Weekly News Roundup, Jan. 21st.

Well, it’s Friday again. And yeah, it’s the summer and we all know that most porteños migrate to popular tourist destinations such as Punta del Este, Mar del Plata or Pinamar, so everything gets kind of boring. We get to see prominent political figures such as Chief of Staff Aníbal Fernández go from this to this, and his nemesis, Civic Coalition leader Elisa Carrió, go from this to this. However, there are those rare politicians, such as President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner who keep going with their busy agenda, providing us with some material during those dreadful dog day afternoons, so here I am to tell you all about it! Are you ready? This is what you need to know:

• Yeah, it's the guy carrying newspapers again. You're welcome to ignore it. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  For some reason that the media is still trying to understand, First Daughter Florencia Kirchner not only joined President Fernández de Kirchner on her Middle Eastern tour, but she was also present during her mother’s meeting with her Arabian counterparts! Why, you say? Well, apparently she met with the Qatari Emir’s daughter in order to announce the creation of a “bilateral culture group” that would promote Argentine films over there and Qatari films over here. Brilliant! Except for the fact that I don’t fully trust their criteria. You see, Florencia’s films are depressing (she was a film student) and Qatari films… well, you be the judge.

• Did you click on that link to the Qatari film? You better have done because I had to do some extensive research to find it, fool! Do you have any idea how hard it was to find that thing??? I almost had to learn basic Arabic!!!

• This week in Argentine TV: Man, those Big Brother kids have some serious issues with their sexuality. First, teen heart rob and inexplicably famous actor Pablo Echarri made a surprise visit to the house. And even though the female participants were certainly excited to see him there, it was actually the bare-chested guys who were absolutely enchanted with his rough masculinity and giggled nervously. I mean, look at the whole thing and tell me it doesn’t look like the first scene of a porno.

• And if you thought that wasn’t gay enough, they were later asked to rehearse the choreography to Glee‘s “Singing in the rain/Umbrella”. Here’s the original, and here’s the Big Brother version. I’m telling you, gay orgy coming soon to your TV.

• Alejandro Patronelli finished first in the Dakar Rally Quad Competition, once again making all Argentines proud, just like his brother did a year ago. You know what? This was like a week ago. It’s old news. So whatever.

• Remember when lightning hit a swimming pool last week during a storm, killing two kids? Well, a third kid who was also in the pool and had remained in critical condition died recently. Pretty fucked up, really, so no punch line (and if you were waiting for one, you have some serious issues, you sick fuck).

• The Catholic Church continues to be on self-destruct mode, this time thanks to this asshole of a priest, who, while attending the Chivito National Festival in San Rafael (Mendoza), told the crowd that “violating the rules of their Christian faith would be 10,000 times worse than raping their own daughters”. Oh well, look on the bright side, at least he said “daughters” and not “sons”. Because that would have been kind of hypocritical right? Right?

• A hacker managed to breach the website of the Argentine Air Force yesterday in order to denounce an alleged cover-up of the government after a UFO crashed in Mendoza in 1985. “Do you know what happened on January 26 1985?,” the site read. Well, according to Wikipedia, nothing happened. And that’s where I get all my information and links from, so I trust that site. I mean, what kind of world would it be if we couldn’t trust Wikipedia? Anyway, I lost my train of thought.

• Freakishly tall Juan Martín del Potro (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Remember Del Potro? That frankenteen who managed to win the US Open championship and then took a sabbatical due to stress? Well, after several attempted come-backs he finally returned to the tennis courts of the Australian Open this week, only to lose in the second round. Sorry Juan Martín! You will quit tennis forever now, yes?

• Great news everyone! Plaza Houssay is the first public park in the city to offer free wi-fi connection to people stupid enough to pull out their cell phones and laptops in public. Try not to get stabbed/shot while getting robbed, you techno-losers!

• Man, you can call bank robbers in this country many things, but one thing they are not is unoriginal. Last Tuesday, the city’s Microcentro became absolute chaos during rush hour after a car was set on fire close to the Obelisk, someone called a bomb threat in a Mc Donald’s nearby and a bomb went off inside an ATM. As police presence was directed to those three incidents, six men entered a Banco Galicia branch and stole $3 million without firing a single shot in a Hollywood-esque move that would put Ben Affleck’s “The Town” to shame. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap. (That was me, clapping).

• You know how we know we’re fucked? When former drug addict and current pariah Diego Armando Maradona talks about the rising criminality rate and says enough is enough. Always a close ally to the current administration, Maradona used to say there was no reason to be concerned about robberies. But now, of course, his brother was mugged, and everything has changed! “First you get shot and then they rob you,” he said surprised. Good for you Diego! Keep trying and I’m sure you will soon figure out Argentina was left out of the World Cup, you douche!

• While we are on the subject, starting 30th April, and in some dumb move by the government so it looks that at least they are trying to do something to stop robbers, you will not be able to even carry your cell phone when entering a bank anymore. So as you enter the building, you will be forced to put your pretty iPhone in a locker / bag, or (even more dangerous) leave it in the hands of some shady-looking security guard. Good luck with that! Oh, and don’t worry about the robbers. I’m sure they will be busy stabbing/shooting people at Plaza Houssay.

Have a great weekend everyone! Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono