Preface: in order to make today’s roundup a more sensorial, enjoyable experience, I recommend you use this song as soundtrack. Or this one. Whatever.

It’s springtime again!

And if you thought the season of love and sunshine was going to usher in a new era of collective empathy and intellectual enlightenment, then you are FUCKING WRONG.

Yes, it’s warmer outside. Yes, condom companies have been fast to plaster the city with “funny” ads encouraging the younger generations to have sex. Oh, and to use condoms while they are at it.

But no matter how much love is in the air, Buenos Aires is after all the City of Fury, as genius Gustavo Cerati once sang in his classic ode to this concrete jungle, La Ciudad de la Furia.

I know. You can’t listen to this song while listening to one of the songs I recommended at the beginning. Well, figure it out yourself. I’m not your nanny.

Anyway, people are nervous man, they are nervous.

As the pressure continues to build between two factions who, despite my friendly warnings, keep hating each other, everyone is on edge.

Maybe it’s just a sign of the impending apocalypse coming soon to a city near you, when on December 21st, 2012 the four Mayan horsemen of the apocalypse release the kraken on us and nations collapse under the terrible weight of a bunch of Twilight fans angry at the world because Robert Pattinson is an idiot.

Whatever the case may be, the air is charged with negativity and it is clearly affecting us citizens. It’s like in Ghostbusters 2 when that pink goo that only reacted to negative thoughts made everyone fight each other, remember?

No? Really? I’m sure you remember the part when the Statue of Liberty comes to life, which is, like, a minor detail in the plot, and yet you don’t remember the goo?

Ugh, you suck. Like us on Facebookand then go to your room.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  A typical afternoon in the park in Buenos Aires. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Cacerolazo aftermath: Yes, the people spoke last week. But the Government didn’t listen. In fact, many in the Fernandez de Kirchner administration seemed to double down on their stance and directly insulted most of the protesters by calling them “violent, racist, rich angry people, coup-mongers, people who care more about Miami than Argentina,” and even dared to accuse them of supporting former dictator and current monster Jorge Rafael Videla when he took office via a coup d’état in 1976. Smart move Government! This reaction has of course galvanized the angry mobs even more, who have already began coordinating on Facebook to organize a second, larger cacerolazo. So let’s take a look at the most prominent reactions by the Kirchnerite-friendly folks.

• Cabinet Chief Juan Manuel Abal Medina said the protesters were more concerned about what happens in Miami than in Argentina.

• Just like Abal Medina, Kirchnerite Florencio Varela mayor Julio Pereyra also condemned the cacerolazos because these are just rich people who care about themselves. Then he and his family hopped on a plane to Miami for some very much-deserved vacations. No, really.

• And he didn’t fly coach.

• Oh, but it’s OK, don’t judge. It was because he had promised his son he would take him to Disney World. See? So wrong of you to judge. He’s right you don’t want to pull a North Korea and have to deal with the corporate rage of Walt Disney.

• And finally, former human rights hero and current parody of herself Hebe de Bonafini said all those who banged their pots that night also supported a coup back in 1976 that left 30,000 people dead. Yes, even those who were born after 1990.

• Oh, and don’t think that those banging their pots were all level-headed citizens clamoring for a comprehensive change in Government policy either. As usual, there were those calling President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner a Nazi, those who say Argentina is turning into Cuba or Venezuela, and even those who cheerfully chanted, telling Cristina to “join her (dead) husband.”

• It’s September 21st, which besides being “Spring Day”, in Argentina students also celebrate “Student’s Day“. In Buenos Aires, celebrations consist of going to the Palermo parks, getting completely drunk and beating the shit out of each other. Ah, to be young again.

• Remember when the Indec said that you could eat well for $6 a day and everyone went apeshit and started trashing the entire city because everyone knows that a cheeseburger in Mc Donald’s is like a trillion pesos? No, you don’t because according to Indec they never said that. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• You know how the media won’t stop talking about how dangerous Buenos Aires is becoming? A robbery here, a murder there? No, you don’t know because according to Security Minister Nilda Garré “there has been no increase in crime” in the City. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• Meanwhile, somewhere abroad: the International Monetary Fund (also known as the Evil Brotherhood of Doom) decided it has had enough of Argentina’s tomfoolery and unreliable statistics, and gave the country until December 17th to put its affairs in order. If we fail to do so… get ready kids! Because Argentina could become the first country ever to be censored by the centuries-old brotherhood. I have no idea what that means but it certainly can’t be good. I mean, have you ever seen the censored version of a “Girls Gone Wild” videos? They suck.

• This week, in our regular segment “Mother Nature is going to violently kill us all“: a terrible storm hit Uruguay, Paraguay and the Misiones province, and to a lesser extent the City and Greater Buenos Aires areas. Things in Uruguay got so bad that this is how people had to cross the streets in downtown Montevideo. Even Uruguayan president José Mujica, a natural-born altruist, was a victim of the strong winds after he got bitch-slapped in the face while he was trying to help a neighbor in need.

• You know how sometimes you hop on a bus and when you scan your SUBE card it turns out you don’t have enough money for the fare? The rational, civilized response to that predicament is to either make this face to the driver, or to suffer the embarrassment of having to step out of the bus while all the passengers boo you for wasting a couple of their precious seconds. Of course there’s now a third option, which consists of violently beating the shit out of the bus driver until he passes out and the bus drives into building, hurting 30 people in the process. And yes, that happened.

• Sooooo… I really don’t want this column to be a total downer when it
  

  Uruguay’s president badass. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  comes to the local public transportation system (even though it already totally is) but if you browse through the City’s 2013 Budget (I know you won’t), you will discover that the Subte system is nowhere to be found, which means that the buck stops here and there are no more subsidies for the Subway next year. What’s that? You don’t know why you should care about this? Because a single Subte ride will go up to $3.90 if the system is not subsidized, that’s why. Feeling miserable yet?

• Of course there’s also the worst case scenario.

• Great news, kids! The Evita bills have finally hit the streets! And what’s great about them is that $100 are not worth shit anymore, so you can totally keep them as a souvenir for when you decide to go back to whatever country you came from because your financial situation in this country has become unbearable.

• A long time ago, gang fights were resolved in a pretty gay manner, which was awesome because differences were resolved through interpretive dancing and no one got hurt. Maybe emotionally, but that’s it. But this new wave of violence has turned us all into bitter beings, no matter how much the networks try to shove Glee down our throats, and gangs have chosen a new venue to resolve their problems: a hospital’s emergency room. At least 25 people were involved in a violent gang fight in a hospital in Moreno which not only terrified the patients and staff but also ended with seven people injured and one gang member dead. So basically it was just like that scene in West Side Story, only less gay. Oh, yeah and with a dead guy after it was over.

• Here’s a good one: Guy riding motorcycle gets violently hit by van in Retiro. Guy just lies there on the asphalt, conscious but badly injured. Reporter shows up out of nowhere, starts shoving microphone on guy’s mouth, asks him Pulitzer-winning question: “How are you doing?”. Ambulance pulls up, stops next to guy. Reporter tells ambulance driver to hurry and help guy. Driver responds he’s just stopping at the red light, he’s got no time to help the guy because “he’s got another patient in the back.” Ambulance leaves. Guy continues to lie there while hungry feral dog starts circling guy. Segment continues live for five more minutes, ambulance never shows up. Segment ends. No one knows whether guy survived or was eaten by rabid dog. What’s that? You are hoping there’s video evidence of all this? Congrats, it’s your lucky day.

Today, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is travelling to Brazil for tomorrow’s extraordinary Mercosur summit where the regional economic bloc will formalise Venezuela’s admission.

Venezuela’s admission to the group was approved on 29th June, when Mercosur met in Mendoza. At that same meeting, Paraguay was suspended from the organisation, on grounds that the removal of former President Lugo violated the bloc’s democratic clause, the so-called Ushuaia Protocol.

The process of Venezuela’s admission to Mercosur began over six years ago, when the country signed an Adhesion Protocol on 4th July 2006. Paraguay’s suspension paved the way for Venezuela’s entrance into the organisation, as Paraguay was the only nation that had not yet ratified the country’s admission.

Tomorrow’s meeting will be held in Brasilia, and President Fernández will be joined by her Brazilian and Uruguayan counterparts Dilma Rouseff and José Mujica. Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez will also be in attendance.

In advance of tomorrow’s summit, ministers from all four countries are meeting to discuss the technical procedures and timetable for Venezuela’s incorporation. For example, the bloc will have to decide on a deadline for the new member to apply the Common Foreign Tarriff (AEC), which is a common tariff that all Mercosur members must apply to external countries. Venezuela also has the right to construct a list of products that it requests be exempted from the AEC.

A special task force will also be launched to supervise Venezuela’s trade liberalisation, another step required for the country’s incorporation.

The addition of Venezuela will be the first change in the composition of Mercosur’s membership since the union was formed with its initial four members over 20 years ago on 26th March 1991. With the addition of Venezuela, the Mercosur bloc will now incorporate nearly three quarters of the Gross Domestic Product (GDP) of South America.

Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez has declared himself to be free of cancer and affirmed that his physical condition will not impinge on the presidential campaign. The announcement came during the leader´s first press conference as a presidential candidate.

Chávez, who has been in power for more than ten years, has undergone three operations since last summer and only concluded radiotherapy five weeks ago.

Although the Venezuelan leader maintains that he feels better everyday, expectations have been slightly overshadowed by his history with the illness. The president gave the same triumphant statement in October of last year after removing a malignant tumor in his pelvic area— only to see the cancer reappear a few months later. As such, the news was quickly disseminated by the international press, but only appeared later on in local reports.

The health of government officials is treated as a state secret and speculation abounds. While Chávez declared himself to be in complete remission, no details were given as to the exact state of his health.

Chávez will face his opponent, Henrique Capriles, in presidential elections on 7th October.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez might have cancer, but he has not yet lost his proverbial sense of humor.

Speaking on national television yesterday, he fired another joke to the opposition, saying that it will come back to govern the country the day the famous fictional character Tarzan appears in Caracas main square along with his ape mate.

“The real one. No one shall dress up,” he added.

In recent days, Chávez has made his voice heard more often than during his convalescence days in Cuba. He had various telephone conversations with state television programs. As soon as rumors about his severe health conditions mounted, he surprised everyone once again by appearing on state television.

Chávez added that the country is lacking a “serious opposition.”

“They’re comedians. They are trying to disguise themselves, but they will not be able to do it,” said the president. “They’ll never get back, write it down,” he insisted.

The Venezuelan leader was operated on for the first time in June 2011. A few days later, he publicly announced his illness on national television, from Cuba.

However, since then, very little is known about its true condition. No-one else except the Bolivarian leader is authorised to give away details about his illness, despite a few leaks that have people fearing for the worst.

Despite his health conditions, the president announced that he would run in the next elections scheduled for 7^th October.

He said his political project is “people-oriented, not oriented towards capitalism nor transnational capitalism.”

The Venezuelan opposition party Un Nuevo Tiempo (UNT), claims that current president Hugo Chávez is already considering replacing himself with another candidate for the presidential elections of October 7. Chávez, in turn, lashed out today over speculation surrounding his candidacy.

Deputy Alfonso Marquina of the UNT asserts that the Chávez administration commissioned surveys to gauge the popularity of other possible candidates. Marquina spoke out at a news conference “We recommend the Government to speak clearly to the country about the health of the president and the nomination of the ruling. This is information we are entitled to.”

Marquina said that the telephone survey, paid for by the government, between 14 and 15 May, asked respondents, which candidate they would support other than Chávez. “Why, if the President is in strong recovery, is the Government is considering a replacement candidate?”

According to the opposition, the survey assessed the projection of the president’s eldest daughter, Rosa Virginia, as well as Vice President Elias Jaua, Foreign Minister Nicolas Maduro, and the president of the National Assembly, Diosdado Cabello.

Today Chávez attacked the “owners” of the Caracas daily Ultimas Noticias Cadena Capriles group, who, in his opinion, provoked “uncertainty” about his candidacy.

In his first public appearance after returning from Cuba nearly two weeks ago, Chávez spoke out against the paper during a Council of Ministers. One headline in question reads, “Chávez does not know when to enroll.”

According to the Venezuelan president, the title provoked “uncertainty” and “manipulation.”

Chávez said he had not yet decided the exact date to register his candidacy for the presidential elections on October 7.

After spending 12 days in Cuba receiving another round of cancer treatments, Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez returned to Caracas today.

The president landed in Caracas at dawn local time, but rather than making a customary address through the media, merely announced that he had spent his return flight from Havana with Foreign Minister Nicolas Maduro discussing labour law.

Chávez hinted from Havana on Monday that he would be back today, but that he would be returning to Havana again for a fifth and final round of treatment in the near future.

Chávez received his first treatment in June of last year, when a tumour was removed, however details of the president’s illness have not been fully disclosed over the past year. Ahead of October’s presidential elections, the lack of information has at times prompted concern among citizens as to the status of Chávez’s health and his ability to govern in the future.

Speaking on national television yesterday, Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez once again dismissed rumours of poor health.

The audio of his voice via phone was broadcast throughout Venezuela. Pictures of him playing baseball and walking around were released yesterday on Twitter by Communication and Information Minister Andrés Izarra.

“These are harsh treatments and one must rise to them with will, strength, faith and lots of rest,” Chávez said in the broadcast.

The messages from the president come after Venezuelan journalist Nelson Bocaranda wrote on the subject this weekend. The reporter also Tweeted that he heard Saturday was Chávez’s hardest day since he was first diagnosed in June 2011, because he now knows “the full truth of his cancer.”

During the past few weeks, Chávez has been missing from the media scene in Venezuela, prompting rumours over social media about his poor health or even death.

Two weeks ago, Bocaranda wrote on his blog that Chávez’s cancer was far more serious than the president was letting on, noting that it had moved to the liver, with “possible extensions to the pancreas, kidney, pelvic cavity and lower muscles.”

Concern over Hugo Chávez’s latest session of cancer treatment in Cuba has arisen after a distinct silence from the usually vocal president.

With his only communication coming from his Twitter page, discussion of Chávez’s health has been rife on social networking sites over the weekend. In previous sessions in Cuba, Chávez had periodically appeared on television, suggesting that he was still working despite his absence.

Many Venezuelans believe the president’s silence may be an indication of poor health or even death, or a particularly difficult stage in his cancer treatment, which Chávez himself had predicted.

The silence comes despite governmental promises that Venezuelans would be kept up to date with the president’s health. The specific nature of the cancer, as well as the location of the tumour has so far been kept secret, fuelling the rumours surrounding the president’s health.

However, ministers of the Socialist Party have denied the false rumours. The president of the National Assembly, Diosdado Cabello has stressed that Chávez is making a full recovery.

Speaking from his Twitter page, Cabello added: “People have been saying for days that the president is dead, here – the only thing that is dead is the opposition.”

Since the 24^th March, Chávez has been undergoing the final stage of his cancer treatment in Cuba, a month after an operation on a tumour in the pelvic area.

In the wake of president Cristina Fernández de Kirchner’s announcement on Monday to expropriate oil giant YPF from Spain-controlled Repsol, officials from Latin American neighbouring countries have been divided over the landmark decision.

Several heads of state lauded Argentina for following in the lead of predecessors such as Russia, Venezuela and Ecuador, in its return to national sovereignty.

In a statement from Venezuela’s foreign ministry, reported by Página 12, president Hugo Chávez announced that he “welcomes and supports the decision announced by the government of Cristina Fernandez to nationalise Argentina’s main oil company,” and that “Venezuela highlights the validity of the doctrine of sovereign management of natural resources.”

Heads of state in Brazil and Uruguay offered similar sentiments.

Mexico, has landed on a decidedly harder line, empathising with Spain’s fury over the matter.

“Nobody in their right mind invests in countries that expropriate companies,” said president Felipe Calderón on Monday at the World Economic Forum. “I consider it very regrettable that the Argentine government, our friend Cristina Fernandez, has taken a decision that is in nobody’s interest.”

Bolivia, however, attempted to stay out of the conflict between Argentina and Spain. Depsite Bolivia’s own renationalisation in 2006, president Evo Morales appeared to be concerned about economic ties with the Spanish company.

“The YPF-Repsol issue is between Argentina and Spain, of Repsol as a company and Argentina,” he said during a press conference, reported by Merco Press. “It won’t cause any problem for us because we have a relation of great trust with Repsol.”

The announcement has divided officials in Argentina as per party line. Political movements such as Proyecto Sur, which have been campaigning for the move for years, are predictably scheduled to vote in favor of the power shift.

As reported by Página 12, despite kickback from opposing parties, kirchnerismo officials feel confident the vote will be passed. The ruling party said they have 33 “safe” votes in the Senate, out of the required 37-vote majority, despite resistance from UCR and Coalición Cívica.

Congress has already set the parliamentary debate in motion, and expect to have the measure approved by 3 May.

Venezuelan journalist Nelson Bocaranda wrote in his blog today that Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez’s cancer is serious, as it is spreading to the liver and his radiation therapy has given him third-degree burns.

Bocaranda wrote that the cancer had moved to the liver, with “possible extensions to the pancreas, kidney, pelvic cavity and lower muscles.”

For his part, on his return to Caracas after a new round of cancer treatments in Cuba, the president said yesterday, “I am well – very well.”

“Coming from Havana, to meet with another round of radiation treatment, there we went forward into battle [against the cancer], moving with great faith, recovering and in recuperation,” he said during a national television and radio broadcast.

Chávez has been fighting cancer for more than a year. He has had multiple operations, claiming he was cured as well. Recently, there have been rumours swirling that the cancer is “diffused throughout the body.”