Preface: in order to make today’s roundup a more sensorial, enjoyable experience, I recommend you use this song as soundtrack. Or this one. Whatever.

It’s springtime again!

And if you thought the season of love and sunshine was going to usher in a new era of collective empathy and intellectual enlightenment, then you are FUCKING WRONG.

Yes, it’s warmer outside. Yes, condom companies have been fast to plaster the city with “funny” ads encouraging the younger generations to have sex. Oh, and to use condoms while they are at it.

But no matter how much love is in the air, Buenos Aires is after all the City of Fury, as genius Gustavo Cerati once sang in his classic ode to this concrete jungle, La Ciudad de la Furia.

I know. You can’t listen to this song while listening to one of the songs I recommended at the beginning. Well, figure it out yourself. I’m not your nanny.

Anyway, people are nervous man, they are nervous.

As the pressure continues to build between two factions who, despite my friendly warnings, keep hating each other, everyone is on edge.

Maybe it’s just a sign of the impending apocalypse coming soon to a city near you, when on December 21st, 2012 the four Mayan horsemen of the apocalypse release the kraken on us and nations collapse under the terrible weight of a bunch of Twilight fans angry at the world because Robert Pattinson is an idiot.

Whatever the case may be, the air is charged with negativity and it is clearly affecting us citizens. It’s like in Ghostbusters 2 when that pink goo that only reacted to negative thoughts made everyone fight each other, remember?

No? Really? I’m sure you remember the part when the Statue of Liberty comes to life, which is, like, a minor detail in the plot, and yet you don’t remember the goo?

Ugh, you suck. Like us on Facebook and then go to your room.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  A typical afternoon in the park in Buenos Aires. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Cacerolazo aftermath: Yes, the people spoke last week. But the Government didn’t listen. In fact, many in the Fernandez de Kirchner administration seemed to double down on their stance and directly insulted most of the protesters by calling them “violent, racist, rich angry people, coup-mongers, people who care more about Miami than Argentina,” and even dared to accuse them of supporting former dictator and current monster Jorge Rafael Videla when he took office via a coup d’état in 1976. Smart move Government! This reaction has of course galvanized the angry mobs even more, who have already began coordinating on Facebook to organize a second, larger cacerolazo. So let’s take a look at the most prominent reactions by the Kirchnerite-friendly folks.

• Cabinet Chief Juan Manuel Abal Medina said the protesters were more concerned about what happens in Miami than in Argentina.

• Just like Abal Medina, Kirchnerite Florencio Varela mayor Julio Pereyra also condemned the cacerolazos because these are just rich people who care about themselves. Then he and his family hopped on a plane to Miami for some very much-deserved vacations. No, really.

• And he didn’t fly coach.

• Oh, but it’s OK, don’t judge. It was because he had promised his son he would take him to Disney World. See? So wrong of you to judge. And he’s right, you don’t want to pull a North Korea and have to deal with the corporate rage of Walt Disney.

• And finally, former human rights hero and current parody of herself Hebe de Bonafini said all those who banged their pots that night also supported a coup back in 1976 that left 30,000 people dead. Yes, even those who were born after 1990. I’m not sure how, but they did man, they did.

• Oh, and don’t think that those banging their pots were all level-headed citizens clamoring for a comprehensive change in Government policy either. As usual, there were those calling President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner a Nazi, those who say Argentina is turning into Cuba or Venezuela, and even those who cheerfully chanted, telling Cristina to “go join her (dead) husband.”

• It’s September 21st, which besides being “Spring Day”, in Argentina students also celebrate “Student’s Day“. In Buenos Aires, celebrations consist of going to the Palermo parks, getting completely drunk and beating the shit out of each other. Ah, to be young again.

• Remember when the Indec said that you could eat well for $6 a day and everyone went apeshit and started trashing the entire city because everyone knows that a cheeseburger in Mc Donald’s costs like a trillion pesos? No, you don’t because according to Indec they never said that. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• You know how the media won’t stop talking about how dangerous Buenos Aires is becoming? A robbery here, a murder there? No, you don’t because according to Security Minister Nilda Garré “there has been no increase in crime” in the City. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• Meanwhile, somewhere abroad: the International Monetary Fund (also known as the Evil Brotherhood of Doom) decided it has had enough of Argentina’s tomfoolery and unreliable statistics, and gave the country until December 17th to put its affairs in order. If we fail to do so… get ready kids! Because Argentina could become the first country ever to be censored by the centuries-old brotherhood. I have no idea what that means but it certainly can’t be good. I mean, have you ever seen the censored version of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? They suck.

• This week, in our regular segment “Mother Nature is going to violently kill us all“: a terrible storm hit Uruguay, Paraguay and the Misiones province, and to a lesser extent the City and Greater Buenos Aires areas. Things in Uruguay got so bad that this is how people had to cross the streets in downtown Montevideo. Even Uruguayan president José Mujica, a natural-born altruist, was a victim of the strong winds after he got bitch-slapped in the face while he was trying to help a neighbor in need.

• You know how sometimes you hop on a bus and when you scan your SUBE card it turns out you don’t have enough money for the fare? The rational, civilized response to that predicament is to either make this face to the driver, or to suffer the embarrassment of having to step out of the bus while all the passengers boo you for wasting a couple of their precious seconds. Of course there’s now a third option, which consists of violently beating the shit out of the bus driver until he passes out and the bus drives into a building, hurting 30 people in the process. And yes, that happened.

• Sooooo… I really don’t want this column to be a total downer when it
  

  Uruguay’s president badass. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  comes to the local public transportation system (even though it already is) but if you browse through the City’s 2013 Budget (I know you won’t), you will discover that the Subte system is nowhere to be found, which means that the buck stops here and there are no more subsidies for the Subway next year. What’s that? You don’t know why you should care about this? Because a single Subte ride will go up to $3.90 if the system is not subsidized, that’s why. Feeling miserable yet?

• Of course there’s also the worst case scenario.

• Great news, kids! The Evita bills have finally hit the streets! And what’s great about them is that $100 are not worth shit anymore, so you can totally keep them as a souvenir for when you decide to go back to whatever country you came from because your financial situation in this country has become unbearable. Then you can show it to all your friends and amaze them with an awe-inspiring story of that time you got mugged in San Telmo or that time you got mugged in Palermo.

• A long time ago, gang fights were resolved in a pretty gay manner, which was awesome because differences were worked out through interpretive dancing and no one got hurt. Maybe emotionally, but that’s it. But this new wave of violence has turned us all into bitter beings, no matter how much the networks try to shove Glee down our throats, and gangs have chosen a new venue to resolve their problems: a hospital’s emergency room. At least 25 people were involved in a violent gang fight in a hospital in Moreno which not only terrified the patients and staff but also ended with seven people injured and one gang member dead. So basically it was just like that scene in West Side Story, only less gay. Oh, yeah and with a dead guy after it was over.

• [UPDATE] A few minutes after I published this roundup, this happened. It’s official: God hates me.

• Here’s a good one: Guy riding motorcycle gets violently hit by van in Retiro. Guy just lies there on the asphalt, conscious but badly injured. Reporter shows up out of nowhere, starts shoving microphone on guy’s mouth, asks him Pulitzer-winning question: “How are you doing?”. Ambulance pulls up, stops next to guy. Reporter tells ambulance driver to hurry and help guy. Driver responds he’s just stopping at the red light, he’s got no time to help the guy because “he’s got another patient in the back.” Ambulance leaves. Guy continues to lie there while hungry feral dog starts circling guy. Segment continues live for five more minutes, ambulance never shows up. Segment ends. No one knows whether guy survived or was eaten by rabid dog. What’s that? You are hoping there’s video evidence of all this? Congrats, it’s your lucky day.

Speaking to Uruguayan tabloid newspaper “La República,” president José Mujica admitted that commercial relations with Argentina are complicated due to the import restrictions implemented by president Crisitna Fernández de Kirchner’s government.

He said “Commercial relations with Argentina are very complicated, because they adopt policies which can cause obstacles.”

The president denied planning the use of mirror measures in counter-attack, but admitted that “something will have to be done” because “internal markets are valuable.”

Mujica also questioned some Uruguayan proposals, such as denouncing Argentina to the World Trade Organisation, which could affect Argentine real estate investment in Uruguay.

This comes after Argentina began to require non-automatic import licences, a measure which affects Uruguayan sales of products, such as cardboard, textiles, paper and plastic. It also blocks newsprint, magazines and books.

Congressional leaders in Uruguay voted early today to overturn the amnesty law made in 1986, which protected officers from being charged with human rights crimes committed during the military rule between 1975 and 1983.

After 12 hours of intense debate, 50 of 90 deputies backed the measure. Leaders in the Senate voted to scrap the amnesty law on Tuesday.

The new bill allows for the state to have the authority to exercise punitive power for crimes committed during the 12-year period of military rule that ended in March of 1985. It also includes such violations as “crimes against humanity under international treaties” and revokes any statute of limitations.

President José Mujica is expected to approve the measure to revoke the law, despite initially opposing it. Mujica was a member of Tupamaro, a leftist revolutionary group, during the mid 70s and early 80s.

Attempts to revoke the amnesty law were put to vote in 1989 and in 2009, and on both occasions there was not enough support to overturn it.

An estimated 7,000 political prisoners were held and tortured in Uruguay during the last military rule.

Trade unions in Uruguay have held a strike to demand better wages for workers and reject a five-year budget proposed by the government. Groups from public transport, health, education, official and banking sectors joined the strike.

The Inter-Union National Convention of Workers (PIT-CNT) has said that they were demanding a greater distribution of wealth as well as improvements in education, health and housing.

The strike came seven months after José “Pepe” Mujica became president of the country.

He said: “The workers have every right to hold demonstrations and that must be respected,” but also highlighted some “inconsistencies”.

The head of the PIT-CNT, Richard Read, said that there would be no official activity or physical mobilisation.

The strike has taken place in the midst of an internal conflict within the Uruguayan central union between conservative elements that are close to the government and the radicals.

The group with closest allegiances to the government has called upon its followers not to go out into the streets.

More radical elements are however expected to cause road blocks in Salto, in the north-east of the country.

In July Mujica announced state reforms that would end the immobility of public servants, reform the civil service and establish a new pay system.

Story courtesy of Agencia Pulsar, a news agency run by AMARC-ALC network of community radios.

After his inauguration on Monday as Uruguay’s 52nd president, José ‘Pepe’ Mujica has served his first full day as head of state. The 74-year-old ex-guerrilla leader took office yesterday in Montevideo, and the 13 members of his new cabinet were sworn in today.

Mujica, the country’s second consecutive president from the left-wing party Frente Amplio, has promised to work towards integration and social progress. Speaking at an international press conference on Sunday, Mujica said that he wants to, “eliminate destitution in the country, lower poverty by 50% and massively stimulate education and culture”.

However, despite emphasising the need for social change, Mujica stated in his inaugural speech that his first aim was to support the economy, saying “we need investors” and that “if we don’t increase our wealth, everything else is blah blah blah”.

In terms of foreign policy, he stressed his commitment to working with other Latin American countries, and bi-lateral summits have been arranged with the leaders of Ecuador, Columbia and Venezuela. Moreover, he has stated that Uruguay is wedded to the South American economic union Mercosur “til death do us part”.

Mujica has also stressed his commitment to working with the opposition and reaching bi-partisan agreements, saying “all or nothing is stupid, it achieves nothing”. Notably, he distanced himself from his earlier, more radical stance as a left-wing guerrilla, describing himself in a meeting between Argentine and Uruguayan business leaders as a “wild cat that has turned vegetarian”.

In the 1960s Mujica became a founding member of the left-wing guerrilla movement Tupamaro and following his radical activism he spent 15 years of his life in jail. After the return of democracy to Uruguay in 1985, he was released and between 2005 and 2008 he served as Uruguay’s minister for livestock, agriculture and fishing. Mujica won the country’s second round of presidential elections in November 2009 with 52% of the votes.

Environmental issues were high on the new president’s agenda and as symbol to mark his commitment to solving energy problems in Uruguay, he made his journey from the legislative palace to Plaza Independencia in an electric car.