It’s Friday again!

And springtime is just two weeks away!

Which is a good thing, considering that this past weekend your face absorbed some much-needed UV rays and got a wonderful tan that only two days later made you look like an idiot because a cold front reminded us all that we are still in the middle of winter.

Give it a few more weeks and you’ll be able to get tanned without regrets.

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook in order to receive weekly updates about stuff.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, a guy you just heard of two days ago yet now you’re his greatest fan. Also not Jesus. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Is it OK to start with porn? I mean let’s face it, every newspaper in this country has tits and ass on the front page. There’s no reason to be squeamish, although if you’re easily offended by blatant displays of self-pleasuring activities, you should probably skip the next bullet point altogether. It is very NSFW. You have been warned. Also, I’d like to read your thoughts about what’s coming next. So feel free to comment below.

• Oh, no they didn’t! But yes, they absolutely did. President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner (as well as the 54% of this country’s population) is probably not amused by the latest stunt pulled by Miami-based Argento-Venezuelan rock band The Rockadictos, who either artfully or disrespectfully (that’s up to you) decided to feature our beloved Head of State on their latest controversial music video. The clip – shot in ‘comic mode’ – depicts Cristina as a clamor-hungry charismatic leader who finds herself overflowing with the eroticism of power and decides to vent the pressure building up inside of her in the only way she can. *rolls eyes* Yes, masturbation. Is it disrespectful? Maybe, although personally I don’t give a shit. Is it art? I’m not sure. Is it a desperate call for attention by a band that most of us never heard of before and is looking to spike their sales on iTunes? You bet. Whatever it is, it made it to the cover of Noticias. Well played, Rockadictos. Well played.

• Oh, and I almost forgot. US president Barack Obama is also involved in this upbeat tale of erotica, although not in the way you expect him to be, which is kind of a disappointment.

• Moving on to less relevant things: boy, were the anti-Kirchnerites pissed this week. The Cadena Nacional controversy hit the fan a few days ago when Cristina’s television omnipresence got in the way of Dancing With The Stars / Graduados / [Insert name of favorite TV show here]. For those of you slow learners, the Cadena Nacional is when all broadcast networks interrupt their programming to show a live presidential speech. Many presidents have resorted to this when they needed to address the nation in the past, but Cristina, like her Venezuelan compadre, is in love with it and may be slightly abusing it. And this of course had half of the Argentine population in an irate state, something I’m sure you’ve noticed by taking a glance at your Facebook/Twitter timelines recently. Last Monday, however, she crossed the line. In order to celebrate Industry Day which, yes, is as boring as it sounds, not only she interrupted everyone’s dinners, she also gave the most boring speech in the history of boring speeches. In her 60-minute soliloquy she didn’t yell, she didn’t laugh, she didn’t make a joke, she didn’t scold any of her minions. She just talked about industry stuff, which we all know sucks because it’s not tits and ass. Seriously, I dare you to watch that. It’s like being forced to sit through the training video of a cement company in Scottsbluff, Nebraska.

• So if you want to know why there was an impromptu cacerolazo last Monday night, that’s why. It wasn’t the restrictions on the dollar, it wasn’t the rampant inflation or the overall sense of collapse blanketing society as we speak. No, ladies and gentlemen. It was the inability to enjoy Dancing With The Stars. A doomed nation, we are.

• This traumatizing ordeal has of course left the anti-Kirchnerite mind in shambles and with the need to sleep with the lights on, for which they have once again galvanized behind a Facebook page to conduct a nationwide cacerolazo on Thursday the 13th. Just like the question-marked face of Anonymous, the cacerolazo movement has no leader, no bellwether leading the masses to reclaim the Plaza de Mayo from the sharp, raptor-like claws of the Kirchnerite reich. But people are going, man, they are going. And this time they don’t even need to carry a dirty frying pan sporting the unconsumed leftovers of omelettes past. Just like technology has saved countless lives in the Arab spring demonstrations or the jungles of Burma, the iPhone is here to make your case heard.

• The AFIP tax agency continues marching into dark territory as it expands yet once more its already Orwellian attributes. As you probably know, whenever Argentines return from their little orgasmic trip to the first world and come face to face with the Ezeiza gatekeepers, they are expected to show any electronic device that they may have shamelessly acquired in the land of happiness. If you paid more than 300 US dollars for your un-Argentine piece of machinery, then you are to be charged with 50% of its original price in concept of your treasonous activities. Why do you think whenever you foreigners leave temporarily you are always asked to bring back iPods, iPads, iPhones, iMacs and more iPods? This is why. And get ready, because it’s about to get worse, since the AFIP will now go through everyone’s purchases abroad to see if they “forgot” to declare a little trip to the Apple store. Stalin would be proud.

• The problem here is not that they are forcing everyone to pay their fair share of taxes, the problem is their “guilty until proven innocent” attitude. Let me put it this way: if the AFIP were in charge of solving a murder case in CSI: Miami, the first suspect (who’s usually a red herring) would get the death penalty within the first ten minutes of the episode, turning this show into an even more tedious experience than it already was. Think Horatio Cane is a douche? Picture Ricardo Echegaray delivering one of those cringing closing lines with a strong Argentine accent. “Avoid the tax? You get the axe.”

• Oh my God! I just used a bullet point with the sole purpose of expressing a personal opinion! Does this… does this mean I’m changing the rules?!

• No. Shut up.

• I forgot to mention that the AFIP also announced that only state-run banks are now allowed to offer currency exchange services at the Ezeiza airport. Sorry, currency exchange operators. I guess your business truly is a dying art. You can join the mime artists union and share stories of the good old days together.

• Let’s change the subject. Let’s talk about the Malvinas/Falklands conflict, which I haven’t mentioned in like two weeks and I already feel like I miss those guys.

• [DANGER] The legislative assembly of the Malvinas/Falklands has
  

  Shut up, you guys. This isn’t porn, OK? It’s a tasteful display of the female anatomy that is in no way done in order to attract more clicks. If you don’t believe me, ask InfoBAE. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  confirmed that they will carry a referendum on the islands to let the population officially say whether they wish to remain British or not. (Spoiler alert: the result will be a resounding “FUCK, YEAH”). The historic yet irrelevant vote will take place in March 2013 and will change absolutely nothing because Argentina has already said they will cover their ears and go la-la-la-la-la-la when the islanders read the result out loud.

• God, the sexual tension between these two countries is soooooooo strong. Just make out already.

• The government continues to inch closer to totalitarianism as it has now decided to cancel a tender that it had put out for companies to operate 25% of the mobile phone frequencies in Argentina. Remember the Patriot Act? Well, this is pretty much the same thing.

• Great news everyone! The National Government has announced that it will not put up to tender a 25% of the 3G network. Planning Minister Julio De Vido has insisted that “it is not a state takeover,” which of course means it totally is.

• The Buenos Aires Government has finally decided to catch up with the 00′s and announced that it will offer free Wi-Fi services inside the city’s public libraries. Which is great for the 78-year-old librarian working there. The rest of you fucks who haven’t set foot in a library since 2002 couldn’t care less about this.

• Also, September 24th has officially been declared a one-time holiday, which means you kids get another long weekend to engage in absolute mischief. I already explained why it’s being declared a holiday, but in case you didn’t pay attention the last time, here it is again.

• Yeah, you just got RickRoll’d. You should have paid attention the last time I explained it, bitch.

• Also, RickRolling is so 2010. I disgust myself.

• We all know that even though Argentina and the UK have to hots for each other, there’s no point denying that this country’s true love is the US and that’s why it hates it so much. If you examine the local customs you will find that everyone is dying to be just like Ross and Rachel in that awesome -yet suspiciously affordable- Manhattan apartment. So whenever we hear that someone in this country decided to extrapolate American pop culture to the Pampas, we hardly find it strange anymore. Starbucks is as Argentine as dulce de leche. This time, however, things may be different since some disturbed teenager decided he wanted to imitate the Batman thing. And by “thing” I don’t mean “becoming a douchy-voiced caped crusader”, I mean slaughtering a lot of people in a movie theater. You know how teens like Justin Bieber or Big Time Rush? Well, this guy likes James Holmes, so he decided he wanted to shoot an audience. Fortunately his plans were foiled though, and now he sucks. ”Where was this?” you say? I’m surprised you need to ask: the land of terror and despair, otherwise known as Salta.

• Remember last week when I mentioned how the Chubut police had
  

  James Holmes, who totally creeps me out. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  declared open season on seagulls and they received an immediate international backlash for its reprehensible attitude towards the provincial fauna? It seems that the force has had a change of heart and decided that it does love animals after all. And what better way to express that they are OK with zoophilia than a racy photo shoot involving scantily-clad girls and horses from the mounted police? Classy stuff. Really classy stuff. She looks like Xena: Warrior Princess only sluttier. Look out boys, she’s single!

• Signing a contract with Dancing With The Stars in 3… 2… 1…

• Finally Argentina is first at something, and that is the relatively enviable honor of being the country that spends the most time on Facebook. Hey, it could be worse. It could be MySpace.

• Ah, now here’s a guy that deserves a medal. Francisco, a Colombian cashier working at the La Pasiva restaurant, on Corrientes Av. 1700, refused to be robbed and decided to beat the shit out of the gun-toting criminal that was threatening to kill him. Well done, Francisco. I believe you’re dangerously insane, but well done nonetheless.

• Alright, kids. Let’s have a talk, come sit. *pats bed* Can you explain to me who Sri Sri Ravi Shankar is and why you’re so interested in him, specially when you didn’t even know he existed three hours ago? I know there’s this whole “Fevida” thing going on this weekend in which 100,000 people are expected to come out and learn how to meditate, but gimme a break. His face is plastered all over town, he’s present on every TV show and he has been trending on Twitter for the last four days. Can somebody please explain it to me? He’s almost as big as Jesus. He even looks like Jesus! Is this spiritual leader one to be tru…- Oh, we knew this was coming.

• Last but not least: either the media is desperate to see Juan Martín del Potro and Andy Roddick engaging in gay porn, or there really is something going on between these two. As Juan Martín managed to beat Andy Roddick at the US Open this week, they both melted in a warm embrace and touched each other awkwardly to celebrate that this was the American tennis player’s last game of his career. What follows is their heartbreaking goodbye, according to the media present there: here, here, here and here. And my personal favorite, which I have labeled “I will miss your face so much.”

• Oh and please don’t send me those lengthy emails explaining how they were “just being friendly” and that there’s nothing wrong with two guys expressing their fondness for each other. I know that. It’s a joke. I believe Del Potro demonstrated to be a hell of a sportsman. So stop. Please just stop.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

It’s Friday and it’s raining!

So let’s skip the weekly customary ice breaker that you have come to love so much and start talking about the things that matter.

Also please don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook so you can keep up with future columns.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Diva and probable white glove thief Moria Casán. Don’t worry, you’ll understand why she’s here. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Good riddance (Part 1)! After ten years of carrying this massive dead weight over its shoulders, the Argentine population has finally managed to leave behind the terrifying financial crisis that drove this country into utter disaster (at least on paper, because we know that the fear of losing all their savings will never entirely leave their minds). Today, Argentina pays the last installment of the Boden 2012 bonds, and everybody is happy. At least in theory. Yesterday, speaking from the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner gave a heartfelt message on national television, explaining with charts and other incomprehensible financial data about the importance of such payment. So here’s her 70-minute-long speech which you’re obviously not going to watch.

• Speaking of yesterday’s event, here are some photos depicting the extreme tension between sworn frienemies President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner and Buenos Aires Mayor Mauricio Macri, who were forced to sit together despite their well-known distaste for each other, and like two kids in high school, begrudgingly accepted. This is the hilarious result. Trust me, if there was a caption contest for the fourth photograph, “Oh no, sorry. I don’t dance!” would win hands down.

• Good riddance (Part 2)! No longer will we have to be prisoners of our own fears and be relegated to enjoying the goodness of football from our dungeon-like homes. Because thanks to technology, the AFA and our all-mighty National Government, who decided to engage in a crusade against criminal activities inside football stadiums, we can all now heave a sigh of relief and enjoy our favorite sport just seating a few meters away from where the real action is taking place. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Extermi-Hooligan 3000 (yes, I made up the name), a state-of-the-art device so advanced that it could beat up Robocop with its eyes closed. If it had eyes, that is. The EH3000 fits in a small suitcase and features a fingerprint reader that anyone trying to enter a stadium before a game will have to go through. If you have no criminal records, you’re cleared by a green light. If you’re a psycho killer who is willingly going through the fingerprint scanner just for the thrill of it, a red light tells the closest police officer to arrest you. Simple, is it not? So here’s footage from the Government’s official introduction of the EH3000 the other day. Enjoy.

• You didn’t click on that, did you? Well, you missed the joke then.

• Now, if you thought that the National Government couldn’t do worse than that classic 80s scene, you’re wrong. When Cristina was given the dubious honor of being the first one to try the new system on live television, it obviously didn’t work.

• Some guy named Mariano (presumably a technician) was immediately called on stage. By now we know that Mariano, who doesn’t even have a last name, is obviously the equivalent of a red shirt character. “It would appear you have a low-quality fingerprint…” he had the audacity to tell Cristina as he swallowed hardly. “This guy won’t last here five seconds!” she joked as she turned towards the audience. See? I told you: red shirt! His head is now on a pike outside the Casa Rosada.

• As the scanner failed to read her fingerprint several times, Interior Minister Florencio Randazzo, sweating nervously because he was the one responsible for buying them, asked Cristina’s sister-in-law, Alicia Kirchner, to give it a try. As she pressed her thumb on the reader and the light on the screen turned green, uncomfortable laughter began to spread across the audience, while Cristina giggled and tried to remain calm and pretend she wasn’t going to behead everyone in the audience as soon as the cameras went off.

• But everyone’s favorite part was when they decided to invite AFA head Julio Grondona, who everyone in the country considers to be the Latin version of mob boss Don Corleone, so he could give it a shot as well. A collective gasp and “ooooooooh” was heard, as people present realized the light would turn red and the machine would then explode due to a system overload as soon as his fingerprint came close to that reader. Even Cristina began laughing uncontrollably, shaking her head and waving her arms saying “Hell, no!” as she took a step back. (See? Even she knows he’s dirty! I love this country). Yet, surprisingly, the light turned green.

• The light turned green, people. Grondona, arguably the biggest crook on Earth, placed his thumb there and THE LIGHT TURNED GREEN. That’s it, I give up. I’m moving to Chad.

• So yes, clearly those new devices that cost us taxpayers like 50 trillion pesos are of questionable effectiveness. But hey, the lowest-priced ticket for a regular First Division match will now cost $60 thanks to the ever-present inflation, so I’m pretty sure criminals couldn’t even afford to get in anyway.

• Oh, yeah. Probably neither will you.

• Ready for five days of traffic chaos and social mayhem? You better be, because starting tonight at 9 pm, our beloved Subte closes its doors until Thursday morning. Yes, of course it’s because of a strike. Why else would it be? Just be thankful it hasn’t been shut down completely forever, considering the jurisdiction mess that thing is. So let’s see: subways on strike, taxis are impossible to afford, you don’t own a car and you hardly ever use your bike because you’re terrified it might get stolen. Yup. If bus drivers go on strike you’re definitely fucked.

• [UPDATE] The strike may or may not be lifted by Monday. As usual, no one is sure of anything.

• In the department of awesome – yet completely irrelevant – news: Mayor Mauricio Macri, who clearly has a lot of time to spare, wants Buenos Aires “to become the International Capital of Love.” No, seriously, he does.

• OUTRAGE! Argentines are enraged and foaming at the mouth due to a barbaric act of vandalism that has once again escalated tensions between Buenos Aires and London. This week, residents of the Malvinas/Falklands woke up to what was probably the most exciting thing to happen there since one of their sheep went missing a few years ago: the Argentine Military Cemetery had been broken into and the glass protecting a figurine of the Virgin Mary had been smashed to pieces by some sociopath. A shameful, reprehensible act, clearly. But the usual drama-queenism ensued and everyone here began pointing fingers towards England, as if it had been Queen Elizabeth II herself who sneaked in there in the middle of the night wearing a ski mask and brandishing a sledge hammer. England, of course, promised “a full, thorough investigation.” Well, yeah, how hard can it be? What’s the population on the islands, 12 people? Just blame the town drunk, he probably did it. Go to his house and arrest him, for God’s sake, it’s not like you need CSI: Malvinas to find the culprit.

• In order to perpetuate the notion that everyone involved in this bilateral conflict has the mental development of a five-year-old, the Buenos Aires province senate recently passed the Gaucho Rivero bill, which bans all British vessels involved in the exploration of hydrocarbons in the Malvinas/Falklands area from docking in the provincial ports. The bill was named in honor of Antonio Rivero, a gaucho who murdered five islanders back when the islands were seized by the British a million years ago. Oh, I’m sure naming it after a rebellious murderer is gonna make things a lot smoother, people.

• OUTRAGE (Part 2)! Ralph Lauren is leaving the country!!! (No, not the person, you idiots. The eponymous clothing brand.) Don’t worry though, they said it’s just a temporary thing, until trade restrictions are back to normal. Then we’ll all once again be able to choose not to go buy there.

• This week, in “New Currency Exchange Restrictions put in place to make your life more miserable than it already is“: Traveling to a bordering country? Then very soon you may no longer be allowed to purchase dollars, fool! You’ll have to buy whatever currency they have available and that’s final.

• Also, remember the guy arrested in Uruguay a few weeks ago who needed $5,000 dollars? Yeah, no one does. So I guess he may be spending the rest of his life in prison.

• Naughty, naughty! If you live in a country (gated community in the Greater Buenos Aires area), chances are your a serious tax evader. According to the media (and those guys are always right), four out of ten homeowners living there don’t pay taxes. Look, even La Nación is saying it! Rich people in this country have it so hard. First Ralph Lauren leaves and now this? We’re all doomed.

• Conservatives in this country are once again up in arms after learning that for the first time two gay men were officially allowed to register their baby – born of a surrogate mother in India – as their son. Congratulations, guys! (Congratulations to the gay parents, not to the conservatives for being up in arms. You know, just so we’re clear).

• So let’s say you enter a store and while you’re minding your own business a couple of armed robbers walk in. All hell breaks loose. OMG, please don’t kill me, arms in the air and all that. You know how it is, you’ve seen Point Break. So as the situation becomes chaotic you’ll understandably try to take advantage of it, because that’s what any regular human being would do. And as the store clerks are still in shock because someone was close to blowing their brains, you take your chance and grab some of the money they dropped on their way out because, hey, it was going to be stolen anyway, right? Wrong. You’ve been caught on tape. At least the robbers had a life purpose, they went in there to rob. What’s your excuse? You are a disgrace.

• Because having the glamorous Charlotte and Alexander Caniggia twins shoved down our throats everyday through the blessings of Argentine television is not enough, the local media are now checking Charlotte’s Facebook page and writing full-length articles about every brainfart she posts there. So when the lovable duet decided to upload this video of them dancing erratically and looking jacked up to their eyeballs, the media picked it up and turned it into a story about their “private party”. Ha! I know, I know. We journalists are douchebags.

• But hey, not all is lost in journalism, apparently. That quintessential 90s guy with a pony tail, dancing in the back? Apparently a gay porn star, thanks to this serious investigative piece. Phew! And I thought for a second this industry was doomed.

• Former diva and current Egyptian mummy Moria Casán was in a bit of a conundrum this week after finishing a gig in Paraguay. Casán, who we’ve come to love after centuries of cringe-inducing moments as a judge on Dancing With The Stars, was accused of stealing some jewelry worth $70,000 dollars she was supposed to wear on stage for a while and “forgot to return or something like that.” She was let go and allowed to return to Argentina the morning after, praise the Lord. The cops even admittedly “looked under her wig” to see if she had concealed them there, but found nothing. No, she really does wear a wig! She was born during the Pangaea period or something! Here she is, taking a dive in a water tank for some reason and totally losing her wig in the process.

• Hey! These are all important moments in Argentine pop culture, who cares if it’s not informative?! Shut up.

• Oh, and the missing jewels never turned up. But whatever, it’s Paraguay, right? … RIGHT?!

• [UPDATE] A Paraguayan court has issued an arrest warrant for Moria Casán and she has until Monday to appear before the judge. If she doesn’t, Interpol will be told to start looking for her. Oh this is going to be fun.

• Regarding the Olympics, I’ll be brief: so far Argentina has sucked at
  

  While I was writing this column in some random bar, Juan Martín Del Potro lost against Roger Federer in the Olympics. That’s the only reason why I chose to use his photo. Don’t complain, it was either him or the Caniggias. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  everything. Well, not really, but you know that standards for success here are impossibly high. You either win the gold or you’re a disgrace, period. The only hope right now is Juan Martin del Potro, who as I write these lines is playing against Roger Federer or something [UPDATE: He ended up with a bronze medal. Congrats!]. As an extremely blunt sports commentator said on TV after describing his disillusionment with Argentina’s performance in London: “in a few days, the football tournament begins and the Olympics go back to being a minor issue.” The Argentine athletes I’m sure are thrilled to hear that.

• When Homer wrote the Oddissey thousands of years ago (if you clicked on “Homer” because you weren’t sure whether I was talking about Homer Simpson or not, please close this browser and never EVER come back because if you do I swear to God I’ll shoot you), his vivid imagination inspired him to create a wondrous world of magical creatures and a very, very passive-aggressive Penelope. His tales of adventure, however, have no comparison to the string of mishaps that befell on Boca Juniors during a week-long tour throughout South America, briefly described here:

• After a series of games around Latin America that ended in Venezuela last week, the popular football team was getting ready to return to Argentina when they were told their plane had a little problem and couldn’t take off.

• That’s when they realized they didn’t have any money left to hire another plane, so they had to wait for their plane to be fixed. In the meantime, they were sent to some hotel in Caracas.

• Boca Juniors defender Rolando Schiavi, upset about the hotel they were sent to, took to his personal diary to express his displeasure with it, calling it “a roach hotel with dirty sheets and rat food.” Unfortunately, his personal diary is Twitter, so he immediately caused a scandal that resonated all across South America. He quickly deleted his tweets, but the damage was already done. Venezuelans were not happy.

• After waiting for days for a charter flight back to Buenos Aires, they finally got it, but there was one catch: it had to make a stop in Bolivia. The agreed, by now they were desperate to return.

• After a brief stop in Bolivia, they began their final approach to the City when they learned that a dense fog had invaded the Buenos Aires area, for which they couldn’t land here. Their flight was rerouted to Cordoba, where they would be forced to spend the night.

• Upon their arrival in Cordoba, they were told there was no room for them in any hotel.

• The closest hotel for them was in Villa Carlos Paz, 36 kilometers away from Córdoba.

• They looked down in resignation and took a bus to Villa Carlos Paz.

• They woke up like 20 minutes later and went back to their plane, which finally took off.

• Their plane crashed on the island from Lost.

• They finally returned to Buenos Aires yesterday evening. Which means the Torneo Inicial (and football in general) are back tomorrow after a brief period of calm and relaxation. FML.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

• Oh, I almost forgot! All Boys had to go through the same ordeal since they were on the same tour and booked on the same charter, but no one really cared about them.

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Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono