Yesterday President Fernández spoke at the South American-Arab summit about the colonial situation of the Falkland/Malvinas Islands and demanded a Palestinian Sate. She also angled critique towards the developing countries for leaving the economic crisis behind.

“A more fair and safe world will only be achieved from greater equality between countries and when true multilateralism is put in practise,” advised President Christina Fernández de Kirchner in one of the first speeches at the South American-Arab Summit in Lima, Peru.

With a strong appeal to change the world order she called out to the developing countries to take their responsibility and act to avoid the worst effects of the economic situations hitting a strong finish in the Southern Hemisphere. She advised: “The crisis will not be resolved in the medium or the short term”.

She also emphasised the importance of letting Palestine be declared a state and to be included in the United Nations, referring to the issue as “the big link between the Middle East and world peace”.

The president also made sure to draw a parallel between the Palestinian conflict and the colonial situation in the South Atlantic Ocean, stating “we know what territorial occupation means”. She urged for the last traces of colonialism to finally be removed from the region and pointed out that the UN’s decolonisation resolutions should be respected.

Yesterday, the Federal Court of Mar del Plata handed out convictions to 14 retired Argentine military and police officers, six of which were life sentences for crimes against humanity during the last dictatorship.

Retired general Alfredo Arrillaga, colonels Leandro Marquiegui, Eduardo Blanco and Jorge Toccalino, commodore Ernesto Agustoni and vice commodore Jose Beccio were all sentenced to life imprisonment for crimes against 85 people.

The former soldiers took part in a repressive operation which was situated in Necochea close to Mar del Plata.

Judges Alfredo Ruiz, Lidia Soto, Elvio Osores Soler and Daniel Cisneros found the men guilty of “aggravated homicide, illegal breach of human rights and political persecution”.

Eight other retired officials were also given convictions, including retired colonel Valentin Fortunato Rezzet, who received a 25 year sentence.

However, former police inspector Marcelino Blaustein and former deputy Aldo Jose Sagaste were both acquitted, sparking outrage amongst human rights organisations.

The Secretary for National Human Rights in Argentina, Martin Freseneda, called it “ridiculous” and announced his intention to appeal the judgement.

It’s Friday again!

And it’s been non-stop this week.

I’m not gonna lie to you kids, everyone’s favorite Shakespearean character and local badass President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner figures largely in today’s column.

And the reason for that was the “CFK spanks the USA” Tour 2012 (I came up with that awesome and original name so don’t steal it), which involved our beloved leader visiting three cities that together form a trifecta of erudite squares. And I mean that in a good way. These are scholars you don’t fuck around with.

You try and have a discussion about anything with a Bostonian and you’ll be lucky to end up crying in a corner.

But worry not, because while the President was away schooling the rest of the world on molecular biology and the season finale of Dancing With The Stars, things were pretty hilarious on this side of the hemisphere as well.

So like us on Facebook and then get ready for non-stop facepalms, cringing conversations, poorly photoshopped pictures and lots, lots of fremdschämen. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  This week, Argentines take New York by storm. Hilarity ensues. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  It’s that time of the year again. September arrives and with it spring makes a short-lasting appeareance, like a teaser trailer of coming events, and then the cold fronts return to make our lives miserable. Meanwhile, in New York, many get ready for the most important event of the year. A glamorous happening that unites people from all over the world, getting together in order to witness how a small group of select, cosmopolitan chosen ones deal with intrinsic social issues and scheme in order to achieve their ultimate goals. That’s right, I’m talking about the season premiere of Gossip Girl. Oh and the UN General Assembly also takes place, although people are less into that because it involves all the presidents of the world getting together under one roof to discuss politics, which is boring. Except for suicide bombers. I’m sure it’s like a wet dream for them.

• Although if you think about it, a politics edition of Gossip Girl could be television gold. “Spotted: CFK and Hilz sipping some lattes and shopping for some Vuitton on Fifth.” Look, I even have the poster for it and everything! *sigh* I should have been in advertising.

• No, yeah. Back to business. Sorry, I’m very disperse today.

• The week began with IMF head Christine Lagarde warning that if Argentina fails to put its affairs (inflation) in order, the organization will have no choice “but to show it the red card.” A football reference? Sorry then. I don’t know what that means.

• Anyway, as expected, Cristina flew to New York to attend the UN General Assembly and provide us mortals with the infinite pleasure of being lectured and reprimanded by her. Because Cristina knows best, and that’s just the way it is. Even if she doesn’t. And since I know many of you just don’t really care about all this and feel tempted to skip the politics part, I’m willing to offer you her statements in short form and long form so you can choose. OK? OK.

• First, this is her entire speech before the UN, which you will positively not watch.

• And yes, of course it’s in Spanish! What did you think I was gonna dub it? I have a life, sorry.

• TO THE IMF (long form): She condemned the IMF’s “red card” statement and said “this is a grave economic crisis, not a football match. My country is not a football team and will not be subjected to any threats. And if you compare football to the economy, let me say the head of the FIFA has had a better performance than that of the head of the IMF.” BOOM! Burn.

• TO THE IMF (short form): Fuck you.

• TO THE UK (long form): “This is a global issue. We don’t want you to say we’re right on the Malvinas/Falklands issue. We just want you to sit down with us and talk.“

• TO THE UK (short form): Fuck you but please pay attention to us.

• And the Malvinas/Falklands government tweeted back: Fuck you too.

• ON GLOBAL ECONOMIC CRISIS (long form): “My biggest fear is that if we can’t solve it, millions of people in our western world may stop believing that a democratic system can do it. If you look at the worst kind of totalitarian governments in history, they were all preceded by serious economic crises.” Yup. True.

• ON GLOBAL ECONOMIC CRISIS (short form): Either we solve it or Hitler returns and we’re all fucked.

• TO IRAN (long form): “We always complain about the UK’s refusal to talk. Now Iran says they want to talk. So we have decided to have a meeting with them. I expect concrete results and their cooperation in the investigation to find whoever was behind the ’92 and ’94 terrorist attacks.”

• TO IRAN (short form): Let’s talk but don’t fuck with us.

• Those were the most important parts of her speech. Congrats, you made it through.

• You think it’s over? Ha! We’re just getting started.

• In the meantime, not all was well in the land of liberty and over-consumption. As Cristina lectured the world on foreign policy, a storm was brewing a few blocks away from the UN headquarters. Outside her Hotel in Columbus Circle, a few hundred Argentines had convened, pot in hand (not, not that kind of pot), to protest the presence of the President there, even though she apparently wasn’t there. But look, there’s the Statue of Liberty, holding a frying pan!

• Now, I know that I’m gonna be called “a repugnant ultra-k” by the most visceral opponents to this Government, but don’t you think it’s a little contradictory to be chanting “Argentina! Argentina!”… from New York?! I don’t oppose any form of protests, but come on people, admit it. You need a PR firm to run your demonstrations.

• This actually made me laugh though.

• After her awesome dissertation, Cristina flew to Washington DC, where she would be faced with incisive questions by curious Georgetown University students who probably didn’t know who Cristina was until the night before and were just trying to impress their teachers.

• Relax, Georgetown. I’m kidding.

• Anyway, Cristina attended a ceremony in Georgetown and talked to students who anxiously awaited to exercise their power to do something most journalists in Argentina can’t: ask her questions she doesn’t like answering. Here is her speech, which is somewhat similar to the one she gave at the UN. And no, it’s not in English either. Figure it out yourself.

• And this is probably the part (the juicy part) you’re interested in: the questions she faced. There were some funny moments, she said that she always talks to journalists (which the Press Corps at the Government House quickly refuted in a press statement), they asked her about the alleged “6 pesos a day” scandal and the relationship with Venezuela and Paraguay. Everyone giggled, laughed, shared jokes and by the time it was over, everyone was satisfied. Yay, Georgetown!

• Oh yeah, and the Justice Ministry has pressed charges against “some bloggers” who created this. The Ministry considers it “incites violence” and it calls for the murder of a government official.

• Horror! Credit rating agency Moody’s, which for some reason is still in business after the 2008 fiasco, has decided to go “negative” on 30 Argentine banks. Now I know why they call it “moody’s”. Haha.

• Oh, shut up! Like you would have come up with something better. You know how hard it is to be writing this today? There’s so much stuff going on I feel like I have no material left. I got nothing.

• Regarding the “$6 a day” fiasco, turns out it was all just a huge miscommunication! Because the INDEC now says that you actually need 13 pesos a day “not to be poor.“

• What. That’s it. That’s the joke.

• Horror! Part Deux: Evidence of this Government’s tyrannical practices continues to pile on as everyone’s favorite yet non-affordable luxury brand Louis Vuitton became the government’s latest (fashion?) victim and decided to leave the country for ever. Or until Cristina goes away, whichever comes first. Which is kind of a heresy because we all know it’s Cristina’s favorite brand as well. However, it is not such an uninvited curse that is horrifying many, but actually the fact that a cosmopolitan and fashion-conscious newspaper such as La Nación ran the story on its front page by calling it “Luis” Vuitton.

• Let’s say you lead a criminal lifestyle. Let’s say you and your two friends
  

  After last night, Harvard University is now synonymous with dumb. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  decide to rob a lottery agent. Let’s say you enter the agency, stand in line and pretender to be a customer. Let’s say you pick pick three random numbers while the cashier enters the information, and as she gives you your receipt you reveal your true intentions, pull out a gun and demand all the cash available. Let’s say you get $400 pesos and escape. Let’s say you and your friends are so stupid that you get caught immediately and thrown in jail. Let’s say that God has a sick sense of humor and on top of that, on that same day the numbers you picked are the winning numbers and there’s a $900 prize you’ll never get to cash because you’re in jail. Let’s say this actually happened.

• You know those nights when you decide to engage in a little binge drinking with the guys but no one wants to be designated driver and you take the car anyway because, whatever right? OK, sure. I know chances are you don’t own a car in this country, but you probably had one back in whatever place you lived before getting exiled here, so humor me. Like I was saying, you go out with the boys and drink 300 bottles of Quilmes and then go back home all tipsy and inebriated and stuff because getting home fast trumps risking your life and that of others. And then… OMG you ram your car into another vehicle and all hell breaks loose. The police shows up, obviously to try and prove you’re drunk so they can get all your money. What do you do, hot shot? Huh? Well, this brave young man decided that he was gonna fight the system and in order to cover any traces of alcohol in his body he decided to drink a bottle of brake fluid. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures, man! And now he’s dead.

• OK, he’s not dead. But I know there’s some cautionary tale somewhere in there about drinking and driving. Give me a couple of weeks, I’ll find a better narrative.

• Remember a few months ago when Cristina gave a press conference to announce the new state-of-the-art technology that would allow football clubs to identify dangerous hooligans and throw them in the rancor pit forever? Remember how it failed miserably and couldn’t read Cristina’s fingerprint? Well it appears that despite that technical “glitch” the devices were installed anyway because, you know… we already paid for them, so fuck it. But, alas! The effectiveness of stadium security is once again being questioned after Boca Juniors hooligan number 2, some Maxi Mazzaro guy, managed to fool the machines by wearing a wig and sunglasses and even took some awesome photos inside the stadium. OF COURSE! HOW COULD WE NOT THINK OF THIS!? We’ve been beaten by the plot of a 1930′s Saturday morning cartoon. We’re doomed.

• Oh, no he didn’t! But yes, he totally did. Non-threatening tennis superstar Roger Federer decided to betray his loyal Argentine followers and stab them in the heart by taking this appalling and insulting photograph in which is seen happily, proudly (even mockingly!) wearing the enemy uniform (i.e. the Brazilian football team’s uniform). No one is really sure what this means but everyone totally knows what this means: a definite affront to the Argentine people, who are expected to go see him in December when he comes to play against former national hero and currently disgraced Juan Martín del Potro. It’s will be interesting to see which of the two players is booed the most. My money is on Del Potro.

President Fernández opened the way for a rare high-level meeting between Iran and Argentina at the UN general assembly yesterday by accepting Iran’s invitation to dialog.

Diplomatic relations have been tense since Argentine judges accused Iranian state workers of masterminding the 1994 bombing of the Jewish Community Center in Buenos Aires (AMIA) that left 85 dead.

Fernández said the bombing is “still an open wound” for Argentines and added that she “feels particularly committed to the victims’ families”.

The bombing on 18^th July 1994 is still considered the largest terrorist attack on Argentine soil. Argentine justice in 2006 considered the Iranian government as being directly responsible of the attacks and has asked for the extradition of seven Iranians, amongst whom are a former head of state, two ex-ministers and two ex-diplomats.

Despite these accusations the two countries have enjoyed strong commercial ties over the past few years as Iran is one the main importers of soy related products from Argentina.

Former President Néstor Kirchner, Fernández’s late husband, had already tried to smoothen diplomatic relations by offering that the trial of the accused Iranians be held in a third, neutral country.

Fernández also said Argentina “still believes dialog is a universal instrument” that should be used.

Her choice of words echoes another dispute Argentina has been embroiled in at the UN in recent decades in the Falklands/Malvinas conflict with the UK. Argentina has formally offered to dialog over the territorial dispute with the British delegation on several occasions, offers that the UK has refused.

Preface: in order to make today’s roundup a more sensorial, enjoyable experience, I recommend you use this song as soundtrack. Or this one. Whatever.

It’s springtime again!

And if you thought the season of love and sunshine was going to usher in a new era of collective empathy and intellectual enlightenment, then you are FUCKING WRONG.

Yes, it’s warmer outside. Yes, condom companies have been fast to plaster the city with “funny” ads encouraging the younger generations to have sex. Oh, and to use condoms while they are at it.

But no matter how much love is in the air, Buenos Aires is after all the City of Fury, as genius Gustavo Cerati once sang in his classic ode to this concrete jungle, La Ciudad de la Furia.

I know. You can’t listen to this song while listening to one of the songs I recommended at the beginning. Well, figure it out yourself. I’m not your nanny.

Anyway, people are nervous man, they are nervous.

As the pressure continues to build between two factions who, despite my friendly warnings, keep hating each other, everyone is on edge.

Maybe it’s just a sign of the impending apocalypse coming soon to a city near you, when on December 21st, 2012 the four Mayan horsemen of the apocalypse release the kraken on us and nations collapse under the terrible weight of a bunch of Twilight fans angry at the world because Robert Pattinson is an idiot.

Whatever the case may be, the air is charged with negativity and it is clearly affecting us citizens. It’s like in Ghostbusters 2 when that pink goo that only reacted to negative thoughts made everyone fight each other, remember?

No? Really? I’m sure you remember the part when the Statue of Liberty comes to life, which is, like, a minor detail in the plot, and yet you don’t remember the goo?

Ugh, you suck. Like us on Facebook and then go to your room.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  A typical afternoon in the park in Buenos Aires. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Cacerolazo aftermath: Yes, the people spoke last week. But the Government didn’t listen. In fact, many in the Fernandez de Kirchner administration seemed to double down on their stance and directly insulted most of the protesters by calling them “violent, racist, rich angry people, coup-mongers, people who care more about Miami than Argentina,” and even dared to accuse them of supporting former dictator and current monster Jorge Rafael Videla when he took office via a coup d’état in 1976. Smart move Government! This reaction has of course galvanized the angry mobs even more, who have already began coordinating on Facebook to organize a second, larger cacerolazo. So let’s take a look at the most prominent reactions by the Kirchnerite-friendly folks.

• Cabinet Chief Juan Manuel Abal Medina said the protesters were more concerned about what happens in Miami than in Argentina.

• Just like Abal Medina, Kirchnerite Florencio Varela mayor Julio Pereyra also condemned the cacerolazos because these are just rich people who care about themselves. Then he and his family hopped on a plane to Miami for some very much-deserved vacations. No, really.

• And he didn’t fly coach.

• Oh, but it’s OK, don’t judge. It was because he had promised his son he would take him to Disney World. See? So wrong of you to judge. And he’s right, you don’t want to pull a North Korea and have to deal with the corporate rage of Walt Disney.

• And finally, former human rights hero and current parody of herself Hebe de Bonafini said all those who banged their pots that night also supported a coup back in 1976 that left 30,000 people dead. Yes, even those who were born after 1990. I’m not sure how, but they did man, they did.

• Oh, and don’t think that those banging their pots were all level-headed citizens clamoring for a comprehensive change in Government policy either. As usual, there were those calling President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner a Nazi, those who say Argentina is turning into Cuba or Venezuela, and even those who cheerfully chanted, telling Cristina to “go join her (dead) husband.”

• It’s September 21st, which besides being “Spring Day”, in Argentina students also celebrate “Student’s Day“. In Buenos Aires, celebrations consist of going to the Palermo parks, getting completely drunk and beating the shit out of each other. Ah, to be young again.

• Remember when the Indec said that you could eat well for $6 a day and everyone went apeshit and started trashing the entire city because everyone knows that a cheeseburger in Mc Donald’s costs like a trillion pesos? No, you don’t because according to Indec they never said that. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• You know how the media won’t stop talking about how dangerous Buenos Aires is becoming? A robbery here, a murder there? No, you don’t because according to Security Minister Nilda Garré “there has been no increase in crime” in the City. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• Meanwhile, somewhere abroad: the International Monetary Fund (also known as the Evil Brotherhood of Doom) decided it has had enough of Argentina’s tomfoolery and unreliable statistics, and gave the country until December 17th to put its affairs in order. If we fail to do so… get ready kids! Because Argentina could become the first country ever to be censored by the centuries-old brotherhood. I have no idea what that means but it certainly can’t be good. I mean, have you ever seen the censored version of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? They suck.

• This week, in our regular segment “Mother Nature is going to violently kill us all“: a terrible storm hit Uruguay, Paraguay and the Misiones province, and to a lesser extent the City and Greater Buenos Aires areas. Things in Uruguay got so bad that this is how people had to cross the streets in downtown Montevideo. Even Uruguayan president José Mujica, a natural-born altruist, was a victim of the strong winds after he got bitch-slapped in the face while he was trying to help a neighbor in need.

• You know how sometimes you hop on a bus and when you scan your SUBE card it turns out you don’t have enough money for the fare? The rational, civilized response to that predicament is to either make this face to the driver, or to suffer the embarrassment of having to step out of the bus while all the passengers boo you for wasting a couple of their precious seconds. Of course there’s now a third option, which consists of violently beating the shit out of the bus driver until he passes out and the bus drives into a building, hurting 30 people in the process. And yes, that happened.

• Sooooo… I really don’t want this column to be a total downer when it
  

  Uruguay’s president badass. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  comes to the local public transportation system (even though it already is) but if you browse through the City’s 2013 Budget (I know you won’t), you will discover that the Subte system is nowhere to be found, which means that the buck stops here and there are no more subsidies for the Subway next year. What’s that? You don’t know why you should care about this? Because a single Subte ride will go up to $3.90 if the system is not subsidized, that’s why. Feeling miserable yet?

• Of course there’s also the worst case scenario.

• Great news, kids! The Evita bills have finally hit the streets! And what’s great about them is that $100 are not worth shit anymore, so you can totally keep them as a souvenir for when you decide to go back to whatever country you came from because your financial situation in this country has become unbearable. Then you can show it to all your friends and amaze them with an awe-inspiring story of that time you got mugged in San Telmo or that time you got mugged in Palermo.

• A long time ago, gang fights were resolved in a pretty gay manner, which was awesome because differences were worked out through interpretive dancing and no one got hurt. Maybe emotionally, but that’s it. But this new wave of violence has turned us all into bitter beings, no matter how much the networks try to shove Glee down our throats, and gangs have chosen a new venue to resolve their problems: a hospital’s emergency room. At least 25 people were involved in a violent gang fight in a hospital in Moreno which not only terrified the patients and staff but also ended with seven people injured and one gang member dead. So basically it was just like that scene in West Side Story, only less gay. Oh, yeah and with a dead guy after it was over.

• [UPDATE] A few minutes after I published this roundup, this happened. It’s official: God hates me.

• Here’s a good one: Guy riding motorcycle gets violently hit by van in Retiro. Guy just lies there on the asphalt, conscious but badly injured. Reporter shows up out of nowhere, starts shoving microphone on guy’s mouth, asks him Pulitzer-winning question: “How are you doing?”. Ambulance pulls up, stops next to guy. Reporter tells ambulance driver to hurry and help guy. Driver responds he’s just stopping at the red light, he’s got no time to help the guy because “he’s got another patient in the back.” Ambulance leaves. Guy continues to lie there while hungry feral dog starts circling guy. Segment continues live for five more minutes, ambulance never shows up. Segment ends. No one knows whether guy survived or was eaten by rabid dog. What’s that? You are hoping there’s video evidence of all this? Congrats, it’s your lucky day.

Argentine President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and Mexican president-elect Enrique Peña Nieto are set to meet in Buenos Aires later today.

Peña Nieto will meet with Fernandez at the Casa Rosada upon his arrival from Chile, the latest stop on his first official Latin American tour as president-elect.

Peña Nieto’s tour kicked off earlier this week with his meeting with President Otto Pérez Molina in Guatemala City followed by visits to Colombia and Brazil.

In his meeting with Brazilian President Dilma Roussef, Peña Nieto called for a “closer relationship” and “larger cooperation” between the two largest economies of Latin America.

The two economic powerhouses have been at odds over the last few years on which economic model to adopt, with Brazil taking increasingly protectionist measures while Mexico has privileged free trade. Both countries have also been competing to provide exports for the ever-growing Chinese market.

Peña Nieto will take office on 1^st December after he won the presidential elections in July. Peña Nieto’s win, surrounded by controversies of alleged vote buying and fraud, marks the return to power of the PRI party that ruled Mexico for 70 uninterrupted years from 1929 to 2000.

It’s Friday again!

And as the cognitive dissonance in both sides of the political spectrum continues to split the Argentine society into two big antagonist magnets, here comes the Weekly News Roundup (click there and like our Facebook page, yes?) trying to maintain a level-headed opinion, a resort purposely designed to piss you off.

So, in order to escape the sad fate of becoming a cliche, I’m actually not going to take a position on what happened last night and will let you, my loyal scholars, choose one for me.

We all know confirmation bias is what makes you pick a newspaper over another. Knowing that you will agree with what the paper says beforehand grants you a false sense of momentaneous security. You need someone to tell you that your opinions are indeed accurate and it’s the others who are wrong.

Whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess.

So you know how I’m always saying this country is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book? I think it’s time we put that into practice:

• 

  Probably your hand. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  If you think President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is a hate-mongering “yegua” who deserves to be overthrown at all costs, proceed to the Anti-Government bullet point.

• If you think those repugnant Recoleta denizens are nothing but coup-mongers whose only concern is their inability to purchase US dollars and therefore deserve to die, proceed to the Pro-Government bulletpoint.

• Anti-Government rant: After years of unbearable oppressiveness and fearing the cold, metallic touch of Cristina’s iron fist, the destitute masses of Argentina finally made their voices heard and led a multitudinous, successful protest that spread all over the nation. People engaged in pot-banging activities (sounds like a junkie’s favorite sexual position but trust me, it’s not) to protest the current administration and course-correct the destiny of this country before it is too late (click here for the Indy’s awesome photo gallery on the story). TN was the only news network brave enough to show the ramifications of such an astounding social protest while over 100,000 people from all social strata took to the streets of Buenos Aires to oppose the Government’s plans to turn this country into Cuba or Venezuela. Yeah, that’s what happened. Now repeat after me: Zurdos! Vagos! Chorros! Use those insults on random people and evaluate their reaction. If you don’t end up in a coma, let me know what you learned.

• Pro-Government rant: Absolutely nothing happened last night. In fact, if you tuned in Canal 7 (state-owned channel) they were showing a documentary on birds (not a joke). But if something had actually happened, I’m sure it wouldn’t have mattered. It was just a bunch of dollar-hungry, rich, greedy, fascist, lame-excuse-of-a -human-being people trying to overthrow godsend President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and her humble cabinet and replace them all with Emperor George W. Bush and Viceroy Queen Elizabeth II. Yeah, that’s what happened. Now repeat after me: Fachos! Cipayos! Gorilas! Use those insults on random people and evaluate their reaction. If you don’t end up in a coma, let me know what you learned.

• Also, if the Middle Class is looking to prove that their protests are legitimate, and that this is not related to the restrictions on the dollar, but is in response to the existing non-existing-inflation, the rise of criminal activities and Cristina’s unapologetic bullying attitude towards anyone who dares to dissent with her, let me just say that this is not helping.

• Oh, and neither does this.

• In case you’re wondering, “gatear” is what a female escort does. You’re welcome.

• Your favorite source for quotable information – besides this column – finally published an article on the ridiculous urban myth saying that you only need six pesos a day in order to eat in this country. Now, don’t get the Government wrong: their studies say that even though you can eat for such a risible amount of money, it still means you’re very poor. Let’s think of what we can buy with six pesos: a cheeseburger in Mc Donald’s a can of tuna a super pancho a bottle of beer a salad a banana a bottle of water. Fuck it, I give up.

• Or you can move to the San Juan province, where in their little parallel universe that urban myth seems to be working just fine.

• At least the people in the cacerolazo protests get to make fun of it.

• The average hard-working man continues to be ostracized and vilified by the system, as now due to the severe government restrictions in the currency exchange market sector, PayPal Argentina has announced that it is disabling all transactions between domestic accounts. It seems locals, smart as they are, had found a way to bypass the restrictions and withdraw dollars in the US from their accounts in Argentina. And since this probably makes the AFIP tax agency sad, PayPal decided to react accordingly against the seven Argentines who actually know what PayPal is.

• Oh and don’t worry expats, foreign transactions are still active. So your parents can still transfer money into your local accounts. Stop whining.

• This one’s for you, girls: You know how your parents always warn you about checking your drinks when going out because of the rape drug? Well now you have something else to fear when drinking that tasty caipirinha. In the city of Santa Fe, a girl suffered severe internal burns after a bartender mistook dry Lye for sugar and put it in her drink. Smart move, bartender! “I’ll just leave this acid that looks like sugar right next to the actual sugar.” It’s like the Itchy & Scratchy show, only less original.

• Did you guys have fun last Sunday afternoon pretending that controlling your breathing for fifteen minutes in Palermo was somehow going to change your life for the better? Well I’m glad you did. But you know who didn’t have a good time though? Your very own (im)personal guru and messiah of meditation, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, who was questioned by the AFIP tax agency as he was trying to escape leave the country.

• Also, if the more than 100,000 people who spent last Sunday afternoon relaxing in the park are the same who four days later were foaming at the mouth because of the Government policies, then not to be a party pooper but whatever it is you did to relax didn’t actually work.

• Remember disgraced boxer Rodrigo “Hiena” Barrios, who in 2010 caused an accident while driving inebriated in
  

  You’ll never look at a caipirinha the same way again. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Mar del Plata and ended the life of a pregnant woman and her unborn child? It turns out that as he appeals his four-year sentence, a local court decided to give him back his driver’s license. I mean, come on, it’s not like the guy did it on purpose! He was drunk! You can’t blame him for that! Oh, but the public outrage was too much, so the Government decided to ban him from sitting behind a wheel again, and all of this in just one day! So now he is forced to hop on the bus completely drunk and sit on his own vomit until he gets home, just like the rest of us (expect for the killing part).

• Check your calendars, everyone! Because 2010 is making a comeback and it ain’t pretty. You see, the once invincible Dancing With The Stars is suddenly tanking in the ratings, and Marcelo Tinelli is not happy. It seems that after a 6-year slumber, the Argentine population has said “Enough!” to cheap scandals and mediocre dancing and begun changing to channel to happier, more preppy story lines, like the hit show of the moment “Graduados,” which is like Beverly Hills 90210, only worse (and I’m not talking about the recent series reboot, I’m talking about the original one. Seriously, who could you watch that crap?). In a desperate attempt to regain his squandered glory, Tinelli decided to bring back current nemesis and former pariah Ricardo Fort, who was exultant to retake the place he was fired from two years ago, even if only for a day. So in all honesty I’m not really sure what this post is all about. I just wanted you to know that Bailando por un Sueño is losing big, and it feels really good. The only way they’ll ever have another peak in the ratings is by bringing on stage some huge international star like, I don’t know, Madonna.

• DAMN IT!!!!

• And in case you haven’t been following Ricardo Fort’s recent incursions into the realm of legitimate musical theater, here he is doing The Lion King and Jesus Christ Superstar. You’re welcome to decide which one is more offensive.

• No, yeah, definitely the Jesus one.

• Also, thank God for this.

• And by the way, someone needs to edit the Graduados Wikipedia page in English. That thing is a mess.

• [Warning: shameless plug coming up] Before we finish, have you RSVP’d to attend our Buenos Aires Underground Market event tomorrow? We’re all going to be there sampling food and drinking like crazy, so why not join us for a while? It starts at noon and finishes at 5 pm. You have no excuse. [End of shameless plug].

• I know, I’m such a corporate whore.

• Have you noticed how I haven’t talked much about football lately? Either nothing is happening (unlikely) or I’m not paying enough attention (pretty likely). Whatever the case may be, here you go:

• This is hardly news because it happens every day, but one of the leaders of the Independiente hooligans has been shot. Now, that link is four days old so I’m not sure if he made it or not. Honestly I’m having brunch in an hour and can’t be bothered to find out. You figure it out yourself, mk? Consider it homework.

• Argentina gave us a lackluster performance in a game against Peru this week, which according to my sources (Wikipedia) was a World Cup qualifying match. The game ended 1-1 and everyone engaged in some fun, harmless homophobic behavior, with a fake photo of Lionel Messi telling Peruvians to go “eat it” via Twitter and some Peruvian player I never heard of calling him and Gonzalo Higuaín “little girls.” Whatever.

• No wonder I never talk about football.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

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Online money transfer platform PayPal will not permit transactions between two Argentine accounts from next month.

The company issued a country-specific amendment to its user agreement, stating that from the 9th October: “Argentina resident PayPal users may only send and receive international payments. Domestic payments between two Argentina resident PayPal users is unavailable”.

The amendment later defines ‘Argentina resident’ as “an individual, regardless of actual nationality, that selected Argentina as his/her country at the point of signing up for a PayPal account”. Business groups, partnerships or associations that registered in Argentina will also be affected by the new rule.

PayPal, which is a subsidiary of Ebay, has so far not provided a motive for the decision.

After eight World Cup qualifying matches, Argentina remain top of the South American Football Confederation table (CONMEBOL) despite a disappointing 1-1 draw in Peru last night.

Carlos Zambrano gave the home side the lead in the 22^nd minute, before Gonzalo Higuain pulled one back shortly before half time.

It was Peru who looked more likely to take the win though, and were only denied by the heroics of Argentine goalkeeper Sergio Romero, who produced a fine performance including a first half penalty save.

Whilst coach Alejandro Sabella was unable to field a full strength team, his side still contained the likes of Lionel Messi, Ezequiel Lavezzi, and Angel Di Maria.

Messi was particularly anonymous and failed to perform at his best in the face of aggressive Peruvian marking throughout, prompting his manager to declare post-match that “he is human.”

“He cannot always play perfectly,” continued Sabella, who will be concerned by the poor performance of players in almost all positions. Argentina can be thankful for Higuain’s proficiency in front of goal, which saved them from losing their top spot in the league.

Elsewhere, Colombia’s talisman, Radamel Falcao Garcia, continued his rich vein of form, producing a man of the match performance to ensure a 3-1 victory over Chile. The win gives Colombia a valuable 3 points, leaving them second in the group standings.

Meanwhile Paraguay have a mountain to climb if they are to qualify, after they fell to a fourth consecutive defeat at the hands of Venezuela, and currently lie in last position.

Uruguay held Ecuador to a 1-1 draw in Montevideo. The result leaves Ecuador in third place, level on 13 points with Colombia.

The league remains tight at the top with 3 points separating the top 6 teams. The next round of matches sees Argentina play Uruguay in a key match that will be played at the Estadio Malvinas Argentinas in Mendoza on 12^th October.

The Federal Administration of Public Income (AFIP) is investigating the alleged tax evasion in the transfer of 444 footballers here in Argentina. Among those in the hot seat are Manchester City’s Sergio Aguero and Barcelona’s Javier Mascherano.

“An investigation is under way concerning supposed (tax) evasion in transfers of footballers,” a senior judicial source told the American Free Press (AFP) on Monday.

The announcement of the investigation comes after the suspension of 146 players’ agents on 24th August. AFIP has been looking into what it calls irregular deals since the transfer window closed last month.

“(The AFIP) suspended 146 footballer representatives and go-betweens with an irregular fiscal situation since they have not declared the corresponding commission charged for the operations they took part in,” said AFIP in a statement.

They also asked that 12 players be suspended from playing while their contracts are under investigation, including River Plate defender Jonathan Bottinelli.

Bottinelli’s case has been used as one of the two examples the AFIP highlighted for the federal court. Both Bottinelli and San Lorenzo midfielder Ignacio Piatti, were traded to their clubs from clubs they had never played for.

“One of the most emblematic cases involved the strange sale of Jonathan Bottinelli to River Plate, in which a Chilean club held the registration of the player,” said federal judge Norberto Oyarbide. Oyarbide asked the AFIP to launch an investigation after seeing the two examples.

As a result the AFIP announced the creation of a “Dynamic List of Sporting Fiscal Paradises” where all clubs would be entered who had been involved in the transfer of a player who had neither emerged from their youth scheme nor played for them for at least a season.

However, the AFIP only has jurisdiction here in Argentina, meaning it can only investigate transfers from an Argentine team to an Argentine team or from an Argentine team to an international team. Aguero’s move from Independiente to Atletico Madrid will be investigated, but not his subsequent move to Manchester City.

Other well-known players whose transfers are now under scrutiny include Pablo Zabaleta of Manchester City, Ever Banega and Pablo Piatti of Valencia, Martin Demichelis of Malaga and Diego Forlan, now of Internacional in Brazil.