It’s Friday again!

And today is of course a very special day for all of us!

No, I’m not talking about today being another holiday to commemorate the death of Argentina’s forefather José de San Martín (which, by the way, was moved to Monday to make it a long weekend for some reason. Wouldn’t Friday be the same thing?).

No, the reason is that this column is turning two years old this week!

It was almost two years ago that out of a drunken epiphany I decided to create a weekly summary of Argentine news for the average (i.e. lazy) expats who took pride in claiming that they didn’t care who the president of this country was.

Hence the first Weekly News Roundup (seen here) was born on a cold, rainy morning of August 20th, 2010.

It was a short, unfunny, half-assed attempt at writing something different that only got two comments, one of them from a friend of mine (meaning it doesn’t count) and the other from some guy who congratulated me for being “very optimist” (I assume he meant optimistic). And look! I hadn’t even adopted the name “Bono” as my nom de plume!

But despite the public’s intentional indifference I persisted because I pretty much had nothing better to do with my life, and a few years, a lot of practice and a lot of hate mail later, this column evolved naturally into the beautiful, stylistic piece of shit prose that it is today.

So even though it’s only 9 AM, I raise my glass and salute you, my loyal readers/detractors who week after week come to this column to laugh/become infected with rage.

This is only the beginning.

And remember to like our Weekly News Roundup Facebook page so you can keep up with the coming changes.

Oh! And I almost forgot: I’m going away on vacation this weekend so don’t expect a Weekly News Roundup next Friday.

I know, scary right? It’s like when you were little and you lost your mom in the amusement park. You knew she would come back eventually because it’s a closed environment, but in the meantime it was up to you to survive.

Well, that’s you next week. Make me proud.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Three weeks ago no one gave a shit about Taekwondo. Some guy winds a gold medal. Now everyone’s a fan. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, who never lets a photo op go to waste, welcomed in Casa Rosada the Argentine athletes who competed in the London 2012 Olympics and, flanked by new national hero and only gold winner Sebastián Crismanich, boasted that since the Kirchners took over in 2003 Argentina has won a total of 16 medals. Sure, when you say it like that you naturally go “That’s it?”, but considering that in the 44 years before the country had only obtained fourteen, she was proud to congratulate those that with perseverance, honor, courage and self-confidence had brought joy to their nation.

• Then of course she fucked it all up by applauding the women’s national field hockey team for kicking the UK’s ass in the Olympics. “When you defeated England, it was like winning a gold medal. It’s a good thing you won! Otherwise I would have been so upset!” she laughed. Hah! Nothing like some healthy incitement to xenophobia in the hands of a charismatic leader. I can’t wait to see what she has in store for Rio 2016.

• Everyone’s favorite mischievous Vice-President Amado Boudou had the dubious honor of being included in a list of trouble-making veeps from around the world published this week on Foreign Policy. Along with Boudou are four other VP superstars, including Sierra Leone’s Samuel Sam-Sumana and Sudan’s Ali Osman Taha. It’s like the international affairs version of The Breakfast Club, in which Boudou is obviously Emilio Estevez and Sam-Sumana is a machete-wielding Judd Nelson. I don’t know about you but I would totally pay to go see that.

• Now, I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about what was probably the biggest story of the week, involving the Indec national statistics agency and their infamous report saying that you can eat with only $6 pesos a day. Even though most of the media coverage surrounding that story was not entirely accurate, everyone knows their inflation index is nothing short of a joke. So the Argentine chapter of the hacktivist group Anonymous, obviously not amused but such a blatant display of disregard for the public’s intelligence, decided that it was fair game to hack the Indec’s website, just for shits and giggles.

• After the most nightmarish and paralyzing week to have ever been experienced in Buenos Aires since the Toddy cookies disappeared from the shelves, the subway workers came to a “feeble” agreement with the City Government and Metrovías after ten days of strike. The most important part of this paragraph is the word “feeble,” since it means chances are we’ll be dealing with another strike in just a couple of weeks.

• As further evidence that this is a ticking time bomb of unfathomable proportions, the City government has announced that five new subway stations have been finished but cannot be opened to the public because there aren’t enough trains.

• Jesus, just shut down the whole thing and leave it there. Don’t you watch scary movies? Worst case scenario, it becomes a hideout for comic book villains and mutant creatures that feed on homeless people. At $2.50 a ride that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

• Now that the Olympics are over and Argentine athletes don’t have to worry about being deported from England before obtaining any medals, we can all go back to the usual bickering about the Malvinas/Falklands. Newspapers around the country were horrified over the impending arrival of a warship to the islands this week that they themselves announced only a few months ago and now seemed to have completely forgotten about it.

• And because one Malvinas/Falklands-related scandal a week is obviously not enough, the local media decided to run a shocking non-story accusing the Uruguayans of referring to the islands as “Falklands” instead of “Malvinas,” as any respectable non-imperialist Latin nation would do. The preposterous and offensive error was found in some random document no one gives a shit about and was clearly the result of an hungover intern, but that did’t stop the local press from pretty much accusing the Uruguayans of treason. Fortunately President José Mujíca apologized in time before both nations broke relations and announced he would launch “an official investigation”. No, he did. Like, for real.

• Awesome news, everyone! Finally here’s something you can show your parents so they can shut up about how you’re throwing your life away in some South American city that is slowly spinning into the boiling rivers of the Underworld. According to prestigious magazine “The Economist,” Buenos Aires has been picked as Latin America’s best city to live in. In your face, Brazilian Buenos Aires!

• And those of you who complained about the current state of things in this country and moved to Uruguay, you can stay there. We don’t want you back.

• The Córdoba province, not content with trying to expel all prostitutes from its sovereign territory a few weeks ago, is now openly warning that if you have an “amputated penis” you cannot join the police force. That’s right, transsexuals! If you wanna be a cop you gotta take it like a man. That means: have a penis. The new regulation also rejects people who are missing one finger, have diabetes or a stutter. Keep making everyone proud, Córdoba! I can’t wait for you to outlaw divorce and reinstate the use of leeches for curing cancer.

• And speaking of fucked up provinces, remember Salta? You can now add this to the list of weird crimes taking place there. Seriously that place needs its own special CSI unit. Just stay away from it.

• Ready to be enraged? Here’s a domestic violence video that was all over the news and went viral this week showing a coward asshole beating his ex-wife in front of their daughter.

• Ready to be enraged even more? His only punishment is to stay away from the woman for 90 days.

• As more cases like these continue to surface, at least one political party has reacted in some sort of way and called for Congress to declare a national emergency on gender violence, since according to a new report cases have increased a 57% in the last two years.

• OK, this is the part you don’t want your parents to know about. Just stick to the article on The Economist and you’ll be fine.

• This week, in Completely Unnecessary Displays of Self-confidence:
  

  You will never look at Delacroix’s painting the same way after being exposed to Moria Casán’s intoxicating photographs. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  former erotica star and current wrinkled grandmother Moria Casán wants you to know that she is not losing any sleep over accusations that she stole an $80,000 necklace from a Paraguayan jeweler. So she agreed to a racy and gag-inducing photo shoot for Noticias magazine, in which she impersonates Lady Liberty herself, spear in hand and Phrygian cap on wig. The photos are NSFW but don’t worry, the worst parts are censored, praise Jesus. Just make sure you don’t click on that link with the lights off.

• Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

• Agh, who am I kidding. I wasn’t even gonna go.

• And regarding football: it’s been awfully quiet lately. It’s almost as if such dead calm is announcing a coming storm that will explode in a ravaging sea of fire and fury, destroying everything in its path until no living thing is left standing. The hooligans are silent, the players aren’t engaging in prostitution scandals and the sports commentators are surprisingly accurate during the games. So since there’s nothing interesting to tell, here’s the gruesome video of a leg fracture during an Argentinos Juniors match last weekend. Enjoy!

Oh, it’s Friday alright.

And today’s edition of the Weekly News Roundup is particularly fat and juicy, so let’s get down to business fast.

First things first: after thousands and thousands of annoying emails from you, my loyal readers, urging me to create a Weekly News Roundup Facebook page so you can be even lazier every Friday and find this column in one click instead of three, guess what… Here it is! Now you better like it a thousand times and share it on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and Friendster or else.

Also, if so much shit keeps going down every week in this country, I’m either gonna need an intern or a pacemaker.

Since the intern is pretty unlikely, I guess I’m fucked.

This is what you need to know before I have a stroke:

• 

  Probably for the first time in its history, Argentina had a president that was only in power for a few hours due to reasons not related to a coup d’état or a horrible economic crisis. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  On Wednesday, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner flew to Angola, a country that you know is in Africa but that’s pretty much all you know about it (What’s the capital of Angola? See? I told you) to promote bilateral trade – or so she says. Since our favorite Vice-President, mischievous Amado Boudou was in Switzerland receiving an award from the UIT – or so he says – it was up to the third person in line, Provisional Head of the Senate Beatriz Rojkés de Alperovich to step up to the challenge and become acting President, at least until any of the other two came back. Beatriz, a gaffe-prone politician known for accidentally voting in favor of creating a special bicameral committee to investigate Boudou (she was supposed to vote against it) was never even given a chance to speak, just in case she accidentally declared war with the UK. I’m telling you, you can’t even make this whole thing up. It’s like living in an endless sitcom.

• Meanwhile, in Angola… THIS.

• Speaking of Vice-President Amado Boudou, the poor man (I say “poor man” figuratively) can’t catch a break. Not only he’s being investigated of influence peddling, now he has also being accused of being part of an illegal enrichment scheme along with his red-hot temptress of a girlfriend.

• But if you think that it’s only the Kirchnerite realm that is in deep shit, you are dead wrong. Opposition leader by default and Buenos Aires Mayor by accident Mauricio Macri is still being investigated for allegedly authorizing the illegal wiretapping and surveillance of private citizens. Since the case is headed to trial, Macri is expected to take the stand and be questioned by the prosecution.

• But as his Nixonian nightmare continues to develop, Mayor Macri doesn’t care. This week he was busy awarding universally reviled Guatemalan singer Ricardo Arjona with one of those ugly-looking tiles that are being scattered throughout the city in a poor attempt to imitate the Hollywood Walk of Fame. That’s how much he cares about this whole espionage scandal. Macri is badass. Just like the honey badger, Mayor Macri don’t care. Mayor Macri don’t give a shit.

• Meanwhile in Angola… THIS. Government officials regaled barefoot Angolan kids with socks reading “Clarín lies.” This is conceptually so fucked up that I couldn’t even come up with a joke. Sorry.

• Last Sunday brought another edition of Periodismo Para Todos, an infotainment show hosted by serial smoker and controversial journalist Jorge Lanata that has become the de facto leader of the political opposition. Whatever new “scandal” Lanata hits Cristina with, we know that the opposition will bite on it and parrot it for days until whatever new controversy arises. This week his show focused on how Cristina hates to give press conferences (she’s only given a few during her presidency and when she does she is very aggressive towards any reporters who are ideologically different), and featured a surprise appearance by dozens of prominent journalists who chanted in unison “Queremos preguntar!” (“We want to ask questions”). Once the impromptu Greek chorus settled down, Lanata gave his guests a chance to address the President directly on live television and ask her the questions that they are not able to ask to her face. Just imagine, so many things! Inflation! Corruption! The dollar! Rising insecurity! So Argentine TV and radio legend Fernando Bravo, who doesn’t have a Wikipedia page in English so I guess he’s not that much of a legend, was the one chosen to unleash the blitz first because of his sharp tongue and acute political savvy. As the crowd went silent and the entire country sat on the edge of their seat in horror, petrified by his imminent words, Lanata approached the microphone and said: “Fernando, what would you like to ask?” And then Fernando had an “I like turtles” moment and said “Uhm, I’d like to ask the President… what does she think about this show we’re doing?” (00:44 mark). Everyone’s jaws automatically dislocated in disbelief due to the resounding stupidity of his question, and because just like that he had fucked up the entire momentum of the segment. You can even hear a few subtle chuckles by his colleagues in the back! Are you still wondering why journalism is dying?

• Oh, and by the way: if you don’t know what an “I like turtles!” moment is, click here to watch where it comes from.

• Since this week I’ve been asked to death about what I think is going to happen with the dollar, let me tell you: First, fuck you, I’m not an economist. Second: read this CNBC article that explains it pretty clearly and leave me alone.

• Oops! You know how we’re always complaining about inflation but the Government says there’s no inflation, only “price dispersion“? (You didn’t click on that link, did you? Don’t worry, I wouldn’t have either). Well, as it turns out, a group of renegade employees (or as I’ll call them: “traitors”) working for the official inflation-measuring agency INDEC decided to come clean and release the list of prices used to calculate the country’s Consumer Price Index, revealing that the figures reflect prices from 2008. Now let’s just sit and wait for the Government to accuse these men of blasphemy and explain that their numbers are cooked while assuring that according to INDEC calculations we’re indeed living in 2008, not 2012.

• As I’m sure you probably know, subway workers went on an insane 36-hour strike this week that turned traffic into one citywide clusterfuck. The reason for the strike, as I’ve stated here before, is that the Subte is in legal limbo. It’s bleeding money. A lot of money. So neither City Hall nor the National Government want to deal with it, and it’s been like that for several months now, you know the story. Plus, employees are asking for higher salaries and the company says there is no money left. So how were we, common peasants, supposed to go to work? Fret not, my fellow reader! Fortunately for you, your favorite newspaper in the whole world La Nación was there to save the day with their drama-queen headline “How to survive 36 hours without the Subte“, which was later changed to sound less apocalyptic. The article boasts some clever, mind-blowing tips to get from Point A to Point B, such as “walking” or “taking a bus.” Also, in some clear attempt to think outside of the box, it also suggests “taking a taxi” or in some extreme cases, “riding a bike.” I smell a Pulitzer!

• No, really. Are you still wondering why journalism is dying?

• Also, when I refer to La Nación as ”your favorite” Spanish-based newspaper, I mean it. I know you people are obsessed with it. I see you there “liking” it on Facebook and posting every meaningless article they put up on your timeline like there’s nothing else to read. Which means you totally dismissed my advice suggesting your read all newspapers in the country and you’ve greatly disappointed me. Now go to your room.

• And I don’t mean to freak you out but since the union conflicts within the Subte continue, workers have announced a three-day strike next week, which means they will close on Monday night and reopen on Friday morning. Oh, it’s gonna be a fun week.

• Remember how last week I lashed at the British for making that lame, lame Olympic ad spoof that “laughed” at the Argentine proclivity to be late? Guess what. This week, all is forgiven! Even better: it appears they actually took my advice and came up not only with a technically and visually superb ad, but they also made fun of Diego Maradona! Sure, the Carlsberg beer ad glorifies and potentially exacerbates the concept of hooliganism. But who cares about all that when you get to see Diego Maradona mopping the floors for a fraction of a second wearing the t-shirt of the Argentine football team? Certainly not me. Enjoy the ad.

• This week in gay: Finally! City Hall has decided to allow gay foreigners get married in the city of Buenos Aires. It seems that Mayor Macri’s views on gay marriage “evolved” just like Obama’s last week. More gay news coming up after this.

• Not content with its already flamboyantly gay name, Harrod’s Buenos Aires, that abandoned black hole sitting close to the intersection of Florida and Cordoba that has remained vacant for decades since it went broke forever ago, is apparently making a comeback. Well, not only a comeback. A gay comeback! (See? I told you it was about gay news). That’s right. The project to reopen Harrod’s, estimated at 40 million dollars, is aimed at “the gay segment of the population” which is kind of an overstatement considering nothing in this world is gayer than a shopping mall. Maybe a football game, but that’s another story. Congratulations, gays! You know you’ve finally reached equality when capitalism begins targeting your demographic for financial exploitation.

• Despite the popular belief that the New Kids on the Block were all dead, apparently they are kind of alive and for some reason they are coming to Argentina next month. It seems that even though they are neither new nor kids, they have some pretty solid fan base here. So in case you’re planning on going to see them promote their unpronounceable album, here is a link to the site where you can buy the tickets.

• I know. I’m not going either but whatever. It’s courtesy.

• I’m sure by now we’ve all lost count of how many spin-offs the Argentine version of Dancing With the Stars (in Spanish, Bailando por un Sueño, or “Dancing For a Dream”) has spawned in the last few years. But as Singing With the Stars approaches its premiere date, producers are trying to milk that cow in every way possible. So now there’s this show aptly named Soñando por Cantar (Dreaming to Sing… barf), a mixture of American Idol and something else that I’m having trouble identifying. So contestants go on stage and embarrass themselves for a few minutes and stuff. No, seriously. In a nutshell, that’s pretty much the concept of the show. And this week, this girl was on stage and was asked to perform Whitney Houston‘s unforgettable “I Will Always Love you“. Unfortunately not only she agreed to channel her inner Whitney, she also totally butchered the song by singing in Spanish and completely off key. Ms. Houston, who was probably already spinning in her grave due to this, seems to have said “enough of this bullshit” and ghost-punched her in the face to end this postmortem debauchery once and for all. The result is, of course, hilarious.

• That’s OK, take your time to laugh. There’s no rush.

• OK, this is a football one with lots of plot twists and names so chances are
  

  Lesson learned: don’t piss off dead Whitney. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  I’m gonna fuck up big time. But fear not, because all that matters is the hilarious video at the end. Ricardo Caruso Lombardi is the current coach of a team named San Lorenzo. People tell me it’s a fairly popular team (I’m already lost but I’ll keep going). Caruso Lombardi is fairly new to San Lorenzo, since he was brought in to replace the former coach, Leonardo Madelón. The Madelón years were, according to football historians, pretty forgettable. In fact, he began coaching last November and was fired in April after five months of poor performances. I’m not sure what befell Madelón after his resignation but I’m pretty sure he’s dead. Or at least he’s been banished from the kingdom. I don’t know, some friends were explaining the whole thing to me but Family Guy was on and I find it really hard to retain any football-related data so I may not have all the information that you need. The thing is Madelón is gone, that’s for sure. Maybe dead, too. But anyway, last Monday afternoon Caruso Lombardi was a guest at some football TV show and, alas, he spoke ill of his (dead?) predecessor’s performance. Naturally, the predecessor’s minions (or “field assistants”) were not amused by his lack of decorum and principles and decided to go wait for him outside the TV station to discuss the matter like grown up gentlemen. Or, in other words, beat the shit out of him.

• The cop trying to separate the two of them while sexting his girlfriend at the 00:41 mark is one of the best things I’ve seen in my entire life.

• And finally! I never thought I would ever write the words “Obama” and “Boca Juniors” in the same paragraph, but here it is. This week Barack Obama was driving around Washington DC with his posse and decided to go get some food. He entered some random joint, got his sandwiches, paid, met with the owners a few minutes and left. Now, if you’re wondering why this was plastered all over the newspapers, computer screens and discussed ad nauseum in every social and TV network, it is because the guy behind the counter was wearing a Boca Juniors t-shirt!! Not only that, Obama said that the t-shirt had “beautiful colors”! Oh my God, you guys!!!!!! This was enough to make all Boca fans around to world to join in a collective orgasm and miraculously start praising Obama for being the best president in like, ever. It was also featured here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

• And of course, minutes later the restaurant owner had his fifteen minutes of fame after Clarín published his mandatory “Who is…?” profile. He likes to sell choripanes, people! Thank God for that piece of information. My life is now complete.

• For the last time, are you still wondering why journalism is dying? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

“The audience stood still, fascinated at the fact that in 2010 a man would still wear red suspenders.” – A puppeteer entertains a few foreigners on Defensa St., San Telmo

“Do you have these in real tin?” – A woman browses through a merchant’s stuff in San Telmo on Sunday afternoon.