It’s Friday again!

And I’m away for the weekend but as rumors of a possible coup continue to spread like gasoline, here I am writing this for you in order to bring you peace of mind.

God, I hate you.

Like us on Facebook and forgive any possible typos. I wrote this while riding a tour bus.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  This frigate, ironically named "Libertad," has been impounded by the Ghanaian government. I know, right? I honestly thought it was "Ghanan," but no, it’s totally "Ghanaian." (Photo/Wikipedia)

  It’s a coup! It’s not a coup! It’s a coup, maybe! In case you haven’t been paying attention to the most important news of the week (shame on you), two branches of the armed forces are up in arms against the National Government and trust me, it ain’t pretty. The whole thing started on Tuesday when members of the Coast Guard (in Spanish, Prefectura Naval) decided to start protesting against the recent signing of a presidential decree that pretty much cut their salaries in half. The sight of men in military uniform standing up against the President is obviously not a pretty one, specially since it brings back memories from a past no one here wants to revisit (for all you low-information readers, I’m talking about this), but as usual, both sides of the political spectrum have been using the conflict to try and score a few political points:

• Pro-Government factions: “It’s a coup! Oh, my God, the armed forces are rising against our hard-earned democracy and are trying to topple our dear leaders!”

• Anti-Government factions: “It’s a legitimate protest by hard workers who are being exploited by the National Government.”

• The truth? Their protest is legitimate, their methodology is not. The leader of the Grandmothers of the Plaza de Mayo organization, known for her brave work during and after the last military dictatorship, offered a press conference to “bring peace of mind” to the population. Mayor Mauricio Macri did the same and urged the protesters to go home to their families, although he said “he understood their reasons to be angry since they have been mistreated by the National Government for the last ten years” (or “vote for me next time,” wink wink). The uniformed protesters have stated repeatedly that they are 100% behind democracy and that this is not a coup, they just want to be paid accordingly. But considering that several recent pseudo-coups in Latin America (this and this) began in a similar way it wouldn’t hurt to be cautious. As of today, and even though the Government has offered a solution to their demands, the protesters have said their fight would continue during the weekend until they get what they want in writing and signed.

• Sorry for the depressing, unfunny, reductionist viewpoint I just offered. I wanted you to understand. I promise the next bullet points are as stupid as usual.

• In the meantime, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was in Lima, Perú, attending the South American – Arab summit, expressing her support for the recognition of a Palestinian state and addressing the Malvinas/Falklands issue. However, the most relevant piece of information to come out of that summit was that Cristina didn’t know that alfajores were in fact an Arabic delicacy. No, I’m serious. You think I cover shitty news? Think again, the mainstream media does the same: check it here, here, here, here and here.

• Also, the president of Lebanon visited Argentina this week but no one cared.

• Youth in revolt! High-school students continue their crusade against the City Government and its plans for a syllabus reform that would reduce hours of art and lab classes in order to focus on more core subjects such as math and Spanish language. In the last three weeks, students have taken over more than 40 schools and marched to the City Education ministry in protest and now a judge has ordered Education Minister Esteban Bullrich to meet with them so they can solve the conflict. In the meantime, it’s like spring break out there. If you walk by a school that’s been taken over, join them for a mate and stay for the protests. It could get fun.

• [UPDATE] Bullrich has said he will suspend the syllabus reform if students agree to end the takeovers. Which is a bummer because you could have had fun with them.

It’s Friday again!

And it’s been non-stop this week.

I’m not gonna lie to you kids, everyone’s favorite Shakespearean character and local badass President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner figures largely in today’s column.

And the reason for that was the “CFK spanks the USA” Tour 2012 (I came up with that awesome and original name so don’t steal it), which involved our beloved leader visiting three cities that together form a trifecta of erudite squares. And I mean that in a good way. These are scholars you don’t fuck around with.

You try and have a discussion about anything with a Bostonian and you’ll be lucky to end up crying in a corner.

But worry not, because while the President was away schooling the rest of the world on molecular biology and the season finale of Dancing With The Stars, things were pretty hilarious on this side of the hemisphere as well.

So like us on Facebook and then get ready for non-stop facepalms, cringing conversations, poorly photoshopped pictures and lots, lots of fremdschämen. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This is what you need to know:

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  This week, Argentines take New York by storm. Hilarity ensues. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  It’s that time of the year again. September arrives and with it spring makes a short-lasting appeareance, like a teaser trailer of coming events, and then the cold fronts return to make our lives miserable. Meanwhile, in New York, many get ready for the most important event of the year. A glamorous happening that unites people from all over the world, getting together in order to witness how a small group of select, cosmopolitan chosen ones deal with intrinsic social issues and scheme in order to achieve their ultimate goals. That’s right, I’m talking about the season premiere of Gossip Girl. Oh and the UN General Assembly also takes place, although people are less into that because it involves all the presidents of the world getting together under one roof to discuss politics, which is boring. Except for suicide bombers. I’m sure it’s like a wet dream for them.

• Although if you think about it, a politics edition of Gossip Girl could be television gold. “Spotted: CFK and Hilz sipping some lattes and shopping for some Vuitton on Fifth.” Look, I even have the poster for it and everything! *sigh* I should have been in advertising.

• No, yeah. Back to business. Sorry, I’m very disperse today.

• The week began with IMF head Christine Lagarde warning that if Argentina fails to put its affairs (inflation) in order, the organization will have no choice “but to show it the red card.” A football reference? Sorry then. I don’t know what that means.

• Anyway, as expected, Cristina flew to New York to attend the UN General Assembly and provide us mortals with the infinite pleasure of being lectured and reprimanded by her. Because Cristina knows best, and that’s just the way it is. Even if she doesn’t. And since I know many of you just don’t really care about all this and feel tempted to skip the politics part, I’m willing to offer you her statements in short form and long form so you can choose. OK? OK.

• First, this is her entire speech before the UN, which you will positively not watch.

• And yes, of course it’s in Spanish! What did you think I was gonna dub it? I have a life, sorry.

• TO THE IMF (long form): She condemned the IMF’s “red card” statement and said “this is a grave economic crisis, not a football match. My country is not a football team and will not be subjected to any threats. And if you compare football to the economy, let me say the head of the FIFA has had a better performance than that of the head of the IMF.” BOOM! Burn.

• TO THE IMF (short form): Fuck you.

• TO THE UK (long form): “This is a global issue. We don’t want you to say we’re right on the Malvinas/Falklands issue. We just want you to sit down with us and talk.“

• TO THE UK (short form): Fuck you but please pay attention to us.

• And the Malvinas/Falklands government tweeted back: Fuck you too.

• ON GLOBAL ECONOMIC CRISIS (long form): “My biggest fear is that if we can’t solve it, millions of people in our western world may stop believing that a democratic system can do it. If you look at the worst kind of totalitarian governments in history, they were all preceded by serious economic crises.” Yup. True.

• ON GLOBAL ECONOMIC CRISIS (short form): Either we solve it or Hitler returns and we’re all fucked.

• TO IRAN (long form): “We always complain about the UK’s refusal to talk. Now Iran says they want to talk. So we have decided to have a meeting with them. I expect concrete results and their cooperation in the investigation to find whoever was behind the ’92 and ’94 terrorist attacks.”

• TO IRAN (short form): Let’s talk but don’t fuck with us.

• Those were the most important parts of her speech. Congrats, you made it through.

• You think it’s over? Ha! We’re just getting started.

• In the meantime, not all was well in the land of liberty and over-consumption. As Cristina lectured the world on foreign policy, a storm was brewing a few blocks away from the UN headquarters. Outside her Hotel in Columbus Circle, a few hundred Argentines had convened, pot in hand (not, not that kind of pot), to protest the presence of the President there, even though she apparently wasn’t there. But look, there’s the Statue of Liberty, holding a frying pan!

• Now, I know that I’m gonna be called “a repugnant ultra-k” by the most visceral opponents to this Government, but don’t you think it’s a little contradictory to be chanting “Argentina! Argentina!”… from New York?! I don’t oppose any form of protests, but come on people, admit it. You need a PR firm to run your demonstrations.

• This actually made me laugh though.

• After her awesome dissertation, Cristina flew to Washington DC, where she would be faced with incisive questions by curious Georgetown University students who probably didn’t know who Cristina was until the night before and were just trying to impress their teachers.

• Relax, Georgetown. I’m kidding.

• Anyway, Cristina attended a ceremony in Georgetown and talked to students who anxiously awaited to exercise their power to do something most journalists in Argentina can’t: ask her questions she doesn’t like answering. Here is her speech, which is somewhat similar to the one she gave at the UN. And no, it’s not in English either. Figure it out yourself.

• And this is probably the part (the juicy part) you’re interested in: the questions she faced. There were some funny moments, she said that she always talks to journalists (which the Press Corps at the Government House quickly refuted in a press statement), they asked her about the alleged “6 pesos a day” scandal and the relationship with Venezuela and Paraguay. Everyone giggled, laughed, shared jokes and by the time it was over, everyone was satisfied. Yay, Georgetown!

• Oh yeah, and the Justice Ministry has pressed charges against “some bloggers” who created this. The Ministry considers it “incites violence” and it calls for the murder of a government official.

• Horror! Credit rating agency Moody’s, which for some reason is still in business after the 2008 fiasco, has decided to go “negative” on 30 Argentine banks. Now I know why they call it “moody’s”. Haha.

• Oh, shut up! Like you would have come up with something better. You know how hard it is to be writing this today? There’s so much stuff going on I feel like I have no material left. I got nothing.

• Regarding the “$6 a day” fiasco, turns out it was all just a huge miscommunication! Because the INDEC now says that you actually need 13 pesos a day “not to be poor.“

• What. That’s it. That’s the joke.

• Horror! Part Deux: Evidence of this Government’s tyrannical practices continues to pile on as everyone’s favorite yet non-affordable luxury brand Louis Vuitton became the government’s latest (fashion?) victim and decided to leave the country for ever. Or until Cristina goes away, whichever comes first. Which is kind of a heresy because we all know it’s Cristina’s favorite brand as well. However, it is not such an uninvited curse that is horrifying many, but actually the fact that a cosmopolitan and fashion-conscious newspaper such as La Nación ran the story on its front page by calling it “Luis” Vuitton.

• Let’s say you lead a criminal lifestyle. Let’s say you and your two friends
  

  After last night, Harvard University is now synonymous with dumb. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  decide to rob a lottery agent. Let’s say you enter the agency, stand in line and pretender to be a customer. Let’s say you pick pick three random numbers while the cashier enters the information, and as she gives you your receipt you reveal your true intentions, pull out a gun and demand all the cash available. Let’s say you get $400 pesos and escape. Let’s say you and your friends are so stupid that you get caught immediately and thrown in jail. Let’s say that God has a sick sense of humor and on top of that, on that same day the numbers you picked are the winning numbers and there’s a $900 prize you’ll never get to cash because you’re in jail. Let’s say this actually happened.

• You know those nights when you decide to engage in a little binge drinking with the guys but no one wants to be designated driver and you take the car anyway because, whatever right? OK, sure. I know chances are you don’t own a car in this country, but you probably had one back in whatever place you lived before getting exiled here, so humor me. Like I was saying, you go out with the boys and drink 300 bottles of Quilmes and then go back home all tipsy and inebriated and stuff because getting home fast trumps risking your life and that of others. And then… OMG you ram your car into another vehicle and all hell breaks loose. The police shows up, obviously to try and prove you’re drunk so they can get all your money. What do you do, hot shot? Huh? Well, this brave young man decided that he was gonna fight the system and in order to cover any traces of alcohol in his body he decided to drink a bottle of brake fluid. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures, man! And now he’s dead.

• OK, he’s not dead. But I know there’s some cautionary tale somewhere in there about drinking and driving. Give me a couple of weeks, I’ll find a better narrative.

• Remember a few months ago when Cristina gave a press conference to announce the new state-of-the-art technology that would allow football clubs to identify dangerous hooligans and throw them in the rancor pit forever? Remember how it failed miserably and couldn’t read Cristina’s fingerprint? Well it appears that despite that technical “glitch” the devices were installed anyway because, you know… we already paid for them, so fuck it. But, alas! The effectiveness of stadium security is once again being questioned after Boca Juniors hooligan number 2, some Maxi Mazzaro guy, managed to fool the machines by wearing a wig and sunglasses and even took some awesome photos inside the stadium. OF COURSE! HOW COULD WE NOT THINK OF THIS!? We’ve been beaten by the plot of a 1930′s Saturday morning cartoon. We’re doomed.

• Oh, no he didn’t! But yes, he totally did. Non-threatening tennis superstar Roger Federer decided to betray his loyal Argentine followers and stab them in the heart by taking this appalling and insulting photograph in which is seen happily, proudly (even mockingly!) wearing the enemy uniform (i.e. the Brazilian football team’s uniform). No one is really sure what this means but everyone totally knows what this means: a definite affront to the Argentine people, who are expected to go see him in December when he comes to play against former national hero and currently disgraced Juan Martín del Potro. It’s will be interesting to see which of the two players is booed the most. My money is on Del Potro.

Preface: in order to make today’s roundup a more sensorial, enjoyable experience, I recommend you use this song as soundtrack. Or this one. Whatever.

It’s springtime again!

And if you thought the season of love and sunshine was going to usher in a new era of collective empathy and intellectual enlightenment, then you are FUCKING WRONG.

Yes, it’s warmer outside. Yes, condom companies have been fast to plaster the city with “funny” ads encouraging the younger generations to have sex. Oh, and to use condoms while they are at it.

But no matter how much love is in the air, Buenos Aires is after all the City of Fury, as genius Gustavo Cerati once sang in his classic ode to this concrete jungle, La Ciudad de la Furia.

I know. You can’t listen to this song while listening to one of the songs I recommended at the beginning. Well, figure it out yourself. I’m not your nanny.

Anyway, people are nervous man, they are nervous.

As the pressure continues to build between two factions who, despite my friendly warnings, keep hating each other, everyone is on edge.

Maybe it’s just a sign of the impending apocalypse coming soon to a city near you, when on December 21st, 2012 the four Mayan horsemen of the apocalypse release the kraken on us and nations collapse under the terrible weight of a bunch of Twilight fans angry at the world because Robert Pattinson is an idiot.

Whatever the case may be, the air is charged with negativity and it is clearly affecting us citizens. It’s like in Ghostbusters 2 when that pink goo that only reacted to negative thoughts made everyone fight each other, remember?

No? Really? I’m sure you remember the part when the Statue of Liberty comes to life, which is, like, a minor detail in the plot, and yet you don’t remember the goo?

Ugh, you suck. Like us on Facebook and then go to your room.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  A typical afternoon in the park in Buenos Aires. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Cacerolazo aftermath: Yes, the people spoke last week. But the Government didn’t listen. In fact, many in the Fernandez de Kirchner administration seemed to double down on their stance and directly insulted most of the protesters by calling them “violent, racist, rich angry people, coup-mongers, people who care more about Miami than Argentina,” and even dared to accuse them of supporting former dictator and current monster Jorge Rafael Videla when he took office via a coup d’état in 1976. Smart move Government! This reaction has of course galvanized the angry mobs even more, who have already began coordinating on Facebook to organize a second, larger cacerolazo. So let’s take a look at the most prominent reactions by the Kirchnerite-friendly folks.

• Cabinet Chief Juan Manuel Abal Medina said the protesters were more concerned about what happens in Miami than in Argentina.

• Just like Abal Medina, Kirchnerite Florencio Varela mayor Julio Pereyra also condemned the cacerolazos because these are just rich people who care about themselves. Then he and his family hopped on a plane to Miami for some very much-deserved vacations. No, really.

• And he didn’t fly coach.

• Oh, but it’s OK, don’t judge. It was because he had promised his son he would take him to Disney World. See? So wrong of you to judge. And he’s right, you don’t want to pull a North Korea and have to deal with the corporate rage of Walt Disney.

• And finally, former human rights hero and current parody of herself Hebe de Bonafini said all those who banged their pots that night also supported a coup back in 1976 that left 30,000 people dead. Yes, even those who were born after 1990. I’m not sure how, but they did man, they did.

• Oh, and don’t think that those banging their pots were all level-headed citizens clamoring for a comprehensive change in Government policy either. As usual, there were those calling President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner a Nazi, those who say Argentina is turning into Cuba or Venezuela, and even those who cheerfully chanted, telling Cristina to “go join her (dead) husband.”

• It’s September 21st, which besides being “Spring Day”, in Argentina students also celebrate “Student’s Day“. In Buenos Aires, celebrations consist of going to the Palermo parks, getting completely drunk and beating the shit out of each other. Ah, to be young again.

• Remember when the Indec said that you could eat well for $6 a day and everyone went apeshit and started trashing the entire city because everyone knows that a cheeseburger in Mc Donald’s costs like a trillion pesos? No, you don’t because according to Indec they never said that. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• You know how the media won’t stop talking about how dangerous Buenos Aires is becoming? A robbery here, a murder there? No, you don’t because according to Security Minister Nilda Garré “there has been no increase in crime” in the City. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• Meanwhile, somewhere abroad: the International Monetary Fund (also known as the Evil Brotherhood of Doom) decided it has had enough of Argentina’s tomfoolery and unreliable statistics, and gave the country until December 17th to put its affairs in order. If we fail to do so… get ready kids! Because Argentina could become the first country ever to be censored by the centuries-old brotherhood. I have no idea what that means but it certainly can’t be good. I mean, have you ever seen the censored version of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? They suck.

• This week, in our regular segment “Mother Nature is going to violently kill us all“: a terrible storm hit Uruguay, Paraguay and the Misiones province, and to a lesser extent the City and Greater Buenos Aires areas. Things in Uruguay got so bad that this is how people had to cross the streets in downtown Montevideo. Even Uruguayan president José Mujica, a natural-born altruist, was a victim of the strong winds after he got bitch-slapped in the face while he was trying to help a neighbor in need.

• You know how sometimes you hop on a bus and when you scan your SUBE card it turns out you don’t have enough money for the fare? The rational, civilized response to that predicament is to either make this face to the driver, or to suffer the embarrassment of having to step out of the bus while all the passengers boo you for wasting a couple of their precious seconds. Of course there’s now a third option, which consists of violently beating the shit out of the bus driver until he passes out and the bus drives into a building, hurting 30 people in the process. And yes, that happened.

• Sooooo… I really don’t want this column to be a total downer when it
  

  Uruguay’s president badass. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  comes to the local public transportation system (even though it already is) but if you browse through the City’s 2013 Budget (I know you won’t), you will discover that the Subte system is nowhere to be found, which means that the buck stops here and there are no more subsidies for the Subway next year. What’s that? You don’t know why you should care about this? Because a single Subte ride will go up to $3.90 if the system is not subsidized, that’s why. Feeling miserable yet?

• Of course there’s also the worst case scenario.

• Great news, kids! The Evita bills have finally hit the streets! And what’s great about them is that $100 are not worth shit anymore, so you can totally keep them as a souvenir for when you decide to go back to whatever country you came from because your financial situation in this country has become unbearable. Then you can show it to all your friends and amaze them with an awe-inspiring story of that time you got mugged in San Telmo or that time you got mugged in Palermo.

• A long time ago, gang fights were resolved in a pretty gay manner, which was awesome because differences were worked out through interpretive dancing and no one got hurt. Maybe emotionally, but that’s it. But this new wave of violence has turned us all into bitter beings, no matter how much the networks try to shove Glee down our throats, and gangs have chosen a new venue to resolve their problems: a hospital’s emergency room. At least 25 people were involved in a violent gang fight in a hospital in Moreno which not only terrified the patients and staff but also ended with seven people injured and one gang member dead. So basically it was just like that scene in West Side Story, only less gay. Oh, yeah and with a dead guy after it was over.

• [UPDATE] A few minutes after I published this roundup, this happened. It’s official: God hates me.

• Here’s a good one: Guy riding motorcycle gets violently hit by van in Retiro. Guy just lies there on the asphalt, conscious but badly injured. Reporter shows up out of nowhere, starts shoving microphone on guy’s mouth, asks him Pulitzer-winning question: “How are you doing?”. Ambulance pulls up, stops next to guy. Reporter tells ambulance driver to hurry and help guy. Driver responds he’s just stopping at the red light, he’s got no time to help the guy because “he’s got another patient in the back.” Ambulance leaves. Guy continues to lie there while hungry feral dog starts circling guy. Segment continues live for five more minutes, ambulance never shows up. Segment ends. No one knows whether guy survived or was eaten by rabid dog. What’s that? You are hoping there’s video evidence of all this? Congrats, it’s your lucky day.

It’s Friday again!

And as the cognitive dissonance in both sides of the political spectrum continues to split the Argentine society into two big antagonist magnets, here comes the Weekly News Roundup (click there and like our Facebook page, yes?) trying to maintain a level-headed opinion, a resort purposely designed to piss you off.

So, in order to escape the sad fate of becoming a cliche, I’m actually not going to take a position on what happened last night and will let you, my loyal scholars, choose one for me.

We all know confirmation bias is what makes you pick a newspaper over another. Knowing that you will agree with what the paper says beforehand grants you a false sense of momentaneous security. You need someone to tell you that your opinions are indeed accurate and it’s the others who are wrong.

Whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess.

So you know how I’m always saying this country is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book? I think it’s time we put that into practice:

• 

  Probably your hand. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  If you think President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is a hate-mongering “yegua” who deserves to be overthrown at all costs, proceed to the Anti-Government bullet point.

• If you think those repugnant Recoleta denizens are nothing but coup-mongers whose only concern is their inability to purchase US dollars and therefore deserve to die, proceed to the Pro-Government bulletpoint.

• Anti-Government rant: After years of unbearable oppressiveness and fearing the cold, metallic touch of Cristina’s iron fist, the destitute masses of Argentina finally made their voices heard and led a multitudinous, successful protest that spread all over the nation. People engaged in pot-banging activities (sounds like a junkie’s favorite sexual position but trust me, it’s not) to protest the current administration and course-correct the destiny of this country before it is too late (click here for the Indy’s awesome photo gallery on the story). TN was the only news network brave enough to show the ramifications of such an astounding social protest while over 100,000 people from all social strata took to the streets of Buenos Aires to oppose the Government’s plans to turn this country into Cuba or Venezuela. Yeah, that’s what happened. Now repeat after me: Zurdos! Vagos! Chorros! Use those insults on random people and evaluate their reaction. If you don’t end up in a coma, let me know what you learned.

• Pro-Government rant: Absolutely nothing happened last night. In fact, if you tuned in Canal 7 (state-owned channel) they were showing a documentary on birds (not a joke). But if something had actually happened, I’m sure it wouldn’t have mattered. It was just a bunch of dollar-hungry, rich, greedy, fascist, lame-excuse-of-a -human-being people trying to overthrow godsend President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and her humble cabinet and replace them all with Emperor George W. Bush and Viceroy Queen Elizabeth II. Yeah, that’s what happened. Now repeat after me: Fachos! Cipayos! Gorilas! Use those insults on random people and evaluate their reaction. If you don’t end up in a coma, let me know what you learned.

• Also, if the Middle Class is looking to prove that their protests are legitimate, and that this is not related to the restrictions on the dollar, but is in response to the existing non-existing-inflation, the rise of criminal activities and Cristina’s unapologetic bullying attitude towards anyone who dares to dissent with her, let me just say that this is not helping.

• Oh, and neither does this.

• In case you’re wondering, “gatear” is what a female escort does. You’re welcome.

• Your favorite source for quotable information – besides this column – finally published an article on the ridiculous urban myth saying that you only need six pesos a day in order to eat in this country. Now, don’t get the Government wrong: their studies say that even though you can eat for such a risible amount of money, it still means you’re very poor. Let’s think of what we can buy with six pesos: a cheeseburger in Mc Donald’s a can of tuna a super pancho a bottle of beer a salad a banana a bottle of water. Fuck it, I give up.

• Or you can move to the San Juan province, where in their little parallel universe that urban myth seems to be working just fine.

• At least the people in the cacerolazo protests get to make fun of it.

• The average hard-working man continues to be ostracized and vilified by the system, as now due to the severe government restrictions in the currency exchange market sector, PayPal Argentina has announced that it is disabling all transactions between domestic accounts. It seems locals, smart as they are, had found a way to bypass the restrictions and withdraw dollars in the US from their accounts in Argentina. And since this probably makes the AFIP tax agency sad, PayPal decided to react accordingly against the seven Argentines who actually know what PayPal is.

• Oh and don’t worry expats, foreign transactions are still active. So your parents can still transfer money into your local accounts. Stop whining.

• This one’s for you, girls: You know how your parents always warn you about checking your drinks when going out because of the rape drug? Well now you have something else to fear when drinking that tasty caipirinha. In the city of Santa Fe, a girl suffered severe internal burns after a bartender mistook dry Lye for sugar and put it in her drink. Smart move, bartender! “I’ll just leave this acid that looks like sugar right next to the actual sugar.” It’s like the Itchy & Scratchy show, only less original.

• Did you guys have fun last Sunday afternoon pretending that controlling your breathing for fifteen minutes in Palermo was somehow going to change your life for the better? Well I’m glad you did. But you know who didn’t have a good time though? Your very own (im)personal guru and messiah of meditation, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, who was questioned by the AFIP tax agency as he was trying to escape leave the country.

• Also, if the more than 100,000 people who spent last Sunday afternoon relaxing in the park are the same who four days later were foaming at the mouth because of the Government policies, then not to be a party pooper but whatever it is you did to relax didn’t actually work.

• Remember disgraced boxer Rodrigo “Hiena” Barrios, who in 2010 caused an accident while driving inebriated in
  

  You’ll never look at a caipirinha the same way again. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Mar del Plata and ended the life of a pregnant woman and her unborn child? It turns out that as he appeals his four-year sentence, a local court decided to give him back his driver’s license. I mean, come on, it’s not like the guy did it on purpose! He was drunk! You can’t blame him for that! Oh, but the public outrage was too much, so the Government decided to ban him from sitting behind a wheel again, and all of this in just one day! So now he is forced to hop on the bus completely drunk and sit on his own vomit until he gets home, just like the rest of us (expect for the killing part).

• Check your calendars, everyone! Because 2010 is making a comeback and it ain’t pretty. You see, the once invincible Dancing With The Stars is suddenly tanking in the ratings, and Marcelo Tinelli is not happy. It seems that after a 6-year slumber, the Argentine population has said “Enough!” to cheap scandals and mediocre dancing and begun changing to channel to happier, more preppy story lines, like the hit show of the moment “Graduados,” which is like Beverly Hills 90210, only worse (and I’m not talking about the recent series reboot, I’m talking about the original one. Seriously, who could you watch that crap?). In a desperate attempt to regain his squandered glory, Tinelli decided to bring back current nemesis and former pariah Ricardo Fort, who was exultant to retake the place he was fired from two years ago, even if only for a day. So in all honesty I’m not really sure what this post is all about. I just wanted you to know that Bailando por un Sueño is losing big, and it feels really good. The only way they’ll ever have another peak in the ratings is by bringing on stage some huge international star like, I don’t know, Madonna.

• DAMN IT!!!!

• And in case you haven’t been following Ricardo Fort’s recent incursions into the realm of legitimate musical theater, here he is doing The Lion King and Jesus Christ Superstar. You’re welcome to decide which one is more offensive.

• No, yeah, definitely the Jesus one.

• Also, thank God for this.

• And by the way, someone needs to edit the Graduados Wikipedia page in English. That thing is a mess.

• [Warning: shameless plug coming up] Before we finish, have you RSVP’d to attend our Buenos Aires Underground Market event tomorrow? We’re all going to be there sampling food and drinking like crazy, so why not join us for a while? It starts at noon and finishes at 5 pm. You have no excuse. [End of shameless plug].

• I know, I’m such a corporate whore.

• Have you noticed how I haven’t talked much about football lately? Either nothing is happening (unlikely) or I’m not paying enough attention (pretty likely). Whatever the case may be, here you go:

• This is hardly news because it happens every day, but one of the leaders of the Independiente hooligans has been shot. Now, that link is four days old so I’m not sure if he made it or not. Honestly I’m having brunch in an hour and can’t be bothered to find out. You figure it out yourself, mk? Consider it homework.

• Argentina gave us a lackluster performance in a game against Peru this week, which according to my sources (Wikipedia) was a World Cup qualifying match. The game ended 1-1 and everyone engaged in some fun, harmless homophobic behavior, with a fake photo of Lionel Messi telling Peruvians to go “eat it” via Twitter and some Peruvian player I never heard of calling him and Gonzalo Higuaín “little girls.” Whatever.

• No wonder I never talk about football.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

It’s Friday again!

And springtime is just two weeks away!

Which is a good thing, considering that this past weekend your face absorbed some much-needed UV rays and got a wonderful tan that only two days later made you look like an idiot because a cold front reminded us all that we are still in the middle of winter.

Give it a few more weeks and you’ll be able to get tanned without regrets.

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook in order to receive weekly updates about stuff.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, a guy you just heard of two days ago yet now you’re his greatest fan. Also not Jesus. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Is it OK to start with porn? I mean let’s face it, every newspaper in this country has tits and ass on the front page. There’s no reason to be squeamish, although if you’re easily offended by blatant displays of self-pleasuring activities, you should probably skip the next bullet point altogether. It is very NSFW. You have been warned. Also, I’d like to read your thoughts about what’s coming next. So feel free to comment below.

• Oh, no they didn’t! But yes, they absolutely did. President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner (as well as the 54% of this country’s population) is probably not amused by the latest stunt pulled by Miami-based Argento-Venezuelan rock band The Rockadictos, who either artfully or disrespectfully (that’s up to you) decided to feature our beloved Head of State on their latest controversial music video. The clip – shot in ‘comic mode’ – depicts Cristina as a clamor-hungry charismatic leader who finds herself overflowing with the eroticism of power and decides to vent the pressure building up inside of her in the only way she can. *rolls eyes* Yes, masturbation. Is it disrespectful? Maybe, although personally I don’t give a shit. Is it art? I’m not sure. Is it a desperate call for attention by a band that most of us never heard of before and is looking to spike their sales on iTunes? You bet. Whatever it is, it made it to the cover of Noticias. Well played, Rockadictos. Well played.

• Oh, and I almost forgot. US president Barack Obama is also involved in this upbeat tale of erotica, although not in the way you expect him to be, which is kind of a disappointment.

• Moving on to less relevant things: boy, were the anti-Kirchnerites pissed this week. The Cadena Nacional controversy hit the fan a few days ago when Cristina’s television omnipresence got in the way of Dancing With The Stars / Graduados / [Insert name of favorite TV show here]. For those of you slow learners, the Cadena Nacional is when all broadcast networks interrupt their programming to show a live presidential speech. Many presidents have resorted to this when they needed to address the nation in the past, but Cristina, like her Venezuelan compadre, is in love with it and may be slightly abusing it. And this of course had half of the Argentine population in an irate state, something I’m sure you’ve noticed by taking a glance at your Facebook/Twitter timelines recently. Last Monday, however, she crossed the line. In order to celebrate Industry Day which, yes, is as boring as it sounds, not only she interrupted everyone’s dinners, she also gave the most boring speech in the history of boring speeches. In her 60-minute soliloquy she didn’t yell, she didn’t laugh, she didn’t make a joke, she didn’t scold any of her minions. She just talked about industry stuff, which we all know sucks because it’s not tits and ass. Seriously, I dare you to watch that. It’s like being forced to sit through the training video of a cement company in Scottsbluff, Nebraska.

• So if you want to know why there was an impromptu cacerolazo last Monday night, that’s why. It wasn’t the restrictions on the dollar, it wasn’t the rampant inflation or the overall sense of collapse blanketing society as we speak. No, ladies and gentlemen. It was the inability to enjoy Dancing With The Stars. A doomed nation, we are.

• This traumatizing ordeal has of course left the anti-Kirchnerite mind in shambles and with the need to sleep with the lights on, for which they have once again galvanized behind a Facebook page to conduct a nationwide cacerolazo on Thursday the 13th. Just like the question-marked face of Anonymous, the cacerolazo movement has no leader, no bellwether leading the masses to reclaim the Plaza de Mayo from the sharp, raptor-like claws of the Kirchnerite reich. But people are going, man, they are going. And this time they don’t even need to carry a dirty frying pan sporting the unconsumed leftovers of omelettes past. Just like technology has saved countless lives in the Arab spring demonstrations or the jungles of Burma, the iPhone is here to make your case heard.

• The AFIP tax agency continues marching into dark territory as it expands yet once more its already Orwellian attributes. As you probably know, whenever Argentines return from their little orgasmic trip to the first world and come face to face with the Ezeiza gatekeepers, they are expected to show any electronic device that they may have shamelessly acquired in the land of happiness. If you paid more than 300 US dollars for your un-Argentine piece of machinery, then you are to be charged with 50% of its original price in concept of your treasonous activities. Why do you think whenever you foreigners leave temporarily you are always asked to bring back iPods, iPads, iPhones, iMacs and more iPods? This is why. And get ready, because it’s about to get worse, since the AFIP will now go through everyone’s purchases abroad to see if they “forgot” to declare a little trip to the Apple store. Stalin would be proud.

• The problem here is not that they are forcing everyone to pay their fair share of taxes, the problem is their “guilty until proven innocent” attitude. Let me put it this way: if the AFIP were in charge of solving a murder case in CSI: Miami, the first suspect (who’s usually a red herring) would get the death penalty within the first ten minutes of the episode, turning this show into an even more tedious experience than it already was. Think Horatio Cane is a douche? Picture Ricardo Echegaray delivering one of those cringing closing lines with a strong Argentine accent. “Avoid the tax? You get the axe.”

• Oh my God! I just used a bullet point with the sole purpose of expressing a personal opinion! Does this… does this mean I’m changing the rules?!

• No. Shut up.

• I forgot to mention that the AFIP also announced that only state-run banks are now allowed to offer currency exchange services at the Ezeiza airport. Sorry, currency exchange operators. I guess your business truly is a dying art. You can join the mime artists union and share stories of the good old days together.

• Let’s change the subject. Let’s talk about the Malvinas/Falklands conflict, which I haven’t mentioned in like two weeks and I already feel like I miss those guys.

• [DANGER] The legislative assembly of the Malvinas/Falklands has
  

  Shut up, you guys. This isn’t porn, OK? It’s a tasteful display of the female anatomy that is in no way done in order to attract more clicks. If you don’t believe me, ask InfoBAE. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  confirmed that they will carry a referendum on the islands to let the population officially say whether they wish to remain British or not. (Spoiler alert: the result will be a resounding “FUCK, YEAH”). The historic yet irrelevant vote will take place in March 2013 and will change absolutely nothing because Argentina has already said they will cover their ears and go la-la-la-la-la-la when the islanders read the result out loud.

• God, the sexual tension between these two countries is soooooooo strong. Just make out already.

• The government continues to inch closer to totalitarianism as it has now decided to cancel a tender that it had put out for companies to operate 25% of the mobile phone frequencies in Argentina. Remember the Patriot Act? Well, this is pretty much the same thing.

• Great news everyone! The National Government has announced that it will not put up to tender a 25% of the 3G network. Planning Minister Julio De Vido has insisted that “it is not a state takeover,” which of course means it totally is.

• The Buenos Aires Government has finally decided to catch up with the 00′s and announced that it will offer free Wi-Fi services inside the city’s public libraries. Which is great for the 78-year-old librarian working there. The rest of you fucks who haven’t set foot in a library since 2002 couldn’t care less about this.

• Also, September 24th has officially been declared a one-time holiday, which means you kids get another long weekend to engage in absolute mischief. I already explained why it’s being declared a holiday, but in case you didn’t pay attention the last time, here it is again.

• Yeah, you just got RickRoll’d. You should have paid attention the last time I explained it, bitch.

• Also, RickRolling is so 2010. I disgust myself.

• We all know that even though Argentina and the UK have to hots for each other, there’s no point denying that this country’s true love is the US and that’s why it hates it so much. If you examine the local customs you will find that everyone is dying to be just like Ross and Rachel in that awesome -yet suspiciously affordable- Manhattan apartment. So whenever we hear that someone in this country decided to extrapolate American pop culture to the Pampas, we hardly find it strange anymore. Starbucks is as Argentine as dulce de leche. This time, however, things may be different since some disturbed teenager decided he wanted to imitate the Batman thing. And by “thing” I don’t mean “becoming a douchy-voiced caped crusader”, I mean slaughtering a lot of people in a movie theater. You know how teens like Justin Bieber or Big Time Rush? Well, this guy likes James Holmes, so he decided he wanted to shoot an audience. Fortunately his plans were foiled though, and now he sucks. ”Where was this?” you say? I’m surprised you need to ask: the land of terror and despair, otherwise known as Salta.

• Remember last week when I mentioned how the Chubut police had
  

  James Holmes, who totally creeps me out. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  declared open season on seagulls and they received an immediate international backlash for its reprehensible attitude towards the provincial fauna? It seems that the force has had a change of heart and decided that it does love animals after all. And what better way to express that they are OK with zoophilia than a racy photo shoot involving scantily-clad girls and horses from the mounted police? Classy stuff. Really classy stuff. She looks like Xena: Warrior Princess only sluttier. Look out boys, she’s single!

• Signing a contract with Dancing With The Stars in 3… 2… 1…

• Finally Argentina is first at something, and that is the relatively enviable honor of being the country that spends the most time on Facebook. Hey, it could be worse. It could be MySpace.

• Ah, now here’s a guy that deserves a medal. Francisco, a Colombian cashier working at the La Pasiva restaurant, on Corrientes Av. 1700, refused to be robbed and decided to beat the shit out of the gun-toting criminal that was threatening to kill him. Well done, Francisco. I believe you’re dangerously insane, but well done nonetheless.

• Alright, kids. Let’s have a talk, come sit. *pats bed* Can you explain to me who Sri Sri Ravi Shankar is and why you’re so interested in him, specially when you didn’t even know he existed three hours ago? I know there’s this whole “Fevida” thing going on this weekend in which 100,000 people are expected to come out and learn how to meditate, but gimme a break. His face is plastered all over town, he’s present on every TV show and he has been trending on Twitter for the last four days. Can somebody please explain it to me? He’s almost as big as Jesus. He even looks like Jesus! Is this spiritual leader one to be tru…- Oh, we knew this was coming.

• Last but not least: either the media is desperate to see Juan Martín del Potro and Andy Roddick engaging in gay porn, or there really is something going on between these two. As Juan Martín managed to beat Andy Roddick at the US Open this week, they both melted in a warm embrace and touched each other awkwardly to celebrate that this was the American tennis player’s last game of his career. What follows is their heartbreaking goodbye, according to the media present there: here, here, here and here. And my personal favorite, which I have labeled “I will miss your face so much.”

• Oh and please don’t send me those lengthy emails explaining how they were “just being friendly” and that there’s nothing wrong with two guys expressing their fondness for each other. I know that. It’s a joke. I believe Del Potro demonstrated to be a hell of a sportsman. So stop. Please just stop.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

It’s Friday again!

And today is of course a very special day for all of us!

No, I’m not talking about today being another holiday to commemorate the death of Argentina’s forefather José de San Martín (which, by the way, was moved to Monday to make it a long weekend for some reason. Wouldn’t Friday be the same thing?).

No, the reason is that this column is turning two years old this week!

It was almost two years ago that out of a drunken epiphany I decided to create a weekly summary of Argentine news for the average (i.e. lazy) expats who took pride in claiming that they didn’t care who the president of this country was.

Hence the first Weekly News Roundup (seen here) was born on a cold, rainy morning of August 20th, 2010.

It was a short, unfunny, half-assed attempt at writing something different that only got two comments, one of them from a friend of mine (meaning it doesn’t count) and the other from some guy who congratulated me for being “very optimist” (I assume he meant optimistic). And look! I hadn’t even adopted the name “Bono” as my nom de plume!

But despite the public’s intentional indifference I persisted because I pretty much had nothing better to do with my life, and a few years, a lot of practice and a lot of hate mail later, this column evolved naturally into the beautiful, stylistic piece of shit prose that it is today.

So even though it’s only 9 AM, I raise my glass and salute you, my loyal readers/detractors who week after week come to this column to laugh/become infected with rage.

This is only the beginning.

And remember to like our Weekly News Roundup Facebook page so you can keep up with the coming changes.

Oh! And I almost forgot: I’m going away on vacation this weekend so don’t expect a Weekly News Roundup next Friday.

I know, scary right? It’s like when you were little and you lost your mom in the amusement park. You knew she would come back eventually because it’s a closed environment, but in the meantime it was up to you to survive.

Well, that’s you next week. Make me proud.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Three weeks ago no one gave a shit about Taekwondo. Some guy winds a gold medal. Now everyone’s a fan. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, who never lets a photo op go to waste, welcomed in Casa Rosada the Argentine athletes who competed in the London 2012 Olympics and, flanked by new national hero and only gold winner Sebastián Crismanich, boasted that since the Kirchners took over in 2003 Argentina has won a total of 16 medals. Sure, when you say it like that you naturally go “That’s it?”, but considering that in the 44 years before the country had only obtained fourteen, she was proud to congratulate those that with perseverance, honor, courage and self-confidence had brought joy to their nation.

• Then of course she fucked it all up by applauding the women’s national field hockey team for kicking the UK’s ass in the Olympics. “When you defeated England, it was like winning a gold medal. It’s a good thing you won! Otherwise I would have been so upset!” she laughed. Hah! Nothing like some healthy incitement to xenophobia in the hands of a charismatic leader. I can’t wait to see what she has in store for Rio 2016.

• Everyone’s favorite mischievous Vice-President Amado Boudou had the dubious honor of being included in a list of trouble-making veeps from around the world published this week on Foreign Policy. Along with Boudou are four other VP superstars, including Sierra Leone’s Samuel Sam-Sumana and Sudan’s Ali Osman Taha. It’s like the international affairs version of The Breakfast Club, in which Boudou is obviously Emilio Estevez and Sam-Sumana is a machete-wielding Judd Nelson. I don’t know about you but I would totally pay to go see that.

• Now, I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about what was probably the biggest story of the week, involving the Indec national statistics agency and their infamous report saying that you can eat with only $6 pesos a day. Even though most of the media coverage surrounding that story was not entirely accurate, everyone knows their inflation index is nothing short of a joke. So the Argentine chapter of the hacktivist group Anonymous, obviously not amused but such a blatant display of disregard for the public’s intelligence, decided that it was fair game to hack the Indec’s website, just for shits and giggles.

• After the most nightmarish and paralyzing week to have ever been experienced in Buenos Aires since the Toddy cookies disappeared from the shelves, the subway workers came to a “feeble” agreement with the City Government and Metrovías after ten days of strike. The most important part of this paragraph is the word “feeble,” since it means chances are we’ll be dealing with another strike in just a couple of weeks.

• As further evidence that this is a ticking time bomb of unfathomable proportions, the City government has announced that five new subway stations have been finished but cannot be opened to the public because there aren’t enough trains.

• Jesus, just shut down the whole thing and leave it there. Don’t you watch scary movies? Worst case scenario, it becomes a hideout for comic book villains and mutant creatures that feed on homeless people. At $2.50 a ride that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

• Now that the Olympics are over and Argentine athletes don’t have to worry about being deported from England before obtaining any medals, we can all go back to the usual bickering about the Malvinas/Falklands. Newspapers around the country were horrified over the impending arrival of a warship to the islands this week that they themselves announced only a few months ago and now seemed to have completely forgotten about it.

• And because one Malvinas/Falklands-related scandal a week is obviously not enough, the local media decided to run a shocking non-story accusing the Uruguayans of referring to the islands as “Falklands” instead of “Malvinas,” as any respectable non-imperialist Latin nation would do. The preposterous and offensive error was found in some random document no one gives a shit about and was clearly the result of an hungover intern, but that did’t stop the local press from pretty much accusing the Uruguayans of treason. Fortunately President José Mujíca apologized in time before both nations broke relations and announced he would launch “an official investigation”. No, he did. Like, for real.

• Awesome news, everyone! Finally here’s something you can show your parents so they can shut up about how you’re throwing your life away in some South American city that is slowly spinning into the boiling rivers of the Underworld. According to prestigious magazine “The Economist,” Buenos Aires has been picked as Latin America’s best city to live in. In your face, Brazilian Buenos Aires!

• And those of you who complained about the current state of things in this country and moved to Uruguay, you can stay there. We don’t want you back.

• The Córdoba province, not content with trying to expel all prostitutes from its sovereign territory a few weeks ago, is now openly warning that if you have an “amputated penis” you cannot join the police force. That’s right, transsexuals! If you wanna be a cop you gotta take it like a man. That means: have a penis. The new regulation also rejects people who are missing one finger, have diabetes or a stutter. Keep making everyone proud, Córdoba! I can’t wait for you to outlaw divorce and reinstate the use of leeches for curing cancer.

• And speaking of fucked up provinces, remember Salta? You can now add this to the list of weird crimes taking place there. Seriously that place needs its own special CSI unit. Just stay away from it.

• Ready to be enraged? Here’s a domestic violence video that was all over the news and went viral this week showing a coward asshole beating his ex-wife in front of their daughter.

• Ready to be enraged even more? His only punishment is to stay away from the woman for 90 days.

• As more cases like these continue to surface, at least one political party has reacted in some sort of way and called for Congress to declare a national emergency on gender violence, since according to a new report cases have increased a 57% in the last two years.

• OK, this is the part you don’t want your parents to know about. Just stick to the article on The Economist and you’ll be fine.

• This week, in Completely Unnecessary Displays of Self-confidence:
  

  You will never look at Delacroix’s painting the same way after being exposed to Moria Casán’s intoxicating photographs. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  former erotica star and current wrinkled grandmother Moria Casán wants you to know that she is not losing any sleep over accusations that she stole an $80,000 necklace from a Paraguayan jeweler. So she agreed to a racy and gag-inducing photo shoot for Noticias magazine, in which she impersonates Lady Liberty herself, spear in hand and Phrygian cap on wig. The photos are NSFW but don’t worry, the worst parts are censored, praise Jesus. Just make sure you don’t click on that link with the lights off.

• Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

• Agh, who am I kidding. I wasn’t even gonna go.

• And regarding football: it’s been awfully quiet lately. It’s almost as if such dead calm is announcing a coming storm that will explode in a ravaging sea of fire and fury, destroying everything in its path until no living thing is left standing. The hooligans are silent, the players aren’t engaging in prostitution scandals and the sports commentators are surprisingly accurate during the games. So since there’s nothing interesting to tell, here’s the gruesome video of a leg fracture during an Argentinos Juniors match last weekend. Enjoy!

It’s Friday again!

And if you live in Buenos Aires, chances are you’re pissed off right now.

It’s been the worst week ever in this city. Dreadful weather. Nightmarish traffic. A seven-day, record-breaking subway strike, and on top of that Nick Carter is in town.

Oh, don’t worry, I had to google him too.

This is an insult to your porteño-centric view of the world. Buenos Aires ain’t the expat sanctuary it once used to be, is it? I mean Nick Carter, really?

What is this, a cruise for singles headed to Saint Kitts and Nevis, or any of those other Caribbean islands with the pretentious names?

And those kids from One Direction should take a hint and exploit their current fame as much as they can. Because one moment you’re selling thousands of seats for the Madison Square Garden and BAM! Ten years later your selling less than ten tickets for the Gran Rex Theater in Buenos Aires and people find out you’re in town thanks to this shitty column.

You’re welcome.

Please don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook so you can keep up with future columns.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Buenos Aires this week, as seen through your window. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Oh, boy. We’re never going to hear the end of this. In a controversial speech this week, the Queen of Diversity and also President of this country, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner finally put us all smug Europeans in a corner and called us for what we really are: a bunch of racist idiots. Oh, yes, she did. But let me give you some context information, because otherwise it sounds horrible:

• While opening a new school for the Qom indigenous community in the Chaco province so they’re distracted with something and finally stop bothering her, she started talking to Chaco governor Jorge Capitanich about how even though he looks indigenous his ancestors are actually from “xenophobic” Europe. As some in the audience squirmed in their seats, she doubled down by saying “What!? Europeans are all xenophobic!”. Half a second later she realized of her egregious fuck up and rolled her eyes. “Oh, I’m never going to hear the end of this tomorrow!” The bunch of seals applauding in the audience kind of agreed.

• After buying some time, she non-apologized by saying she had never said what she said two minutes earlier and clarified that she also comes from European ancestors, although “we must admit that there’s an important part of Europe that has a xenophobic component.” To prove her point, she mentioned the Inquisition. It’s like being in a history class! Only the teacher is drunk.

• My favorite part is when they start discussing Hugo Chávez’s ethnicity. “He’s kind of a half-breed, isn’t he? He’s half-indigenous and something else?”. Fortunately, Domestic Trade Secretary Guillermo Moreno was sitting in the audience and contributed by saying “Africa! Because he’s got curly hair!” Ha! Someone should give these people a reality show.

• But not all is lost with Cristina, because this week she finally had it with the press making up stories about her, and as she attended the opening ceremony of some new YPF technobabble technique used to increase hydrodesulfurization of gas in the country or some incomprehensible thing like that, she went on live television to denounce the many, many lies of your favorite newspapers Clarin and La Nación regarding YPF and said she wanted Congress to come up with a public ethics law, that forces journalists to say which companies are backing them financially so at least you know whose interests they are representing when they criticize her untarnished administration.

• This, of course, means I’m fucked. Because according to some of you, my loyal – yet dissident – readers, these are some of the people/organizations that include me on their payroll in order to “talk shit about this country in a column that no one reads”: the UCR, Mauricio Macri, the CIA, ExxonMobil, Hugo Chávez, the US Embassy in Buenos Aires, the Victory Front, Julian Assange, David Cameron, the Malvinas/Falklands islanders and also my mother, because I remember one reader wrote to say he wondered “how much money my parents were paying The Argentina Independent to let me write so much crap.” So yeah, I guess that includes my mom too. As you can see, I consider all your letters to be special and I keep them close to my heart.

• Moving on to what is probably the story of the week: a surfing cat!

• No, I’m kidding. This week, the city of Buenos Aires has become the epicenter of panic and despair as subway workers continue with an eight-day strike that has forced millions of people to walk, take cabs, ride bikes or – God forbid – take buses. Have you even tried to ride a bus during rush hour? Try it! It’s fun. You get yelled at by the bus driver, you get yelled at by old ladies, you get yelled at by people who are outside the bus and hate you because you’re inside the bus and you get poked and prodded by a lot of male genitalia (FYI: it doesn’t matter if you’re a guy).

• Meanwhile, in the dark caverns of the underworld (meaning, below the city, in the subway stations): THIS.

• Yeah, that’s right. Those are the subway workers on strike, screening a movie inside one of the cars. I can imagine them all giggling in their pajamas, throwing popcorn at each other and stuff, God bless them.

• Also, there’s this little campaign making the rounds on the social networks, calling on all citizens to respond to this week’s strike by refusing to pay to ride the subway next Monday. First of all, you’re delusional for thinking by Monday the subway will be working again. What kind of utopia do you think we’re living in? Mexico City? And second, let me know how that stunt goes for you when the cops start beating your head with a baton. Good luck!

• Because the city wasn’t enough of a mess this week, as thousands were forced to take the Mitre train line to go to work, the train obviously derailed. 31 people were injured in the crash. You knew it was going to happen.

• The train station in Retiro, one of the busiest ones during rush hour, was forced to shut down the Mitre line due to the crash. By Tuesday night, Buenos Aires was about to collectively kill itself.

• Another derailment took place on that same line one day later.

• Twice.

• And a day after that: this. How’s that for a late reaction, huh?

• Fun fact: Stay away from the Santojanni Hospital, that place is cursed. Seriously, if you go there because you have a headache chances are you’ll end up in a body bag after receiving multiple stab wounds. In the last year a man was stabbed and killed in the emergency room, two gangs of hooligans clashed in the hallways and now an angry mob completely trashed the place in response to an alleged malpractice case. Doctors in the city’s public hospitals went on a 24-hour strike to protest the lack of security staff in the premises, which of course amounted to absolutely nothing.

It’s Friday again!

And are you trying to hide somewhere where the fake global excitement over the Olympics can’t find you?

Then you’ve come to the right place my friend.

Because I will not be mentioning them at all (except for this part in which I have to mention them to say that I will not be mentioning them, you know how it is).

And let’s face it, all we care about is the opening/closing ceremonies and how many medals our country won.

I’m not trying to be a cynic here, I’m just saying no one gives a shit about how far a javelin can go. That’s all.

All we care about is the gold, and that’s a fact.

Ready for another crazy week of Argentine mishaps?

Then this is what you need to know:

• 

  Not Madonna. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Are you willing to open your heart to the never fading charm of Evita‘s smile? It was the 60th anniversary of Eva Peron’s death yesterday and there were countless ceremonies throughout the country to remember the so-called “standard bearer of the humble.” Among the many celebrations carried out this week, the most important one was the one held in the government house by President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, in which she unveiled a new commemorative $100 peso bill featuring Evita’s portrait. Even though this was originally a limited edition thing, Cristina urged the authorities to eventually replace the note currently in use with these new more Peronist-friendly version.

• One of the reasons why the government wants to get rid of the $100 peso bills you’re using right now is because they feature the portrait of former president Julio A. Roca, a polarizing figure who is lauded by many because he broke relations with the Vatican and instituted secular education in Argentina, but is reviled by others because he pretty much exterminated every indigenous tribe south of La Pampa in the so-called “Conquest of the Desert.” So, who do you pick? Genocidal maniac or Madonna?

• Oops! Well, this is awkward. Apparently there is a little design flaw in these flawless new bills, and they can’t be read by regular ATM machines. Which means that, at least when it comes to this first batch of 20 million bills and until this error is corrected, it’s gonna be a fucking nightmare to get them from the bank. Looks like we’re gonna have to stick to the genocidal maniac for a little longer than expected.

• Of course, the money-printing authorities were fast to deny this and accused the anti-Government media of “slandering Evita.” Who should you believe? Well, that’s for you to decide. Consider the Argentine media to be some fucked-up version of the Choose Your Own Adventure book series. Only difference is no matter what the outcome, the population always loses.

• Here’s a fun fact: Cristina has a very dirty mind. Most of the time we don’t get to see that side of her because she’s always bitching about stuff or yelling at others. But whenever she’s in a good mood, she starts making dirty jokes. And guess what: she made one this week! While she was attending the opening ceremony of a cosmetics factory in Berazategui via teleconference, she started talking to a girl who said she was in charge of “handling tubes.” So Cristina had the brilliant idea of asking the guy standing next to her is he was in charge of “llenarle el pomo“ (loosely translated as “filling her tubes”). “That was a little dirty for a President, don’t you think?” she wondered. Stay classy, Madame President!

• It’s official: we’re China’s Latin American bitch.

• Congratulations Argentina! For the second time in a row, the World Bank has named you the most protectionist country in the world! That means that we’re living in the country that applies more restrictions to control foreign trade than any other nation. Oh, well. At least we’re first in something.

• Oh, and shut up Americans. Because the US comes third.

• Will you look at that, war games and rogue missiles in the Malvinas/Falklands. That’s refreshing.

• Don’t panic though, this is standard routine for the islanders, who as usual replied to Argentina’s shaking fist in the air with an apathetic shrug and a “whatevs,” accusing Cristina of scaring the population since these exercises are performed there every six months or so. And they have kind of a point. Back in October 2010, Cristina was already bitching about them. She even called the Brits “pirates,” which is a stupid thing to do because we all know pirates only used cannonballs and swords.

• OK, maybe except for these pirates.

• Are you, by any chance, a prostitute? Are you, by any chance, living in the province of Córdoba? If you said yes to those two questions (which is highly likely) then I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that the provincial government is anxious to give you a free ride to your hometown, no matter where you originally come from. Go on, take it! The bad news is that it’s just a one-way ride because they don’t want you strutting your stuff around their land any more, lowering everyone’s morale with your sinful ways. Oh, but don’t be so quick to judge. This is (according to the provincial government) “a very smart move” in their commendable fight against human trafficking. That’s right, if you’re ever forced to deal with the illegal trade of human beings for the purposes of commercial exploitation in your own backyard now you know what to do: send those harlots away so you don’t have to deal with the issue yourself. There, problem solved. Somebody give these people a Nobel prize.

• I know it feels like I say this every month, but I don’t. I actually say it once every two months. Remember: cab fare is going up this Sunday. And don’t get too comfortable with those prices, because they are going up in October again. Ha! Worried about how you’ll manage to get back home while inebriated? Yeah, me too.

• I know it feels like I say this every week, but I… no, wait. I actually do say this every week: the Central Bank has announced new restrictions for those trying to purchase US dollars, so if you intend to send $2000 abroad because you have a family member who’s dying and needs your urgent help to escape, say, a Russian gulag, you need to ask the Government for a special permit. The limit for remittance abroad has been set at $1500 a month. If you need to send more, then now you need a permit. Because odds are you’re sending that money to your spoiled children who are drinking their life away in some elite first world university, you imperialist pig.

• Believe it or not, you may be scanned for firearms while entering the movie theater to see The Dark Knight Rises in Argentina . Because if we’re gonna imitate American culture, we’re gonna do it right.

• And speaking of the shootout in Denver, of course the media in this country would find an angle to make it all about the tragedy we also endured (albeit totally indirectly) as a nation. Oh, Argentina. You overzealous attention whore.

• Millions were horrified by the Government’s latest despicable lie this week, after Security Secretary Sergio Berni assured that Buenos Aires “is one of the safest cities in Latin America.” Lies, all lies! Or maybe not?Because according to the latest research of the 50 most dangerous cities in the world Buenos Aires is nowhere to be seen, even though 40 of the cities in the list are located in Latin America. Even New Orleans, Detroit and Baltimore made the list! So yes, the region is the most dangerous in the world (even more dangerous than the horn of Africa!) but all in all BA is pretty safe. I’m of course not saying there’s no danger here, I’m just saying the rest of the world is not filled with wide-eyed cherubs and unicorns. Violent crimes are widespread. Remember that next time you’re whining about how much this city sucks because someone snatched your shiny iPhone from your little fingers.

• Hey, here’s an idea. Let’s ignore everything I just said and give in to fear-mongering and media-sponsored paranoia, OK? OK.

• Do you live in Recoleta, San Telmo, Constitución or Puerto Madero? Are you tired of living like a prisoner in your own home due to the ever-present menace of violent crimes and petty thefts? Well, fret no more my fellow paranoid citizen! Because some clever-minded individuals at La Nacion (your newspaper of choice, and shut up, you know I’m right) have come up with the ultimate weapon against the trigger-happy criminals that obviously await you at the turn of every corner. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… the High Risk Zone map. A comprehensive and user-friendly info-graphic that helps you avoid the many pitfalls stemming while you’re casually walking down from home to the supermarket. Turn left? Look out, there’s a Whorehouse there! Go straight? No, wait, there’s a guy selling drugs there! Running terrified while waving your arms in the air, looking for sanctuary? Quick, there’s a police station right ahead! (Although in all honesty I’m not sure the police stations on the map are there to be avoided as well). So there, it’s like playing a deadly version of Pac-Man.

• Actually if you take a closer look at that map it definitely resembles another video game classic.

• Because apparently having to use a map to avoid the many perils lurking
  

  Former president Julio A. Roca. He ate babies for breakfast. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  outside the safety of your home was not enough, due to a series of unpaid bills, electricity companies Edesur and Edenor began cutting the power of several public parks and squares throughout the City at night. This obviously rendered your little map useless and turned many public squares into a black hole of criminal activities. Even the traditional Obelisk in downtown Buenos Aires was in the dark! Fortunately yesterday both parties came to an agreement and the power returned. At least now you get to see the face of the guy who’s robbing you.

• So you think crime and traffic in Buenos Aires are madness and want to run away from them as fast as you can? Are you longing for greener pastures, quieter streets and jollier neighbors who greet you with a tip of the hat and a smile as you’re whistling your way to work? Why not move to a smaller province like, say, Tucumán, where the air is pure and front doors are left unlocked at night? You can ride your motorbike to work every morning and BAM!

• That last bullet point was meant to illustrate that traffic sucks on a nationwide scale. It’s not just Buenos Aires. I’m confident you got the message.

• Take a look at this photo. See that massive, grey metal behemoth parked right next to the hot girl in red? Hard to miss, isn’t it? Well, not to the security officials at the Rural Society Expo in Palermo, who apparently “misplaced” it (“misplaced” as in SOMEBODY FUCKING STOLE THE THING) and now they are in hot water over it. It was like a magic trick! It was there on Monday night, then it was not. “We thought they were taking it to wash it,” a security official who seems to have graduated from the Chief Wiggum Security School for Idiots said. Nice job, you guys! Let’s hope whoever graduates from that school is never hired to remain vigilant at a more menacing place like, say, a maximum security prison. Then we’d be fucked.

• You know it’s coming, don’t you? Yeah, you’re way ahead of me on this one.

• Take a look at this photo. See that deranged-looking criminal that totally looks like a cold-blooded killer? Hard to miss, isn’t he? Well, not to the prison guards at the maximum security prison in Florencio Varela who apparently “misplaced” him (“misplaced” as in HE FUCKING ESCAPED), and only one week after being sentenced to spend 29 years in there for murdering another man. The best part? He nonchalantly walked out of prison dressed as a woman. The media is still waiting for additional details, but don’t be surprised to learn he was also given a cake with a file hidden inside it.

• Now you understand why an Argentine remake of Prison Break would never work here? Michael Scofield would help his brother escape in like the first ten minutes of the season.

• At long last! Awesome football player and average-looking Lionel Messi has decided to branch out and expand his personal brand empire by blessing us all with the new Leo Wine, and exquisite blend featuring the taste of grapes and the aroma of a locker room. The “Leo” wine will offer a fine stock of Malbec, Torrontés, Malbec Premium and Extra Brut, and you will be able to acquire it almost exclusively at your closest chino.

• Hey, don’t be so quick to judge! After all, Diego Maradona had several drinks named after him, like the short-lived Maradona beer, or the likely-radioactive fernet “El Diego,” which was probably taken off the market before you could even say “food poisoning.” Look at that label. Yeah, that seems legit.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

Argentine President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner traveled yesterday to Cochabamba, Bolivia, in order to meet with Bolivian President Evo Morales. The two leaders met to discuss topics like the recent displacement of Former President Fernando Lugo in Paraguay , as well as to negotiate bilateral agreements related to Bolivian gas sold to Argentina. Fernández traveled with government officials Hector Timerman, Julio De Video, and Robert Baratta.

Argentine Ambassador to Bolivia, Ariel Basteiro, announced that the main objective of the visit was to establish a new price for the sale of gas from Bolivia to Argentina, as well as to discuss a possible increase in amount of gas imported. Bolivian government official Juan José Sosa commented that the leaders will also discuss possible collaboration in energy production, as reported in Clarín.

At a ceremony held yesterday, Fernandez discussed the controversial impeachment of Lugo in Paraguay. She defended Mercosur’s decision to expel Paraguay as a member country, and expressed her commitment to defending democracy in the region. As reported in Telesur, she said that leaders of Mercosur are “determined to defend not governments but the popular will of the people” of the region.

The leaders are set to hold private meetings all day today, in order to sign an agreement before Fernandez returns to Buenos Aires tonight. Basteiro stressed the strategic importance of the visit and of the Argentine embassy in Bolivia, since the nation is: “a neighboring country, because of the large number of Bolivians living in Argentina, and because it has natural resources that are fundamental to the industrial development of our country,” as quoted in Clarín.

It’s Friday again!

And before you start reading, let me kindly suggest that you go get your news somewhere else.

No, I’m not kidding. I’m serious. Go read about something that really matters, like how your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s zodiacal sign means he/she is prone to infidelity.

Because honestly, there’s not much to read here this week. Everything you read will basically redirect you to two things: either the Malvinas/Falklands conflict or football.

And quite frankly, I think you and I have had enough of that.

So this week I had to face an impossible decision: either I didn’t write the column in order to let the Government know that this inherent lack of tomfoolery is like slamming my fired up creativity into a cold, refreshing pool of water, or I wrote it anyway and waited for the hate mail to start pouring in.

“You always talk about the same thing, man!”

You know what I mean.

So, after cogitating for some time about professionalism and respect for my loyal readers, I understandably took the high road and decided to tell you all to go fuck yourselves and go out for a beer.

So now I’m hung over and, for some reason, still writing this column even though I originally decided against it.

I was going somewhere with all this but I’ve lost my train of thought.

Thanks for nothing, readers.

This is what you need to- Oh yeah! Now I remember. Like I said, this week this column is mostly about the Malvinas and football. So there. Take it or leave it.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Yes. I already used this photo a few months ago. If you have a better idea for a photo this week, you know where to write. I won’t care but you know where to write. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This week saw the 30th anniversary of the end of the Malvinas/Falklands War (See? Malvinas. Told you.) and of course the bilateral acrimony between Argentina and the United Kingdom was emanating strongly from both sides of the ocean. So here’s everything that happened in a nutshell, so we can get this out of the way fast and move to other more important things, like football.

• David Cameron, that cheeky British prime minister, thought that in order to piss off the Argentines even more on the day of the anniversary, it would be a good idea to fly the Falklands’ flag on top of 10 Downing Street. Very subtle way of saying “Fuck you”, sir. Congrats. You truly are a gentleman.

• On that same day, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner flew to New York to attend a conference at the United Nations, where the Special Committee on Decolonization regularly functions. “Regularly” of course being used ironically since in international relations the SCD is considered to be obsolete, but whatever. She spoke, she didn’t say anything new, once again asked the UK to give peace a chance and then urged the British government to engage in dialogue. Because dialogue is the only way that this will ever be solved. OK? OK. Now read the next bullet point.

• Once her speech was over, a representative of the islands’ government approached Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman and tried to hand him a letter addressed to Cristina in which he asked her to talk to them in order to discuss the islands’ sovereignty. Timerman said no. You guys didn’t think that whole dialogue bullshit was true, right? Because it’s not. Well, now the islanders are upset. Which means that there’s no possibility of a rapprochement anytime soon and I will still have to write about this stuff in the future. Fuck my life.

• Meanwhile, in the Malvinas/Falklands: the islanders, probably tired of being ignored by the international community, announced they would conduct a referendum on the islands in order to “put this sovereignty fuckery to rest once and for all.” Well, they didn’t say it like that, but that’s what they meant. So that’s great, guys! However, there’s no need to “announce” you’re gonna do it. Just do it! Considering the islands have a population of like, 12 people, you just go to the local pub and tell the parishioners to raise their hands and count. That’s it! Referendum ready.

• I’m kidding, islanders! I know you’re more than 12 people! I also know you read my weekly rants, so I’m sorry, but if everyone else falls then you don’t get to leave this column unscathed.

• This week, in non-Malvinas related news: the Interior Ministry announced the creation of a new passport that will cost 400 pesos and will include a state-of-the-art chip that Argentina hopes will persuade nations such as the US, Canada or Australia from asking citizens for a visa before they travel there. The good news is that since dollars are basically impossible to find anywhere in this country, Argentines weren’t even thinking of going there in the first place. See? Everybody happy.

• **UPDATE** The US has already replied by saying “Thanks! But no thanks.”

• Apparently the cacerolazos are still happening, even though no one is actually aware of them. Not content with last week’s fiasco, which failed to galvanize the anti-Kirchnerite segment of the population, a few angry people decided to come out yesterday and bang their frying pans and teapots in order to demand access to their dollars protest corruption. Fortunately this time they had the help of former mayoral candidate and absolutely crazy person Guillermo Cherashny (did you click on that? You should. Want another one? Here’s another one). I’m not sure what Cherashny, a journalist who really did run for mayor of Buenos Aires, was doing there in the first place but if his protest methodologies are indication of anything, I’m certain the cacerolazos will eventually become a “thing”. After all, who could forget his You Tube video aimed at Hewlett-Packard in which he decides to take action against his laptop computer (did you click on that? You should.)?

• Also, since we are talking about protests and injustice, can anyone give this guy a hand? You see, former railway worker Luis Alberto Ninona has been indicted along with many others in the case investigating the Once railway tragedy that took the lives of 51 people last February. So understandably, Mr. Ninona is not allowed to leave the country, as he is suspected of being responsible of manslaughter. But, alas! His lawyer announced that he has all these (I assume, frequent flier) “miles” accumulated and he needs to used them before they expire for a little vacation in Punta Cana, where he’ll be sipping piña coladas for a few days only to eventually return to explain why he’s not kind of responsible for so many deaths. The prosecutor, clearly a bad person, has already said he will not let him leave Argentina for a trip with his family. Can any of you give this guy a hand? Anyone? No? Shame on you.

• Now here’s a piece of news that could be considered a semiotician’s wet dream: do you know who Richard Stallman is? Well, in case you’re too lazy to even click on that link to Wikipedia, let’s just say he’s a computer programmer who was become globally known as the leader of the “free software” movement. (also known as “people who want free shit”). You may recall reading about Mr. Stallman last year after he stirred quite a controversy when he said “he wasn’t glad Steve Jobs was dead but he was glad he was gone.” Still don’t know him? OK, never mind. Anyway, Mr. Stallman was invited to speak about free software at the UBA School of Economics last Friday and, predictably, had his personal computer, passport, medication and travel money stolen while he was giving his conference! So… karma? You know what, I take back what I said at the beginning. This week was amazingly funny.

• At long, last! After six interminable months devoid of music, dancing, and masturbatory material, the biggest TV show in the history of poor quality TV shows is back! (No, kids! I’m not talking about Ricardo Fort‘s megalomaniac extravaganza “Fort Night Show.” That one actually begins in eight days and it already looks like it’s gonna suck). I’m talking about the local version of Dancing With The Stars of course! The impressive opening last Monday, which lasted over 12 minutes, and I must admit is worth watching, featured the entire cast of Game of Thrones dancing to the tunes of Madonna, Adele, LMFAO and Michael Jackson. So it was pretty much the gayest 12-minutes in the history of television. Too bad after minute 13 it’s all downhill until December.

• By the way, if you’re not a pop culture connoisseur or you just arrived in this country and have no idea who Ricardo Fort is, let me just say that if Willy Wonka and The Situation from The Jersey Shore met at a bar one night and decided to have sex, he would be their illegitimate spawn. If you still don’t get the picture, here’s his already classic rendition of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance,” which I have posted here a thousand times and will continue to post until I’m dead. Or he ‘s dead. Whichever comes first.

• Also, in unrelated news but somehow totally related: for months this image went viral on every social network last year, saying that every time you start watching Dancing With The Stars (hosted by Marcelo Tinelli) a book kills itself. So in some kind of poetic -yet depressing- twist of fate, last Monday night at 3:30 am and only a few hours after the Dancing With The Stars premiere was over, a water pipe in the Library of the City Legislature “mysteriously” broke and destroyed more than 13,000 invaluable books forever.

• Horror! For the first time in its 142 years, and in order to further perpetuate the notion (well… your notion) that this country is turning into North Korea, your favorite newspaper in the whole world (La Nación) failed to reach the newsstands due to a union conflict (workers demanding better salaries). So no, this time it wasn’t the Government trying to destroy free speech. Next week maybe, but not this time.

• This week saw the death of yet another singer you couldn’t care less about, this time was Memphis La Blusera‘s Adrian Otero. Since I know that you didn’t care about Estela Raval’s death last week and you don’t care about Otero’s death this week, let’s just be practical and move on. Sorry, everyone. There’s just no point in any of this.

• The reckless endangerment in this country continues, this time in the so-called “Poncho Rally (?)” in Catamarca. The good news is that, even though the driver could have killed dozens of bystanders that were casually standing on the side of the road, this time the only one getting kind of killed is him.

• Don’t worry, I said “kind of killed,” not “killed”. You can laugh without feeling any guilt.

• As signs of an impending zombie apocalypse continue to surface all over the world, a widow in Buenos Aires seems to have fully embraced the concept and decided to pimp the crypt in which her late husband is buried. She even has cable TV and everything! Now don’t laugh. Necrophilia is in this year. Don’t you watch True Blood? It’s basically a show about dead people fucking each other and so far I haven’t heard a qualm. It’s 2012, get over it.

• Shocking! The very aptly named “Happy Planet Index” shows that on the list of happiest countries on Earth, Argentina comes No. 17! You guys, that’s awesome! See? I told you those cacerolazos were nonsense. Everyone is happy here! Now, I have no idea how this is measured, how rigorous these studies are or how much bullshit factor is involved (not because I couldn’t find it, it’s all right there on the website. I just couldn’t be bothered to look it up). All I know is that if you live in the US, Mongolia or some landlocked African nation, chances are you are pretty pissed off right now.

• That cute little alpine town at the end of the world that you love so much (Ushuaia) is seemingly entering the Ice Age once again. Tierra del Fuego authorities reported that only last week it had already snowed half of what they would usually get in an entire season! People had to be evacuated and roads were closed, leaving the town completely isolated from the rest of the world. I’m not willing to bet on it, but I’m sure the people from the Happy Planet Index did not go all the way down there to ask how things were doing. Just saying.

• This week, in sports that I hate: Argentine football continues to
  

  Football. I fucking hate it. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  spiral down into utter chaos while I rub my hands in delight at the prospect of seeing that ignominious sport cancelled or constitutionally banned for good. Let’s read about it, shall we?

• River Plate is fucked. No, for real this time. As if last year’s relegation to the National B had not been enough, 2012 seems to be slapping fans in the face with a sledgehammer. Last Sunday, before a match between River Plate and some team named Boca Unidos that at first I thought it was Boca Juniors but then I realized it was not, two of River’s hooligan factions clashed inside the stadium, leaving one of them dead. That’s right, these guys are killing each other and they even root for the same team! The murderer was arrested today in Mendoza. So smart, these guys.

• **UPDATE** The internet peoples have kindly pointed out that, contrary to what the local media initially said, the stab victim was actually not a member of a hooligan faction. He was just a fan. Now, since I usually don’t give a shit about football I would have let it slide, but in this case we’re talking about someone’s death and this information had to be corrected.

• As rumors that the River Plate stadium could be shut down due to the murder were abound, a new controversy exploded this week after a player from the ignotus (at least for me) team Patronato de Paraná or something like that casually dropped during a press conference that River Plate authorities had offered them “incentives” (i.e. bribes) to win a match against Rosario Central for some reason. The nationwide outrage was immediate and now, if the accusations are proven true, River Plate could be facing a 4-month to 2-year suspension from all football activities. Oh, come on guys. That wouldn’t be so bad! I mean, there’s always tennis.

• A game between Gimnasia de la Plata and Ferro had to be suspended after someone, who I swear to God was not me but totally could have been, called in a bomb threat.

• Yeah, sorry. No Wikipedia links to Gimnasia de la Plata or Ferro. Oh, they do exist. I just didn’t care to do it.

• Diego Maradona, whose opinion for some reason that escapes logic still matters, felt compelled to intervene in Argentina’s favorite pastime: insulting Lionel Messi. ”If people here keep making his life miserable here, Messi is going to stay there (Spain) and never come back to Argentina,” he said. Haha! Maradona, you silly. What makes you think he ever wants to come back in the first place? You’re funny. You’re a funny guy. Why don’t you go back to winning trophies instead of talking about stuff no one cares about? Oh, that’s right.

• Last but not least: remember a couple of weeks ago when Frankenstein led a hooligan protest against the head of the Independiente club after he launched his own personal crusade to diminish the power of those deranged football fanatics? Well, he’s back! And this time, the man who goes by the non-threatening sobriquet “Bebote” (Big baby), may not be wearing a Frankenstein mask, but chose an equally intimidating fashion item: the pibe chorro hoodie. Not only that, he tried to face the bellwether president of the club, Javier Cantero, outside his club at night while the TV cameras were rolling. The result is scary and hilarious at the same time.

• So here I am, cigar in one hand, glass of port in the other, as I watch the world of Argentine football collapse upon its own gravity, like a decadent black hole struggling to survive its unavoidable fate while ravaging everything on its path. And I couldn’t be more ecstatic.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono