It’s Friday again!

And remember this? Remember how the Rapture was postponed until October 21st? Well, it’s supposed to be today and no one cares. Maybe it’s because we are already in hell.

Anyway, it was unusually quiet this week so there’s not much to talk about.

Maybe because it’s the calm before the storm. The election storm, that is, because in case you didn’t know, the presidential elections in Argentina are taking place in two days!

So let’s get down to business, shall we?

• 

  A tumbleweed, the universal symbol for "nothing is happening." (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Yes, I know that politics is “not your thing” and that you’d rather watch soft core porn on the local version of Dancing With the Stars, but worry not! Because I’ve compiled all the important information about the local candidates in a very easy-to-read article that I’m sure you’ll find most enlightening. There’s pictures and everything! It’s like “Presidential Candidates for Dummies,” only the dummy is you. So here it is. Enjoy!

• Oh yeah, it’s also below this article, so you don’t really have to click on that link. Anyway, whatever, do what you wanna do.

Hey there, my politically-challenged friends!

It’s that time of the year again!

No, I’m not talking about Creamfields, I’m talking about the presidential elections that are taking place this Sunday!

I know, I know, you don’t give a shit because you don’t vote. But still, don’t you think it’s at least interesting to know who you would be voting for if you could vote.

Still no?

You know what? Sometimes I don’t know why I even bother with you. Are you happy being this way? I mean, are you happy being this ignorant? Do you think life in Argentina is all about lunches in San Telmo, asados at you friend’s house in Las Cañitas and partying and hitting on gorgeous people until sunrise at some cool bar in Palermo Soho?

Well, yes it is, but how about knowing a little bit more, huh?

The world is in revolt* out there, there are protests around the planet, dictatorships are falling and democracies are being born and you still choose to ignore it because “you’re not really into that stuff.”

Well you, my friend, are an idiot.

*(It used to say “falling apart” instead of “in revolt”, but some smartass reader pointed out that I wasn’t making much sense, so I, humiliated, decided to change it. You win for now, smartass reader, but we’ll meet again).

NOW SHUT UP AND READ THE FUCKING LIST I MADE BECAUSE I SAID SO.

Don’t worry; you’ll thank me in the next ten years when you all of a sudden start caring about politics and say “that Adrian dude was right!”

So, without any further ado, I give you this election’s presidential candidates, dumbed down for your reading pleasure.

Presidential Candidate #1 - President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner

 

Occupation: Didn’t you read? She’s the President.

Age: 58, but I’m sure she doesn’t want you to know that.

Party: Frente para la Victoria (Peronist)

Ideology: Progressive, center-left. You thought she was from the left? Haha. You have no idea.

Running Mate: The coolest of them all, current Economy Minister Amado Boudou, known for making out with red heads in nightclubs and playing guitar on stage. Yeah, we get it Boudou, you’re “one of us.” Shut up already.

Pros: She’s probably the best president Argentina has had since the return of democracy in 1983.

Cons: She’s a narcissistic psycho bitch.

Superpowers: None.

Catchphrase: “A woman would have found a way out of this already.”

Nemesis: Vice-President Julio Cobos and fake, Chinese-made Louis Vuitton bags.

If she were a fictional character, she’d be: Miranda Priestly, from “The Devil Wears Prada.”

Chances of being elected: Let’s just say she’s already won.

So, in my honest opinion, this is all you need to know since she is expected to be reelected by a landslide (polls suggest she may even reach a 60 percent of the popular vote). Still I’m contractually obligated by the Argentina Independent to finish this piece, no matter how useless the rest of the information. So let’s just pretend that we don’t know who’s gonna win, shall we?

By the way, great to know you made it to bullet point 2. I promise it’s all gonna be over soon.

Presidential Candidate #2 - Hermes Binner

 

Occupation: Governor of Santa Fe

Age: 68

Party: Socialist (if you’re a right-wing American, you should be having a heart attack by now).

Ideology: Progressive, center-left.

Running Mate: Norma Morandini

Pros: Under his administration, the Santa Fe province registered a historical growth.

Cons: His speeches are unbelievably boring.

Superpowers: None

Catchphrase: None

Nemesis: Well, let’s just say right-wing America would want him dead.

If he were a fictional character, he’d be: The 2015 version of George Mc. Fly in Back to the Future Part II.

Chances of being elected: Not many. However, after garnering such strong support in the last few months, if he doesn’t win he will certainly become a very strong contender and opposition leader in 2015.

Presidential Candidate #3 - Ricardo Alfonsín

 

Occupation: Lawmaker

Age: 59

Party: Radical Civic Union (UCR). And no, you idiots. “Radical” doesn’t have the connotation that you think it does. Plus, the party was founded in the 1800′s, and back then people killed each other a lot more.

Ideology: Progressive, center.

Running Mate: Javier González Fraga

Pros: He has good intentions. He is the son of the late Raúl Alfonsín, the first Argentine president after the dictatorship, who many people still remember fondly.

Cons: His campaign ads were probably the worst in political history (specially this one, in which he tells the President “you will probably win this election…”).

Superpowers: His yelling will drive you insane.

Catchphrase: None.

Nemesis: His campaign strategist.

If he were a fictional character, he’d be: He’s like a parody of himself. So… you know. Himself.

Chances of being elected: On a scale of 1 to 10? None.

Presidential Candidate #4 - Eduardo Duhalde

 

Occupation: Unemployed, drug trafficker

Age: 70

Party: Union Popular (Peronist)

Ideology: Conservative, center-right.

Running Mate: Mario Das Neves

Pros: He was the one who bravely stepped forward and took office when no one wanted to be president of Argentina in 2001, and he somehow miraculously survived.

Cons: Pretty much the entire country believes he is the one who controls the drug flow entering the Buenos Aires province. It’s never been proven though.

Superpowers: None

Catchphrase: “You guys wanna see a dead body?” Haha. No, I’m kidding.

Nemesis: The DEA.

If he were a fictional character, he’d be: Any portrayed by Joe Pesci.

Chances of being elected: Forgetaboutit.

Presidential Candidate #5 - Alberto Rodríguez Sáa

 

Occupation: Governor of San Luis

Age: 62

Party: Frente Compromiso Federal (Peronist)

Ideology: I’m not really sure. Left-wing? Right-wing? Eh, whatever.

Running Mate: Apparently, this guy.

Pros: He says if he wins, he will provide free wi-fi for everyone in the country (not a joke).

Cons: His political ads are cringing and seem to be taken from a Family Guy episode. Here, let me show you: there’s this one with the Wachiturros, there’s this one in which he looks like a cult leader trying to talk you into joining him in mass suicide, and then there’s this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and 15 more like those that will make you want to violently and repeatedly stab your ears and eyes with a rusty screwdriver.

**UPDATE** OH MY GOD THIS ONE.

Seriously, this guy HAS to be president. Can you imagine? I wouldn’t have enough time to write about him!

Superpowers: None.

Catchphrase: “Pongale su voto al Alberto, Rodriguez Saa!,” the most horrible jingle in the history of horrible jingles.

Nemesis: Good taste, DSL internet.

If he were a fictional character, he’d be: Lord Voldemort. But not the scary, cool looking Voldermort from the latter Harry Potter movies. I’m talking about the one from the first one, that hid on the back of some dude’s head and was made in some really cheap special effects. Yeah, that one.

Chances of being elected: Haha. Well, I can’t blame you for asking.

Presidential Candidate #6 - Elisa Carrió

 

Occupation: Lawmaker, clairvoyance expert

Age: 54

Party: Coalición Cívica (Civic Coalition)

Ideology: Social democracy, center-left. Sort of.

Running Mate: Adrián Pérez

Pros: No matter how many times she’s loses, she keeps trying. So I guess she’s persistent.

Cons: She’s batshit crazy. She keeps making ambiguous, undecipherable prophecies that allegedly come to her through God.

Superpowers: She can see the future. No, really, she says that. In fact, back in 2008, she said it would be “divine” if President Fernández de Kirchner became a widow. Two years later, BAM!

Catchphrase: None

Nemesis: Well, obviously Satan. Also facts.

If she were a fictional character, she’d be: A very blonde Annie Wilkes from Misery.*

Chances of being elected: She has basically stopped trying. Guess what she saw in her future wasn’t so good.

*Yes, I know I said that of another candidate a couple of months ago. Don’t try to get smart with me.

 

Presidential Candidate #7 - Jorge Altamira

 

Occupation: Currently unemployed.

Age: 69

Party: Partido Obrero (Worker’s Party)

Ideology: Left-wing socialist. HORROR!

Running Mate: Christian Castillo

Pros: He’s an incredibly smart man with big dreams.

Cons: He chose the wrong country to run. He’s got this sort of cosmopolitan proletariat glow around him that makes me sort of uncomfortable.

Superpowers: None.

Catchphrase: “Nosotros, la izquierda” (We, the left).

Nemesis: Other parties who claim to be the left (like the President’s party) but that they are not really the left, like his party is.

If he were a fictional character, he’d be: Any character portrayed my Malcolm McDowell.

Chances of being elected: Let’s just say he made it through the primaries because he was part of an internet meme. So “none,” I guess.

 

And that’s pretty much it!

See? That wasn’t so hard.

So this Saturday when you’re forced to stay home watching some movie or - God forbid - reading a book instead of going out (and we all know in your little world “going out” equals “potential sex”), now you know who to blame.

Enjoy your lame, sexless Saturday night everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And boy, are we fucked. I mean, I don’t know what’s worse: being bombed by Iran or being mobbed by a horny crowd of Justin Bieber fans. Have you been paying attention to the news? (Well no, you probably haven’t, that’s why you keep coming back here Friday after Friday).

See? I was gonna do a bit of a stand-up comedy act right now, but since you wouldn’t know what the hell I was talking about you’ve just effectively killed my segue.

Ugh, I hate you.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  A BlackBerry. It may be a piece of shit, but at least it's made in Argentina (Photo/Wikipedia).

  After a low blood pressure case killed kept President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner in bed for a couple of days this week, she decided to reappear in public on Wednesday to proudly display the first BlackBerry Curve 8520 “made in Argentina,” the result of a recent agreement between the Argentine government and Research in Motion (RIM) to start building their devices here. No, yeah, that’s some great timing Madame President. While two thirds of the world’s population was fuming about BlackBerry’s global system collapse and RIM’s stocks were plummeting to the center of the earth, you somehow thought this would be a great idea. Please, fire someone? Please.

• WAR!!!!!! Well, maybe not. But still, I bet that “WAR!!!!!” part scared you shitless, didn’t it? Anyway, the drums of war are rolling and this time the US and Argentina are on the same side! In what seems to have been pulled out of a spy thriller or an episode of 24, the FBI and the DEA announced this week that they had managed to stop an Iranian terrorist plot that not only was looking to assassinate the Saudi ambassador to the US, but had also planned to bomb the Israeli and Saudi embassies in Buenos Aires. It’s all still very hush-hush, but apparently the US and Saudi Arabia had warned Argentina about this several months ago. Look at those three being all friends and stuff! Maybe this will usher in a new era of friendship and cooperation between the US and Argentina? Maybe they’ll finally be able to accept each other’s Friend requests on Facebook?And you, Iran, just stop it with your whining about the Jews. Seriously, you’re a pain in the ass. I don’t hear you complaining about this, a show with naked women and gay men, which is pretty much your worst nightmare. Just shut up already.

• Because three forces in town are apparently not enough, the Security Ministry announced this week the creation of yet another police division, the “Neighborhood Crime Prevention Body.” What will it do? Well, you know… police stuff. So now we have the Federal Police, the Metropolitan Police, the Prefecture in Puerto Madero and this new NCPB thing which sounds more like a venereal disease than a special forces unit.

• WAR!!!!!! Well, not exactly, but close! You see, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away (2005, in Uruguay), there was this bilateral conflict going on that caused for relations between the Argentine and Uruguayan governments to reach a historic low. No one talked about war, but many people silently feared it (by the way, if you just went “Holy shit, man! You mean Uruguay is not part of Argentina?!?,” please leave this site and never come back). In the end, things got better once President Pepe Mujica was elected there and everyone became friends again. However, former president Tabaré Vázquez cause a stir this week when he admitted that he was certain Uruguay was heading to war with Argentina, for which he secretly asked for help to the US. Oh, shit. I knew things were gonna go back to “Relationship status: It’s complicated” between Argentina and the US. Well, it was good while it lasted.

• This concludes today’s political section. As we approach the election weekend, don’t miss the return of Argentine Politics 101, so you’ll get to learn more about the candidates that you can’t vote for because you’re probably an illegal alien who visits Colonia for a day every three months in order to avoid deportation. And still, you didn’t know Uruguay was another country.

• OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!! Justin Bieber is (was? I dunno) in Argentina! The Bieber fever finally caught up with all of us, and we had to deal with trillions of horny little girls flocking all over the city (and as you can see in this video of my interaction with them, they’re literally crazy). The best part was when the angry mob of twelve-year olds finally managed to overcome the police and almost broke into the Faena Hotel where Bieber was staying. Ohhh! So that’s why we need a new special police. Apparently the officers on duty now are no match for 12-year olds. Sad.

• This week in batshit television: Dancing With The Stars (Yes. Again.) continued to provide us with unforgettable moments of cringing and public shaming after two of the show’s judges (a man and a woman), while they were backstage getting ready for the show, got into a fist fight for some reason I don’t even care to explain. Just watch it and move on, OK? Here you go.

• And if this didn’t make you feel dirty enough, here’s a “sneak peek”of the
  

  I swear I downloaded a photo of Justin Bieber but for some reason I got the other Justin. Whatever, you know what I meant to say, I'm not going down there again. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  future former no-hit wonder Travaturra (a pun in Spanish mixing the words “Trava” (transvestite) and “turra” (slut)) and her classy, delicate song “The Tits.” “With a good pair of tits you can’t conquer the world,” the artist sings. And I couldn’t agree more. Keep reaching for that rainbow! Or a place in Dancing with the Stars, whatever works for ya.

• Don’t you feel like you need to take a shower by now?

• And speaking of embarrassing moments, how about that football game between Argentina and Venezuela, huh? After a terrible performance by the Argentine football team, Venezuela managed to beat the local team 1-0 in the 2014 World Cup qualifiers, which, like I said before, IS THREE FUCKING YEARS AWAY FROM US. Seriously, what is wrong with you people! By 2014 half the people playing in those teams could be dead! God, I hate this stupid sport.

• In continuance with my anti-football evangelism, here’s even more evidence that this sport makes turns you into an idiot: this week someone, for some reason, found a photo of Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg looking like a crazy homeless person back when he was traveling around Argentina in 2006. The cheap looking shorts he’s wearing (which he probably got at some clearance bin in Plaza Miserere for $2 because he was hot and needed to take off those sweaty jeans) happened to display a poorly-embroidered Racing Club badge. The result? MARK ZUCKERBERG IS A RACING FAN!, according to the local media. *sigh*

• And finally: last week the Pumas’ dreams of becoming world champions were crushed after a match with the All Blacks. However, upon their return, they were greeted as heroes. Ah, now here’s a sport I like: rugby. See, people here only become rugby fans and talk about how much rugby is the best sport in the world and how much they love it whenever the Rugby World Cup is on, and as long as the Pumas are winning. The rest of the time they don’t give a shit about it. And that, my friends, deserves recognition.

It’s Friday again!

And yes, I know it’s hard to be funny when it’s only been two days since Steve Jobs, the undisputed Master of the Universe and Eternal God of the Infinite passed away.

But still, life goes on, so dry those tears and honor his life by reading this on your Apple device of choice.

Oh, you don’t have one? Whatever then. This is what you need to know:

• 

  A typical Argentine family in 2011. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner declared officially open the new Science and Technology Hub in Palermo Soho this week. The new complex will house many science labs and research stations and it’s even gonna have a restaurant and everything! The President proudly said that this is one more step in reverting the brain drain that followed the 2001 economic crisis, and believes many of the scientists who left the country will be tempted to return. And I’m sure they will! Specially since all the countries they escaped to (Spain, Italy, the US) are now going down in flames with high unemployment numbers and record debt. Oh well. Hakuna matata, I guess.

• Fernández de Kirchner (yes, this one is also about politics, so if you don’t care just stop rolling your eyes and move on to the next bullet point) also unveiled this week her government’s 2020 Strategic Industrial Plan, a long term strategy with a strong focus on the industrial sector that is expected to largely increase GDP and lower unemployment levels even more. So, uhm… I don’t wanna sound pessimistic or anything, but the way things are going in [insert name of your home country here], I’d suggest you start considering getting a DNI and staying here for good. Just saying.

• I hope you didn’t get offended by my suggestion that your country pretty much sucks right now. I mean, my country is going through the same thing! I’m from Spain! That’s pretty much like living in a dumpster.

• Anyway, if you thought I was going to let the President get off easy, you’re wrong of course. Here’s a video of a woman who started heckling her during the presentation of the 2020 plan. The woman was yelling that her salaries had remained frozen for some time now, and in this horrible inflation, you know how wrong that is. The President, who was obviously uncomfortable, quickly replied “we’ll take care of you too.” We’re not sure what she meant by that, but I keep checking the news to see if she turns up dead somewhere.

• Oh, the link to the video above doesn’t work? Well, no surprise there.

• If you are an Argentine politician who’s trying to attract young voters, what’s the best way of doing it? Well, you run your campaign by comparing yourself to a character from the Simpsons! Río Gallegos mayoral candidate Roberto Giubetich pretty much said “Fuck it!” and decided to simpsonize himself. “I very much look like Superintendent Chalmers, so I said ‘What the heck!’.” And yes, he actually said that.

• Former President and “the Emperor” from the Star Wars saga Carlos Menem (he’s bad luck, don’t forget to tap your left testicle/boob) was a Twitter sensation yesterday when a rumor that he had passed away began growing strong on the web. Menem was forced out of his hideout in Mt. Doom in order to tell everyone that he was in fact alive, which shocked the population even more, since everyone thought he had been dead for a long time now.

• Our favourite show in the entire history of the universe Dancing With The Stars(what else, right?) finally decided to
  

  Probably one of your (my) northern hemisphere unemployed friends. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  pull all stops and gave us what we all knew was coming: full frontal nudity! I even wrote a special post about it and everything! And since the video is no longer available because those squares on You Tube don’t like nudity, here’s a link to the Gawker site. They still have it. Oh and if you’re a woman, please don’t yell at me because you found it offensive. I had nothing to do with it.

• Here’s a message to all you horny idiots out there who can’t wait to go out every night “and get lucky.” Be very careful, because the Black Widows are at it again. This week two guys from Belgrano went to a bar, met two girls, thought they were getting lucky and brought them back to their place. They woke up twelve hours later with the worst hangover ever, only to find that their apartment had been ransacked. Apparently the two girls had slipped some roofies in their drinks and stole everything while they were out. And the worst part: they didn’t even get to second base! So next time you go to Hype, or Puerta Roja or Magdalena’s Party, or one of those expat sanctuaries, keep in mind that someone may be trying to use the date-rape pill on you. You’ve been warned.

• Tsk-tsk! You’ve got some explaining to do, Argentina! The DAIA umbrella organization for Argentina’s Jewish community published their 2010 Report on Anti-Semitism in the country and it turns out that, out of 1500 people, 82 percent believe that Jewish people are only interested in doing good business, 50 percent said they are more loyal to Israel than Argentina and 25 percent of them accuse Judaism of killing Jesus. Yikes! What is wrong with you people!

• The yearly pilgrimage to the Luján Basilica took place last Sunday, with thousands of catholic followers walking from Liniers to Luján (a 70 km. walk) to thank Our Lady of Luján for helping them with their problems or to ask her for a job. It is an intense religious experience, in which the collective spirituality of the pilgrims takes them into a hypnotic trance for an entire day. Or, as a friend of mine put it, “its not technically a trance, it’s called heat exhaustion and dehydration from walking 70km. in 24 hours.”

• This week in stupid: a 17-year old robber was arrested in La Plata this week after he broke into a sporting goods store and, instead of escaping with the merchandise, he decided to use the store’s computer to check his Facebook profile. That’s right people, he was caught playing Farmville.

• The qualifiers for the 2014 World Cup begin today (three years before…geez. How can anyone like this sport and the lie that it is, is beyond me) and Lionel Messi has already warned that the team’s first opponent (Chile) is a “very difficult opponent.” Which means he already knows they’ll lose. Yeah, I’m predicting they’ll lose. That’s alright though, if they win I’ll just come here and delete the whole thing before anyone notices.

• Like I said, they won.

• Oh and please, spare me the hate mail sparked by my anti-football statements. I’ve heard everything you had to say and I still don’t like it.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

Billions of people around the world are outraged at the local version of the popular variety hour “Dancing with the Stars” after Cinthia Fernández’s latest “wardrobe malfunction” (which, of course, I’m sure it malfunctioned just as planned) again managed to scar the entire Argentine population last night.

You see, this week was all about “strip dancing” (not to be confused with last month’s “pole dancing,” which is also strip dancing but with a pole involved. Come on people!), so millions tuned in on Monday night for their regular dose of voluntary outrage and self-loathing.

The thing is, as “actress” and “dancer” Cinthia Fernández (whose on-screen accomplishments include… oh, never mind) reached the end of her act, which included a very tasteful combination of Greek mythology and wine, her g-string “malfunctioned” and, well, it fell off, leaving viewers exposed to a full frontal shot of her very clean vagina.

Clearly no one thinks of the children anymore.

A few minutes after the incident, the Twitterverse exploded (and we all know, Twitter mirrors reality), with the top three trending topics in Argentina being #CONCHA (pussy vagina), #CinthiaFernández and #LaConchaDeCinthiaFernandez (Cinthia Fernández’s pussy vagina).

You gotta give it to the tweeps for subtlety and originality.

So when you expats wake up today and go all “hey, what’s with all this talk about vagina man?”, this is the reason. This is the story of the week.

Most married couples in the country didn’t have sex last night. Women were too depressed for not having Cinthia’s perfect body and men were too depressed for not having a wife who has Cinthia’s perfect body.

I’m sure Cinthia had no problem getting laid though.

Contact Adrian at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And spring is finally here! Well, actually Spring is already over since we hit the 27°C mark this week, meaning we officially crossed over to summer. And this means that come January we will all be melting like a gremlin.

So before the Earth is scorched by global warming (you know, as demonstrated by this video) this is what you need to know.

(Oh, and by the way: yes. I just spoiled the ending of that horrendous movie “Knowing” for you. Don’t worry, I saved you the trouble of having to sit through that abortion of a film for two seemingly endless hours and showed you the only cool thing about it, which is Nicolas Cage exploding in a million pieces).

• President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner activated Atucha II this week, Argentina’s third nuclear reactor and said she was proud of the country’s “peaceful nuclear energy program” because “unlike other countries” (meaning the US), no Argentine scientist had ever used their knowledge to kill people. Well, technically she’s right, since the scientists that Peron secretly hired in the 50′s in order to develop a nuclear weapon were not Argentine. They were German Nazis.

• The President also announced that she had greenlit a project to build Atucha III, making that the fourth nuclear reactor in Argentina. And since its safe, clean energy, why not? I mean, what could possibly go wro…- oh shit.

• It was Picket-palooza® this week! That’s right, I registered the name, so what? Two million 1500 protesters from over 50 different organizations gathered outside the Social Development Ministry building (you know, the one with the big-ass Evita sign) and blocked the 9 de Julio Av. on Wednesday asking for so much stuff that no one really understood what they wanted. Oh well.

• Horror! Last Monday morning the country’s paranoid fears of an alien invasion took over the population when “a mysterious explosion” in the city of Monte Grande awoke the entire neighborhood in the middle of the night. The explosion left one person dead, eight injured and several homes and cars in ruins. But the situation got worse when one witness presented a strange photograph of what looked like a meteor falling from the sky. The media was all over this, contacting astronomers, ufologists and even NASA in order to prove that the unidentified men who were seen in hazmat suits going through the scene “measuring stuff” were in fact part of a global cover-up that is keeping us from realizing that the aliens are taking over the planet. Even more suspicious was the fact that a spokesman for the fire department approached the cameras and was all “Guys, guys! It was just a pizza oven!” and had the guy who took the mysterious photograph probed and disintegrated arrested.

• Are you aware of the Good Samaritan Law? It’s a piece of legislation present in several countries that says that if you see a person in distress you have to help them or you could actually be accused of abandonment. Well, it’s a good thing it doesn’t exist in Argentina, or most of the people crossing the street in this video would be sentenced to life in prison. Well at least they didn’t point and laugh.

• And speaking of videos that are funny because they show stuff that didn’t happen to you, here’s another one showing why you should be very careful when your car breaks down on a highway in Buenos Aires.

• Remember when you were in High School and you hated your principal, and you were all like “Oh man, I hate the principal, he’s such and asshole” and stuff, and you kept telling your class mates that you would love to beat him up because he deserved it? Well, this week someone actually did it and honestly it doesn’t feel that good. In fact, it shows that the asshole was probably you. So now teachers in the Buenos Aires province are outraged and have called a strike for next week, out of security concerns. So… not to say “I told you so” or anything, but when this video of some students lighting their teacher’s hair on fire went viral in 2008, I guess they should have seen it coming. Just saying.

• There’s a new mall in Recoleta, right across the street from the cemetery!
  

  "Meh," is what you probably said after visiting Evita's tomb. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  So now when you get depressed after seeing how disappointingly plain Evita’s tomb is, you can go across the street and get a new pair of overpriced jeans so you can feel better. Fun!

• Also, here’s the trailer for a new animated feature film about Evita. Propaganda for kids? Infotainment for adults? Honestly, I don’t give a shit.

• Uh-oh! Lovable Carlos Tevez is in biiiiiig trouble after his refusal to come on as a sub against Bayern Munich on Tuesday night. Now the FIFA is actually considering and even harsher punishment. How could anybody hate that guy is something I’ll never understand.

• And finally: Argentina’s national football team played against Brazil this week and lost 2-0. I will assume Alejandro Sabella, the new coach, has been beheaded by now.

It’s Friday again!

And it’s officially Spring! The bees are buzzing and the flowers are blossoming. Love is in the air, teenagers are horny and we can go back to wearing a t-shirt in those lovely evenings when it’s not too cold nor too hot. Now it’s safe to pass out on the curb in front of some Palermo bar at 5 in the morning without being in danger of catching pneumonia. And with the citywide celebrations that took place on Wednesday, the Porteños welcomed the new season with open arms.

Yeah, no.

Scrap all that, it’s still fucking cold outside.

And this is what you need to know:

• 

  Let's all celebrate Spring by staying at home! It's fucking cold outside, it what I'm trying to say.. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Remember last week, when I warned that President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner was going to New York to pretend she’s one of the characters in “Sex and the City”? Well, here’s some more evidence that I’m absolutely awesome: the Argentine press was outraged this week, after the respectable New York Post newspaper (owned by media mogul and James Bond villain Rupert Murdoch) assured that she had spent $100,000 in shoes. So I guess she has a shoe fetish, just like Carrie Bradshaw! But is this story true? It is, according to the opposition, and it’s not, according to the government. In the end, you believe what you want to believe and ignore the facts. You know, like religion.

• Also, in less important news, Argentina may pretty soon be going to war with the UK.

• Haha! I’m kidding of course! It may actually take a couple of years to happen. But yeah, it seems that it will happen since, while addressing the UN General Assembly (yes, here’s a link for that, my politically challenged friend), she threatened to suspend all flights leaving from Argentina to the Malvinas Islands if the British government didn’t engage in sovereignty talks. The planes, which leave from Chile, have to make a mandatory stop on Argentine territory, and they have been flying to the islands since 1999 after both countries signed a bilateral accord. I hear that the three people who were actually planning on going there for their summer vacations are devastated. Devastated, I tell you!

• Also during her speech the President expressed her support for the creation of a Palestine state. And Israel, of course, was all like “Oh, no you didn’t!” and stuff. But don’t worry though! Because no Palestine state will be created until Benjamin Netanyahu decides so. Which means never.

• Yes, I just made a pro-Palestine statement. I’m a liberal, deal with it. So before you start calling me an anti-semite, I will beat you to the punch and call you an idiot for not understanding a thing about international politics and for suggesting that my criticism towards a conservative asshole who said the 9/11 attacks “were good because they would generate sympathy for Israel” is in fact my way of saying that the Holocaust never happened. Ooga-booga!

• Oh, and going back to the Malvinas/Falklands, South Korea is pissed with the UK because the British insist on referring to their East Sea as “Sea of Japan” even though Koreans have asked them to stop. So in a bold, mature move, South Korea has announced it will stop using the name “Falklands” and instead refer to the islands as “Malvinas”. Yeah. I’m sure now they’ll change their minds.

• Remember that new train that both the Uruguayan and Argentine presidents inaugurated a couple of weeks ago? A train that would unite both countries in endless friendship in celebration of the Latin American people and their unbreakable bond? Well, its first trip today was cut short because there was some “paperwork problem.” Or at least that’s what Uruguay said. So passengers were left stranded four stations before their final destination. You know when people like to say “It’s the ride, not the destination”? I’m pretty sure the train passengers don’t really agree with that premise right now.

• As the controversy surrounding inflation levels continues, a judge has asked for information on seven journalists from several major Argentine newspapers who he suspects have been lying about “real inflation levels.” The opposition is now outraged (is it ever not outraged?), and has said that the move resembles those made during the dictatorship or during Nazi Germany. Let’s look on the bright side: I don’t think they’ll ever come for me for writing this bullshit, so it’s all good.

• You know when you say you’re gonna grab “a quick bite” at Mc. Donald’s and your friends are all like “Don’t! That shit’s gonna kill you!” and stuff? They may actually have a point.

• Spring celebrations are finally here! Well at least in theory! Because now
  

  Mc Donald's may have found a faster way to kill people. Stay alert. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  thanks to Climate Change we can’t really be sure of what season we’re in. This, of course, doesn’t mean we can’t go into the Palermo parks and get drunk, get high, and stab someone in the stomach. Because everyone knows that it ain’t Spring until someone gets stabbed in the stomach.

• If you’re one of those assholes who decide to drive through the lowered level-crossing barriers with their vehicle when the train is about to arrive, your driver’s license will be removed permanently. Following the two tragic accidents that took place last week in the Flores neighborhood, the City Government decided to amend the Traffic Code so macho idiots who like to play The Fast and the Furious are punished for reckless driving. The good news is you’re an expat, which means you don’t have a car, which means you ride the subte/bus, which means you’re poor. So no worries there.

• This week in Maradona: Oh-oh! It seems that Diego has some anger management issues! As he was trying to take a photo with a flag his grandson made for him in Dubai, a friendly fan kept lifting to flag in order to catch a glimpse of his childhood idol. The brute neanderthal, decided to kick him in the hand in order to make him stop. The fan is now probably dead and Maradona is still an idiot.

• OK, so in all honesty the fan was being an asshole and he actually deserved to be kicked in the hand. But you know me, I really don’t like Maradona, so I’ll just spin the story in order to make him look bad. Oh, and don’t worry! All journalists do it. The difference is I admit it.

• The Pumas are playing at the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand! Yay! That’s all I pretty much know about it. If you want to know more, google it yourself.

• A finally, when a local newspaper runs a story with the headline “What to do if you run into a goblin” and actually tries to pass it as investigative journalism, you finally understand why journalism is dead.

It’s Friday again!

And you fuckers really should be thanking me for this. You do realize that I’m in New York on vacation and I’m actually taking a break from them so you lazy asses can be minimally informed about what’s happening in Argentina, right? And since I haven’t been in Argentina for almost a week now, it’s double the effort?

Of course you don’t. You know, the day any of you die you better leave me some fucking good inheritance or I’ll be very pissed.

Anyway, here’s what you need to know. Read it and beat it.

• That could be me in there, ice skating at the Rockefeller Center. Instead I'm sitting at some coffee shop, writing for you. And yes, I know it's summer in here. I don't give a shit. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  What the fuck is going on with buses in Argentina, man? Seriously! Tragedy struck the Flores neighborhood this week as a bus driver tried to beat a train and drive his passenger bus over the tracks, failing to realize there was another train coming the other way as well. The first train hit the bus with full force, killing several passengers and the driver instantly. The impact also caused the first train to derail and cross over to the tracks next to it, colliding head-on with a second train that was going the other way. The whole incident left 11 people dead, and over 200 people injured. And since I spoil you, I give you this and this, two incredible videos showing the crash, so you can satisfy your blood lust. You can then pretend to be offended because I implied you enjoy watching this, but the truth is you have already clicked on them.

• And I know they say tragedy strikes twice, but this is ridiculous: a bus, the Premetro tram and a cement track collided yesterday morning also in Flores, leaving 90 injured. The whole thing sounds like a lame remake of (also lame) Final Destination 2.

• President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner flew to France this week, in order to discuss “stuff” with her French counterpart Nicolas Sarkozy and (the real reason) walk around the streets of Paris while pretending to be Sarah Jessica Parker’s character from Sex and The City.

• Congratulations, Grandmothers of the Plaza de Mayo! This week in Paris the- ohhhhh, so that’s why the President was there. OK, whatever. This week in Paris the human rights organization was awarded a peace prize by UNESCO for “their tireless battle for human rights and peace by standing up to oppression, injustice and impunity.” This prize is considered by many to be an indication that the Nobel Peace Prize is next. These grandmothers kick serious ass, and I’m fucking proud of them, as you should be.

• However, in Buenos Aires, the Mothers of the Plaza de Mayo (not the be confused with the Grandmothers) are in fucking trouble, thanks mainly to a corruption scandal involving their former lawyer, Sergio Schoklender and the organization’s leader, the venom-spewing Hebe de Bonafini. Schoklender says she was the one encouraging corruption inside the organization, she says he lies. And since he was called to testify before Congress by the opposition so he can explain in detail everything that happened there, she also called Congress “a nest of rats and snakes.” I guess you reap what you sow.

• Remember the Candela case? You do? Congrats! Because no one else

  This guy with the horrible sideburns was actually president of Argentina (Photo/Wikipedia)

  does, now that there’s another case (the crash) that the local media is telling you you should be angry about. Anyway, for those still interested in the case, two more people have been detained in connection to her murder.

• Are you a celiac? Chances are that if you clicked on that link, you’re not. And if you are and still clicked on it, you’re dumb. Anyway, good luck for celiacs! Because the Buenos Aires province Legislature has made it mandatory for bars and restaurants to offer a celiac-friendly menu for people who are different from us humans. However, remember that the City of Buenos Aires is not part of the BA province, so no celiac-friendly menus for you porteños!

• Great news everyone! Remember what a fucking mess the River Plate football club was just two months ago after relegation? Well, that’s old history! I give you… the River Plate Club Ass-Kicking Arena and Super Fun Entertainment Center Complex! That’s right, that’s the official name because I said so. This potential 250-million dollar investment is about to become a reality if the club manages to close the deal with a small group of private investors. Because having a 5-star hotel with rich people trying to sleep right next to a huge football stadium filled with middle-class and lower-class people is the best fucking idea in the history of the universe.

• Former President Carlos Menem (you know, back in the 90′s when Argentina was still uncool) was once again acquitted this week of any wrongdoing in the arms smuggling case. So this guy, basically the most corrupt politician in Argentine history, has once again managed to stay afloat and avoid going to jail. So now Argentines are all like “This country sucks!” and “There’s no justice!” etc. But honestly, if you people were stupid enough to vote for a guy who looked like this, I say you deserve it. Just shut up about it.

It’s Friday again!

And I know most of you don’t really care, but this column turned one last week. That’s right folks, for a whole year I have worked tirelessly to make you losers a little bit less ignorant everyday. Thanks to me dozens of people have gotten laid, and hundreds of people have won debates, all thanks to the information that I provide you here every Friday.

So I congratulate myself for that, since most of you couldn’t care less about my efforts. You just hope for your pretty little column to magically appear every Friday, and God help us all if for some reason I fall into a coma and the Weekly News Roundup is not there. “Traitor,” “idiot” and “unprofessional” are some of the things I’ve been called by you, my loyal fans.

Anyway, as the warm, spring days begin to arrive, here’s what you need to know so you can make some small talk with the girl/guy you like and avoid embarrassing statements such as “So… is Evita still president?”

• I'm sure you won't be looking at the UN Blue Helmets the same way after this. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Unfortunately last week’s murder of 11-year old Candela Rodríguez remains the most discussed topic in the local media. And since no one has any idea as to why she was killed, we journalists are scrambling to cover every possible motive. It’s a lame thing to watch, honestly. It’s like a life-size game of Clue in which the only loser is common sense. So, if you’re really interested in everything we know, take a deep breath and read on:

1. She may have been killed by people involved in human trafficking.
2. She may have been killed by drug dealers.
3. She may have been killed as revenge against her father, who’s in prison over a truck theft that took place a few years ago.
4. She may have been the victim of a mysterious religious ritual gone wrong.
5. She may have been the victim of a kidnapping case gone wrong.
6. She may have been killed by a random psycho who just felt like killing her.
7. After the police raided several properties in the Greater Buenos Aires area, authorities assured they had found the place where she was being held captive and arrested five people who were seen in that place.
8. A sixth suspect was arrested after a witness, whose identity remained unknown for safety reasons, accused him of being the one who actually murdered the girl. He also accused the other five suspects of being involved.
9. The witness assured that “by mere coincidence” he was walking around the neighborhood when he saw: the girl being grabbed, the girl being moved into another house, the girl being fed, the girl asking for help, the girl trying to escape, the girl being moved again, the girl being killed.
10. He even saw that the sixth suspect “had a long, dark hair hanging from one of his fingernails.”
11. No, all that was not a joke. The witness is really saying that.
12. The transcript of the witness’ statement was leaked to the press, and it says things such as “I could hear the girl scratching on the other side of my bedroom wall.” Which means now everyone knows who the protected witness is, or at least where he lives. So much for witness protection! Great work everyone.
13. So you draw your own conclusions now.

• Uruguay is dealing with their own PR mess right now, after someone leaked a video of several Uruguayan blue helmets that can be seen raping an 18-year old Haitian boy (yes, there’s a video) in Port-au-Prince. The soldiers apparently said it was just “a case of male bonding.” Really? Wow. I mean, I’m all down for a little bromance but when you start having sex with your friends, to me that’s a little suspicious.

• Remember the Sol Airlines plane that went down in Rio Negro last May, killing 22? (of course you don’t, but humor me). Well, investigators finally managed to listen to the conversation between the pilots a few seconds before the plane went down, and the pilot can be heard saying ““Why do you think this plane is falling so much? It is not fit for this route, but they don’t want to understand.” Oops! (“Oops!” as in “lawsuit,” that is).

• This week in gay: two military officers have been cleared by the Argentine

  Are you getting Netflix? Get ready to watch Critters 4 over and over again! That's pretty much the best thing they have. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Army to become the first military gay couple to wed. And so far, the world hasn’t ended.

• Are you, by any chance, one of the few losers who decided to pay $40 in order to sign up for Netflix Argentina? Congratulations! Also, I hope you enjoy watching “Dances with Wolves” or any of the other old movies that the service provides. Me, I’ll go join the cool crowd and watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 on Cuevana. Sure, the FBI may soon raid my home due to copyright violations, but at least I won’t be caught watching crappy cinema. By the way, pirating movies is wrong.

• If no one is going to say it, I will, since everyone is thinking it anyway: Chilean President Sebastian Piñera is bad luck. Ever since he was elected, Chile has gone through: a devastating earthquake, a ravaging tsunami, the drama of the Chilean miners, a train crash, deadly student protests and the latest addition to this string of calamities is a plane crash in which many people were killed, including beloved TV show host Felipe Camiroaga. Seriously, just quit dude. No one will blame you. If anything, they’ll thank you. Just a thought.

• So, now that Argentina is on a roll and the US is going down in flames… it’s PAYBACK TIME! So Nobel Peace Prize winner Adolfo Perez Esquivel decided to send US President Barack Obama a “friendly letter” in which he says Latin America “will be there to help” when America defaults and pretty much goes to shit. He also says he will be available for consult when the IMF tries to fuck up the entire country. Such a nice guy, he is! So thoughtful and considerate! Too bad Obama didn’t even receive/care about the letter.

• President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner announced this week she would once again increased child benefits by 22% for children whose parents remain unemployed. The only condition for the parents to get the money is that their kids remain in school. This is a huge fucking deal, unless you live in the US, where Republicans say this is socialism/communism/Nazism/pedophilia.

• And the award for stupid people of the week goes to… the Subte workers! You know, those assholes who are always complaining about everything, keep going on strike, make 7000 pesos a month and still complain some more. Well, their little game may be over after their complaints went too far this week. If you were ever one of those people who suffered the lack of coins and always had to go to a kiosco or a supermarket in order to get change, you are one of those who welcomed the SUBE system with open arms. This magnetic card also made the Subte workers a lot happier since they didn’t have to yell at customers for not having any change. But, alas! Nothing ever works for these people. Last week they went on strike again because they say that topping up the magnetic SUBE cards gives them tendinitis. Even the President, who’s usually Union-friendly, told them to shut the fuck up and get back to work. So if you’re wondering what the meme of the week is, it’s telling your boss you have tendinitis whenever you’re given a chore.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And what a fucked up week it has been. In case you haven’t turned on a television or read a newspaper in the last two weeks, the country is enraged over the death of 11-year old Candela Rodríguez, a girl scout who went missing on August 22nd. and after nine days of extensive search over the entire country, police authorities found her dead inside a garbage bag a few blocks away from her home.

This is the only thing the media is talking about. It has become obsessed with Candela’s murder and it’s a network war to see who gets the most shocking footage. They even aired the moment in which her mom was taken to identify her body and the nervous breakdown that followed.

So far no clear motive has been identified, and analysts have gone from accusing the family to attributing her death to a human trafficking case gone wrong.

The murder has also sparked the never-ending debate that divides Argentine society: while many enraged citizens demand for the reinstatement of the death penalty, many others reply that when you execute a murderer, you become a murderer yourself.

This case is not going to go away for a long time. People are already organizing demonstrations and with less than two months to the presidential elections, candidates are certainly (and unfortunately) going to use it as a political tool.

These are the facts, and everything you need to know. The rest is merely speculation by a desperate, ratings-hungry media that adds nothing to the case whatsoever, and out of respect for Candela’s family, I have no interest in repeating it.

Alright, now that that is out of my system, I guess I can go back to being the cynic, playful idiot that I usually am:

• 

  Uruguayan President José Mujica. You didn't know this? Wow, you're stupider than I thought. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Great news everyone! President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner announced last week a 25 percent hike on Argentina’s minimum wage, taking it to 2300 pesos (547 dollars), the highest minimum wage in Latin America! Unfortunately, it still doesn’t mean that you can buy an iPad. And even if you could, you probably don’t have a work permit to work here, so shut up.

• Hey, Americans! You think the passive war between the Obama administration and Fox News is bad? Then you should come to Argentina and see what a real Government Vs. Media brawl is. When Interior Minister Florencio Randazzo announced in a press conference that Argentina’s two largest newspapers had lied about accusations of fraud in last August’s primary elections and accused them of undermining democracy, one of the journalists present interrupted him and accused him of trying to silence the media. The discussion ended in a truly Argentine way, with La Nacion’s journalist Mariano Obarrio leaving the room and yelling “motherfuckers!”. Suck on that, USA.

• President Fernández de Kirchner and her Uruguayan counterpart José Mujica announced the return of a train service linking the cities of Ayuí and Salto. Too bad you don’t give a shit about this, because all you care about is taking the Buquebus to Colonia for a weekend.

• Did you think that after Argentina passed the Marriage Equality Law last year discrimination was a thing of the past? Wrong! A newspaper from the northern province of Chaco made the headlines last week after it was accused of discrimination when it called popular transvestite actress Flor de la V a “faggot.” De la V, originally from Chaco, had hired a surrogate mother in the US, and after her children were born, the newspaper ran a headline that read “Chacoan faggot Flor de la V’s children are born.” Uh-oh! Sounds to me like some journalist sent some flowers to a special someone and he never got a response! I guess Chaco is just like Iran. You know, there are no gay people there.

• Football fans were in an uproar last week after some media outlets dared suggest that some local players may have engaged in homosexual activities. The nerve! There are NO GAYS in the football world, you hear me media outlets? NO GAYS! It’s just like Chaco or Iran! Controversy began when a previously unknown transvestite Agustina Brisel (hot!) denounced on Twitter that she had had sex with über-masculine and absolutely non-gay former Boca Juniors legend Martín Palermo. She even posted a photo and everything! But fans refuse to believe this, even despite Palermo’s known to cross dressing in the past. And of course they’re right. Next thing they’re gonna say is that Cristiano Ronaldo likes boys. Rubbish!

• Everyone knows that even though Argentines pride themselves in
  

  Christopher Lloyd has ruined our childhood hero Dr. Emmett Brown by becoming a corporate whore. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  criticizing the United States, they love the breathe American pop culture. The Simpsons, Indiana Jones, Nike and Apple are the untouchable gods of consumerism and don’t you dare insulting them. 80′s movies are no different, so if you ask a local 20 or 30-something about movies such as Gremlins, they’ll tell you all about how they have memorized entire dialogues from the movie, oozing nostalgia. So it was no surprise that appliances store Garbarino decided to hire actor Christopher Lloyd to play his famous character from Back to the Future, Doctor Emmett Brown in a couple of ads. It’s mostly a cringing experience, but you can’t deny that at some point it puts a smile on your face.

• Legendary TV host Pipo Mancera, a man you probably don’t know or care about, died this week. Here’s a You Tube clip in his honor, that I’m sure you won’t click on because you didn’t even know who he was. Hell, I’m sure you’ve skipped this altogether and are reading about the earthquake below! No? Oh, sorry for the spoiler then. Well, now you know the next item is about an earthquake. Whatever.

• In yet another sign that the end of days is upon us, a 6.4 earthquake rocked Santiago del Estero on Friday, and it was so strong that it was felt in the city of Buenos Aires. No damages or injuries were reported, which means it was a totally boring experience. Still…repent, sinners! (Although you should know, however, that even if you repent, you’re still probably gonna die.

• And last but not least: India is said to soon be replacing their deities (cows) for a much more lean-looking figure: Lionel Messi.