It’s Friday again!

And I’m back!

Yes, I know you missed me (actually I know you didn’t) but worry not my loyal readers, I am back in town and refreshed and ready to report on everything that happened in the last week plus a few tidbits from the week before that were just too awesome to have them banished to the land of obliviousness.

And like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook in order to receive weekly updates about stuff.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Move over Hollywood (and Palermo Hollywood), there’s a new attention whore in town and it will be called Puerto Madero Hollywood, maybe. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This week President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner announced the creation of a new audiovisual district located on the southern tip of Puerto Madero. Her goal, as she put it, is to create the South American answer to Hollywood and become the regional mecca of film making. The presentation video is nothing short of impressive and it shows that it is indeed an ambitious project that if finished will revolutionize Argentina by positioning it as a global power player in the movie market. It’s going to be the pinnacle of the Latin American film industry, a majestic scene filled with thriving businesses and fountains and children and powerful beams of light diving into the darkness of the deep space. It’s going to be amazing!!

• Then again, maybe not.

• During her speech, she also said the reason why she loves architecture so much is because in a past life she was probably a great Egyptian architect. I will not comment on this one and let you leave your thoughts below for a change. Ready, set, go.

• No, wait. Finish the column, then comment.

• The Government and the opposition are once again butting heads over a controversial bill that looks to lower the voting age to 16 and… [INSERT DRAMATIC PAUSE HERE] let foreigners vote! Hurray for democracy! I mean, I’m sure you won’t vote because you couldn’t care less, but still! Knowing that we are actually being considered is good for our ego. If the bill is passed you will need to officially be a permanent resident and live for at least two years in Argentina before you get to cast your ballot. Again, not that you care.

• Great news! Since most of you drunks keep forgetting to refill your SUBE card and always end up fist fighting the bus driver because he won’t take you to Palermo for free at 3 AM, the National Government has now ordered a $7.50 additional credit that you can use to pay with if your card has no money in it. Way to go, drunks.

• Even greater news! After much negotiation and backroom meetings, Argentina’s flagship airline Aerolíneas Argentinas was accepted as a member of the SkyTeam global alliance. What does this mean? I’m not sure, but apparently more connecting flights and a new VIP lounge in Ezeiza that I bet my life you will never be allowed to set foot in. Yay!

• No wait, here comes the US to ruin the celebrations.

• Remember Mark Sanford? No, of course you don’t. Mr. Sanford was the governor of South Carolina who went “hiking the Appalachian trail” a few years ago, only to later find out he was actually visiting his mistress in Argentina. Still don’t? It’s OK, I don’t blame you, the Weekly News Roundup did not exist back then. Anyway, despite the public embarrassment and creating a new entry in the American vernacular, Sandorf announced six days ago that he is engaged to his Argentine lover. Were I not a cynical, love-hating bastard, I would say that once again love prevailed. Unfortunately, I am. So no.

• In totally awesome news (the kind that make the conservative movement stab itself with a crucifix), as kids in the Flores N°23 school returned to class after the winter break, they found out that their chess teacher Jorge had turned into Melisa. Other teachers supported his decision to finally become what he always wanted to be, some parents were horrified by his courage to defy the status quo and the majority of children probably didn’t give a shit, mostly because chess is boring. Congratulations Melisa, be happy.

• I always knew those seemingly harmless animation films you go see despite not having any kids (or go see without kids despite having them) were in reality a propaganda machine dedicated to indoctrinating those ranking below humans in the Darwinian food chain. In another case of animals following the terrible example set by that inappropriate movie “Madagascar” (the first case being this one), a lioness escaped from the San Juan zoo after some douche left the cage door open. After the zoo authorities realized she was missing, the terrified neighbors rushed home to escape the menacing, blood-thirsty beast, who obviously responded to the name “Simba”. So yeah, not only they are completely devoid of originality, they also named her after a male character in The Lion King. Nice. Anyway, Simba was strutting down the area, minding her own business when the so-called “Ecological Police” spotted her and enacted their carefully developed plans to bring her back to her cage. So they shot her with a tranquilizer dart to calm her down. Then they shot her with another one, just in case. And another one. Then she finally collapsed and fell asleep so everyone could… – oops, they killed her.

• Speaking of killing animals, you know how those pesky seagulls are always gutting whales and hurling their insides all over the ocean, traumatizing little Timmy for good and ruining everyone’s whale watching experience? No? The Chubut province does, and it has enacted a brilliant plan to get… – Oh, Gawker beat me to it.

• The scandal surrounding the controversial and pro-Cristina youth activist group La Campora continues, as detractors compare it to the Hitler Youth (which is false) and supporters compare it to the Boy Scouts (which is also false). So after several claims that the group was “brainwashing” school children and indoctrinating them with Kirchnerite mantras, the City Government decided to take action by setting up a 0-800 number that you can use to denounce La Cámpora activities. Too bad such a move is blatantly illegal, so a judge had no choice but to intercede.

• Also, in case you care to know, articulate and omnipresent Kirchnerite senator Aníbal Fernández addressed the toll-free number controversy by telling Mayor Macri to “shove the fascist 0-8000 number up his fucking ass.” Insightful and powerful words coming from the mustache man himself. Hopefully we will all sit back and reflect after this.

• There’s a new minimum wage in Argentina, and no matter how much you complain, it’s still not enough to get yourself and iPad.

• Also, if you’re one of the few lucky bastards who get to travel abroad, any purchase you make with your credit card will be charged a 15% income tax advance. If you think that’s kind of a convoluted scheme, don’t worry, you’re supposed to.

• Of course Argentina was going to find a way to make the death of Neil Armstrong all about her. Sure, the great American hero may have claimed ownership of the moon by sticking the US flag there and leaving it for good, but you know which flag also landed on the moon that day? This one. Suck on that, USSR!

• A dangerous 23-year-old pedophile that had been on the FBI’s target list for a long time was finally arrested. “Where?” you say? Where else! Salta, obvio.

• Ready for the latest viral sensation that spreading all over Latin America like a weaponized strain of Ebola? Then put on your dancing shoes and leave your chair, because once you are hypnotized by the over-confident charm of Colibritany you will never be able to stop jumping up and down and shaking your body like an idiot. Colibritany (yeah, that’s her stage name) is turning 15 next month, and she is offering the Quinceañera party of a lifetime. In order to do so, she has carefully crafted a video invite targeting anyone in the world who has access to You Tube, announcing in the process that she’s looking for her “sexy chambelán.” Now, I have no idea what a sexy chambelán is because I’m lazy and I couldn’t be bothered to look it up, but I assume she’s looking for a guy to hook up with [UPDATE: It’s actually the guy escorting the birthday girl as she enters the party]. I don’t know what’s more diabetes-inducing: the Twilight paraphernalia, her armpit-shaving, the pink Hummer, praising that her dad got her some earrings in thirteen payments (zero interest!) or when she vows to let her date go “south of the equator”. Did I mention she’s fourteen? OK. Just checking. So if for some reason you have lots of money and are crazy enough to attend Colibritany’s Quinceañera celebration, it’s on September 18th. in some place called “Jardines de Cocoyoc” (country undisclosed, but I suspect Mexico). Oh, and if you need directions it is “right across from the Wal*Mart”. At least that’s what the video says. Make you sure you Instagram the shit out of that thing.

• I may have been gone for two weeks, but Dancing With The Starswas not.
  

  American hero and probably Argentine citizen Neil Armstrong. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  And their crazy shenanigans continued to mar the screen with desperate attempts for ratings and hilarious (in a not-funny way) stunts, such as bringing out a cow on stage and watching it urinate all over the dance floor or forcing a septuagenarian guy try a sexy move over the kitchen counter only to gracefully plummet to the (probably still urinated) floor, cracking his skull in the process. Oh, Argentine TV. I have missed you.

• Speaking of other relevant news, you know how finally joined Twitter? Marcelo Tinelli, Argentine TV legend and current Dancing With The Stars host, not that you care. Obviously he was soon hacked by what I suspect was a cheeky teenager, since of all the relevant topics the hacked could have addressed by momentarily sequestering such an important platform, he chose to go with: “Hi. I’m gay.” Sigh.

• Yes, that is badass sword-wielding Viggo Mortensen starring in the new Argentine film “Todos Tenemos Un Plan.” In case you didn’t know, he spent his childhood here and speaks perfect Argentine Spanish. Which means that, just like Neil Armstrong, he is also Argentine.

• Nouveau riche and village idiot Mariana Nannis is my new unconventional hero. Sure, I vilify her for spawning Charlotte Chantal and Alex, the children of the corn gone wrong. But despite her severe flaws, her gigantic stupidity makes me laugh. You see, rumor has it that the Nannis clan is broke and all those displays of endless glamour are nothing but a front as they try to milk money out of wherever they can. A few weeks ago, she denounced that $300,000 dollars had disappeared from her hotel room in the Faena and demanded compensation (smart move, Mrs. Nannis, *wink, wink*). Unfortunately she forgot about the tough AFIP agency and its army of dollar-smelling dogs, who immediately demanded she explains where that money came from since she failed to declare any foreign currency upon her arrival to Argentina last May. Anyway, long story short she’s now a fugitive and had to escape hidden in the trunk of a car. Ha! I told you she was my hero.

• And speaking of people who are over the hill, remember local diva and international criminal Moria Casán? It seems Paraguay has confirmed its request to extradite her and take her to trial there since she’s suspected of stealing a very expensive necklace. Moria, however, doesn’t care and is currently performing in a play in which she gets to make out with her daughter (as in her actual daughter). Oh, lighten up. It’s a play. If it’s any consolation they don’t get to have sex.

• The local Spanish-speaking media, so savvy and polyglot, spent all Thursday making fun of a Carlos Tévez interview in which he, as usual, struggles to speak English in front of the cameras. You know what, local media? Shut the fuck up. The guy is brave enough to stand there and fend-off questions in a different language, and I’m sure most of those idiots giggling in front of the cameras couldn’t answer half of the questions he was asked.

• Yes, I just defended a football player. Whatever.

• OK, now you can comment on Cristina’s “great Egyptian architect” statement.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

Two goals from Carlos Tévez and one from Gonzalo Higuaín were enough to see off México 3-1 in Johannesburg’s Soccer City last night, to set up a mouth-watering quarter final clash with Germany in Bloemfontein next Saturday.

Diego Maradona again made a number of changes from the last game against Greece, recalling Gabriel Heinze, Javier Mascherano, Gonzalo Higuaín and Carlos Tévez to the starting line-up.

In contrast to Argentina’ s group games, México gave as good as they got in the opening exchanges as Carlos Salcedo came closest to opening the scoring on eight minutes when his shot rattled the bar. Three minutes later and it was Lionel Messi testing out the opposition defence for Argentina, but his attempted chip was saved on the goal-line by Oscar Pérez.

The course of the match turned in the 26^th minute when Argentina took the lead through Tévez. His initial attempt was saved by Pérez, but as the ball broke clear, Messi had the presence of mind to chip the ball back into the danger area for the waiting Tévez to head the ball in from what seemed to be a suspiciously offside position. Mexican protests to Italian referee, Roberto Rosetti, came to nought and the goal was given.

The albiceleste doubled their advantage just six minutes later when Gonzalo Higuaín latched onto a loose pass by Mexican defender Ricardo Osorio, before rounding Pérez to score his fourth goal of the tournament.

The game was put beyond doubt just seven minutes after the restart. With no options appearing to be open to him, Tévez turned and hit an unstoppable drive from fully 25 metres out, past the flailing Pérez to put Argentina three goals to the good.

A measure of pride was restored for the Mexicans, who gallantly never gave up the fight, on 71 minutes when their young striker Javier Hernández turned Martín Demichelis before firing a left-foot shot high into the Argentine net. However, Argentina were able to prevent any further Mexican incursions and ran out worthy winners.

An extremely satisfied Maradona said after the game: “All I can do is congratulate the players because they’re doing things well, playing the ball around and enjoying themselves, The team looked comfortable out there, despite the quality of the opposition.” On the upcoming game with Germany, he added: “We will take stock of our situation, then we will try and put together the best team to showcase our talents against Germany.”

Photo by Mark Orton

Munich’s space-age Allianz Arena

With less than 100 days until the World Cup kicks off in South Africa, Argentina began their preparations with a friendly against Germany in Munich last Wednesday, and The Argentina Independent was there to see the match and run the rule over how Diego Maradona’s squad is shaping up ahead of the tournament.

It was a game which saw Argentina seeking revenge over opponents who ended their 2006 World Cup dream in an acrimonious quarter-final penalty shoot-out, and who are again among the favourites in South Africa.

The Argentines settled the better of the two sides as they imposed their passing style on Germany with Juan Sebastián Verón pulling the strings from the centre of midfield and Lionel Messi showing glimpses of his electric turn of pace. At the back, a key Argentine failing during the World Cup qualifiers, the central defensive pairing of Martín Demichelis – playing on his home ground – and Walter Samuel were rock solid, keeping Miroslav Klose and Thomas Müller at bay, whilst behind them, goalkeeper Sergio Romero was the essence of serenity.

In a first-half of few chances, it was not until the 37th minute that there was a serious attempt on goal, but what a chance it was. Ángel Di María linked beautifully with the omnipresent Verón and fired in a vicious left-foot shot that crashed back from the German crossbar.

The breakthrough came just before half-time. Germany’s goalkeeper, René Adler had a rush of blood to the head, advancing way out of his penalty area, only to be confronted by Gonzalo Higuaín who had been neatly put through by Di María. Higuaín coolly sidestepped Adler and rolled the ball into the empty net.

The start of the second half saw the Argentine defence disrupted by injuries to Gabriel Heinze and Demichelis, but confident displays by their replacements Clemente Rodríguez and Nicolás Burdisso ensured that the German forwards were not able to capitalise.

Photo by Mark Orton

Teams Line up Before the Game

With Javier Mascherano screening the defence to great effect, snuffing out the attacking instincts of German captain Michael Ballack, Verón was free to continue dictating the play. With Maradona prowling his technical area – hands behind his back like a latter day Napoleon – Argentina continued to dominate proceedings with Messi having more space to display his range of passing as Germany chased an equaliser, seeing the match out to a satisfactory conclusion.

After the match a contented Maradona said: “I am very happy because my players were so committed. They fulfilled my expectations. After 24 years Argentina needs the title, and playing at this standard we can do it.”

How they rated:

SERGIO ROMERO: Confident, competent and in total control of his penalty area, the young keeper from reigning Dutch Champions, AZ67 Alkmaar is arguably Argentina’s most reliable goalkeeper since Carlos Roa. Maradona will be hoping he doesn’t have to call on Romero’s erratic understudies, Mariano Andujar and Juan Pablo Carrizo.

NICOLÁS OTAMENDI: Promising, pacy young Vélez Sársfield right-back, Otamendi has the impetuosity of youth and is pulled out of position too easily. He is probably worth a place in the squad, but surely Maradona has to call upon that wily old campaigner Javier Zanetti again to play down the right.

MARTÍN DEMICHELIS: The Bayern Munich central defender relished playing on his home turf. Demichelis was striking up a fine understanding with Walter Samuel, shutting out Klose, before being forced from the field through injury.

NICOLÁS BURDISSO: The Roma man was a more than adequate replacement for Demichelis, lining up again with his former club colleague Samuel. Burdisso was also a handy presence in attack at set-pieces.

WALTERSAMUEL: Appearing in national colours for the first time in five years, the hard as nails Samuel showed the form he has been demonstrating for Internazionale all season. Forming a brick wall at the heart of the Argentine defence that the Germans could not penetrate, Samuel provides a solidity badly missed by la albiceleste during the qualifiers

GABRIEL HEINZE: The Olympique Marseille defender looked more comfortable in his club position of left-back, marshalling Bastian Schweinsteiger well. Question marks will arise as to whether his ageing legs are up to dealing with a Nilmar or Cristiano Ronaldo in the latter stages of the World Cup.

CLEMENTE RODRÍGUEZ: A capable substitute for Heinze, he was solid rather than spectacular, however the Estudiantes de la Plata player will be a useful man to have in the squad.

JAVIER MASCHERANO: A rival to Verón for man of the match, Liverpool’s Mascherano completely outshone his opposite number, the German captain Michael Ballack, stopping his attacking intentions at source. An undemonstrative capain, he leads by example.

JONAS GUTIÉRREZ: The right-winger is currently playing his club football in the English second tier with Newcastle United and looked out of his depth at this level. Gutiérrez is a favourite of Maradona’s but it is difficult to see why, his distribution was disappointing and he rarely took on and beat Philipp Lahm at left-back. A passenger in the side, his place could be more usefully given to another striker freeing Messi to play in his more favoured right-sided position.

Photo by Mark Orton

New World Cup Shirt

JUAN SEBASTIÁN VERÓN: The man whose international career seemed finished after the 2002 World Cup disaster, is enjoying an Indian Summer since his return to Argentina with Estudiantes de La Plata. The 34-year-old playmaker rolled back the years to give a masterclass as puppet-master, pulling the strings to release Di María, Messi and Higuaín at will. If Argentina are to be successful this summer, how Maradona nurses Verón’s ageing legs through seven games in a month will be crucial.

MARIO BOLATTI: The Fiorentina holding midfielder and hero of Montevideo came on too late to make any kind of an impression. Bolatti will surely make the final 23, especially if Maradona continues to eschew the rival claims of Esteban Cambiasso and Fernando Gago.

ÁNGEL DI MARÍA: Looked like a little boy lost when stuck out on the left-wing, however the Benfica midfielder was more destructive when coming inside and combining with Verón. Came into his own in the second half, often finding himself in acres of space as the Germans pushed forward in search of an equaliser, providing an outlet for Messi’s pinpoint crossfield passes.

GONZALO HIGUAÍN: After waiting so long for his international chance, the Real Madrid striker has grabbed his chance with both hands, scoring his second goal in four games. Since arriving in the Spanish capital, Higuaín has bulked up to provide a muscular presence in the Argentine attack that has been missing since Hernán Crespo departed the international scene. Hopefully Higuaín’s emergence will dissuade Maradona from any further foolish notions that Boca’s Martín Palermo is an international class striker.

CARLOS TÉVEZ: Enjoying a highly productive goal-scoring season with Manchester City, Tévez provides an injection of pace to the attack and a different option for Maradona to utilise.

LIONEL MESSI: Messi showed glimpses of the breathtaking turn of pace and vision that made him World Player of the Year. However playing as a second striker didn’t bring the best out of him, and too often he was forced to play the ball backwards due to the lack of options outside him. The Barcelona forward dispelled any doubts about his commitment to la selección with a hard running display in which he harried the opposing defence for the entire 90 minutes.

All in all, it was an encouraging opening to Argentina’s World Cup preparations, with the defence looking a cohesive unit for the first time in ages and Verón looking again like a world class playmaker. Maradona will also be pleased at the depth of quality available to him in his squad, with players such as Sergio Agüero, Gabriel Milito and Pablo Aimar at his disposal.

The biggest problem for Maradona remains how to get the best out of Messi. Dropping Gutiérrez to accommodate another striker like Tévez or Agüero would allow Messi to move to the right of a front three thereby giving the attack more flexibility. Maradona has two more games against Canada and Israel to mould his squad before the real action starts against Nigeria in Johannesburg on 12th June.

Photo by Mark Orton

The clash of English football’s two most successful clubs Manchester United and Liverpool earlier this month was more than a potential Championship decider for Argentine fans; it also brought together ‘The Apache’ and ‘The Chief’ in opposition.

Carlos Tévez who earned the soubriquet ‘El Apache’ on account of his humble upbringing in the Buenos Aires villa  of Ejercito de Los Andes, known colloquially as Fuerte Apache. Meanwhile, Javier Mascherano’s nickname ‘El Jefecito’ was gained through his ability to boss the midfield area from a young age (qualities that persuaded Diego Maradona to name him as national team captain last year). They are two of Argentina’s golden generation of young players, whose careers have been inextricably linked for nigh on a decade since they first played together for Argentina’s youth teams.

Appearing for the Red Devils, Tévez went into the game having racked up an impressive array of five winners medals in less than two years with the Manchester giants, with a further three this season a distinct possibility.

Conversely, Mascherano was still seeking his first silverware with Liverpool, despite turning in a Man of the Match performance in the 2007 European Champions League Final against AC Milan, and was desperate to help his club reduce the gap on their great rivals in the fight for the Premiership title. 

Whilst the two friends have been colleagues at international level since their teenage years, their club careers have crossed on numerous occasions, including a two-year spell as teammates with Brazilian club Corinthians, and then in England with West Ham United.

However when the two have crossed swords as opponents, fireworks have usually been the result. Back home in Argentina the two made their names with the country’s two biggest clubs and rivals; Mascherano with River Plate, and Carlos Tévez as the replacement for his great hero Juan Román Riquelme at Boca Juniors.

When the two clubs met in the 2004 semi-final of South America’s most important competition, the Copa Libertadores, Tévez was expelled for his over-exuberant celebration after scoring a dramatic late equalizer in a game, which Boca subsequently won on penalties.

Meanwhile in the corresponding fixture between Manchester United and Liverpool last season, it was Mascherano’s turn to see red as he harangued the referee for having the temerity to book him for a bad tackle. He had to be manhandled from the pitch by his colleagues Steven Gerrard and Xabi Alonso as the red mist descended, earning himself a three match ban and a £15,000 fine into the bargain.

This season’s game was no less eventful, although both players managed to stay on the field this time. It was Tévez who played better in the opening exchanges, his pass leading to the penalty that gave United the lead, however as the game wore on it was Mascherano who claimed the ascendancy, taking control of the midfield to allow Liverpool’s forwards to dominate the game as they went on to score four goals without reply.

After the game Mascherano spoke of his personal redemption from 12 months ago. He told Liverpool FC’s website: “It’s a much better feeling than last year. I had to forget about what happened here last year.” Talking about the game he said: “It was very difficult in the beginning with falling behind to a penalty but we showed a lot of character and quality to come back into the game and win. We played very well.”

With both clubs in the quarterfinals of the European Champions League you get the feeling that the pyrotechnics between the two are not yet over for this season.