Weekly News Roundup, July 13th.

It’s Friday again!

And the country is in disarray. Unionists are no longer under government control and there’s no more dancing in Dancing With The Stars!

What is the world coming to?!

Also, in my weekly mandatory small talk about the weather: we’ve been hit by a cold front that has left us suffering lower temperatures than those being registered in Antarctica!

So grab a latte, wrap that scarf around your neck and let’s see if we can make it at least one week without mentioning the words “Malvinas/Falklands,” shall we?

And remember this column has a Facebook page in order to keep you updated.

For now, this is what you need to know:

• 

  Former Economy Minister and bald man Domingo Cavallo. Not to be confused with Spanish Economy Minister Luis de Guindos who looks absolutely nothing like him. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner led the Independence Day celebrations last Sunday and gave a speech that had absolutely nothing to do with them.

• Two days later, she was apparently not having a good day. First, she picked up a copy of the Spanish daily El País, which mentioned the new austerity measures being imposed on the population of Spain and featured a photo of their economy minister Luis de Guindos. “Look at that bald guy,” she said. “I saw him there this morning, pointing at everyone with that finger and I almost choked on my toast,” she added. The reason for that, of course, was that it reminded her of economy minister Domingo Cavallo, also a bald, and his austerity measures in the 90s which allegedly led to the downfall of the Argentine financial system in 2001. But referring to a foreign official as “that bald guy”? Not sure it’s the right way to go. Maybe.

• Then she said she was upset because, as the criticism over the restrictions on the dollar continues to grow, she read on Clarín that “a real estate worker” had been quoted as saying that the activity was slowing down because of them (marked for a special reader who complained about my laziness to mark You Tube videos). Big no no! She of course explained that she had him investigated and as it turns out not only he’s not an employee (he’s a business owner) but he also hasn’t paid taxes since 1997! Awesome move, Madam President! You even mentioned his name and everything! I mean, we’re fucked because after this no one will ever want to talk to the media again out of fear of being persecuted but still! Good job. Here’s a smiley face:

• By the way, Spain was clearly not amused by her “that bald guy” statement.

• Oh, and the guy she accused of tax fraud? Yeah, his business has been shut down by the AFIP tax collection agency. The system works, people. The system works.

• Logically, the UCR party has accused the Government of acting like the Gestapo.

• You know, the Gestapo? *rolls eyes* Jesus, people! This is the Gestapo.

• Later this week Cristina gave a speech at the opening ceremony of the 2012 edition of Tecnópolis, the science and technology theme park that became a huge hit last year, and celebrated that the Conectar Igualdad government program had given 2 million netbooks to kids all over the country. Since she seemed to be in a good mood, she didn’t really pick a fight with anyone. Although she seemed to be slightly annoyed by a fan who was sitting close to her and wouldn’t shut up about how much she loved her. But overall she seemed pretty happy. So no controversy this time.

• On that same day, the CGT (the country’s largest umbrella union organization) broke into two pieces after Kirchnerites and anti-Kirchnerites failed to reconcile their differences. Unionists and workers, who have historically sided with the Kirchner administrations, now threatened that if things don’t change (inflation, insecurity, income tax floor) then they may have to reconsider voting for them in the 2013 midterm elections. In other words, the shit has hit the fan.

• Meanwhile, in Tecnópolis: this.

• You thought Cristina’s tantalizing dance moves witnessed in Angola two months ago would go quietly into the night and become nothing but a footnote in some ancient Argentine history textbook, didn’t you? Well you were wrong. And yes, I know her new moves suspiciously resemble her Angolan tribal dance. But in her defense, she was seen dancing Batucada, which is a style of Brazilian samba with African roots. So I guess you could say they are kind of related.

• Seriously, the Buenos Aires province is on fire and besides suffering a colossal financial deficit that has sparked strikes all over its territory, it is also undergoing a dangerous power struggle between governor Daniel Scioli (a former Kirchnerite ally and current traitor) and deputy governor Gabriel Mariotto (a current Kirchnerite ally and probably future traitor).

• In the meantime, Mayor Mauricio Macri was busy riding a bike in a tunnel. Yay, politics!

• And remember: the Buenos Aires province and the city of Buenos Aires are two different jurisdictions, so in a way Macri is completely entitled to not give a shit.

• Outrage! In what could be considered the biggest British affront towards Argentina, the Daily Mail is reporting that Che Guevara t-shirts have been banned from the Olympic Games scheduled to begin in London later this month. The local media - and by osmosis, the entire world population - is understandably infuriated at such a disdainful gesture which we all know is sparked by Argentina’s never-ending claim over the Malvinas/Falkland Islands sovereignty cla…- DAMN IT!

• You can now add the US and Japan to the long list of countries at odds with Argentina over trade restrictions fuckery.

• And speaking about fuckery and restrictions, remember last week how I broke the news about new Central Bank regulations that indicated that only Argentines traveling abroad were allowed to purchase dollars in cash? Well, scrap that. Because courtesy of the institution’s plan-as-you-go financial policy, local travelers are not even allowed to buy dollars in cash anymore. Now it’s only done via checks or debit account. Oh, you have neither? Then you’re probably not traveling abroad. Stay tuned for next week’s new regulations announcing that only people planning to travel inside Argentina are allowed to purchase foreign currency.

• What’s that? “I’ll cross over to Uruguay and buy them there?” you say with a smug look on your face? Not so fast, slick. As it turns out, the Uruguayans think the Argentine peso stinks too.

• And to continue with this topical stream of consciousness, speaking of Uruguay: sorry potheads! It seems that they may not be legalizing marijuana after all. After conducting a national survey, Uruguayan president José Mujica learned that 60% of the country is not really keen on dealing with your blood-injected eyeballs and acrid odor on a regular basis. Such squares! So he has said the measure may not be moving forward. Shame!

• Also, if you were considering crossing over to a foreign nation to buy money and drugs, you should know you’re one heartbeat away from becoming Tony Montana. Just saying.

• Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

• Oh, you haven’t been to a movie theater in Argentina since 2010 because
  

  Hey. You moving to Uruguay? Here, say hello to my little friend. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  it’s ridiculously expensive and it’s actually cheaper to buy an original copy of the film and watch it at home with your friends and/or family? No worries then.

• Argentine television finally died this week after “Dancing With The Stars” host Marcelo Tinelli declared that on Tuesdays the show will now be called “Super Tuesday” and the centuries-old tradition of dancing and getting naked for charity will be replaced by random antics and getting naked for ratings. So if you thought this show was demeaning and degrading before, wait until you see what it has become now. Watch this, and then reminisce of a simpler time, in which showing tits and ass on camera actually made it seem like a smart show.

• So who’s to blame for the dumbing down of a once-wondrous television program? The new reality show queen, spoiled brat Charlotte Chantal Caniggia of course, who has taken the media by storm and produced a whole lot of paraphernalia this week by being featured on the cover of almost every major magazine in the country. That’s right kids, she’s the only thing everyone talks about.

• Wait. Step aside, everyone! There’s a new member of the Caniggia clan in town! Alexander Caniggia, Charlotte’s twin brother and Wachiturro wanna-be, was invited to join the Super Tuesday party and dance on stage because, what the fuck, right? The charismatic - yet monosyllabic - stud maintained a proud gentleman’s composure throughout the whole segment while Tinelli struggled to carry on with what was probably the most uncomfortable interview of his life. Then after 15 minutes of a non-responsive attitude, everyone just pretty much began to make fun of him and his cultural differences because, as the old adage goes, if you can’t beat him, beat the shit out of him.

• OMG YOU GUYS!!!! Infobae has a poll - A POLL!!! - that let’s you choose which twin you prefer. Alexander says he totally hates football so I already know who I’m voting for.

• No anthropological study of the Caniggia twins would be complete without the incontrovertible input of God himself, Diego Armando Maradona. The former football idol, who became notorious in the 90s for his elegant social gatherings and upscale black-tie events (please tell me you clicked on that) was obviously consulted about Tinelli’s shindigs with the Caniggia clan so he could shed some light on the intricate puzzle that is human behavior. He replied with a resounding and utterly predictable “I don’t like them.” There, case closed.

• Oh, and I know you’ll be posting that photo of Maradona on your Facebook and Twitter accounts, pretending it was you who found it without giving me any credit for spending hours online looking for that gem. No, no, that’s OK. I’m not mad. I’m used to it. I don’t need your pity.

• News network TN, always one step ahead of us, has already come up with a piece wondering how many times did Charlotte Chantal have cosmetic surgery in her life. Investigative journalism is alive and well, praise Jesus.

• The Wachiturros, probably in a rush to milk that cow as much as they can before one of them is sent to prison for life for trying to rape a 13-year-old, were “inspired” by Charlotte Chantal’s genuine beauty and stupidity, and managed to capture the essence of their collective wet dream and turn it into a song. Here it is, in a Weekly News Roundup exclusive, their new hit single “Shampein Shower” (Champagne Shower, in Wachiturro dialect), which is totally not a rip-off of LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know it.”

• The Wachiturros were of course invited to appear in Dancing With the Stars for some reason this week (alleged rapist included), and this understandably made the mother of the girl who was almost raped very upset. Oh no, it’s OK. At the same time it made millions of kids around the country very happy, and we all know nothing is more valuable than a child’s smile.

• Oh, what do you know! There’s yet another hit song based on Charlotte Chantal’s shenanigans! These two cumbia-loving fine ladies - Jenny and Stefi, who I never heard of before but I’m sure as a duet are gonna go far - came up with an homage of their own and created “Charlotte Shampein,” another catchy tune that is also not a rip-off of LMFAO’s “Sexy and I know it” (or every David Guetta song in history). Enjoy!

• What are you yelling at me for?! I’m not the one single-handedly bringing the feminist movement back to a pre-Simone-de-Beauvoir era with all this Charlotte crap. I’m not the one promoting her hiltonian manners 24/7 on the TV screen or plastering the city with magazine covers featuring her very made-over face and discernible brunette roots. I’m merely trying to convey the importance of staying in touch with society’s pop culture, because you and I know that nothing will make you feel more part of this community than walking by a magazine stand and going: “Ugh. There’s that bitch again.”

• So let’s change the subject for a second and focus on the other strong pillar of society’s moral values: the football.

• Boca Juniors fans were overjoyed this week after learning that the immaculate reputation of undomesticated human being and La 12′s hooligan leader Rafa Di Zeo had been maintained. After being accused of being part of an illegal organization, he was finally cleared of all charges and allowed to walk. His peers anxiously waited on the steps of the courthouse and greeted him in the appropriate fashion of a hooligan: by hugging him and chanting about killing everyone who went against him while he was in jail.

• And last but not least: I warned you about this a year ago, didn’t I? I told you Diego Armando Maradona wouldn’t last long as coach of the Al Wasl football team. Guess what. I was right. Yeah, he was fired this week after a poor performance last season. So please, and I’m not even trying to be funny, can we all agree that he used to be a great player in the past and now he sucks at everything he does? Just let him retire somewhere where he can yell at kids to get off his lawn and smoke a pipe in peace. Humanity will thank you for it.

Have a great weekend everyone!