It’s Friday again!

And first of all, let me congratulate you for visiting this column without needing me to provide you with a link to it via Facebook or Twitter. That means you’re growing up and you’re becoming increasingly independent.

That being said, I have some bad news for you: I’m on vacation bitches!! Yes, believe it or not, I am a human being who needs to decompress, and since I’m going to a remote ski resort somewhere in Patagonia, I will not be able to write the Weekly News Roundup from there.

You see, there’s no internet there, no cell phone reception, I’m not even sure there’s power! You’ve watched scary movies, you know how it is.

So while I’m being sequestered, secluded and [Insert scary-sounding adjective here] in the middle of the mountain, it’s up to you now to figure out what’s going on in this God-forsaken country.

Oh, and don’t complain. I don’t give a shit about your first world pains.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

Put on your Sunday clothes, kids (even though it’s Friday again)!

Because as of today, we may be welcoming several members of the US Embassy staff who promised they would check out this column out of curiosity, which of course does not put me under an incredible amount of pressure at all.

Also, they may have totally forgotten about it, so I guess we’ll never know.

Well, whatever the case may be, please remember that everything I say here is meant to be funny first and informative second. Oh, and also incredibly offensive. So please don’t have me shipped to Guantanamo, it’s all in good spirit!

Here’s what you need to know:

• 

  You don’t know who this man is, even though you should. So I don’t care how bad you feel about your ignorance, I’m still not telling you. Figure it out yourself. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Well, they finally happened. The presidential primary elections took place last week, and the result was mind blowing. I mean, first of all let me say that these were some atypical primaries, since each party presented only one candidate. This meant no one was running against anyone, a situation that turned this whole clusterfuck into one big unofficial poll to see how many people would vote for each candidate. The result was a jaw-dropping 50.06% support for the Fernández de Kirchner administration, a historic level since the return of democracy. The opposition, which clearly sucks, is now running scared since no miracle is going to help them change that result. Which means that the President has pretty much been reelected, even though she hasn’t really been reelected. Get it? I know, democracy is a complex thing.

• Speaking of miracle, remember when I told you last week about the Twitter campaign “#unmilagroparaaltamira”? Well, it happened! He got the necessary votes in order to run for president in October! Now let’s all crush him to death and humiliate him by not voting for him in two months.

• Fernández de Kirchner’s resounding victory, of course, prompted current Economy Minister and future Vice-President Amado Boudou (seen here looking vice-presidential and here looking like a douchebag) to celebrate the way he always does: by forgetting he’s almost 50 years old and jumping on top of a lot of young people who will carry him around. And the fact that I hate this guy has nothing to do with the fact that his girlfriend is super hot.

• For some mysterious motive that we may never come to fully understand, when everyone at the Fernández de Kirchner campaign headquarters heard that exit polls around 7 pm were predicting a landslide victory by the President, the Kennedy Choir, who was present there for some reason, decided to gift the crowd with their own version of Mary Poppins’ Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. It was a terrifying, off-key experience that probably branded several of those kids for life, and we should never mention it again. Ever.

• A long, long time ago, back when Argentina was still a country the first world didn’t give a shit about (the 90′s) there was a president here called Carlos Menem who many believe is in large part responsible for the 2001 economic debacle. Once he left office, he became a senator and people know he’s still out there somewhere, but no one really cares about him anymore. His name, however, has become synonym with bad luck, so whenever you name him or hear someone call his name you have you touch one of your testicles (if you’re a man) or one of your boobs (if you’re a woman or just a fat guy with boobs) in order to “break the curse.” So the media was having a blast this week after this photo, in which Menem is seen greeting the authorities at a polling station, and the man’s reaction is to “break the curse.” Haha! Old people are fun.

• President Fernandez de Kirchner welcomed Colombian president Juan Manuel Santos this week in his first official visit since he took office. Of course, all you care about Colombia is getting drunk on the beach and avoid getting kidnapped by the FARC. Things like the new bilateral agreements signed by both presidents in order to increase farming, trade and science developments… That… that you can live without.

• Just so you know, Mayor Macri has announced that he’s planning on raising taxes next year, and Domestic Trade Secretary Guillermo Moreno has cleared the meat and poultry industries to raise prices as well. Remember that time you were so desperate because you couldn’t get a work permit here that you began considering prostitution? Well, now would be a good time to start reconsidering.

• Haha. Aren’t you hating that it’s all politics so far? By now I’m usually talking about some new embarrassing video on the local version of Dancing with the Stars. Oh well. It’s been an election week, deal with it.

• Which reminds me: this week on Dancing with the Stars (heh!), the population was horrified by the lewd, disgusting and distasteful pole-dancing choreography performed by Mónica Farro, which many considered to be borderline porn. TV’s were turned off around the country as a sign of protest that night, and hours later, after everyone went to bed, millions of hormonal teenagers and unhappy, middle-aged men turned to You Tube to watch it again so they could protest in the morning once more.

• Remember Tano Pasman? That lovable football fan whose lack of anger
  

  Former President Carlos Menem. Oh! You read his name! You know what to do now. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  management sessions took him to a near-stroke situation in every game? Of course you do, this is the only kind of news you care about! Well, anyway. Not only he’s doing “twitcams” now every time he watches a game, but he also has a blog, he ‘s on every football-related TV show and even has a newspaper column. Is he overkilling it? According to The Simpsons, and that episode with the “I didn’t do it” skit, yes. He used to be funny, now it’s just sad.

• Now that gay people can get married here and the world didn’t end after all children automatically turned homosexual, like all conservatives predicted, there’s a new bill headed to Congress looking to grant identity rights to transgender people. So here’s a nice little campaign ad (with English subtitles) that’s certainly gonna make the heads of religious freaks explode.

• Remember last month when River Plate was relegated to the National B and hooligans pretty much burned down the City, so government officials and AFA directives assured the football club would be “severely punished” for what had happened? Well guess what! It’s been over a month and no one remembers about it anymore, so there’s no need to punish them. Yay, football!

• And here’s some piece of advice to all you stoners out there: if you’re going to be stupid enough to grow your own pot, or even worse, grow it and sell it, try to do it somewhere out of sight.

• 

  I looked up "elections" on Wikipedia and this pic of Afghans voting came up. Sorry. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Argentina celebrates its first primaries in 201 years! This Sunday, millions of citizens across the country will go to the polls in order to pick whoever they think is best suited to run for president. The funny thing though, is that most of the presidential hopefuls have no opponents inside their parties, so they are basically running against no one and the media is considering the election an unofficial poll to see how many people will vote for each candidate. So I was thinking of doing a profile for each one of them, but since this election really doesn’t make a difference and I’m feeling somewhat lazy, I said “fuck it” and decided it to postpone that for October. That’s when the shit really hits the fan.

• Not even a month after President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner announced she was going to be a grandma, her office announced yesterday that her daughter in law had suffered a miscarriage. The President cancelled her activities for what was left of the week and decided to travel to her home province in order to be with her son. With only 9 months since her husband passed away, this is not a good year for the President.

• No, you insensitive fucks, I am not going to joke about that. Period.

• Is there such a thing as, ideologically speaking, being “too much to the left”? The Argentine population seems to think so, since the Trotskyist “Worker’s Party,” which has been around since who cares 1964, never gets more than a couple of votes in every presidential election. However, these guys refuse to go extinct, and every four years they resurface out of who knows somewhere and bravely take part in the presidential election despite going completely unnoticed. Well, the Worker’s Party is desperate now, since due to a new legislation, all parties need to get the votes of at least 1% of the country’s population in order to be allowed to take part in the presidential race. And guess what, they don’t have the votes! So you can see presidential hopeful and scary-looking Jorge Altamira‘s TV spots begging the population to vote for him because he needs 400,000 votes in order to qualify. It’s all funny and lame at the same time, really! So many Twitter users have decided to start a campaign branded #unmilagroparaaltamira (“a miracle for Altamira”) in which they ask the population to vote for Altamira this Sunday, even if they don’t follow his party. See, they want to help him qualify in these elections, so they can crush him in the October presidential elections. So considerate, these people. It’s almost like overzealous American Christians, who staunchly defend Israel’s right to exist just so Jesus and his Army of Doom can destroy it on Judgement Day.

• Here’s one of the few moments when I actually do like football: when we men turn into the primitive cavemen that we really are and start beating the shit out of each other to defend the honor of some team no one knows or gives a crap about in some one-horse town. It’s also one of the reasons why I would never be a referee.

• And here’s additional proof that when football is involved, we really behave like idiots. Here’s Boca Juniors hero Juan Román Riquelme being spat on by an angry fan. Unfortunate, I know, but I’d rather be spat on than beaten to death, like that referee.

• The crisis in Jujuy is getting worse and worse as we speak. But don’t worry, I won’t bore you with the details so you don’t have to feel bad about it. People keep dying there, but hey, people die every day, amirite? Back to your lattes everyone!

• Authorities in the Salta police have announced that they are very close to solving the murder of the two French
  

  Diego Armando Maradona, not to be confused with Star Wars' Jabba the Hut. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  tourists who were found dead in the Quebrada de San Lorenzo. Seven people remain in custody and the murder weapon has been recovered, along with one of the girls’ cell phone and digital camera, which one of the suspects “gave to his girlfriend as a gift after he claimed to have found them.” Great thinking, you idiot! Ever heard of “getting rid of the evidence”? Ever heard of “CSI“? Guess not. I hope you didn’t hear of “Oz” either. You’re in for a treat.

• Cumbia singer Leo Mattioli passed away last weekend. He used to smoke up to 100 cigarettes a day, so no surprise there. Here’s one of his greatest hits. Enjoy! Or not.

• Dying to go see Justin Bieber? (No). Well, even if you were, it’s sold out already. Meh.

• Some idiot who seems to idolize Diego Armando Maradona named his new born twins “Mara” and “Dona.” Barf.

• File this under “Bad Taste” and “Low-class hooker.” Low-class hooker Model and “I’m not crass” girl Victoria Vanucci, known for her lame attempt to copy the Spice Girls and for sleeping with pretty much every media mogul available so she can be featured in their magazines because she’s got no talent other than that, decided to “honor” the death of talented singer Amy Winehouse by doing these photos, which she assures were taken in order to “raise awareness of drug addiction.” Let’s wait for her next shoot in which she is seen giving blow jobs to strangers in order to raise awareness of oral cancer.

• Man, being rich is tough. Not only millionaires have to live in Puerto Madero, a sterile, boring, generic, Miami-wannabe neighborhood born in the 90’s after the nouveau-riche boom, but now it also turns out that (probably communist) President Fernández de Kirchner decided to remove 300 of the 700 prefecture officials that were patrolling the area’s shady, dangerous streets where nothing ever happens in order to deploy them in the City’s southern districts where apparently “the poor” also need protection. I’m not sure what they need protection from, since they don’t own anything, but whatevs. So now the Puerto Madero residents are outraged. OUTRAGED, and demand that the government returns the officers where they belong. In the meantime, restaurant owners are chaining their outside tables to the floor, because they claim they get stolen (I’m not kidding). Damn, and millionaires in the US think they have it tough with having to pay so much taxes and stuff while the poor unjustifiably pay none? This world is going to hell.

It’s Friday again!

And I’m skipping the introduction, just because I fucking feel like it.

This is what you need to know:

• Should we give free condoms to sexually active kids? Conservatives say "no way", so I guess yes, we should. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Mayor Mauricio Macri was reelected last Sunday, proving that the City’s alleged hippie, gay-friendly, anti-corporate, left-leaning population is in fact bipolar, psychotic, masochistic and a closeted right-winger. Congratulations, you fucks.

• City lawmaker and equal rights activist María José Lubertino presented an interesting initiative at the City Legislature this week, suggesting that the government should start giving away free condoms in schools to students over twelve years old in order to avoid unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases. The idea, of course, made the popcorn fly off the heads of the conservatives, since A) teenagers don’t know what sex is and giving them condoms only raises their curiosity to fuck their brains out with each other, and B) teenage pregnancy is a myth, just like global warming. So here’s a video of Lubertino debating with PRO party’s paleo-conservative Cynthia Hotton (thank you voters, you fucking idiots), the Argentine equivalent to America’s Michelle Bachman. Enjoy and try not to vomit.

• The country is still in shock after learning of the violent murder of two French tourists who were visiting Salta last month. The two girls were found on the side of a trail in the Quebrada de San Lorenzo, and the local police are now working against the clock in order to solve this case as soon as possible, since it represents a PR mess for the extremely touristy province. A tragic story, really.

• Jujuy’s land crisis continues to deepen, but fortunately we’re not paying enough attention to it, otherwise it would surely make us put on a sad face. And we hate sad faces because they don’t let us fully enjoy our stay at the Alto Palermo Starbucks! So I’ve just decided to write a short paragraph about it, so we can sort of ignore the issue and let those people kill each other with us not knowing about it.

• Über-hot actress and model Rocío Guirao Díaz died nearly died this week while attempting to perform one of those painfully complicated dance moves that we get to see from time to time on the local version of Dancing with the Stars, whenever producers remember that it’s supposed to be a show about dancing and not family-friendly porn.

• See? You already forgot about the Jujuy thing.

• If you’re living in Córdoba, you’re fucked this weekend, because the province is holding gubernatorial elections on Sunday, which means no partying on Saturday night. And to those of you living anywhere else in the country, pointing and laughing at Córdobans, let me remind you that the national primaries are on August 14th., which means no Fernet con coca for any of you in nine days.

• The plot thickens! Remember last week, when I told you about naughty-naughty Supreme Court Judge Eugenio Zaffaroni and the recent accusations that five of the properties he owned were being used as brothels? Well, I’m sorry to say I was wrong. It was actually seven of them! The judge, however, continues to deny all the charges saying he was not aware of this since they were being managed by a real estate agent. Zaffaroni, a Kirchnerite, is being defended by the government, while the opposition insists that he must resign. But whatever, you don’t really care about politics, you just want to know more about the prostitutes! So here you go: I give you our newest rising star, one of the prostitutes who “worked” in one of the judge’s apartments (and probably soon to be seen on Dancing with the Stars) Ana Touché. Oh, and click here for a preview of one of her -ahem- “films.”

• Remember how outraged everyone was last week after the AFA announced they would be creating a new football tournament in order to rescue River Plate from the National B? Remember how tens of thousands of people were getting together on Facebook, assuring they would attend the “demonstration against the AFA authorities” this week, in order to force mobster Julio Grondona to resign? Well, only a few hundreds showed up and no one cared about it. Good job, everyone! If this is your way of “fighting back,” I don’t want to be here when aliens decide to invade Buenos Aires. Just saying.

• The world is full of stupid people, we know that. But I believe we should

  Britney Spears is coming to Argentina, since apparently she's still alive. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  come up with a new category of stupid for people who do something like this. (In case you’re one of those embarrassing expats who really don’t understand a word of Spanish, I will just tell you that the guy is asking TV pariah and monstrous-looking Ricardo Fort for a million pesos so he can open up a business. Now go away and don’t come back until you learn some Spanish, you lazy twit).

• Hurray! Football superstar Diego Armando Maradona, or how I like to call him, “the fat know-it-all who just because he was good at sports thinks he’s an expert on international relations,” finally landed in Dubai, where he will begin coaching the players of UAE. I give him a month before he gets deported (or executed) for drinking/drug abuse/drawing an offensive cartoon of Muhammad.

• OMG! OMG! OMG! You guys! Britney Spears is coming to Argentina for the first time! Remember her? She’s the one who went from singing innocent, catchy tunes such as “Soda pop” to performing songs about getting gangbanged and fucked in just a matter of months.

• And if that wasn’t enough to awake the pedophile living within you, this is certainly gonna do it: Justin Bieber is coming too! The biebs! You know, that lesbian looking nine-year old that is sexually coveted by teenagers and pervert adults alike. All we need now is a visit by the entire cast from Glee and the result is Argentina’s gayest year ever!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And guess what, the second round of the mayoral elections between Mayor Mauricio Macri and Kirchnerite Daniel Filmus is taking place this Sunday, so once again politics is out to fuck up your weekend. Yes, I know, democracy is a pain in the ass, but thank God we’re not living in North Korea.

So you know the drill. Get drunk tonight, and stay home tomorrow night watching some horribly dubbed version of 1984′s Romancing the Stone on network TV.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  City Mayor Mauricio Macri. He's responsible for you not being able to get drunk on Saturday night. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  The Santa Fe province held gubernatorial elections last week and socialist (horror!) candidate Antonio Bonfatti was picked to be the new governor, although cross-dressing comedian Miguel Del Sel, who was also running for some reason, came dangerously close to being elected. A damn shame, I say. Sure, his policies would have sucked, but what’s not to like about a governor who wears pantyhose and a purple wig? *sigh* I’m telling you, democracy sucks.

• President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner unveiled a big ass Evita mural on the Ministry of Public Works building that looks like a total rip-off of Che Guevara’s mural in Havana, Cuba. But who’s gonna notice, right?

• Supreme Court Justice Eugenio Zaffaroni is a man of great integrity. This week, however, we found out that five out of the fifteen properties he owns in the City are being used as illegal brothels. He claims he was “unaware” of this. Right. Just like that time I was “unaware” that the woman I was paying to have sex with me was a prostitute.

• Remember last week when I said that the government never, ever, ever resorts to police repression in order to dissolve a protest, unless it’s far, far away from Buenos Aires, where no one really cares? It turns out I was right. Again.

• Buenos Aires has officially become the city with the most expensive parking fees in Latin America, and I have no idea why this is of interest to you since you probably don’t own a car. Whatever.

• Finally, after a long, nauseating wait, the AFA decided to fire the Argentine football team’s coach “Checho” Batista after he failed to become the most successful coach in the history of football. Luckily, they have now hired Alejandro Sabella, a guy no one’s ever heard of (well, I have never heard of), to fill in his shoes. Good luck, Alejandro! Chances are you’ll be fired within the next 6 months!

• If you’re still wondering why I hate football, here’s why: remember a few weeks ago, when River Plate was relegated to the National B and all hell broke loose? Well, guess what: since being relegated meant no more superclasicos, no more matches being broadcast on television and a significant decrease in ad money, the AFA is now considering “scrapping the First Division and the National B categories” in order to created a new kind of tournament in which all clubs play against each other. The Argentine population is now in an uproar, since they feel cheated by the AFA, who is now changing the rules of the game in order to “rescue” River Plate. See what I mean? Football is a business first and a sport second. Put up or shut up.

• Hurray! The new Boca Juniors official t-shirt was finally unveiled this week! And guess what: it looks just like the old one! Of course, that doesn’t mean you won’t be spending half your salary on it. God forbid you’re caught wearing last year’s model while chanting your favorite football songs at the stadium, right? Remember that old episode of The Simpsons in which Lisa was trying to convince some stupid kids that the new version of a Malibu Stacey doll they were about to purchase was a carbon copy of the old version, and the toy company had just thrown in a new hat in order to make it look different? Remember how you laughed at that? Well, congratulations. Today you’re one of those stupid kids.

• Yes, the Simpsons video is in Portuguese. Sorry, it’s the only one I could find. Don’t blame me, blame You Tube’s copyright infringement policies.

• Well, it looks like this “sex tape” frenzy is spinning out of control. This week
  

  Current Argentine football team's coach and future social pariah Alejandro Sabella (Photo/Wikipedia)

  two “actresses” (quotes added on purpose) denounced that their kinky homemade misadventures had been “stolen and uploaded on the web by someone” (meaning themselves), a tragedy that is causing them much pain and grief, for which they have decided to go on every TV show available in order to talk about it. First it was former Big Brother contestant and current TV host Silvina Luna (probably our next Meryl Streep, as you can see in this video), who after this dirty tape hit the web she admitted it was her and decided to “leave the country to avoid the shame” (don’t worry, she’ll be back on Monday). The second was Andrea Rincon, you know, one of those chicks who are always on TV but you’re never really sure what they do. Her video is yet to be uploaded apparently, but don’t worry. I’m sure there’s nothing to see in it that we haven’t seen before.

• So far this year, TV screens had remained free of flaming, self-hating, closeted homosexual Ricardo Fort, a misogynistic idiot who thinks he is a better person because he’s a millionaire and likes to brag about his 500,000 euros watch in front of the poor. So when he decided to show up this week at Dancing with the Stars to support his “girlfriend”, he never expected “out-and-proud” dancer and choreographer Flavio Mendoza to embarrass him so much on live television that he’d freak out and try to beat him up on stage. Mendoza, who was just expressing what the entire population thinks about Fort became the hero of the night, and Fort is now banned from TV. The world is a happier place.

• Wounded, Fort turned to the only place he could make himself heard: his You Tube channel. God, just die already.

• I’m sure I’m forgetting something but I can’t remember what. Oh, yeah! The Copa America came to an end, with Uruguay claiming the big prize. Of course, since Argentina had already been eliminated from the tournament, nobody gave a shit.

It’s Friday again!

And despite some minor developments, it’s been a quiet week when it comes to funny serious news. The President hasn’t engaged in one of her loony stunts and crap presented on television has remained pretty average.

Maybe it’s the fact that non-sexual love was in the air this week, as millions of Argentines went out on Wednesday night in order to celebrate the Dia del Amigo (or “Friend’s Day”), a festivity that has nothing to do with the Jennifer Aniston sitcom from the 90’s.

Friend’s Day, celebrated every July 20th, is actually the day of the year in which you call your friends to tell them how much you love them. So yeah, it’s basically a made-up celebration in order to make you spend money, and the only day in which it’s socially acceptable for a guy to tell his male friend he loves him without being ostracized forever for being queer.

In other words, it’s just like Valentine’s Day, only there’s no pressure to have sex with your friends after dinner (it doesn’t mean you can’t do it though. You know, whatever works for you).

So this is what you need to know:

• 

  Badass Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner actually didn’t pull any of her crazy stunts this week. And that, my friends, is news. She did, however, left many scratching their heads last Wednesday when, during a speech in the province of Santiago del Estero, she pulled a “silence, please.“ Like, in English. A language she totally doesn’t speak.

• I’ve mentioned it before, but since your attention span diminishes as you keep reading this column, I’d like to remind you that Argentina was the victim of a vicious terrorist attack in 1994 when extremists blew up the AMIA Jewish community offices in Buenos Aires, killing 85 people. Seventeen years later, the investigation remains open, with Argentine authorities accusing Iranian government officials of masterminding the attack. Iran, who we all know doesn’t give a shit about anything ever, shrugged and refused to turn the suspects over to Argentine officials, straining bilateral relations since 2006. Until now! Because in an unexpected turn of events, beloved leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent a letter to the Argentine government assuring his country “was ready to cooperate.” Does this mean they will send the suspects to Buenos Aires so they can be put to trial? Of course not! But you know, it’s the thought that counts.

• Just as everyone (i.e. me) expected, Argentina lost against Uruguay and just like that it was left out of the Copa America competition. Tough shit.

• Of course, whenever Argentina lose in a football game, it’s pretty much a national tragedy, and the first logical step after a humiliating defeat is looking for a scapegoat, usually the team’s coach. Remember last year in the World Cup, when Maradona was the best coach in the history of the universe and then the team lost and he became a fat, inexperienced slob who had to be fired immediately? Well, that’s what’s happening to the current coach, Sergio Batista, who is now rumored to be resigning soon after pressure from the entire population to do so. Some people have even put up a banner asking for Maradona’s return outside the team’s training camp. Collective schizophrenia is what I call it.

• Speaking of uncivilized cavemen, after Paraguay managed to beat
  

  Current Argentine football team coach and future pariah Sergio Batista. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Venezuela in semifinals, players from both teams started kicking each other’s asses, because that’s what you do when you lose. “The beautiful game,” they call it. Haha! People.

• Great news, everyone! Argentina closed a deal with Blackberry in order to have the handheld devices manufactured in the country! Does this mean that they will now be less expensive and available for everyone, and we will not need to buy them unlocked in the US??? (No.)

• And the nude pics scandal goes to (horrible) actress Juanita Viale and her husband Gonzalo “Manguera” Valenzuela, whose cell phone was allegedly stolen and the photos it contained where uploaded to the internet by some ever mischievous pickpocketers. Like I always say, they are explicit, they are porn. They are not safe for work. So don’t go blaming me if you get fired or become offended by them. I warned you first. Besides, who are you kidding, you love this shit.

• So apparently Marilyn Monroe made a porno in the 50′s, and for some reason that film is being auctioned in Buenos Aires. Here’s the video, if you care to watch it. I should remind you though, that by 50′s standards, Disney’s The Lion King is dirtier than this.

• Remember how this government never represses demonstrations and let’s everybody speak their mind freely because that’s what democracy is all about? Well, I guess the Qom indigenous population in the Formosa province beg to differ because this new video shows how the provincial police beat them up furiously during a protest. Oh, I’m sorry! Were you one of those who actually believe that no-repression mantra that all governments around the world pretend to repeat ad nauseum, but when it comes to exercise it they fail miserably? Oops.

It’s Friday again!

And I’m in bed with a severe case of muscle spasm and high on painkillers so today I have no choice but to be brief!

Oh, you think it’s unprofessional to discuss my personal life in my column? Well if you don’t like it you can always try the New York Times. Besides, this column has never been professional and I really feel like playing the victim here.

Also, I’m totally high, so consider it some sort of experimental journalism.

Put up or shut up.

This is what you need to know:

• Painkillers. They are what I'm on right now. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  City Mayor Mauricio Macri obtained a 47.5% of the votes in last Sunday’s mayoral elections, leaving him 2.5 points away from winning the election on the first round. The President’s candidate, Kirchnerite Daniel Filmus obtained a lame 27.5%, which means that 75% percent are against the President’s policies. So now both candidates are headed to a second round on July 31st, although it’s clear that Mayor Macri will be reelected, and all of us will once more become hostage of all the bullshit comings and goings between the City and the National governments. “The President is a leftie! Mayor Macri is a fascist!”. *sigh* Idiots.

• See what I’m talking about? One day after the elections, millionaire and boring rock singer Fito Paez sent and open letter to the Kirchnerite-friendly newspaper Pagina 12, in which he said that he felt “disgusted and sick” by half of the city’s population who had voted for Macri. The backlash was immediate, with the media blasting the singer and branding him a “hypocrite” since despite his calls to end poverty and help those in need, he lives in the ultra-exclusive Recoleta neighborhood (which, at the same time, happens to be the area that voted for Macri the most). It’s a funny concept, this democracy thing. We are always ready to defend it and die for it, as long as it’s out party in power. If not, then it’s not worth shit and it’s “off with their heads.”

• Am I making any sense? Because I feel like I’m not. Seriously, musing about democracy while my mental abilities are impaired doesn’t really sound like a good idea, but whatever.

• The Argentine music world is still reeling from the death of popular folk singer Facundo Cabral, who was assassinated in Guatemala while on tour, apparently by accident, since the people who targeted him were trying to kill a Guatemalan businessman who was riding in the car with him. Fucked up news, since the guy’s life had been plagued with tragedies. So I’ll just skip the jokes and leave you with his most popular song here. Sorry, but I’m not that high.

• Praise Jesus! President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchneris back on Twitter!
  

  Singer Fito Paez. There's a 50/50 chance he hates you. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  After an eight-month break since the passing of her husband, the President decided to make her big comeback by announcing this week that she was going to be a grandmother. “God takes from you, God gives to you,” she tweeted. Congratulations Madame President! Wow, a widower and a grandmother? I don’t even see the need to hold presidential elections in October. She has so won this.

• I think I just saw a pink elephant fly by my window.

• The National Government finally opened the Tecnopolis science & technology theme park, which looks amazingly futuristic and cool if you live in 1989. I mean, lasers and bright colors? I looks like a cheap Epcot Center. I know, I’m sorry, but unless some cloned dinosaurs escape their cages during a storm and start eating the visitors I just don’t care about theme parks. Oh, and also, it’s located in Villa Martelli, which you expats probably consider off limits because not only it’s beyond the City walls, it’s also far from Tigre, San Isidro or Olivos, the only areas you care about outside of BA.

• Self-hating homosexual and former no-hit wonder Ricardo Fort finally came out of the closet, to no one’s surprise. I mean, look at this. And now look/listen to this. Still surprised? Didn’t think so.

• But enough about people who give the gay community a bad name. Let’s talk about the ones who give it a good name, like the 2,700 couples who got married thanks to the same-sex marriage law since it was passed, exactly one year ago this week. Congratulations people! And what do you know, humanity didn’t cease to exist! That makes me so happy.

• Say hello to this week’s viral video, starring femme fatale Veronica Christen, a (former?) model whose mental instability and deliriums of grandeur offer a one-of-a-kind experience. Here’s her teaching you girls how to pose in a bikini. And here’s her talking about her life. Whatever, you browse around her videos. Just promise not to touch yourself!

• And finally, the Copa America segment. Argentina managed to score! After two extremely boring games that had Argentine hooligans thirsty for blood, the Argentine national team managed to beat Costa Rica 3 - 0. Is this good news? Of course not! Costa Rica sucks! But it’s enough to help local football freaks pretend that their team is actually any good. I guess things will turn ugly tomorrow, when Argentina face Uruguay in a classic match that will surely spark a long bilateral conflict between both nations after the local team’s ass is kicked. The upside of it? I don’t give a shit!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And sorry to be a buzzkill but you better party hard tonight, since tomorrow night the veda electoral kicks in and all restaurants, bars and nightclubs in the City remain closed so everyone can wake up fresh and clear-headed on Sunday morning in order to go vote for the next mayor of Buenos Aires. Oh, and to all of you smartasses going all “I don’t care, I’m throwing a house party,” I should warn you that alcohol sales in kioskos and supermarkets are considered illegal after 8 pm, so if you’re thinking of getting drunk tomorrow, you better stock up. Now. Because tomorrow night is when Buenos Aires suddenly turns into Riyadh for 12 hours, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Of course, there’s the alternative of going out of the city (meaning Vicente López, Olivos, San Isidro), but chances are that you’re so lazy and it’s so cold outside that you’d rather stay at home watching old episodes of Glee (or whatever it is that kids watch these days) than going out for a drink.

Now that you’ve been made aware, here’s what you need to know:

• Buenos Aires picks a mayor this Sunday, ruining your life. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  The mayoral elections are finally here! And guess what: you don’t give a shit because you don’t vote. Or even worse, you do vote and still don’t give a shit! Either way, I suggest you do look at the short bios about the candidates I created for you. Like I usually say, you may not give a rat’s ass about politics, but that doesn’t mean that it has to show:

1. Mr. Burns
2. Droopy
3. Ebenezer Scrooge
4. Lex Luthor
5. Frida Kahlo
6. Annie Wilkes

• Are there any other candidates? Sure! Should you care about them? No. Basically the city is divided between incumbent Mr. Burns and Droopy Dog, who has President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner‘s support. So it’s very probable that a second round will be necessary in order to finally elect a mayor (meaning that in two weekends, you’ll have to stay at home again). The horror!

• The Copa America is finally here! And after months of intense preparations, rehearsals and ’round the clock practice, we all sat down in front of our television sets to witness one of the most boring, poorly-executed opening ceremonies in the history of sporting events. Here, look for yourself and I dare you to stay awake all the way through. And don’t even get me started about the dog that broke into the field during a match between Venezuela and Brazil.

• To make matters worse, Argentina’s debut against Bolivia was an absolute disappointment, followed by a second game against Colombia that was not only boring, but a terrifying warning that even Colombians were playing better than the team that includes Messi, Tévez, Kun Aguero and Mascherano. Since Wednesday, all you can hear in the media and on the internet is fans sharpening their knives, getting ready to murder their players en masse if they are left out of the race. So what happens now? Argentina need to win the next game against Costa Rica on Monday night, or you better stay at home that night unless you want to be lynched by an angry mob running down the street.

• Lionel Messi has gone from “God” to “traitor, idiot, useless, stupid, zombie, bastard, horrible, overrated” and of course, “not Maradona” in just a few seconds. Fans have been treating him so bad lately that his father even admitted today that he’s depressed and scared of going out into the field next Monday. After everything this kid’s been through and how badly he is being treated by his own people, I honestly can’t wait for him to say “fuck you all,” quit the Argentine team and start playing for Spain.

• And another thing regarding the Copa America: next time, when their creative minds need to come up with a mascot for the tournament, hopefully they will not turn to The Simpsons for “inspiration.” Here’s the Copa America’s mascot, a stupid-looking ostrich, and here’s Mr. Burns on drugs when everyone thought he was an alien. Your welcome.

• Meet Argentina’s new rising internet star: Mr. Tano Pasman, the quintessential Argentine football fan whose hilarious rant caught on hidden camera as he witnessed his team’s relegation has now become the most shared video of the year. Enjoy it here.

• The Puyehue volcano is still spewing ash and getting flighs canceled and shit. Whatever.

• In order to fight human trafficking, President Fernández de Kirchner announced that she was banning all sex ads

  Former God and current public enemy #1 Lionel Messi. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  in the classifieds section of newspapers and magazines (locally knows was “Rubro 59″). Congrats, Madame President! Sure, no living person has used that section since 1987 since everyone is getting laid via Facebook, but it’s a step into the right direction. Bravo!

• Great news, everyone! Netflix, the on-demand internet streaming video provider, is finally coming to Argentina! This means you will be able to watch movies in HD without leaving your seat. Although I should warn you, you need a flat screen TV and a high-speed internet connection to do so. So if you’re an average Argentine, odds are you’ll end up buying a bootleg copy of Avatar from that guy standing outside the Subte entrance and watch it on your laptop’s dirty 15″ inch screen. Yeah, sorry. Life’s a bitch.

• Oh, and remember how we celebrated last year when Groupon arrived in Argentina? Yeah, well, sorry but their website has been shut down by the government. Apparently they were caught “selling plane tickets” which for some reason it is not allowed. I blame the travel agencies, but what the fuck do I know.

• And finally: when I write this column, pop culture plays a major role in it. So if there’s something everyone is talking about, even if it’s not news, I feel compelled to include it so at least you’ll feel like you’re part of this twisted culture. You get to be made part of the joke instead of watching from outside. Considering the “sensitive” nature of this scandal, I debated between mentioning it or not. And you know what? This is what everyone in this country is going to be talking about this weekend, so fuck it. Here’s the warning: it’s a photograph, it’s 100% explicit and it’s dirty. Like, “Not safe for work” dirty. Porn dirty. Seriously. Some may even call it demeaning to women. Got it? Don’t blame me if you get fired. So if you’re easily offended, skip this. If not, then go ahead. Although if you think you’re easily offended and you’re reading this column your either a masochist or a liar. You’ve been warned.

• You may have noticed that #lafoto (“The photograph”) was trending nationally on Twitter yesterday afternoon. The Twitter world in Argentina had exploded with the news of a scandalous photograph showing “actress” and Dancing with the Stars sweetheart Silvina Escudero in a “controversial” situation. A few minutes later, gossip shows on every major network, radio shows and online papers such as Clarin and Pagina 12 followed, all covering the same story and showing the photo. Well, what happened is that apparently Escudero’s digital camera had been stolen, and the thieves, not satisfied with robbing her, decided to ruin her career by posting a certain photograph they found in it. Argentine media, which truly doesn’t give a fuck about anything anymore, decided to upload it all over the internet so you can “condemn it yourself.” So here, I give you three versions, edited differently by every newspaper in order for you to “condemn” it yourself:

• Photo #1 - Heavily censored. Suggestive.
• Photo #2 - Funnily censored (honestly, it’s very funny). Explicit.
• Photo #3 - Uncensored. 100% explicit.

• See, that wasn’t so bad! I mean, this is what she regularly does on Dancing with the Stars every week, so if you were offended by that photograph, you belong in church, not here.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

MAYORAL CANDIDATE #6 – Silvana Giucidi

Name: Silvana Giudici

Occupation: Lawmaker

Age: 46

Party: UCR (AKA “the Radicals”).

Ideology: Center.

Running Mate: Claudio Augugliaro.

Pros: She looks like everybody’s mom so we can relate to her.

Cons: She’ll never win.

Superpowers: You guessed it: none.

Catchphrase: Honestly? I don’t know.

Nemesis: Probably the same guy who did Estenssoro’s campaign posters, because Giudici’s read “It’s time to change the face of the city” and features a horrible photo of her face. Clap clap again, smart ass.

If she were a fictional character, she’d be: Annie Wilkes, that crazy bitch from Stephen King’s Misery.

Chances of being elected: You really have to ask? You don’t even care!

MAYORAL CANDIDATE #5 - MARÍA EUGENIA ESTENSSORO

Name: María Eugenia Estenssoro

Occupation: Latin American painter. Senator.

Age: 53

Party: Coalición Cívica (Civic Coalition)

Ideology: Center-right.

Running Mate: Fernando Sánchez. Whoever that is.

Pros: She looks like Frida Kahlo.

Cons: She was born in Bolivia, for which many people use her immigrant status to attack her and brand her as an “unworthy” candidate.

Superpowers: None, but wouldn’t it be cool if she had some?

Catchphrase: “I may be Bolivian, but…”

Nemesis: Her campaign manager, who thought it would be “cute” for her campaign posters to read “Tengo un sueño entre ceja y ceja.” The Spanish expression “entre ceja y ceja” is used when you want to say you’re obsessed with something. Too bad that it means “between my eyebrows.” So her campaign slogan is literally “I have a dream between my eyebrows.” Clap clap clap, smartass.

If she were a fictional character, she’d be: Frida Kahlo, baby! Oh, wait. Frida Kahlo is not a fictional character. Bah, whatever.

Chances of being elected: Let’s put it this way: none.