It’s Friday again!

And springtime is just two weeks away!

Which is a good thing, considering that this past weekend your face absorbed some much-needed UV rays and got a wonderful tan that only two days later made you look like an idiot because a cold front reminded us all that we are still in the middle of winter.

Give it a few more weeks and you’ll be able to get tanned without regrets.

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook in order to receive weekly updates about stuff.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, a guy you just heard of two days ago yet now you’re his greatest fan. Also not Jesus. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Is it OK to start with porn? I mean let’s face it, every newspaper in this country has tits and ass on the front page. There’s no reason to be squeamish, although if you’re easily offended by blatant displays of self-pleasuring activities, you should probably skip the next bullet point altogether. It is very NSFW. You have been warned. Also, I’d like to read your thoughts about what’s coming next. So feel free to comment below.

• Oh, no they didn’t! But yes, they absolutely did. President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner (as well as the 54% of this country’s population) is probably not amused by the latest stunt pulled by Miami-based Argento-Venezuelan rock band The Rockadictos, who either artfully or disrespectfully (that’s up to you) decided to feature our beloved Head of State on their latest controversial music video. The clip – shot in ‘comic mode’ – depicts Cristina as a clamor-hungry charismatic leader who finds herself overflowing with the eroticism of power and decides to vent the pressure building up inside of her in the only way she can. *rolls eyes* Yes, masturbation. Is it disrespectful? Maybe, although personally I don’t give a shit. Is it art? I’m not sure. Is it a desperate call for attention by a band that most of us never heard of before and is looking to spike their sales on iTunes? You bet. Whatever it is, it made it to the cover of Noticias. Well played, Rockadictos. Well played.

• Oh, and I almost forgot. US president Barack Obama is also involved in this upbeat tale of erotica, although not in the way you expect him to be, which is kind of a disappointment.

• Moving on to less relevant things: boy, were the anti-Kirchnerites pissed this week. The Cadena Nacional controversy hit the fan a few days ago when Cristina’s television omnipresence got in the way of Dancing With The Stars / Graduados / [Insert name of favorite TV show here]. For those of you slow learners, the Cadena Nacional is when all broadcast networks interrupt their programming to show a live presidential speech. Many presidents have resorted to this when they needed to address the nation in the past, but Cristina, like her Venezuelan compadre, is in love with it and may be slightly abusing it. And this of course had half of the Argentine population in an irate state, something I’m sure you’ve noticed by taking a glance at your Facebook/Twitter timelines recently. Last Monday, however, she crossed the line. In order to celebrate Industry Day which, yes, is as boring as it sounds, not only she interrupted everyone’s dinners, she also gave the most boring speech in the history of boring speeches. In her 60-minute soliloquy she didn’t yell, she didn’t laugh, she didn’t make a joke, she didn’t scold any of her minions. She just talked about industry stuff, which we all know sucks because it’s not tits and ass. Seriously, I dare you to watch that. It’s like being forced to sit through the training video of a cement company in Scottsbluff, Nebraska.

• So if you want to know why there was an impromptu cacerolazo last Monday night, that’s why. It wasn’t the restrictions on the dollar, it wasn’t the rampant inflation or the overall sense of collapse blanketing society as we speak. No, ladies and gentlemen. It was the inability to enjoy Dancing With The Stars. A doomed nation, we are.

• This traumatizing ordeal has of course left the anti-Kirchnerite mind in shambles and with the need to sleep with the lights on, for which they have once again galvanized behind a Facebook page to conduct a nationwide cacerolazo on Thursday the 13th. Just like the question-marked face of Anonymous, the cacerolazo movement has no leader, no bellwether leading the masses to reclaim the Plaza de Mayo from the sharp, raptor-like claws of the Kirchnerite reich. But people are going, man, they are going. And this time they don’t even need to carry a dirty frying pan sporting the unconsumed leftovers of omelettes past. Just like technology has saved countless lives in the Arab spring demonstrations or the jungles of Burma, the iPhone is here to make your case heard.

• The AFIP tax agency continues marching into dark territory as it expands yet once more its already Orwellian attributes. As you probably know, whenever Argentines return from their little orgasmic trip to the first world and come face to face with the Ezeiza gatekeepers, they are expected to show any electronic device that they may have shamelessly acquired in the land of happiness. If you paid more than 300 US dollars for your un-Argentine piece of machinery, then you are to be charged with 50% of its original price in concept of your treasonous activities. Why do you think whenever you foreigners leave temporarily you are always asked to bring back iPods, iPads, iPhones, iMacs and more iPods? This is why. And get ready, because it’s about to get worse, since the AFIP will now go through everyone’s purchases abroad to see if they “forgot” to declare a little trip to the Apple store. Stalin would be proud.

• The problem here is not that they are forcing everyone to pay their fair share of taxes, the problem is their “guilty until proven innocent” attitude. Let me put it this way: if the AFIP were in charge of solving a murder case in CSI: Miami, the first suspect (who’s usually a red herring) would get the death penalty within the first ten minutes of the episode, turning this show into an even more tedious experience than it already was. Think Horatio Cane is a douche? Picture Ricardo Echegaray delivering one of those cringing closing lines with a strong Argentine accent. “Avoid the tax? You get the axe.”

• Oh my God! I just used a bullet point with the sole purpose of expressing a personal opinion! Does this… does this mean I’m changing the rules?!

• No. Shut up.

• I forgot to mention that the AFIP also announced that only state-run banks are now allowed to offer currency exchange services at the Ezeiza airport. Sorry, currency exchange operators. I guess your business truly is a dying art. You can join the mime artists union and share stories of the good old days together.

• Let’s change the subject. Let’s talk about the Malvinas/Falklands conflict, which I haven’t mentioned in like two weeks and I already feel like I miss those guys.

• [DANGER] The legislative assembly of the Malvinas/Falklands has
  

  Shut up, you guys. This isn’t porn, OK? It’s a tasteful display of the female anatomy that is in no way done in order to attract more clicks. If you don’t believe me, ask InfoBAE. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  confirmed that they will carry a referendum on the islands to let the population officially say whether they wish to remain British or not. (Spoiler alert: the result will be a resounding “FUCK, YEAH”). The historic yet irrelevant vote will take place in March 2013 and will change absolutely nothing because Argentina has already said they will cover their ears and go la-la-la-la-la-la when the islanders read the result out loud.

• God, the sexual tension between these two countries is soooooooo strong. Just make out already.

• The government continues to inch closer to totalitarianism as it has now decided to cancel a tender that it had put out for companies to operate 25% of the mobile phone frequencies in Argentina. Remember the Patriot Act? Well, this is pretty much the same thing.

• Great news everyone! The National Government has announced that it will not put up to tender a 25% of the 3G network. Planning Minister Julio De Vido has insisted that “it is not a state takeover,” which of course means it totally is.

• The Buenos Aires Government has finally decided to catch up with the 00′s and announced that it will offer free Wi-Fi services inside the city’s public libraries. Which is great for the 78-year-old librarian working there. The rest of you fucks who haven’t set foot in a library since 2002 couldn’t care less about this.

• Also, September 24th has officially been declared a one-time holiday, which means you kids get another long weekend to engage in absolute mischief. I already explained why it’s being declared a holiday, but in case you didn’t pay attention the last time, here it is again.

• Yeah, you just got RickRoll’d. You should have paid attention the last time I explained it, bitch.

• Also, RickRolling is so 2010. I disgust myself.

• We all know that even though Argentina and the UK have to hots for each other, there’s no point denying that this country’s true love is the US and that’s why it hates it so much. If you examine the local customs you will find that everyone is dying to be just like Ross and Rachel in that awesome -yet suspiciously affordable- Manhattan apartment. So whenever we hear that someone in this country decided to extrapolate American pop culture to the Pampas, we hardly find it strange anymore. Starbucks is as Argentine as dulce de leche. This time, however, things may be different since some disturbed teenager decided he wanted to imitate the Batman thing. And by “thing” I don’t mean “becoming a douchy-voiced caped crusader”, I mean slaughtering a lot of people in a movie theater. You know how teens like Justin Bieber or Big Time Rush? Well, this guy likes James Holmes, so he decided he wanted to shoot an audience. Fortunately his plans were foiled though, and now he sucks. ”Where was this?” you say? I’m surprised you need to ask: the land of terror and despair, otherwise known as Salta.

• Remember last week when I mentioned how the Chubut police had
  

  James Holmes, who totally creeps me out. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  declared open season on seagulls and they received an immediate international backlash for its reprehensible attitude towards the provincial fauna? It seems that the force has had a change of heart and decided that it does love animals after all. And what better way to express that they are OK with zoophilia than a racy photo shoot involving scantily-clad girls and horses from the mounted police? Classy stuff. Really classy stuff. She looks like Xena: Warrior Princess only sluttier. Look out boys, she’s single!

• Signing a contract with Dancing With The Stars in 3… 2… 1…

• Finally Argentina is first at something, and that is the relatively enviable honor of being the country that spends the most time on Facebook. Hey, it could be worse. It could be MySpace.

• Ah, now here’s a guy that deserves a medal. Francisco, a Colombian cashier working at the La Pasiva restaurant, on Corrientes Av. 1700, refused to be robbed and decided to beat the shit out of the gun-toting criminal that was threatening to kill him. Well done, Francisco. I believe you’re dangerously insane, but well done nonetheless.

• Alright, kids. Let’s have a talk, come sit. *pats bed* Can you explain to me who Sri Sri Ravi Shankar is and why you’re so interested in him, specially when you didn’t even know he existed three hours ago? I know there’s this whole “Fevida” thing going on this weekend in which 100,000 people are expected to come out and learn how to meditate, but gimme a break. His face is plastered all over town, he’s present on every TV show and he has been trending on Twitter for the last four days. Can somebody please explain it to me? He’s almost as big as Jesus. He even looks like Jesus! Is this spiritual leader one to be tru…- Oh, we knew this was coming.

• Last but not least: either the media is desperate to see Juan Martín del Potro and Andy Roddick engaging in gay porn, or there really is something going on between these two. As Juan Martín managed to beat Andy Roddick at the US Open this week, they both melted in a warm embrace and touched each other awkwardly to celebrate that this was the American tennis player’s last game of his career. What follows is their heartbreaking goodbye, according to the media present there: here, here, here and here. And my personal favorite, which I have labeled “I will miss your face so much.”

• Oh and please don’t send me those lengthy emails explaining how they were “just being friendly” and that there’s nothing wrong with two guys expressing their fondness for each other. I know that. It’s a joke. I believe Del Potro demonstrated to be a hell of a sportsman. So stop. Please just stop.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

It’s Friday again!

And today is of course a very special day for all of us!

No, I’m not talking about today being another holiday to commemorate the death of Argentina’s forefather José de San Martín (which, by the way, was moved to Monday to make it a long weekend for some reason. Wouldn’t Friday be the same thing?).

No, the reason is that this column is turning two years old this week!

It was almost two years ago that out of a drunken epiphany I decided to create a weekly summary of Argentine news for the average (i.e. lazy) expats who took pride in claiming that they didn’t care who the president of this country was.

Hence the first Weekly News Roundup (seen here) was born on a cold, rainy morning of August 20th, 2010.

It was a short, unfunny, half-assed attempt at writing something different that only got two comments, one of them from a friend of mine (meaning it doesn’t count) and the other from some guy who congratulated me for being “very optimist” (I assume he meant optimistic). And look! I hadn’t even adopted the name “Bono” as my nom de plume!

But despite the public’s intentional indifference I persisted because I pretty much had nothing better to do with my life, and a few years, a lot of practice and a lot of hate mail later, this column evolved naturally into the beautiful, stylistic piece of shit prose that it is today.

So even though it’s only 9 AM, I raise my glass and salute you, my loyal readers/detractors who week after week come to this column to laugh/become infected with rage.

This is only the beginning.

And remember to like our Weekly News Roundup Facebook page so you can keep up with the coming changes.

Oh! And I almost forgot: I’m going away on vacation this weekend so don’t expect a Weekly News Roundup next Friday.

I know, scary right? It’s like when you were little and you lost your mom in the amusement park. You knew she would come back eventually because it’s a closed environment, but in the meantime it was up to you to survive.

Well, that’s you next week. Make me proud.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Three weeks ago no one gave a shit about Taekwondo. Some guy winds a gold medal. Now everyone’s a fan. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, who never lets a photo op go to waste, welcomed in Casa Rosada the Argentine athletes who competed in the London 2012 Olympics and, flanked by new national hero and only gold winner Sebastián Crismanich, boasted that since the Kirchners took over in 2003 Argentina has won a total of 16 medals. Sure, when you say it like that you naturally go “That’s it?”, but considering that in the 44 years before the country had only obtained fourteen, she was proud to congratulate those that with perseverance, honor, courage and self-confidence had brought joy to their nation.

• Then of course she fucked it all up by applauding the women’s national field hockey team for kicking the UK’s ass in the Olympics. “When you defeated England, it was like winning a gold medal. It’s a good thing you won! Otherwise I would have been so upset!” she laughed. Hah! Nothing like some healthy incitement to xenophobia in the hands of a charismatic leader. I can’t wait to see what she has in store for Rio 2016.

• Everyone’s favorite mischievous Vice-President Amado Boudou had the dubious honor of being included in a list of trouble-making veeps from around the world published this week on Foreign Policy. Along with Boudou are four other VP superstars, including Sierra Leone’s Samuel Sam-Sumana and Sudan’s Ali Osman Taha. It’s like the international affairs version of The Breakfast Club, in which Boudou is obviously Emilio Estevez and Sam-Sumana is a machete-wielding Judd Nelson. I don’t know about you but I would totally pay to go see that.

• Now, I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about what was probably the biggest story of the week, involving the Indec national statistics agency and their infamous report saying that you can eat with only $6 pesos a day. Even though most of the media coverage surrounding that story was not entirely accurate, everyone knows their inflation index is nothing short of a joke. So the Argentine chapter of the hacktivist group Anonymous, obviously not amused but such a blatant display of disregard for the public’s intelligence, decided that it was fair game to hack the Indec’s website, just for shits and giggles.

• After the most nightmarish and paralyzing week to have ever been experienced in Buenos Aires since the Toddy cookies disappeared from the shelves, the subway workers came to a “feeble” agreement with the City Government and Metrovías after ten days of strike. The most important part of this paragraph is the word “feeble,” since it means chances are we’ll be dealing with another strike in just a couple of weeks.

• As further evidence that this is a ticking time bomb of unfathomable proportions, the City government has announced that five new subway stations have been finished but cannot be opened to the public because there aren’t enough trains.

• Jesus, just shut down the whole thing and leave it there. Don’t you watch scary movies? Worst case scenario, it becomes a hideout for comic book villains and mutant creatures that feed on homeless people. At $2.50 a ride that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

• Now that the Olympics are over and Argentine athletes don’t have to worry about being deported from England before obtaining any medals, we can all go back to the usual bickering about the Malvinas/Falklands. Newspapers around the country were horrified over the impending arrival of a warship to the islands this week that they themselves announced only a few months ago and now seemed to have completely forgotten about it.

• And because one Malvinas/Falklands-related scandal a week is obviously not enough, the local media decided to run a shocking non-story accusing the Uruguayans of referring to the islands as “Falklands” instead of “Malvinas,” as any respectable non-imperialist Latin nation would do. The preposterous and offensive error was found in some random document no one gives a shit about and was clearly the result of an hungover intern, but that did’t stop the local press from pretty much accusing the Uruguayans of treason. Fortunately President José Mujíca apologized in time before both nations broke relations and announced he would launch “an official investigation”. No, he did. Like, for real.

• Awesome news, everyone! Finally here’s something you can show your parents so they can shut up about how you’re throwing your life away in some South American city that is slowly spinning into the boiling rivers of the Underworld. According to prestigious magazine “The Economist,” Buenos Aires has been picked as Latin America’s best city to live in. In your face, Brazilian Buenos Aires!

• And those of you who complained about the current state of things in this country and moved to Uruguay, you can stay there. We don’t want you back.

• The Córdoba province, not content with trying to expel all prostitutes from its sovereign territory a few weeks ago, is now openly warning that if you have an “amputated penis” you cannot join the police force. That’s right, transsexuals! If you wanna be a cop you gotta take it like a man. That means: have a penis. The new regulation also rejects people who are missing one finger, have diabetes or a stutter. Keep making everyone proud, Córdoba! I can’t wait for you to outlaw divorce and reinstate the use of leeches for curing cancer.

• And speaking of fucked up provinces, remember Salta? You can now add this to the list of weird crimes taking place there. Seriously that place needs its own special CSI unit. Just stay away from it.

• Ready to be enraged? Here’s a domestic violence video that was all over the news and went viral this week showing a coward asshole beating his ex-wife in front of their daughter.

• Ready to be enraged even more? His only punishment is to stay away from the woman for 90 days.

• As more cases like these continue to surface, at least one political party has reacted in some sort of way and called for Congress to declare a national emergency on gender violence, since according to a new report cases have increased a 57% in the last two years.

• OK, this is the part you don’t want your parents to know about. Just stick to the article on The Economist and you’ll be fine.

• This week, in Completely Unnecessary Displays of Self-confidence:
  

  You will never look at Delacroix’s painting the same way after being exposed to Moria Casán’s intoxicating photographs. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  former erotica star and current wrinkled grandmother Moria Casán wants you to know that she is not losing any sleep over accusations that she stole an $80,000 necklace from a Paraguayan jeweler. So she agreed to a racy and gag-inducing photo shoot for Noticias magazine, in which she impersonates Lady Liberty herself, spear in hand and Phrygian cap on wig. The photos are NSFW but don’t worry, the worst parts are censored, praise Jesus. Just make sure you don’t click on that link with the lights off.

• Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

• Agh, who am I kidding. I wasn’t even gonna go.

• And regarding football: it’s been awfully quiet lately. It’s almost as if such dead calm is announcing a coming storm that will explode in a ravaging sea of fire and fury, destroying everything in its path until no living thing is left standing. The hooligans are silent, the players aren’t engaging in prostitution scandals and the sports commentators are surprisingly accurate during the games. So since there’s nothing interesting to tell, here’s the gruesome video of a leg fracture during an Argentinos Juniors match last weekend. Enjoy!

It’s Friday again!

And the British are coming! So before I have to go all Paul Revere on your asses and warn you that we’re about to be invaded (or the opposite, if you trust Sarah Palin’s version), I suggest you read this, go get some weapons, canned food, get laid and wait for the nuclear bombs to drop.

Haha, I’m kidding of course.

Nuclear bombs aren’t dropped, they are smuggled illegally into the country.

Anyway, this is what you need to know:

• 

  Do you have one of these? ‘Cause if you do, you’re fucked. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Roll out the red carpet, kids! The UN’s highest ranking official, Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon was visiting Argentina this week, and while we were ready to celebrate his arrival with all the pomp and splendor available, all our plans went to shit when that fucking ash cloud hovering above Buenos Aires forced his plane to be rerouted to Córdoba. What followed was basically an embarrassing string of fuck-ups that evidenced how scarily unprepared the UN personnel is when they have to break protocol. So I guess pretty much everyone was smiling awkwardly when UN officials released photos of the most important man in their organization having a simple breakfast in some random gas station on the side of the road. Don’t worry though, he made it safely to Buenos Aires in a very average and forgettable way.

• Hold on to your passports, Brits! Because the shit’s about to hit the fan and it ain’t gonna be pretty. During Moon’s visit, President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner seized the opportunity to renew Argentina’s sovereignty claims over the Malvinas/Falkland Islands, which, in case you don’t know, are the reason Argentina went to war with Great Britain in 1982. And of course, after urging once more the British government to follow UN mandate and resume sovereignty talks, Primer Minister David Cameron got pissed and while speaking at the House of Commons, he said that there were no more discussions to be held, “end of story.” This outburst caused Fernandez de Kirchner to freak out and call Cameron’s statements “either mediocre or almost stupid,” and Great Britain a “decadent, colonialist power.” Uh-oh! Can you hear the bombs dropping? You will soon, if this stupid escalation continues.

• To make matters worse, and for some reason we’re still trying to figure out, a resident from the Malvinas/Falklands Islands showed up at Argentina’s doorstep asking to be recognized as an Argentine citizen, since he considers that the archipelago should not belong to Great Britain. Of course, the President held a televised ceremony in which she granted him with a DNI identity card while everyone clapped and cheered. Don’t judge her though, this is basic Machiavelli. It’s reelection time and the best thing you can do to gather votes is rally all the idiots behind a national cause.

• Remember that embarrassing scandal that broke several months ago,
  

  Do you have one of these? You’re in luck! (Photo/Wikipedia)

  in which the local government accused the US Air Force of trying to smuggle illegal weaponry and expired medications into the country, creating a diplomatic row that escalated to Barack Obama himself asking for his stuff back? Well, it’s finally over! Argentina returned the stuff, the US admitted they had “fucked up” (not an actual quote) with some paperwork and now everybody’s happy again. Yay! Now we can find a new reason to hate Obama!

• The Puyehue volcano has not stopped erupting in two weeks, and has pretty much fucked up the southern half of the country. With popular tourist destinations like Villa La Angostura and Bariloche already declaring the state of emergency due to the millions and millions of losses in crops, cattle and tourism, things aren’t looking brighter in the near future for the Patagonia population. There’s a silver lining, however, since it is rumored that hotel owners in the area are planning on lowering their hotel rates on a 40% so cheap travelers like you get to exploit their disgrace by paying a few miserable coins for top-notch accommodation, and laugh it up while doing it.

• In related news, President Fernández de Kirchner’s once again showed off her brilliant diplomatic skills, and while offering a joint press conference with the UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon at the Government House, she told him that this whole mess with the volcano “was Chile’s fault,” since the Puyehue is located on THEIR territory. The Secretary General had no choice but to giggle nervously. So you can add “Chileans” to the list of people trying to destroy this country.

• Man, the President can’t catch a break. As the criminal case involving the Mothers of the Plaza de Mayo organization continues to expose a intricate web of corruption deeply rooted within the foundation, a new scandal broke out this week involving the heads of the Inadi anti-discrimination agency. The organization’s vice-chair, LGBT activist María Rachid, accused chair Claudio Morgado of using state funds for personal profit, while he replied by accusing her of giving her “unqualified girlfriend” a job within the agency. He also said she was “ruthlessly ambitious” and that “she was like a Pac-Man. She kept eating, and eating, and eating.” And this from the guy heading the state’s anti-discrimination agency. Ha! Te irony.

• How many times how I told you, kids? These films aren’t real! Unfortunately stupid people abound in this world, so when you give us men the chance to drive a Ferrari and drive at 1,000,000 kilometers/hour through the busy streets of Buenos Aires, you think we’re gonna pass on it? Hell, no! That’s exactly what happened a few days ago in San Isidro, when some idiot decided to break the sound barrier while driving a Ferrari down a busy avenue. The asshole lost control of the car, crossed lanes and collided with another car driving in the opposite direction. So now the driver of the other car is in critical condition and even if she makes it, it may take her over a year to walk again. Oh, and the guy behind the wheel? Apparently “he didn’t own the car” and he was just taking it for a ride! He now owes $200,000. Haha! Karma’s a bitch.

• Peruvian president-elect Ollanta Humala visited Argentina this week,
  

  I’m pretty sure you don’t know who this guy is. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  and besides overtly expressing his support for the Mercosur he also stat-…you don’t give a shit about this, do you? Yeah, I thought so. Alright, let’s just skip the whole thing.

• Some Argentine guy just discovered that black holes have existed since the beginning of time, and for some reason that’s a huge fucking deal. I, however, remain unimpressed.

• Attention ladies (and gay guys)! Uruguayan football star and weird-face/hot-body combination stud Diego Forlán broke off his engagement with totally fuckable delicate lady Zaira Nara a month before the wedding (sorry, I tried linking her name to a Wikipedia entry, but there’s no English version. There is, however, a version in some weird language that I believe is Sanskrit, but what the fuck do I know. Random). Anyway, after she announced her decision to call off the wedding via Twitter (of course) with a very mysterious “It’s a good thing I didn’t get married!” all sorts of speculation began, with people doubting Forlan’s heterosexuality (which is stupid, we all know there are no gay players in the football world. Right?) or accusing Nara of being a money-hungry whore. In the end, it seems it all ended because she refused to sign a prenuptial agreement. So I guess some of the rumors were right, after all.

• Update: Thanks to one of our readers (Matías), I have learned that the mysterious language is not Sanskrit, but Armenian. Although I’m sure it’s all the same to you.

• Boca Juniors legend and geriatric player Martín Palermo (seen here in a memorable file photo) finally died retired last Sunday, with a very touching, emotional post-match celebration. As a parting gift, the Boca Juniors authorities decided to give him one of the goal (as in the the actual goal) which despite being a nice symbolic gesture, it is totally inconvenient to carry home. Whatever.

• And finally, one last piece of news about that shitty sport, football: the Albanian national team is apparently playing against Argentina next Monday, and for some reason I don’t know (and didn’t care to research), they are sending a bunch of unknown people because their real players are staying in Europe for some more important stuff, like losing their virginity in one of the million Enver Hoxha-era bunkers scattered around the country. And don’t worry, I don’t expect you to get the joke, know who Hoxha was or even know where Albania is. So shut up.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com  or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And what a fucked up week it’s been. Volcanic eruptions, political scandals and even a visit by Ricky Martin! I’m not sure Argentina can take all of this at once. Of course, half of you readers wouldn’t know since you’re still stuck on the other side of the world, unable to fly to South America because those sissy airlines refuse to fly through a harmless ash cloud.

So, since one half is stuck abroad and the other half doesn’t give a shit about what happens around here and just read this for its comedic value, all I can do is let you know of all the awesomeness(*) going on around here, that you unfortunately will not be able to enjoy.

• 

  Thanks to those bastards at Reuters, I can’t use a photo of the Puyehue volcano, so you’ll have to settle with one from some volcano from around the world. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  So here’s what you need to know:The Rapture is slowly getting here! After several decades of remaining dormant, the Puyehue Volcano in Chile erupted again this week, pretty much fucking up everybody’s lives. From the bucolic people of Bariloche to the altered residents of Buenos Aires, an ash cloud spewed by the angry giant covered the entire half of the country. Domestic and international flights were cancelled, pissing off a lot of people who were hoping to fly here for something called the Copa America, and crops around Patagonia were ruined under a thick layer of ash. So, the country has been a mess for a week and we don’t even know if the worst is over. I mean, we all know how Dante’s Peak ended. And I’m not talking about that ridiculous “hiding in the mine” thing, I’m talking about that big-ass pyroclastic cloud blowing up shit. So let’s see how it all plays out.

• Oh, by the way, President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner gave a speech on the dangers that the ash cloud poses to your health, and she assured that it’s all psychological. So there, there’s nothing to worry about.

• Argentina launched the SAT-D Aquarius spy satellite today, which will measure the ocean’s salinity. How does that help? I have no idea, but the government put up a whole show this morning with President Fernandez de Kirchner acting as a host, a situation that brought us many laughable moments, like when she started freaking out about an “unexpected explosion” during the launch, while the guys at NASA overseeing the launch scratched their heads, wondering what the fuck she was freaking out about. Congrats, though, Argentina!

• A garbage men strike once again affected Buenos Aires this week, which meant we had to put up with an awful smell and some big-ass flies for several days until it was all resolved. What was it about this time? Something about a dead guy? I don’t know. Quite frankly, I don’t give a shit anymore.

• Thinking of expressing your support for your favorite politician but can’t come up with an original way to do so? Well, think no more! Just do what a Neuquen government official did a week before their mayoral elections: soft porn! 40-year old Alejandra Oehrens decided to attract attention to her Facebook page in support of the opposition’s candidate by having these photos taken of her in a school girl dress. So there you have it. Embarrassing AND adorable (and gross).

• Remember last week’s big announcement about the Metrobus? That new, safe, fast, clean, transportation service that takes people from Palermo to Liniers in the blink of an eye? Yeah, well, it was involved in two traffic accidents this week. Good one, Mr. Mayor!

• Manchester City superstar and forgettable singer Carlos Tevez

  Coolest guy in the world Carlos Tevez (Photo/Wikipedia)

  returned to Argentina this week to take part in something called Copa America (whatever that is), and decided to pop up at his former cumbia band’s show this week. And you know what? He may be a horrible singer and speak the worst English in the world, but there’s nothing this guy can do to make me dislike him. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s the first one to laugh at himself or something, but I love this guy, even if he plays the sport that shall not be named.

• Formerly straight and currently gay rockstar Ricky Martin visited Argentina and met with President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and Susana Gimenez (AKA “the white, South American Oprah“). But you see, even though Susana totally seems to get along with “the gays,” she still seemed a bit awkward discussing his sexuality and avoided calling him “a gay,” so she just keep questioning him about “his problem,” which brought criticism from everyone (except Catholics) for her archaic and borderline-insulting comments. It’s alright though, at least she didn’t ask if gay adoption could lead to gay parents raping their child, like TV host Mirtha Legrand did.

• You know how some of you snobs keep saying that you “love Puerto Madero because it’s chic and safe”? Well, let me tell you something: Chic? Please, It’s the biggest nouveau-riche conglomerate in the country. And safe? Sure! It’s so safe that today, these robbers pulled a Home Alone, ransacked an entire apartment in broad daylight and weren’t even shot! That’s how safe it is.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com  or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

(*) = For all you locals, I’m sorry to tell you, there’s no awesomeness going on.

It’s Friday Thursday again!

Yeah, in case you haven’t noticed, the WNR is available on a Thursday and not on a Friday this week, but don’t panic, it’s just for this week since Friday is a holiday and I really don’t feel like working.

So, instead of just saying “No WNR this week,” I decided to upload them early just for you. Remember that next time you send me an email telling me to go fuck myself.

Anyway, everyone is anxiously waiting for the Holy Weekend, not because we’re eager to observe the resurrection of Jesus Christ, but because it gives us all the chance to go out and get drunk for four nights in a row! And on top of that, we all get together on Sunday to eat some chocolate Easter eggs, punishing our livers to the point where we all need transplants.

So, before you wake up covered in vomit while hugging some really, really dirty toilet in one of the popular expat bars at 7 AM on Sunday, here’s what you need to know:

Hallelujah! Jesus apparently came back to life on a weekend like this, but you probably don’t give a shit. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• Do you know about the Cromañón tragedy? On December 30th 2004, a fire broke out in a nightclub where the rock band Callejeros was playing, killing 194 people and injuring over a thousand. The fire was started by some idiot who lit a flare inside, starting a fire when the ceiling caught on fire. The nightclub’s owner, current social pariah Omar Chabán, had locked all emergency exits before because he didn’t want people “to sneak in” so when everyone made a run towards the security exit, they found out there chains on them. The case had a huge impact on the Argentine psyche. It changed the history of Argentine Rock, with Rolling Stone Argentina and the victims’ parents leading the charge against the corrupt government and an impeachment process that ended in the removal of then City Mayor Aníbal Ibarra. Six years later, a trial is still going on, and yesterday, an Appellate Court decided to blame Callejeros and a few government officials, but the club’s owner, who most of the parents want to see rotting in jail for the rest of eternity, is apparently being benefited by a reduction in sentence. Parents are outraged, judges are cowards and the world seems to be fucking unfair right now. (Sorry, no punchline here. Not much to make fun of when you’re taking about 194 people dead).

• However, when it’s only one death, it’s kind of OK to laugh at it! So, a piece of advice to all you killers out there: if you’re planning to murder someone, make sure you have a proper way to dispose of the body. Otherwise, you may fuck up big time like this idiot woman did in Avellaneda, who after killing a female victim (who’s yet to be identified) inside her apartment, she realized she couldn’t carry the body by herself and asked the building’s Super to giver her a hand. The guy realized there was a dead body inside the suspicious “human-shaped bag” and called the cops. She is now in prison, of course, which in my opinion she totally deserves for being such a brainless idiot. I mean, anyone knows that first you chop off the body and then feed it to husband and/or lover. Sheesh…

• Remember when I told you last week that the National Government had decided to remove all Federal Police presence from public buildings in the city of Buenos Aires in order to piss off the Macri administration? Well, if you happen to be in a life-threatening accident by any chance, I suggest you stay at home and hope for the best. Otherwise, since there’s no police patrolling the area, you might get stabbed in the waiting room, like this guy. (Warning: Graphic Video).

• You clicked on that thing even though I warned you it was going to be graphic, didn’t you? You make me sick.

• The Buenos Aires International Book Fair began yesterday! And if you’re an expat, then this is a must for you. Taking place in the heart of Palermo, in the largest pavilion of the Rural Expo, hundreds of book stands offer books that range from Facebook for Dummies to a miniature copy of the Qur’an. Sure, books are extremely overpriced and obnoxious children are running all over the place, but there are also some events taking place, like the much anticipated controversial speech of 2010 Literature Nobel Prize winner Mario Vargas Llosa. The Peruvian right-wing writer, who has openly criticized the Kirchners, caused a stir last month when he announced he had been invited by the Book Fair authorities to give the opening speech this year. Ultra-Kirchnerites, who, like any ultra-something, often end up hurting that same freedom that they so claim to defend, demanded Vargas Llosa to refuse the invitation and protested the visit. This prompted the President herself to intervene, stating that, despite their differences, he had every right to attend the event. So let’s see what happens today, when he grabs the mike. If past events are any indication, freedom of speech lovers will stage a protest at his speech and force him to cancel it, like they did some years ago to dissident Cuban Hilda Molina. Make sure to visit, you might even see a fist fight!

• God almighty, the local version of Dancing with the Stars not only has hired the tits and ass attached to Pamela Anderson’s body to join the cast, but now they’ve announced Mike Tyson is already on board. I love it how they keep hiring all these D-list American celebrities in order to allegedly make it sound important. Why not go for Pee Wee Herman? I hear he’s looking.

• Show business is on fire today! And understandably so, since thanks to this post-Gossip Girl world we’re living in,
  

  Admit it, when it comes to fictional characters, you choose the Easter Bunny over Jesus. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  we now get to spy on celebrities in ways we never thought possible before. So imagine our surprise when this new amateur video appeared on TV today, showing six-months pregnant and horrible actress Juanita Viale meeting with former Economy Minister Martín Lousteau in her actual boyfriend’s car, and smooching it up for a while in broad daylight. Her boyfriend, Chilean actor Gonzalo “Manguera” Valenzuela has allegedly left their home today, the Chilean media has reported. See? Women. They won’t stop cheating, even when they’re pregnant.

• This week, in your mandatory Big Brother column: Well, we’re almost done people. Only two weeks ‘till it’s over and we’re down to the last four contestants. All of them guys, one of them gay. So it’s basically a sausage fest. Oh well, at least one of them is happy. Anyway, the whole thing has become so irrelevant that there’s not even an interesting video to show you. No, seriously. Nothing. I just wanted to share my misery with you. Hopefully I succeeded.

• Well, now we’re fucked. After a photographer in the small town of Venado Tuerto (pretty much Population: 0) took a picture of some lights in the sky one night a few months ago, he sent it to NASA for analysis. Their response? “Unable to identify object,” which means, of course, a UFO. So there you have it. We always thought we were safe in South America because, if Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s always Los Angeles or Manhattan being blown to hell and then the aliens get shot down by Barack Obama himself flying an F-15 before they can even hover below the Equator. But now they’re here, and trust me, I’ve seen movies. They up to no good, those black-eyed bastards.

• Update: NASA just said the whole thing was a hoax since they never confirmed any report. Fuck it, I already wrote the story, I’m not rewriting the whole thing.

Have a great Holy Weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com  or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono