It’s Friday again!

And don’t forget to like us on Facebook, because we’re trying to get more fans than Justin Bieber and for some reason it’s going pretty slow.

This is what you need to…- What? No, no introductory paragraph today.

What’s the point anymore? You already know what this is all about.

Just read, who cares.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez, who you don't know very well but have heard that he's like Saddam, or Bin Laden or Darth Vader or one of those. You're not sure. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Victory! Our Venezuelan brothers and sisters once again decided that change is no fun and reelected supreme overlord Hugo Chávez for the third time. Which means we’re gonna have to put up with his singing until 2019, when I’m sure he’ll be reelected again, and again, and again. Our lady President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was fast to tweet about it, and now all we need is for their socialist partner in crime of the north Barack HUSSEIN (this part all in caps to remind you he’s probably Kenyan or Arab or something) Obama to get reelected so the three of them can form the axis of coolness. No, really. Believe it or not Chávez is super gay for Obama. Read this piece by Reuters and tell me there’s not an underlying tone of homoeroticism somewhere in there.

• Seriously? First bullet point and I already need to explain I’m joking? OK.

• But not all was well in the Bolivarian (I said Bolivarian, not Bolivian, and yes, there’s a difference) republic, since local anti-Kirchnerite journalist and “kind of affable guy” Jorge Lanata, who was there to cover the electoral process, was stopped by the Venezuelan police as he was trying to leave the country and had all his footage confiscated and erased. Understandably upset, Lanata took to his news network to denounce censorship, an accusation that was met by Kirchnerites with skepticism and mockery. Now, does Lanata dislike Cristina? Absolutely. Is this a made up story in order to make the Government look bad? Unlikely, but you’re welcome to believe whatever makes you feel any better. But when you say “if it truly happened, then he deserved it” just because you don’t like what he says, then it’s time to admit that it’s not that you don’t like a fascist state. You just don’t like a fascist state you disagree with.

• Oh, and before you get the hate mail rolling: no. I didn’t not just call this Government “fascist”. I’m simply trying to exemplify that if you are willing to let such blatant violation of freedom of the press (real or not) go unnoticed just because you don’t like a network’s ideology, then you have no right to complain when in the future something similar happens to a journalist you like. Got it?

• Also, there’s a lot happening with regards to the Government’s Media Law and the day it’s supposed to go in effect (December 7th, or “7-D”), but I know all about your short attention span and if I explain what it’s about you’ll forget in two hours so I’d rather cover it in the coming months. In the meantime, here’s Cristina talking about it on Cadena Nacional this week.

• You didn’t click on that, did you? That’s OK, I’m just checking.

• Here are some good news: the Grandmothers of the Plaza de Mayo announced that they have identified the 107th grandchild, a 34-year-old woman who was born in captivity and given away during the last military dictatorship.

• Speaking of that, remember last week how there was an imminent coup that according to some in the Government was threatening the very basis of democracy as we knew it and heralded a return to the dark ages of totalitarianism? Turns out it was just a legitimate protest. Sorry everyone!

• Ah, the abortion issue. Divider of societies and infuriator of gods. When several months ago the Supreme Court ruled in favor of abortion in case of rape, progressives all over the country celebrated while conservatives were dismayed by the thought of having to share Paradise with gay couples and dead babies. As the City passed a bill last month allowing abortion in cases of rape, Mayor Mauricio Macri said he would veto it because he didn’t agree with a couple of provisions, and for some reason mentioned when the first legal abortion was scheduled to take place. Obviously that was the perfect excuse for religious organizations to come out guns blazing, including Pro-Vida (Pro-Life, wink) who filed an injunction in court against the operation. Not only that, anti-abortion activists staged a protest outside the woman’s house (yes, the woman who was raped and got pregnant while in captivity) and one of Pro-Vida’s lawyers engaged in a cringing verbal war with C5N news anchor Debora Plager, who I totally want to marry right now.

• But in the end, sanity prevailed: the City had no choice but to appeal the ruling even though it agrees with it (Macri hadn’t vetoed the bill by the time she scheduled the abortion) and the judge who suspended the surgery was removed from the case. Yay!

• Also, if you’re suffering from information overload, here’s another way of dealing with abortion.

• This week, in “Presidential Visits that Go Largely Unnoticed because the Media Doesn’t Care“: Ireland’s Michael Higgins.

• Remember last week when I told you about the Fragata Libertad and how it had been impounded by the Ghanaian government? Yeah, well. Sorry, it’s still impounded after Argentina failed to convince a square judge that the ship is entitled to immunity because it’s a military vessel. Articles are already surfacing about “how the crew is dealing with their unavoidable life in Ghana” and how they had to take some medicine in order to escape a deadly bout of malaria. It’s just like “Survivor“! Or it’s aborted Argentine version, Expedición Robinson which no one cared about.

• No seriously, it was really bad! Look.

• Oh, and the local Government, still enduring a bucolic hibernation and tumbling out of bed, finally decided to “send some guys over there and see what the fuzz is all about.”

• Three people found dead in a car in the middle of the jungle. Shot over forty times. You know where. Just evacuate that place.

• OUTRAGE! The local media, and by osmosis, the Argentine population, are offended with the neighboring country of Peru due at a YouTube video that went viral this week showing a Peruvian girl hitting an Argentine classmate outside their university in some region I never heard of. The Argentine girl, obviously offended because like I said six words ago, she’s Argentine, is demanding that the authorities do something against the tyrant bully and her xenophobic kingdom of terror. But as the Peruvian sheriffs seemingly failed to topple such a monstrous behemoth, the colossal task was left to the Argentine YouTube users, who by means of powerful acceptance and surgical diplomacy tried to handle such international crisis in the best way possible: “Dude, why the fuck are you staying there with all those indians? Just get a scholarship and come study to your country with your fellow countrymen. Those natives are NOT your people. Leave.“

• Yeah, that was an actual comment by YouTube user rainerschanegger. Klemens von Metternich must be proud. Or spinning in his grave.

• As we all know, it’s been scientifically proven that Palermo is the
  

  Klemens von Metternich. You probably don't know who he is, which makes him spin in his grave even more. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  neighborhood with all the cool happenings. So in case you were doing some laps around the park or sweating it at Vitruvian on Thursday, you may have noticed the Animal Control van parked in front of the planetario. As it turns out, people in the area were being terrified by a blood-thirsty monkey that had escaped from illegal captivity and was instilling fear by sitting casually on a tree while eating a tuna sandwich. Fortunately for the nation at large, the ungodly creature was killed “recaptured” and returned to safety (in a zoo). We hope. Ha! It’s a jungle out there. Literally! Right? RIGHT?!

• I know, I hate myself too.

• Oh and suddenly this doesn’t look like a clever marketing stunt anymore, does it? THIS IS HOW IT ALL STARTS, PEOPLE!!!!

• Now this is a tough one guys, so I need you to sit down. You know that I have a full disclosure policy. I like to be upfront when it comes to bad news because no matter how hard they are, it’s better to take them fast, remove them like a band-aid. I don’t know how to tell you this… well, actually I do: Ricardo Fort‘s show got cancelled last Saturday. Teary-eyed and visibly heartbroken, his honest farewell to his loyal audience of 17 people can only be compared to other moments of infinite sadness in pop culture history, such as the death of Bambi’s mom and the death of Simba’s dad. But before you run to your room and angrily tear up his posters, good old Ricardo regaled us with his unique talent one last time. And please, before you watch this, keep in mind that this is NOT parody. Enjoy his last song, and try not to kill yourself after it.

• Also: Disney, what the hell’s wrong with you?! No wonder we’re all fucked up.

• Monumental joy! If you happened to be walking around Libertador Av. last Monday afternoon, you were probably terrorized by chanting hordes of River Plate fans that were ravaging everything on their way in order to celebrate the creation of “the longest flag in the world.” That’s right, never underestimate football fans with a lot of time in their hands because this is what they’ll come up with. Right outside the River Plate stadium in Nuñez, over one hundred thousand fans dressed in red and white congregated in order to show the Guinness World Records that their flag (and by transference their penises) is the longest one in the world. 7.8 kilometers long! Think of the long work hours, the effort, the people who have died in the creation of such a gargantuan task only comparable to the pyramids of Giza. Congratulations are in order, River Plate fans. So congratulations!

• No, wait. I take that back. Next time do a little research, guys. As it turns out the “longest flag in the world” already exists and (sorry to tell you this) it’s 25 kilometers long! And it gets worse: it is also in Argentina! And it gets even worse: it was unveiled two years ago during the bicentennial celebrations in front of the entire nation! Ha! I assume you didn’t get the memo, eh fuckers? Better luck next time.

• What’s that, River Plate fans? Oh, the Guinness World Records still hasn’t officially recognized it so you’re trying to beat the Argentine flag to the punch? Oh, that’s clever! Who knows, maybe all the effort was not in vain after all and you will…- oh, fuck.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep fucking reminding you about this every Friday.

Argentine journalist Jorge Lanata claims that police held him and a group of journalists for over two hours at Simón Bólivar Airport in Caracas on Monday.

Lanata said that during this time the police erased the material he had recorded while covering the presidential elections in Venezuela.

Lanata, from Canal 13, is one of the most well-known figures of Argentine journalism and is an outspoken critic of Argentine president, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, a close ally of Hugo Chávez, Venezuela’s recently re-elected president.

The Argentine ambassador to Venezuela, Carlos Cheppi, said that he had been in touch with the Venezuelan Interior Minister after he heard Lanata was being held up at the airport and that he had assured him “no material was extracted or erased”.

“They told me that there was some form of provocation from Lanata, with him very visibly showing a dossier from Intelligence Services which is why they stopped him in the first place,” said Cheppi.

Lanata told TV channel TN that SEBIN (the Venezuelan intelligence services) wanted to interrogate him on suspicion of spying after he had revealed secret information. According to Lanata he had made public the fact that SEBIN had been ordered to monitor his team while in the country and asked whether this decision had been taken through pressure from the Argentine government.

“What they did was erase all our computers, all our telephones, which meant that we couldn’t communicate with anyone. I wanted to contact the Argentine Embassy and I couldn’t,” said Lanata.

“We felt very alone in those dark rooms of the SEBIN where we were threatened and robbed by policemen,” describes Nicolás Wiñazki, one of the journalists of Lanata’s group, in his column in Clarín.

The Argentine government, through Gustavo López of the President’s Office, has raised suspicions about Lanata’s description of events.

“It seems strange that with thousands of journalists, thousands of media companies, absolutely against Hugo Chávez’ government, with very strong interests, as are some of the North American media, the only one who had a problem is him,” López told news agency DyN.

López then called for “a bit more clarity” as to what happened and said that if freedom of speech had been impeded they would support Lanata as this “fundamental right should not be tainted by political interests”.

Oh, it’s Friday alright.

And today’s edition of the Weekly News Roundup is particularly fat and juicy, so let’s get down to business fast.

First things first: after thousands and thousands of annoying emails from you, my loyal readers, urging me to create a Weekly News Roundup Facebook page so you can be even lazier every Friday and find this column in one click instead of three, guess what… Here it is! Now you better like it a thousand times and share it on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and Friendster or else.

Also, if so much shit keeps going down every week in this country, I’m either gonna need an intern or a pacemaker.

Since the intern is pretty unlikely, I guess I’m fucked.

This is what you need to know before I have a stroke:

• 

  Probably for the first time in its history, Argentina had a president that was only in power for a few hours due to reasons not related to a coup d'état or a horrible economic crisis. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  On Wednesday, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner flew to Angola, a country that you know is in Africa but that’s pretty much all you know about it (What’s the capital of Angola? See? I told you) to promote bilateral trade - or so she says. Since our favorite Vice-President, mischievous Amado Boudou was in Switzerland receiving an award from the UIT - or so he says - it was up to the third person in line, Provisional Head of the Senate Beatriz Rojkés de Alperovich to step up to the challenge and become acting President, at least until any of the other two came back. Beatriz, a gaffe-prone politician known for accidentally voting in favor of creating a special bicameral committee to investigate Boudou (she was supposed to vote against it) was never even given a chance to speak, just in case she accidentally declared war with the UK. I’m telling you, you can’t even make this whole thing up. It’s like living in an endless sitcom.

• Meanwhile, in Angola… THIS.

• Speaking of Vice-President Amado Boudou, the poor man (I say “poor man” figuratively) can’t catch a break. Not only he’s being investigated of influence peddling, now he has also being accused of being part of an illegal enrichment scheme along with his red-hot temptress of a girlfriend.

• But if you think that it’s only the Kirchnerite realm that is in deep shit, you are dead wrong. Opposition leader by default and Buenos Aires Mayor by accident Mauricio Macri is still being investigated for allegedly authorizing the illegal wiretapping and surveillance of private citizens. Since the case is headed to trial, Macri is expected to take the stand and be questioned by the prosecution.

• But as his Nixonian nightmare continues to develop, Mayor Macri doesn’t care. This week he was busy awarding universally reviled Guatemalan singer Ricardo Arjona with one of those ugly-looking tiles that are being scattered throughout the city in a poor attempt to imitate the Hollywood Walk of Fame. That’s how much he cares about this whole espionage scandal. Macri is badass. Just like the honey badger, Mayor Macri don’t care. Mayor Macri don’t give a shit.

• Meanwhile in Angola… THIS. Government officials regaled barefoot Angolan kids with socks reading “Clarín lies.” This is conceptually so fucked up that I couldn’t even come up with a joke. Sorry.

• Last Sunday brought another edition of Periodismo Para Todos, an infotainment show hosted by serial smoker and controversial journalist Jorge Lanata that has become the de facto leader of the political opposition. Whatever new “scandal” Lanata hits Cristina with, we know that the opposition will bite on it and parrot it for days until whatever new controversy arises. This week his show focused on how Cristina hates to give press conferences (she’s only given a few during her presidency and when she does she is very aggressive towards any reporters who are ideologically different), and featured a surprise appearance by dozens of prominent journalists who chanted in unison “Queremos preguntar!” (“We want to ask questions”). Once the impromptu Greek chorus settled down, Lanata gave his guests a chance to address the President directly on live television and ask her the questions that they are not able to ask to her face. Just imagine, so many things! Inflation! Corruption! The dollar! Rising insecurity! So Argentine TV and radio legend Fernando Bravo, who doesn’t have a Wikipedia page in English so I guess he’s not that much of a legend, was the one chosen to unleash the blitz first because of his sharp tongue and acute political savvy. As the crowd went silent and the entire country sat on the edge of their seat in horror, petrified by his imminent words, Lanata approached the microphone and said: “Fernando, what would you like to ask?” And then Fernando had an “I like turtles” moment and said “Uhm, I’d like to ask the President… what does she think about this show we’re doing?” (00:44 mark). Everyone’s jaws automatically dislocated in disbelief due to the resounding stupidity of his question, and because just like that he had fucked up the entire momentum of the segment. You can even hear a few subtle chuckles by his colleagues in the back! Are you still wondering why journalism is dying?

• Oh, and by the way: if you don’t know what an “I like turtles!” moment is, click here to watch where it comes from.

• Since this week I’ve been asked to death about what I think is going to happen with the dollar, let me tell you: First, fuck you, I’m not an economist. Second: read this CNBC article that explains it pretty clearly and leave me alone.

• Oops! You know how we’re always complaining about inflation but the Government says there’s no inflation, only “price dispersion“? (You didn’t click on that link, did you? Don’t worry, I wouldn’t have either). Well, as it turns out, a group of renegade employees (or as I’ll call them: “traitors”) working for the official inflation-measuring agency INDEC decided to come clean and release the list of prices used to calculate the country’s Consumer Price Index, revealing that the figures reflect prices from 2008. Now let’s just sit and wait for the Government to accuse these men of blasphemy and explain that their numbers are cooked while assuring that according to INDEC calculations we’re indeed living in 2008, not 2012.

• As I’m sure you probably know, subway workers went on an insane 36-hour strike this week that turned traffic into one citywide clusterfuck. The reason for the strike, as I’ve stated here before, is that the Subte is in legal limbo. It’s bleeding money. A lot of money. So neither City Hall nor the National Government want to deal with it, and it’s been like that for several months now, you know the story. Plus, employees are asking for higher salaries and the company says there is no money left. So how were we, common peasants, supposed to go to work? Fret not, my fellow reader! Fortunately for you, your favorite newspaper in the whole world La Nación was there to save the day with their drama-queen headline “How to survive 36 hours without the Subte“, which was later changed to sound less apocalyptic. The article boasts some clever, mind-blowing tips to get from Point A to Point B, such as “walking” or “taking a bus.” Also, in some clear attempt to think outside of the box, it also suggests “taking a taxi” or in some extreme cases, “riding a bike.” I smell a Pulitzer!

• No, really. Are you still wondering why journalism is dying?

• Also, when I refer to La Nación as ”your favorite” Spanish-based newspaper, I mean it. I know you people are obsessed with it. I see you there “liking” it on Facebook and posting every meaningless article they put up on your timeline like there’s nothing else to read. Which means you totally dismissed my advice suggesting your read all newspapers in the country and you’ve greatly disappointed me. Now go to your room.

• And I don’t mean to freak you out but since the union conflicts within the Subte continue, workers have announced a three-day strike next week, which means they will close on Monday night and reopen on Friday morning. Oh, it’s gonna be a fun week.

• Remember how last week I lashed at the British for making that lame, lame Olympic ad spoof that “laughed” at the Argentine proclivity to be late? Guess what. This week, all is forgiven! Even better: it appears they actually took my advice and came up not only with a technically and visually superb ad, but they also made fun of Diego Maradona! Sure, the Carlsberg beer ad glorifies and potentially exacerbates the concept of hooliganism. But who cares about all that when you get to see Diego Maradona mopping the floors for a fraction of a second wearing the t-shirt of the Argentine football team? Certainly not me. Enjoy the ad.

• This week in gay: Finally! City Hall has decided to allow gay foreigners get married in the city of Buenos Aires. It seems that Mayor Macri’s views on gay marriage “evolved” just like Obama’s last week. More gay news coming up after this.

• Not content with its already flamboyantly gay name, Harrod’s Buenos Aires, that abandoned black hole sitting close to the intersection of Florida and Cordoba that has remained vacant for decades since it went broke forever ago, is apparently making a comeback. Well, not only a comeback. A gay comeback! (See? I told you it was about gay news). That’s right. The project to reopen Harrod’s, estimated at 40 million dollars, is aimed at “the gay segment of the population” which is kind of an overstatement considering nothing in this world is gayer than a shopping mall. Maybe a football game, but that’s another story. Congratulations, gays! You know you’ve finally reached equality when capitalism begins targeting your demographic for financial exploitation.

• Despite the popular belief that the New Kids on the Block were all dead, apparently they are kind of alive and for some reason they are coming to Argentina next month. It seems that even though they are neither new nor kids, they have some pretty solid fan base here. So in case you’re planning on going to see them promote their unpronounceable album, here is a link to the site where you can buy the tickets.

• I know. I’m not going either but whatever. It’s courtesy.

• I’m sure by now we’ve all lost count of how many spin-offs the Argentine version of Dancing With the Stars (in Spanish, Bailando por un Sueño, or “Dancing For a Dream”) has spawned in the last few years. But as Singing With the Stars approaches its premiere date, producers are trying to milk that cow in every way possible. So now there’s this show aptly named Soñando por Cantar (Dreaming to Sing… barf), a mixture of American Idol and something else that I’m having trouble identifying. So contestants go on stage and embarrass themselves for a few minutes and stuff. No, seriously. In a nutshell, that’s pretty much the concept of the show. And this week, this girl was on stage and was asked to perform Whitney Houston‘s unforgettable “I Will Always Love you“. Unfortunately not only she agreed to channel her inner Whitney, she also totally butchered the song by singing in Spanish and completely off key. Ms. Houston, who was probably already spinning in her grave due to this, seems to have said “enough of this bullshit” and ghost-punched her in the face to end this postmortem debauchery once and for all. The result is, of course, hilarious.

• That’s OK, take your time to laugh. There’s no rush.

• OK, this is a football one with lots of plot twists and names so chances are
  

  Lesson learned: don't piss off dead Whitney. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  I’m gonna fuck up big time. But fear not, because all that matters is the hilarious video at the end. Ricardo Caruso Lombardi is the current coach of a team named San Lorenzo. People tell me it’s a fairly popular team (I’m already lost but I’ll keep going). Caruso Lombardi is fairly new to San Lorenzo, since he was brought in to replace the former coach, Leonardo Madelón. The Madelón years were, according to football historians, pretty forgettable. In fact, he began coaching last November and was fired in April after five months of poor performances. I’m not sure what befell Madelón after his resignation but I’m pretty sure he’s dead. Or at least he’s been banished from the kingdom. I don’t know, some friends were explaining the whole thing to me but Family Guy was on and I find it really hard to retain any football-related data so I may not have all the information that you need. The thing is Madelón is gone, that’s for sure. Maybe dead, too. But anyway, last Monday afternoon Caruso Lombardi was a guest at some football TV show and, alas, he spoke ill of his (dead?) predecessor’s performance. Naturally, the predecessor’s minions (or “field assistants”) were not amused by his lack of decorum and principles and decided to go wait for him outside the TV station to discuss the matter like grown up gentlemen. Or, in other words, beat the shit out of him.

• The cop trying to separate the two of them while sexting his girlfriend at the 00:41 mark is one of the best things I’ve seen in my entire life.

• And finally! I never thought I would ever write the words “Obama” and “Boca Juniors” in the same paragraph, but here it is. This week Barack Obama was driving around Washington DC with his posse and decided to go get some food. He entered some random joint, got his sandwiches, paid, met with the owners a few minutes and left. Now, if you’re wondering why this was plastered all over the newspapers, computer screens and discussed ad nauseum in every social and TV network, it is because the guy behind the counter was wearing a Boca Juniors t-shirt!! Not only that, Obama said that the t-shirt had “beautiful colors”! Oh my God, you guys!!!!!! This was enough to make all Boca fans around to world to join in a collective orgasm and miraculously start praising Obama for being the best president in like, ever. It was also featured here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

• And of course, minutes later the restaurant owner had his fifteen minutes of fame after Clarín published his mandatory “Who is…?” profile. He likes to sell choripanes, people! Thank God for that piece of information. My life is now complete.

• For the last time, are you still wondering why journalism is dying? Yeah, I didn’t think so.