Weekly News Roundup, December 16th.

Posted on 16 December 2011. Tags: Argentina, Cristina, donda, fernandez, foreigner, independent, kirchner, Maradona, news, roundup, thoughts, victoria, weekly

It’s Friday again!

And I’m going away for the holidays so I have to pack and stuff. I’m pressed for time, is what I’m trying to say. I’m also trying to say that there’s not gonna be a Weekly News Roundup next Friday because I’ll be lying on a beach somewhere.

Shut up! I’m a normal person with feelings and if you get to go away for the holidays I get to go away too!

This is what you need to know, read it and leave me alone:

Happier times: President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner and Hugo Moyano back when they were friends. Also back when her face looked suspiciously different. (Photo/Wikipedia)

First, the obvious: President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was sworn-in last Saturday, and boy, was she in a bitchy mood at first (in her defense, she was missing her husband, so I guess she had every right to be sad). Now, you have the choice to watch the You Tube version of the inauguration which is six hours long (that’s like watching Titanic two times or Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix three times! How crazy is that, huh?) or you can read the shortened version here, which will probably focus on all the irrelevant shit that took place instead of the important parts of her speech, like when she blasted corporations and media conglomerates while she vowed to continue to focus on social issues and domestic industry in order to keep the local economy growing.

See what I just did there? I just fed you information and you didn’t even notice it. Now you know what the major talking points of her speech were, and that makes you a smarter person. Your welcome.

Now on to the “irrelevant shit” part!

Of course, her nemesis Vice-President Julio Cobos was there (as the Constitution demands) and everyone was like “awkwaaaaard…!” but fortunately she didn’t slap him or anything. She just shook his hand without even looking at him, and then when it was time for her to be awarded the presidential sash, it was her daughter ~~Lady Gaga~~ Florencia Kirchner who gave it to her, instead of the outgoing Vice-President (as protocol dictates), who was just standing behind her, applauding and going like “God, kill me now.” By the way, isn’t her daughter kinda hot? I think she’s kinda hot.

While the President was addressing Congress, a loud alarm went off in the Lower House floor and she was forced to interrupt the speech. Since Chilean president Sebastián Piñera was present (and we all know he’s bad luck) everyone probably went “Shit! Tsunami or Earthquake or World War III! Run!” Cristina, confused at first, suddenly realized that the man sitting right next to her, the new head of the Lower House Julián Dominguez, had casually leaned on his desk and unwittingly activated the House’s buzzer, used to let lawmakers know that they must take their seats. “Cobos never did this to me!” she said while laughing, although I’m sure she was thinking of later having him assassinated.

Did you think it was only the US and the UK that use terrorism as an excuse to anything? Haha, silly you! Welcome to Argentina. This anti-terrorism bill that is about to be passed in Congress says that anyone (business leaders) responsible for creating panic in the banking or financial sectors can be arrested for being considered a terrorist. Don’t worry though, the bill also says that al-Qaeda is bad, so I guess it evens it out.

Union boss Hugo Moyano (probably the most powerful man in the country) has had it with the President. Because how dare she refuse to do what he says! (No, really) So he staged a rally before 80,000 people yesterday to warn that he was not going to back down from his claims and assured that “the only Peronist government that ever existed was that of Juan Perón.” I know you probably have no idea what I’m talking about, but A) It’s your fault. You should read more about local history, and B) Trust me, it’s not good. This is a guy all governments have to be friends with unless they want massive strikes and nationwide revolts. You know, like in any democracy.

Great news everyone! The Lower House has passed the controversial Newprint Bill and has now sent it to a Senate committee, which will evaluate it whether it should be sent to the Senate floor for debate. If passed, it will grant the Government with almost absolute control over newsprint production. Many are saying that this may actually affect freedom of speech, since the Government will have the power to decide if a newspaper is “worthy” of being a client, but it’s mostly a slap in the face to giant newspapers Clarin and La Nacion (both anti-Kirchnerite), which until now hold a majority of shares in Papel Prensa, a newsprint company that currently owns a 75% of the market. At least it’s a good move for the President who I feel is in desperate need of a successful move after the Blackberry, 3-D screens and “books made-in-Argentina” fiascos. We all know that people still buy newspapers and - OH, COME ON!!!

Uruguay may be a small country that you only care about because of Colonia and Punta del Este even though you initially thought those places were in Argentina, but that doesn’t mean you can mess with the little guy! This week Uruguayan president José Mujica announced that no more British ships headed to the Malvinas/Falklands would be allowed to dock in the country unless they had a special permit. So now the Brits and the Uruguayan opposition are up in arms because of this. And guess what? Me too. I’m sick of this. Come on Brits, just give them back. Please? Agh.

In case all the holidays we’ve had this year were not enough, the
Juan Perón, the only true democratic president in the history of the universe. He also liked the Nazis. (Photo/Wikipedia)

Government has announced FOUR MORE FUCKING HOLIDAYS. That’s right, FOUR! December 23rd., 26th., and 30th. as well as January 2nd. are now holidays for the public and banking sector. So two more long weekends! Too bad the stupid, alienating private sector said “Nein!” to joining the move. Those capitalist pigs…

People continue to be gay for Néstor Kirchner, Part 2: Marathon man runs while holding pro-Kirchner placard.

Woman meets older guy. Woman dates older guy. Older guy eventually rapes woman. Woman presses charges against older guy. Police arrest older guy. Older guy is sent to jail. Woman has a change of heart, decides to forgive older guy. Woman begs judge to drop charges against older guy. Court rules in favor. Older guy is released. Woman marries older guy. A week later, older guy murders woman by stabbing her 15 times in the chest and beheading her in front of her 3-year old son. Court goes “Oh-oh.”

Apple’s iTunes service finally launched in Latin America. Guess what: no one gives a shit. Eight years too late man! While you were losing time figuring stuff out, people here were getting impatient and in the end didn’t feel like waiting anymore so they chose piracy. Not that I’m condoning it or anything. “Don’t sue me”, is what I’m trying to say here.

You know how in those hot summer days you go into the subte on rush hour and you get to ride like cattle and there’s no oxygen and you lift your head above the crowd in order to grasp for air and some tall guy ruins it for you because he’s breathing down on your face while some big sweaty guy’s armpit is next to your nose and you’re like “Geez…this place is on fire!” Yeah, well, this time it was. Literally!

Remember how a few weeks ago I told you that if you hop on a bus and for some reason the SUBE-card reader is not working you get to ride for free? Well that’s what this poor 50-year old man tried to do, only that the bus driver decided that instead of letting him ride for free, he deserved to be beaten up. So he called a couple of his driver buddies and kicked his ass because he refused to get off the bus. Let it serve as a cautionary tale to you kids. Never, ever, ever trust anything I say.

Even though it was Tuesday the 13ththis week (the Latin version of
Jason Voorhees. Not a big deal after all. (Photo/Wikipedia)

Friday the 13th.) it still was a bad week for Jason Voorhees. A mall in Rosario was celebrating the grand opening of some scary ride for children, so a few people were hired to scare a few children to death. They showed up in some lame Freddy Krueger and Jason costumes, and since their outfits were more lame than scary, the guy dressed up as Jason had the brilliant idea of bringing a real chainsaw into the mall (as in “a REAL fucking chainsaw”) to play with the kids. So as you can imagine, some parents were not happy to see some idiot chasing their 5-year olds with a real chainsaw and they decided to beat them up. I will pay a million dollars* for anyone getting any kind of video footage from the incident.

Also, he totally deserved to have his ass kicked. Everyone knows Jason Voorhees uses a machete to murder his victims. Leatherface, from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, is the one with the chainsaw. Amateurs.

This week, in the sour-smelling pigsty that is the house of Big Brother: a girl is taught by the rest how to use her mouth to put a condom on a banana. See? And people say this show doesn’t teach children anything. Too bad even children find this crap painfully boring.

Remember last season’s craptastic “Soñando por Bailar“? That hilariously terrifying reality show that featured contestants/dancers who looked to win a chance to star in the local version of Dancing With The Stars? Well, it’s back! And it’s worse than ever this year. This time they picked some random chubby kid no one ever heard of, and decided it would be fun to have everyone pick on him for no reason. So get ready to see a lot of his crying and fighting. Fifteen minutes of fame, fifteen years of psychiatric help.

Did you watch the “fighting” video? Seriously, if this is all staged, if this chubby kid is actually an actor and the whole thing is scripted, man is he bad.

Aaaaaaaand the spiraling-down begins: former football deity and future infidel Diego Armando Maradona has been suspended as the coach of the Al Wasl team in Dubai after he got in a fight with a colleague from another team. He won’t be able to coach for the next three games. God, I can’t wait for him to get a tattoo with the face of the Prophet Mohammed so a fatwa is finally issued on his ass and he’s ~~beheaded in Dubai’s town square~~ deported.

Have a great weekend everyone!