It’s Friday again!
And it’s also Friend’s Day!
That’s right, Friend’s Day. Another holiday that Argentina pulled out of its egotistic ass (and was later apparently imitated in some neighboring countries) in order to celebrate that if you ever murder someone, at least you’ll have one person there for you to help you get rid of the body.
It is also an awesome excuse for binge drinking and awkward phone calls to people you hardly ever see anymore. Although fortunately thanks to Facebook now you can just post some lukewarm message on your “long time friend’s wall” and never talk to them again, at least until the next July 20th.
The binge drinking part is still ongoing though.
So it’s kinda like Valentine’s Day but without the sex part.
Well, except for fuck buddies. Come to think of it, when is it appropriate to call a fuck buddy? Should you call them on Valentine’s Day? Should you call them on Friend’s Day? Should you call them at all? Because no matter what excuse, if you call them for a reason other than having sex it’s a terribly uncomfortable situation. But I digress.
Anyway, get ready for a plethora of “Friend’s Day specials” in every bar and restaurant in the country. Finding someone who wants to join you for them… well, that’s a different story.
So I raise my glass to you my readers, who I also consider my friends. Because let’s face it, the concept of friendship has been so watered down and diluted that who gives a fuck by now, right?
So remember to check our Facebook page to keep up with us and get ready for today’s column.
This is what you need to know:
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The upscale Recoleta neighborhood attracts millions of tourists every year. (Photo/Wikipedia)
President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner has surprisingly stayed away from the controversy radar this week, although don’t expect that to become customary. Maybe the reason is because she was in Bolivia signing some bilateral agreements with funny man and president Evo Morales, who we all started liking after this hilarious interview with Jon Stewart.
- Her mischievous antics on national television last week however, did not go unnoticed. So PRO lawmaker Paula Alonso decided she had had enough of the President’s abusive prerogative to address the nation on national television whenever she felt like it and decided to draft a bill banning what is usually called the Cadena Nacional (when the President addresses the nation by making use of all TV networks and radio stations). Because it is time to end Cristina’s attack on freedom of speech by attacking freedom of speech.
- Smell that? No, that’s not you. It is actually the city, ironically named Buenos Aires. Ha! Funny stuff in this country just keeps writing itself. Due to a series of union conflicts (what else!) and protests (what else?!), there were no garbage collection services in the City for three straight days. The City Government even considered issuing a sanitary alert in the metropolitan area due to the presence of rabid rats looking to score a piece of cheese and used needles and razor-blades just lying around, dangerously close to the children. As of today the problem has been resolved, but City officials have warned that those piling bags of putrid stuff rotting in the sun will remain on your corner at least until Saturday. In the meantime, the porteños were outraged and dismayed for such blatant disregard for the environment, and after seeing that the chocolate wrappers and empty plastic bottles that they indiscriminately throw on the street were not magically being picked up by the garbage fairy.
- Also, in garbage news: one moment you’re riding your bike through San Telmo, minding your own business and a second later you’re being run over by a bus after the driver “chose to avoid running over some trash bags.” That’s right, when confronted with a guy riding a bike and garbage, the driver chose to sacrifice… you. Makes you feel special, doesn’t it?
- Two days ago was the 18th anniversary of the bombing of the AMIA, a Jewish community center in downtown Buenos Aires, that left 85 people dead and over 300 injured. Argentine authorities have blamed the Iranian authorities and accused them of being the masterminds of the attack but they apparently don’t lose any sleep over it. In fact, they have now been accused of being behind the recent attack in Bulgaria, which suspiciously took place on the day of the anniversary.
- The Buenos Aires province seems to have averted the looming crisis that was threatening to sink the entire territory into a land of chaos… for now.
- This week, in our “Argentina is turning into the Soviet Union” special: remember how, as of last week, you could only legally buy dollars if you had to travel abroad and had a bank account? Well, not so fast my dollar-famished friend!
- Córdoba governor José Manuel de la Sota, who is known as the Argentine Joe Biden because of his gaffe-prone attitude and his in-your-face hairplugs, is obviously upset about these restrictions. In an outburst charged with brutal honesty, he denounced that buying dollars in this country is now actually harder than having your gender changed on your Argentine DNI. Don’t ask him how he knows this.
- Honestly, I don’t even know why you keep coming back every week to read this column. It’s so depressing and filled with despair! As the person writing it, I’m quite surprised I haven’t killed myself yet.
- God damn it, kids! Which one of you is this? Huh? I told you last week to refrain from emulating Tony Montana, but you couldn’t resist, could you? You had to cross over to Uruguay and be a prick. Read and learn people! This Argentine guy is under arrest in Punta del Este for accidentally killing someone with his car and has entrusted a friend with the noble mission of bringing over to Uruguay the $5000 dollars he needs for bail money. The irony? The dollar restrictions! Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time (or send money over, I guess.)
- And it gets worse: since he can’t produce the necessary money to get out of prison, he is to remain under house arrest until he does. “But he has no house in Punta!” you say? Well, he was staying in a fancy hotel and he is now forced to stay there. So not only he needs $5000 for bail, he will also need like $100,000 for the hotel which, as with everything in the Puntaverse, probably charges in dollars. The more money he needs, the longest it will probably take for his friend to be allowed to take the money to him. The quantum ramifications of such a destructive vicious circle are mind blowing, so my guess is he’ll probably end up trapped in that hotel room forever, like in some boring-yet-totally-twisted episode of The Twilight Zone.
- Did you get your SUBE card yet? If you didn’t then you deserve what’s coming, because you’ve had like four months to do so. In a press conference yesterday, Interior and Transportation Minister Florencio Randazzo announced that starting on August 6th, all those who pay for their bus/train ticket in cash will have to pay a higher fare (a minimum $2 for the bus and $1.50 for the train). The good news is that since public transport is so expensive now, you might as well just go back to taking the subte as you used to in the golden age of this expat sanctuary, when dollars grew in trees and there was only one Starbucks in all of Buenos Aires. Ah, times were simpler back then.
- Oh, wait. You may be going back to taking the Subte, but know that as of this week, due to a serious lack of funding, 20 formations have been taken out of service indefinitely, causing additional delays in all subway lines and effectively turning your subte ride into an unwanted trip to the sauna. Well, the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. So fuck it.
- And speaking of Starbucks, you probably already knew this because it’s
The good thing about having Buenos Aires overflown with trash is that somewhere inside those bags there are some US-made Starbucks cups. Consider it a treasure hunt that is kinda gross. (Photo/Wikipedia).
been making the rounds all over the news for the past five days, but Starbucks Argentina had to face a PR nightmare this week after a major fuck up by one of the unpaid interns handling their Twitter account @StarbucksAR. As the import restrictions continue, the famed coffee store was forced to purchase Argentine-made white, generic cups in order to continue selling their addictive brew. But, alas! Many in the Argentine population reacted with anger and disappointment as they were handed a bland,insipid white cup that featured no green mermaid, no “Caution: this beverage is hot!” warning, nothing! What’s the point of going to Starbucks then, huh?! WHAT IS THE POINT!? So as the dozens of complaints began to pile up, the PR department decided it was time to release a bold statement to the public to show that they remained committed to the best of coffee-drinking standards. The result was this tweet. “We are sorry, but due to a lack of stock some of our stores are offering Argentine-made cups and sleeves.” The national outrage was instantaneous, with the hashtag “#PedimosDisculpas” skyrocketing to the number 1 trending topic on Twitter in a matter seconds, and everyone accusing those coffee-drinking imperialists of destroying the national culture one coffee cup at a time.
- As the scandal made it to the front page of every news site in the country, the unpaid intern supervising the unpaid interns handling the Starbucks Twitter account decided it was time to respond to address the controversy with another bold statement that showed that the company remained committed to the highest standards of whatever works, and released this tweet, in which they apologized for apologizing. Ha! Interns.
- The good news is this isn’t an Argentine thing. Only last month the unpaid interns working for Starbucks Ireland fucked up too by asking the proud Irish men to “show their British pride.” Which is like asking the Malvinas/Falkland islanders whether they like to drink their mate with or without sugar.
- See what I just did there? I just mentioned the Malvinas/Falklands in what would have otherwise been a Malvinas-free column. That’s right, I like to live dangerously.
- If you were thinking of going away for the weekend by bus, sorry to rain on your parade but you’re definitely staying here.
- Wait. Is that the one you go to have breakfast and stuff? Oh, you’re right. I was thinking of Tiffany’s, which doesn’t even have a store here. Fuck it then, I don’t give a shit.
- And since we’re discussing PR nightmares, let’s talk Salta for a bit. Remember last year when two French tourists were found murdered there? This year, and on the exact anniversary of the gruesome murders, two girls from Salta who had gone missing were again found dead. The authorities are now debating whether it was a double murder or a suicide pact between them, since one of the girls had told her boyfriend days before that she wanted to die.
- Also in Salta this week: national outrage due to a leaked video showing members of the local police force torturing two prisoners a la Guantanamo. A great place to visit, that province.
- And in the world of football this week: not much to tell since the games are still not back to hypnotize the masses, but as the countdown to the insufferable nears zero, here’s a little video showing a crazy fan infiltrating a meeting of the board of directors of the San Lorenzo team and yelling at them and calling them traitors for something I will not even bother looking up. Enjoy!
Have a great weekend, everyone!
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Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono
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