It’s Friday again!

And it’s been non-stop this week.

I’m not gonna lie to you kids, everyone’s favorite Shakespearean character and local badass President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner figures largely in today’s column.

And the reason for that was the “CFK spanks the USA” Tour 2012 (I came up with that awesome and original name so don’t steal it), which involved our beloved leader visiting three cities that together form a trifecta of erudite squares. And I mean that in a good way. These are scholars you don’t fuck around with.

You try and have a discussion about anything with a Bostonian and you’ll be lucky to end up crying in a corner.

But worry not, because while the President was away schooling the rest of the world on molecular biology and the season finale of Dancing With The Stars, things were pretty hilarious on this side of the hemisphere as well.

So like us on Facebook and then get ready for non-stop facepalms, cringing conversations, poorly photoshopped pictures and lots, lots of fremdschämen. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  This week, Argentines take New York by storm. Hilarity ensues. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  It’s that time of the year again. September arrives and with it spring makes a short-lasting appeareance, like a teaser trailer of coming events, and then the cold fronts return to make our lives miserable. Meanwhile, in New York, many get ready for the most important event of the year. A glamorous happening that unites people from all over the world, getting together in order to witness how a small group of select, cosmopolitan chosen ones deal with intrinsic social issues and scheme in order to achieve their ultimate goals. That’s right, I’m talking about the season premiere of Gossip Girl. Oh and the UN General Assembly also takes place, although people are less into that because it involves all the presidents of the world getting together under one roof to discuss politics, which is boring. Except for suicide bombers. I’m sure it’s like a wet dream for them.

• Although if you think about it, a politics edition of Gossip Girl could be television gold. “Spotted: CFK and Hilz sipping some lattes and shopping for some Vuitton on Fifth.” Look, I even have the poster for it and everything! *sigh* I should have been in advertising.

• No, yeah. Back to business. Sorry, I’m very disperse today.

• The week began with IMF head Christine Lagarde warning that if Argentina fails to put its affairs (inflation) in order, the organization will have no choice “but to show it the red card.” A football reference? Sorry then. I don’t know what that means.

• Anyway, as expected, Cristina flew to New York to attend the UN General Assembly and provide us mortals with the infinite pleasure of being lectured and reprimanded by her. Because Cristina knows best, and that’s just the way it is. Even if she doesn’t. And since I know many of you just don’t really care about all this and feel tempted to skip the politics part, I’m willing to offer you her statements in short form and long form so you can choose. OK? OK.

• First, this is her entire speech before the UN, which you will positively not watch.

• And yes, of course it’s in Spanish! What did you think I was gonna dub it? I have a life, sorry.

• TO THE IMF (long form): She condemned the IMF’s “red card” statement and said “this is a grave economic crisis, not a football match. My country is not a football team and will not be subjected to any threats. And if you compare football to the economy, let me say the head of the FIFA has had a better performance than that of the head of the IMF.” BOOM! Burn.

• TO THE IMF (short form): Fuck you.

• TO THE UK (long form): “This is a global issue. We don’t want you to say we’re right on the Malvinas/Falklands issue. We just want you to sit down with us and talk.“

• TO THE UK (short form): Fuck you but please pay attention to us.

• And the Malvinas/Falklands government tweeted back: Fuck you too.

• ON GLOBAL ECONOMIC CRISIS (long form): “My biggest fear is that if we can’t solve it, millions of people in our western world may stop believing that a democratic system can do it. If you look at the worst kind of totalitarian governments in history, they were all preceded by serious economic crises.” Yup. True.

• ON GLOBAL ECONOMIC CRISIS (short form): Either we solve it or Hitler returns and we’re all fucked.

• TO IRAN (long form): “We always complain about the UK’s refusal to talk. Now Iran says they want to talk. So we have decided to have a meeting with them. I expect concrete results and their cooperation in the investigation to find whoever was behind the ’92 and ’94 terrorist attacks.”

• TO IRAN (short form): Let’s talk but don’t fuck with us.

• Those were the most important parts of her speech. Congrats, you made it through.

• You think it’s over? Ha! We’re just getting started.

• In the meantime, not all was well in the land of liberty and over-consumption. As Cristina lectured the world on foreign policy, a storm was brewing a few blocks away from the UN headquarters. Outside her Hotel in Columbus Circle, a few hundred Argentines had convened, pot in hand (not, not that kind of pot), to protest the presence of the President there, even though she apparently wasn’t there. But look, there’s the Statue of Liberty, holding a frying pan!

• Now, I know that I’m gonna be called “a repugnant ultra-k” by the most visceral opponents to this Government, but don’t you think it’s a little contradictory to be chanting “Argentina! Argentina!”… from New York?! I don’t oppose any form of protests, but come on people, admit it. You need a PR firm to run your demonstrations.

• This actually made me laugh though.

• After her awesome dissertation, Cristina flew to Washington DC, where she would be faced with incisive questions by curious Georgetown University students who probably didn’t know who Cristina was until the night before and were just trying to impress their teachers.

• Relax, Georgetown. I’m kidding.

• Anyway, Cristina attended a ceremony in Georgetown and talked to students who anxiously awaited to exercise their power to do something most journalists in Argentina can’t: ask her questions she doesn’t like answering. Here is her speech, which is somewhat similar to the one she gave at the UN. And no, it’s not in English either. Figure it out yourself.

• And this is probably the part (the juicy part) you’re interested in: the questions she faced. There were some funny moments, she said that she always talks to journalists (which the Press Corps at the Government House quickly refuted in a press statement), they asked her about the alleged “6 pesos a day” scandal and the relationship with Venezuela and Paraguay. Everyone giggled, laughed, shared jokes and by the time it was over, everyone was satisfied. Yay, Georgetown!

• Oh yeah, and the Justice Ministry has pressed charges against “some bloggers” who created this. The Ministry considers it “incites violence” and it calls for the murder of a government official.

• Horror! Credit rating agency Moody’s, which for some reason is still in business after the 2008 fiasco, has decided to go “negative” on 30 Argentine banks. Now I know why they call it “moody’s”. Haha.

• Oh, shut up! Like you would have come up with something better. You know how hard it is to be writing this today? There’s so much stuff going on I feel like I have no material left. I got nothing.

• Regarding the “$6 a day” fiasco, turns out it was all just a huge miscommunication! Because the INDEC now says that you actually need 13 pesos a day “not to be poor.“

• What. That’s it. That’s the joke.

• Horror! Part Deux: Evidence of this Government’s tyrannical practices continues to pile on as everyone’s favorite yet non-affordable luxury brand Louis Vuitton became the government’s latest (fashion?) victim and decided to leave the country for ever. Or until Cristina goes away, whichever comes first. Which is kind of a heresy because we all know it’s Cristina’s favorite brand as well. However, it is not such an uninvited curse that is horrifying many, but actually the fact that a cosmopolitan and fashion-conscious newspaper such as La Nación ran the story on its front page by calling it “Luis” Vuitton.

• Let’s say you lead a criminal lifestyle. Let’s say you and your two friends
  

  After last night, Harvard University is now synonymous with dumb. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  decide to rob a lottery agent. Let’s say you enter the agency, stand in line and pretender to be a customer. Let’s say you pick pick three random numbers while the cashier enters the information, and as she gives you your receipt you reveal your true intentions, pull out a gun and demand all the cash available. Let’s say you get $400 pesos and escape. Let’s say you and your friends are so stupid that you get caught immediately and thrown in jail. Let’s say that God has a sick sense of humor and on top of that, on that same day the numbers you picked are the winning numbers and there’s a $900 prize you’ll never get to cash because you’re in jail. Let’s say this actually happened.

• You know those nights when you decide to engage in a little binge drinking with the guys but no one wants to be designated driver and you take the car anyway because, whatever right? OK, sure. I know chances are you don’t own a car in this country, but you probably had one back in whatever place you lived before getting exiled here, so humor me. Like I was saying, you go out with the boys and drink 300 bottles of Quilmes and then go back home all tipsy and inebriated and stuff because getting home fast trumps risking your life and that of others. And then… OMG you ram your car into another vehicle and all hell breaks loose. The police shows up, obviously to try and prove you’re drunk so they can get all your money. What do you do, hot shot? Huh? Well, this brave young man decided that he was gonna fight the system and in order to cover any traces of alcohol in his body he decided to drink a bottle of brake fluid. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures, man! And now he’s dead.

• OK, he’s not dead. But I know there’s some cautionary tale somewhere in there about drinking and driving. Give me a couple of weeks, I’ll find a better narrative.

• Remember a few months ago when Cristina gave a press conference to announce the new state-of-the-art technology that would allow football clubs to identify dangerous hooligans and throw them in the rancor pit forever? Remember how it failed miserably and couldn’t read Cristina’s fingerprint? Well it appears that despite that technical “glitch” the devices were installed anyway because, you know… we already paid for them, so fuck it. But, alas! The effectiveness of stadium security is once again being questioned after Boca Juniors hooligan number 2, some Maxi Mazzaro guy, managed to fool the machines by wearing a wig and sunglasses and even took some awesome photos inside the stadium. OF COURSE! HOW COULD WE NOT THINK OF THIS!? We’ve been beaten by the plot of a 1930′s Saturday morning cartoon. We’re doomed.

• Oh, no he didn’t! But yes, he totally did. Non-threatening tennis superstar Roger Federer decided to betray his loyal Argentine followers and stab them in the heart by taking this appalling and insulting photograph in which is seen happily, proudly (even mockingly!) wearing the enemy uniform (i.e. the Brazilian football team’s uniform). No one is really sure what this means but everyone totally knows what this means: a definite affront to the Argentine people, who are expected to go see him in December when he comes to play against former national hero and currently disgraced Juan Martín del Potro. It’s will be interesting to see which of the two players is booed the most. My money is on Del Potro.

Preface: in order to make today’s roundup a more sensorial, enjoyable experience, I recommend you use this song as soundtrack. Or this one. Whatever.

It’s springtime again!

And if you thought the season of love and sunshine was going to usher in a new era of collective empathy and intellectual enlightenment, then you are FUCKING WRONG.

Yes, it’s warmer outside. Yes, condom companies have been fast to plaster the city with “funny” ads encouraging the younger generations to have sex. Oh, and to use condoms while they are at it.

But no matter how much love is in the air, Buenos Aires is after all the City of Fury, as genius Gustavo Cerati once sang in his classic ode to this concrete jungle, La Ciudad de la Furia.

I know. You can’t listen to this song while listening to one of the songs I recommended at the beginning. Well, figure it out yourself. I’m not your nanny.

Anyway, people are nervous man, they are nervous.

As the pressure continues to build between two factions who, despite my friendly warnings, keep hating each other, everyone is on edge.

Maybe it’s just a sign of the impending apocalypse coming soon to a city near you, when on December 21st, 2012 the four Mayan horsemen of the apocalypse release the kraken on us and nations collapse under the terrible weight of a bunch of Twilight fans angry at the world because Robert Pattinson is an idiot.

Whatever the case may be, the air is charged with negativity and it is clearly affecting us citizens. It’s like in Ghostbusters 2 when that pink goo that only reacted to negative thoughts made everyone fight each other, remember?

No? Really? I’m sure you remember the part when the Statue of Liberty comes to life, which is, like, a minor detail in the plot, and yet you don’t remember the goo?

Ugh, you suck. Like us on Facebook and then go to your room.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  A typical afternoon in the park in Buenos Aires. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Cacerolazo aftermath: Yes, the people spoke last week. But the Government didn’t listen. In fact, many in the Fernandez de Kirchner administration seemed to double down on their stance and directly insulted most of the protesters by calling them “violent, racist, rich angry people, coup-mongers, people who care more about Miami than Argentina,” and even dared to accuse them of supporting former dictator and current monster Jorge Rafael Videla when he took office via a coup d’état in 1976. Smart move Government! This reaction has of course galvanized the angry mobs even more, who have already began coordinating on Facebook to organize a second, larger cacerolazo. So let’s take a look at the most prominent reactions by the Kirchnerite-friendly folks.

• Cabinet Chief Juan Manuel Abal Medina said the protesters were more concerned about what happens in Miami than in Argentina.

• Just like Abal Medina, Kirchnerite Florencio Varela mayor Julio Pereyra also condemned the cacerolazos because these are just rich people who care about themselves. Then he and his family hopped on a plane to Miami for some very much-deserved vacations. No, really.

• And he didn’t fly coach.

• Oh, but it’s OK, don’t judge. It was because he had promised his son he would take him to Disney World. See? So wrong of you to judge. And he’s right, you don’t want to pull a North Korea and have to deal with the corporate rage of Walt Disney.

• And finally, former human rights hero and current parody of herself Hebe de Bonafini said all those who banged their pots that night also supported a coup back in 1976 that left 30,000 people dead. Yes, even those who were born after 1990. I’m not sure how, but they did man, they did.

• Oh, and don’t think that those banging their pots were all level-headed citizens clamoring for a comprehensive change in Government policy either. As usual, there were those calling President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner a Nazi, those who say Argentina is turning into Cuba or Venezuela, and even those who cheerfully chanted, telling Cristina to “go join her (dead) husband.”

• It’s September 21st, which besides being “Spring Day”, in Argentina students also celebrate “Student’s Day“. In Buenos Aires, celebrations consist of going to the Palermo parks, getting completely drunk and beating the shit out of each other. Ah, to be young again.

• Remember when the Indec said that you could eat well for $6 a day and everyone went apeshit and started trashing the entire city because everyone knows that a cheeseburger in Mc Donald’s costs like a trillion pesos? No, you don’t because according to Indec they never said that. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• You know how the media won’t stop talking about how dangerous Buenos Aires is becoming? A robbery here, a murder there? No, you don’t because according to Security Minister Nilda Garré “there has been no increase in crime” in the City. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• Meanwhile, somewhere abroad: the International Monetary Fund (also known as the Evil Brotherhood of Doom) decided it has had enough of Argentina’s tomfoolery and unreliable statistics, and gave the country until December 17th to put its affairs in order. If we fail to do so… get ready kids! Because Argentina could become the first country ever to be censored by the centuries-old brotherhood. I have no idea what that means but it certainly can’t be good. I mean, have you ever seen the censored version of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? They suck.

• This week, in our regular segment “Mother Nature is going to violently kill us all“: a terrible storm hit Uruguay, Paraguay and the Misiones province, and to a lesser extent the City and Greater Buenos Aires areas. Things in Uruguay got so bad that this is how people had to cross the streets in downtown Montevideo. Even Uruguayan president José Mujica, a natural-born altruist, was a victim of the strong winds after he got bitch-slapped in the face while he was trying to help a neighbor in need.

• You know how sometimes you hop on a bus and when you scan your SUBE card it turns out you don’t have enough money for the fare? The rational, civilized response to that predicament is to either make this face to the driver, or to suffer the embarrassment of having to step out of the bus while all the passengers boo you for wasting a couple of their precious seconds. Of course there’s now a third option, which consists of violently beating the shit out of the bus driver until he passes out and the bus drives into a building, hurting 30 people in the process. And yes, that happened.

• Sooooo… I really don’t want this column to be a total downer when it
  

  Uruguay’s president badass. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  comes to the local public transportation system (even though it already is) but if you browse through the City’s 2013 Budget (I know you won’t), you will discover that the Subte system is nowhere to be found, which means that the buck stops here and there are no more subsidies for the Subway next year. What’s that? You don’t know why you should care about this? Because a single Subte ride will go up to $3.90 if the system is not subsidized, that’s why. Feeling miserable yet?

• Of course there’s also the worst case scenario.

• Great news, kids! The Evita bills have finally hit the streets! And what’s great about them is that $100 are not worth shit anymore, so you can totally keep them as a souvenir for when you decide to go back to whatever country you came from because your financial situation in this country has become unbearable. Then you can show it to all your friends and amaze them with an awe-inspiring story of that time you got mugged in San Telmo or that time you got mugged in Palermo.

• A long time ago, gang fights were resolved in a pretty gay manner, which was awesome because differences were worked out through interpretive dancing and no one got hurt. Maybe emotionally, but that’s it. But this new wave of violence has turned us all into bitter beings, no matter how much the networks try to shove Glee down our throats, and gangs have chosen a new venue to resolve their problems: a hospital’s emergency room. At least 25 people were involved in a violent gang fight in a hospital in Moreno which not only terrified the patients and staff but also ended with seven people injured and one gang member dead. So basically it was just like that scene in West Side Story, only less gay. Oh, yeah and with a dead guy after it was over.

• [UPDATE] A few minutes after I published this roundup, this happened. It’s official: God hates me.

• Here’s a good one: Guy riding motorcycle gets violently hit by van in Retiro. Guy just lies there on the asphalt, conscious but badly injured. Reporter shows up out of nowhere, starts shoving microphone on guy’s mouth, asks him Pulitzer-winning question: “How are you doing?”. Ambulance pulls up, stops next to guy. Reporter tells ambulance driver to hurry and help guy. Driver responds he’s just stopping at the red light, he’s got no time to help the guy because “he’s got another patient in the back.” Ambulance leaves. Guy continues to lie there while hungry feral dog starts circling guy. Segment continues live for five more minutes, ambulance never shows up. Segment ends. No one knows whether guy survived or was eaten by rabid dog. What’s that? You are hoping there’s video evidence of all this? Congrats, it’s your lucky day.

It’s Friday again!

And as the cognitive dissonance in both sides of the political spectrum continues to split the Argentine society into two big antagonist magnets, here comes the Weekly News Roundup (click there and like our Facebook page, yes?) trying to maintain a level-headed opinion, a resort purposely designed to piss you off.

So, in order to escape the sad fate of becoming a cliche, I’m actually not going to take a position on what happened last night and will let you, my loyal scholars, choose one for me.

We all know confirmation bias is what makes you pick a newspaper over another. Knowing that you will agree with what the paper says beforehand grants you a false sense of momentaneous security. You need someone to tell you that your opinions are indeed accurate and it’s the others who are wrong.

Whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess.

So you know how I’m always saying this country is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book? I think it’s time we put that into practice:

• 

  Probably your hand. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  If you think President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is a hate-mongering “yegua” who deserves to be overthrown at all costs, proceed to the Anti-Government bullet point.

• If you think those repugnant Recoleta denizens are nothing but coup-mongers whose only concern is their inability to purchase US dollars and therefore deserve to die, proceed to the Pro-Government bulletpoint.

• Anti-Government rant: After years of unbearable oppressiveness and fearing the cold, metallic touch of Cristina’s iron fist, the destitute masses of Argentina finally made their voices heard and led a multitudinous, successful protest that spread all over the nation. People engaged in pot-banging activities (sounds like a junkie’s favorite sexual position but trust me, it’s not) to protest the current administration and course-correct the destiny of this country before it is too late (click here for the Indy’s awesome photo gallery on the story). TN was the only news network brave enough to show the ramifications of such an astounding social protest while over 100,000 people from all social strata took to the streets of Buenos Aires to oppose the Government’s plans to turn this country into Cuba or Venezuela. Yeah, that’s what happened. Now repeat after me: Zurdos! Vagos! Chorros! Use those insults on random people and evaluate their reaction. If you don’t end up in a coma, let me know what you learned.

• Pro-Government rant: Absolutely nothing happened last night. In fact, if you tuned in Canal 7 (state-owned channel) they were showing a documentary on birds (not a joke). But if something had actually happened, I’m sure it wouldn’t have mattered. It was just a bunch of dollar-hungry, rich, greedy, fascist, lame-excuse-of-a -human-being people trying to overthrow godsend President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and her humble cabinet and replace them all with Emperor George W. Bush and Viceroy Queen Elizabeth II. Yeah, that’s what happened. Now repeat after me: Fachos! Cipayos! Gorilas! Use those insults on random people and evaluate their reaction. If you don’t end up in a coma, let me know what you learned.

• Also, if the Middle Class is looking to prove that their protests are legitimate, and that this is not related to the restrictions on the dollar, but is in response to the existing non-existing-inflation, the rise of criminal activities and Cristina’s unapologetic bullying attitude towards anyone who dares to dissent with her, let me just say that this is not helping.

• Oh, and neither does this.

• In case you’re wondering, “gatear” is what a female escort does. You’re welcome.

• Your favorite source for quotable information – besides this column – finally published an article on the ridiculous urban myth saying that you only need six pesos a day in order to eat in this country. Now, don’t get the Government wrong: their studies say that even though you can eat for such a risible amount of money, it still means you’re very poor. Let’s think of what we can buy with six pesos: a cheeseburger in Mc Donald’s a can of tuna a super pancho a bottle of beer a salad a banana a bottle of water. Fuck it, I give up.

• Or you can move to the San Juan province, where in their little parallel universe that urban myth seems to be working just fine.

• At least the people in the cacerolazo protests get to make fun of it.

• The average hard-working man continues to be ostracized and vilified by the system, as now due to the severe government restrictions in the currency exchange market sector, PayPal Argentina has announced that it is disabling all transactions between domestic accounts. It seems locals, smart as they are, had found a way to bypass the restrictions and withdraw dollars in the US from their accounts in Argentina. And since this probably makes the AFIP tax agency sad, PayPal decided to react accordingly against the seven Argentines who actually know what PayPal is.

• Oh and don’t worry expats, foreign transactions are still active. So your parents can still transfer money into your local accounts. Stop whining.

• This one’s for you, girls: You know how your parents always warn you about checking your drinks when going out because of the rape drug? Well now you have something else to fear when drinking that tasty caipirinha. In the city of Santa Fe, a girl suffered severe internal burns after a bartender mistook dry Lye for sugar and put it in her drink. Smart move, bartender! “I’ll just leave this acid that looks like sugar right next to the actual sugar.” It’s like the Itchy & Scratchy show, only less original.

• Did you guys have fun last Sunday afternoon pretending that controlling your breathing for fifteen minutes in Palermo was somehow going to change your life for the better? Well I’m glad you did. But you know who didn’t have a good time though? Your very own (im)personal guru and messiah of meditation, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, who was questioned by the AFIP tax agency as he was trying to escape leave the country.

• Also, if the more than 100,000 people who spent last Sunday afternoon relaxing in the park are the same who four days later were foaming at the mouth because of the Government policies, then not to be a party pooper but whatever it is you did to relax didn’t actually work.

• Remember disgraced boxer Rodrigo “Hiena” Barrios, who in 2010 caused an accident while driving inebriated in
  

  You’ll never look at a caipirinha the same way again. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Mar del Plata and ended the life of a pregnant woman and her unborn child? It turns out that as he appeals his four-year sentence, a local court decided to give him back his driver’s license. I mean, come on, it’s not like the guy did it on purpose! He was drunk! You can’t blame him for that! Oh, but the public outrage was too much, so the Government decided to ban him from sitting behind a wheel again, and all of this in just one day! So now he is forced to hop on the bus completely drunk and sit on his own vomit until he gets home, just like the rest of us (expect for the killing part).

• Check your calendars, everyone! Because 2010 is making a comeback and it ain’t pretty. You see, the once invincible Dancing With The Stars is suddenly tanking in the ratings, and Marcelo Tinelli is not happy. It seems that after a 6-year slumber, the Argentine population has said “Enough!” to cheap scandals and mediocre dancing and begun changing to channel to happier, more preppy story lines, like the hit show of the moment “Graduados,” which is like Beverly Hills 90210, only worse (and I’m not talking about the recent series reboot, I’m talking about the original one. Seriously, who could you watch that crap?). In a desperate attempt to regain his squandered glory, Tinelli decided to bring back current nemesis and former pariah Ricardo Fort, who was exultant to retake the place he was fired from two years ago, even if only for a day. So in all honesty I’m not really sure what this post is all about. I just wanted you to know that Bailando por un Sueño is losing big, and it feels really good. The only way they’ll ever have another peak in the ratings is by bringing on stage some huge international star like, I don’t know, Madonna.

• DAMN IT!!!!

• And in case you haven’t been following Ricardo Fort’s recent incursions into the realm of legitimate musical theater, here he is doing The Lion King and Jesus Christ Superstar. You’re welcome to decide which one is more offensive.

• No, yeah, definitely the Jesus one.

• Also, thank God for this.

• And by the way, someone needs to edit the Graduados Wikipedia page in English. That thing is a mess.

• [Warning: shameless plug coming up] Before we finish, have you RSVP’d to attend our Buenos Aires Underground Market event tomorrow? We’re all going to be there sampling food and drinking like crazy, so why not join us for a while? It starts at noon and finishes at 5 pm. You have no excuse. [End of shameless plug].

• I know, I’m such a corporate whore.

• Have you noticed how I haven’t talked much about football lately? Either nothing is happening (unlikely) or I’m not paying enough attention (pretty likely). Whatever the case may be, here you go:

• This is hardly news because it happens every day, but one of the leaders of the Independiente hooligans has been shot. Now, that link is four days old so I’m not sure if he made it or not. Honestly I’m having brunch in an hour and can’t be bothered to find out. You figure it out yourself, mk? Consider it homework.

• Argentina gave us a lackluster performance in a game against Peru this week, which according to my sources (Wikipedia) was a World Cup qualifying match. The game ended 1-1 and everyone engaged in some fun, harmless homophobic behavior, with a fake photo of Lionel Messi telling Peruvians to go “eat it” via Twitter and some Peruvian player I never heard of calling him and Gonzalo Higuaín “little girls.” Whatever.

• No wonder I never talk about football.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

It’s Friday again!

And springtime is just two weeks away!

Which is a good thing, considering that this past weekend your face absorbed some much-needed UV rays and got a wonderful tan that only two days later made you look like an idiot because a cold front reminded us all that we are still in the middle of winter.

Give it a few more weeks and you’ll be able to get tanned without regrets.

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook in order to receive weekly updates about stuff.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, a guy you just heard of two days ago yet now you’re his greatest fan. Also not Jesus. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Is it OK to start with porn? I mean let’s face it, every newspaper in this country has tits and ass on the front page. There’s no reason to be squeamish, although if you’re easily offended by blatant displays of self-pleasuring activities, you should probably skip the next bullet point altogether. It is very NSFW. You have been warned. Also, I’d like to read your thoughts about what’s coming next. So feel free to comment below.

• Oh, no they didn’t! But yes, they absolutely did. President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner (as well as the 54% of this country’s population) is probably not amused by the latest stunt pulled by Miami-based Argento-Venezuelan rock band The Rockadictos, who either artfully or disrespectfully (that’s up to you) decided to feature our beloved Head of State on their latest controversial music video. The clip – shot in ‘comic mode’ – depicts Cristina as a clamor-hungry charismatic leader who finds herself overflowing with the eroticism of power and decides to vent the pressure building up inside of her in the only way she can. *rolls eyes* Yes, masturbation. Is it disrespectful? Maybe, although personally I don’t give a shit. Is it art? I’m not sure. Is it a desperate call for attention by a band that most of us never heard of before and is looking to spike their sales on iTunes? You bet. Whatever it is, it made it to the cover of Noticias. Well played, Rockadictos. Well played.

• Oh, and I almost forgot. US president Barack Obama is also involved in this upbeat tale of erotica, although not in the way you expect him to be, which is kind of a disappointment.

• Moving on to less relevant things: boy, were the anti-Kirchnerites pissed this week. The Cadena Nacional controversy hit the fan a few days ago when Cristina’s television omnipresence got in the way of Dancing With The Stars / Graduados / [Insert name of favorite TV show here]. For those of you slow learners, the Cadena Nacional is when all broadcast networks interrupt their programming to show a live presidential speech. Many presidents have resorted to this when they needed to address the nation in the past, but Cristina, like her Venezuelan compadre, is in love with it and may be slightly abusing it. And this of course had half of the Argentine population in an irate state, something I’m sure you’ve noticed by taking a glance at your Facebook/Twitter timelines recently. Last Monday, however, she crossed the line. In order to celebrate Industry Day which, yes, is as boring as it sounds, not only she interrupted everyone’s dinners, she also gave the most boring speech in the history of boring speeches. In her 60-minute soliloquy she didn’t yell, she didn’t laugh, she didn’t make a joke, she didn’t scold any of her minions. She just talked about industry stuff, which we all know sucks because it’s not tits and ass. Seriously, I dare you to watch that. It’s like being forced to sit through the training video of a cement company in Scottsbluff, Nebraska.

• So if you want to know why there was an impromptu cacerolazo last Monday night, that’s why. It wasn’t the restrictions on the dollar, it wasn’t the rampant inflation or the overall sense of collapse blanketing society as we speak. No, ladies and gentlemen. It was the inability to enjoy Dancing With The Stars. A doomed nation, we are.

• This traumatizing ordeal has of course left the anti-Kirchnerite mind in shambles and with the need to sleep with the lights on, for which they have once again galvanized behind a Facebook page to conduct a nationwide cacerolazo on Thursday the 13th. Just like the question-marked face of Anonymous, the cacerolazo movement has no leader, no bellwether leading the masses to reclaim the Plaza de Mayo from the sharp, raptor-like claws of the Kirchnerite reich. But people are going, man, they are going. And this time they don’t even need to carry a dirty frying pan sporting the unconsumed leftovers of omelettes past. Just like technology has saved countless lives in the Arab spring demonstrations or the jungles of Burma, the iPhone is here to make your case heard.

• The AFIP tax agency continues marching into dark territory as it expands yet once more its already Orwellian attributes. As you probably know, whenever Argentines return from their little orgasmic trip to the first world and come face to face with the Ezeiza gatekeepers, they are expected to show any electronic device that they may have shamelessly acquired in the land of happiness. If you paid more than 300 US dollars for your un-Argentine piece of machinery, then you are to be charged with 50% of its original price in concept of your treasonous activities. Why do you think whenever you foreigners leave temporarily you are always asked to bring back iPods, iPads, iPhones, iMacs and more iPods? This is why. And get ready, because it’s about to get worse, since the AFIP will now go through everyone’s purchases abroad to see if they “forgot” to declare a little trip to the Apple store. Stalin would be proud.

• The problem here is not that they are forcing everyone to pay their fair share of taxes, the problem is their “guilty until proven innocent” attitude. Let me put it this way: if the AFIP were in charge of solving a murder case in CSI: Miami, the first suspect (who’s usually a red herring) would get the death penalty within the first ten minutes of the episode, turning this show into an even more tedious experience than it already was. Think Horatio Cane is a douche? Picture Ricardo Echegaray delivering one of those cringing closing lines with a strong Argentine accent. “Avoid the tax? You get the axe.”

• Oh my God! I just used a bullet point with the sole purpose of expressing a personal opinion! Does this… does this mean I’m changing the rules?!

• No. Shut up.

• I forgot to mention that the AFIP also announced that only state-run banks are now allowed to offer currency exchange services at the Ezeiza airport. Sorry, currency exchange operators. I guess your business truly is a dying art. You can join the mime artists union and share stories of the good old days together.

• Let’s change the subject. Let’s talk about the Malvinas/Falklands conflict, which I haven’t mentioned in like two weeks and I already feel like I miss those guys.

• [DANGER] The legislative assembly of the Malvinas/Falklands has
  

  Shut up, you guys. This isn’t porn, OK? It’s a tasteful display of the female anatomy that is in no way done in order to attract more clicks. If you don’t believe me, ask InfoBAE. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  confirmed that they will carry a referendum on the islands to let the population officially say whether they wish to remain British or not. (Spoiler alert: the result will be a resounding “FUCK, YEAH”). The historic yet irrelevant vote will take place in March 2013 and will change absolutely nothing because Argentina has already said they will cover their ears and go la-la-la-la-la-la when the islanders read the result out loud.

• God, the sexual tension between these two countries is soooooooo strong. Just make out already.

• The government continues to inch closer to totalitarianism as it has now decided to cancel a tender that it had put out for companies to operate 25% of the mobile phone frequencies in Argentina. Remember the Patriot Act? Well, this is pretty much the same thing.

• Great news everyone! The National Government has announced that it will not put up to tender a 25% of the 3G network. Planning Minister Julio De Vido has insisted that “it is not a state takeover,” which of course means it totally is.

• The Buenos Aires Government has finally decided to catch up with the 00′s and announced that it will offer free Wi-Fi services inside the city’s public libraries. Which is great for the 78-year-old librarian working there. The rest of you fucks who haven’t set foot in a library since 2002 couldn’t care less about this.

• Also, September 24th has officially been declared a one-time holiday, which means you kids get another long weekend to engage in absolute mischief. I already explained why it’s being declared a holiday, but in case you didn’t pay attention the last time, here it is again.

• Yeah, you just got RickRoll’d. You should have paid attention the last time I explained it, bitch.

• Also, RickRolling is so 2010. I disgust myself.

• We all know that even though Argentina and the UK have to hots for each other, there’s no point denying that this country’s true love is the US and that’s why it hates it so much. If you examine the local customs you will find that everyone is dying to be just like Ross and Rachel in that awesome -yet suspiciously affordable- Manhattan apartment. So whenever we hear that someone in this country decided to extrapolate American pop culture to the Pampas, we hardly find it strange anymore. Starbucks is as Argentine as dulce de leche. This time, however, things may be different since some disturbed teenager decided he wanted to imitate the Batman thing. And by “thing” I don’t mean “becoming a douchy-voiced caped crusader”, I mean slaughtering a lot of people in a movie theater. You know how teens like Justin Bieber or Big Time Rush? Well, this guy likes James Holmes, so he decided he wanted to shoot an audience. Fortunately his plans were foiled though, and now he sucks. ”Where was this?” you say? I’m surprised you need to ask: the land of terror and despair, otherwise known as Salta.

• Remember last week when I mentioned how the Chubut police had
  

  James Holmes, who totally creeps me out. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  declared open season on seagulls and they received an immediate international backlash for its reprehensible attitude towards the provincial fauna? It seems that the force has had a change of heart and decided that it does love animals after all. And what better way to express that they are OK with zoophilia than a racy photo shoot involving scantily-clad girls and horses from the mounted police? Classy stuff. Really classy stuff. She looks like Xena: Warrior Princess only sluttier. Look out boys, she’s single!

• Signing a contract with Dancing With The Stars in 3… 2… 1…

• Finally Argentina is first at something, and that is the relatively enviable honor of being the country that spends the most time on Facebook. Hey, it could be worse. It could be MySpace.

• Ah, now here’s a guy that deserves a medal. Francisco, a Colombian cashier working at the La Pasiva restaurant, on Corrientes Av. 1700, refused to be robbed and decided to beat the shit out of the gun-toting criminal that was threatening to kill him. Well done, Francisco. I believe you’re dangerously insane, but well done nonetheless.

• Alright, kids. Let’s have a talk, come sit. *pats bed* Can you explain to me who Sri Sri Ravi Shankar is and why you’re so interested in him, specially when you didn’t even know he existed three hours ago? I know there’s this whole “Fevida” thing going on this weekend in which 100,000 people are expected to come out and learn how to meditate, but gimme a break. His face is plastered all over town, he’s present on every TV show and he has been trending on Twitter for the last four days. Can somebody please explain it to me? He’s almost as big as Jesus. He even looks like Jesus! Is this spiritual leader one to be tru…- Oh, we knew this was coming.

• Last but not least: either the media is desperate to see Juan Martín del Potro and Andy Roddick engaging in gay porn, or there really is something going on between these two. As Juan Martín managed to beat Andy Roddick at the US Open this week, they both melted in a warm embrace and touched each other awkwardly to celebrate that this was the American tennis player’s last game of his career. What follows is their heartbreaking goodbye, according to the media present there: here, here, here and here. And my personal favorite, which I have labeled “I will miss your face so much.”

• Oh and please don’t send me those lengthy emails explaining how they were “just being friendly” and that there’s nothing wrong with two guys expressing their fondness for each other. I know that. It’s a joke. I believe Del Potro demonstrated to be a hell of a sportsman. So stop. Please just stop.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

It’s Friday again!

And I’m back!

Yes, I know you missed me (actually I know you didn’t) but worry not my loyal readers, I am back in town and refreshed and ready to report on everything that happened in the last week plus a few tidbits from the week before that were just too awesome to have them banished to the land of obliviousness.

And like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook in order to receive weekly updates about stuff.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Move over Hollywood (and Palermo Hollywood), there’s a new attention whore in town and it will be called Puerto Madero Hollywood, maybe. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This week President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner announced the creation of a new audiovisual district located on the southern tip of Puerto Madero. Her goal, as she put it, is to create the South American answer to Hollywood and become the regional mecca of film making. The presentation video is nothing short of impressive and it shows that it is indeed an ambitious project that if finished will revolutionize Argentina by positioning it as a global power player in the movie market. It’s going to be the pinnacle of the Latin American film industry, a majestic scene filled with thriving businesses and fountains and children and powerful beams of light diving into the darkness of the deep space. It’s going to be amazing!!

• Then again, maybe not.

• During her speech, she also said the reason why she loves architecture so much is because in a past life she was probably a great Egyptian architect. I will not comment on this one and let you leave your thoughts below for a change. Ready, set, go.

• No, wait. Finish the column, then comment.

• The Government and the opposition are once again butting heads over a controversial bill that looks to lower the voting age to 16 and… [INSERT DRAMATIC PAUSE HERE] let foreigners vote! Hurray for democracy! I mean, I’m sure you won’t vote because you couldn’t care less, but still! Knowing that we are actually being considered is good for our ego. If the bill is passed you will need to officially be a permanent resident and live for at least two years in Argentina before you get to cast your ballot. Again, not that you care.

• Great news! Since most of you drunks keep forgetting to refill your SUBE card and always end up fist fighting the bus driver because he won’t take you to Palermo for free at 3 AM, the National Government has now ordered a $7.50 additional credit that you can use to pay with if your card has no money in it. Way to go, drunks.

• Even greater news! After much negotiation and backroom meetings, Argentina’s flagship airline Aerolíneas Argentinas was accepted as a member of the SkyTeam global alliance. What does this mean? I’m not sure, but apparently more connecting flights and a new VIP lounge in Ezeiza that I bet my life you will never be allowed to set foot in. Yay!

• No wait, here comes the US to ruin the celebrations.

• Remember Mark Sanford? No, of course you don’t. Mr. Sanford was the governor of South Carolina who went “hiking the Appalachian trail” a few years ago, only to later find out he was actually visiting his mistress in Argentina. Still don’t? It’s OK, I don’t blame you, the Weekly News Roundup did not exist back then. Anyway, despite the public embarrassment and creating a new entry in the American vernacular, Sandorf announced six days ago that he is engaged to his Argentine lover. Were I not a cynical, love-hating bastard, I would say that once again love prevailed. Unfortunately, I am. So no.

• In totally awesome news (the kind that make the conservative movement stab itself with a crucifix), as kids in the Flores N°23 school returned to class after the winter break, they found out that their chess teacher Jorge had turned into Melisa. Other teachers supported his decision to finally become what he always wanted to be, some parents were horrified by his courage to defy the status quo and the majority of children probably didn’t give a shit, mostly because chess is boring. Congratulations Melisa, be happy.

• I always knew those seemingly harmless animation films you go see despite not having any kids (or go see without kids despite having them) were in reality a propaganda machine dedicated to indoctrinating those ranking below humans in the Darwinian food chain. In another case of animals following the terrible example set by that inappropriate movie “Madagascar” (the first case being this one), a lioness escaped from the San Juan zoo after some douche left the cage door open. After the zoo authorities realized she was missing, the terrified neighbors rushed home to escape the menacing, blood-thirsty beast, who obviously responded to the name “Simba”. So yeah, not only they are completely devoid of originality, they also named her after a male character in The Lion King. Nice. Anyway, Simba was strutting down the area, minding her own business when the so-called “Ecological Police” spotted her and enacted their carefully developed plans to bring her back to her cage. So they shot her with a tranquilizer dart to calm her down. Then they shot her with another one, just in case. And another one. Then she finally collapsed and fell asleep so everyone could… – oops, they killed her.

• Speaking of killing animals, you know how those pesky seagulls are always gutting whales and hurling their insides all over the ocean, traumatizing little Timmy for good and ruining everyone’s whale watching experience? No? The Chubut province does, and it has enacted a brilliant plan to get… – Oh, Gawker beat me to it.

• The scandal surrounding the controversial and pro-Cristina youth activist group La Campora continues, as detractors compare it to the Hitler Youth (which is false) and supporters compare it to the Boy Scouts (which is also false). So after several claims that the group was “brainwashing” school children and indoctrinating them with Kirchnerite mantras, the City Government decided to take action by setting up a 0-800 number that you can use to denounce La Cámpora activities. Too bad such a move is blatantly illegal, so a judge had no choice but to intercede.

• Also, in case you care to know, articulate and omnipresent Kirchnerite senator Aníbal Fernández addressed the toll-free number controversy by telling Mayor Macri to “shove the fascist 0-8000 number up his fucking ass.” Insightful and powerful words coming from the mustache man himself. Hopefully we will all sit back and reflect after this.

• There’s a new minimum wage in Argentina, and no matter how much you complain, it’s still not enough to get yourself and iPad.

• Also, if you’re one of the few lucky bastards who get to travel abroad, any purchase you make with your credit card will be charged a 15% income tax advance. If you think that’s kind of a convoluted scheme, don’t worry, you’re supposed to.

• Of course Argentina was going to find a way to make the death of Neil Armstrong all about her. Sure, the great American hero may have claimed ownership of the moon by sticking the US flag there and leaving it for good, but you know which flag also landed on the moon that day? This one. Suck on that, USSR!

• A dangerous 23-year-old pedophile that had been on the FBI’s target list for a long time was finally arrested. “Where?” you say? Where else! Salta, obvio.

• Ready for the latest viral sensation that spreading all over Latin America like a weaponized strain of Ebola? Then put on your dancing shoes and leave your chair, because once you are hypnotized by the over-confident charm of Colibritany you will never be able to stop jumping up and down and shaking your body like an idiot. Colibritany (yeah, that’s her stage name) is turning 15 next month, and she is offering the Quinceañera party of a lifetime. In order to do so, she has carefully crafted a video invite targeting anyone in the world who has access to You Tube, announcing in the process that she’s looking for her “sexy chambelán.” Now, I have no idea what a sexy chambelán is because I’m lazy and I couldn’t be bothered to look it up, but I assume she’s looking for a guy to hook up with [UPDATE: It’s actually the guy escorting the birthday girl as she enters the party]. I don’t know what’s more diabetes-inducing: the Twilight paraphernalia, her armpit-shaving, the pink Hummer, praising that her dad got her some earrings in thirteen payments (zero interest!) or when she vows to let her date go “south of the equator”. Did I mention she’s fourteen? OK. Just checking. So if for some reason you have lots of money and are crazy enough to attend Colibritany’s Quinceañera celebration, it’s on September 18th. in some place called “Jardines de Cocoyoc” (country undisclosed, but I suspect Mexico). Oh, and if you need directions it is “right across from the Wal*Mart”. At least that’s what the video says. Make you sure you Instagram the shit out of that thing.

• I may have been gone for two weeks, but Dancing With The Starswas not.
  

  American hero and probably Argentine citizen Neil Armstrong. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  And their crazy shenanigans continued to mar the screen with desperate attempts for ratings and hilarious (in a not-funny way) stunts, such as bringing out a cow on stage and watching it urinate all over the dance floor or forcing a septuagenarian guy try a sexy move over the kitchen counter only to gracefully plummet to the (probably still urinated) floor, cracking his skull in the process. Oh, Argentine TV. I have missed you.

• Speaking of other relevant news, you know how finally joined Twitter? Marcelo Tinelli, Argentine TV legend and current Dancing With The Stars host, not that you care. Obviously he was soon hacked by what I suspect was a cheeky teenager, since of all the relevant topics the hacked could have addressed by momentarily sequestering such an important platform, he chose to go with: “Hi. I’m gay.” Sigh.

• Yes, that is badass sword-wielding Viggo Mortensen starring in the new Argentine film “Todos Tenemos Un Plan.” In case you didn’t know, he spent his childhood here and speaks perfect Argentine Spanish. Which means that, just like Neil Armstrong, he is also Argentine.

• Nouveau riche and village idiot Mariana Nannis is my new unconventional hero. Sure, I vilify her for spawning Charlotte Chantal and Alex, the children of the corn gone wrong. But despite her severe flaws, her gigantic stupidity makes me laugh. You see, rumor has it that the Nannis clan is broke and all those displays of endless glamour are nothing but a front as they try to milk money out of wherever they can. A few weeks ago, she denounced that $300,000 dollars had disappeared from her hotel room in the Faena and demanded compensation (smart move, Mrs. Nannis, *wink, wink*). Unfortunately she forgot about the tough AFIP agency and its army of dollar-smelling dogs, who immediately demanded she explains where that money came from since she failed to declare any foreign currency upon her arrival to Argentina last May. Anyway, long story short she’s now a fugitive and had to escape hidden in the trunk of a car. Ha! I told you she was my hero.

• And speaking of people who are over the hill, remember local diva and international criminal Moria Casán? It seems Paraguay has confirmed its request to extradite her and take her to trial there since she’s suspected of stealing a very expensive necklace. Moria, however, doesn’t care and is currently performing in a play in which she gets to make out with her daughter (as in her actual daughter). Oh, lighten up. It’s a play. If it’s any consolation they don’t get to have sex.

• The local Spanish-speaking media, so savvy and polyglot, spent all Thursday making fun of a Carlos Tévez interview in which he, as usual, struggles to speak English in front of the cameras. You know what, local media? Shut the fuck up. The guy is brave enough to stand there and fend-off questions in a different language, and I’m sure most of those idiots giggling in front of the cameras couldn’t answer half of the questions he was asked.

• Yes, I just defended a football player. Whatever.

• OK, now you can comment on Cristina’s “great Egyptian architect” statement.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

It’s Friday again!

And today is of course a very special day for all of us!

No, I’m not talking about today being another holiday to commemorate the death of Argentina’s forefather José de San Martín (which, by the way, was moved to Monday to make it a long weekend for some reason. Wouldn’t Friday be the same thing?).

No, the reason is that this column is turning two years old this week!

It was almost two years ago that out of a drunken epiphany I decided to create a weekly summary of Argentine news for the average (i.e. lazy) expats who took pride in claiming that they didn’t care who the president of this country was.

Hence the first Weekly News Roundup (seen here) was born on a cold, rainy morning of August 20th, 2010.

It was a short, unfunny, half-assed attempt at writing something different that only got two comments, one of them from a friend of mine (meaning it doesn’t count) and the other from some guy who congratulated me for being “very optimist” (I assume he meant optimistic). And look! I hadn’t even adopted the name “Bono” as my nom de plume!

But despite the public’s intentional indifference I persisted because I pretty much had nothing better to do with my life, and a few years, a lot of practice and a lot of hate mail later, this column evolved naturally into the beautiful, stylistic piece of shit prose that it is today.

So even though it’s only 9 AM, I raise my glass and salute you, my loyal readers/detractors who week after week come to this column to laugh/become infected with rage.

This is only the beginning.

And remember to like our Weekly News Roundup Facebook page so you can keep up with the coming changes.

Oh! And I almost forgot: I’m going away on vacation this weekend so don’t expect a Weekly News Roundup next Friday.

I know, scary right? It’s like when you were little and you lost your mom in the amusement park. You knew she would come back eventually because it’s a closed environment, but in the meantime it was up to you to survive.

Well, that’s you next week. Make me proud.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Three weeks ago no one gave a shit about Taekwondo. Some guy winds a gold medal. Now everyone’s a fan. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, who never lets a photo op go to waste, welcomed in Casa Rosada the Argentine athletes who competed in the London 2012 Olympics and, flanked by new national hero and only gold winner Sebastián Crismanich, boasted that since the Kirchners took over in 2003 Argentina has won a total of 16 medals. Sure, when you say it like that you naturally go “That’s it?”, but considering that in the 44 years before the country had only obtained fourteen, she was proud to congratulate those that with perseverance, honor, courage and self-confidence had brought joy to their nation.

• Then of course she fucked it all up by applauding the women’s national field hockey team for kicking the UK’s ass in the Olympics. “When you defeated England, it was like winning a gold medal. It’s a good thing you won! Otherwise I would have been so upset!” she laughed. Hah! Nothing like some healthy incitement to xenophobia in the hands of a charismatic leader. I can’t wait to see what she has in store for Rio 2016.

• Everyone’s favorite mischievous Vice-President Amado Boudou had the dubious honor of being included in a list of trouble-making veeps from around the world published this week on Foreign Policy. Along with Boudou are four other VP superstars, including Sierra Leone’s Samuel Sam-Sumana and Sudan’s Ali Osman Taha. It’s like the international affairs version of The Breakfast Club, in which Boudou is obviously Emilio Estevez and Sam-Sumana is a machete-wielding Judd Nelson. I don’t know about you but I would totally pay to go see that.

• Now, I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about what was probably the biggest story of the week, involving the Indec national statistics agency and their infamous report saying that you can eat with only $6 pesos a day. Even though most of the media coverage surrounding that story was not entirely accurate, everyone knows their inflation index is nothing short of a joke. So the Argentine chapter of the hacktivist group Anonymous, obviously not amused but such a blatant display of disregard for the public’s intelligence, decided that it was fair game to hack the Indec’s website, just for shits and giggles.

• After the most nightmarish and paralyzing week to have ever been experienced in Buenos Aires since the Toddy cookies disappeared from the shelves, the subway workers came to a “feeble” agreement with the City Government and Metrovías after ten days of strike. The most important part of this paragraph is the word “feeble,” since it means chances are we’ll be dealing with another strike in just a couple of weeks.

• As further evidence that this is a ticking time bomb of unfathomable proportions, the City government has announced that five new subway stations have been finished but cannot be opened to the public because there aren’t enough trains.

• Jesus, just shut down the whole thing and leave it there. Don’t you watch scary movies? Worst case scenario, it becomes a hideout for comic book villains and mutant creatures that feed on homeless people. At $2.50 a ride that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

• Now that the Olympics are over and Argentine athletes don’t have to worry about being deported from England before obtaining any medals, we can all go back to the usual bickering about the Malvinas/Falklands. Newspapers around the country were horrified over the impending arrival of a warship to the islands this week that they themselves announced only a few months ago and now seemed to have completely forgotten about it.

• And because one Malvinas/Falklands-related scandal a week is obviously not enough, the local media decided to run a shocking non-story accusing the Uruguayans of referring to the islands as “Falklands” instead of “Malvinas,” as any respectable non-imperialist Latin nation would do. The preposterous and offensive error was found in some random document no one gives a shit about and was clearly the result of an hungover intern, but that did’t stop the local press from pretty much accusing the Uruguayans of treason. Fortunately President José Mujíca apologized in time before both nations broke relations and announced he would launch “an official investigation”. No, he did. Like, for real.

• Awesome news, everyone! Finally here’s something you can show your parents so they can shut up about how you’re throwing your life away in some South American city that is slowly spinning into the boiling rivers of the Underworld. According to prestigious magazine “The Economist,” Buenos Aires has been picked as Latin America’s best city to live in. In your face, Brazilian Buenos Aires!

• And those of you who complained about the current state of things in this country and moved to Uruguay, you can stay there. We don’t want you back.

• The Córdoba province, not content with trying to expel all prostitutes from its sovereign territory a few weeks ago, is now openly warning that if you have an “amputated penis” you cannot join the police force. That’s right, transsexuals! If you wanna be a cop you gotta take it like a man. That means: have a penis. The new regulation also rejects people who are missing one finger, have diabetes or a stutter. Keep making everyone proud, Córdoba! I can’t wait for you to outlaw divorce and reinstate the use of leeches for curing cancer.

• And speaking of fucked up provinces, remember Salta? You can now add this to the list of weird crimes taking place there. Seriously that place needs its own special CSI unit. Just stay away from it.

• Ready to be enraged? Here’s a domestic violence video that was all over the news and went viral this week showing a coward asshole beating his ex-wife in front of their daughter.

• Ready to be enraged even more? His only punishment is to stay away from the woman for 90 days.

• As more cases like these continue to surface, at least one political party has reacted in some sort of way and called for Congress to declare a national emergency on gender violence, since according to a new report cases have increased a 57% in the last two years.

• OK, this is the part you don’t want your parents to know about. Just stick to the article on The Economist and you’ll be fine.

• This week, in Completely Unnecessary Displays of Self-confidence:
  

  You will never look at Delacroix’s painting the same way after being exposed to Moria Casán’s intoxicating photographs. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  former erotica star and current wrinkled grandmother Moria Casán wants you to know that she is not losing any sleep over accusations that she stole an $80,000 necklace from a Paraguayan jeweler. So she agreed to a racy and gag-inducing photo shoot for Noticias magazine, in which she impersonates Lady Liberty herself, spear in hand and Phrygian cap on wig. The photos are NSFW but don’t worry, the worst parts are censored, praise Jesus. Just make sure you don’t click on that link with the lights off.

• Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

• Agh, who am I kidding. I wasn’t even gonna go.

• And regarding football: it’s been awfully quiet lately. It’s almost as if such dead calm is announcing a coming storm that will explode in a ravaging sea of fire and fury, destroying everything in its path until no living thing is left standing. The hooligans are silent, the players aren’t engaging in prostitution scandals and the sports commentators are surprisingly accurate during the games. So since there’s nothing interesting to tell, here’s the gruesome video of a leg fracture during an Argentinos Juniors match last weekend. Enjoy!

Film writer Wendy Gosselin attends the premier of a three-year film project that questions the education system worldwide.

There were two long lines of people waiting to get into the Buenos Aires premier of the documentary film ‘La Educación Prohibida’ (The Prohibited Education). Young people were drinking mate and lighting one another’s cigarettes; older people studied the crowd to try to greet someone they knew. The woman standing next to me was involved in production and very excited to talk more about the film with me. “It’s about the difference between schools and education, about how schools fail children in so many ways, making them into obedient subjects who are capable of little more than reciting what they’ve heard in class. It films educators discussing these issues in eight different countries.”

From what I gauged at the premier, there are two critical aspects of the project ‘La Educación Prohibida’. The first is the way this documentary film was made and distributed and its determination to continue on past the actual screening of the film. The idea was born three years ago when the young and clearly charismatic director Germán Doin (before the film was even shown, he received a standing ovation when he got up to speak) decided to do a short film and post it on youtube. Doin was plagued with what education should mean and what schools actually provide. His video was an invitation to others to pose similar questions, conduct interviews and come onboard the project. The final result is an audiovisual project involving a total of over 150 crew members, actors, filmmakers and artists and 704 co-producers worldwide. Monday marked the film’s premier at 151 independent screening rooms across the world. According to Doin, on Monday alone, 18,000 people had seen the film, a true achievement for a film project of this kind and a triumph for independent productions worldwide.

The second and, in my view, least interesting aspect of the project is the film itself. First of all, the film drags out across an astounding and unnecessary two hours seventeen minutes of fictional interludes, interviews with educators and textbook-like animations. As would be expected of a film with 704 co-producers, the film covers a range of topics that is too broad, covering everything from the history of humanity (rounded off with the classic depiction of the monkey standing up straighter until he at lasts takes on the form of a human male) to the history of education, with stops along the way to include comparisons of babies with tree seedlings (seedlings, it seems, take all the light and water they need from their environment; children would be best left to do the same).

For Doin and his co-producers, apparently, there is nothing worthwhile in today’s mainstream schools, which are basically enormous day care centres. The fictional interludes depict two high school students who claim that their education has taught them nothing and are willing to say as much at a school function, with renowned actor Gastón Pauls as their frustrated but somewhat sympathetic teacher. These are supplemented by actors who play clichéd Draconian teachers who stare straight at the camera and yell. We see elementary school students with their hands tied behind their backs and high school students dressed in grey t-shits reciting lessons in a robotic twang. I could almost hear Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’ playing in the background.

These fictional interludes are contrasted with thoughtful onscreen quotes by figures such as Maria Montessori, Paulo Freire, Albert Einstein, and Rudolf Steiner and by real life interviews with more “progressive” educators in the tradition of Waldorf, Kilpatrick, Sudbury and Montessori. They hail from institutions like the Pachamama School in Ecuador, the Ideas School in Colombia and the Red de Educación Libre in Spain: schools with no grades, no exams, and open groups comprised of students of all ages where young people move freely about according to their interests and abilities. The focus, according to these educators, should be on liberty and simultaneous exploration; children correct themselves and teachers limit themselves to serving as helpful guides. However, the few scenes where we actually see “examples” of this type of education are limited to nursery schools where children touch each other and build things out of blocks (doesn’t this happen at nursery schools everywhere?). Other depictions of desirable education are bucolic scenes where children roam free in large green spaces, locations for education that I am hard-pressed to imagine in an urban setting like Buenos Aires. From time to time, childish animations pop up showing frowning stick figures with bubble captions that read: “I am not just a number.”

There are some interesting questions posed by ‘La Educación Prohibida’: school curriculums are often obsolete and out of touch with the real world and many students do get lost in the system and then lose their desire to learn. Yet although we hear plenty from the representatives of the educational institutions where students are supposedly encouraged to explore their own individual potential, the students themselves are absent from the big screen. And in spite of the film’s broad criticism of the school system, real-life public school teachers of the countries surveyed are missing. Couldn’t these teachers have something more to contribute than the atrocious stereotypes we are subject to in their fictional depictions? In terms of the critique of the whole educational system, another glaring omission is the difference between public and private schools. Aren’t private schools more likely to fulfil the mandates of an open, more comprehensive education the co-producers all seem to favour?

What is ultimately “prohibited” in The Prohibited Education is the possibility of examining these questions in a real, in-depth way. This perhaps reflects the age of the production team, who are all aged 21 to 24. I would be very much interested to see what Doin and his crew have to say about education 20 years from now, when they have their own children and are obliged to make certain compromises in terms of their education in order to help them find their own way in the world. Reflections such as these could be summarized in a much shorter and succinct film on the same subject. Ultimately, I am more interested in the way Doin put together an international network to explore his subject and the way he used the digital medium to get it up on the web and spread the word – as of publishing, more than a half million people had downloaded the film from the website – than in the actual film his team of ardent collaborators produced.

It’s Friday again!

And if you live in Buenos Aires, chances are you’re pissed off right now.

It’s been the worst week ever in this city. Dreadful weather. Nightmarish traffic. A seven-day, record-breaking subway strike, and on top of that Nick Carter is in town.

Oh, don’t worry, I had to google him too.

This is an insult to your porteño-centric view of the world. Buenos Aires ain’t the expat sanctuary it once used to be, is it? I mean Nick Carter, really?

What is this, a cruise for singles headed to Saint Kitts and Nevis, or any of those other Caribbean islands with the pretentious names?

And those kids from One Direction should take a hint and exploit their current fame as much as they can. Because one moment you’re selling thousands of seats for the Madison Square Garden and BAM! Ten years later your selling less than ten tickets for the Gran Rex Theater in Buenos Aires and people find out you’re in town thanks to this shitty column.

You’re welcome.

Please don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook so you can keep up with future columns.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Buenos Aires this week, as seen through your window. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Oh, boy. We’re never going to hear the end of this. In a controversial speech this week, the Queen of Diversity and also President of this country, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner finally put us all smug Europeans in a corner and called us for what we really are: a bunch of racist idiots. Oh, yes, she did. But let me give you some context information, because otherwise it sounds horrible:

• While opening a new school for the Qom indigenous community in the Chaco province so they’re distracted with something and finally stop bothering her, she started talking to Chaco governor Jorge Capitanich about how even though he looks indigenous his ancestors are actually from “xenophobic” Europe. As some in the audience squirmed in their seats, she doubled down by saying “What!? Europeans are all xenophobic!”. Half a second later she realized of her egregious fuck up and rolled her eyes. “Oh, I’m never going to hear the end of this tomorrow!” The bunch of seals applauding in the audience kind of agreed.

• After buying some time, she non-apologized by saying she had never said what she said two minutes earlier and clarified that she also comes from European ancestors, although “we must admit that there’s an important part of Europe that has a xenophobic component.” To prove her point, she mentioned the Inquisition. It’s like being in a history class! Only the teacher is drunk.

• My favorite part is when they start discussing Hugo Chávez’s ethnicity. “He’s kind of a half-breed, isn’t he? He’s half-indigenous and something else?”. Fortunately, Domestic Trade Secretary Guillermo Moreno was sitting in the audience and contributed by saying “Africa! Because he’s got curly hair!” Ha! Someone should give these people a reality show.

• But not all is lost with Cristina, because this week she finally had it with the press making up stories about her, and as she attended the opening ceremony of some new YPF technobabble technique used to increase hydrodesulfurization of gas in the country or some incomprehensible thing like that, she went on live television to denounce the many, many lies of your favorite newspapers Clarin and La Nación regarding YPF and said she wanted Congress to come up with a public ethics law, that forces journalists to say which companies are backing them financially so at least you know whose interests they are representing when they criticize her untarnished administration.

• This, of course, means I’m fucked. Because according to some of you, my loyal – yet dissident – readers, these are some of the people/organizations that include me on their payroll in order to “talk shit about this country in a column that no one reads”: the UCR, Mauricio Macri, the CIA, ExxonMobil, Hugo Chávez, the US Embassy in Buenos Aires, the Victory Front, Julian Assange, David Cameron, the Malvinas/Falklands islanders and also my mother, because I remember one reader wrote to say he wondered “how much money my parents were paying The Argentina Independent to let me write so much crap.” So yeah, I guess that includes my mom too. As you can see, I consider all your letters to be special and I keep them close to my heart.

• Moving on to what is probably the story of the week: a surfing cat!

• No, I’m kidding. This week, the city of Buenos Aires has become the epicenter of panic and despair as subway workers continue with an eight-day strike that has forced millions of people to walk, take cabs, ride bikes or – God forbid – take buses. Have you even tried to ride a bus during rush hour? Try it! It’s fun. You get yelled at by the bus driver, you get yelled at by old ladies, you get yelled at by people who are outside the bus and hate you because you’re inside the bus and you get poked and prodded by a lot of male genitalia (FYI: it doesn’t matter if you’re a guy).

• Meanwhile, in the dark caverns of the underworld (meaning, below the city, in the subway stations): THIS.

• Yeah, that’s right. Those are the subway workers on strike, screening a movie inside one of the cars. I can imagine them all giggling in their pajamas, throwing popcorn at each other and stuff, God bless them.

• Also, there’s this little campaign making the rounds on the social networks, calling on all citizens to respond to this week’s strike by refusing to pay to ride the subway next Monday. First of all, you’re delusional for thinking by Monday the subway will be working again. What kind of utopia do you think we’re living in? Mexico City? And second, let me know how that stunt goes for you when the cops start beating your head with a baton. Good luck!

• Because the city wasn’t enough of a mess this week, as thousands were forced to take the Mitre train line to go to work, the train obviously derailed. 31 people were injured in the crash. You knew it was going to happen.

• The train station in Retiro, one of the busiest ones during rush hour, was forced to shut down the Mitre line due to the crash. By Tuesday night, Buenos Aires was about to collectively kill itself.

• Another derailment took place on that same line one day later.

• Twice.

• And a day after that: this. How’s that for a late reaction, huh?

• Fun fact: Stay away from the Santojanni Hospital, that place is cursed. Seriously, if you go there because you have a headache chances are you’ll end up in a body bag after receiving multiple stab wounds. In the last year a man was stabbed and killed in the emergency room, two gangs of hooligans clashed in the hallways and now an angry mob completely trashed the place in response to an alleged malpractice case. Doctors in the city’s public hospitals went on a 24-hour strike to protest the lack of security staff in the premises, which of course amounted to absolutely nothing.

It’s Friday and it’s raining!

So let’s skip the weekly customary ice breaker that you have come to love so much and start talking about the things that matter.

Also please don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook so you can keep up with future columns.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Diva and probable white glove thief Moria Casán. Don’t worry, you’ll understand why she’s here. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Good riddance (Part 1)! After ten years of carrying this massive dead weight over its shoulders, the Argentine population has finally managed to leave behind the terrifying financial crisis that drove this country into utter disaster (at least on paper, because we know that the fear of losing all their savings will never entirely leave their minds). Today, Argentina pays the last installment of the Boden 2012 bonds, and everybody is happy. At least in theory. Yesterday, speaking from the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner gave a heartfelt message on national television, explaining with charts and other incomprehensible financial data about the importance of such payment. So here’s her 70-minute-long speech which you’re obviously not going to watch.

• Speaking of yesterday’s event, here are some photos depicting the extreme tension between sworn frienemies President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner and Buenos Aires Mayor Mauricio Macri, who were forced to sit together despite their well-known distaste for each other, and like two kids in high school, begrudgingly accepted. This is the hilarious result. Trust me, if there was a caption contest for the fourth photograph, “Oh no, sorry. I don’t dance!” would win hands down.

• Good riddance (Part 2)! No longer will we have to be prisoners of our own fears and be relegated to enjoying the goodness of football from our dungeon-like homes. Because thanks to technology, the AFA and our all-mighty National Government, who decided to engage in a crusade against criminal activities inside football stadiums, we can all now heave a sigh of relief and enjoy our favorite sport just seating a few meters away from where the real action is taking place. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Extermi-Hooligan 3000 (yes, I made up the name), a state-of-the-art device so advanced that it could beat up Robocop with its eyes closed. If it had eyes, that is. The EH3000 fits in a small suitcase and features a fingerprint reader that anyone trying to enter a stadium before a game will have to go through. If you have no criminal records, you’re cleared by a green light. If you’re a psycho killer who is willingly going through the fingerprint scanner just for the thrill of it, a red light tells the closest police officer to arrest you. Simple, is it not? So here’s footage from the Government’s official introduction of the EH3000 the other day. Enjoy.

• You didn’t click on that, did you? Well, you missed the joke then.

• Now, if you thought that the National Government couldn’t do worse than that classic 80s scene, you’re wrong. When Cristina was given the dubious honor of being the first one to try the new system on live television, it obviously didn’t work.

• Some guy named Mariano (presumably a technician) was immediately called on stage. By now we know that Mariano, who doesn’t even have a last name, is obviously the equivalent of a red shirt character. “It would appear you have a low-quality fingerprint…” he had the audacity to tell Cristina as he swallowed hardly. “This guy won’t last here five seconds!” she joked as she turned towards the audience. See? I told you: red shirt! His head is now on a pike outside the Casa Rosada.

• As the scanner failed to read her fingerprint several times, Interior Minister Florencio Randazzo, sweating nervously because he was the one responsible for buying them, asked Cristina’s sister-in-law, Alicia Kirchner, to give it a try. As she pressed her thumb on the reader and the light on the screen turned green, uncomfortable laughter began to spread across the audience, while Cristina giggled and tried to remain calm and pretend she wasn’t going to behead everyone in the audience as soon as the cameras went off.

• But everyone’s favorite part was when they decided to invite AFA head Julio Grondona, who everyone in the country considers to be the Latin version of mob boss Don Corleone, so he could give it a shot as well. A collective gasp and “ooooooooh” was heard, as people present realized the light would turn red and the machine would then explode due to a system overload as soon as his fingerprint came close to that reader. Even Cristina began laughing uncontrollably, shaking her head and waving her arms saying “Hell, no!” as she took a step back. (See? Even she knows he’s dirty! I love this country). Yet, surprisingly, the light turned green.

• The light turned green, people. Grondona, arguably the biggest crook on Earth, placed his thumb there and THE LIGHT TURNED GREEN. That’s it, I give up. I’m moving to Chad.

• So yes, clearly those new devices that cost us taxpayers like 50 trillion pesos are of questionable effectiveness. But hey, the lowest-priced ticket for a regular First Division match will now cost $60 thanks to the ever-present inflation, so I’m pretty sure criminals couldn’t even afford to get in anyway.

• Oh, yeah. Probably neither will you.

• Ready for five days of traffic chaos and social mayhem? You better be, because starting tonight at 9 pm, our beloved Subte closes its doors until Thursday morning. Yes, of course it’s because of a strike. Why else would it be? Just be thankful it hasn’t been shut down completely forever, considering the jurisdiction mess that thing is. So let’s see: subways on strike, taxis are impossible to afford, you don’t own a car and you hardly ever use your bike because you’re terrified it might get stolen. Yup. If bus drivers go on strike you’re definitely fucked.

• [UPDATE] The strike may or may not be lifted by Monday. As usual, no one is sure of anything.

• In the department of awesome – yet completely irrelevant – news: Mayor Mauricio Macri, who clearly has a lot of time to spare, wants Buenos Aires “to become the International Capital of Love.” No, seriously, he does.

• OUTRAGE! Argentines are enraged and foaming at the mouth due to a barbaric act of vandalism that has once again escalated tensions between Buenos Aires and London. This week, residents of the Malvinas/Falklands woke up to what was probably the most exciting thing to happen there since one of their sheep went missing a few years ago: the Argentine Military Cemetery had been broken into and the glass protecting a figurine of the Virgin Mary had been smashed to pieces by some sociopath. A shameful, reprehensible act, clearly. But the usual drama-queenism ensued and everyone here began pointing fingers towards England, as if it had been Queen Elizabeth II herself who sneaked in there in the middle of the night wearing a ski mask and brandishing a sledge hammer. England, of course, promised “a full, thorough investigation.” Well, yeah, how hard can it be? What’s the population on the islands, 12 people? Just blame the town drunk, he probably did it. Go to his house and arrest him, for God’s sake, it’s not like you need CSI: Malvinas to find the culprit.

• In order to perpetuate the notion that everyone involved in this bilateral conflict has the mental development of a five-year-old, the Buenos Aires province senate recently passed the Gaucho Rivero bill, which bans all British vessels involved in the exploration of hydrocarbons in the Malvinas/Falklands area from docking in the provincial ports. The bill was named in honor of Antonio Rivero, a gaucho who murdered five islanders back when the islands were seized by the British a million years ago. Oh, I’m sure naming it after a rebellious murderer is gonna make things a lot smoother, people.

• OUTRAGE (Part 2)! Ralph Lauren is leaving the country!!! (No, not the person, you idiots. The eponymous clothing brand.) Don’t worry though, they said it’s just a temporary thing, until trade restrictions are back to normal. Then we’ll all once again be able to choose not to go buy there.

• This week, in “New Currency Exchange Restrictions put in place to make your life more miserable than it already is“: Traveling to a bordering country? Then very soon you may no longer be allowed to purchase dollars, fool! You’ll have to buy whatever currency they have available and that’s final.

• Also, remember the guy arrested in Uruguay a few weeks ago who needed $5,000 dollars? Yeah, no one does. So I guess he may be spending the rest of his life in prison.

• Naughty, naughty! If you live in a country (gated community in the Greater Buenos Aires area), chances are your a serious tax evader. According to the media (and those guys are always right), four out of ten homeowners living there don’t pay taxes. Look, even La Nación is saying it! Rich people in this country have it so hard. First Ralph Lauren leaves and now this? We’re all doomed.

• Conservatives in this country are once again up in arms after learning that for the first time two gay men were officially allowed to register their baby – born of a surrogate mother in India – as their son. Congratulations, guys! (Congratulations to the gay parents, not to the conservatives for being up in arms. You know, just so we’re clear).

• So let’s say you enter a store and while you’re minding your own business a couple of armed robbers walk in. All hell breaks loose. OMG, please don’t kill me, arms in the air and all that. You know how it is, you’ve seen Point Break. So as the situation becomes chaotic you’ll understandably try to take advantage of it, because that’s what any regular human being would do. And as the store clerks are still in shock because someone was close to blowing their brains, you take your chance and grab some of the money they dropped on their way out because, hey, it was going to be stolen anyway, right? Wrong. You’ve been caught on tape. At least the robbers had a life purpose, they went in there to rob. What’s your excuse? You are a disgrace.

• Because having the glamorous Charlotte and Alexander Caniggia twins shoved down our throats everyday through the blessings of Argentine television is not enough, the local media are now checking Charlotte’s Facebook page and writing full-length articles about every brainfart she posts there. So when the lovable duet decided to upload this video of them dancing erratically and looking jacked up to their eyeballs, the media picked it up and turned it into a story about their “private party”. Ha! I know, I know. We journalists are douchebags.

• But hey, not all is lost in journalism, apparently. That quintessential 90s guy with a pony tail, dancing in the back? Apparently a gay porn star, thanks to this serious investigative piece. Phew! And I thought for a second this industry was doomed.

• Former diva and current Egyptian mummy Moria Casán was in a bit of a conundrum this week after finishing a gig in Paraguay. Casán, who we’ve come to love after centuries of cringe-inducing moments as a judge on Dancing With The Stars, was accused of stealing some jewelry worth $70,000 dollars she was supposed to wear on stage for a while and “forgot to return or something like that.” She was let go and allowed to return to Argentina the morning after, praise the Lord. The cops even admittedly “looked under her wig” to see if she had concealed them there, but found nothing. No, she really does wear a wig! She was born during the Pangaea period or something! Here she is, taking a dive in a water tank for some reason and totally losing her wig in the process.

• Hey! These are all important moments in Argentine pop culture, who cares if it’s not informative?! Shut up.

• Oh, and the missing jewels never turned up. But whatever, it’s Paraguay, right? … RIGHT?!

• [UPDATE] A Paraguayan court has issued an arrest warrant for Moria Casán and she has until Monday to appear before the judge. If she doesn’t, Interpol will be told to start looking for her. Oh this is going to be fun.

• Regarding the Olympics, I’ll be brief: so far Argentina has sucked at
  

  While I was writing this column in some random bar, Juan Martín Del Potro lost against Roger Federer in the Olympics. That’s the only reason why I chose to use his photo. Don’t complain, it was either him or the Caniggias. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  everything. Well, not really, but you know that standards for success here are impossibly high. You either win the gold or you’re a disgrace, period. The only hope right now is Juan Martin del Potro, who as I write these lines is playing against Roger Federer or something [UPDATE: He ended up with a bronze medal. Congrats!]. As an extremely blunt sports commentator said on TV after describing his disillusionment with Argentina’s performance in London: “in a few days, the football tournament begins and the Olympics go back to being a minor issue.” The Argentine athletes I’m sure are thrilled to hear that.

• When Homer wrote the Oddissey thousands of years ago (if you clicked on “Homer” because you weren’t sure whether I was talking about Homer Simpson or not, please close this browser and never EVER come back because if you do I swear to God I’ll shoot you), his vivid imagination inspired him to create a wondrous world of magical creatures and a very, very passive-aggressive Penelope. His tales of adventure, however, have no comparison to the string of mishaps that befell on Boca Juniors during a week-long tour throughout South America, briefly described here:

• After a series of games around Latin America that ended in Venezuela last week, the popular football team was getting ready to return to Argentina when they were told their plane had a little problem and couldn’t take off.

• That’s when they realized they didn’t have any money left to hire another plane, so they had to wait for their plane to be fixed. In the meantime, they were sent to some hotel in Caracas.

• Boca Juniors defender Rolando Schiavi, upset about the hotel they were sent to, took to his personal diary to express his displeasure with it, calling it “a roach hotel with dirty sheets and rat food.” Unfortunately, his personal diary is Twitter, so he immediately caused a scandal that resonated all across South America. He quickly deleted his tweets, but the damage was already done. Venezuelans were not happy.

• After waiting for days for a charter flight back to Buenos Aires, they finally got it, but there was one catch: it had to make a stop in Bolivia. The agreed, by now they were desperate to return.

• After a brief stop in Bolivia, they began their final approach to the City when they learned that a dense fog had invaded the Buenos Aires area, for which they couldn’t land here. Their flight was rerouted to Cordoba, where they would be forced to spend the night.

• Upon their arrival in Cordoba, they were told there was no room for them in any hotel.

• The closest hotel for them was in Villa Carlos Paz, 36 kilometers away from Córdoba.

• They looked down in resignation and took a bus to Villa Carlos Paz.

• They woke up like 20 minutes later and went back to their plane, which finally took off.

• Their plane crashed on the island from Lost.

• They finally returned to Buenos Aires yesterday evening. Which means the Torneo Inicial (and football in general) are back tomorrow after a brief period of calm and relaxation. FML.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

• Oh, I almost forgot! All Boys had to go through the same ordeal since they were on the same tour and booked on the same charter, but no one really cared about them.

Don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And are you trying to hide somewhere where the fake global excitement over the Olympics can’t find you?

Then you’ve come to the right place my friend.

Because I will not be mentioning them at all (except for this part in which I have to mention them to say that I will not be mentioning them, you know how it is).

And let’s face it, all we care about is the opening/closing ceremonies and how many medals our country won.

I’m not trying to be a cynic here, I’m just saying no one gives a shit about how far a javelin can go. That’s all.

All we care about is the gold, and that’s a fact.

Ready for another crazy week of Argentine mishaps?

Then this is what you need to know:

• 

  Not Madonna. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Are you willing to open your heart to the never fading charm of Evita‘s smile? It was the 60th anniversary of Eva Peron’s death yesterday and there were countless ceremonies throughout the country to remember the so-called “standard bearer of the humble.” Among the many celebrations carried out this week, the most important one was the one held in the government house by President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, in which she unveiled a new commemorative $100 peso bill featuring Evita’s portrait. Even though this was originally a limited edition thing, Cristina urged the authorities to eventually replace the note currently in use with these new more Peronist-friendly version.

• One of the reasons why the government wants to get rid of the $100 peso bills you’re using right now is because they feature the portrait of former president Julio A. Roca, a polarizing figure who is lauded by many because he broke relations with the Vatican and instituted secular education in Argentina, but is reviled by others because he pretty much exterminated every indigenous tribe south of La Pampa in the so-called “Conquest of the Desert.” So, who do you pick? Genocidal maniac or Madonna?

• Oops! Well, this is awkward. Apparently there is a little design flaw in these flawless new bills, and they can’t be read by regular ATM machines. Which means that, at least when it comes to this first batch of 20 million bills and until this error is corrected, it’s gonna be a fucking nightmare to get them from the bank. Looks like we’re gonna have to stick to the genocidal maniac for a little longer than expected.

• Of course, the money-printing authorities were fast to deny this and accused the anti-Government media of “slandering Evita.” Who should you believe? Well, that’s for you to decide. Consider the Argentine media to be some fucked-up version of the Choose Your Own Adventure book series. Only difference is no matter what the outcome, the population always loses.

• Here’s a fun fact: Cristina has a very dirty mind. Most of the time we don’t get to see that side of her because she’s always bitching about stuff or yelling at others. But whenever she’s in a good mood, she starts making dirty jokes. And guess what: she made one this week! While she was attending the opening ceremony of a cosmetics factory in Berazategui via teleconference, she started talking to a girl who said she was in charge of “handling tubes.” So Cristina had the brilliant idea of asking the guy standing next to her is he was in charge of “llenarle el pomo“ (loosely translated as “filling her tubes”). “That was a little dirty for a President, don’t you think?” she wondered. Stay classy, Madame President!

• It’s official: we’re China’s Latin American bitch.

• Congratulations Argentina! For the second time in a row, the World Bank has named you the most protectionist country in the world! That means that we’re living in the country that applies more restrictions to control foreign trade than any other nation. Oh, well. At least we’re first in something.

• Oh, and shut up Americans. Because the US comes third.

• Will you look at that, war games and rogue missiles in the Malvinas/Falklands. That’s refreshing.

• Don’t panic though, this is standard routine for the islanders, who as usual replied to Argentina’s shaking fist in the air with an apathetic shrug and a “whatevs,” accusing Cristina of scaring the population since these exercises are performed there every six months or so. And they have kind of a point. Back in October 2010, Cristina was already bitching about them. She even called the Brits “pirates,” which is a stupid thing to do because we all know pirates only used cannonballs and swords.

• OK, maybe except for these pirates.

• Are you, by any chance, a prostitute? Are you, by any chance, living in the province of Córdoba? If you said yes to those two questions (which is highly likely) then I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that the provincial government is anxious to give you a free ride to your hometown, no matter where you originally come from. Go on, take it! The bad news is that it’s just a one-way ride because they don’t want you strutting your stuff around their land any more, lowering everyone’s morale with your sinful ways. Oh, but don’t be so quick to judge. This is (according to the provincial government) “a very smart move” in their commendable fight against human trafficking. That’s right, if you’re ever forced to deal with the illegal trade of human beings for the purposes of commercial exploitation in your own backyard now you know what to do: send those harlots away so you don’t have to deal with the issue yourself. There, problem solved. Somebody give these people a Nobel prize.

• I know it feels like I say this every month, but I don’t. I actually say it once every two months. Remember: cab fare is going up this Sunday. And don’t get too comfortable with those prices, because they are going up in October again. Ha! Worried about how you’ll manage to get back home while inebriated? Yeah, me too.

• I know it feels like I say this every week, but I… no, wait. I actually do say this every week: the Central Bank has announced new restrictions for those trying to purchase US dollars, so if you intend to send $2000 abroad because you have a family member who’s dying and needs your urgent help to escape, say, a Russian gulag, you need to ask the Government for a special permit. The limit for remittance abroad has been set at $1500 a month. If you need to send more, then now you need a permit. Because odds are you’re sending that money to your spoiled children who are drinking their life away in some elite first world university, you imperialist pig.

• Believe it or not, you may be scanned for firearms while entering the movie theater to see The Dark Knight Rises in Argentina . Because if we’re gonna imitate American culture, we’re gonna do it right.

• And speaking of the shootout in Denver, of course the media in this country would find an angle to make it all about the tragedy we also endured (albeit totally indirectly) as a nation. Oh, Argentina. You overzealous attention whore.

• Millions were horrified by the Government’s latest despicable lie this week, after Security Secretary Sergio Berni assured that Buenos Aires “is one of the safest cities in Latin America.” Lies, all lies! Or maybe not?Because according to the latest research of the 50 most dangerous cities in the world Buenos Aires is nowhere to be seen, even though 40 of the cities in the list are located in Latin America. Even New Orleans, Detroit and Baltimore made the list! So yes, the region is the most dangerous in the world (even more dangerous than the horn of Africa!) but all in all BA is pretty safe. I’m of course not saying there’s no danger here, I’m just saying the rest of the world is not filled with wide-eyed cherubs and unicorns. Violent crimes are widespread. Remember that next time you’re whining about how much this city sucks because someone snatched your shiny iPhone from your little fingers.

• Hey, here’s an idea. Let’s ignore everything I just said and give in to fear-mongering and media-sponsored paranoia, OK? OK.

• Do you live in Recoleta, San Telmo, Constitución or Puerto Madero? Are you tired of living like a prisoner in your own home due to the ever-present menace of violent crimes and petty thefts? Well, fret no more my fellow paranoid citizen! Because some clever-minded individuals at La Nacion (your newspaper of choice, and shut up, you know I’m right) have come up with the ultimate weapon against the trigger-happy criminals that obviously await you at the turn of every corner. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… the High Risk Zone map. A comprehensive and user-friendly info-graphic that helps you avoid the many pitfalls stemming while you’re casually walking down from home to the supermarket. Turn left? Look out, there’s a Whorehouse there! Go straight? No, wait, there’s a guy selling drugs there! Running terrified while waving your arms in the air, looking for sanctuary? Quick, there’s a police station right ahead! (Although in all honesty I’m not sure the police stations on the map are there to be avoided as well). So there, it’s like playing a deadly version of Pac-Man.

• Actually if you take a closer look at that map it definitely resembles another video game classic.

• Because apparently having to use a map to avoid the many perils lurking
  

  Former president Julio A. Roca. He ate babies for breakfast. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  outside the safety of your home was not enough, due to a series of unpaid bills, electricity companies Edesur and Edenor began cutting the power of several public parks and squares throughout the City at night. This obviously rendered your little map useless and turned many public squares into a black hole of criminal activities. Even the traditional Obelisk in downtown Buenos Aires was in the dark! Fortunately yesterday both parties came to an agreement and the power returned. At least now you get to see the face of the guy who’s robbing you.

• So you think crime and traffic in Buenos Aires are madness and want to run away from them as fast as you can? Are you longing for greener pastures, quieter streets and jollier neighbors who greet you with a tip of the hat and a smile as you’re whistling your way to work? Why not move to a smaller province like, say, Tucumán, where the air is pure and front doors are left unlocked at night? You can ride your motorbike to work every morning and BAM!

• That last bullet point was meant to illustrate that traffic sucks on a nationwide scale. It’s not just Buenos Aires. I’m confident you got the message.

• Take a look at this photo. See that massive, grey metal behemoth parked right next to the hot girl in red? Hard to miss, isn’t it? Well, not to the security officials at the Rural Society Expo in Palermo, who apparently “misplaced” it (“misplaced” as in SOMEBODY FUCKING STOLE THE THING) and now they are in hot water over it. It was like a magic trick! It was there on Monday night, then it was not. “We thought they were taking it to wash it,” a security official who seems to have graduated from the Chief Wiggum Security School for Idiots said. Nice job, you guys! Let’s hope whoever graduates from that school is never hired to remain vigilant at a more menacing place like, say, a maximum security prison. Then we’d be fucked.

• You know it’s coming, don’t you? Yeah, you’re way ahead of me on this one.

• Take a look at this photo. See that deranged-looking criminal that totally looks like a cold-blooded killer? Hard to miss, isn’t he? Well, not to the prison guards at the maximum security prison in Florencio Varela who apparently “misplaced” him (“misplaced” as in HE FUCKING ESCAPED), and only one week after being sentenced to spend 29 years in there for murdering another man. The best part? He nonchalantly walked out of prison dressed as a woman. The media is still waiting for additional details, but don’t be surprised to learn he was also given a cake with a file hidden inside it.

• Now you understand why an Argentine remake of Prison Break would never work here? Michael Scofield would help his brother escape in like the first ten minutes of the season.

• At long last! Awesome football player and average-looking Lionel Messi has decided to branch out and expand his personal brand empire by blessing us all with the new Leo Wine, and exquisite blend featuring the taste of grapes and the aroma of a locker room. The “Leo” wine will offer a fine stock of Malbec, Torrontés, Malbec Premium and Extra Brut, and you will be able to acquire it almost exclusively at your closest chino.

• Hey, don’t be so quick to judge! After all, Diego Maradona had several drinks named after him, like the short-lived Maradona beer, or the likely-radioactive fernet “El Diego,” which was probably taken off the market before you could even say “food poisoning.” Look at that label. Yeah, that seems legit.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

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Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono