It’s Friday again!

And I’m back!

Yes, I know you missed me (actually I know you didn’t) but worry not my loyal readers, I am back in town and refreshed and ready to report on everything that happened in the last week plus a few tidbits from the week before that were just too awesome to have them banished to the land of obliviousness.

And like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook in order to receive weekly updates about stuff.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Move over Hollywood (and Palermo Hollywood), there’s a new attention whore in town and it will be called Puerto Madero Hollywood, maybe. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This week President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner announced the creation of a new audiovisual district located on the southern tip of Puerto Madero. Her goal, as she put it, is to create the South American answer to Hollywood and become the regional mecca of film making. The presentation video is nothing short of impressive and it shows that it is indeed an ambitious project that if finished will revolutionize Argentina by positioning it as a global power player in the movie market. It’s going to be the pinnacle of the Latin American film industry, a majestic scene filled with thriving businesses and fountains and children and powerful beams of light diving into the darkness of the deep space. It’s going to be amazing!!

• Then again, maybe not.

• During her speech, she also said the reason why she loves architecture so much is because in a past life she was probably a great Egyptian architect. I will not comment on this one and let you leave your thoughts below for a change. Ready, set, go.

• No, wait. Finish the column, then comment.

• The Government and the opposition are once again butting heads over a controversial bill that looks to lower the voting age to 16 and… [INSERT DRAMATIC PAUSE HERE] let foreigners vote! Hurray for democracy! I mean, I’m sure you won’t vote because you couldn’t care less, but still! Knowing that we are actually being considered is good for our ego. If the bill is passed you will need to officially be a permanent resident and live for at least two years in Argentina before you get to cast your ballot. Again, not that you care.

• Great news! Since most of you drunks keep forgetting to refill your SUBE card and always end up fist fighting the bus driver because he won’t take you to Palermo for free at 3 AM, the National Government has now ordered a $7.50 additional credit that you can use to pay with if your card has no money in it. Way to go, drunks.

• Even greater news! After much negotiation and backroom meetings, Argentina’s flagship airline Aerolíneas Argentinas was accepted as a member of the SkyTeam global alliance. What does this mean? I’m not sure, but apparently more connecting flights and a new VIP lounge in Ezeiza that I bet my life you will never be allowed to set foot in. Yay!

• No wait, here comes the US to ruin the celebrations.

• Remember Mark Sanford? No, of course you don’t. Mr. Sanford was the governor of South Carolina who went “hiking the Appalachian trail” a few years ago, only to later find out he was actually visiting his mistress in Argentina. Still don’t? It’s OK, I don’t blame you, the Weekly News Roundup did not exist back then. Anyway, despite the public embarrassment and creating a new entry in the American vernacular, Sandorf announced six days ago that he is engaged to his Argentine lover. Were I not a cynical, love-hating bastard, I would say that once again love prevailed. Unfortunately, I am. So no.

• In totally awesome news (the kind that make the conservative movement stab itself with a crucifix), as kids in the Flores N°23 school returned to class after the winter break, they found out that their chess teacher Jorge had turned into Melisa. Other teachers supported his decision to finally become what he always wanted to be, some parents were horrified by his courage to defy the status quo and the majority of children probably didn’t give a shit, mostly because chess is boring. Congratulations Melisa, be happy.

• I always knew those seemingly harmless animation films you go see despite not having any kids (or go see without kids despite having them) were in reality a propaganda machine dedicated to indoctrinating those ranking below humans in the Darwinian food chain. In another case of animals following the terrible example set by that inappropriate movie “Madagascar” (the first case being this one), a lioness escaped from the San Juan zoo after some douche left the cage door open. After the zoo authorities realized she was missing, the terrified neighbors rushed home to escape the menacing, blood-thirsty beast, who obviously responded to the name “Simba”. So yeah, not only they are completely devoid of originality, they also named her after a male character in The Lion King. Nice. Anyway, Simba was strutting down the area, minding her own business when the so-called “Ecological Police” spotted her and enacted their carefully developed plans to bring her back to her cage. So they shot her with a tranquilizer dart to calm her down. Then they shot her with another one, just in case. And another one. Then she finally collapsed and fell asleep so everyone could… – oops, they killed her.

• Speaking of killing animals, you know how those pesky seagulls are always gutting whales and hurling their insides all over the ocean, traumatizing little Timmy for good and ruining everyone’s whale watching experience? No? The Chubut province does, and it has enacted a brilliant plan to get… – Oh, Gawker beat me to it.

• The scandal surrounding the controversial and pro-Cristina youth activist group La Campora continues, as detractors compare it to the Hitler Youth (which is false) and supporters compare it to the Boy Scouts (which is also false). So after several claims that the group was “brainwashing” school children and indoctrinating them with Kirchnerite mantras, the City Government decided to take action by setting up a 0-800 number that you can use to denounce La Cámpora activities. Too bad such a move is blatantly illegal, so a judge had no choice but to intercede.

• Also, in case you care to know, articulate and omnipresent Kirchnerite senator Aníbal Fernández addressed the toll-free number controversy by telling Mayor Macri to “shove the fascist 0-8000 number up his fucking ass.” Insightful and powerful words coming from the mustache man himself. Hopefully we will all sit back and reflect after this.

• There’s a new minimum wage in Argentina, and no matter how much you complain, it’s still not enough to get yourself and iPad.

• Also, if you’re one of the few lucky bastards who get to travel abroad, any purchase you make with your credit card will be charged a 15% income tax advance. If you think that’s kind of a convoluted scheme, don’t worry, you’re supposed to.

• Of course Argentina was going to find a way to make the death of Neil Armstrong all about her. Sure, the great American hero may have claimed ownership of the moon by sticking the US flag there and leaving it for good, but you know which flag also landed on the moon that day? This one. Suck on that, USSR!

• A dangerous 23-year-old pedophile that had been on the FBI’s target list for a long time was finally arrested. “Where?” you say? Where else! Salta, obvio.

• Ready for the latest viral sensation that spreading all over Latin America like a weaponized strain of Ebola? Then put on your dancing shoes and leave your chair, because once you are hypnotized by the over-confident charm of Colibritany you will never be able to stop jumping up and down and shaking your body like an idiot. Colibritany (yeah, that’s her stage name) is turning 15 next month, and she is offering the Quinceañera party of a lifetime. In order to do so, she has carefully crafted a video invite targeting anyone in the world who has access to You Tube, announcing in the process that she’s looking for her “sexy chambelán.” Now, I have no idea what a sexy chambelán is because I’m lazy and I couldn’t be bothered to look it up, but I assume she’s looking for a guy to hook up with [UPDATE: It’s actually the guy escorting the birthday girl as she enters the party]. I don’t know what’s more diabetes-inducing: the Twilight paraphernalia, her armpit-shaving, the pink Hummer, praising that her dad got her some earrings in thirteen payments (zero interest!) or when she vows to let her date go “south of the equator”. Did I mention she’s fourteen? OK. Just checking. So if for some reason you have lots of money and are crazy enough to attend Colibritany’s Quinceañera celebration, it’s on September 18th. in some place called “Jardines de Cocoyoc” (country undisclosed, but I suspect Mexico). Oh, and if you need directions it is “right across from the Wal*Mart”. At least that’s what the video says. Make you sure you Instagram the shit out of that thing.

• I may have been gone for two weeks, but Dancing With The Starswas not.
  

  American hero and probably Argentine citizen Neil Armstrong. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  And their crazy shenanigans continued to mar the screen with desperate attempts for ratings and hilarious (in a not-funny way) stunts, such as bringing out a cow on stage and watching it urinate all over the dance floor or forcing a septuagenarian guy try a sexy move over the kitchen counter only to gracefully plummet to the (probably still urinated) floor, cracking his skull in the process. Oh, Argentine TV. I have missed you.

• Speaking of other relevant news, you know how finally joined Twitter? Marcelo Tinelli, Argentine TV legend and current Dancing With The Stars host, not that you care. Obviously he was soon hacked by what I suspect was a cheeky teenager, since of all the relevant topics the hacked could have addressed by momentarily sequestering such an important platform, he chose to go with: “Hi. I’m gay.” Sigh.

• Yes, that is badass sword-wielding Viggo Mortensen starring in the new Argentine film “Todos Tenemos Un Plan.” In case you didn’t know, he spent his childhood here and speaks perfect Argentine Spanish. Which means that, just like Neil Armstrong, he is also Argentine.

• Nouveau riche and village idiot Mariana Nannis is my new unconventional hero. Sure, I vilify her for spawning Charlotte Chantal and Alex, the children of the corn gone wrong. But despite her severe flaws, her gigantic stupidity makes me laugh. You see, rumor has it that the Nannis clan is broke and all those displays of endless glamour are nothing but a front as they try to milk money out of wherever they can. A few weeks ago, she denounced that $300,000 dollars had disappeared from her hotel room in the Faena and demanded compensation (smart move, Mrs. Nannis, *wink, wink*). Unfortunately she forgot about the tough AFIP agency and its army of dollar-smelling dogs, who immediately demanded she explains where that money came from since she failed to declare any foreign currency upon her arrival to Argentina last May. Anyway, long story short she’s now a fugitive and had to escape hidden in the trunk of a car. Ha! I told you she was my hero.

• And speaking of people who are over the hill, remember local diva and international criminal Moria Casán? It seems Paraguay has confirmed its request to extradite her and take her to trial there since she’s suspected of stealing a very expensive necklace. Moria, however, doesn’t care and is currently performing in a play in which she gets to make out with her daughter (as in her actual daughter). Oh, lighten up. It’s a play. If it’s any consolation they don’t get to have sex.

• The local Spanish-speaking media, so savvy and polyglot, spent all Thursday making fun of a Carlos Tévez interview in which he, as usual, struggles to speak English in front of the cameras. You know what, local media? Shut the fuck up. The guy is brave enough to stand there and fend-off questions in a different language, and I’m sure most of those idiots giggling in front of the cameras couldn’t answer half of the questions he was asked.

• Yes, I just defended a football player. Whatever.

• OK, now you can comment on Cristina’s “great Egyptian architect” statement.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

Judicial, municipal, and electricity workers in Córdoba have called for a 24-hour strike to protest against the police’s violent repression of yesterday’s rally, which left 26 people wounded, including ten policemen, and four arrested.

Later this afternoon, protesters will march to the provincial court to demand that responsibilities for the repression are investigated. The secretary-general of the judicial worker’s union, Irina Santesteban, explained that the aim of the strike and rally is “to repudiate the repression and the lack of action by the court” and said that the provincial government is the main responsible for the acts of violence.

The government, in turn, pointed at “people wearing hoods and with their faces covered by scarves” as the starters of the riots. Córdoba’s chief of cabinet, Oscar González, said that the government doesn’t have “a conspiratorial vision of politics,” but insisted that “what we saw yesterday in Córdoba, which we weren’t used to seeing, is people with hoods, with their faces covered by scarves, which the union leaders say don’t belong to their structures, generating violence.”

At the same time the incidents were taking place yesterday, Córdoba governor José Manuel De la Sota met with Buenos Aires mayor Mauricio Macri at the opening of the Buenos Aires house in the provincial capital. Whilst a political deal between the two has not been sealed, as they both hope to run for president in 2015, both politicians smiled for the camera as they agreed on criticising the national government. González said that if yesterday’s protest was spurred by the meeting, then “Argentine democracy is in trouble.”

However, the protests were, according to the organisers, held against the reform to the pension system carried out by the Córdoba government, which froze all increases to state workers’ pensions. The government justified the measure by accusing the national government of not sending them the required funds. The national government replied that Córdoba was not meeting the requirements for the promised funding, which included a reform to the pension system to make it sustainable in the long term.

The secretary-general of Córdoba’s teachers’ union, Juan Monserrat, said that they will continue to carry out protests, and that the next steps will be decided within the next few days.

Tango Festival 2011 Championships (Photo: Beatrice Murch)

Buenos Aires’ annual tango festival kicked off on the 14^th August. More than 2,000 artists will perform in over 2,000 shows at venues across the city, drawing international tango-hungry crowds to the capital city. Organisers claim the festival will preserve traditional tango culture while bringing together emerging artists and international stars. However many are concerned that the festival focuses too much on tourism and international prestige at the expense of respect for the roots of Buenos Aires tango.

According to many traditional tangueros, older forms of the dance are under threat due to increased demand for the more flamboyant styles often favoured by tourists. While tourism is responsible for enormous investment in tango culture, many are worried that it also presents a threat to the integrity and long-term survival of authentic ‘tango culture’.

BA Tango: A Crowd-Pleaser

This year’s packed agenda of milongas, workshops, and concerts began on the 14^th August and will end with the Mundial de Baile2012 two weeks later. Last year’s festival attracted 400,000 people and this year’s could bring an even bigger crowd.

Hernan Lombardi and Gustavo Mozzi at the press conference for the 2012 Tango Festival (Photo courtesy of BA Culture)

Tourism is a defining feature of this festival and has been key to cultural policy in Buenos Aires ever since the ministries of culture, sport and tourism were combined in 2001. The Ministry of Culture today claims its role is to “project Buenos Aires into the international sphere of production and exportation of culture”. Culture Minister Hernán Lombardi is well placed to pursue this agenda, having served as secretary of tourism for the city in 1999 before leading both the Ministry of Culture and the City’s Tourism Agency between 2007 and 2011.

At a press release for the launch of Tango BA Lombardi called the event “the horizon of a new cultural geography in which the south has a privileged point of development and expansion in terms of creativity and the arts.”

Tango is an international business in Buenos Aires. However the relationship between tango and tourism is a difficult one, and critics accuse the city government of trying too hard to please transient visitors instead of investing in more projects to nourish tango culture within the city.

Traditional Tango: Everywhere and Nowhere 

  One such critic is Cherie Magnus, a 2006 finalist in the Tango World Cup who now teaches traditional milonguero tango with her partner, Rubén. Milonguero tango is the traditional form of the dance, partly inherited from Argentine gaucho culture. It centres around the close embrace and is an improvised dance based on a core set of steps led, of course, by the man.

Cherie Magnus and Ruben Aybar dancing tango at Nuevo Chique Milonga in Casa Galicia. (Photo: Beatrice Murch)

Magnus feels that the city government’s focus on the tango festival and world championship risks a neglect for more long-term investment in everyday tango culture, like the nightly milongas which take place across the city.

“Milongueros go to their favourite milonga and they keep going where they always go. They have nothing to do with the festival. The championship has also gotten so political, so cookie cutter, no one cares about it anymore except the foreigners” she says.

Tango gatherings known as ‘milongas’ are nightly dances which take place in dance halls across the city. Tables are arranged facing the dance floor and constantly interchanging couples dance for short bursts of, often live, tango music.

Milongas have always been the lynch pin of tango culture. However they are independently financed and generally receive no financial subsidy from the government. Coordinating and sustaining a milonga is a precarious business. The organiser must rent a salon, hire a band, and pay to market the event. Often the salon owner takes all the money from the bar, leaving only the money from the door to cover the rest of the costs.

“There are fewer and fewer lovely traditional milongas, I’m sorry to say, because people just don’t have the money… It used to be that milongueros would go every night to milongas, but that hasn’t passed on. A lot of them are dead, a lot are sick, or too poor,” says Magnus.

Like many other devotees to traditional ‘milonguero’ tango, Magnus feels there is an increasing divergence between traditional and tourist tango circuits, which do not see an equal flow of investment.

“At some of these milongas, everyone is foreign, everyone speaks English, everyone is dressed differently, everyone dances differently. People don’t understand that they should be going to the traditional milongas to dance with local people, not to dance with each other.”

The Buenos Aires tango scene runs on demand, and is firmly dependent on tourists with money to spend. These milongas need tourists or locals to continue going in order to stay alive, however many remain under the radar of the tourist scene and suffer the consequences. In addition, many traditional clubs do not cater to the increasing demand for unorthodox forms of ‘nuevo tango’, more popular with international crowds.

‘Nuevo tango’ involves a more flamboyant repertoire of steps and can be a more choreographed form of dance. The embrace is not as close as with traditional milonguero tango and the steps are usually larger, with higher kicks and more dramatic flourishes.

Walter Piazza agrees that the situation of many milongas is precarious, “there are very historic milongas in traditional places that really need financial help, they don’t show up in tourist guide books but they’re very important.”

Dance and Diversity: Tango Today 

Academia Nacional de Tango above Cafe Tortoni on Av de Mayo (Photo: Beatrice Murch)

Piazza is secretary to the president of the National Tango Academy and it is his job to know about all forms of tango, including the increasingly popular new forms. Founded in 1890, the Academy was established to preserve tango heritage in Argentina. The ornate building which sits above the famous Cafe Tortoni is home to an enormous library of tango music, poetry, and literature; housing over 20,000 original music scores.

Piazza is adamant about the need to preserve tango heritage, however he also sees tourism as the key support for the tango industry in the city and believes the Festival plays a major role in this.

“I think the tango festival is an excellent thing,“ he says. “Inside the city here, there are those who try to preserve orthodox tango, but tango doesn’t come from just one place, it comes from a mixture of cultures and people.”

“There is no such thing as one pure tango culture. The key is to move forward while respecting your roots,” says Piazza.

According to Buenos Aires Mayor, Mauricio Macri, this is exactly what the festival will do. “The increasingly large young crowds that come to the festival give rise to new codes on the dance floor, new poetic styles, new sounds, and new expressions,” he said in a press release. “The tango festival isn’t a nostalgic longing for better times gone by, it reflects a capacity for creativity in a society moving forward, with an optimistic eye to the future.”

The definition of ‘tango culture’ has been historically slippery, as reflected in its 2009 designation by UNESCO as ‘intangible cultural heritage’. This designation recognised the importance of “the mix of European immigrants, descendents of slaves, and creoles” in the creation of tango culture.

The UNESCO award did not come with financial aid, but Lombardi told BBC Mundo at the time that he would establish US$3 million worth of tango projects and preservation per year.

Tango for Who? Community Investment

Frente Cultural Raymundo Gleyzer at a protest. (Photo courtesy of FCRG)

Many claim that the money promised by Lombardi has not filtered down to community level, however. On the 25^thJune 2012, cultural centres across the city gathered in Parque Centenario to protest against the government’s focus on festivals and tourism at the expense of investment in everyday culture in Buenos Aires. The protest was organised by the Frente Cultural Raymundo Gleyzer movement, an umbrella organisation for cultural centres who are railing against what they see as a consistent short-term view towards government investment in culture.

“Since taking office as mayor of the City of Buenos Aires, Mauricio Macri has applied a constant policy of disinvestment and budget cuts in cultural matters,” says director of El Gleyzer, Jonathan Thea.

“Today the budget for culture is just 3.1% of the total, which is aimed at the development of mega-events which are profitable from the economic point of view, but not representative of our history, identity and culture.”

There are over 51 cultural centres in the city, forming the backbone of community-oriented cultural provision, including tango classes and workshops. However the city government budget for festivals is six times higher than the budget for neighbourhood cultural projects, and the culture budget has been reduced by 20% in recent years.

According to El Gleyzer’s manifesto, “the City government wants to turn Buenos Aires into a tourist mecca in South America, and that explains the unification of the ministries of culture and tourism.”

However, according to Thea, “a city with social and spatial segregation can’t have a cultural policy based on big events which only benefit a small sector of society.”

The Heart of Tango: Still Beating 

Lombardi and tango festival organiser Gustavo Mozzi are keen to deny this assessment. Both have stressed the inclusive and community-oriented nature of the festival which remains 100% free for all events. The leaders claim it will bring needed investment and rejuvenation to important community areas connected to the roots of tango, like the historic neighbourhood of La Boca, which has recently seen the opening of Usina del Arte cultural centre.

Dancing legends Gloria and Eduardo Arquimba perform at the press conference (Photo courtesy of BA Culture)

“With its arrival in the Usina del Arte, the tango festival has regained a space in a neighbourhood closely related to its origins and its identity in music and dance. Tango lived in La Boca, taking shelter in modest dance clubs and cafes when it was banned from main stages and fancy venues,” says Lombardi.

Across the eight different categories in the agenda, the festival showcases veteran stars like pianist José Colángelo and dancing legends Gloria and Eduardo Arquimba, as well as innovative new dancers and musicians like band Tanghetto. The event showcases a vibrant tango culture which, despite its difficulties, shows no sign of dying out just yet. Sitting in his office surrounded by tango memorabilia old and new, Piazza agrees.

“There are still plenty of people who respect this way of life, this tanguero culture. People from the older generation -70, 80 years old- but also people much younger than me, who want to continue the line. It’s going to continue for a long time, this culture is very much alive and well.”

What do Argentines think about the relationship between tango and tourism in the city? Click here to find out.

The subte strike that affected millions of commuters in the city of Buenos Aires since Friday 3rd August was lifted last night, after the AGTSyP union, private subte operator Metrovías, and the city government reached an agreement regarding working conditions. Subtes started running again at 5am this morning.

After days of fruitless negotiations, AGTSyP (Trade Union of Subte and Premetro Workers) signed a provisional agreement with Metrovías, which includes “improvements in working conditions, changes in leave entitlements, and a re-categorisation of wage levels” according to the union’s press release. The agreement, however, does not include any mention to the demanded wage increases.

“Our wage [increase] has not been solved. We are the only workers who have been waiting for eight months to hold a collective bargaining process, when there are already 1,500 collective bargaining agreements closed in the country,” said AGTSyP secretary-general Roberto Pianelli in a press conference last night.

Last Friday, Metrovías signed another agreement with UTA (Transport Worker’s Union), promising a 23% wage increase for subte workers. However, this is conditional to the city and national governments solving their dispute over control of the subte lines. Buenos Aires mayor Mauricio Macri decided in March not to go ahead with the transfer agreement he had signed with the national government in January, by which the city would take ownership of the contract with Metrovías.

Since then, the transport subsidies the national government transferred to the city – an estimated $124m – have been locked away in a bank account and the city government has refused to withdraw them, claiming it is not their responsibility. During the strike and subsequent negotiations, Metrovías demanded the city government free up those funds to be able to meet the workers’ demands, as well as to operate the service in a safe manner.

AGTSyP was not part of the wage agreement signed by UTA. The latter is the official union, but represents a small percentage of the subte workers. AGTSyP is a breakaway union with majority representation, which is also demanding to be recognised by the government as the genuine representative of the subte workers.

The strike has been suspended for now, and negotiations between the workers and the company will continue. However, the underlying dispute between the city and national government regarding control of the subte has not been solved.

After another failed attempt at reaching an agreement, the city of Buenos Aires’ subsecretary of labour, Ezequiel Sabor, called for a compulsory conciliation on the ongoing subte dispute last night.

One of the unions involved, UTA, accepted to comply with the measure. However, the more combative AGTSyP announced today that there are “no conditions to lift the strike”, which entered its seventh day today, as Metrovías has not offered to re-start the wage bargaining process. The unions and Metrovías are currently holding a meeting, whose results remain uncertain.

On Thursday morning, judge Patricia López Vergara had ordered the city government to arrange a meeting between Metrovías and the subte workers’ representatives. That meeting took place yesterday, but no solution was found. This prompted the city government to call for the compulsory conciliation, despite their claims that the matter is not within theirs, but the national government’s jurisdiction.

Compulsory conciliation is a measure intended to force a meeting between the unions and the company, Metrovías, to find a solution to the current wage disputes. For 15 working days (21 calendar days), whilst the negotiation takes place, the parts in dispute must abstain from carrying out industrial action.

Buenos Aires city governor Mauricio Macri, today admitted in a radio interview to Radio Mitre that “the situation is complicated”, and that he cannot see a solution in the short term “because the metro-delegates [AGTSyP’s members] are not cooperating.” He also blamed the conflict on the national government, and said he did not want to take over the operation of the subte because he “does not want to be responsible for deaths like those in Once [train crash]“.

In a press release, subte operator Metrovías criticised Macri’s words, saying that they “only bring confusion.” They blamed the city government for the dire financial situation the company is in, which they see as a consequence of “the decision by the city government to suspend the transfer [of the subte from the national to the city government], generating a debt which is now over $200m, and which is the cause of the problems we are facing today.” They also reassured their passengers that the subte is a “completely safe method of transportation.”

It’s Friday and it’s raining!

So let’s skip the weekly customary ice breaker that you have come to love so much and start talking about the things that matter.

Also please don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook so you can keep up with future columns.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Diva and probable white glove thief Moria Casán. Don’t worry, you’ll understand why she’s here. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Good riddance (Part 1)! After ten years of carrying this massive dead weight over its shoulders, the Argentine population has finally managed to leave behind the terrifying financial crisis that drove this country into utter disaster (at least on paper, because we know that the fear of losing all their savings will never entirely leave their minds). Today, Argentina pays the last installment of the Boden 2012 bonds, and everybody is happy. At least in theory. Yesterday, speaking from the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner gave a heartfelt message on national television, explaining with charts and other incomprehensible financial data about the importance of such payment. So here’s her 70-minute-long speech which you’re obviously not going to watch.

• Speaking of yesterday’s event, here are some photos depicting the extreme tension between sworn frienemies President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner and Buenos Aires Mayor Mauricio Macri, who were forced to sit together despite their well-known distaste for each other, and like two kids in high school, begrudgingly accepted. This is the hilarious result. Trust me, if there was a caption contest for the fourth photograph, “Oh no, sorry. I don’t dance!” would win hands down.

• Good riddance (Part 2)! No longer will we have to be prisoners of our own fears and be relegated to enjoying the goodness of football from our dungeon-like homes. Because thanks to technology, the AFA and our all-mighty National Government, who decided to engage in a crusade against criminal activities inside football stadiums, we can all now heave a sigh of relief and enjoy our favorite sport just seating a few meters away from where the real action is taking place. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Extermi-Hooligan 3000 (yes, I made up the name), a state-of-the-art device so advanced that it could beat up Robocop with its eyes closed. If it had eyes, that is. The EH3000 fits in a small suitcase and features a fingerprint reader that anyone trying to enter a stadium before a game will have to go through. If you have no criminal records, you’re cleared by a green light. If you’re a psycho killer who is willingly going through the fingerprint scanner just for the thrill of it, a red light tells the closest police officer to arrest you. Simple, is it not? So here’s footage from the Government’s official introduction of the EH3000 the other day. Enjoy.

• You didn’t click on that, did you? Well, you missed the joke then.

• Now, if you thought that the National Government couldn’t do worse than that classic 80s scene, you’re wrong. When Cristina was given the dubious honor of being the first one to try the new system on live television, it obviously didn’t work.

• Some guy named Mariano (presumably a technician) was immediately called on stage. By now we know that Mariano, who doesn’t even have a last name, is obviously the equivalent of a red shirt character. “It would appear you have a low-quality fingerprint…” he had the audacity to tell Cristina as he swallowed hardly. “This guy won’t last here five seconds!” she joked as she turned towards the audience. See? I told you: red shirt! His head is now on a pike outside the Casa Rosada.

• As the scanner failed to read her fingerprint several times, Interior Minister Florencio Randazzo, sweating nervously because he was the one responsible for buying them, asked Cristina’s sister-in-law, Alicia Kirchner, to give it a try. As she pressed her thumb on the reader and the light on the screen turned green, uncomfortable laughter began to spread across the audience, while Cristina giggled and tried to remain calm and pretend she wasn’t going to behead everyone in the audience as soon as the cameras went off.

• But everyone’s favorite part was when they decided to invite AFA head Julio Grondona, who everyone in the country considers to be the Latin version of mob boss Don Corleone, so he could give it a shot as well. A collective gasp and “ooooooooh” was heard, as people present realized the light would turn red and the machine would then explode due to a system overload as soon as his fingerprint came close to that reader. Even Cristina began laughing uncontrollably, shaking her head and waving her arms saying “Hell, no!” as she took a step back. (See? Even she knows he’s dirty! I love this country). Yet, surprisingly, the light turned green.

• The light turned green, people. Grondona, arguably the biggest crook on Earth, placed his thumb there and THE LIGHT TURNED GREEN. That’s it, I give up. I’m moving to Chad.

• So yes, clearly those new devices that cost us taxpayers like 50 trillion pesos are of questionable effectiveness. But hey, the lowest-priced ticket for a regular First Division match will now cost $60 thanks to the ever-present inflation, so I’m pretty sure criminals couldn’t even afford to get in anyway.

• Oh, yeah. Probably neither will you.

• Ready for five days of traffic chaos and social mayhem? You better be, because starting tonight at 9 pm, our beloved Subte closes its doors until Thursday morning. Yes, of course it’s because of a strike. Why else would it be? Just be thankful it hasn’t been shut down completely forever, considering the jurisdiction mess that thing is. So let’s see: subways on strike, taxis are impossible to afford, you don’t own a car and you hardly ever use your bike because you’re terrified it might get stolen. Yup. If bus drivers go on strike you’re definitely fucked.

• [UPDATE] The strike may or may not be lifted by Monday. As usual, no one is sure of anything.

• In the department of awesome – yet completely irrelevant – news: Mayor Mauricio Macri, who clearly has a lot of time to spare, wants Buenos Aires “to become the International Capital of Love.” No, seriously, he does.

• OUTRAGE! Argentines are enraged and foaming at the mouth due to a barbaric act of vandalism that has once again escalated tensions between Buenos Aires and London. This week, residents of the Malvinas/Falklands woke up to what was probably the most exciting thing to happen there since one of their sheep went missing a few years ago: the Argentine Military Cemetery had been broken into and the glass protecting a figurine of the Virgin Mary had been smashed to pieces by some sociopath. A shameful, reprehensible act, clearly. But the usual drama-queenism ensued and everyone here began pointing fingers towards England, as if it had been Queen Elizabeth II herself who sneaked in there in the middle of the night wearing a ski mask and brandishing a sledge hammer. England, of course, promised “a full, thorough investigation.” Well, yeah, how hard can it be? What’s the population on the islands, 12 people? Just blame the town drunk, he probably did it. Go to his house and arrest him, for God’s sake, it’s not like you need CSI: Malvinas to find the culprit.

• In order to perpetuate the notion that everyone involved in this bilateral conflict has the mental development of a five-year-old, the Buenos Aires province senate recently passed the Gaucho Rivero bill, which bans all British vessels involved in the exploration of hydrocarbons in the Malvinas/Falklands area from docking in the provincial ports. The bill was named in honor of Antonio Rivero, a gaucho who murdered five islanders back when the islands were seized by the British a million years ago. Oh, I’m sure naming it after a rebellious murderer is gonna make things a lot smoother, people.

• OUTRAGE (Part 2)! Ralph Lauren is leaving the country!!! (No, not the person, you idiots. The eponymous clothing brand.) Don’t worry though, they said it’s just a temporary thing, until trade restrictions are back to normal. Then we’ll all once again be able to choose not to go buy there.

• This week, in “New Currency Exchange Restrictions put in place to make your life more miserable than it already is“: Traveling to a bordering country? Then very soon you may no longer be allowed to purchase dollars, fool! You’ll have to buy whatever currency they have available and that’s final.

• Also, remember the guy arrested in Uruguay a few weeks ago who needed $5,000 dollars? Yeah, no one does. So I guess he may be spending the rest of his life in prison.

• Naughty, naughty! If you live in a country (gated community in the Greater Buenos Aires area), chances are your a serious tax evader. According to the media (and those guys are always right), four out of ten homeowners living there don’t pay taxes. Look, even La Nación is saying it! Rich people in this country have it so hard. First Ralph Lauren leaves and now this? We’re all doomed.

• Conservatives in this country are once again up in arms after learning that for the first time two gay men were officially allowed to register their baby – born of a surrogate mother in India – as their son. Congratulations, guys! (Congratulations to the gay parents, not to the conservatives for being up in arms. You know, just so we’re clear).

• So let’s say you enter a store and while you’re minding your own business a couple of armed robbers walk in. All hell breaks loose. OMG, please don’t kill me, arms in the air and all that. You know how it is, you’ve seen Point Break. So as the situation becomes chaotic you’ll understandably try to take advantage of it, because that’s what any regular human being would do. And as the store clerks are still in shock because someone was close to blowing their brains, you take your chance and grab some of the money they dropped on their way out because, hey, it was going to be stolen anyway, right? Wrong. You’ve been caught on tape. At least the robbers had a life purpose, they went in there to rob. What’s your excuse? You are a disgrace.

• Because having the glamorous Charlotte and Alexander Caniggia twins shoved down our throats everyday through the blessings of Argentine television is not enough, the local media are now checking Charlotte’s Facebook page and writing full-length articles about every brainfart she posts there. So when the lovable duet decided to upload this video of them dancing erratically and looking jacked up to their eyeballs, the media picked it up and turned it into a story about their “private party”. Ha! I know, I know. We journalists are douchebags.

• But hey, not all is lost in journalism, apparently. That quintessential 90s guy with a pony tail, dancing in the back? Apparently a gay porn star, thanks to this serious investigative piece. Phew! And I thought for a second this industry was doomed.

• Former diva and current Egyptian mummy Moria Casán was in a bit of a conundrum this week after finishing a gig in Paraguay. Casán, who we’ve come to love after centuries of cringe-inducing moments as a judge on Dancing With The Stars, was accused of stealing some jewelry worth $70,000 dollars she was supposed to wear on stage for a while and “forgot to return or something like that.” She was let go and allowed to return to Argentina the morning after, praise the Lord. The cops even admittedly “looked under her wig” to see if she had concealed them there, but found nothing. No, she really does wear a wig! She was born during the Pangaea period or something! Here she is, taking a dive in a water tank for some reason and totally losing her wig in the process.

• Hey! These are all important moments in Argentine pop culture, who cares if it’s not informative?! Shut up.

• Oh, and the missing jewels never turned up. But whatever, it’s Paraguay, right? … RIGHT?!

• [UPDATE] A Paraguayan court has issued an arrest warrant for Moria Casán and she has until Monday to appear before the judge. If she doesn’t, Interpol will be told to start looking for her. Oh this is going to be fun.

• Regarding the Olympics, I’ll be brief: so far Argentina has sucked at
  

  While I was writing this column in some random bar, Juan Martín Del Potro lost against Roger Federer in the Olympics. That’s the only reason why I chose to use his photo. Don’t complain, it was either him or the Caniggias. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  everything. Well, not really, but you know that standards for success here are impossibly high. You either win the gold or you’re a disgrace, period. The only hope right now is Juan Martin del Potro, who as I write these lines is playing against Roger Federer or something [UPDATE: He ended up with a bronze medal. Congrats!]. As an extremely blunt sports commentator said on TV after describing his disillusionment with Argentina’s performance in London: “in a few days, the football tournament begins and the Olympics go back to being a minor issue.” The Argentine athletes I’m sure are thrilled to hear that.

• When Homer wrote the Oddissey thousands of years ago (if you clicked on “Homer” because you weren’t sure whether I was talking about Homer Simpson or not, please close this browser and never EVER come back because if you do I swear to God I’ll shoot you), his vivid imagination inspired him to create a wondrous world of magical creatures and a very, very passive-aggressive Penelope. His tales of adventure, however, have no comparison to the string of mishaps that befell on Boca Juniors during a week-long tour throughout South America, briefly described here:

• After a series of games around Latin America that ended in Venezuela last week, the popular football team was getting ready to return to Argentina when they were told their plane had a little problem and couldn’t take off.

• That’s when they realized they didn’t have any money left to hire another plane, so they had to wait for their plane to be fixed. In the meantime, they were sent to some hotel in Caracas.

• Boca Juniors defender Rolando Schiavi, upset about the hotel they were sent to, took to his personal diary to express his displeasure with it, calling it “a roach hotel with dirty sheets and rat food.” Unfortunately, his personal diary is Twitter, so he immediately caused a scandal that resonated all across South America. He quickly deleted his tweets, but the damage was already done. Venezuelans were not happy.

• After waiting for days for a charter flight back to Buenos Aires, they finally got it, but there was one catch: it had to make a stop in Bolivia. The agreed, by now they were desperate to return.

• After a brief stop in Bolivia, they began their final approach to the City when they learned that a dense fog had invaded the Buenos Aires area, for which they couldn’t land here. Their flight was rerouted to Cordoba, where they would be forced to spend the night.

• Upon their arrival in Cordoba, they were told there was no room for them in any hotel.

• The closest hotel for them was in Villa Carlos Paz, 36 kilometers away from Córdoba.

• They looked down in resignation and took a bus to Villa Carlos Paz.

• They woke up like 20 minutes later and went back to their plane, which finally took off.

• Their plane crashed on the island from Lost.

• They finally returned to Buenos Aires yesterday evening. Which means the Torneo Inicial (and football in general) are back tomorrow after a brief period of calm and relaxation. FML.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

• Oh, I almost forgot! All Boys had to go through the same ordeal since they were on the same tour and booked on the same charter, but no one really cared about them.

Don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And man, talk about an Indian summer! What’s with this temperature in Buenos Aires, huh? And the humidity! If this is what winter feels like I can’t imagine how hot summer will be.

Have you ever spent a summer here? They are hot. Yes sir.

Hot.

Hot, hot…

*sigh*

OK, you know what? I gotta be honest with you. All this small talk about the weather is killing me. Trying to come up with something new to talk about every Friday in this little intro is a pain in the ass.

I’m tired and I just want to be done with it. I’m being 100% honest here. And I know you will take honesty over bullshit anytime.

So whatever, like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, read it and beat it.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Ousted Paraguayan president Fernando Lugo. Remember: Paraguay is not the same as Uruguay. They are two different countries, so don’t worry. Your summer vacation in Punta del Este is not in any immediate peril, you self-absorbed douche. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  The worst case scenario has come to pass! A coup has once again taken place in South America! Well, not really. Technically, Paraguayan president Fernando Lugo was impeached and removed from office in just one day by Congress. That’s right. It basically went down like this: Congressman 1 said “Hey, wanna impeach the president?” and Congressman 2 replied “Yes, let’s!”. And so they did, and 24 hours later he was removed from office after being accused of not performing his duties well. So like I said, technically the Paraguayan constitution was followed to the letter but we all know the whole thing is a sham. And boy are the other South American nations upset (mostly because they like him. If they guy had been a right-wing nut they would have lauded the decision. And that’s what politics is all about, whether you admit it or not). So now the Mercosur has suspended the landlocked nation as a member and the UNASUR is going apeshit over this. Since I know whenever I talk too much about politics you begin to check out, here’s a nice article you might find interesting about this whole imbroglio, in case you don’t want to keep reading about it here.

• As more and more nations in the region continue to ostracize the new Paraguayan president Federico Franco, most political leaders maintain a prudent distance from him, since being seen right next to him could be toxic and help someone become textbook unelectable. So I guess it’s a good thing that no one in this country really had any ties to him so the…- DAMN IT, MACRI!

• Meanwhile, the local Government is dealing with its own mess on a national scale now that former ally and current nemesis Hugo Moyano (AKA the most powerful unionist in the country) has brought up the heavy artillery and started a war with President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner because she refuses to rise the income tax floor. So if you’re wondering why last Wednesday Downtown Buenos Aires was a traffic mess, it’s because Moyano called on all truckers to join him in a national strike and led a demonstration in Plaza de Mayo, where he made extremely inflammatory accusations against Cristina, effectively ending their long, friendly relationship during the last decade.

• Ice Queen and also President of Argentina Cristina Fernández de Kirchner decided to respond to Moyano by ignoring him, and while he was furiously vociferating his discontent with the Government in Buenos Aires, she was not giving a fuck about it in the province of San Luis, where she was opening a pork meat processing plant. “The little ones remind me of Babe!” she said. “They’re cute, they are funny and they are also very tasty,” she added. A dangerously Machiavellian human being.

• Among the many truckers that chose not to join the strike, there was this man in Luján who was not affiliated to any union and chose to go to work because he risked losing his job and he had two children to feed. But alas! He was intercepted by a rollicking gang of truckers on strike who were not amused by his overt defiance to the Moyano doctrine. So they surrounded him and proceeded to do the unthinkable.

• No, they didn’t kill him! Jesus, what do you think they are, uncivilized, violent animals foaming at the mouth? Give these people some credit! They may be on strike but they are not savages, for Christ’s sake! No, they just beat him up and burned down his truck.

• Cristina declared two days of national mourning this week after 9 members of the National Gendarmerie were killed in a terrible bus crash in Chubut that also left several others dead and over 40 injured.

• This was bound to happen: remember Cristina’s suspicious proposal to the Malvinas/Falklands government, suggesting a new air link between Buenos Aires and the islands? I guess she wasn’t counting on the islanders’ acute bullshit detector, which immediately helped them realize that it was nothing but a subrepticious method of cultural dominance and eventual conquer of the disputed territory. How? No one knows. But it is, man! IT IS! So the islanders said no. Whatever, islanders! It’s not like we wanted to go there anyway! We have penguins in the south too! And for your information, tickets are too expensive for an average Argentine to go there so I guess the joke’s on you, maybe.

• Also this week, Cristina met with some of the Argentine athletes participating in the 2012 Olympics before they were shipped off in a container to London, and as she handed over the Argentine flag to the official flag carrier Luciana Aymar, she advised everyone “not to do anything stupid, because the British are waiting for us to be stupid.” She said the Olympic games are about sports and not politics (duh) and reminded the athletes not to react to any insults coming from the average British citizen. Where are these people going, London or a Manchester hooligan club? And come on Brits, give the Argies some credit. Their behavior will be more than pristine and professional throughout the entire…- HOLY SHIT THE DAILY MAIL IS ONTO US!!! EVERYONE SCURRY UNDER THE FRIDGE!! AGHHHH!!!!!

• This week, in famous Argentine celebrities who died and you don’t care about because you don’t own a TV and even if you do you don’t watch Argentine TV because half of the time you have no idea what’s going on: famed TV show host Juan Alberto Badía died last night after a long battle with cancer. Millions mourn him today and remember him fondly as one of the most revered personalities in television. See? I told you you didn’t care. Shame on you.

• Yesterday was one of those days the media would love to bury in the backyard and never talk about again. As millions maintained a symbolic vigil over Badía on Twitter, famed local news network C5N, in its reckless desperation to be first at everything, went “fuck it” and a few minutes after 10 pm decided to announce that Badía had died. Was it true? “WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE HAVE TO BE FIRST!” And since the golden age of journalism is long gone and we now have to settle with living in a culture of retweets and brainfarts, the news instantly became viral and every major news outlet in the country followed suit. Hey, even I tweeted about it! And then, after the family had to publicly deny his death, the media quietly began rolling back all their funeral marches and black ribbons and in a few minutes it was like nothing had ever happened. Then the people at C5N apologized live for killing someone who wasn’t dead. One minute later, Badía really died. Producers must have been so pissed.

• Oh, stop rolling your eyes at the Argentine media, people. Specially you, Americans! You had your own little media fiasco yesterday morning with this, OK? So shut up already.

• Oh-oh! Argentina is in bad odor with Mexico.

• Not to freak you out or anything but the second increase in taxi fares became effective three days ago. Remember I told you about it last month? Now the minimum fare is $8.20! Not that you care, you stopped taking taxis back in 2009.

• Remember last week’s appalling accusations against humble clergyman and probable gay-basher Bishop Fernando Bargalló, who had to come out and explain that the woman he had been photographed with was just a childhood friend and not fornicator-friend? Well, turns out he was totally fucking her.

• The horror! Millions panicked at unison yesterday afternoon when a blackout forcefully hit the areas of the city that are usually blackout-free (Palermo, Belgrano, Vicente López, Martínez, etc) and everyone felt for a couple of minutes what it feels like to live in the southern (i.e. poor) areas of the city, where rolling blackouts are customary. Fortunately the power soon returned, WiFi connections were reestablished, cell phones were recharged and tweets of relief were retweeted. Everybody happy! (Except for the southern areas of the city. You know, places you never go to/care to go to like Villa Riachuelo and stuff. And no, going to Creamfields once a year doesn’t count).

• Thieves these days. Remember a few weeks ago when some robbers broke
  

  Villa Riachuelo. I will bet you my life you’ve never been down there. Unless you have. If you have then I will not bet you anything. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  into a women’s clothing store in Belgrano and stole all the dresses in a hysterical frenzy? Well now some guys have taken their effeminate love for girly stuff one step further and, while robbing a family home in Moreno, they decided to steal a little girl’s doll collection. Official story says “they wanted the dolls for their daughters.” Riiiiiiiiiiight. Just like my Blu Ray collection of romantic comedies. I just bought them for whenever my female friends decide to pay a visit! Idiots.

• I know you probably set your VCR to record it and now have that VHS tape hidden away in your safe so you can cherish it as a memento of glittering grandeur for the rest of your life. But if some case of force majeure took place and you missed it, fret not my television-dependent friend! Here it is: uncensored, unrestrained and unfortunate, it’s the 2-hour premiere of Ricardo Fort‘s new show “Fort Night Show,” which ironically goes on the air once a week and not once every two weeks, as its name would have you believe. Please do me a favor and watch the unbearable first three minutes of this putrid vomit of a show in which he ruins pop culture forever my mocking classic icons such as The Terminator, Dynasty, Charlie’s Angels and Adele. I also dare you to watch the rest without killing yourself.

• Do you need five minutes after this? That’s OK, I understand. Go out, take a deep breath. If not you might end up looking like one of those dead girls from The Ring. Go on, this column will be waiting when you’re back.

• Because apparently he’s not enough of a loser, Katie Price’s boy toy Leandro Penna has become the first one to be eliminated from Dancing With The Stars.

• Have you clicked on his Wikipedia page? Go on, check it out.

• That’s right, he doesn’t even have one! BOOM! I’m on fire today.

• Hey. Football lovers. Let’s talk. Sure, you hate me and I hate you but that doesn’t…- oh, you don’t hate me? Forget that part then. As I was saying, we like each other despite our disagreements over that despicable sport. So why not put our differences aside and reach a detente from now on? I mean, let’s just agree to disagree and maintain a relationship in amicable terms in which I openly patronize you for yelling at the TV screen like an idiot for 90 minutes and you explain to me that the only reason I don’t like this sport is because I suck at it. But all in good terms, alright? Alright.

• Inevitable future president of Argentina, Mayor Mauricio Macri, became a Twitter sensation this week for all the wrong reasons after once again failing miserably to mingle with the populace. After a game featuring Boca Juniors vs. Corinthians in a tournament called Copa Liberators or something, everyone’s favorite mayor tried to congratulate two Boca players for a job well done but spelled one of their names wrong (“Erbiti” instead of “Erviti“), instantly becoming the target of a million jokes across the web since – let’s face it – his illiteracy should be mocked. “#TuiteandoComoMacri” (“Tweeting like Macri”) became an instant trending topic, and it got so big that he even decided to mock himself by using it for a non-apology. Nicely played, Mr. Mayor. I have some new found respect for you. Still wouldn’t vote for you though.

• At last! After a year of painful agonizing and despair, everyone’s favorite underdog River Plate managed to return to the First Division! Yay! River Plate! River Plate! And the best part (for you, not me) of this is that the Superclásico is once again a reality! Hurray!

• But of course, everything in the universe is about balance, and one team’s celebration is another team’s disgrace. This time it’s the chaps from some team named Banfield who are suffering the opprobrium of relegation and boy, those fans were unhappy. However, as they were leaving the stadium looking downcast and in peace, the police decided to start randomly shooting at them (at the 1:30 mark) just in case. You never know when a regular fan might suddenly turn into a blood-thirsty hooligan eager to dismember a police officer and feed their limbs to their uncivilized peers. So there. You like football? Then be a man and get ready to get shot.

• Last but not least: I have never, ever, EVER had a burning desire to attend a football match. However, after witnessing such a fine display of decorum and camaraderie coming from the mouths of these four fine ladies who happen to be Banfield fans, I may have to reconsider. In fact, I want these four potty-mouthed damsels to be my grandmothers. All of them. Here, have fun with the Banfield girls, the latest viral sensation that has taken over the internet. They are like the female version of Tano Pasman, only they somehow seem even crasser and yet all you wanna do is hug them.

It’s Winter again!

And Friday too, but mostly winter!

Holy shit, you guys.

Have you all been freezing your asses or is it just me? Damn! This week we had a major temperature drop and we all woke up on Tuesday to realize we had been teleported to the South Pole.

For three straight days we had to put up with the whiners that complained about the lack of snow and who later started freaking out about the mild sleet that was dousing the city.

And no, just because it snows it doesn’t mean that “Buenos Aires is just like New York.” Shut up already.

And remember that if you see anyone sleeping on the street on these cold winter nights, you can always dial 108 (write it down!!) and let the City Government know where they are. They will pick them up and take them to a shelter to protect them from the polar wave.

There. Now that I’ve helped you become a better person, and that you have liked the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, this is what you need to know:

• 

  Downtown Buenos Aires this week. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Oh man, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is pissed. After last week – as I explained here – it became public that the queen of all-things-populist had over 3 million dollars in savings, even though her administration was urging everyone to start saving in pesos, she decided to give a press conference to announce her decision to “pesify” her savings (meaning, to convert them to pesos). You see people? She’s just like us. Except for the part the she has three million dollars and she’s President, but when it comes to everything else, she’s just like us. Let’s love her!

• Score one for the political opposition! Remember last week when I told you about Daniel Reposo? No? OK. He was the guy who was supposed to become the nation’s procurator-general and had submitted his typo-plagued résumé to the Senate so they could evaluate his credentials? Ah, see? I knew you would remember. Well it turns out there were much more “typos” involved, and after being grilled in the Senate for over 10 hours on Wednesday and responding to the opposition’s accusations with lukewarm rebukes at best, he finally freaked out and last night decided to withdraw his nomination. Reposo announced his decision in a series of letters that he sent to the President, to Vice-President Amado Boudou, to the UCR and the Victory Front parties. Surprisingly, there were no typos involved this time.

• [UPDATE] Sorry everyone! I appear to have spoken too soon, since as readers have kindly pointed out, his letters were riddled with typos. Real typos this time! He wrote “haber” like “aber” and mistook Clarín’s CEO Hector Magnetto with this guy from the X-Men. Thanks for the heads up, Internet people!

• Did you go to the big old Cacerolazo in Plaza de Mayo yesterday? I found it to be a lot less exciting than I though it would be, honestly. And if you went by some picturesque characters, it looked a little too much like a franchise of the Tea Party movement. There was the guy wrapped in dollars, the guy saying that Argentina was turning into the Soviet Union, and the ladies banging their safety deposit boxes. Aside from that, there were others who legitimately protested some of the Government’s biggest flaws, like inflation, corruption and a growing insecurity. But you know how it is: if nothing is set on fire, then there’s nothing to see here, people.

• And no, you freaks. Twitter did not censor the #Cacerolazo trending topic. The simple explanation is that once a TT (in this case, “#Cacerolazo”) peaks, it will not show up again in order to make room for new TTs. In other words, they favor novelty over popularity. If you want to blame someone for this, don’t blame the Government, blame the Justin Bieber fans (like, for real).

• Also, I’m not one to join the Government’s crusade against Clarín, but lying by omission is also lying. Oh, and in this case the state news agency Telam may be right, but don’t worry, they do it too.

• Oh and also, do you want to take part in a cacerolazo but fear that holding a couple of frying pans over your head may betray your debonair, cool-looking exterior? There’s an app for that.

• So while the country is in tatters, what was the political leader of the opposition, our Lord Savior and future presidential candidate Mayor Mauricio Macri doing? Oh, he was busy playing guitar with the mayor of Lisbon, celebrating that Rock in Rio 2013 will take place in Buenos Aires and most definitely not in Rio, like its confusing name falsely advertises. The Mayor also announced that the music festival will take place in the abandoned – and quite possibly haunted – Parque de la Ciudad, in the distant neighborhood of Villa Soldati. Which means you will have no choice but to visit the so-called “uncharted territory” (i.e. anything below Rivadavia Av.) not once but twice next year (the second time being when you go to Creamfields, you pill-popping douchebags).

• As the 30th anniversary of the end of the Malvinas/Falklands War approaches (which means that, yes, once again we’re gonna have to put up with Cristina’s faux-motional speeches and David Cameron‘s preponderance of fear mongering exposition for a couple of weeks) the Government has announced that the five British oil companies carrying on exploration projects on the surroundings of the Malvinas/Falklands Islands are doing so “illegitimately,” in case you didn’t hear them the last two million times they said it.

• Meanwhile, in London: the British Government has accused Argentina of utilizing its “position in the world” to damage the islands’ economy, in case you didn’t hear them the last two million times they said it.

• Ah, here’s some progress! While attending an OAS General Assembly in Bolivia, dangerously insane Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman once again said the islands belonged to Argentina and urged the UK to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... But then I woke up and was happy to see that after his stern speech, he approached the British representative in the assembly, Fiona Clouder, and both were seen laughing and sharing an honest moment of camaraderie. Now this can only mean two things: A) That despite having a name that sounds like someone you would find in a Harry Potter novel, Ms. Clouder is a treacherous, ruthless double agent working with Argentina to bring the British Empire to its knees, or B) This whole bilateral conflict is just a ruse perpetrated by two nations desperately looking to stir up the masses and boost sentiments of nationalism in order to conceal an impending decline in widespread political support. In order to keep my sanity, I will go with the “double agent” version.

• Now here’s something you’ll find interesting: in its monstrous efforts to de-dollarize the economy, the National Government is drafting a bill that looks to make mandatory that all property-related transactions (rent/buy/sell) are carried out in Argentine pesos. If the bill is passed, you know what that means? That your landlord will no longer be able to charge you $1500 dollars for your shitty studio apartment in Palermo. Now it will have to be in pesos. It will still be ridiculously expensive, but in pesos. Hurray!

• Also, I’m sure your landlord will find a way to keep ripping you off every month. Sorry, I had to say that.

• By the way, this week in Fashion: Perfil‘s lady-oriented section “Rouge” has a great piece on how the hipster look has become “a thing.” Too bad the article is ten years too late, but here’s a golden star for the effort.

• Oh look! It also has a piece on how to “look preppy“, in case you haven’t been to Punta del Este in the last 150 years! Bookmark this one ladies, I have a feeling we’re going to be hearing a lot more from it!

• And speaking of fashion victims, remember how thieves used to break into designer stores to get into the cash register and steal all that money? Well, not anymore! It’s 2012, people. What guys want now are dresses. Lots and lots of dresses! At least that’s what it looks like if we go by this security footage from a store in Belgrano that was broken into at 2 am this week by two guys. Hey, not that I’m judging. You’re welcome to wear anything you want in my book as long as you’re comfortable with it. It’s the stealing part I’m not so crazy about.

• Finally! After years of neglectfulness and heartbreaking snubs, Sony Computer Entertainment announced this week that the much coveted PlayStation Network (you know, the one that got hacked last year and exposed the credit card information of millions of users) will arrive in Argentina in 2013. Not to rain on your parade, Sony Computer Entertainment, but the Wii U is coming out by the end of the year and you know the Argentines, they are like insatiable neophiles when it comes to technology. Better luck next time, you guys! And maybe don’t wait six long fucking years to acknowledge Latin America’s existence, you pricks.

• If you have a Claro line, be aware that you’ll get a $10 pesos discount next month. I’m not exactly sure what they did this time, but it probably involved stealing from you, so the government is spanking them in the ass again. Whatever. Now you know.

• OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! Try not to hyperventilate but feast your eyes on this, people! The official “Dancing With the Stars 2012” promotional photo has finally been released! I know the show’s premiere is still three days away but this will soothe our anxiety and help us make it through the weekend. Highlights this season, which will allegedly focus more on equality and less on tits and ass, include a one-legged dancer and a girl with down syndrome, a move that I personally applaud. The rest of the cast is made up of hookers and goldiggers as usual.

• Popular Latin pop singer Estela Raval passed away at 77 this week after a long battle with cancer. Don’t worry, you didn’t know who she was so you don’t need to mourn her. In the unlikely case you want to know who she was, here’s a link to her performance on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1967. Or something like that.

• You didn’t click on that did you? That’s OK, I’m not judging.

• As the National Football Team arrived in New Jersey (US) for some game
  

  "Some chick who died," according to you. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  I’m not even gonna bother looking up what it’s about, the Argentine media was outraged – OUTRAGED! – that Americans were oblivious to the fact that Jesus 2.0 (A.K.A. Lionel Messi) was walking among them. Apparently for some reason that I will also not look up, Argentine San Antonio Spurs’ superstar Manu Ginobili stole Messi’s thunder. And since in the US football (or “the soccer”) is only played by little girls and tiger moms, nobody gave a shit. Hey! New Jersey sounds like my kind of place! Let me know when the entire cast of The Jersey Shore is dead, I may consider moving up there.

• As the football boys aimlessly toured the evil mecca of capitalism unnoticed, marveling at the alluring siren song of mass consumption and cotton candy, somewhat popular footballer Sergio “Kun” Aguero went on a shopping spree and purchased an Iron Man doll ”for his son.” Right.

• Oh, I’m sorry! You don’t think that was newsworthy? Well, look at you all nose up in the air, pompously wagging your finger at me, as if you were some kind of respectable journalist. Sorry to have to tell you this people, but Clarín, La Nación, Minuto Uno, Fox Sports and Radio Continental all beg to differ. And those, my friends, are serious news outlets offering relevant need-to-know information on a daily basis. What did you do today? Yeah. Didn’t think so.

• Last but not least: last weekend Argentina beat Ecuador 4-0 during a World Cup 2014 qualifier and the entire country was hysterical, over-celebrating and overreacting after every goal. And I say “overreacting” because I know you know this was a shitty game and that Ecuador didn’t really stand a chance, but you still pretended to be extremely excited and yelled like you just won the lottery. Yes. You should know that every time I see you jump off your chair screaming “GOAL!” during a game that really doesn’t make a difference, I am quietly judging you.

• Fuck football.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

To a distracted spectator, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner and Buenos Aires Mayor Mauricio Macri fighting over the subte looks like two children passing each other the hot potato.

Waiting in long lines for the buses on a day without a subte strike. (Photo: Beatrice Murch)

While the debate over who the subte really belongs to continues, its workers went on strike to demand better working conditions and pushed the city to the brink of collapse for 36 hours. It was the eleventh strike since the beginning of the year, and the above-mentioned distracted spectator was forced to wait endless hours in line to catch a bus crammed with people, trying to make their way around the jam-packed roads of the city.

A twelfth strike that threatened to last 72 hours was avoided at the last minute when the subte workers’ unions and operator Metrovias S.A. came to an agreement over a 10-15% salary increase, still far from the 28% one demanded.

More than one journalist, however, has defined it “a precarious truce”.

Grupo Roggio, the company controlling Metrovias and holding the concession to run the subte since its privatisation in 1994, “promised money [to its workers], and no one knows where it will come from,” La Nación reported last week, meaning that it is still not clear whether it will be up to the national state or to the city of Buenos Aires to help Metrovias pay the promised salary adjustment.

“The demand is still on. The patching is temporary,” said Roberto Pianelli, representative of one of the two subte workers’ associations, Trade Union for Subte and Premetro (AGTSyP). The deal will last until 1st August, when the parties will meet again to discuss a new agreement.

At the moment, the subte situation is at a legislative no man’s land, and this is not good to anyone. What is there really at stake in the subte dispute?

The Story So Far

The salary dispute of these last days is an indirect consequence of the delayed transition of the subte from national to city control.

The first subway line in South America – Linea A – is constructed under Avenida de Mayo in 1912.

The subte belonged to the city for decades, even before Buenos Aires gained autonomous status through a constitutional reform in 1994. In that year, the underground network was also privatised, and a 20-year concession to run it was granted to Grupo Roggio.

Buenos Aires mayor Mauricio Macri had long demanded the return of the subte to the hands of the city government. Then, at the end of the last year, he agreed with the national government to sign a deal for the handover of the subte on the 3rd January 2012.

The contract stated that the central government, formal owner of the concession granted to Grupo Roggio, transferred “only four of the 16 obligations that the state had with Grupo Roggio,” explains Rafael Gentili, lawyer and representative for the opposition Proyecto Sur party at the Buenos Aires legislature.

“Amongst them, that of checking that the company running the subte fulfils the terms of the licence, and the most important one: the power of setting the fares.”

The city accepted the transfer and the responsibility to have the last say on economic matters – a way to compensate the drastic cut of subsidies that came with the agreement. The state was in fact taking back half of the $740m per year given in subsidies to Metrovias, offering to pay only $360m for the first year and not a single peso from January 2013.

Thanks to state subsidies, fares have remained mostly unchanged since the 2001 crisis, despite the increases in general prices and wages. The day after the deal for the subte transition was sealed, the Buenos Aires government announced a 127% increase in the fares, from $1.10 to $2.50.

The following month, Metrovías informed that it was having ”serious difficulties” paying salaries, due to the cut in subsidies.

During a speech, President Fernández noted that with the 127% price increase in the price of subte tickets, ridership fell by 30%.

The Impact of the Once Train Crash

Once train crash that killed 51 passengers (Photo: Beatrice Murch)

Almost two months into the 90-day transition window established to regulate the legal framework of the transfer, a train on the Sarmiento line crashed on a track bumper at Once station killing 51 people and leaving nearly 700 injured.

“After the tragedy at Once station […] the landscape changed radically. Macri, without money and with audits at hand, was scared that something similar could happen to the subte network,” explains La Nacion’s journalist Pablo Tomino.

“So he launched an escape plan. […] The ending is known: the subte does not belong to anyone. The destiny of an illegitimate child.”

Ever since the tragedy happened, the subte has lied in a sort of limbo, with Macri handing it back to the national government.

For analysts and law experts close to Macri’s party, PRO, the deal signed on the 3rd January was only a pre-agreement that did not get ratified, carrying therefore no legal obligation for Macri; a big majority of commentators argue instead that the document is binding as it clearly states that the City accepts the transfer of the subte concession.

Macri also used the security vacuum caused by the withdrawal of the Federal Police from the platforms as a pretext to reject the transfer, even though Security Minister Nilda Garré said that it had been agreed upon “on the 20th January and ratified on the 27th January” with the Minister of Security for the City of Buenos Aires, Guillermo Montenegro.

The quarrel soon made it to the courts and to the national congress, where a law was passed on 28th March transferring the subte and a number of bus lines to the jurisdiction of the city. Macri, however, has so far refused to accept responsibility for these services. It is in this context that the subte workers’ wage negotiations took place.

The Russian Roulette: ‘The Subte is just like the Sarmiento Trains’

Those were Macri’s exact words on the 25th May, also adding: “they [the national government] may play Russian roulette with people, I won’t.”

Juan Pablo Piccardo, president of the Buenos Aires Underground State Society (SBASE), a state-owned company responsible for the subte, was sent by Macri to negotiate at the last meeting with trade unions. There, he complained that the lack of investments in the past 10 years have led to a “faulty service, with too-small a network, 100-year old trains and saturated subte lines.”

The subte transports between 1.2 and 1.6 million passengers per day. After the 2001 economic crisis, Metrovías was exempted from the responsibility of investing in the expansion of the network and its trains, an obligation that was dumped on the national and local governments. “The company only cared about running the trains,” La Nación wrote in January.

Federal Planification Minister Julio de Vido accused Grupo Roggio and Metrovias of mismanaging the subte concession and subsidies for personal gain at the detriment of commuters.

Recently, the centre-left Proyecto Sur party presented a report on the twisted business model of Grupo Roggio.

“The scheme is summarised in a poor concessioner [running the trains] and an owner gaining a lot of money from this concession,” Gentili points out. “Metrovias is left with the loss-making part of the business, while the owner with the profit-making part of it.”

Gentili’s words are exemplified by the way the publicity business is handled in the underground network.

“Commuters spend 15-20 min in the subte, and throughout this period they are sold ads while they wander around. Also, the underground network is a space up for sale to install high-speed Internet cables or mobile phones network antennas,” Gentili analyses.

Since 2000, the commercial exploitation of advertisement spaces is in the hands of a third-party entity called Metronec SA, also wholly owned by Grupo Roggio.

Metronec paid a monthly canon of US$125,000 plus VAT for 2000-08, and US$166,000 plus VAT for 2008-17 to Metrovias. The business, however, is worth millions and the contract was never updated to current times: Metrovias still receives the same amount of money.

According to Gentili, net losses for Metrovias due to the lack of income related to publicity are around $27 million per year, while the total damage for the company resulting from this “parasitic attitude” could be around $100 million per year all considered. “Metrovias could use this money to improve and finance its service,” Gentili adds.

The newest line – Linea H – at Once (Photo: Beatrice Murch)

Despite Macri’s promises (“are we so stupid that we can’t build 10km of subte per year?”), the underground network of Buenos Aires is still considered inadequate for the capital’s needs, being only 47km long, while other large cities like London and Mexico City have 400km and 202km respectively. As data revealed by the blog Apuntes Urbanos show, in the last 15 years investments worth millions extended the network by an average of only 1.36km per year.

Gentili and various journalists analysing the state of the subte calculate that the underground network needs at least US$100m in investments for network updates, security and expansion.

“Conditions of the service now are worse than they were in 1994 – after 18 years of private management. It is impossible to think about a private investor doing enough investments to run a business [that affects the public],” Gentili points out.

“[The subte] needs long-term investments, while private companies only seek to maximise short-term profits. The state has to intervene. There is no chance for the service to be better if the contract with Metrovias is not terminated”

Gentili also argues that making investments worth US$100m is not a problem for a city like Buenos Aires, “The volume of income in the city is linked to the favourable economic cycle. But a lot of money is lost in corruption,” he says. “Public works are one of the corruption tools in politics. Works are made to last longer, therefore generating more costs for the company.” 

Future Perspectives

On the 4th May, three months after the Once tragedy, minister De Vido announced the termination of the contract with TBA, the company responsible for the management of the Sarmiento and Mitre train lines.

The problematic train lines have been temporarily handed over to a consortium made up of railway management heavyweights Metrovías and Ferrovías.

In 2013 the government is supposed to stop subsidising the subte once and for all, and analysts reckon that by then the cost of the ticket should increase up to $3.70 to avoid a deficient service – or to $4.20, in order for Metrovias to have enough money to make investments.

“Macri will end up taking responsibility for it. In August it shall all be fixed, but this country is really changing,” Gentili says. “However, it seems to me that the government is getting ready to terminate the contract with Metrovias [valid until 2017]. This is the only way to end the litigation without waiting for Macri’s signature of approval.”

“It is a tactical war on the shoulders of the citizens,” he concludes. “It is not clear who benefits from it. […] Clearly it’s not the citizens.”

Oh, it’s Friday alright.

And today’s edition of the Weekly News Roundup is particularly fat and juicy, so let’s get down to business fast.

First things first: after thousands and thousands of annoying emails from you, my loyal readers, urging me to create a Weekly News Roundup Facebook page so you can be even lazier every Friday and find this column in one click instead of three, guess what… Here it is! Now you better like it a thousand times and share it on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and Friendster or else.

Also, if so much shit keeps going down every week in this country, I’m either gonna need an intern or a pacemaker.

Since the intern is pretty unlikely, I guess I’m fucked.

This is what you need to know before I have a stroke:

• 

  Probably for the first time in its history, Argentina had a president that was only in power for a few hours due to reasons not related to a coup d’état or a horrible economic crisis. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  On Wednesday, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner flew to Angola, a country that you know is in Africa but that’s pretty much all you know about it (What’s the capital of Angola? See? I told you) to promote bilateral trade – or so she says. Since our favorite Vice-President, mischievous Amado Boudou was in Switzerland receiving an award from the UIT – or so he says – it was up to the third person in line, Provisional Head of the Senate Beatriz Rojkés de Alperovich to step up to the challenge and become acting President, at least until any of the other two came back. Beatriz, a gaffe-prone politician known for accidentally voting in favor of creating a special bicameral committee to investigate Boudou (she was supposed to vote against it) was never even given a chance to speak, just in case she accidentally declared war with the UK. I’m telling you, you can’t even make this whole thing up. It’s like living in an endless sitcom.

• Meanwhile, in Angola… THIS.

• Speaking of Vice-President Amado Boudou, the poor man (I say “poor man” figuratively) can’t catch a break. Not only he’s being investigated of influence peddling, now he has also being accused of being part of an illegal enrichment scheme along with his red-hot temptress of a girlfriend.

• But if you think that it’s only the Kirchnerite realm that is in deep shit, you are dead wrong. Opposition leader by default and Buenos Aires Mayor by accident Mauricio Macri is still being investigated for allegedly authorizing the illegal wiretapping and surveillance of private citizens. Since the case is headed to trial, Macri is expected to take the stand and be questioned by the prosecution.

• But as his Nixonian nightmare continues to develop, Mayor Macri doesn’t care. This week he was busy awarding universally reviled Guatemalan singer Ricardo Arjona with one of those ugly-looking tiles that are being scattered throughout the city in a poor attempt to imitate the Hollywood Walk of Fame. That’s how much he cares about this whole espionage scandal. Macri is badass. Just like the honey badger, Mayor Macri don’t care. Mayor Macri don’t give a shit.

• Meanwhile in Angola… THIS. Government officials regaled barefoot Angolan kids with socks reading “Clarín lies.” This is conceptually so fucked up that I couldn’t even come up with a joke. Sorry.

• Last Sunday brought another edition of Periodismo Para Todos, an infotainment show hosted by serial smoker and controversial journalist Jorge Lanata that has become the de facto leader of the political opposition. Whatever new “scandal” Lanata hits Cristina with, we know that the opposition will bite on it and parrot it for days until whatever new controversy arises. This week his show focused on how Cristina hates to give press conferences (she’s only given a few during her presidency and when she does she is very aggressive towards any reporters who are ideologically different), and featured a surprise appearance by dozens of prominent journalists who chanted in unison “Queremos preguntar!” (“We want to ask questions”). Once the impromptu Greek chorus settled down, Lanata gave his guests a chance to address the President directly on live television and ask her the questions that they are not able to ask to her face. Just imagine, so many things! Inflation! Corruption! The dollar! Rising insecurity! So Argentine TV and radio legend Fernando Bravo, who doesn’t have a Wikipedia page in English so I guess he’s not that much of a legend, was the one chosen to unleash the blitz first because of his sharp tongue and acute political savvy. As the crowd went silent and the entire country sat on the edge of their seat in horror, petrified by his imminent words, Lanata approached the microphone and said: “Fernando, what would you like to ask?” And then Fernando had an “I like turtles” moment and said “Uhm, I’d like to ask the President… what does she think about this show we’re doing?” (00:44 mark). Everyone’s jaws automatically dislocated in disbelief due to the resounding stupidity of his question, and because just like that he had fucked up the entire momentum of the segment. You can even hear a few subtle chuckles by his colleagues in the back! Are you still wondering why journalism is dying?

• Oh, and by the way: if you don’t know what an “I like turtles!” moment is, click here to watch where it comes from.

• Since this week I’ve been asked to death about what I think is going to happen with the dollar, let me tell you: First, fuck you, I’m not an economist. Second: read this CNBC article that explains it pretty clearly and leave me alone.

• Oops! You know how we’re always complaining about inflation but the Government says there’s no inflation, only “price dispersion“? (You didn’t click on that link, did you? Don’t worry, I wouldn’t have either). Well, as it turns out, a group of renegade employees (or as I’ll call them: “traitors”) working for the official inflation-measuring agency INDEC decided to come clean and release the list of prices used to calculate the country’s Consumer Price Index, revealing that the figures reflect prices from 2008. Now let’s just sit and wait for the Government to accuse these men of blasphemy and explain that their numbers are cooked while assuring that according to INDEC calculations we’re indeed living in 2008, not 2012.

• As I’m sure you probably know, subway workers went on an insane 36-hour strike this week that turned traffic into one citywide clusterfuck. The reason for the strike, as I’ve stated here before, is that the Subte is in legal limbo. It’s bleeding money. A lot of money. So neither City Hall nor the National Government want to deal with it, and it’s been like that for several months now, you know the story. Plus, employees are asking for higher salaries and the company says there is no money left. So how were we, common peasants, supposed to go to work? Fret not, my fellow reader! Fortunately for you, your favorite newspaper in the whole world La Nación was there to save the day with their drama-queen headline “How to survive 36 hours without the Subte“, which was later changed to sound less apocalyptic. The article boasts some clever, mind-blowing tips to get from Point A to Point B, such as “walking” or “taking a bus.” Also, in some clear attempt to think outside of the box, it also suggests “taking a taxi” or in some extreme cases, “riding a bike.” I smell a Pulitzer!

• No, really. Are you still wondering why journalism is dying?

• Also, when I refer to La Nación as ”your favorite” Spanish-based newspaper, I mean it. I know you people are obsessed with it. I see you there “liking” it on Facebook and posting every meaningless article they put up on your timeline like there’s nothing else to read. Which means you totally dismissed my advice suggesting your read all newspapers in the country and you’ve greatly disappointed me. Now go to your room.

• And I don’t mean to freak you out but since the union conflicts within the Subte continue, workers have announced a three-day strike next week, which means they will close on Monday night and reopen on Friday morning. Oh, it’s gonna be a fun week.

• Remember how last week I lashed at the British for making that lame, lame Olympic ad spoof that “laughed” at the Argentine proclivity to be late? Guess what. This week, all is forgiven! Even better: it appears they actually took my advice and came up not only with a technically and visually superb ad, but they also made fun of Diego Maradona! Sure, the Carlsberg beer ad glorifies and potentially exacerbates the concept of hooliganism. But who cares about all that when you get to see Diego Maradona mopping the floors for a fraction of a second wearing the t-shirt of the Argentine football team? Certainly not me. Enjoy the ad.

• This week in gay: Finally! City Hall has decided to allow gay foreigners get married in the city of Buenos Aires. It seems that Mayor Macri’s views on gay marriage “evolved” just like Obama’s last week. More gay news coming up after this.

• Not content with its already flamboyantly gay name, Harrod’s Buenos Aires, that abandoned black hole sitting close to the intersection of Florida and Cordoba that has remained vacant for decades since it went broke forever ago, is apparently making a comeback. Well, not only a comeback. A gay comeback! (See? I told you it was about gay news). That’s right. The project to reopen Harrod’s, estimated at 40 million dollars, is aimed at “the gay segment of the population” which is kind of an overstatement considering nothing in this world is gayer than a shopping mall. Maybe a football game, but that’s another story. Congratulations, gays! You know you’ve finally reached equality when capitalism begins targeting your demographic for financial exploitation.

• Despite the popular belief that the New Kids on the Block were all dead, apparently they are kind of alive and for some reason they are coming to Argentina next month. It seems that even though they are neither new nor kids, they have some pretty solid fan base here. So in case you’re planning on going to see them promote their unpronounceable album, here is a link to the site where you can buy the tickets.

• I know. I’m not going either but whatever. It’s courtesy.

• I’m sure by now we’ve all lost count of how many spin-offs the Argentine version of Dancing With the Stars (in Spanish, Bailando por un Sueño, or “Dancing For a Dream”) has spawned in the last few years. But as Singing With the Stars approaches its premiere date, producers are trying to milk that cow in every way possible. So now there’s this show aptly named Soñando por Cantar (Dreaming to Sing… barf), a mixture of American Idol and something else that I’m having trouble identifying. So contestants go on stage and embarrass themselves for a few minutes and stuff. No, seriously. In a nutshell, that’s pretty much the concept of the show. And this week, this girl was on stage and was asked to perform Whitney Houston‘s unforgettable “I Will Always Love you“. Unfortunately not only she agreed to channel her inner Whitney, she also totally butchered the song by singing in Spanish and completely off key. Ms. Houston, who was probably already spinning in her grave due to this, seems to have said “enough of this bullshit” and ghost-punched her in the face to end this postmortem debauchery once and for all. The result is, of course, hilarious.

• That’s OK, take your time to laugh. There’s no rush.

• OK, this is a football one with lots of plot twists and names so chances are
  

  Lesson learned: don’t piss off dead Whitney. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  I’m gonna fuck up big time. But fear not, because all that matters is the hilarious video at the end. Ricardo Caruso Lombardi is the current coach of a team named San Lorenzo. People tell me it’s a fairly popular team (I’m already lost but I’ll keep going). Caruso Lombardi is fairly new to San Lorenzo, since he was brought in to replace the former coach, Leonardo Madelón. The Madelón years were, according to football historians, pretty forgettable. In fact, he began coaching last November and was fired in April after five months of poor performances. I’m not sure what befell Madelón after his resignation but I’m pretty sure he’s dead. Or at least he’s been banished from the kingdom. I don’t know, some friends were explaining the whole thing to me but Family Guy was on and I find it really hard to retain any football-related data so I may not have all the information that you need. The thing is Madelón is gone, that’s for sure. Maybe dead, too. But anyway, last Monday afternoon Caruso Lombardi was a guest at some football TV show and, alas, he spoke ill of his (dead?) predecessor’s performance. Naturally, the predecessor’s minions (or “field assistants”) were not amused by his lack of decorum and principles and decided to go wait for him outside the TV station to discuss the matter like grown up gentlemen. Or, in other words, beat the shit out of him.

• The cop trying to separate the two of them while sexting his girlfriend at the 00:41 mark is one of the best things I’ve seen in my entire life.

• And finally! I never thought I would ever write the words “Obama” and “Boca Juniors” in the same paragraph, but here it is. This week Barack Obama was driving around Washington DC with his posse and decided to go get some food. He entered some random joint, got his sandwiches, paid, met with the owners a few minutes and left. Now, if you’re wondering why this was plastered all over the newspapers, computer screens and discussed ad nauseum in every social and TV network, it is because the guy behind the counter was wearing a Boca Juniors t-shirt!! Not only that, Obama said that the t-shirt had “beautiful colors”! Oh my God, you guys!!!!!! This was enough to make all Boca fans around to world to join in a collective orgasm and miraculously start praising Obama for being the best president in like, ever. It was also featured here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

• And of course, minutes later the restaurant owner had his fifteen minutes of fame after Clarín published his mandatory “Who is…?” profile. He likes to sell choripanes, people! Thank God for that piece of information. My life is now complete.

• For the last time, are you still wondering why journalism is dying? Yeah, I didn’t think so.