy Salta! Let’s say you’re a teacher at a kindergarten and some parents owe you $150 pesos in school fees but they refuse to pay, maybe because they are poor or some other stupid excuse. The point is that that money is your hard-earned money and no socialist parent is going to take it away from you. So how do you make them pay? By taking it out on their three-year old daughter of course! This is what a teacher in Salta did, after she pinned a debt notice for $150 pesos on the little girl’s clothes and sent her home like that, shaming her in front of her classmates. Fortunately the media (that’s us!) was outraged and the story got so big that the government decided to shut down the school after learning it didn’t have a legal permit to function. Oops!

• This whole thing has become so repetitive I’m not even gonna talk about
  

  Off topic: here's the totally gay portrait of Nestor Kirchner that Hugo Chavez painted last week. It wasn't available at the time I published last Friday's column, but now it is. So here, laugh. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  it. You either go to war or you don’t. Period.

• Man, it sucks to work at the Subte B line. This has got to be the most ridiculous first world pain I ever heard.

• Popular rock singer Celeste Carballo was in the news this week to denounce that someone had broken into her house this week and STOLEN A FREAKING PIANO while she was sleeping. Jesus, what did she take before going to bed, horse tranquilizer? (In her defense, I have to say it was an electric piano and it was in her car, but for comedic value I will take a journalistic license and say it was one of those big heavy Steinway pianos). Also, you think it wouldn’t be possible for something like that to happen in Argentina? I should remind you that it was only a few years ago that one of George W. Bush’s daughters had her purse stolen while she was sipping a cold beer in San Telmo, and there was nothing the Secret Service could do about it because they never noticed anything out of the ordinary.

• Also, believe it or not, her cell phone, which was inside her purse, turned up a few days afterwards for sale on mercadolibre.com. No, it’s not a joke. You gotta love this country.

• This week, in the fresh, steamy load of elephant shit that is Argentina’s version of Big Brother: OK, now you can see that they’re getting desperate. Sex didn’t help. Slutty gay twins didn’t help. And more sex didn’t help! So what do you do when you’re craving for ratings? That’s right, you get a horse! The Simpsons did it. Family Guy did it. Even that crappy new show Two Broke Girls did it! And now Big Brother has a horse walking around and eating plastic pine trees all day. Isn’t that, like, super fun to watch and stuff? Hey, at least it wasn’t like in 2001, when during the first edition of Big Brother Argentina they sent in then-drug-addict Diego Maradona, who first delighted the contestants with one of his stupid football tricks and then casually dropped a bag of coke on the floor so everyone could have fun. Don’t believe me? Check the video and look closely at 1:59! He even says “Don’t rat me out, guys!” when all the other brain dead guinea pigs start celebrating that he sneaked in some drugs. Ahhhh, we lived in simpler times back then.

• Speaking of washed up football players who used to look like Stay-puft, Diego Maradona (you totally saw that one coming, did you) is crying foul in Dubai and assures that the reason why the team he’s coaching still sucks is because “there’s a conspiracy against them.” Right. As usual, it’s the world trying to destroy you, you poor, knowledgeable hard-working man. It’s not the drugs, the alcohol, the endless partying in the 90′s or the fact that you suck at coaching anything. Yeah, no. It’s the referees who are out to get you. Idiot.

• Finally!! After being oppressed by the tyranny of fate for far too long (2008), Boca Juniors fans saw the effort of a lifetime come to fruition when their beloved football team managed to win the Apertura Tournament for like the 20th time or whatever. And there they went, crying and chanting and losing their voices like they hadn’t done in a long time (since 2008). Because it was about time that their team was once again recognized for what it really is: an over payed gang of athletes who predictably win time after time while their followers falsely choose to believe they are in the constant peril of being relegated to the National B, in a sport-industrial complex that hasn’t cared about the actual game for decades and only thinks about raking in millions of dollars while pretending to condemn the actions of hooligans and their mischievous activities. Fuck football.

Hope you had a great weekend, everyone!

Or not.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

How was Mar del Plata last weekend?

Did you just recoil and go “Oh my God, how did he know!”? I’ll tell you how I know: you are the quintessential expat, and that makes you predictable.

Also, I didn’t get to go anywhere, so I’m bitter.

There.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, this is what you need to know:

• 

  It never gets boring when this guy is around. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  While President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was in Venezuela to sign some important bilateral agreements with quirky-but-crazy Hugo Chávez, the Bolivarian president decided to surprise her by announcing the creation of the Nestor Kirchner room inside the Miraflores palace in honor of her late husband. Then he proceeded to unveil two oil portraits of Kirchner hand-painted by him. By then everyone was like “Uhm, ok. Gay, but whatever.” No, seriously, who does that? The only person I can think of is Leonardo Di Caprio in Titanic and we all know how that turned out. And then things just turned completely weird when he began unveiling many other photos of Kirchner that were hanging on the walls. You know those thrillers in which the main girl finally finds the killer’s hideout and discovers hundreds of pictures of his victims glued to the wall before he traps her? This is what it felt like.

• Sparks were flying between President Fernandez de Kirchner and Vice-President-elect Amado Boudou when during a video conference, she thought if would be funny to introduce him as the “concheto (snob) from Puerto Madero.” Boudou, who lives in Puerto Madero and was there to celebrate to creation of a new rotating bridge, seemed amused at first, but then seriously reminded her that “anyone in the country is allowed into the neighborhood.” Man, the sexual tension between these two is so thick you could cut it with a dildo.

• By the way, the new rotating bridge broke today.

• And speaking of Boudou, you know how I’m always using that photo of him raping the mouth of Argentina’s future Second Lady with his tongue and you’re all like “oh, that Adrian using that hilarious photo again!” and shit? Well, not anymore! Because as of now, whenever I need to use a file photo of Argentina’s Vice-President-elect, I’m just gonna go ahead and use this one of him playing guitar drunk in his underwear.

• More people continue to be gay for Néstor Kirchner.

• Argentina continues to move in the right direction, after the Lower House passed the Gender Identity and “Dignified Death” bills. One of them allows transgender and transsexual citizens to officially change their name and sexual identity without requiring a court order. The other allows gives patients more control over which medical treatments they wish to receive or reject after being informed of their situation. It also takes away the responsibility of the professionals who, working within the law, are faced with the patient’s decisions (or as Sarah Palin would call it, “Death Panels”). Both bills are now sent to the Senate, where they are expected to be passed. It’s a great day for equality! And death, maybe.

• The National Government has released a questionnaire that you need to answer if you want to apply for an extension of subsidies on your utility bills. Let me save you the time: you don’t quality. In fact, considering you’re probably here illegally, I would really, really recommend you stay as far away from the Government as possible.

• Man, the City Legislature was on fire last night. Literally! While legislators debated a controversial bill that that will change the system of teacher classification, angry teachers, and for some reason a bunch of extreme leftist protesters, decided to start a series of fires. Not only that, the whole scene looked like one of those epic battles seen in the Lord of the Rings movies (wait until 1:30 to see them). Especially when they tried to ram the doors down. I think some people were hurt, but if you ask me I find the whole thing hilarious.

• Oh and the bill was passed, so… tough shit.

• Speaking of teachers: this week a high school teacher gave her students a memory stick containing the files to a special assignment they needed to work on. Imagine their surprise when they noticed an additional video file that showed - you guessed it - the teacher having her brains fucked out by her boyfriend. Oops! The teacher has been suspended, even though her male students are begging for her to return. Reminded me of this for some reason.

• Hurray! Buenos Aires was voted one of South America’s best cities to live
  

  Here's a photo of Mar del Plata, for some reason. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  in! In the 2011 Quality of Life index Buenos Aires ranked 54th worldwide, which is really shitty if you think about it, but at least we can laugh at Baghdad, right? Also, the safest City in Latin America is Pointe-à-Pitre, a place you’ve never heard and probably never care to visit in your entire life.

• Great news everyone! After millions of Argentine Twitter users suggested boycotting Telefé when they learned that the network had decided to sue Cuevana for copyright infringement, the company decided not to press charges and backed off. Yay, technocracy!

• Terrible news everyone! HBO has decided to press charges against Cuevana for copyright infringement, and you know those guys… there’s no way they are backing off. I mean, have you seen their shows? They don’t give a shit about anything. Ever! So… pretty soon no more “Modern Family” for you.

• The only other show on TV that will make your face melt like that Nazi guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark (Big Brother) is so bad that even this douchebag, who won the previous edition, is criticizing it. Remember him? He’s the woman-beater with a gambling problem that became Argentina’s sweetheart after it became clear he was a dangerous bipolar psychopath. Of course, it’s been like 6 months since he won, so by now he has already grown as a person and rambles about life, ratings and strategy as if he had a Ph. D. in philosophy and human behavior. So listen to him saying how “bad” this Big Brother edition is because “girls were jumping into beds with guys” only four days after the show began. He’s right. Back when he was playing girls lasted at least a week.

• Save the date kids! In order to commemorate the bicentennial of the creation and swearing-in of the Argentine flag, Congress passed a bill that will make Monday, February 27th, 2012 a national holiday! Another long weekend! So in total, 2012 in Argentina will have eighteen public holidays. It’s almost like living on a constant vacation! Suck on that, America! So as my personal favor to you, here’s the full list of public holidays next year, so you can keep going to Mar del Plata (in the summer) or Rosario (in the winter) and still think your life is exotic (it’s not):

• Unmovable holidays:

• January 1: New Year’s Eve (Well, that’s obvious).

• February 20, 21: Carnival (This is a joke. Really? “Carnival” is a holiday? Whatever).
• February 27: What I just told you a couple of lines above.

• March 24: Day of Memory for Truth and Justice (anniversary of Argentina’s 1976 coup d’état. No jokes allowed, unless I wanna be lynched).

• April 2: Veteran’s Day. (Joke here would be in poor taste).

• April 6: Easter.

• April 30: Easter. No wait. What? Is the other one Easter? Well I don’t know then. Something to do with Jesus.

• May 1: Labor Day. Yes, Labor Day. Shut up America! Stupid backwards country.

• May 25: May Revolution Day. Here, I Wiki’d it for you.

• June 20: Belgrano Memorial Day (Flag Day). Yes, I Wiki’d him too.

• July 9: Independence Day. If you said “Wait, that’s the 4th!” I swear to God I’ll punch you in the face.

• December 8: Birthday of the Virgin Mary. “Virgin.” Right. Moving on.

• December 24: Christmas Eve.

• December 25: Christmas.

Depending on the day they fall:

• August 17 to August 20: Jose de San Martín Memorial Day. I dunno, some dude.

• October 8 to October 12: Columbus Day, or “Respect for Cultural Diversity” Day. Whatever works for you.

• November 20 to November 26: National Sovereignty Day. No idea what that means.

So there you have them. Now print that list and stop asking me on Twitter.

• And finally: Yes, Rolling Stone Argentina, you may go ahead and steal the whole “family-friendly porn” concept that I created in this column for that brain-melting TV show called Dancing With The Stars, and totally not credit me for it. Your welcome.

It’s Friday again!

Are you ready to start having sex for money as a side job?

You better be! Unless you wanna go back to your bankrupt country. Argentina is an expensive country now, you see.

This is what you need to know before you get ready to have sex behind a dumpster.

• 

  Only rich people can take these now. This means not you. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Contrary to the US, this is a country in which conservatives are the ones who raise taxes. And boy, are they gonna do it! Last night, the City Government managed to pass a bill that will make the property tax (known as ABL) skyrocket. So chances are that whatever you’re paying for now will see a 66% increase, although in some cases it will go up 300%. So you can start adding this to the price increase you’ll see in your utility bills, now subsidies-free courtesy of the National Government. Hey, don’t look at me, I didn’t vote for any them.

• I know that I’ve mentioned this several times but here we go again: next time you need to get back home after drinking 20 liters of Quilmes, you may have to hitchhike. Starting tomorrow, and for the 11th. time since 2003, taxis are raising their prices. When you get into a cab, it’s gonna be $7.30 from the get go and .73 cents for every 200 meters. And remember, it’s 20% higher from 10 pm to 6 am! I’m assuming by now it’s cheaper for you to move right next to your favorite bar and stay there. Although since it’s probably located in Palermo or Las Cañitas (and the property tax is gonna go through the roof there) chances are you’re fucked either way.

• In order to disguise the fact that apparently no one in the National Government has a fucking clue about how to handle an airline, it was announced this week that Aerolineas Argentinas will stop flying to Europe, the US and Australia and focus on domestic flights. You see, the airline’s head, Mariano Recalde, said that “when people take their money to spend abroad, that hurts our country.” That terrible, questionable and shady activity that Recalde mentioned is also called tourism. You idiot.
• Also, to continue with her crusade against imported stuff (imports=evil), President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner announced that she would send a bill to Congress advocating for more locally-printed books, instead of having them brought from overseas. Which is good, considering her two previous fiascos involving Blackberries and 3-D LCD screens. I mean, you can’t go wrong with books, right? Everyone reads books and people love bu-FUUUCK!

• If you are a woman and you live in Argentina, chances are you get beat up pretty often. Hey, don’t blame us. It’s just our way of proving we’re not gay.

• Speaking of gay, are you guys ready to get fabulous (whatever that means)? Because the technicolor rainbow is hitting Buenos Aires for nine days when the New Gay Pride Fest arrives next month. I’m not sure what the difference with the old gay pride is, but oh well. I can imagine that most of the “totally straight” douchebags who became obsessed with that gay sex video last week will also be attending, but only to make fun of the gays in the face, I’m sure.

• Have you ever desired to fly to Dubai but deemed it a too distant and exotic destination? Well, now you can make it happen! This week Fly Emirates announced that starting January 1st they would offer a daily service connecting Buenos Aires with Dubai. How exciting! You’ll be able to see the tallest building in the world, stay in that hotel that looks like a standing cockroach, and if Hollywood is any indication, the city offers adventure for thrill seekers and menopausal women alike. So why not visit their website and book a flight hmm?

• Yeah, no. Let me save you the trouble. It’s US$2500 round trip. Fuck them.

• Have you strolled down the Florida promenade lately? If you said “yes” you’re liar and you’ll burn in hell for all eternity. You can’t walk down Florida, silly! It’s been taken over by the “manteros” (illegal vendors who spread sheets over the promenade and put a bunch of crappy stuff no one needs for sale)! This of course has enraged the Florida store owners, who say their sales have gone down because the crap sold by the manteros is a lot cheaper than their crap. So now they are all up in arms and have announced that unless the City Government removes the manteros and relocates them within 30 days, they will all stop paying taxes. Look on the bright side, store owners! Taking the recent tax hike into consideration, chances are you’ll soon be spreading your sheets next to your current enemies in order to sell your crap after being closed down. See? It all works out in the end.

• Believe it or not, the Puyehue volcano is still active, and it’s still affecting flights! Of course, the only time we remember that is whenever our flights get cancelled. When the wind blows south, nobody gives a shit about the Patagonian provinces. Because you know what they say, “if it’s not happening in BA, it’s not happening at all.” Haha. So true.

• I know you don’t listen to FM radio, but this is something that I thought you might find amusing. You may have noticed that last Monday the hashtag #nonono was trending on Twitter Argentina. The hashtag’s origin is traced back to a radio show called “Perros de la calle” that’s on every afternoon on Metro FM. Every Monday, the show does this segment called “Da para darse?” (loosely translated as “Wanna fuck?”), and it involves three callers, each having to call someone they like and making them three questions. The third question has to be “Wanna fuck?”, no matter how little they know the other person. If the other person agrees to, you know, fuck, they win. But last Monday all hell broke loose when one of the callers decided to call his cousin, and another caller decided to call his boss, ending with the most unexpected and hilarious consequences. Download the whole segment here. Oh and if you don’t speak Spanish you’re fucked.

• Former military general and probable vampire Antonio
  

  This may or may not be deceased general Antonio Bussi. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Bussi finally got what he deserved and died from a stake through the heart cardiac arrest this week. Bussi had been sentenced to life in prison after being found guilty of crimes against humanity during the last military dictatorship. He will not be missed.

• Oh, in case you haven’t heard, your favorite website in the whole world (Cuevana) is being sued for copyright infringement, so very soon no more “The Walking Dead” for you.

• This week in the family-friendly pornographic fest that has become known as Dancing with the Stars: two chicks dance semi-naked and one of them hits her head. She leaves the stage “in pain” wearing a neck brace, but when she is given a shitty score, she comes back on stage, she cries, she takes off the neck brace, has a fight with the jury and “quits the show forever.” She’ll be back next week.

• This week in the family-friendly gay pornographic fest that is Big Brother: since the ratings keep tanking producers have decided to pull out the big guns. What do I mean by this? They decided to send into the house a couple of twin brothers! But wait, there’s a plot twist… they are gay twin brothers! Here’s a video of them explaining how they both slept with the same guy. No, you pervert, not at the same time! You and your dirty mind…

• Diego Maradona’s mother died this week and the Argentine population decided to stop hating him for a few days out of respect for the man they believe single-handedly trashed Argentina’s World Cup dreams last year. They also seemed to be more depressed than they would if their own mother died. You know that saying, “holier than the Pope”? Yeah, that.

• And finally: here’s some footage of a football match between Estudiantes and Banfield that had to be suspended after one of those primitive baboons also known as “hooligans” decided it would be “neat” to throw a bomb near the goal keeper. The police probably vowed to find the culprits and ban them from the premises for good. And, just like the girl from Dancing With The Stars, they’ll be back next week.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And before I start fucking around, let me put you up to speed on what is the biggest news of the day and will probably continue to make the headlines for several days now: a 9-year old boy from the town of Lincoln named Tomás Santillán who was reported missing on Tuesday was found dead yesterday evening. Evidence suggests that he was murdered after being hit in the head with a blunt object.

For now the only suspect is his mom’s former partner, a man who apparently didn’t get along with him. He is now in custody and authorities are trying to figure out a motive.

That is all there is to say about the case, even though the local media and their 24-hour news cycle may be trying to satisfy their thirst for sensationalism and blood lust by behaving like amoral vultures.

With the memory of the Candela Rodríguez murder case still fresh among Argentines, this is certainly not going to go away soon. Let’s just hope whoever did this is found and gets the punishment he or she deserves.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me just go back to my usual tomfoolery and being the immature, politically incorrect idiot you’ve grown to love this last year.

This is what you need to know:

State of the art 3-D glasses created last week. They are already obsolete. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was in Ushuaia this week and visited an LCD screen manufacturing plant, where she bragged about the cutting-edge technology of said screens and even tried on some new 3-D glasses which she warned “were not Chanel or Yves Saint-Laurent, or any of those brands the media says I love.” (Sidenote: you DO love those brands. Shut up Madame President). “They only weigh 16 grams and they don’t work on batteries so there’s no need to worry about recharging them,” she explained, in case you’ve never worn a pair of 3-D glasses or have been living under a rock for the last 40 years. Also, I’d say this is a good way to redeem herself after the last Blackberry fiasco, when she presented the first Blackberry built in Argentina during the week that Blackberry services were down all over the world. At least we know that 3-D technology is on the rise and - Oh shit.

• In case you were supposed to go back to whatever country you come from this week on an Aerolíneas Argentinas flight, chances are you’re still stuck in this hell hole since most of them have been cancelled this week due to a union conflict. Look on the bright side, you could have had a Die Hard 2 situation while you were waiting at the airport. See? It’s all about perspective.

• Speaking of terrorists and airports, the Ezeiza airport police arrested an American citizen who was trying to board a plane bound for Houston, Texas while carrying a handgun, live ammo and pepper spray. What, you thought that comment I made about Die Hard 2 was a joke? You should have learned by now that I never joke.

• Our hearts go out to rich people in the City this week, after the spineless bastard of a government some idiots voted for announced that they would be eliminating electricity, gas and water subsidy benefits in Recoleta, Palermo, Belgrano, Retiro, Nuñez and Puerto Madero. This means: A) The Government thinks we are “rich people” (yes, no eye-rolling, chances are you live in one of those areas) so we have to pay more, and B) We’re fucked. Good times!

• Congratulations Iguazú falls! You’ve been selected as one of the New
  

  The Iguazú falls. But you already knew that because I'm sure you've been there. Ugh, you're such a cliche. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Seven Wonders of Nature! The Government celebrated the decision and announced that from now on thousands of touri…- Oh. What is that, on the website? It says “It is possible that there will be changes between the above provisional winners and the eventual finally confirmed winners. The voting calculation is now being checked, validated and independently verified, and the confirmed winners will be announced starting early 2012 during the Official Inauguration ceremonies“? So…it’s not definitive yet? Oops. My bet is that this whole thing is some shitty gimmick concocted by some unscrupulous corporation pretending to have developed a social consciousness.

• This week in gay: in yet further evidence that the average Argentine homophobic macho is one big fat repressed homosexual fighting his urge to break into song in the middle of a football game, millions of totally straight guys became obsessed with a viral video that showed two guys getting caught while having sex in their backyard this week. The video became Argentina’s number one trending topic on Twitter and guys desperately searched for an excuse to play it over and over again, while covering their faces in horror and making bigoted remarks in order to feels less guilty about their suspicious curiosity. Because remember: it’s not gay if there’s no kissing involved.

• Another school in some town you’ve never heard of/care about (Catamarca) is in deep trouble after photos of a bachelorette party conducted on the school premises surfaced online, stripper included and everything! Honestly I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s not like teachers don’t have sex or anything. They are people like you and I! Of course the fact that there were children present at the party may have contributed to the outrage. But what do I know, I have no children.

• That puddle of stinking cat vomit known as Big Brother is tanking in the ratings! I haven’t felt this happy since I heard Stephanie Meyer vowed never to write any more Twilight books! Remember how last year Big Brother Argentina was all about scandals, and rape and shit? Well this year the only way to top that is by having someone kill another contestant or a full blown orgy, and since none of those is likely to happen (well the killing isn’t), I guess all people will have to watch is pillow fights.

• This week in football: after an embarrassing and forgettable performance during the first half of the match, Argentina managed to beat Colombia 2-1 in one of those World Cup qualifying sessions that you’re never really sure how they work, which is good because if you did you’d realize that it doesn’t make any difference who wins or loses because the 2014 World Cup is THREE FUCKING YEARS AWAY.

• Also, the delicate football genius known as Lionel Messi is apparently “exhausted” from all that running he has to do, and that makes everybody sad. Man, the life of a pampered multimillionaire football superstar certainly can be hard.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And for like the 82nd time this year… it’s the end of the world!

That’s right folks, it’s the 11/11/11 today, and no one pretty much knows what the fuck it means but it’s gotta mean something big right? Maybe those Mayan guys said something about it? No? Well whatever it is the media is all over this, trying to freak everybody out and asking profound questions such as “What is going to happen today at 11:11?”.

Because that’s the best part: everyone is getting ready to freak out at 11:11. And since we’re not really sure if it’s AM or PM, let’s all remember to freak out twice today, just in case.

Also, not to nitpick but does the Rapture move by time zones? I mean, Australia supposedly reached 11:11 AM last night and nothing happened. Isn’t that a sign that this is all bullshit?

And if something does happen today at 11:11 AM (or PM), Buenos Aires time, isn’t that, like, completely unfair to other countries? I can totally see New Yorkers going “What the fuck, man? It’s only 9:11 here! What’s up with that!”

It’s OK though, I’m 99% sure nothing will happen.

And if it turns out that nothing happens, like last year when it was 10/10/10, or the years before when it was 9/9/9, 8/8/8, 7/7/7, 6/6/6, 5/5/5, 4/4/4, 3/3/3, 2/2/2 or 1/1/1, or the 20 centuries since the day Jesus was born that also had a 11/11/11 in them, then we can always hope that the zombie apocalypse we’ve all been waiting for finally takes place next year on 12/12/12.

If it doesn’t then I’m really gonna start questioning the veracity of this whole judgement day thing.

But I digress.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  The four horsemen of the apocalypse are supposed to come kill us all today. Good times. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner and US president Barack Obama are still best buds. The White House said the meeting between the two of them was “warm,” and Cristina appointed Jorge Argüello as the new Argentine ambassador to the US. During a joint meeting yesterday, Cristina told him that his mission was to make sure any ongoing conflict with the US is resolved asap so they can have the best kind of relationship possible. I still don’t know what’s going on here, but I promise I’m gonna find out.

• Hooray, we’re rich! Well, no, we’re not rich. But the oil companies are, and that can never be a bad thing, right? … Right? Well, it’s been a great week for local gas company YPF since it discovered almost a billion barrels of oil in Neuquén province, increasing its oil reserves by a 50 percent. And we all know that those riches will come back to the community somehow, right? … Right? I mean, what’s the worse than happ-OH MY GOD, OF COURSE!

• Also, not to ruin your weekend or anything, but thanks to the new measures implemented by the Government in order to stop capital flight, it’s become almost impossible to buy dollars now. Which basically means you’re stuck in this country forever. Hey. It could be worse. You could have been, I don’t know, camping by the side of the Coppermine River on July 17th 1771. See? It’s all about perspective.

• I know this is old news, but it took place last Friday evening and the Weekly News Roundup was already up. But if you’re like embarrassingly uninformed Ashton Kutcher and you really have no fucking clue of what goes on around you, here it is: last Friday, a building in downtown Buenos Aires was evacuated after firemen warned it was about to collapse. Less than an hour after it people got out, the rear of the structure split in two and collapsed. People even managed to capture it with their cell phones. Originally, authorities reported no casualties, but then a man claimed that his father, a 74-year old pensioner with a hearing problem, was missing. After six days of extensive research, they found the body of the man under the rubble. While being interviewed, gaffe-prone Mayor Macri actually said: “We should be happy because there’s just one person missing.” Yes, he actually said that.

• Oh, but wait! There’s a silver lining to this terrible tragedy. That’s right, I give you… Nancy the dancer! Nancy’s apartment was among those that collapsed last Friday and is now homeless. And what better way to make money than by fame-whoring it out in front of the cameras? You see, Nancy needs a new home so “she wants to be famous by doing anything that involves dancing” (wink wink). And she loves ballet so much that she even took some photos of her “work”. The theme is, of course, construction worker. Obvious choice. However, I have to admit I don’t really get the slutty maid outfit. Still, I’m rooting for you girl!

• More progress! The Justice and General Legislation Committee in Congress cleared the Gender Identity Bill for debate on the Lower House floor, meaning that the bill may become law very soon if it makes it to the Senate. If passed, it will grant transgender citizens (or as conservative losers call them, “sinners”) with full rights to officially change their name and gender.

• If you happened to walk by Plaza de Mayo this week you may have noticed many teachers protesting against the City Government and Mayor Mauricio Macri there, and boy are they upset. Their anger is caused by Macri’s decision to put in place a new teacher rating board, and extending the school year until December 23rd. December 23rd! Man, those kids are gonna be pissed when they open their Christmas presents.

• This unbelievable crash that looks like something out of a Final Destination movie took place right in front of Plaza Miserere, in Once, last Sunday. The two people who were in the speeding car were immediately killed.

• Oh, the police later announced that the two men who died in the crash were actually serial robbers who would break into buildings and ransack as many apartments as they could. Apparently the reason they were speeding was because they had just robbed one. So… karma? Is that too politically incorrect to say? Whatever.

• Remember the many times you said “Man, how I’d wish this city had a restaurant that’s 100% run by transsexuals”? Oh, you never said that? Maybe it was just me then, but look! It’s a restaurant run by transsexuals! It’s called “Parrilla Transeuntes” and it’s located in Barracas. You know, one of those neighborhoods you know exist but you never go to? Well, don’t tell me this isn’t the perfect excuse to go, help a good cause and prove you’re not a bigoted idiot. Don’t be surprised to see me there, though! *giggles*

• Remember Hanson? Those three guys who looked like girls and despite looking like girls had all the girls? They used to sing Mmmbop, and other songs with fun, incomprehensible onomatopoeia until they suddenly dropped dead or stop singing or something. Well, they’re back! And they visited Argentina! And that’s all pretty much there is to say about it.

• Bad news drug addicts! Were you planning on losing your mind at Creamfields tomorrow night? Oh, please. No need to act surprised, you think I was born yesterday? Anyway, the Federal Police announced the arrest of two “dudes” who were caught with over 1000 doses of ecstasy that they were planning on selling at the electronic music festival. But don’t worry, because they’re like those annoying little brooms from Fantasia. For every one they catch, ten more appear. So it’s all good, you still have the chance to drown in your own vomit while lying at the bottom of some ditch at 7 am.

• Former super hot model and currently kind of OK model Cindy Crawford
  

  Yeah, that's right. I decided to go with a Cindy Crawford photo. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  visited Argentina this week for some reason (she was paid for it, why else?) and visited the horribly disappointing tomb of Evita. Will people please stop doing that? Seriously, there’s nothing to see there! It’s a bland crypt with mediocre floral arrangements at best! And if that wasn’t cliche enough, she also said “she loves Dulce de Leche and asados.” *kills self*

• Local Catholic authorities elected their new ecclesiastical representative in Argentina this week. José María Arancedo, the new Argentine Cardinal, will be the man representing the Vatican before the local Government. Also, he may or many not be Dick Cheney’s good twin brother. (See what I did there? By calling him “the good twin brother” I implied Dick Cheney was the evil twin brother. I’m so smart. Teehee!). Seriously now, he totally fucking looks like Dick Cheney.

• This week in that puddle of shit TV show known as Gran Hermano (Big Brother): remember how last week I joked that you had to wait for at least a week to watch a threesome happen? Well I wasn’t so wrong since only a week after entering the house these two were already fucking like cats in heat. Oh, but fear not. It was all done “under the sheets” so the networks get to call it “artistic” and “tasteful.” I call it fame whoring. In the literal sense.}

• Speaking of gross, wanna see an open fracture? This is what happened this week in that football match between Union and Newells when a Union player broke his tibia and his fibula and had his foot just hanging there, like it was made of jelly.

• You know what? I still find that video with the open fracture strangely more bearable than the one with those two brainfarts having sex.

• And last but not least: are you a proud SUBE card owner? If so, you’re in luck! Because the Government just announced that if you try to scan your card and for whatever reason it doesn’t work, you get to ride for free! See? The Government may have fucked up your life by trapping you in this country forever, but hey, at least if your card doesn’t work you get a free pass! Ah, America Argentina.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And honestly I have no idea why I sound so cheerful when in fact everything that happened this week pretty much sucks.

Seriously! People dying, prices skyrocketing and on top of that, Big Brother Argentina is back. It’s been a tough week.

So I will understand if after reading this you decide to go spend your Friday night drowning your sorrows in alcohol.

Unless you’re reading this on Sunday morning while having breakfast. If that is the case then I’ve totally made your Sunday ever more horrible than it already is, and for that I apologize.

Here’s what you need to know:

• 

  "Come on, let's blow this joint," Obama said. Cristina agreed, giggling. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Alright guys. Honestly it’s very strange, but the US has suddenly had a change of heart and it seems that all it wants to do is become Argentina’s totally cool BFF these days. Remember last week when I told you that Barack Obama had asked for a private meeting with President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner when they met in Cannes for the G20 Summit? Well it happened! What did they talk about? Are they best friends yet? Will Argentines continue to require a visa to enter the US? Did they swap spit? No, yes and maybe. So after the meeting they said the usual: blablabla “important business partners,” blablabla “opportunity to be friends again,” blablabla “we both care about science and technology,” and not much more, all while they were trying to fight the strong sexual tension between them. That’s it. Here’s a video of the joint conference they held afterwards, and if you want to know more, then go check the news and find out for yourself. I’m not your bitch.

• Minutes before the first meeting between the G20 presidents yesterday, Obama, Fernández de Kirchner and French President Nicolas Sarkozy got together for a brief chat. What did Obama do? He pointed at Cristina and told Sarkozy that “they both needed to learn lessons from her” after she managed to get reelected by such a large percentage of the population. Cristina then spontaneously combusted.

• US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton also called the President this week and told her that she wanted to congratulate her on her reelection and looked forward for renewing their bilateral relationship and being friends again. A few days later, Clinton’s mother passed away and President Fernández de Kirchner was one of the first to send her a letter offering her deepest sympathies. Told ya! The have gone from this to this in less than a week.

• As if that weren’t enough, yesterday a congressman from New York (a Democrat, obviously) asked Obama to declassify all files that the CIA has on the Argentine dictatorship from 1976 to 1983, since he believes it may help identify many of babies who were born in captivity and improve relations with Argentina.

• So yeah. I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but if you Americans are thinking of asking for money, let me tell ya, we don’t have any. In the meantime, Argentines are loving all this kind of attention, proving that the reason why Argentina hates the US so much is because they want to marry it.

• In other G20 news, Italy’s Prime Minister and perverted womanizer Silvio Berlusconi will continue to behave as such and he doesn’t give a shit about what you think.

• As of last Monday, the National Government announced that the AFIP Tax Agency would require background checks for anyone trying to buy dollars, since for the last few months the Central Bank reserves have been going down like crazy after paranoid crazy fucks, fearing that Cristina herself was going to come for their savings, began sending their money abroad. So now, in order to increase the supply of dollars on the local market, the Argentine Government has gone all post-9/11 US on our asses. Tough shit!

• In a completely unexpected move, yet totally expected, the National Government announced this week that they had decided to begin eliminating the subsidies that they had put in place in 2003 in order to help a majority of the population when the economy was in the crapper. Now that Argentina is like, the best country in the history of the universe and everyone is rich again, there’s no more need for them! So they announced they would begin by eliminating energy, gas and water subsidies for corporations and eventually for families. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but chances are that very soon your utilities will triple from one month to another. You live in Palermo and you pay $50 a month of electricity? Well, by January you will surely be paying $150. Tough shit, part 2!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And remember how nothing happened last week? Well, naturally everything happened this week.

So no preambles this time, let’s get down to business shall we?

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Four more years! (Photo, Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was reelected by a landslide last week! But you probably already knew that, right? If not, you should know I’m judging you in silence. Anyway, not only she became Latin America’s first reelected female president but her party also regained a majority in Congress, which they had lost in 2009. During her victory speech she seemed conciliatory and vowed to keep working to expand the government model that began when her husband became the President of Argentina in 2003. She was seen dancing happily on stage along with his son Máximo and her daughter Florencia, who may or may not be Lady Gaga. Congratulations Madame President!

• Self-proclaimed deity Diego Maradona congratulated President Fernández de Kirchner, and posted a photo of himself on the web with a message for her that contains a few words in English, the language of the capitalist devils. Awkward!

• Great news everyone! US President Barack Obama congratulated President Fernández de Kirchner after being reelected and has asked for a meeting with her next week when they are both in Cannes for the G20 Summit. Yay! Does that mean that the US and Argentina are friends again? I’m telling you, there’s a lot of sexual tension whenever those two get together.

• Horrible news everyone! Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad also called President Fernández de Kirchner to congratulate her. Apparently good old Mahmoud wants to “improve relations” with Argentina, which are a little strained because of the whole “several Iranians blew up a building in Buenos Aires in 94 and I, President of Iran, refuse to turn them in for fair trial” thing. Let’s see how that goes.

• Then there was also British Prime Minister David Cameron, who sent a congratulatory message that quite literally read: “Congrats! We’re still not gonna give you the Falklands though.”

• OK, so it didn’t say it like that, but it still said that the Malvinas/Falklands debate was off the table, and that they would be sending a warship to the area “just in case.” Can’t wait to read what the President’s Thank You note says.

• This Thursday was also the first anniversary of the death of former President Néstor Kirchner, and the entire country got together to remember him fondly and celebrate not his death, but his legacy. Authorities in Santa Cruz, his home province, unveiled his new mausoleum, an ugly-ass building that looks like something out of a Tim Burton film and that perpetuates the notion that he suffered from serious deliriums of grandeur. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the statue they unveiled, which totally looks like a bronze Freddy Krueger about to rip you to shreds with his terrifying glove.

• To conclude this historic week in Argentina, the two puddles of shit that are Jorge “Tigre” Acosta and Alfredo Astiz, two men who became the face of horror after being accused of thousands of deaths and disappearances (and the torture of pregnant women) at the ESMA Navy School of Mechanics during the last dictatorship were finally sentenced to life in prison. Astiz, labeled by many the “Angel of Death” because of his angelic face, was smirking throughout the reading of the sentence like the repugnant slime that he is. Don’t feel bad though, just remember that from now on, every time you go to sleep at night he will be getting raped by eight guys and beaten in the face until he’s rendered unconscious for the next…uhm…well, until he dies.

• Also, because seeing our current Economy Minister and Vice-President-elect Amado Boudou playing guitar on stage is not embarrassing enough, now you’re given the choice to become him too. Forget about Guitar Hero, that’s for mediocre musicians and nerds. I give you Boudou Hero, where you get to play the same song from La Mancha de Rolando, over and over again until you feel like you want to blow your brains out. Pretty much like in real life.

• Mutant-looking mouth and Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tylerwas
  

  Steven Tyler, back when he didn't look like a tooth-less old lady. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  getting ready for a show in Asuncion, Paraguay, when he slipped and fell inside his hotel bathtub. This is what he looks like now, and he is still cooler than you’ll ever be in your entire life. He rescheduled his shows in Paraguay and today he is getting ready to play in Argentina. (I know, technically the news come from Paraguay so it’s not really local news, but you know, for most of you South America was all part of Brazil or something before you came here, so whatever. Don’t hate me, I’m just applying your logic).

• In other news coming from South America, Chile has now issued a red alert over the possibility that another volcano, the Hudson, might erupt anytime soon and asked for residents living in the area to evacuate. OK, can I just say what everyone is thinking? Yeah, Sebastian Piñera is cursed. Ever since he was elected last year, Chile has gone through a devastating earthquake, a killer tsunami, the Chilean miners drama, a blackout that left the nation’s capital in the dark, a spectacular pile-up in a highway that left many dead, the eruption of the Puyehue volcano, another earthquake, a plane crash on the Juan Fernandez island that killed all passengers on-board, a nationwide student revolt and now ANOTHER volcanic eruption. Dude, for the sake of your people, just quit already.

• Ever heard the expression “Homer Simpson is an Argentine”? Chances are you have, since that is the reason most Argentines use to describe their obsessive and unconditional love for The Simpsons. Don’t worry, it’s all part of the guilt they feel for letting such an American pop-culture icon become so deeply entrenched with the local population, so they use that expression in order to feel better with themselves. Anyway, more “evidence” about the Simpsons’ true DNA was found this week after the media discovered a three-eyed fish near an energy plan in Cordoba. Just like Blinky! This, according to the national media, is more incontrovertible proof that Matt Groening is an Argentine, and now everyone can continue to hate the US without any guilt, which is a relief considering that they are already celebrating Halloween this weekend, and that would be too much.

• **UPDATE** After having to deal with the horrendous fish for over two days, waiting for someone to come and investigate it, the guy who fished it out threw it in the garbage. Like, literally.

• Remember last month’s accident involving a bus and a train, and how authorities vowed it would never happen again? Oops.

• Even after this, the streets are covered in shit.

• It hasn’t been a good week for the football world. First, Lionel Messi failed to score a couple of times when playing for his team in Spain, which in the sports media world translates as “Has Messi gone over the hill?”. Ugh. Shut up, sports media. Get a real job, like regular the media does.

• One guy in the River Plate Club’s board of directors was mad at another guy who had sold him a house with humidity problems so, naturally, he went and stabbed him.

• While Jonathan Botinelli from the San Lorenzo team was in practice, several hooligans who were mad at him (because he was probably not scoring enough goals maybe? Whatever.), naturally, broke into the field and beat him up.

• In a match between Racing and Lanus, some guy fell to the ground and the referee blamed another guy from the opposite team. This guy was apparently not happy about this so, naturally, he went and kicked the other guy in the face while he was still on the ground. Now there’s someone who literally kicks you when you’re down! Lame joke, I know. Do you know how hard it is to come up with fresh material every week?? Gimme a break.

• And yes, I know. “Violence is everywhere, not just football!” you are probably saying. But guess what, I’m biased. Deal with it.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono