It’s Friday again!

And as the cognitive dissonance in both sides of the political spectrum continues to split the Argentine society into two big antagonist magnets, here comes the Weekly News Roundup (click there and like our Facebook page, yes?) trying to maintain a level-headed opinion, a resort purposely designed to piss you off.

So, in order to escape the sad fate of becoming a cliche, I’m actually not going to take a position on what happened last night and will let you, my loyal scholars, choose one for me.

We all know confirmation bias is what makes you pick a newspaper over another. Knowing that you will agree with what the paper says beforehand grants you a false sense of momentaneous security. You need someone to tell you that your opinions are indeed accurate and it’s the others who are wrong.

Whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess.

So you know how I’m always saying this country is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book? I think it’s time we put that into practice:

• 

  Probably your hand. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  If you think President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is a hate-mongering “yegua” who deserves to be overthrown at all costs, proceed to the Anti-Government bullet point.

• If you think those repugnant Recoleta denizens are nothing but coup-mongers whose only concern is their inability to purchase US dollars and therefore deserve to die, proceed to the Pro-Government bulletpoint.

• Anti-Government rant: After years of unbearable oppressiveness and fearing the cold, metallic touch of Cristina’s iron fist, the destitute masses of Argentina finally made their voices heard and led a multitudinous, successful protest that spread all over the nation. People engaged in pot-banging activities (sounds like a junkie’s favorite sexual position but trust me, it’s not) to protest the current administration and course-correct the destiny of this country before it is too late (click here for the Indy’s awesome photo gallery on the story). TN was the only news network brave enough to show the ramifications of such an astounding social protest while over 100,000 people from all social strata took to the streets of Buenos Aires to oppose the Government’s plans to turn this country into Cuba or Venezuela. Yeah, that’s what happened. Now repeat after me: Zurdos! Vagos! Chorros! Use those insults on random people and evaluate their reaction. If you don’t end up in a coma, let me know what you learned.

• Pro-Government rant: Absolutely nothing happened last night. In fact, if you tuned in Canal 7 (state-owned channel) they were showing a documentary on birds (not a joke). But if something had actually happened, I’m sure it wouldn’t have mattered. It was just a bunch of dollar-hungry, rich, greedy, fascist, lame-excuse-of-a -human-being people trying to overthrow godsend President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and her humble cabinet and replace them all with Emperor George W. Bush and Viceroy Queen Elizabeth II. Yeah, that’s what happened. Now repeat after me: Fachos! Cipayos! Gorilas! Use those insults on random people and evaluate their reaction. If you don’t end up in a coma, let me know what you learned.

• Also, if the Middle Class is looking to prove that their protests are legitimate, and that this is not related to the restrictions on the dollar, but is in response to the existing non-existing-inflation, the rise of criminal activities and Cristina’s unapologetic bullying attitude towards anyone who dares to dissent with her, let me just say that this is not helping.

• Oh, and neither does this.

• In case you’re wondering, “gatear” is what a female escort does. You’re welcome.

• Your favorite source for quotable information – besides this column – finally published an article on the ridiculous urban myth saying that you only need six pesos a day in order to eat in this country. Now, don’t get the Government wrong: their studies say that even though you can eat for such a risible amount of money, it still means you’re very poor. Let’s think of what we can buy with six pesos: a cheeseburger in Mc Donald’s a can of tuna a super pancho a bottle of beer a salad a banana a bottle of water. Fuck it, I give up.

• Or you can move to the San Juan province, where in their little parallel universe that urban myth seems to be working just fine.

• At least the people in the cacerolazo protests get to make fun of it.

• The average hard-working man continues to be ostracized and vilified by the system, as now due to the severe government restrictions in the currency exchange market sector, PayPal Argentina has announced that it is disabling all transactions between domestic accounts. It seems locals, smart as they are, had found a way to bypass the restrictions and withdraw dollars in the US from their accounts in Argentina. And since this probably makes the AFIP tax agency sad, PayPal decided to react accordingly against the seven Argentines who actually know what PayPal is.

• Oh and don’t worry expats, foreign transactions are still active. So your parents can still transfer money into your local accounts. Stop whining.

• This one’s for you, girls: You know how your parents always warn you about checking your drinks when going out because of the rape drug? Well now you have something else to fear when drinking that tasty caipirinha. In the city of Santa Fe, a girl suffered severe internal burns after a bartender mistook dry Lye for sugar and put it in her drink. Smart move, bartender! “I’ll just leave this acid that looks like sugar right next to the actual sugar.” It’s like the Itchy & Scratchy show, only less original.

• Did you guys have fun last Sunday afternoon pretending that controlling your breathing for fifteen minutes in Palermo was somehow going to change your life for the better? Well I’m glad you did. But you know who didn’t have a good time though? Your very own (im)personal guru and messiah of meditation, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, who was questioned by the AFIP tax agency as he was trying to escape leave the country.

• Also, if the more than 100,000 people who spent last Sunday afternoon relaxing in the park are the same who four days later were foaming at the mouth because of the Government policies, then not to be a party pooper but whatever it is you did to relax didn’t actually work.

• Remember disgraced boxer Rodrigo “Hiena” Barrios, who in 2010 caused an accident while driving inebriated in
  

  You’ll never look at a caipirinha the same way again. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Mar del Plata and ended the life of a pregnant woman and her unborn child? It turns out that as he appeals his four-year sentence, a local court decided to give him back his driver’s license. I mean, come on, it’s not like the guy did it on purpose! He was drunk! You can’t blame him for that! Oh, but the public outrage was too much, so the Government decided to ban him from sitting behind a wheel again, and all of this in just one day! So now he is forced to hop on the bus completely drunk and sit on his own vomit until he gets home, just like the rest of us (expect for the killing part).

• Check your calendars, everyone! Because 2010 is making a comeback and it ain’t pretty. You see, the once invincible Dancing With The Stars is suddenly tanking in the ratings, and Marcelo Tinelli is not happy. It seems that after a 6-year slumber, the Argentine population has said “Enough!” to cheap scandals and mediocre dancing and begun changing to channel to happier, more preppy story lines, like the hit show of the moment “Graduados,” which is like Beverly Hills 90210, only worse (and I’m not talking about the recent series reboot, I’m talking about the original one. Seriously, who could you watch that crap?). In a desperate attempt to regain his squandered glory, Tinelli decided to bring back current nemesis and former pariah Ricardo Fort, who was exultant to retake the place he was fired from two years ago, even if only for a day. So in all honesty I’m not really sure what this post is all about. I just wanted you to know that Bailando por un Sueño is losing big, and it feels really good. The only way they’ll ever have another peak in the ratings is by bringing on stage some huge international star like, I don’t know, Madonna.

• DAMN IT!!!!

• And in case you haven’t been following Ricardo Fort’s recent incursions into the realm of legitimate musical theater, here he is doing The Lion King and Jesus Christ Superstar. You’re welcome to decide which one is more offensive.

• No, yeah, definitely the Jesus one.

• Also, thank God for this.

• And by the way, someone needs to edit the Graduados Wikipedia page in English. That thing is a mess.

• [Warning: shameless plug coming up] Before we finish, have you RSVP’d to attend our Buenos Aires Underground Market event tomorrow? We’re all going to be there sampling food and drinking like crazy, so why not join us for a while? It starts at noon and finishes at 5 pm. You have no excuse. [End of shameless plug].

• I know, I’m such a corporate whore.

• Have you noticed how I haven’t talked much about football lately? Either nothing is happening (unlikely) or I’m not paying enough attention (pretty likely). Whatever the case may be, here you go:

• This is hardly news because it happens every day, but one of the leaders of the Independiente hooligans has been shot. Now, that link is four days old so I’m not sure if he made it or not. Honestly I’m having brunch in an hour and can’t be bothered to find out. You figure it out yourself, mk? Consider it homework.

• Argentina gave us a lackluster performance in a game against Peru this week, which according to my sources (Wikipedia) was a World Cup qualifying match. The game ended 1-1 and everyone engaged in some fun, harmless homophobic behavior, with a fake photo of Lionel Messi telling Peruvians to go “eat it” via Twitter and some Peruvian player I never heard of calling him and Gonzalo Higuaín “little girls.” Whatever.

• No wonder I never talk about football.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

It’s Friday again! (That’s right, we’re back to using that one).

And what a week it’s been!

The dollar fever is on the rise and Argentines keep roaming the streets aimlessly, eyes injected in blood from all the whining, looking for a green bill that any lucky foreigner may be willing to part ways with. It’s like zombies, only they say “Dollars… dollars…” instead of “Brains… brains…”.

You know how it is, you’ve seen The Walking Dead.

You see, US dollars have become a commodity in the last few weeks due to the Government’s desperate attempts at stopping the country from bleeding money.

So if you’re abroad and are thinking of making a quick trip to good old Argieland, make sure you bring a big fat wad o’ cash. Preferably lots of Benjamins. If you sell them for pesos in the black market you may or may not be able to buy yourself a pretty little castle (moat included!) in this country.

But if you’re not abroad and are thinking of making a quick trip to the US, you’re fucked.

And now that I’ve ruined your life, and liked the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, this is what you need to know:

• 

  Have you seen any of these lately? If you have, call me. We need to talk. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  DESPAIR! Millions of Argentines are growing increasingly impatient to the Government’s new currency exchange policies which make it hard for common folk like you and me to buy dollars. And yes, I know I just mentioned that in the introduction but that was just that: an introduction and a hook to keep you interested. God knows the hate mail starts coming in as soon as you come across a paragraph that doesn’t contain a snarky remark or a punchline. So shut up and keep reading, I’m doing this to help you understand the gigantic clusterfuck we’re all immersed in right now.

• So like I was saying… DESPAIR! This week saw the passing of controversial Resolution 3333 which restricts currency trading even more. A day that will live in infamy! Because now if you want to travel abroad and need to buy dollars, it is very, very difficult to do so. You need to obtain a special permit from the AFIP tax agency and in order to do so you must prove that the money you’re using was obtained legally. So if you have an Argentine DNI, why not give it a shot? Visit the AFIP website, enter your personal information and get upset when your request is categorically denied. Congratulations! You’re now officially an Argentine citizen.

• What are you yelling at me for?! I never told you to move here.

• As millions of Argentines looking to buy dollars to travel abroad visited the infamous AFIP website hoping for an absolution, many started to realize something was slightly odd in the “Country of Destination” section of the form they were supposed to fill out. As people scrolled down through the list of countries they noticed Cold War relics such as Yugoslavia, the USSR and East Germany were available as possible “destinations,” in case you wanted to take a holiday in 1972. Soon the media (“the media” being mainly Clarín and La Nación, of course) began echoing the head scratching gaffe, as if it were some kind of collective venting experience, a cathartic moment of joy universally known as the good old “Ha-ha!”. So now you know: if you wanna go to Machu Picchu, don’t forget to click on “Incan Empire” as destination. You may end up in a different century, and if there’s something we have all learned from Back to the Future is that you do not fuck with time. You’re welcome.

• Ultra-Kirchnerite senator Aníbal Fernández, known for his capability to articulately defend the indefensible and also for his prominent mustache, obviously went out with guns blazing to attack those criticizing the new restrictions. “Argentina has to start thinking in pesos,” he said. “Only 11% of Argentines save in dollars, the rest of the population has nothing to do with it. For that reason, you have to make policies that make sense to everyone and give us similar solutions.” No punchline, right? Keep reading, it’s coming.

• One day after Fernández’s statements in which he urged Argentines to save in pesos, not dollars, the media (“the media” being mainly Clarín and La Nación, of course), published a detailed list of his personal savings, information that is available upon request in order to “keep corruption out of government” *cough*. And what do you know! Our mustached friend has US$24,000 stored safely away in his bank account! Naughty, naughty! Cornered, wounded and without much ammo left, when he was criticized once more by a journalist for preaching about something he wasn’t doing himself, he just exploded: “You know why I save in dollars? Because I fucking feel like it!” Oh, shit. He went there.

• One day and many screams from President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner later, the mustached crusader apologized for his statements and said he would get rid of his dollars eventually (“eventually” as in “never”). Did I mention the President still has US$3 million in savings? Because she does. But that’s OK, she’s the President. She can do whatever the fuck she wants.

• And indeed she can, apparently, because if you want to stay in her hotel in Calafate, you must bring dollars baby! Ah, democracy.

• Remember the recent accusations against Vice-President Amado Boudou? That’s OK, I didn’t expect you to. So here’s a link to it, so you can at least pretend to care. Anyway, one of the casualties of political war in this whole mess was Attorney General Esteban Righi, who resigned from office after Boudou suggested he had tried to bribe him. In his replacement, the Government suggested appointing current SIGEN head Daniel Reposo, a man you don’t know about or care about, and that’s OK because even if you did it wouldn’t make any difference. So Reposo showed up all cocky and proud at the steps of Congress and turned in his résumé, which would be subjected to great scrutiny in the congressional committees. Too bad Reposo seemed to forget this, because as soon as lawmakers began analyzing it they came across certain “irregularities,” (AKA lies) about his professional past. Let’s review them, shall we?

• Résumé says: “Speaker at UN conference alongside Ban Ki-moon.”
• Counterargument: UN says he just attended the event, never spoke.
• Official Government response: “It was a typo.”

• Résumé says: “Speaker at the XIII Ibero-American Conference of Public Administration Ministers in Venezuela.”
• Counterargument: Organization in Venezuela has no record of him ever speaking there.
• Official Government response: “It was a typo.”

• Résumé says: “Worked for the International Association of Jewish Lawyers and Jurists.”
• Counterargument: Association has no record of him ever working there.
• Official Government response: “It was a typo.”

• No, really, the Government is claiming these were all typos. So check back next week when we find out he did not, in fact, run for president of the United States in the 90s and the he wasn’t a part of the Apollo 11 crew when they walked on the moon.

• Did you enjoy the cacerolazo last night? An alluring, exotic experience
  

  Join the super fun Cacerolazo tonight! It’s just like the "Occupy" or "Indignant" movements, with the only difference that it is nothing like them. At all. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  for you, wasn’t it? People in Recoleta, Palermo and Belgrano (all middle-to-upper class neighborhoods *wink, wink*) decided they had had enough of “corruption, inflation, insecurity” and took to the streets to demand they are allowed to be rich and stuff. This guy even went viral worldwide! And to think that some of you even joined the protests! Look at you, how dangerously adventurous! Your parents would be proud! And here are some even greater news: in order to expand your anthropological studies of the Argentine society even further, they are repeating it tonight! That’s right, starting at 10 pm, tonight’s nationwide cacerolazo is expected to be even bigger than last night’s! With some luck you may be able to experience what happened here 10 years ago when the country’s economy suffered its worst meltdown in history and it all went to shit. Seriously, who needs to go to the USSR in the 70s when you can go to Argentina in 2001? And you don’t even need an AFIP permit for this one.

• The Catholic Church is still freaking out about the recent Supreme Court ruling on abortion and is now supporting a bill drafted by the clergy that suggests offering cash incentives to women if they choose not to terminate their pregnancies. Awesome idea, you guys! One question though: who’s supposed to pay for that if passed, the Pope? Oh I see, we’re gonna pay for that. Not you. Us! Splendid. Jesus must be rolling in his grave cloud.

• Not that you care or anything, but the Iguazu Falls have finally been awarded a plaque reading that they are part of the “New Seven Wonders of the World,” a private undertaking led by the New Open World Corporation that is not related in any way, shape of form to UNESCO, meaning that it’s total bullshit. Yeah, I know. I just completely ruined it for you, whatever.

• Also, if you don’t believe me, UNESCO is not very happy about it either.

• Great news, everyone! Now that cell phone companies have stolen billions from you, their loyal paying customers, the Government has finally decided that it’s not legal for them to charge you for making a call when the other side doesn’t pick up. The bad news is that you probably didn’t know this, and right now you’re going: “What?! You mean I been paying thousands of pesos for calls that never existed?!”. Yes. Yes I do mean that. 🙂

• Oh and also, have you been having problems when sending a text message from your cell phone, especially if you have a Claro or Movistar line? Well, first of all you kind of deserve it because no one sends text messages anymore. Everybody uses Whatsapp. And second of all, don’t worry, it’s not your phone. According to Movistar, it’s Claro’s fault. Then again, according to Claro, it’s Movistar’s fault. And while both companies pilloried each other indirectly in the twitterverse, I’m pretty sure all those text messages you sent and never arrived were added to your bill accordingly. Do you want me to end this one with a happy face too, so it makes you feel a little better? OK, here it is.

• Now, I don’t mean to freak you out but the new season of the local version of Dancing With The Stars (“Bailando por un Sueño“) officially has a premiere date! That’s right friends! On June 11th. our favorite host Marcelo Tinelli and his army of high-class hookers professional dancers are taking over the airwaves again! So grab your kids, pour yourself some glass of fine wine, light up a cigar and sit right next to the chimney so you can enjoy some quality television with the family. Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll get some tits and ass, all on the same night! God knows humanity is still recovering from what happened last year (watch the 1:45 mark).

• Speaking of poor taste: Behold! After many days of uncertainty and intrigue, former has-been model and current Who’s-that-again Katie Price released the much coveted portfolio of her new lingerie line “Katie’s Boutique,” exclusively sold at Store Twenty One (“exclusively” as in “no other store would want to sell it”). Now if you’re wondering why this is news in Argentina (I would be if I were you), it is because as you may recall, Katie is still dating former TV lifeguard and current boyfriend-of-Katie-Price Leandro Penna, who – you guessed it – is featured largely in the racy photographs. Which means everyone here was talking about it. That’s right people. This is what passes for news nowadays. Deal with it.

• Also, the British may be sending a nuclear submarine this way, but the Argentines send them Leandro Penna. A nuclear blast may be a more effective, immediate solution to end a conflict, but the dumbing down of a cultural heritage has more harmful, lasting effects than the radioactive fallout. Five more years of his insightful brainfarts on Twitter and BAM! The Falkland Islands belong to Argentina again.

• Before we jump into the next bullet point, let me just make it abundantly clear that I had nothing to do with it. Got it? So no hate mail. Fan mail is OK, though. OK? OK.

• Millions of football fans around the world shrieked in horror last Monday when, while checking Twitter to learn the latest about the football world minutiae, realized that Fox Sports Norte tweeted that probable cyborg Lionel Messi had died. As panic began spreading throughout the international football community and many prayed that the tweet was actually referring to the other, less-popular Lionel Messi, the real Messi came back from the dead and announced he was, in fact, very much alive. So I guess all those idiots that have been calling him “the Messi-ah” these last few years had kind of a point.

• Then again, Fox Sports Norte later announced their Twitter account had been hacked, so no. They didn’t.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And I have bad news for you: the Malvinas clusterfuck is back in full force!

Because now that the YPF expropriation bill has been passed, what other nationalist cause are we going to be distracted with? The 2014 World Cup is still more than two years away, so that’s a no.

So I guess there’s no choice but to dust off the Malvinas playbook and start yelling at British people again.

Here’s everything you need to know (but don’t want to know):

• 

  Wenlock and Mandeville, the terrifying mascots of the 2012 London Olympics. I don’t condone violence but I must admit it will be funny to see an Argentine athlete kicking them in the crotch in order to make a point about Malvinas. Not because I care about the islands, but because they’re just plain ugly. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Since I’m sure you didn’t go to Velez for the Cristina-palooza last week, here’s the 40-minute speech she gave before thousands of flag-waving, ecstatic youngsters who attended the event to celebrate her existence. Since I’m willing to bet my life that you didn’t click on that link, let me tell you: she basically glorified young people as the future of the nation and told the crowds to remain “united and organized.” Also there was a lot of yelling, even though she was standing two centimeters away from the microphone. All in all, a positive experience for those who survived the yelling.

• Meanwhile this week, Cristina’s arch-nemesis and opposition leader City Mayor Mauricio Macri, was tweeting some photos about his session of calisthenics and something that looks like him awkwardly tango dancing with another guy. I tell ya, this guy is a workaholic.

• In what could be considered the most awkward exchange of passive-aggressive smiles and ice-cold stares since Alien Vs. Predator, newly appointed Argentine ambassador to the UK Alicia Castro put British Foreign Secretary William Hague in the hot seat as he launched the annual world review of human rights at a ceremony in London. Sitting right in front of him on the first row as he took the podium, Castro once again repeated the local government’s mantra regarding the Malvinas/Falklands and asked him point blank (or “ambushed,” as The Telegraph put it) if he was ready to give peace a chance. Enjoy the video.

• The UK, of course, said it was “disappointed” at her behavior, but Castro is a maverick, she doesn’t give a fuck.

• Since this Wednesday marked the 30th. anniversary of the sinking of the General Belgrano cruiser during the Malvinas War, Cristina found yet another excuse to hold a ceremony related to the Malvinas. In a televised speech she gave from the Pink House she inaugurated the brand new (*rolls eyes*) “Malvinas Argentinas Courtyard” and then she defended ambassador Castro’s actions, saying that “refusing to engage in dialogue is unsustainable,” a funny thing to say considering she refuses to talk to journalists since like, ever. She also criticized the permanent members of the UN Security Council (i.e.: the US and the UK) saying that they always force other countries to follow UN resolutions but they themselves refuse to abide by them, which is actually kind of true.

• Sorry, we’re not done talking about Malvinas yet. But here, take a break from that subject and enjoy this awesome/terrifying video.

• Alright, I’m sure you feel refreshed now. And dirty. Let’s go back to Malvinas.

• The 2012 London Olympics are right around the corner, and God knows what kind of fuckery will transpire there between the Argentine and the British teams. But if what happened this week is any indication, we’re in for a fun winter of gold medals and diplomatic shenanigans that will certainly end once the Olympic torch goes out and David Cameron little-boys Buenos Aires. Everyone in the UK and the Malvinas/Falklands was up in arms yesterday after a controversial TV spot aired in Argentina, depicting the Argentine national hockey team captain Fernando Zylberberg “training” on the islands. As if that weren’t insulting enough (for the British), the ad concludes with the phrase “To compete on British soil, we train on Argentine soil.” Oh, snap!

• Yellow press crusader The Sun, of course, took it one step further and ran this headline. Dramaqueenism at its best.

• And to add insult to injury, the ad was created by Young & Rubicam, an advertising agency that belongs to – you guessed it – a British company. God, August cannot come fast enough. I’m gonna have so much to write about I may have to start doing a Daily News Roundup.

• In YPF news, I totally spoiled it at the beginning already but the
  

  Many criticized The Sun for printing such a disrespectful headline after the sinking of the General Belgrano. But many more failed to realize that even more disrespectful is that The Sun is all about girls showing their tits. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  expropriation bill has been passed, which means that Argentina now owns 51 percent of the oil company. Yay!

• Also this week, two romantic revolutionaires decided that a good way to make a point about something was to set off a bomb outside the European Union‘s offices in Recoleta. God bless these people, and their fight for peace by blowing stuff up.

• Another tourist allegedly raped in Salta. The suspect has already turned himself in, assuring that he was in a relationship with the victim, a 21-year-old Swiss woman who was doing volunteer work there. I have no idea what the hell is going on there, but stay away.

• Also in Salta this week, since such attacks pose a PR nightmare to the tourism industry there, the media (that’s us!) found a way to distract the population with a most sensationalist story that was covered by every network in the country: the tragic, heartbreaking story of an 8-year-old girl that was seen driving around in a car.

• No, really. That happened. And boy, people were outraged. I mean, look at that video! The low quality! The shaky camera! The epic soundtrack! Rape? What rape?

• Now onto the football part, which always comes last because it is obviously the least important one: Congratulations football megastar Lionel Messi! Not only you’re going to be a father soon, but this week you broke yet another record! After scoring his 68th. goal this season, Messi broke the record for goals scored in a European club season, previously held by some German guy called Gerd Müller. I have no idea what any of this means, all I know is that I get more internet hits thanks to it.

It’s Friday, people!

And I have great news: I’m still here!

I know that last week I may have suggested that the local Government was en route to arrest me for considering me an enemy of the state due to my treacherous citizenship and was planning to ship me off to the Argentine Guantanamo, but it turns out it was all a huge misunderstanding! (Basically, I made it all up.)

So, what else is new? Oh, right. The Fall is basically extinct, and in further evidence that Argentina is approaching a “tropical country” status largely due to climate change, last week we went to bed while enjoying a warm, summer night and woke up the next morning freezing to death. I’m not kidding, this week it was actually colder in some areas of Argentina than in Antarctica.

So hurry up, my fellow hibernation enthusiasts, and learn the facts before we’re all encased in ice for the rest of eternity under half a kilometer of snow.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  In a distant past (2010) people would stride great lengths and travel en masse to the International Book Fair just to catch a glimpse of the so-called "books." Now everyone’s hooked on e-books, so no one gives a shit. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  The Argentine Senate has preliminary approved the YPF expropriation bill, which is now headed to the Lower House floor. Lawmakers believe the bill could be finally passed next Wednesday, unless NATO bombs us first.

• Still, it seems my country (Spain) will have to swallow its words and find a different approach to the whole YPF controversy. After what started as a grim warning of how terrible Argentina’s decision to expropriate the oil company was, the outrage seemed to fade out as the week progressed and the Spanish government found that pretty much no one was willing to join the administration’s plans to bomb Buenos Aires. International organizations such as the IMF and the World Bank, as well as the European Union and the US feigned disappointment and indignation for a couple of minutes, but then swiftly washed their hands from the whole thing by calling it a “bilateral issue.” Sure, the European Commission has warned that Argentina’s decision will have “dire consequences” for the population’s future, but there’s not much more they can do. Except bomb us.

• I’m done with this YPF thing for today, I promise. Although don’t get too excited. Malvinas is coming up next.

• The brand new Argentine ambassador in London, Alicia Castro, first published an interesting op-ed on Malvinas (See? I told you) in the conservative British newspaper The Telegraph, which caused the faces of all its readers to melt, Indiana Jones-style. She then formally presented the UK government with a proposal to restore commercial flights between the Malvinas Islands and Buenos Aires, as a friendly gesture. Then the islanders said no, which sucks because I was really hoping to score me some low-cost tickets for one of these long weekends. Think about it, the Malvinas could be a great place to celebrate Spring Break. British pubs, the sea and lots and lots of penguins. It doesn’t get any better than that. Come on, islanders!

• If you are a passionate follower of President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, chances are: a) You hate me for being “anti-Kirchnerite” (even though I’m not), and b) You’re not reading this before you’re heading over to the Vélez stadium in Liniers to attend the Cristina-palooza that is taking place today at 6 pm! (You’ve probably seen the posters while walking down the street, summoning everyone to go show their support for the President). And if you’re wondering what the hoopla is all about, what big announcement she’s going to make, this is the best part: it’s about nothing. You know, like Seinfeld. No, seriously. The whole point of the rally is to have a stadium full of people calling her name, while she gives an impassioned speech showing how strong she is. That way she can persuade NATO from bombing us all next Wednesday.

• If you’re wondering why the Subte has been going on strike almost everyday lately, here is why (not that you care). Long story short, since the whole subway system is a ticking time bomb on the verge of collapse and neither the National nor the City governments want to take care of it, the Subte employees are selflessly trying to raise awareness about how unprotected us passengers are, while putting their entire careers at risk over charges of insubordination. Also, they want more money.

• Great news everyone! You know when you’re standing in the immigration line to enter/leave Argentina at the Ezeiza airport and you realize you didn’t bring a pen with you so you can’t fill out those pesky immigration forms? Well, not to worry because as of now the Government has finally implemented the new digital terminals with a biometric system. How exotic and 21st century of yours, Argentina! It’s almost like in the US! (Without the paranoia).

• Terrible news everyone! You know when you’re standing in the luggage belt after landing at the Ezeiza airport (don’t make me link to Wikipedia again) and you realize your suitcases have been ripped open and someone has stolen your Toblerones, your iPod, your iPad, your iLaptop or whatever and your digital camera because you were dumb enough to put them in your suitcase instead of carrying them with you? Well, it is still happening (which you should have guessed since I started this bullet point by saying “Terrible news everyone!”). The Ezeiza airport police arrested 15 employees this week who were found responsible of stealing hundreds of items from careless travelers in the last couple of years. So remember that next time you send off your blackberry in a giant suitcase because you can’t be bothered to carry it.

• I guess being afraid of having your stuff stolen somewhat counts as being paranoid, so there! The local airport experience is now just like in the US.

• Argentina, you’re on (technologically speaking) fire! Since apparently the biometric system at the airport was not enough to make us look cool, now taxis will gradually begin offering passengers the possibility of paying with a credit or debit card. Fancy! So far only “15 or 20 taxis” have been provided with a wireless card reader in order to test the new methodology and “see what happens.” Really? “See what happens”? What could happen? You pay and you get out of the car! Am I missing something here? Whatever. Good luck catching one of those “15 or 20″ taxis in a city of three million people.

• Have you visited the International Book Fair in Plaza Italia yet? Why not? Never mind.

• Well if you had been there on opening day, you would have witnessed the hilariously tragic crossfire between Education Minister Alberto Sileoni and the City’s Culture Minister Hernán Lombardi (I know you didn’t click on any of those links, by the way). You see, since both of them were asked to give a speech at the opening ceremony, Lombardi (at odds with Cristina) seized the opportunity to attack the National Government for last month’s “ban on books” fiasco. Sileoni, of course, pretty much told him to fuck off while the audience booed and clapped and stuff. All in the name of education and culture, people.

• [ADDENDUM] Jesus, people! OK, I get it. I got like 15 emails from you and one guy even complained about it below. There are no “boos” to be heard in the Feria del Libro video, even though they existed. Sorry I gave you hope on some “boos” everyone! And if you still need to satisfy your blood lust, here’s a video from a couple of years ago when Cuban dissident Hilda Molina presented her book at the fair and leftist groups decided to crash her event and ruin it, all in the name of freedom of speech. Now fuck off.

• Oops! Back in 2008, 58 Pre-Columbian artifacts dating from 500
  

  Hotel Eden. Nazis welcome. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  to 1000AD, with a cumulative value estimated at around US$ 700,000, were mysteriously stolen from the Ambato Museum in La Falda, Córdoba. How exciting and Hollywoodesque, right? Even more intriguing, the Ambato Museum is located inside the creepy Hotel Eden, a mythical place that once hosted Che Guevara and Albert Einstein. What’s worse, according to historians, its owners were staunch Adolf Hitler supporters (no surprise there) and had personally offered their hotel as a hideout to the fuhrer in case things didn’t go as planned after World War II. How awesome is this story, huh? You’ve got the fifth Indiana Jones movie right here. The script is writing itself! But alas, it turns out it wasn’t the Neo-Nazis trying to revive Hitler and Che Guevara by casting some ancient indigenous spell only described in one of the stolen artifacts. Nah, that’s too contrived. They were actually in the hands of a City Government official who moonlights as an art collector, obviously. The guy has claimed that he purchased the items “in good faith” and that he had no idea that they were stolen, while City Hall has denied that the guy was working for them. Whatever the case may be, it’s a thousand times less exciting than the possibility of a fight to the death between zombie Hitler and zombie Che Guevara while the fate of humanity hangs in the balance.

• I know, I have issues. Leave me alone.

• This week, in “The Football“: TRAGEDY! In an unexpected turn of events that has the global scientific community at a loss, infallible, human-like deity Lionel Messi failed to score against the Chelsea this week, triggering an unstoppable chain of events that has ended in the shaming and collapse of Spain as a sports legend worldwide. And we all know what this means. THIS. That’s it, folks. Messi is now officially on the way down. Sure, he reached the pinnacle of his almighty glory these last few years, but deep down we all knew he wouldn’t be able to keep this charade up for long. Now, I don’t know much about football (that’s why every week I keep feeding you inaccurate information when it comes to games, and teams and players and shit. It’s not that I fail at gathering the correct information. I just don’t care about getting it), but one thing is clear: when you fail once, the deep scrutinizing begins. “Is something wrong with him?” or ”Messi hits rock bottom!” are some of the statements coming from the pundits who allegedly know what they’re talking about. So now it’s only a matter of time before he gives in to cocaine, alcohol and prostitutes (you know, like a certain someone) and he ends up in a distant outpost in the Middle East while engaging in mischief and tomfoolery largely due to cultural differences (you know, like a certain someone).

• You thought I was going to compare him to Diego Maradona, didn’t you? Please, like I’m that predictable.

• Oh, shit: The local press is saying that Lionel Messi’s girlfriend is pregnant. And so the collapse of an idol begins.

• Erik Lamela (someone I never heard of before but apparently used to play for River Plate so I guess he was kind of important), has having some sort of a kerfuffle with another player and decided to settle their argument by spitting on him. So here’s the video, which is totally disappointing because you can see him pursing his lips but you cannot see the actual spit. And let’s face it, that’s the only reason why you would click on that link in the first place. Still, Spitgate was so big this week that I decided to mention it, just to keep you in the loop. Because I know you don’t give a shit about Cristina’s speech today. But the spit incident? You have to know all about that!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

¡Gracias a Dios es viernes!

Oh, God, that’s terrible.

You can blame reader Javier V. for that one, a lame Spanish variation of the now infamous TGIF, which as I’ve said countless times, is absolutely forbidden.

Also please stop sending me links to Rebecca Black’s “Friday” music video as if it were some kind of awesome discovery.

It’s not. It’s just not.

It is also very 2011, which means it fails to qualify as a “hot, new thing.”

However, keep sending me what you think should be the new opening for this column so we can replace that dreadful “It’s Friday again!”.

It’s so cheery it makes me sick.

Here are some of your most recent suggestions:

• ¡Por Dios es viernes! (PDEV) – Suggested by English Undergraduate
• Ready for a depressing read? Ready, set, go! – Suggested by Ryan P.
• Otro viernes de mierda! – Suggested by Emma A.
• Your column fucking blows, man. – Suggested by Disgruntled Reader

It’s Friday again!

And remember how nothing happened last week? Well, naturally everything happened this week.

So no preambles this time, let’s get down to business shall we?

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Four more years! (Photo, Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was reelected by a landslide last week! But you probably already knew that, right? If not, you should know I’m judging you in silence. Anyway, not only she became Latin America’s first reelected female president but her party also regained a majority in Congress, which they had lost in 2009. During her victory speech she seemed conciliatory and vowed to keep working to expand the government model that began when her husband became the President of Argentina in 2003. She was seen dancing happily on stage along with his son Máximo and her daughter Florencia, who may or may not be Lady Gaga. Congratulations Madame President!

• Self-proclaimed deity Diego Maradona congratulated President Fernández de Kirchner, and posted a photo of himself on the web with a message for her that contains a few words in English, the language of the capitalist devils. Awkward!

• Great news everyone! US President Barack Obama congratulated President Fernández de Kirchner after being reelected and has asked for a meeting with her next week when they are both in Cannes for the G20 Summit. Yay! Does that mean that the US and Argentina are friends again? I’m telling you, there’s a lot of sexual tension whenever those two get together.

• Horrible news everyone! Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad also called President Fernández de Kirchner to congratulate her. Apparently good old Mahmoud wants to “improve relations” with Argentina, which are a little strained because of the whole “several Iranians blew up a building in Buenos Aires in 94 and I, President of Iran, refuse to turn them in for fair trial” thing. Let’s see how that goes.

• Then there was also British Prime Minister David Cameron, who sent a congratulatory message that quite literally read: “Congrats! We’re still not gonna give you the Falklands though.”

• OK, so it didn’t say it like that, but it still said that the Malvinas/Falklands debate was off the table, and that they would be sending a warship to the area “just in case.” Can’t wait to read what the President’s Thank You note says.

• This Thursday was also the first anniversary of the death of former President Néstor Kirchner, and the entire country got together to remember him fondly and celebrate not his death, but his legacy. Authorities in Santa Cruz, his home province, unveiled his new mausoleum, an ugly-ass building that looks like something out of a Tim Burton film and that perpetuates the notion that he suffered from serious deliriums of grandeur. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the statue they unveiled, which totally looks like a bronze Freddy Krueger about to rip you to shreds with his terrifying glove.

• To conclude this historic week in Argentina, the two puddles of shit that are Jorge “Tigre” Acosta and Alfredo Astiz, two men who became the face of horror after being accused of thousands of deaths and disappearances (and the torture of pregnant women) at the ESMA Navy School of Mechanics during the last dictatorship were finally sentenced to life in prison. Astiz, labeled by many the “Angel of Death” because of his angelic face, was smirking throughout the reading of the sentence like the repugnant slime that he is. Don’t feel bad though, just remember that from now on, every time you go to sleep at night he will be getting raped by eight guys and beaten in the face until he’s rendered unconscious for the next…uhm…well, until he dies.

• Also, because seeing our current Economy Minister and Vice-President-elect Amado Boudou playing guitar on stage is not embarrassing enough, now you’re given the choice to become him too. Forget about Guitar Hero, that’s for mediocre musicians and nerds. I give you Boudou Hero, where you get to play the same song from La Mancha de Rolando, over and over again until you feel like you want to blow your brains out. Pretty much like in real life.

• Mutant-looking mouth and Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tylerwas
  

  Steven Tyler, back when he didn’t look like a tooth-less old lady. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  getting ready for a show in Asuncion, Paraguay, when he slipped and fell inside his hotel bathtub. This is what he looks like now, and he is still cooler than you’ll ever be in your entire life. He rescheduled his shows in Paraguay and today he is getting ready to play in Argentina. (I know, technically the news come from Paraguay so it’s not really local news, but you know, for most of you South America was all part of Brazil or something before you came here, so whatever. Don’t hate me, I’m just applying your logic).

• In other news coming from South America, Chile has now issued a red alert over the possibility that another volcano, the Hudson, might erupt anytime soon and asked for residents living in the area to evacuate. OK, can I just say what everyone is thinking? Yeah, Sebastian Piñera is cursed. Ever since he was elected last year, Chile has gone through a devastating earthquake, a killer tsunami, the Chilean miners drama, a blackout that left the nation’s capital in the dark, a spectacular pile-up in a highway that left many dead, the eruption of the Puyehue volcano, another earthquake, a plane crash on the Juan Fernandez island that killed all passengers on-board, a nationwide student revolt and now ANOTHER volcanic eruption. Dude, for the sake of your people, just quit already.

• Ever heard the expression “Homer Simpson is an Argentine”? Chances are you have, since that is the reason most Argentines use to describe their obsessive and unconditional love for The Simpsons. Don’t worry, it’s all part of the guilt they feel for letting such an American pop-culture icon become so deeply entrenched with the local population, so they use that expression in order to feel better with themselves. Anyway, more “evidence” about the Simpsons’ true DNA was found this week after the media discovered a three-eyed fish near an energy plan in Cordoba. Just like Blinky! This, according to the national media, is more incontrovertible proof that Matt Groening is an Argentine, and now everyone can continue to hate the US without any guilt, which is a relief considering that they are already celebrating Halloween this weekend, and that would be too much.

• **UPDATE** After having to deal with the horrendous fish for over two days, waiting for someone to come and investigate it, the guy who fished it out threw it in the garbage. Like, literally.

• Remember last month’s accident involving a bus and a train, and how authorities vowed it would never happen again? Oops.

• Even after this, the streets are covered in shit.

• It hasn’t been a good week for the football world. First, Lionel Messi failed to score a couple of times when playing for his team in Spain, which in the sports media world translates as “Has Messi gone over the hill?”. Ugh. Shut up, sports media. Get a real job, like regular the media does.

• One guy in the River Plate Club’s board of directors was mad at another guy who had sold him a house with humidity problems so, naturally, he went and stabbed him.

• While Jonathan Botinelli from the San Lorenzo team was in practice, several hooligans who were mad at him (because he was probably not scoring enough goals maybe? Whatever.), naturally, broke into the field and beat him up.

• In a match between Racing and Lanus, some guy fell to the ground and the referee blamed another guy from the opposite team. This guy was apparently not happy about this so, naturally, he went and kicked the other guy in the face while he was still on the ground. Now there’s someone who literally kicks you when you’re down! Lame joke, I know. Do you know how hard it is to come up with fresh material every week?? Gimme a break.

• And yes, I know. “Violence is everywhere, not just football!” you are probably saying. But guess what, I’m biased. Deal with it.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And I’m sick in bed, thanks to the fucking winter. So let’s get on with it, shall we? This medication is making me nauseous.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Notorious womanizer and also Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. Stay away, he might "poke" you. (Geddit? It’s a penis joke. Photo/Wikipedia)

  While President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner was dodging bullets in Mexico and dodging Silvio Berlusconi’s penis in Italy, everyone here continued to be mystified by her apparent decision to delay the announcement that she will be seeking reelection, prompting many to believe she may not be willing to serve a second term. Fortunately, all those doubts were put to rest when big mouth and Kirchnerite lawmaker Carlos Kunkel said on a radio show that she was planning a surprise reelection announcement for June 23rd. He immediately backtracked, saying that he meant to say that “he believed she was planning that but he didn’t really know, y’know?” Needless to say, the entire party came out to attack him, saying that he was never in the loop so he could never know what the President thinks, which absolutely proves that she will be making the big announcement on that exact same day and he ruined the surprise. Poor Kunkel, now everyone in the Victory Front party is like “way to go, asshole!” I love politics.

• Genius Buenos Aires Mayor Mauricio Macri was attending a surprise birthday party for former Lieutenant Mayor Gabriela Michetti, and he had the brilliant idea of twitting about it. He spoiled the surprise, naturally, so when he got there everyone was like “way to go, asshole!” I really love politics.

• After 70 days of uncertainty and a complementary election, people in Chubut finally elected a governor. Due to accusations of fraud, the province’s Electoral Court called for a second round of voting in several polling stations that had presented certain “irregularities.” With only 2000 people having to head to the polls, the result was expected to be almost instantaneous, but it took several hours for governor-elect Martin Buzzi to learn he had won, since the results were being sent via fax.

• VIA FAX. That’s the punchline. A fax? What is this, 1987? If you didn’t laugh at that, you’re an idiot.

• Shocker! Probable deity and football superstar Lionel Messi was attacked (ATTACKED!) yesterday while he was having lunch with some friends in his hometown city of Rosario. Apparently, and according to the hundreds of losers that were waiting for a miserable second of attention outside the restaurant, as he approached his fans to take some photos, a mysterious hooded stranger approached him and “violently stabbed him to death.” Haha, no not really. He just “punched him.” They did say he was pretty violent though. From Spain to Japan, the international press immediately echoed the incident, their headlines denouncing the horrendous attack against their number one pet, and clamoring for the hitman’s head. Even more embarrassing though, is the fact that the idiot who attacked him didn’t even hit him properly. In fact, he didn’t even hit him at all! See for yourself. But, the news is out now and as journalists we’re all expected to sell tons of papers. So we’ll just stick to our “violently punched him” story.

• Hide your wives and daughters (and sheep) everyone! The ladies man himself, Bill Clinton, is back in town! And we all know what happens whenever he visits Buenos Aires! But despite his hardcore partying in Palermo during the night, the former president works hard during the day, meeting politicians and business leaders who want to expand the work of his foundation, the Clinton Global Initiative. So the next time that some local politician tries to score some votes by playing the “I hate America” card, please remember that it’s all a bunch of lies, since whenever they get a chance for a photo-op with a US official, they’ll come begging for a second of attention, just like those idiotic Messi lovers.

• Hurray! The solution to our traffic problems has finally arrived! The Metrobus is here! If you’re sick and tired of having to spend over 90 minutes of your time in getting from Palermo to Liniers, then this is the- what’s that? You don’t even know what Liniers is because you never go beyond Palermo, Belgrano, Recoleta or San Telmo? Sorry, let’s just ignore the whole thing then.

• The 9 de Julio Av. was once again blocked by protesters for a few days
  

  "Hay, ladies" (Photo/Wikipedia)

  this week, this time by soldiers who were in the army back in 1982 during the Malvinas/Falkland Islands War and now demand to be recognized as war veterans even though they were in no way involved in the conflict. The government has kindly offered to meet with them in order to find a solution that makes them happy, but officials have already warned that there’s no way they will be considered something that they are not. These guys should look on the bright side though. Considering the latest movements around the islands (the recent oil finds by Desire Petroleum and the arrival of the HMS Edinburgh warship), I have a feeling these guys may be sent down there pretty soon.

• Bolivian authorities fucked up big time this week when they allowed Iranian Defense Minister Ahmad Vahidi to leave their country even though the Argentine government had asked Interpol for his immediately arrest. You see, local authorities believe that Vahidi was involved in the AMIA terrorist attack that left over 80 people dead in downtown Buenos Aires back in 1994, but he had remained untouchable inside Iran ever since the warrant for his arrest was issued. So when he made the mistake of traveling abroad after being invited by Bolivian authorities to take part in some official celebrations, the Argentine government was outraged and demanded his immediate detention. The Bolivian response: “oops!”. Of course, “Oops” meaning “we don’t want trouble with Iran so we’ll just let him go and then apologize to Argentina for ‘failing to capture him’.” And that is exactly what happened.

• Great news, non-smokers! (I guess I could also say “Bad news, smokers!”). Argentina pulled a New York this week after Congress passed a Smoking Ban Law, set to go into in effect in a year. From them on, it will be strictly forbidden to smoke in any public space, so you’ll only be able to do so at home or while out in the street. Can you imagine, going back home after a long night of pub-crawling and heavy drinking without your clothes reeking of cigarette? Well, if you can, don’t get too excited, because if you think that club owners are going to enforce that law at the risk of losing thousands of customers, you’re dreaming. You see, paying a fine here is still a lot more convenient than losing all your customers, so the answer for you is to either stay at home like some anti-social freak, or start smoking.

• As the debate about whether to legalize marijuana or not rages on, an interesting discussion took place last Tuesday on the C5N news network when pothead and THC magazine editor Sebastian Basalo accused (probable) neonazi and Argentine Anti-drug Association representative Claudio Izaguirre of being a drug trafficker. The conservative lad first throws a glass of water on the guy’s face (gay!) and then spews a couple of insults like “you dirty rat, I’ma beat you up!” It’s all very funny and educational, here, look for yourself!

• Argentina lost 4-1 to Nigeria in a friendly football match this week. Which I guess would be depressing if I gave a shit.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com  or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono