It’s Friday again!

And for like the 82nd time this year… it’s the end of the world!

That’s right folks, it’s the 11/11/11 today, and no one pretty much knows what the fuck it means but it’s gotta mean something big right? Maybe those Mayan guys said something about it? No? Well whatever it is the media is all over this, trying to freak everybody out and asking profound questions such as “What is going to happen today at 11:11?”.

Because that’s the best part: everyone is getting ready to freak out at 11:11. And since we’re not really sure if it’s AM or PM, let’s all remember to freak out twice today, just in case.

Also, not to nitpick but does the Rapture move by time zones? I mean, Australia supposedly reached 11:11 AM last night and nothing happened. Isn’t that a sign that this is all bullshit?

And if something does happen today at 11:11 AM (or PM), Buenos Aires time, isn’t that, like, completely unfair to other countries? I can totally see New Yorkers going “What the fuck, man? It’s only 9:11 here! What’s up with that!”

It’s OK though, I’m 99% sure nothing will happen.

And if it turns out that nothing happens, like last year when it was 10/10/10, or the years before when it was 9/9/9, 8/8/8, 7/7/7, 6/6/6, 5/5/5, 4/4/4, 3/3/3, 2/2/2 or 1/1/1, or the 20 centuries since the day Jesus was born that also had a 11/11/11 in them, then we can always hope that the zombie apocalypse we’ve all been waiting for finally takes place next year on 12/12/12.

If it doesn’t then I’m really gonna start questioning the veracity of this whole judgement day thing.

But I digress.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  The four horsemen of the apocalypse are supposed to come kill us all today. Good times. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner and US president Barack Obama are still best buds. The White House said the meeting between the two of them was “warm,” and Cristina appointed Jorge Argüello as the new Argentine ambassador to the US. During a joint meeting yesterday, Cristina told him that his mission was to make sure any ongoing conflict with the US is resolved asap so they can have the best kind of relationship possible. I still don’t know what’s going on here, but I promise I’m gonna find out.

• Hooray, we’re rich! Well, no, we’re not rich. But the oil companies are, and that can never be a bad thing, right? … Right? Well, it’s been a great week for local gas company YPF since it discovered almost a billion barrels of oil in Neuquén province, increasing its oil reserves by a 50 percent. And we all know that those riches will come back to the community somehow, right? … Right? I mean, what’s the worse than happ-OH MY GOD, OF COURSE!

• Also, not to ruin your weekend or anything, but thanks to the new measures implemented by the Government in order to stop capital flight, it’s become almost impossible to buy dollars now. Which basically means you’re stuck in this country forever. Hey. It could be worse. You could have been, I don’t know, camping by the side of the Coppermine River on July 17th 1771. See? It’s all about perspective.

• I know this is old news, but it took place last Friday evening and the Weekly News Roundup was already up. But if you’re like embarrassingly uninformed Ashton Kutcher and you really have no fucking clue of what goes on around you, here it is: last Friday, a building in downtown Buenos Aires was evacuated after firemen warned it was about to collapse. Less than an hour after it people got out, the rear of the structure split in two and collapsed. People even managed to capture it with their cell phones. Originally, authorities reported no casualties, but then a man claimed that his father, a 74-year old pensioner with a hearing problem, was missing. After six days of extensive research, they found the body of the man under the rubble. While being interviewed, gaffe-prone Mayor Macri actually said: “We should be happy because there’s just one person missing.” Yes, he actually said that.

• Oh, but wait! There’s a silver lining to this terrible tragedy. That’s right, I give you… Nancy the dancer! Nancy’s apartment was among those that collapsed last Friday and is now homeless. And what better way to make money than by fame-whoring it out in front of the cameras? You see, Nancy needs a new home so “she wants to be famous by doing anything that involves dancing” (wink wink). And she loves ballet so much that she even took some photos of her “work”. The theme is, of course, construction worker. Obvious choice. However, I have to admit I don’t really get the slutty maid outfit. Still, I’m rooting for you girl!

• More progress! The Justice and General Legislation Committee in Congress cleared the Gender Identity Bill for debate on the Lower House floor, meaning that the bill may become law very soon if it makes it to the Senate. If passed, it will grant transgender citizens (or as conservative losers call them, “sinners”) with full rights to officially change their name and gender.

• If you happened to walk by Plaza de Mayo this week you may have noticed many teachers protesting against the City Government and Mayor Mauricio Macri there, and boy are they upset. Their anger is caused by Macri’s decision to put in place a new teacher rating board, and extending the school year until December 23rd. December 23rd! Man, those kids are gonna be pissed when they open their Christmas presents.

• This unbelievable crash that looks like something out of a Final Destination movie took place right in front of Plaza Miserere, in Once, last Sunday. The two people who were in the speeding car were immediately killed.

• Oh, the police later announced that the two men who died in the crash were actually serial robbers who would break into buildings and ransack as many apartments as they could. Apparently the reason they were speeding was because they had just robbed one. So… karma? Is that too politically incorrect to say? Whatever.

• Remember the many times you said “Man, how I’d wish this city had a restaurant that’s 100% run by transsexuals”? Oh, you never said that? Maybe it was just me then, but look! It’s a restaurant run by transsexuals! It’s called “Parrilla Transeuntes” and it’s located in Barracas. You know, one of those neighborhoods you know exist but you never go to? Well, don’t tell me this isn’t the perfect excuse to go, help a good cause and prove you’re not a bigoted idiot. Don’t be surprised to see me there, though! *giggles*

• Remember Hanson? Those three guys who looked like girls and despite looking like girls had all the girls? They used to sing Mmmbop, and other songs with fun, incomprehensible onomatopoeia until they suddenly dropped dead or stop singing or something. Well, they’re back! And they visited Argentina! And that’s all pretty much there is to say about it.

• Bad news drug addicts! Were you planning on losing your mind at Creamfields tomorrow night? Oh, please. No need to act surprised, you think I was born yesterday? Anyway, the Federal Police announced the arrest of two “dudes” who were caught with over 1000 doses of ecstasy that they were planning on selling at the electronic music festival. But don’t worry, because they’re like those annoying little brooms from Fantasia. For every one they catch, ten more appear. So it’s all good, you still have the chance to drown in your own vomit while lying at the bottom of some ditch at 7 am.

• Former super hot model and currently kind of OK model Cindy Crawford
  

  Yeah, that's right. I decided to go with a Cindy Crawford photo. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  visited Argentina this week for some reason (she was paid for it, why else?) and visited the horribly disappointing tomb of Evita. Will people please stop doing that? Seriously, there’s nothing to see there! It’s a bland crypt with mediocre floral arrangements at best! And if that wasn’t cliche enough, she also said “she loves Dulce de Leche and asados.” *kills self*

• Local Catholic authorities elected their new ecclesiastical representative in Argentina this week. José María Arancedo, the new Argentine Cardinal, will be the man representing the Vatican before the local Government. Also, he may or many not be Dick Cheney’s good twin brother. (See what I did there? By calling him “the good twin brother” I implied Dick Cheney was the evil twin brother. I’m so smart. Teehee!). Seriously now, he totally fucking looks like Dick Cheney.

• This week in that puddle of shit TV show known as Gran Hermano (Big Brother): remember how last week I joked that you had to wait for at least a week to watch a threesome happen? Well I wasn’t so wrong since only a week after entering the house these two were already fucking like cats in heat. Oh, but fear not. It was all done “under the sheets” so the networks get to call it “artistic” and “tasteful.” I call it fame whoring. In the literal sense.}

• Speaking of gross, wanna see an open fracture? This is what happened this week in that football match between Union and Newells when a Union player broke his tibia and his fibula and had his foot just hanging there, like it was made of jelly.

• You know what? I still find that video with the open fracture strangely more bearable than the one with those two brainfarts having sex.

• And last but not least: are you a proud SUBE card owner? If so, you’re in luck! Because the Government just announced that if you try to scan your card and for whatever reason it doesn’t work, you get to ride for free! See? The Government may have fucked up your life by trapping you in this country forever, but hey, at least if your card doesn’t work you get a free pass! Ah, America Argentina.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And I’ve had it with you.

No, really, enough with the emails! Look at this, just look:

“Hey man, nice job on the WNR, although I was thinking maybe you could add a little more information on politics and not so much pop culture.” Dude from Tampa, FL

Now look at this:

“Hi. I find your column very entertaining, although I feel that sometimes you talk too much about politics and leave other important stuff behind,” - Girl who lives in Buenos Aires but doesn’t tell me where she’s from.

See what you’re doing to me? What ever happened to just clicking “Like” and being on your way? And why the hell would you want to learn about Argentine politics if you live in Tampa, Florida?

Fuck it, you know what? Starting next week, I’m gonna be writing a new column every Wednesday so you can learn more about Argentine politics. I mean, let’s face it, you don’t vote here so no one gives a shit about what you think. But you’ve been living in this country for quite some time now and you still don’t know who’s running for president.

So next time you want to impress some guy/girl/transsexual, at least you’ll have enough information to make it sound like you really know what you’re talking about. Speaking of which, here’s what you need to know:

• Famed writer Ernesto Sabato. You'd know who he was if you were into reading. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Scandal! For the last couple of months, hundreds of thousands of Argentines opened their hearts and donated any little money they had to the “Un milagro para Agustin (A miracle for Agustin)” foundation, which was looking to raise US$1,200,000 so Agustin Bustos Fierro and his brothers, who suffered from a deadly disease called Adrenoleukodystrophy, could afford a life-saving operation in the United Stated. Celebrities, corporations and the population at large took the case to Twitter, Facebook, television and newspapers so the children could be saved. After much effort, the necessary amount was reached and everyone celebrated the achievement. But last weekend, the police got involved in a street fight between a man and a prostitute (ohhh, you know where this is going, don’t cha). The man turned out to be Agustin’s dad, who claimed he was just fighting with the prostitute because she had stolen his cell phone, but as authorities began to question them, they found out that, for the last two weeks, the guy had been spending thousands of pesos on alcohol and prostitutes. And apparently when the hooker asked where he was getting all the money from, he allegedly said: “don’t worry, this is all paid for by those losers.” But don’t worry though! The kids are still having the operation! I mean, your donation may have been used to pay for a blowjob, but it’s the thought that counts.

• Argentina lost one of its greatest writers last week when 99-year old Ernesto Sabato passed away. The writer had published three highly praised novels, several essays and was considered for a Literature Nobel Prize in 2007. Of course, most of the people who lamented his death never actually read any of his work, since reading is for losers and nerds.

• After realizing that he had no chance of beating President Fernandez de Kirchner in the coming October presidential elections, City Mayor Mauricio Macri decided to step down from the race in seek reelection in the city. And you know what that means don’t you? If he wins, not only we’ll keep stepping into dog shit for four more years, we’ll actually have to see him repeating his embarrassing rendition of Queen’s “We Will Rock You” on national television. (Did you click on that? I wouldn’t do it if I were you, the whole thing is really painful to watch).

• President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner cried again, naturally.

• With astounding unanimity, Congress finally passed a health care reform bill, aimed at regulating insurance companies. You hear that, US politicians? Maybe you could learn a thing or two about this. I guess one of the good things about Argentina is that all the Sarah Palins of the country are locked up in an insane asylum, not dictating policy and instilling fear in the population.

• A gang of vandals had no better idea than setting several passenger trains on fire during the morning rush hour in the Greater Buenos Aires area of Ramos Mejia. And even though at the beginning it was said to have been “a spontaneous protest” led by angry passengers who were complaining about the train’s tardiness, it was later proven that whoever started the fire had actually sprayed the carts with gasoline. Terrible, I know, but since the only kind of mass transportation service you use is the ever-cool Subte, I’m sure you don’t give a shit about all this.

• This week, in your (last!) obligatory Big Brother column: Well, it’s finally over! And the winner is… this douchebag! Argentina made a choice, and the majority of votes went to the violent, Machiavellian wife beater with a gambling problem. So as he was leaving the Big Brother house last Sunday night with all pomp and cheesy fireworks, many around the country cried of joy as they – OH MY GOD OSAMA BIN LADEN IS DEAD!

• Yeah, that last part is exactly what went through the mind of all Argentines, because only a few minutes after the Big Brother game was over, all major networks announced the killing of Osama Bin Laden, stealing the winner’s thunder forever. So when he said after winning the game that it was now time for his fifteen minutes of fame, he literally meant fifteen minutes.

• Aaaaaand if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, as the winner was leaving the house, his girlfriend ran to hug him, and forgetting that he was still wearing a microphone, she whispered: “Don’t sign any contract with the network.” Needless to say, the whole country heard it, even the host of the show, who wasn’t very happy with her statement. Oops.

• Great news kids! As of this week, passengers will be able to pay for cab fare with their debit/credit cards! So next time you take a taxi outside Asia de Cuba at 7 AM because you’re too drunk to even stand, the good news is that the driver will not be able to take advantage of your rich wallet and your poor Spanish. The bad news is they will have your credit card information.

• If you thought the idiots from the Diego Maradona church were,

  Forefather Manuel Belgrano, quite possibly turning in his grave right now. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  indeed, idiots, wait until you hear the new proposal by these brain dead losers: they have created several Facebook pages asking for the replacement of the image of forefather Manuel Belgrano (creator of the Argentine flag) on the obverse of the $10 bill for that of, you guessed it, former soccer star and current pariah Diego Armando Maradona. So thousands of people have now- ugh, why bother. I’m not gonna keep talking about these assholes.

• Say hello to post-modernity kids, the Federal Police has officially joined Twitter! Under the username @PFAOficial , the so-called Buenos Aires’ finest have been drawing attention due to their, ehem, strange tweets. Here are some of them:

1. “Usually robbers work together, and they will surely try to steal something from you.”
2. “Kids use drugs to be in better touch with society.”
3. “Teach your children not to become an insecure, boring, dependent person.”
4. “Above all, teach them to love.”
5. Teach your children that they own their own body and no one should touch it without their permission.
6. No, I am not kidding.

• You know that giant metal flower located in the middle of the United Nations Park, in Palermo? You know, that flower that opens at 8 AM and closes at sunset, which become one of the symbols of the city in the last couple of years? Well, it broke. And even though technically the warranty is still valid, the company that manufactured it, Lockheed-Martin has left the country. So yeah, we’re fucked.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday Thursday again!

Yeah, in case you haven’t noticed, the WNR is available on a Thursday and not on a Friday this week, but don’t panic, it’s just for this week since Friday is a holiday and I really don’t feel like working.

So, instead of just saying “No WNR this week,” I decided to upload them early just for you. Remember that next time you send me an email telling me to go fuck myself.

Anyway, everyone is anxiously waiting for the Holy Weekend, not because we’re eager to observe the resurrection of Jesus Christ, but because it gives us all the chance to go out and get drunk for four nights in a row! And on top of that, we all get together on Sunday to eat some chocolate Easter eggs, punishing our livers to the point where we all need transplants.

So, before you wake up covered in vomit while hugging some really, really dirty toilet in one of the popular expat bars at 7 AM on Sunday, here’s what you need to know:

Hallelujah! Jesus apparently came back to life on a weekend like this, but you probably don't give a shit. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• Do you know about the Cromañón tragedy? On December 30th 2004, a fire broke out in a nightclub where the rock band Callejeros was playing, killing 194 people and injuring over a thousand. The fire was started by some idiot who lit a flare inside, starting a fire when the ceiling caught on fire. The nightclub’s owner, current social pariah Omar Chabán, had locked all emergency exits before because he didn’t want people “to sneak in” so when everyone made a run towards the security exit, they found out there chains on them. The case had a huge impact on the Argentine psyche. It changed the history of Argentine Rock, with Rolling Stone Argentina and the victims’ parents leading the charge against the corrupt government and an impeachment process that ended in the removal of then City Mayor Aníbal Ibarra. Six years later, a trial is still going on, and yesterday, an Appellate Court decided to blame Callejeros and a few government officials, but the club’s owner, who most of the parents want to see rotting in jail for the rest of eternity, is apparently being benefited by a reduction in sentence. Parents are outraged, judges are cowards and the world seems to be fucking unfair right now. (Sorry, no punchline here. Not much to make fun of when you’re taking about 194 people dead).

• However, when it’s only one death, it’s kind of OK to laugh at it! So, a piece of advice to all you killers out there: if you’re planning to murder someone, make sure you have a proper way to dispose of the body. Otherwise, you may fuck up big time like this idiot woman did in Avellaneda, who after killing a female victim (who’s yet to be identified) inside her apartment, she realized she couldn’t carry the body by herself and asked the building’s Super to giver her a hand. The guy realized there was a dead body inside the suspicious “human-shaped bag” and called the cops. She is now in prison, of course, which in my opinion she totally deserves for being such a brainless idiot. I mean, anyone knows that first you chop off the body and then feed it to husband and/or lover. Sheesh…

• Remember when I told you last week that the National Government had decided to remove all Federal Police presence from public buildings in the city of Buenos Aires in order to piss off the Macri administration? Well, if you happen to be in a life-threatening accident by any chance, I suggest you stay at home and hope for the best. Otherwise, since there’s no police patrolling the area, you might get stabbed in the waiting room, like this guy. (Warning: Graphic Video).

• You clicked on that thing even though I warned you it was going to be graphic, didn’t you? You make me sick.

• The Buenos Aires International Book Fair began yesterday! And if you’re an expat, then this is a must for you. Taking place in the heart of Palermo, in the largest pavilion of the Rural Expo, hundreds of book stands offer books that range from Facebook for Dummies to a miniature copy of the Qur’an. Sure, books are extremely overpriced and obnoxious children are running all over the place, but there are also some events taking place, like the much anticipated controversial speech of 2010 Literature Nobel Prize winner Mario Vargas Llosa. The Peruvian right-wing writer, who has openly criticized the Kirchners, caused a stir last month when he announced he had been invited by the Book Fair authorities to give the opening speech this year. Ultra-Kirchnerites, who, like any ultra-something, often end up hurting that same freedom that they so claim to defend, demanded Vargas Llosa to refuse the invitation and protested the visit. This prompted the President herself to intervene, stating that, despite their differences, he had every right to attend the event. So let’s see what happens today, when he grabs the mike. If past events are any indication, freedom of speech lovers will stage a protest at his speech and force him to cancel it, like they did some years ago to dissident Cuban Hilda Molina. Make sure to visit, you might even see a fist fight!

• God almighty, the local version of Dancing with the Stars not only has hired the tits and ass attached to Pamela Anderson’s body to join the cast, but now they’ve announced Mike Tyson is already on board. I love it how they keep hiring all these D-list American celebrities in order to allegedly make it sound important. Why not go for Pee Wee Herman? I hear he’s looking.

• Show business is on fire today! And understandably so, since thanks to this post-Gossip Girl world we’re living in,
  

  Admit it, when it comes to fictional characters, you choose the Easter Bunny over Jesus. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  we now get to spy on celebrities in ways we never thought possible before. So imagine our surprise when this new amateur video appeared on TV today, showing six-months pregnant and horrible actress Juanita Viale meeting with former Economy Minister Martín Lousteau in her actual boyfriend’s car, and smooching it up for a while in broad daylight. Her boyfriend, Chilean actor Gonzalo “Manguera” Valenzuela has allegedly left their home today, the Chilean media has reported. See? Women. They won’t stop cheating, even when they’re pregnant.

• This week, in your mandatory Big Brother column: Well, we’re almost done people. Only two weeks ‘till it’s over and we’re down to the last four contestants. All of them guys, one of them gay. So it’s basically a sausage fest. Oh well, at least one of them is happy. Anyway, the whole thing has become so irrelevant that there’s not even an interesting video to show you. No, seriously. Nothing. I just wanted to share my misery with you. Hopefully I succeeded.

• Well, now we’re fucked. After a photographer in the small town of Venado Tuerto (pretty much Population: 0) took a picture of some lights in the sky one night a few months ago, he sent it to NASA for analysis. Their response? “Unable to identify object,” which means, of course, a UFO. So there you have it. We always thought we were safe in South America because, if Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s always Los Angeles or Manhattan being blown to hell and then the aliens get shot down by Barack Obama himself flying an F-15 before they can even hover below the Equator. But now they’re here, and trust me, I’ve seen movies. They up to no good, those black-eyed bastards.

• Update: NASA just said the whole thing was a hoax since they never confirmed any report. Fuck it, I already wrote the story, I’m not rewriting the whole thing.

Have a great Holy Weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday Tuesday again! And no, we didn’t change the day for the Weekly News Roundup, it’s just I’ve been too busy to care about it! See? Isn’t life better when we are all honest about ourselves? Like, for example, I know you don’t give a shit about me spending the entire Friday afternoon writing it since you usually read it “some time during the weekend,” but it’s OK, I still like you (unless you like that movie “Fight Club,” in which case you’re an idiot).

Anyway, let’s get down to business, shall we? This is what you needed to know last weekend and I was too lazy to upload on time:

• Do you have one of these? You might wanna hold on to it, just in case. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  WAR! Argentina has said enough and decided to finally speak out against tyrannical and probably Kenyan Nazi/communist/capitalist Barack Saddam Hussein Obama! In an unprecedented move, and led by Foreign Minister Hector Timerman, the local government accused the US of trying to smuggle “illegal communication devices and expired medicine” into the country after raiding a US Air Force plane that landed in the Ezeiza airport on February 10th. The plane’s cargo, which contained weapons that were to be used in a joint training operation between the US Army and the Federal Police, was seized after Customs authorities found “sensitive material” in it and instead of solving the whole thing there, the entire government got involved, sparking an international incident that has the US going “huh?”. Of course, this is all a shameful act put up by the local government, who’s behaving out of spite like a disgusted teenage girl after learning that President Barack Obama decided to skip Argentina during his Latin American tour. Just in case, just hold on to your passport if you’re a US citizen. You might be classified as an “enemy combatant” tomorrow and be shipped off to the Isla Martin Garcia.

• Oh, and not to piss you off, Madame President, but Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the Managing Director of the IMF has also decided to skip Argentina when visiting South America. Which I guess was a possibility, after you told him to go fuck himself like a hundred times. Oh well, we will always have Hugo Chavez.

• This week, in your inevitable Big Brother segment: Well, it happened. All hell broke loose last week after the production team decided to break the rules and allow four of the show’s most popular participants back in the house, all in the spirit of “spicing things up” in front of the cameras (and making more money of course). When the rest of the players found out about this live, they cried, they screamed and they yelled, saying producers had driven a stake through their soul. Ha ha! You silly people, you don’t have a soul! You sold it for a TV show, remember? Idiots. Watch the whole mutiny unfold here, here and here.

• Believe it or not, this clown is a lawmaker in the Salta province, and boy is he in trouble! Lawmaker Alfredo Olmedo (and his yellow windbreaker) gained nationwide notoriety last year as he strongly came out against the same-sex marriage law that the President was trying to pass in Congress. With controversial statements such as “gay people are sick” and “gay people are doomed,” Mr. Olmedo became somewhat of a joke since he preached “family values and tradition” but at the same time could be seen parading around Cocodrilo, Buenos Aires’ most popular strip club. Unfortunately for him, the law passed, so his head exploded and he went back to his castle in the middle of nowhere, where no homosexual could ever turn him gay. Last week, however, Mr. Olmedo was once again in the eye of storm after authorities found out he was the owner of several sweatshops in La Rioja and that he had printed thousands of campaign posters in which he could be seen shaking Lionel Messi’s hand. The Messi family is now outraged since apparently the photo was taken at an airport by chance and Olmedo decided to use it to attract voters. So now they are going to sue. Ha ha! Karma is a bitch, bitch!

• When he’s not starting a war with the US, controversial Foreign Minister Hector Timerman tweets. And he tweets a lot. Which means he even has time to start twitter fights with former Central Bank governor Martin Redrado and his girlfriend, sex bomb Luciana Salazar. When Mr. Redrado tweeted that Mr. Timerman’s behavior (after learning of Obama’s shunning) reminded him of “a brokenhearted lover,” the Foreign Minister replied with “well you must know a lot about lovers since you’re dating Luciana Salazar.” After such a classy response, Ms. Salazar decided to weight in and politely asked the Foreign Minister to keep her out of their discussions, to which he responded with a lame “Absolutely miss, and dare I say, I’m an avid follower of your work.” Did you just picture him touching himself? Because I did and it ain’t pretty.

• Five people died and over a hundred were injured last week when two passenger trains in the San Martin line collided in the San Miguel

  The Estadio Unico, a stadium in La Plata that you will probably never go to since it's a pain in the ass to get there. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  area, prompting the BA government to launch an investigation, which found that one of the trains had padlocks on one of its brakes. What this all means, I have no clue, but just in case, avoid the San Martin line like hell until further notice. It’s not like there are really any picturesque villas you can go tour (and when I say “villa” I don’t mean this, I mean this) so there’s no reason for you to head over there. So yeah. You’re welcome.

• Finally, after almost eight years of waiting, the Estadio Unico, in La Plata was formally inaugurated last week with a somewhat impressive celebration that suspiciously looked a little too much like the one we saw last May 25th during Argentina’s 200th anniversary parade. The stadium fits 53,000 people and will be one of the venues to host the Copa America later in the year, although you will probably get to see it next month when you go see U2 while I get to stay at home, staring at the wall because I couldn’t get any tickets.

• One-armed Buenos Aires Governor Daniel Scioli (seriously, he only has one arm) is at odds with President Fernandez de Kirchner. Despite belonging to the same party (the Victory Front) and being usually seen smiling together, it is becoming increasingly apparent that Mr. Scioli is a closeted right-wing politician. So when last week several news outlets incorrectly (although kind of on purpose) announced that schools in the Buenos Aires province would teach children the art of picketing and graffiti as some kind of valid social protest, Mr. Scioli said he would absolutely forbid such teachings since those practices are “illegal.” Which means that picketing, already a common practice in the city, will double soon since they will have to be set up outside of the BA province limits. Still have those walking shoes you bought some time ago? Good, you will need them unless you want to be stuck for three hours inside a bus going to San Telmo.

• Remember the guys who robbed the BAPRO bank in Belgrano during New Year’s Eve? The guys who made it to the cover of the New York Times for outsmarting the police, the government, and the public at large? Who were hoisted as “super smart” and brilliant and original, and everyone assured they were probably in Bali by now so they would never be caught? Yeah, well, they’ve been caught.

Have a great weekend week everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono