Preface: in order to make today’s roundup a more sensorial, enjoyable experience, I recommend you use this song as soundtrack. Or this one. Whatever.
It’s springtime again!
And if you thought the season of love and sunshine was going to usher in a new era of collective empathy and intellectual enlightenment, then you are FUCKING WRONG.
Yes, it’s warmer outside. Yes, condom companies have been fast to plaster the city with “funny” ads encouraging the younger generations to have sex. Oh, and to use condoms while they are at it.
But no matter how much love is in the air, Buenos Aires is after all the City of Fury, as genius Gustavo Cerati once sang in his classic ode to this concrete jungle, La Ciudad de la Furia.
I know. You can’t listen to this song while listening to one of the songs I recommended at the beginning. Well, figure it out yourself. I’m not your nanny.
Anyway, people are nervous man, they are nervous.
As the pressure continues to build between two factions who, despite my friendly warnings, keep hating each other, everyone is on edge.
Maybe it’s just a sign of the impending apocalypse coming soon to a city near you, when on December 21st, 2012 the four Mayan horsemen of the apocalypse release the kraken on us and nations collapse under the terrible weight of a bunch of Twilight fans angry at the world because Robert Pattinson is an idiot.
Whatever the case may be, the air is charged with negativity and it is clearly affecting us citizens. It’s like in Ghostbusters 2 when that pink goo that only reacted to negative thoughts made everyone fight each other, remember?
No? Really? I’m sure you remember the part when the Statue of Liberty comes to life, which is, like, a minor detail in the plot, and yet you don’t remember the goo?
Ugh, you suck. Like us on Facebook and then go to your room.
This is what you need to know:
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A typical afternoon in the park in Buenos Aires. (Photo/Wikipedia)
Cacerolazo aftermath: Yes, the people spoke last week. But the Government didn’t listen. In fact, many in the Fernandez de Kirchner administration seemed to double down on their stance and directly insulted most of the protesters by calling them “violent, racist, rich angry people, coup-mongers, people who care more about Miami than Argentina,” and even dared to accuse them of supporting former dictator and current monster Jorge Rafael Videla when he took office via a coup d’état in 1976. Smart move Government! This reaction has of course galvanized the angry mobs even more, who have already began coordinating on Facebook to organize a second, larger cacerolazo. So let’s take a look at the most prominent reactions by the Kirchnerite-friendly folks.
- Cabinet Chief Juan Manuel Abal Medina said the protesters were more concerned about what happens in Miami than in Argentina.
- Just like Abal Medina, Kirchnerite Florencio Varela mayor Julio Pereyra also condemned the cacerolazos because these are just rich people who care about themselves. Then he and his family hopped on a plane to Miami for some very much-deserved vacations. No, really.
- And he didn’t fly coach.
- Oh, but it’s OK, don’t judge. It was because he had promised his son he would take him to Disney World. See? So wrong of you to judge. And he’s right, you don’t want to pull a North Korea and have to deal with the corporate rage of Walt Disney.
- And finally, former human rights hero and current parody of herself Hebe de Bonafini said all those who banged their pots that night also supported a coup back in 1976 that left 30,000 people dead. Yes, even those who were born after 1990. I’m not sure how, but they did man, they did.
- Oh, and don’t think that those banging their pots were all level-headed citizens clamoring for a comprehensive change in Government policy either. As usual, there were those calling President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner a Nazi, those who say Argentina is turning into Cuba or Venezuela, and even those who cheerfully chanted, telling Cristina to “go join her (dead) husband.”
- It’s September 21st, which besides being “Spring Day”, in Argentina students also celebrate “Student’s Day“. In Buenos Aires, celebrations consist of going to the Palermo parks, getting completely drunk and beating the shit out of each other. Ah, to be young again.
- Remember when the Indec said that you could eat well for $6 a day and everyone went apeshit and started trashing the entire city because everyone knows that a cheeseburger in Mc Donald’s costs like a trillion pesos? No, you don’t because according to Indec they never said that. So there, case closed. Now shut up.
- You know how the media won’t stop talking about how dangerous Buenos Aires is becoming? A robbery here, a murder there? No, you don’t because according to Security Minister Nilda Garré “there has been no increase in crime” in the City. So there, case closed. Now shut up.
- Meanwhile, somewhere abroad: the International Monetary Fund (also known as the Evil Brotherhood of Doom) decided it has had enough of Argentina’s tomfoolery and unreliable statistics, and gave the country until December 17th to put its affairs in order. If we fail to do so… get ready kids! Because Argentina could become the first country ever to be censored by the centuries-old brotherhood. I have no idea what that means but it certainly can’t be good. I mean, have you ever seen the censored version of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? They suck.
- This week, in our regular segment “Mother Nature is going to violently kill us all“: a terrible storm hit Uruguay, Paraguay and the Misiones province, and to a lesser extent the City and Greater Buenos Aires areas. Things in Uruguay got so bad that this is how people had to cross the streets in downtown Montevideo. Even Uruguayan president José Mujica, a natural-born altruist, was a victim of the strong winds after he got bitch-slapped in the face while he was trying to help a neighbor in need.
- You know how sometimes you hop on a bus and when you scan your SUBE card it turns out you don’t have enough money for the fare? The rational, civilized response to that predicament is to either make this face to the driver, or to suffer the embarrassment of having to step out of the bus while all the passengers boo you for wasting a couple of their precious seconds. Of course there’s now a third option, which consists of violently beating the shit out of the bus driver until he passes out and the bus drives into a building, hurting 30 people in the process. And yes, that happened.
- Sooooo… I really don’t want this column to be a total downer when it
Uruguay’s president badass. (Photo/Wikipedia)
comes to the local public transportation system (even though it already is) but if you browse through the City’s 2013 Budget (I know you won’t), you will discover that the Subte system is nowhere to be found, which means that the buck stops here and there are no more subsidies for the Subway next year. What’s that? You don’t know why you should care about this? Because a single Subte ride will go up to $3.90 if the system is not subsidized, that’s why. Feeling miserable yet?
- Of course there’s also the worst case scenario.
- Great news, kids! The Evita bills have finally hit the streets! And what’s great about them is that $100 are not worth shit anymore, so you can totally keep them as a souvenir for when you decide to go back to whatever country you came from because your financial situation in this country has become unbearable. Then you can show it to all your friends and amaze them with an awe-inspiring story of that time you got mugged in San Telmo or that time you got mugged in Palermo.
- A long time ago, gang fights were resolved in a pretty gay manner, which was awesome because differences were worked out through interpretive dancing and no one got hurt. Maybe emotionally, but that’s it. But this new wave of violence has turned us all into bitter beings, no matter how much the networks try to shove Glee down our throats, and gangs have chosen a new venue to resolve their problems: a hospital’s emergency room. At least 25 people were involved in a violent gang fight in a hospital in Moreno which not only terrified the patients and staff but also ended with seven people injured and one gang member dead. So basically it was just like that scene in West Side Story, only less gay. Oh, yeah and with a dead guy after it was over.
- [UPDATE] A few minutes after I published this roundup, this happened. It’s official: God hates me.
- Here’s a good one: Guy riding motorcycle gets violently hit by van in Retiro. Guy just lies there on the asphalt, conscious but badly injured. Reporter shows up out of nowhere, starts shoving microphone on guy’s mouth, asks him Pulitzer-winning question: “How are you doing?”. Ambulance pulls up, stops next to guy. Reporter tells ambulance driver to hurry and help guy. Driver responds he’s just stopping at the red light, he’s got no time to help the guy because “he’s got another patient in the back.” Ambulance leaves. Guy continues to lie there while hungry feral dog starts circling guy. Segment continues live for five more minutes, ambulance never shows up. Segment ends. No one knows whether guy survived or was eaten by rabid dog. What’s that? You are hoping there’s video evidence of all this? Congrats, it’s your lucky day.
- Another notorious case of violence (this time not in Buenos Aires) occurred when a cop and a kioskero got into a fight for some reason I don’t know but let’s say he was out of alfajores. A Good Samaritan who was passing by saw the kerfuffle and decided to intervene and separate them, but the cop was apparently trigger happy and decided to shoot him. Nine times. Yes, the Good Samaritan is dead. Moral of the story? Never help anyone. “Where was this?”, says you? “Where else!”, says I.
- Yes. Salta.
- Haha! Those River Plate fans are hilarious when it comes to trying to stop their team from losing. I mean, they are fucking nuts and put of a lot of other people’s lives at risk, but they are hilarious nonetheless! Look at them last Sunday, exercising their violence in a theatrical way so the game has to be canceled. At least they don’t punch a bus driver in the face or shoot a guy nine times. OK, they shoot at people but not nine times! I don’t know. I think they’re adorable.
- A long, long time ago (last month), Juan Martín del Potro was a national hero who managed to obtain a bronze medal in the London Olympics. Remember? The tears! The pride! The success of having an Argentine standing on the podium! Thousands applauded him. But time is cruel and as it passes, people tend to forget their once-lauded sportsmen. That is why last week, when Juan Martín decided to quit the Davis Cup competition due to some wrist problems (which led to Argentina being defeated) the people decided to give him an appropriate send off. And no, no one there was saying boo-urns.
- Move over, Juan Martín del Potro! There’s a new hero in town, and his name is Sergio “Maravilla” Martínez! Not only he’s an extroverted, funny chap, but as of last Saturday he became the WMC Middleweight Champion after violently beating the shit out of Julio César Chávez Jr. He moved us all to tears in that final round and made us sit on the edge of our seats until that final second in which he managed to defeat his most powerful opponent who was positively not high. Congratulations, Sergio!
- Oh, shit. Let the booing begin.
- And last but not least, remember six months ago when Cristina happily announced the return of the F-1 championship to Mar del Plata in 2013? No? Well, that’s good because it wasn’t true.
- Also, during her announcement six months ago, Cristina jokingly warned Tourism Minister Enrique Meyer that “this deal better be closed or I’ll kill you.” He better run.
