Yesterday President Fernández spoke at the South American-Arab summit about the colonial situation of the Falkland/Malvinas Islands and demanded a Palestinian Sate. She also angled critique towards the developing countries for leaving the economic crisis behind.

“A more fair and safe world will only be achieved from greater equality between countries and when true multilateralism is put in practise,” advised President Christina Fernández de Kirchner in one of the first speeches at the South American-Arab Summit in Lima, Peru.

With a strong appeal to change the world order she called out to the developing countries to take their responsibility and act to avoid the worst effects of the economic situations hitting a strong finish in the Southern Hemisphere. She advised: “The crisis will not be resolved in the medium or the short term”.

She also emphasised the importance of letting Palestine be declared a state and to be included in the United Nations, referring to the issue as “the big link between the Middle East and world peace”.

The president also made sure to draw a parallel between the Palestinian conflict and the colonial situation in the South Atlantic Ocean, stating “we know what territorial occupation means”. She urged for the last traces of colonialism to finally be removed from the region and pointed out that the UN’s decolonisation resolutions should be respected.

It’s Friday again!

And today is of course a very special day for all of us!

No, I’m not talking about today being another holiday to commemorate the death of Argentina’s forefather José de San Martín (which, by the way, was moved to Monday to make it a long weekend for some reason. Wouldn’t Friday be the same thing?).

No, the reason is that this column is turning two years old this week!

It was almost two years ago that out of a drunken epiphany I decided to create a weekly summary of Argentine news for the average (i.e. lazy) expats who took pride in claiming that they didn’t care who the president of this country was.

Hence the first Weekly News Roundup (seen here) was born on a cold, rainy morning of August 20th, 2010.

It was a short, unfunny, half-assed attempt at writing something different that only got two comments, one of them from a friend of mine (meaning it doesn’t count) and the other from some guy who congratulated me for being “very optimist” (I assume he meant optimistic). And look! I hadn’t even adopted the name “Bono” as my nom de plume!

But despite the public’s intentional indifference I persisted because I pretty much had nothing better to do with my life, and a few years, a lot of practice and a lot of hate mail later, this column evolved naturally into the beautiful, stylistic piece of shit prose that it is today.

So even though it’s only 9 AM, I raise my glass and salute you, my loyal readers/detractors who week after week come to this column to laugh/become infected with rage.

This is only the beginning.

And remember to like our Weekly News Roundup Facebook page so you can keep up with the coming changes.

Oh! And I almost forgot: I’m going away on vacation this weekend so don’t expect a Weekly News Roundup next Friday.

I know, scary right? It’s like when you were little and you lost your mom in the amusement park. You knew she would come back eventually because it’s a closed environment, but in the meantime it was up to you to survive.

Well, that’s you next week. Make me proud.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Three weeks ago no one gave a shit about Taekwondo. Some guy winds a gold medal. Now everyone’s a fan. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, who never lets a photo op go to waste, welcomed in Casa Rosada the Argentine athletes who competed in the London 2012 Olympics and, flanked by new national hero and only gold winner Sebastián Crismanich, boasted that since the Kirchners took over in 2003 Argentina has won a total of 16 medals. Sure, when you say it like that you naturally go “That’s it?”, but considering that in the 44 years before the country had only obtained fourteen, she was proud to congratulate those that with perseverance, honor, courage and self-confidence had brought joy to their nation.

• Then of course she fucked it all up by applauding the women’s national field hockey team for kicking the UK’s ass in the Olympics. “When you defeated England, it was like winning a gold medal. It’s a good thing you won! Otherwise I would have been so upset!” she laughed. Hah! Nothing like some healthy incitement to xenophobia in the hands of a charismatic leader. I can’t wait to see what she has in store for Rio 2016.

• Everyone’s favorite mischievous Vice-President Amado Boudou had the dubious honor of being included in a list of trouble-making veeps from around the world published this week on Foreign Policy. Along with Boudou are four other VP superstars, including Sierra Leone’s Samuel Sam-Sumana and Sudan’s Ali Osman Taha. It’s like the international affairs version of The Breakfast Club, in which Boudou is obviously Emilio Estevez and Sam-Sumana is a machete-wielding Judd Nelson. I don’t know about you but I would totally pay to go see that.

• Now, I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about what was probably the biggest story of the week, involving the Indec national statistics agency and their infamous report saying that you can eat with only $6 pesos a day. Even though most of the media coverage surrounding that story was not entirely accurate, everyone knows their inflation index is nothing short of a joke. So the Argentine chapter of the hacktivist group Anonymous, obviously not amused but such a blatant display of disregard for the public’s intelligence, decided that it was fair game to hack the Indec’s website, just for shits and giggles.

• After the most nightmarish and paralyzing week to have ever been experienced in Buenos Aires since the Toddy cookies disappeared from the shelves, the subway workers came to a “feeble” agreement with the City Government and Metrovías after ten days of strike. The most important part of this paragraph is the word “feeble,” since it means chances are we’ll be dealing with another strike in just a couple of weeks.

• As further evidence that this is a ticking time bomb of unfathomable proportions, the City government has announced that five new subway stations have been finished but cannot be opened to the public because there aren’t enough trains.

• Jesus, just shut down the whole thing and leave it there. Don’t you watch scary movies? Worst case scenario, it becomes a hideout for comic book villains and mutant creatures that feed on homeless people. At $2.50 a ride that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

• Now that the Olympics are over and Argentine athletes don’t have to worry about being deported from England before obtaining any medals, we can all go back to the usual bickering about the Malvinas/Falklands. Newspapers around the country were horrified over the impending arrival of a warship to the islands this week that they themselves announced only a few months ago and now seemed to have completely forgotten about it.

• And because one Malvinas/Falklands-related scandal a week is obviously not enough, the local media decided to run a shocking non-story accusing the Uruguayans of referring to the islands as “Falklands” instead of “Malvinas,” as any respectable non-imperialist Latin nation would do. The preposterous and offensive error was found in some random document no one gives a shit about and was clearly the result of an hungover intern, but that did’t stop the local press from pretty much accusing the Uruguayans of treason. Fortunately President José Mujíca apologized in time before both nations broke relations and announced he would launch “an official investigation”. No, he did. Like, for real.

• Awesome news, everyone! Finally here’s something you can show your parents so they can shut up about how you’re throwing your life away in some South American city that is slowly spinning into the boiling rivers of the Underworld. According to prestigious magazine “The Economist,” Buenos Aires has been picked as Latin America’s best city to live in. In your face, Brazilian Buenos Aires!

• And those of you who complained about the current state of things in this country and moved to Uruguay, you can stay there. We don’t want you back.

• The Córdoba province, not content with trying to expel all prostitutes from its sovereign territory a few weeks ago, is now openly warning that if you have an “amputated penis” you cannot join the police force. That’s right, transsexuals! If you wanna be a cop you gotta take it like a man. That means: have a penis. The new regulation also rejects people who are missing one finger, have diabetes or a stutter. Keep making everyone proud, Córdoba! I can’t wait for you to outlaw divorce and reinstate the use of leeches for curing cancer.

• And speaking of fucked up provinces, remember Salta? You can now add this to the list of weird crimes taking place there. Seriously that place needs its own special CSI unit. Just stay away from it.

• Ready to be enraged? Here’s a domestic violence video that was all over the news and went viral this week showing a coward asshole beating his ex-wife in front of their daughter.

• Ready to be enraged even more? His only punishment is to stay away from the woman for 90 days.

• As more cases like these continue to surface, at least one political party has reacted in some sort of way and called for Congress to declare a national emergency on gender violence, since according to a new report cases have increased a 57% in the last two years.

• OK, this is the part you don’t want your parents to know about. Just stick to the article on The Economist and you’ll be fine.

• This week, in Completely Unnecessary Displays of Self-confidence:
  

  You will never look at Delacroix’s painting the same way after being exposed to Moria Casán’s intoxicating photographs. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  former erotica star and current wrinkled grandmother Moria Casán wants you to know that she is not losing any sleep over accusations that she stole an $80,000 necklace from a Paraguayan jeweler. So she agreed to a racy and gag-inducing photo shoot for Noticias magazine, in which she impersonates Lady Liberty herself, spear in hand and Phrygian cap on wig. The photos are NSFW but don’t worry, the worst parts are censored, praise Jesus. Just make sure you don’t click on that link with the lights off.

• Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

• Agh, who am I kidding. I wasn’t even gonna go.

• And regarding football: it’s been awfully quiet lately. It’s almost as if such dead calm is announcing a coming storm that will explode in a ravaging sea of fire and fury, destroying everything in its path until no living thing is left standing. The hooligans are silent, the players aren’t engaging in prostitution scandals and the sports commentators are surprisingly accurate during the games. So since there’s nothing interesting to tell, here’s the gruesome video of a leg fracture during an Argentinos Juniors match last weekend. Enjoy!

Argentina’s war cemetery in the Malvinas/Falklands has been vandalised. The glass protecting a statue of the Virgin Mary was found to have been smashed and shattered. Families of the deceased are calling it an “act of sacrilege” and blaming British hostility towards Argentines on the island for the crime.

The British government on the island has condemned the incident and local police are carrying out an investigation.

The Virgin figure has been removed until the shrine is repaired.

Malvinas/Falklands legislator Dick Sawle has sent out a plea for anyone with information on the crime to come forward.

“Clearly we condemn any action of this sort and very much regret that this might have happened,” said Sawle, as quoted in The Guardian.

Families of the Argentinian war dead sent letters to Argentinian foreign minister Héctor Timerman and Britain’s ambassador in Buenos Aires, John Freeman, demanding action.

“We believe this reflects escalating hostility by certain British sectors who are influential locally,” their commission said in a statement. “We will not let up until this repugnant act of sacrilege is clarified.”

According to Sebastian Socodo, an Argentine who takes care of the cemetery that holds the remains of 237 Argentinian combatants killed during the 1982 conflict, the vandalism could have happened anytime in the last few weeks.

Judging from images, the glass appears to have been broken by more than a dozen sharp blows. The Virgin figure’s blue and white garments are the only expression of Argentine pride permitted in the islands.

The Argentine foreign ministry issued a statement demanding that the UK government mount an immediate and impartial investigation.

The statement also called on Britain to “end its continuous display of arms, submarines and nuclear capabilities, in violation of international treaties”.

It’s Friday again!

And pretty much like every other weekend in Argentina, it’s a long weekend!

Yes, people. This Monday is a holiday since Argentina celebrates it’s Independence Day on July 9.

So I guess American readers living here are doubling their independence celebrations. Congrats, Americans!

Unless you work in a call center or telemarketing office. In that case you’re fucked because you still probably have to work.

Don’t worry though, in order to lighten up your miserable life, here’s the ultimate fireworks fail compilation, designated to at least make you giggle while the slave master lashes at you with his leather whip.

So enjoy the temporary escapism and once you’re done laughing at others, proceed to like our Facebook page and then read this column.

Information is good for you.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Former dictator and probable inspiration for Darth Vader Jorge Rafael Videla. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Warning: this next post might give you nightmares. So no hate mail, OK? OK.

• In order to continue with the slow process of indoctrinating the younger generations so by the time they grow up they become an army of British-hating, Chávez-loving minions, while giving a speech at the Government House this week, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner introduced the population to the ultimate brainwashing weapon. You know how popular political figures – specially charismatic leaders – always get their own action figure? Obama has one! Chávez has one! There’s even a Lego-like Axis of Evil set that I totally want! So this will come as no surprise to you. I give you: the Cristina doll! A terrifying, goosebumps-inducing creature stuffed with porcupine hair and hand-painted with the tears of thousands of virgin girls. Pick your favorite! Mine is the one with the Louis Vuitton bag, seen here with her conniving posse. At least we know she’s keeping it real. You can get them for $65 at the Government House and contribute to the fight against imperialism, one doll at a time.

• You don’t like the Cristina one? Don’t worry, you can also get the Juan and Evita Perón set! Even Néstor Kirchner is there, with his suspicious angel wings and everything!

• Yes, from all the politics-related news this week, I chose to open the column with that one. Whatever.

• Now, I know that Cristina can usually be a pain in the ass with her professorial tone and bullying attitude, but when she’s not engaging in cauldron-stirring activities she can be pretty awesome. On that same ceremony, and surrounded by members of the transgender and transsexual community, Cristina awarded several citizens with the first DNIs issued under the new Gender Identity Law. She then gave a moving speech in which she apologized to sexual minority groups for “taking so long” to grant them legal recognition. See? She can be cool sometimes.

• Her kick-ass attitude extended into the day after, when she was giving a speech from the Government House to announce the creation of 1,600 new homes along with Caritas, a Catholic charity organization. With a high-ranking Monsignor sitting a few meters away from her, she just couldn’t help herself. “It’s a good thing you weren’t here yesterday or you’d be excommunicating me right now,” she told him jokingly in reference to the Catholic Church horror (and underlying curiosity) towards everything gay. “It was a beautiful ceremony. We live in a complex world, but I’m absolutely sure God loves us all the same, no matter what,” she told him (at the 12:40 mark) as everyone cheered. Witness the Monsignor’s face, clearly trying to throw her out of the window by means of psychokinesis, at the 13:30 mark.

• Speaking of real evil people, former Argentine dictator and current disgraced prisoner Jorge Rafael Videla once again got what he deserved and was sentenced to 50 years in prison after being found guilty of creating a scheme to systematically abduct the children of political prisoners who were born in captivity. Oh, you think the punishment isn’t too harsh? Don’t worry though. He’s 86 and he’s also been found guilty of many other horrible deeds. If you add them all up he’s supposed to be in prison for like 1000 years. So unless he’s one of the guys in that Highlander movie, I’d say he’s pretty fucked.

• It’s official, everyone! You’re no longer able to buy dollars unless you’re planning on traveling abroad. Game over, man! So if you want to save in dollars, forget about it. You have no choice but to save in Argentine pesos. Wanna buy a property? Can’t pay in dollars. Wanna buy US$100 because you’re saving for a trip next year? Can’t do it, unless you already have your ticket. Oh, the humanity! The Central Bank, however, has assured that the measure is just “temporary” which we all know means “will last forever.” Or until Videla is released from prison. Both examples work.

• The Buenos Aires province is out of money. So now that Governor Daniel Scioli has announced he will pay the bi-annual bonuses (usually paid in the state workers’ June salary) in four installments, the entire population is up in arms. So expect a loooooot of strikes in the next few weeks unless this problem is resolved soon (Spoilert Alert: it won’t).

• *Eye roll* coming in 3… 2… 1…

• This week, in the Malvinas/Falklands conundrum (See? I told you): since despite our reticence to admit it Argentina is totally China’s complacent bitch now, the Government keeps sucking up to our Asian friends and has now sent Defense Minister Arturo Puricelli in an official visit. So while holding a press conference in the Argentine embassy in Beijing, the minister stated that Argentina is looking to recover the islands by following the diplomatic path paved by the Hong Kong transfer of sovereignty from the UK to China in 1997. Well there you have it people. This is one for all you warmongers out there shaking their fist in the air, making the islanders feel as if a war with Argentina is imminent. And if the sovereign transfer ever took place, going by what happened in Hong Kong just five days ago, I can say with full confidence that the islanders will feel like they are living in Argentina in no time.

• To continue our video segment that I have gleefully labeled “Government officials beating the shit out of other people,” I’d like to introduce you this week to Gustavo Steven, mayor of the town of Santa Sylvina, in Chaco. According to another government official, Mr. Steven has been a little naughty and decided to use state funds to improve his humble abode. So, armed with a video camera, he showed up in front of Steven’s home to denounce that the bricks being unloaded from a truck had been paid by the taxpayers. Steven was apparently not amused by his rival’s stunt, and at the 1:45 mark began to beat the shit out of him. Ha! Politics can be so much fun sometimes. Most of the time it’s not, but sometimes… it’s a hoot.

• Poverty sucks, and that is a fact. So of course, whenever we see a poor walking down the street, it breaks our hearts and makes us feel terrible since we’re kind, empathetic beings. Fortunately, through the power of looking the other way, we can always look the other way and pretend we never saw anything. There, problem solved. Sometimes, however, the poor refuse to leave our field of vision, and that is in essence a problem for those who are trying to ignore them. And this is what is happening to the poor (but rich) residents of Puerto Madero, who are being increasingly surrounded by the poor (the actual poor). In this potential Pulitzer-prize-winning piece published on Perfil that begins with the utterly majestic line “Homelessness is a world wide phenomenon that grows whenever a crisis hits,” the richest residents of the City expose their predicaments and explain that since they pay really high taxes they don’t want to see homeless people sleeping around in the area at night. See? And people say it’s easy being rich. They have no idea.

• Congratulations Buenos Aires! At long last, after decades of failing miserably to replicate the alluring, cosmopolitan aroma of the most popular European / American cities, you have finally succeeded now that having one of those shitty watered-down cups of coffee in a random greasy bar in Abasto costs the same (or more!) than in New York or Paris. Oh, lala! Quelle surprise!

• Speaking of aromas, did you happen to notice that the entire city smelled
  

  Your cat. You beat the shit out of him even though he didn’t do anything. Now he hates you, and that’s a fact. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  like cat pee last Sunday? Nauseating, wasn’t it? Did you reprimand your cat by spanking him for several hours, surprised that after many years of pristine behavior he decided to mark his territory in such a barbaric, uncivilized way? If so, I hope you feel guilty, since your cat had nothing to do with it. According to official Government sources (and to everyone on Twitter who used the #pisdegato hashtag) there was an ammonia spill in Dock Sud (it is still unclear whether it was intentional or accidental) that affected the entire city, especially the areas of Balvanera, Núñez, Belgrano, Palermo and San Telmo. Don’t worry though, authorities said the spill was not lethal, which you probably realized since you’re still alive. Also, I believe you owe your cat an apology (unless you don’t own a cat. In that case you’re OK).

• The entire country is still in shock after witnessing the jaw-dropping security footage of a robbery attempt in Castelar this week, in which a gun-toting robber decides to shoot a pregnant woman after her husband offered some resistance and refused to let the perpetrator into their home. You know how we keep saying you need to be very careful when entering your home at night? This is why. By the way, fortunately the woman was only shot in the leg. She and her unborn child are both OK.

• Let’s say you’re driving down the Paranamerican Highway or the Cantilo Av. after midnight, minding your own business when a red light stops you. So you turn your head to your left to check out the sweet ride that has stopped right next to you to see if…-HOLY MOTHER OF GOD IT’S A FIGHTER JET ON THE HIGHWAY. Yeah. That’s what pretty much everyone thought. That, and that the war with the UK had started again. Don’t worry though, it was just being towed somewhere for no apparent reason.

• The fuckery continues in the neighboring nation of Paraguay, and now the new Government in charge of leading an institutional coup against former president Fernando Lugo is accusing the Venezuelan government of trying to lead an actual coup against them. Because democracy is what really matters, people!

• Oh, Dancing With The Stars, what has befallen ye? Back in those happy olden days of yore, you would provide us with quality content during dinner that we would share with our kids, explaining why those bikini-clad damsels were prostituting themselves while squabbling with the colorful members of the jury. But lately you have become socially maladroit, discomfiting your audience with questionable content that is loosely related to dancing. Because according to the tyranny of ratings, 2012 now belongs to Charlotte Chantal, the buoyant socialite daughter of nouveau riche Mariana Nannis, whose longstanding gravitas and down-to-earth-ness would put Paris Hilton and any character from Gossip Girl to shame. And Charlotte, being all rich and cute and stupid, sells. She sells a lot! So imagine everyone’s surprise this week when host Marcelo Tinelli decided to ditch the entire format of his show after the opening credits and turn it into a three-hour-long, Charlotte-centric cirque-de-merde that obeyed her every whim. As millions turned to Twitter to voice their discombobulation and stupor with a very loud “What the fuck is going on here?”, Charlotte and Tinelli shared some pizza across the street from the studio and then staged a gay marathon (?) that ended with every contestant entering the studio floor, which by then had been turned into a nightclub.

• Even Tinelli’s son tweeted about the Fremdschämen he was experiencing by looking at his dad wearing a wig and high heel boots on the TV screen. Was host Marcelo Tinelli drunk? Uncertain. Was he high? Maybe. One thing is sure though so let’s face it, friends: Charlotte Chantal has become the undisputed queen of Argentine television. And she’s here to stay.

• In the meantime, dethroned queen of Argentine television Ricardo Fort was struggling last Saturday to keep his train wreck of a show afloat and above flat lining ratings. And he lost. Miserably.

• Also he’s been indicted over tax fraud accusations. Not a good year for Mr. Fort I guess.

• And finally, guess what: THERE’S NO FOOTBALL! The Clausura Tournament is over and the Apertura Tournament is still like two weeks away or so! So while all of you idiots complain about “how hard it is” to spend a few weekend without the sport that shall not be named, I will be dancing on your graves.

• Also, Boca Juniors lost against the Corinthians. Whatever.

It’s Friday again!

And man, talk about an Indian summer! What’s with this temperature in Buenos Aires, huh? And the humidity! If this is what winter feels like I can’t imagine how hot summer will be.

Have you ever spent a summer here? They are hot. Yes sir.

Hot.

Hot, hot…

*sigh*

OK, you know what? I gotta be honest with you. All this small talk about the weather is killing me. Trying to come up with something new to talk about every Friday in this little intro is a pain in the ass.

I’m tired and I just want to be done with it. I’m being 100% honest here. And I know you will take honesty over bullshit anytime.

So whatever, like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, read it and beat it.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Ousted Paraguayan president Fernando Lugo. Remember: Paraguay is not the same as Uruguay. They are two different countries, so don’t worry. Your summer vacation in Punta del Este is not in any immediate peril, you self-absorbed douche. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  The worst case scenario has come to pass! A coup has once again taken place in South America! Well, not really. Technically, Paraguayan president Fernando Lugo was impeached and removed from office in just one day by Congress. That’s right. It basically went down like this: Congressman 1 said “Hey, wanna impeach the president?” and Congressman 2 replied “Yes, let’s!”. And so they did, and 24 hours later he was removed from office after being accused of not performing his duties well. So like I said, technically the Paraguayan constitution was followed to the letter but we all know the whole thing is a sham. And boy are the other South American nations upset (mostly because they like him. If they guy had been a right-wing nut they would have lauded the decision. And that’s what politics is all about, whether you admit it or not). So now the Mercosur has suspended the landlocked nation as a member and the UNASUR is going apeshit over this. Since I know whenever I talk too much about politics you begin to check out, here’s a nice article you might find interesting about this whole imbroglio, in case you don’t want to keep reading about it here.

• As more and more nations in the region continue to ostracize the new Paraguayan president Federico Franco, most political leaders maintain a prudent distance from him, since being seen right next to him could be toxic and help someone become textbook unelectable. So I guess it’s a good thing that no one in this country really had any ties to him so the…- DAMN IT, MACRI!

• Meanwhile, the local Government is dealing with its own mess on a national scale now that former ally and current nemesis Hugo Moyano (AKA the most powerful unionist in the country) has brought up the heavy artillery and started a war with President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner because she refuses to rise the income tax floor. So if you’re wondering why last Wednesday Downtown Buenos Aires was a traffic mess, it’s because Moyano called on all truckers to join him in a national strike and led a demonstration in Plaza de Mayo, where he made extremely inflammatory accusations against Cristina, effectively ending their long, friendly relationship during the last decade.

• Ice Queen and also President of Argentina Cristina Fernández de Kirchner decided to respond to Moyano by ignoring him, and while he was furiously vociferating his discontent with the Government in Buenos Aires, she was not giving a fuck about it in the province of San Luis, where she was opening a pork meat processing plant. “The little ones remind me of Babe!” she said. “They’re cute, they are funny and they are also very tasty,” she added. A dangerously Machiavellian human being.

• Among the many truckers that chose not to join the strike, there was this man in Luján who was not affiliated to any union and chose to go to work because he risked losing his job and he had two children to feed. But alas! He was intercepted by a rollicking gang of truckers on strike who were not amused by his overt defiance to the Moyano doctrine. So they surrounded him and proceeded to do the unthinkable.

• No, they didn’t kill him! Jesus, what do you think they are, uncivilized, violent animals foaming at the mouth? Give these people some credit! They may be on strike but they are not savages, for Christ’s sake! No, they just beat him up and burned down his truck.

• Cristina declared two days of national mourning this week after 9 members of the National Gendarmerie were killed in a terrible bus crash in Chubut that also left several others dead and over 40 injured.

• This was bound to happen: remember Cristina’s suspicious proposal to the Malvinas/Falklands government, suggesting a new air link between Buenos Aires and the islands? I guess she wasn’t counting on the islanders’ acute bullshit detector, which immediately helped them realize that it was nothing but a subrepticious method of cultural dominance and eventual conquer of the disputed territory. How? No one knows. But it is, man! IT IS! So the islanders said no. Whatever, islanders! It’s not like we wanted to go there anyway! We have penguins in the south too! And for your information, tickets are too expensive for an average Argentine to go there so I guess the joke’s on you, maybe.

• Also this week, Cristina met with some of the Argentine athletes participating in the 2012 Olympics before they were shipped off in a container to London, and as she handed over the Argentine flag to the official flag carrier Luciana Aymar, she advised everyone “not to do anything stupid, because the British are waiting for us to be stupid.” She said the Olympic games are about sports and not politics (duh) and reminded the athletes not to react to any insults coming from the average British citizen. Where are these people going, London or a Manchester hooligan club? And come on Brits, give the Argies some credit. Their behavior will be more than pristine and professional throughout the entire…- HOLY SHIT THE DAILY MAIL IS ONTO US!!! EVERYONE SCURRY UNDER THE FRIDGE!! AGHHHH!!!!!

• This week, in famous Argentine celebrities who died and you don’t care about because you don’t own a TV and even if you do you don’t watch Argentine TV because half of the time you have no idea what’s going on: famed TV show host Juan Alberto Badía died last night after a long battle with cancer. Millions mourn him today and remember him fondly as one of the most revered personalities in television. See? I told you you didn’t care. Shame on you.

• Yesterday was one of those days the media would love to bury in the backyard and never talk about again. As millions maintained a symbolic vigil over Badía on Twitter, famed local news network C5N, in its reckless desperation to be first at everything, went “fuck it” and a few minutes after 10 pm decided to announce that Badía had died. Was it true? “WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE HAVE TO BE FIRST!” And since the golden age of journalism is long gone and we now have to settle with living in a culture of retweets and brainfarts, the news instantly became viral and every major news outlet in the country followed suit. Hey, even I tweeted about it! And then, after the family had to publicly deny his death, the media quietly began rolling back all their funeral marches and black ribbons and in a few minutes it was like nothing had ever happened. Then the people at C5N apologized live for killing someone who wasn’t dead. One minute later, Badía really died. Producers must have been so pissed.

• Oh, stop rolling your eyes at the Argentine media, people. Specially you, Americans! You had your own little media fiasco yesterday morning with this, OK? So shut up already.

• Oh-oh! Argentina is in bad odor with Mexico.

• Not to freak you out or anything but the second increase in taxi fares became effective three days ago. Remember I told you about it last month? Now the minimum fare is $8.20! Not that you care, you stopped taking taxis back in 2009.

• Remember last week’s appalling accusations against humble clergyman and probable gay-basher Bishop Fernando Bargalló, who had to come out and explain that the woman he had been photographed with was just a childhood friend and not fornicator-friend? Well, turns out he was totally fucking her.

• The horror! Millions panicked at unison yesterday afternoon when a blackout forcefully hit the areas of the city that are usually blackout-free (Palermo, Belgrano, Vicente López, Martínez, etc) and everyone felt for a couple of minutes what it feels like to live in the southern (i.e. poor) areas of the city, where rolling blackouts are customary. Fortunately the power soon returned, WiFi connections were reestablished, cell phones were recharged and tweets of relief were retweeted. Everybody happy! (Except for the southern areas of the city. You know, places you never go to/care to go to like Villa Riachuelo and stuff. And no, going to Creamfields once a year doesn’t count).

• Thieves these days. Remember a few weeks ago when some robbers broke
  

  Villa Riachuelo. I will bet you my life you’ve never been down there. Unless you have. If you have then I will not bet you anything. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  into a women’s clothing store in Belgrano and stole all the dresses in a hysterical frenzy? Well now some guys have taken their effeminate love for girly stuff one step further and, while robbing a family home in Moreno, they decided to steal a little girl’s doll collection. Official story says “they wanted the dolls for their daughters.” Riiiiiiiiiiight. Just like my Blu Ray collection of romantic comedies. I just bought them for whenever my female friends decide to pay a visit! Idiots.

• I know you probably set your VCR to record it and now have that VHS tape hidden away in your safe so you can cherish it as a memento of glittering grandeur for the rest of your life. But if some case of force majeure took place and you missed it, fret not my television-dependent friend! Here it is: uncensored, unrestrained and unfortunate, it’s the 2-hour premiere of Ricardo Fort‘s new show “Fort Night Show,” which ironically goes on the air once a week and not once every two weeks, as its name would have you believe. Please do me a favor and watch the unbearable first three minutes of this putrid vomit of a show in which he ruins pop culture forever my mocking classic icons such as The Terminator, Dynasty, Charlie’s Angels and Adele. I also dare you to watch the rest without killing yourself.

• Do you need five minutes after this? That’s OK, I understand. Go out, take a deep breath. If not you might end up looking like one of those dead girls from The Ring. Go on, this column will be waiting when you’re back.

• Because apparently he’s not enough of a loser, Katie Price’s boy toy Leandro Penna has become the first one to be eliminated from Dancing With The Stars.

• Have you clicked on his Wikipedia page? Go on, check it out.

• That’s right, he doesn’t even have one! BOOM! I’m on fire today.

• Hey. Football lovers. Let’s talk. Sure, you hate me and I hate you but that doesn’t…- oh, you don’t hate me? Forget that part then. As I was saying, we like each other despite our disagreements over that despicable sport. So why not put our differences aside and reach a detente from now on? I mean, let’s just agree to disagree and maintain a relationship in amicable terms in which I openly patronize you for yelling at the TV screen like an idiot for 90 minutes and you explain to me that the only reason I don’t like this sport is because I suck at it. But all in good terms, alright? Alright.

• Inevitable future president of Argentina, Mayor Mauricio Macri, became a Twitter sensation this week for all the wrong reasons after once again failing miserably to mingle with the populace. After a game featuring Boca Juniors vs. Corinthians in a tournament called Copa Liberators or something, everyone’s favorite mayor tried to congratulate two Boca players for a job well done but spelled one of their names wrong (“Erbiti” instead of “Erviti“), instantly becoming the target of a million jokes across the web since – let’s face it – his illiteracy should be mocked. “#TuiteandoComoMacri” (“Tweeting like Macri”) became an instant trending topic, and it got so big that he even decided to mock himself by using it for a non-apology. Nicely played, Mr. Mayor. I have some new found respect for you. Still wouldn’t vote for you though.

• At last! After a year of painful agonizing and despair, everyone’s favorite underdog River Plate managed to return to the First Division! Yay! River Plate! River Plate! And the best part (for you, not me) of this is that the Superclásico is once again a reality! Hurray!

• But of course, everything in the universe is about balance, and one team’s celebration is another team’s disgrace. This time it’s the chaps from some team named Banfield who are suffering the opprobrium of relegation and boy, those fans were unhappy. However, as they were leaving the stadium looking downcast and in peace, the police decided to start randomly shooting at them (at the 1:30 mark) just in case. You never know when a regular fan might suddenly turn into a blood-thirsty hooligan eager to dismember a police officer and feed their limbs to their uncivilized peers. So there. You like football? Then be a man and get ready to get shot.

• Last but not least: I have never, ever, EVER had a burning desire to attend a football match. However, after witnessing such a fine display of decorum and camaraderie coming from the mouths of these four fine ladies who happen to be Banfield fans, I may have to reconsider. In fact, I want these four potty-mouthed damsels to be my grandmothers. All of them. Here, have fun with the Banfield girls, the latest viral sensation that has taken over the internet. They are like the female version of Tano Pasman, only they somehow seem even crasser and yet all you wanna do is hug them.

It’s Friday again!

And before you start reading, let me kindly suggest that you go get your news somewhere else.

No, I’m not kidding. I’m serious. Go read about something that really matters, like how your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s zodiacal sign means he/she is prone to infidelity.

Because honestly, there’s not much to read here this week. Everything you read will basically redirect you to two things: either the Malvinas/Falklands conflict or football.

And quite frankly, I think you and I have had enough of that.

So this week I had to face an impossible decision: either I didn’t write the column in order to let the Government know that this inherent lack of tomfoolery is like slamming my fired up creativity into a cold, refreshing pool of water, or I wrote it anyway and waited for the hate mail to start pouring in.

“You always talk about the same thing, man!”

You know what I mean.

So, after cogitating for some time about professionalism and respect for my loyal readers, I understandably took the high road and decided to tell you all to go fuck yourselves and go out for a beer.

So now I’m hung over and, for some reason, still writing this column even though I originally decided against it.

I was going somewhere with all this but I’ve lost my train of thought.

Thanks for nothing, readers.

This is what you need to- Oh yeah! Now I remember. Like I said, this week this column is mostly about the Malvinas and football. So there. Take it or leave it.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Yes. I already used this photo a few months ago. If you have a better idea for a photo this week, you know where to write. I won’t care but you know where to write. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This week saw the 30th anniversary of the end of the Malvinas/Falklands War (See? Malvinas. Told you.) and of course the bilateral acrimony between Argentina and the United Kingdom was emanating strongly from both sides of the ocean. So here’s everything that happened in a nutshell, so we can get this out of the way fast and move to other more important things, like football.

• David Cameron, that cheeky British prime minister, thought that in order to piss off the Argentines even more on the day of the anniversary, it would be a good idea to fly the Falklands’ flag on top of 10 Downing Street. Very subtle way of saying “Fuck you”, sir. Congrats. You truly are a gentleman.

• On that same day, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner flew to New York to attend a conference at the United Nations, where the Special Committee on Decolonization regularly functions. “Regularly” of course being used ironically since in international relations the SCD is considered to be obsolete, but whatever. She spoke, she didn’t say anything new, once again asked the UK to give peace a chance and then urged the British government to engage in dialogue. Because dialogue is the only way that this will ever be solved. OK? OK. Now read the next bullet point.

• Once her speech was over, a representative of the islands’ government approached Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman and tried to hand him a letter addressed to Cristina in which he asked her to talk to them in order to discuss the islands’ sovereignty. Timerman said no. You guys didn’t think that whole dialogue bullshit was true, right? Because it’s not. Well, now the islanders are upset. Which means that there’s no possibility of a rapprochement anytime soon and I will still have to write about this stuff in the future. Fuck my life.

• Meanwhile, in the Malvinas/Falklands: the islanders, probably tired of being ignored by the international community, announced they would conduct a referendum on the islands in order to “put this sovereignty fuckery to rest once and for all.” Well, they didn’t say it like that, but that’s what they meant. So that’s great, guys! However, there’s no need to “announce” you’re gonna do it. Just do it! Considering the islands have a population of like, 12 people, you just go to the local pub and tell the parishioners to raise their hands and count. That’s it! Referendum ready.

• I’m kidding, islanders! I know you’re more than 12 people! I also know you read my weekly rants, so I’m sorry, but if everyone else falls then you don’t get to leave this column unscathed.

• This week, in non-Malvinas related news: the Interior Ministry announced the creation of a new passport that will cost 400 pesos and will include a state-of-the-art chip that Argentina hopes will persuade nations such as the US, Canada or Australia from asking citizens for a visa before they travel there. The good news is that since dollars are basically impossible to find anywhere in this country, Argentines weren’t even thinking of going there in the first place. See? Everybody happy.

• **UPDATE** The US has already replied by saying “Thanks! But no thanks.”

• Apparently the cacerolazos are still happening, even though no one is actually aware of them. Not content with last week’s fiasco, which failed to galvanize the anti-Kirchnerite segment of the population, a few angry people decided to come out yesterday and bang their frying pans and teapots in order to demand access to their dollars protest corruption. Fortunately this time they had the help of former mayoral candidate and absolutely crazy person Guillermo Cherashny (did you click on that? You should. Want another one? Here’s another one). I’m not sure what Cherashny, a journalist who really did run for mayor of Buenos Aires, was doing there in the first place but if his protest methodologies are indication of anything, I’m certain the cacerolazos will eventually become a “thing”. After all, who could forget his You Tube video aimed at Hewlett-Packard in which he decides to take action against his laptop computer (did you click on that? You should.)?

• Also, since we are talking about protests and injustice, can anyone give this guy a hand? You see, former railway worker Luis Alberto Ninona has been indicted along with many others in the case investigating the Once railway tragedy that took the lives of 51 people last February. So understandably, Mr. Ninona is not allowed to leave the country, as he is suspected of being responsible of manslaughter. But, alas! His lawyer announced that he has all these (I assume, frequent flier) “miles” accumulated and he needs to used them before they expire for a little vacation in Punta Cana, where he’ll be sipping piña coladas for a few days only to eventually return to explain why he’s not kind of responsible for so many deaths. The prosecutor, clearly a bad person, has already said he will not let him leave Argentina for a trip with his family. Can any of you give this guy a hand? Anyone? No? Shame on you.

• Now here’s a piece of news that could be considered a semiotician’s wet dream: do you know who Richard Stallman is? Well, in case you’re too lazy to even click on that link to Wikipedia, let’s just say he’s a computer programmer who was become globally known as the leader of the “free software” movement. (also known as “people who want free shit”). You may recall reading about Mr. Stallman last year after he stirred quite a controversy when he said “he wasn’t glad Steve Jobs was dead but he was glad he was gone.” Still don’t know him? OK, never mind. Anyway, Mr. Stallman was invited to speak about free software at the UBA School of Economics last Friday and, predictably, had his personal computer, passport, medication and travel money stolen while he was giving his conference! So… karma? You know what, I take back what I said at the beginning. This week was amazingly funny.

• At long, last! After six interminable months devoid of music, dancing, and masturbatory material, the biggest TV show in the history of poor quality TV shows is back! (No, kids! I’m not talking about Ricardo Fort‘s megalomaniac extravaganza “Fort Night Show.” That one actually begins in eight days and it already looks like it’s gonna suck). I’m talking about the local version of Dancing With The Stars of course! The impressive opening last Monday, which lasted over 12 minutes, and I must admit is worth watching, featured the entire cast of Game of Thrones dancing to the tunes of Madonna, Adele, LMFAO and Michael Jackson. So it was pretty much the gayest 12-minutes in the history of television. Too bad after minute 13 it’s all downhill until December.

• By the way, if you’re not a pop culture connoisseur or you just arrived in this country and have no idea who Ricardo Fort is, let me just say that if Willy Wonka and The Situation from The Jersey Shore met at a bar one night and decided to have sex, he would be their illegitimate spawn. If you still don’t get the picture, here’s his already classic rendition of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance,” which I have posted here a thousand times and will continue to post until I’m dead. Or he ‘s dead. Whichever comes first.

• Also, in unrelated news but somehow totally related: for months this image went viral on every social network last year, saying that every time you start watching Dancing With The Stars (hosted by Marcelo Tinelli) a book kills itself. So in some kind of poetic -yet depressing- twist of fate, last Monday night at 3:30 am and only a few hours after the Dancing With The Stars premiere was over, a water pipe in the Library of the City Legislature “mysteriously” broke and destroyed more than 13,000 invaluable books forever.

• Horror! For the first time in its 142 years, and in order to further perpetuate the notion (well… your notion) that this country is turning into North Korea, your favorite newspaper in the whole world (La Nación) failed to reach the newsstands due to a union conflict (workers demanding better salaries). So no, this time it wasn’t the Government trying to destroy free speech. Next week maybe, but not this time.

• This week saw the death of yet another singer you couldn’t care less about, this time was Memphis La Blusera‘s Adrian Otero. Since I know that you didn’t care about Estela Raval’s death last week and you don’t care about Otero’s death this week, let’s just be practical and move on. Sorry, everyone. There’s just no point in any of this.

• The reckless endangerment in this country continues, this time in the so-called “Poncho Rally (?)” in Catamarca. The good news is that, even though the driver could have killed dozens of bystanders that were casually standing on the side of the road, this time the only one getting kind of killed is him.

• Don’t worry, I said “kind of killed,” not “killed”. You can laugh without feeling any guilt.

• As signs of an impending zombie apocalypse continue to surface all over the world, a widow in Buenos Aires seems to have fully embraced the concept and decided to pimp the crypt in which her late husband is buried. She even has cable TV and everything! Now don’t laugh. Necrophilia is in this year. Don’t you watch True Blood? It’s basically a show about dead people fucking each other and so far I haven’t heard a qualm. It’s 2012, get over it.

• Shocking! The very aptly named “Happy Planet Index” shows that on the list of happiest countries on Earth, Argentina comes No. 17! You guys, that’s awesome! See? I told you those cacerolazos were nonsense. Everyone is happy here! Now, I have no idea how this is measured, how rigorous these studies are or how much bullshit factor is involved (not because I couldn’t find it, it’s all right there on the website. I just couldn’t be bothered to look it up). All I know is that if you live in the US, Mongolia or some landlocked African nation, chances are you are pretty pissed off right now.

• That cute little alpine town at the end of the world that you love so much (Ushuaia) is seemingly entering the Ice Age once again. Tierra del Fuego authorities reported that only last week it had already snowed half of what they would usually get in an entire season! People had to be evacuated and roads were closed, leaving the town completely isolated from the rest of the world. I’m not willing to bet on it, but I’m sure the people from the Happy Planet Index did not go all the way down there to ask how things were doing. Just saying.

• This week, in sports that I hate: Argentine football continues to
  

  Football. I fucking hate it. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  spiral down into utter chaos while I rub my hands in delight at the prospect of seeing that ignominious sport cancelled or constitutionally banned for good. Let’s read about it, shall we?

• River Plate is fucked. No, for real this time. As if last year’s relegation to the National B had not been enough, 2012 seems to be slapping fans in the face with a sledgehammer. Last Sunday, before a match between River Plate and some team named Boca Unidos that at first I thought it was Boca Juniors but then I realized it was not, two of River’s hooligan factions clashed inside the stadium, leaving one of them dead. That’s right, these guys are killing each other and they even root for the same team! The murderer was arrested today in Mendoza. So smart, these guys.

• **UPDATE** The internet peoples have kindly pointed out that, contrary to what the local media initially said, the stab victim was actually not a member of a hooligan faction. He was just a fan. Now, since I usually don’t give a shit about football I would have let it slide, but in this case we’re talking about someone’s death and this information had to be corrected.

• As rumors that the River Plate stadium could be shut down due to the murder were abound, a new controversy exploded this week after a player from the ignotus (at least for me) team Patronato de Paraná or something like that casually dropped during a press conference that River Plate authorities had offered them “incentives” (i.e. bribes) to win a match against Rosario Central for some reason. The nationwide outrage was immediate and now, if the accusations are proven true, River Plate could be facing a 4-month to 2-year suspension from all football activities. Oh, come on guys. That wouldn’t be so bad! I mean, there’s always tennis.

• A game between Gimnasia de la Plata and Ferro had to be suspended after someone, who I swear to God was not me but totally could have been, called in a bomb threat.

• Yeah, sorry. No Wikipedia links to Gimnasia de la Plata or Ferro. Oh, they do exist. I just didn’t care to do it.

• Diego Maradona, whose opinion for some reason that escapes logic still matters, felt compelled to intervene in Argentina’s favorite pastime: insulting Lionel Messi. ”If people here keep making his life miserable here, Messi is going to stay there (Spain) and never come back to Argentina,” he said. Haha! Maradona, you silly. What makes you think he ever wants to come back in the first place? You’re funny. You’re a funny guy. Why don’t you go back to winning trophies instead of talking about stuff no one cares about? Oh, that’s right.

• Last but not least: remember a couple of weeks ago when Frankenstein led a hooligan protest against the head of the Independiente club after he launched his own personal crusade to diminish the power of those deranged football fanatics? Well, he’s back! And this time, the man who goes by the non-threatening sobriquet “Bebote” (Big baby), may not be wearing a Frankenstein mask, but chose an equally intimidating fashion item: the pibe chorro hoodie. Not only that, he tried to face the bellwether president of the club, Javier Cantero, outside his club at night while the TV cameras were rolling. The result is scary and hilarious at the same time.

• So here I am, cigar in one hand, glass of port in the other, as I watch the world of Argentine football collapse upon its own gravity, like a decadent black hole struggling to survive its unavoidable fate while ravaging everything on its path. And I couldn’t be more ecstatic.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

British Prime Minister David Cameron chose to display the flag of the Falklands today on Downing Street, commemorating the 30th anniversary of the end of the Falklands/Malvinas war.

Cameron vowed to continue defending the islands against the “aggressive threats” of Argentina, honouring veterans and relatives affected by the conflict.

The Argentine government, meanwhile, published a declaration in British newspaper ‘The Times’, calling for an end to colonialism and requesting compliance with UN resolutions.

The open letter was signed by President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, who again asked Britain to “give peace a chance” and referred to her appearance before the UN Committee on Decolonisation.

“Today we will speak at the United Nations Committee on Decolonization about a case of colonial anachronism in the South Atlantic: the Falkland Islands, South Georgia and South Sandwich and the surrounding maritime area, located at the southern tip of the Americas, less than 700 miles from our shores, and 14,000 miles from Britain,” the text reads.

Over 70 countries have given support to Argentina’s goal of UN reconciliation through the “Malvinas Committees”, including Germany, Angola, Australia, Italy, Kuwait, Syria, Venezuela, and Vietnam.

The government of the Malvinas, or Falkland Islands, will be holding a referendum to show the world how “confident” they are about remaining under British rule.

According to the Argentine Página12, the islands’ Legislative Assembly president Gavin Short said the consultation will take place next year, with the goal of showing that islanders “have no desire to be governed by Buenos Aires. ”

“We welcome this referendum, not because we have any doubt who we are and what future we want, but to show the world how confident we are about it,” he said.

Página12 also reports that British Prime Minister David Cameron said he welcomed the move, anticipating he would ”respect and defend” the results of the referendum.

The announcement comes during the week that President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner and a large delegation of legislators and veterans are set to renew Argentina’s sovereignty claim infront of the United Nations.

The president will address the Committee on Decolonization, meeting next Thursday in New York City, which coincides with the 30-year anniversary of the end of the Falklands War.

It’s Winter again!

And Friday too, but mostly winter!

Holy shit, you guys.

Have you all been freezing your asses or is it just me? Damn! This week we had a major temperature drop and we all woke up on Tuesday to realize we had been teleported to the South Pole.

For three straight days we had to put up with the whiners that complained about the lack of snow and who later started freaking out about the mild sleet that was dousing the city.

And no, just because it snows it doesn’t mean that “Buenos Aires is just like New York.” Shut up already.

And remember that if you see anyone sleeping on the street on these cold winter nights, you can always dial 108 (write it down!!) and let the City Government know where they are. They will pick them up and take them to a shelter to protect them from the polar wave.

There. Now that I’ve helped you become a better person, and that you have liked the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, this is what you need to know:

• 

  Downtown Buenos Aires this week. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Oh man, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is pissed. After last week – as I explained here – it became public that the queen of all-things-populist had over 3 million dollars in savings, even though her administration was urging everyone to start saving in pesos, she decided to give a press conference to announce her decision to “pesify” her savings (meaning, to convert them to pesos). You see people? She’s just like us. Except for the part the she has three million dollars and she’s President, but when it comes to everything else, she’s just like us. Let’s love her!

• Score one for the political opposition! Remember last week when I told you about Daniel Reposo? No? OK. He was the guy who was supposed to become the nation’s procurator-general and had submitted his typo-plagued résumé to the Senate so they could evaluate his credentials? Ah, see? I knew you would remember. Well it turns out there were much more “typos” involved, and after being grilled in the Senate for over 10 hours on Wednesday and responding to the opposition’s accusations with lukewarm rebukes at best, he finally freaked out and last night decided to withdraw his nomination. Reposo announced his decision in a series of letters that he sent to the President, to Vice-President Amado Boudou, to the UCR and the Victory Front parties. Surprisingly, there were no typos involved this time.

• [UPDATE] Sorry everyone! I appear to have spoken too soon, since as readers have kindly pointed out, his letters were riddled with typos. Real typos this time! He wrote “haber” like “aber” and mistook Clarín’s CEO Hector Magnetto with this guy from the X-Men. Thanks for the heads up, Internet people!

• Did you go to the big old Cacerolazo in Plaza de Mayo yesterday? I found it to be a lot less exciting than I though it would be, honestly. And if you went by some picturesque characters, it looked a little too much like a franchise of the Tea Party movement. There was the guy wrapped in dollars, the guy saying that Argentina was turning into the Soviet Union, and the ladies banging their safety deposit boxes. Aside from that, there were others who legitimately protested some of the Government’s biggest flaws, like inflation, corruption and a growing insecurity. But you know how it is: if nothing is set on fire, then there’s nothing to see here, people.

• And no, you freaks. Twitter did not censor the #Cacerolazo trending topic. The simple explanation is that once a TT (in this case, “#Cacerolazo”) peaks, it will not show up again in order to make room for new TTs. In other words, they favor novelty over popularity. If you want to blame someone for this, don’t blame the Government, blame the Justin Bieber fans (like, for real).

• Also, I’m not one to join the Government’s crusade against Clarín, but lying by omission is also lying. Oh, and in this case the state news agency Telam may be right, but don’t worry, they do it too.

• Oh and also, do you want to take part in a cacerolazo but fear that holding a couple of frying pans over your head may betray your debonair, cool-looking exterior? There’s an app for that.

• So while the country is in tatters, what was the political leader of the opposition, our Lord Savior and future presidential candidate Mayor Mauricio Macri doing? Oh, he was busy playing guitar with the mayor of Lisbon, celebrating that Rock in Rio 2013 will take place in Buenos Aires and most definitely not in Rio, like its confusing name falsely advertises. The Mayor also announced that the music festival will take place in the abandoned – and quite possibly haunted – Parque de la Ciudad, in the distant neighborhood of Villa Soldati. Which means you will have no choice but to visit the so-called “uncharted territory” (i.e. anything below Rivadavia Av.) not once but twice next year (the second time being when you go to Creamfields, you pill-popping douchebags).

• As the 30th anniversary of the end of the Malvinas/Falklands War approaches (which means that, yes, once again we’re gonna have to put up with Cristina’s faux-motional speeches and David Cameron‘s preponderance of fear mongering exposition for a couple of weeks) the Government has announced that the five British oil companies carrying on exploration projects on the surroundings of the Malvinas/Falklands Islands are doing so “illegitimately,” in case you didn’t hear them the last two million times they said it.

• Meanwhile, in London: the British Government has accused Argentina of utilizing its “position in the world” to damage the islands’ economy, in case you didn’t hear them the last two million times they said it.

• Ah, here’s some progress! While attending an OAS General Assembly in Bolivia, dangerously insane Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman once again said the islands belonged to Argentina and urged the UK to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... But then I woke up and was happy to see that after his stern speech, he approached the British representative in the assembly, Fiona Clouder, and both were seen laughing and sharing an honest moment of camaraderie. Now this can only mean two things: A) That despite having a name that sounds like someone you would find in a Harry Potter novel, Ms. Clouder is a treacherous, ruthless double agent working with Argentina to bring the British Empire to its knees, or B) This whole bilateral conflict is just a ruse perpetrated by two nations desperately looking to stir up the masses and boost sentiments of nationalism in order to conceal an impending decline in widespread political support. In order to keep my sanity, I will go with the “double agent” version.

• Now here’s something you’ll find interesting: in its monstrous efforts to de-dollarize the economy, the National Government is drafting a bill that looks to make mandatory that all property-related transactions (rent/buy/sell) are carried out in Argentine pesos. If the bill is passed, you know what that means? That your landlord will no longer be able to charge you $1500 dollars for your shitty studio apartment in Palermo. Now it will have to be in pesos. It will still be ridiculously expensive, but in pesos. Hurray!

• Also, I’m sure your landlord will find a way to keep ripping you off every month. Sorry, I had to say that.

• By the way, this week in Fashion: Perfil‘s lady-oriented section “Rouge” has a great piece on how the hipster look has become “a thing.” Too bad the article is ten years too late, but here’s a golden star for the effort.

• Oh look! It also has a piece on how to “look preppy“, in case you haven’t been to Punta del Este in the last 150 years! Bookmark this one ladies, I have a feeling we’re going to be hearing a lot more from it!

• And speaking of fashion victims, remember how thieves used to break into designer stores to get into the cash register and steal all that money? Well, not anymore! It’s 2012, people. What guys want now are dresses. Lots and lots of dresses! At least that’s what it looks like if we go by this security footage from a store in Belgrano that was broken into at 2 am this week by two guys. Hey, not that I’m judging. You’re welcome to wear anything you want in my book as long as you’re comfortable with it. It’s the stealing part I’m not so crazy about.

• Finally! After years of neglectfulness and heartbreaking snubs, Sony Computer Entertainment announced this week that the much coveted PlayStation Network (you know, the one that got hacked last year and exposed the credit card information of millions of users) will arrive in Argentina in 2013. Not to rain on your parade, Sony Computer Entertainment, but the Wii U is coming out by the end of the year and you know the Argentines, they are like insatiable neophiles when it comes to technology. Better luck next time, you guys! And maybe don’t wait six long fucking years to acknowledge Latin America’s existence, you pricks.

• If you have a Claro line, be aware that you’ll get a $10 pesos discount next month. I’m not exactly sure what they did this time, but it probably involved stealing from you, so the government is spanking them in the ass again. Whatever. Now you know.

• OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! Try not to hyperventilate but feast your eyes on this, people! The official “Dancing With the Stars 2012” promotional photo has finally been released! I know the show’s premiere is still three days away but this will soothe our anxiety and help us make it through the weekend. Highlights this season, which will allegedly focus more on equality and less on tits and ass, include a one-legged dancer and a girl with down syndrome, a move that I personally applaud. The rest of the cast is made up of hookers and goldiggers as usual.

• Popular Latin pop singer Estela Raval passed away at 77 this week after a long battle with cancer. Don’t worry, you didn’t know who she was so you don’t need to mourn her. In the unlikely case you want to know who she was, here’s a link to her performance on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1967. Or something like that.

• You didn’t click on that did you? That’s OK, I’m not judging.

• As the National Football Team arrived in New Jersey (US) for some game
  

  "Some chick who died," according to you. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  I’m not even gonna bother looking up what it’s about, the Argentine media was outraged – OUTRAGED! – that Americans were oblivious to the fact that Jesus 2.0 (A.K.A. Lionel Messi) was walking among them. Apparently for some reason that I will also not look up, Argentine San Antonio Spurs’ superstar Manu Ginobili stole Messi’s thunder. And since in the US football (or “the soccer”) is only played by little girls and tiger moms, nobody gave a shit. Hey! New Jersey sounds like my kind of place! Let me know when the entire cast of The Jersey Shore is dead, I may consider moving up there.

• As the football boys aimlessly toured the evil mecca of capitalism unnoticed, marveling at the alluring siren song of mass consumption and cotton candy, somewhat popular footballer Sergio “Kun” Aguero went on a shopping spree and purchased an Iron Man doll ”for his son.” Right.

• Oh, I’m sorry! You don’t think that was newsworthy? Well, look at you all nose up in the air, pompously wagging your finger at me, as if you were some kind of respectable journalist. Sorry to have to tell you this people, but Clarín, La Nación, Minuto Uno, Fox Sports and Radio Continental all beg to differ. And those, my friends, are serious news outlets offering relevant need-to-know information on a daily basis. What did you do today? Yeah. Didn’t think so.

• Last but not least: last weekend Argentina beat Ecuador 4-0 during a World Cup 2014 qualifier and the entire country was hysterical, over-celebrating and overreacting after every goal. And I say “overreacting” because I know you know this was a shitty game and that Ecuador didn’t really stand a chance, but you still pretended to be extremely excited and yelled like you just won the lottery. Yes. You should know that every time I see you jump off your chair screaming “GOAL!” during a game that really doesn’t make a difference, I am quietly judging you.

• Fuck football.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

Bolivian President Evo Morales welcomed leaders from the Western Hemisphere yesterday as they gathered for the summit of the Organization of American States (OAS), calling on the organisation to work “in service of the people.”

Morales opened the summit being held in Tiquipaya, a town near Cochabamba, calling for the refounding of the organisation to connect with local peoples and communities.

“The OAS only has two paths: to be reborn in the service of the people or die in the service of the empire,” he said, according to Cuba’s Prensa Latina. The news organisation noted that Morales spoke about the beginnings of the OAS, calling it a ministry of the United States’ colonies. He noted that it has “often served as a means to invade countries, to support dictatorships, to repress social movements and combat socialism.”

As he stated last week in the lead-up to the summit, Morales also reiterated that he believes Bolivia should have a route to the ocean through Chile and the Falklands/Malvinas should be Argentine.

Also speaking yesterday, OAS secretary general José Miguel Insulza asked governments to pay special attention to human rights systems.

“We must be especially careful, since the defense of human rights is one of the main functions of this organisation,” he said.

The theme of the summit is food security with sovereignty, with Insulza noting that the summit presents “a unique opportunity to continue this debate and reaffirm our commitment to overcoming poverty and promote integral development, equitable economic growth and the reduction of the percentage people who suffer from hunger.”