It’s Friday again!

And springtime is just two weeks away!

Which is a good thing, considering that this past weekend your face absorbed some much-needed UV rays and got a wonderful tan that only two days later made you look like an idiot because a cold front reminded us all that we are still in the middle of winter.

Give it a few more weeks and you’ll be able to get tanned without regrets.

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook in order to receive weekly updates about stuff.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, a guy you just heard of two days ago yet now you’re his greatest fan. Also not Jesus. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Is it OK to start with porn? I mean let’s face it, every newspaper in this country has tits and ass on the front page. There’s no reason to be squeamish, although if you’re easily offended by blatant displays of self-pleasuring activities, you should probably skip the next bullet point altogether. It is very NSFW. You have been warned. Also, I’d like to read your thoughts about what’s coming next. So feel free to comment below.

• Oh, no they didn’t! But yes, they absolutely did. President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner (as well as the 54% of this country’s population) is probably not amused by the latest stunt pulled by Miami-based Argento-Venezuelan rock band The Rockadictos, who either artfully or disrespectfully (that’s up to you) decided to feature our beloved Head of State on their latest controversial music video. The clip – shot in ‘comic mode’ – depicts Cristina as a clamor-hungry charismatic leader who finds herself overflowing with the eroticism of power and decides to vent the pressure building up inside of her in the only way she can. *rolls eyes* Yes, masturbation. Is it disrespectful? Maybe, although personally I don’t give a shit. Is it art? I’m not sure. Is it a desperate call for attention by a band that most of us never heard of before and is looking to spike their sales on iTunes? You bet. Whatever it is, it made it to the cover of Noticias. Well played, Rockadictos. Well played.

• Oh, and I almost forgot. US president Barack Obama is also involved in this upbeat tale of erotica, although not in the way you expect him to be, which is kind of a disappointment.

• Moving on to less relevant things: boy, were the anti-Kirchnerites pissed this week. The Cadena Nacional controversy hit the fan a few days ago when Cristina’s television omnipresence got in the way of Dancing With The Stars / Graduados / [Insert name of favorite TV show here]. For those of you slow learners, the Cadena Nacional is when all broadcast networks interrupt their programming to show a live presidential speech. Many presidents have resorted to this when they needed to address the nation in the past, but Cristina, like her Venezuelan compadre, is in love with it and may be slightly abusing it. And this of course had half of the Argentine population in an irate state, something I’m sure you’ve noticed by taking a glance at your Facebook/Twitter timelines recently. Last Monday, however, she crossed the line. In order to celebrate Industry Day which, yes, is as boring as it sounds, not only she interrupted everyone’s dinners, she also gave the most boring speech in the history of boring speeches. In her 60-minute soliloquy she didn’t yell, she didn’t laugh, she didn’t make a joke, she didn’t scold any of her minions. She just talked about industry stuff, which we all know sucks because it’s not tits and ass. Seriously, I dare you to watch that. It’s like being forced to sit through the training video of a cement company in Scottsbluff, Nebraska.

• So if you want to know why there was an impromptu cacerolazo last Monday night, that’s why. It wasn’t the restrictions on the dollar, it wasn’t the rampant inflation or the overall sense of collapse blanketing society as we speak. No, ladies and gentlemen. It was the inability to enjoy Dancing With The Stars. A doomed nation, we are.

• This traumatizing ordeal has of course left the anti-Kirchnerite mind in shambles and with the need to sleep with the lights on, for which they have once again galvanized behind a Facebook page to conduct a nationwide cacerolazo on Thursday the 13th. Just like the question-marked face of Anonymous, the cacerolazo movement has no leader, no bellwether leading the masses to reclaim the Plaza de Mayo from the sharp, raptor-like claws of the Kirchnerite reich. But people are going, man, they are going. And this time they don’t even need to carry a dirty frying pan sporting the unconsumed leftovers of omelettes past. Just like technology has saved countless lives in the Arab spring demonstrations or the jungles of Burma, the iPhone is here to make your case heard.

• The AFIP tax agency continues marching into dark territory as it expands yet once more its already Orwellian attributes. As you probably know, whenever Argentines return from their little orgasmic trip to the first world and come face to face with the Ezeiza gatekeepers, they are expected to show any electronic device that they may have shamelessly acquired in the land of happiness. If you paid more than 300 US dollars for your un-Argentine piece of machinery, then you are to be charged with 50% of its original price in concept of your treasonous activities. Why do you think whenever you foreigners leave temporarily you are always asked to bring back iPods, iPads, iPhones, iMacs and more iPods? This is why. And get ready, because it’s about to get worse, since the AFIP will now go through everyone’s purchases abroad to see if they “forgot” to declare a little trip to the Apple store. Stalin would be proud.

• The problem here is not that they are forcing everyone to pay their fair share of taxes, the problem is their “guilty until proven innocent” attitude. Let me put it this way: if the AFIP were in charge of solving a murder case in CSI: Miami, the first suspect (who’s usually a red herring) would get the death penalty within the first ten minutes of the episode, turning this show into an even more tedious experience than it already was. Think Horatio Cane is a douche? Picture Ricardo Echegaray delivering one of those cringing closing lines with a strong Argentine accent. “Avoid the tax? You get the axe.”

• Oh my God! I just used a bullet point with the sole purpose of expressing a personal opinion! Does this… does this mean I’m changing the rules?!

• No. Shut up.

• I forgot to mention that the AFIP also announced that only state-run banks are now allowed to offer currency exchange services at the Ezeiza airport. Sorry, currency exchange operators. I guess your business truly is a dying art. You can join the mime artists union and share stories of the good old days together.

• Let’s change the subject. Let’s talk about the Malvinas/Falklands conflict, which I haven’t mentioned in like two weeks and I already feel like I miss those guys.

• [DANGER] The legislative assembly of the Malvinas/Falklands has
  

  Shut up, you guys. This isn’t porn, OK? It’s a tasteful display of the female anatomy that is in no way done in order to attract more clicks. If you don’t believe me, ask InfoBAE. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  confirmed that they will carry a referendum on the islands to let the population officially say whether they wish to remain British or not. (Spoiler alert: the result will be a resounding “FUCK, YEAH”). The historic yet irrelevant vote will take place in March 2013 and will change absolutely nothing because Argentina has already said they will cover their ears and go la-la-la-la-la-la when the islanders read the result out loud.

• God, the sexual tension between these two countries is soooooooo strong. Just make out already.

• The government continues to inch closer to totalitarianism as it has now decided to cancel a tender that it had put out for companies to operate 25% of the mobile phone frequencies in Argentina. Remember the Patriot Act? Well, this is pretty much the same thing.

• Great news everyone! The National Government has announced that it will not put up to tender a 25% of the 3G network. Planning Minister Julio De Vido has insisted that “it is not a state takeover,” which of course means it totally is.

• The Buenos Aires Government has finally decided to catch up with the 00′s and announced that it will offer free Wi-Fi services inside the city’s public libraries. Which is great for the 78-year-old librarian working there. The rest of you fucks who haven’t set foot in a library since 2002 couldn’t care less about this.

• Also, September 24th has officially been declared a one-time holiday, which means you kids get another long weekend to engage in absolute mischief. I already explained why it’s being declared a holiday, but in case you didn’t pay attention the last time, here it is again.

• Yeah, you just got RickRoll’d. You should have paid attention the last time I explained it, bitch.

• Also, RickRolling is so 2010. I disgust myself.

• We all know that even though Argentina and the UK have to hots for each other, there’s no point denying that this country’s true love is the US and that’s why it hates it so much. If you examine the local customs you will find that everyone is dying to be just like Ross and Rachel in that awesome -yet suspiciously affordable- Manhattan apartment. So whenever we hear that someone in this country decided to extrapolate American pop culture to the Pampas, we hardly find it strange anymore. Starbucks is as Argentine as dulce de leche. This time, however, things may be different since some disturbed teenager decided he wanted to imitate the Batman thing. And by “thing” I don’t mean “becoming a douchy-voiced caped crusader”, I mean slaughtering a lot of people in a movie theater. You know how teens like Justin Bieber or Big Time Rush? Well, this guy likes James Holmes, so he decided he wanted to shoot an audience. Fortunately his plans were foiled though, and now he sucks. ”Where was this?” you say? I’m surprised you need to ask: the land of terror and despair, otherwise known as Salta.

• Remember last week when I mentioned how the Chubut police had
  

  James Holmes, who totally creeps me out. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  declared open season on seagulls and they received an immediate international backlash for its reprehensible attitude towards the provincial fauna? It seems that the force has had a change of heart and decided that it does love animals after all. And what better way to express that they are OK with zoophilia than a racy photo shoot involving scantily-clad girls and horses from the mounted police? Classy stuff. Really classy stuff. She looks like Xena: Warrior Princess only sluttier. Look out boys, she’s single!

• Signing a contract with Dancing With The Stars in 3… 2… 1…

• Finally Argentina is first at something, and that is the relatively enviable honor of being the country that spends the most time on Facebook. Hey, it could be worse. It could be MySpace.

• Ah, now here’s a guy that deserves a medal. Francisco, a Colombian cashier working at the La Pasiva restaurant, on Corrientes Av. 1700, refused to be robbed and decided to beat the shit out of the gun-toting criminal that was threatening to kill him. Well done, Francisco. I believe you’re dangerously insane, but well done nonetheless.

• Alright, kids. Let’s have a talk, come sit. *pats bed* Can you explain to me who Sri Sri Ravi Shankar is and why you’re so interested in him, specially when you didn’t even know he existed three hours ago? I know there’s this whole “Fevida” thing going on this weekend in which 100,000 people are expected to come out and learn how to meditate, but gimme a break. His face is plastered all over town, he’s present on every TV show and he has been trending on Twitter for the last four days. Can somebody please explain it to me? He’s almost as big as Jesus. He even looks like Jesus! Is this spiritual leader one to be tru…- Oh, we knew this was coming.

• Last but not least: either the media is desperate to see Juan Martín del Potro and Andy Roddick engaging in gay porn, or there really is something going on between these two. As Juan Martín managed to beat Andy Roddick at the US Open this week, they both melted in a warm embrace and touched each other awkwardly to celebrate that this was the American tennis player’s last game of his career. What follows is their heartbreaking goodbye, according to the media present there: here, here, here and here. And my personal favorite, which I have labeled “I will miss your face so much.”

• Oh and please don’t send me those lengthy emails explaining how they were “just being friendly” and that there’s nothing wrong with two guys expressing their fondness for each other. I know that. It’s a joke. I believe Del Potro demonstrated to be a hell of a sportsman. So stop. Please just stop.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

Put on your Sunday clothes, kids (even though it’s Friday again)!

Because as of today, we may be welcoming several members of the US Embassy staff who promised they would check out this column out of curiosity, which of course does not put me under an incredible amount of pressure at all.

Also, they may have totally forgotten about it, so I guess we’ll never know.

Well, whatever the case may be, please remember that everything I say here is meant to be funny first and informative second. Oh, and also incredibly offensive. So please don’t have me shipped to Guantanamo, it’s all in good spirit!

Here’s what you need to know:

• 

  You don’t know who this man is, even though you should. So I don’t care how bad you feel about your ignorance, I’m still not telling you. Figure it out yourself. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Well, they finally happened. The presidential primary elections took place last week, and the result was mind blowing. I mean, first of all let me say that these were some atypical primaries, since each party presented only one candidate. This meant no one was running against anyone, a situation that turned this whole clusterfuck into one big unofficial poll to see how many people would vote for each candidate. The result was a jaw-dropping 50.06% support for the Fernández de Kirchner administration, a historic level since the return of democracy. The opposition, which clearly sucks, is now running scared since no miracle is going to help them change that result. Which means that the President has pretty much been reelected, even though she hasn’t really been reelected. Get it? I know, democracy is a complex thing.

• Speaking of miracle, remember when I told you last week about the Twitter campaign “#unmilagroparaaltamira”? Well, it happened! He got the necessary votes in order to run for president in October! Now let’s all crush him to death and humiliate him by not voting for him in two months.

• Fernández de Kirchner’s resounding victory, of course, prompted current Economy Minister and future Vice-President Amado Boudou (seen here looking vice-presidential and here looking like a douchebag) to celebrate the way he always does: by forgetting he’s almost 50 years old and jumping on top of a lot of young people who will carry him around. And the fact that I hate this guy has nothing to do with the fact that his girlfriend is super hot.

• For some mysterious motive that we may never come to fully understand, when everyone at the Fernández de Kirchner campaign headquarters heard that exit polls around 7 pm were predicting a landslide victory by the President, the Kennedy Choir, who was present there for some reason, decided to gift the crowd with their own version of Mary Poppins’ Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. It was a terrifying, off-key experience that probably branded several of those kids for life, and we should never mention it again. Ever.

• A long, long time ago, back when Argentina was still a country the first world didn’t give a shit about (the 90′s) there was a president here called Carlos Menem who many believe is in large part responsible for the 2001 economic debacle. Once he left office, he became a senator and people know he’s still out there somewhere, but no one really cares about him anymore. His name, however, has become synonym with bad luck, so whenever you name him or hear someone call his name you have you touch one of your testicles (if you’re a man) or one of your boobs (if you’re a woman or just a fat guy with boobs) in order to “break the curse.” So the media was having a blast this week after this photo, in which Menem is seen greeting the authorities at a polling station, and the man’s reaction is to “break the curse.” Haha! Old people are fun.

• President Fernandez de Kirchner welcomed Colombian president Juan Manuel Santos this week in his first official visit since he took office. Of course, all you care about Colombia is getting drunk on the beach and avoid getting kidnapped by the FARC. Things like the new bilateral agreements signed by both presidents in order to increase farming, trade and science developments… That… that you can live without.

• Just so you know, Mayor Macri has announced that he’s planning on raising taxes next year, and Domestic Trade Secretary Guillermo Moreno has cleared the meat and poultry industries to raise prices as well. Remember that time you were so desperate because you couldn’t get a work permit here that you began considering prostitution? Well, now would be a good time to start reconsidering.

• Haha. Aren’t you hating that it’s all politics so far? By now I’m usually talking about some new embarrassing video on the local version of Dancing with the Stars. Oh well. It’s been an election week, deal with it.

• Which reminds me: this week on Dancing with the Stars (heh!), the population was horrified by the lewd, disgusting and distasteful pole-dancing choreography performed by Mónica Farro, which many considered to be borderline porn. TV’s were turned off around the country as a sign of protest that night, and hours later, after everyone went to bed, millions of hormonal teenagers and unhappy, middle-aged men turned to You Tube to watch it again so they could protest in the morning once more.

• Remember Tano Pasman? That lovable football fan whose lack of anger
  

  Former President Carlos Menem. Oh! You read his name! You know what to do now. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  management sessions took him to a near-stroke situation in every game? Of course you do, this is the only kind of news you care about! Well, anyway. Not only he’s doing “twitcams” now every time he watches a game, but he also has a blog, he ‘s on every football-related TV show and even has a newspaper column. Is he overkilling it? According to The Simpsons, and that episode with the “I didn’t do it” skit, yes. He used to be funny, now it’s just sad.

• Now that gay people can get married here and the world didn’t end after all children automatically turned homosexual, like all conservatives predicted, there’s a new bill headed to Congress looking to grant identity rights to transgender people. So here’s a nice little campaign ad (with English subtitles) that’s certainly gonna make the heads of religious freaks explode.

• Remember last month when River Plate was relegated to the National B and hooligans pretty much burned down the City, so government officials and AFA directives assured the football club would be “severely punished” for what had happened? Well guess what! It’s been over a month and no one remembers about it anymore, so there’s no need to punish them. Yay, football!

• And here’s some piece of advice to all you stoners out there: if you’re going to be stupid enough to grow your own pot, or even worse, grow it and sell it, try to do it somewhere out of sight.