Preface: in order to make today’s roundup a more sensorial, enjoyable experience, I recommend you use this song as soundtrack. Or this one. Whatever.

It’s springtime again!

And if you thought the season of love and sunshine was going to usher in a new era of collective empathy and intellectual enlightenment, then you are FUCKING WRONG.

Yes, it’s warmer outside. Yes, condom companies have been fast to plaster the city with “funny” ads encouraging the younger generations to have sex. Oh, and to use condoms while they are at it.

But no matter how much love is in the air, Buenos Aires is after all the City of Fury, as genius Gustavo Cerati once sang in his classic ode to this concrete jungle, La Ciudad de la Furia.

I know. You can’t listen to this song while listening to one of the songs I recommended at the beginning. Well, figure it out yourself. I’m not your nanny.

Anyway, people are nervous man, they are nervous.

As the pressure continues to build between two factions who, despite my friendly warnings, keep hating each other, everyone is on edge.

Maybe it’s just a sign of the impending apocalypse coming soon to a city near you, when on December 21st, 2012 the four Mayan horsemen of the apocalypse release the kraken on us and nations collapse under the terrible weight of a bunch of Twilight fans angry at the world because Robert Pattinson is an idiot.

Whatever the case may be, the air is charged with negativity and it is clearly affecting us citizens. It’s like in Ghostbusters 2 when that pink goo that only reacted to negative thoughts made everyone fight each other, remember?

No? Really? I’m sure you remember the part when the Statue of Liberty comes to life, which is, like, a minor detail in the plot, and yet you don’t remember the goo?

Ugh, you suck. Like us on Facebook and then go to your room.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  A typical afternoon in the park in Buenos Aires. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Cacerolazo aftermath: Yes, the people spoke last week. But the Government didn’t listen. In fact, many in the Fernandez de Kirchner administration seemed to double down on their stance and directly insulted most of the protesters by calling them “violent, racist, rich angry people, coup-mongers, people who care more about Miami than Argentina,” and even dared to accuse them of supporting former dictator and current monster Jorge Rafael Videla when he took office via a coup d’état in 1976. Smart move Government! This reaction has of course galvanized the angry mobs even more, who have already began coordinating on Facebook to organize a second, larger cacerolazo. So let’s take a look at the most prominent reactions by the Kirchnerite-friendly folks.

• Cabinet Chief Juan Manuel Abal Medina said the protesters were more concerned about what happens in Miami than in Argentina.

• Just like Abal Medina, Kirchnerite Florencio Varela mayor Julio Pereyra also condemned the cacerolazos because these are just rich people who care about themselves. Then he and his family hopped on a plane to Miami for some very much-deserved vacations. No, really.

• And he didn’t fly coach.

• Oh, but it’s OK, don’t judge. It was because he had promised his son he would take him to Disney World. See? So wrong of you to judge. And he’s right, you don’t want to pull a North Korea and have to deal with the corporate rage of Walt Disney.

• And finally, former human rights hero and current parody of herself Hebe de Bonafini said all those who banged their pots that night also supported a coup back in 1976 that left 30,000 people dead. Yes, even those who were born after 1990. I’m not sure how, but they did man, they did.

• Oh, and don’t think that those banging their pots were all level-headed citizens clamoring for a comprehensive change in Government policy either. As usual, there were those calling President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner a Nazi, those who say Argentina is turning into Cuba or Venezuela, and even those who cheerfully chanted, telling Cristina to “go join her (dead) husband.”

• It’s September 21st, which besides being “Spring Day”, in Argentina students also celebrate “Student’s Day“. In Buenos Aires, celebrations consist of going to the Palermo parks, getting completely drunk and beating the shit out of each other. Ah, to be young again.

• Remember when the Indec said that you could eat well for $6 a day and everyone went apeshit and started trashing the entire city because everyone knows that a cheeseburger in Mc Donald’s costs like a trillion pesos? No, you don’t because according to Indec they never said that. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• You know how the media won’t stop talking about how dangerous Buenos Aires is becoming? A robbery here, a murder there? No, you don’t because according to Security Minister Nilda Garré “there has been no increase in crime” in the City. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• Meanwhile, somewhere abroad: the International Monetary Fund (also known as the Evil Brotherhood of Doom) decided it has had enough of Argentina’s tomfoolery and unreliable statistics, and gave the country until December 17th to put its affairs in order. If we fail to do so… get ready kids! Because Argentina could become the first country ever to be censored by the centuries-old brotherhood. I have no idea what that means but it certainly can’t be good. I mean, have you ever seen the censored version of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? They suck.

• This week, in our regular segment “Mother Nature is going to violently kill us all“: a terrible storm hit Uruguay, Paraguay and the Misiones province, and to a lesser extent the City and Greater Buenos Aires areas. Things in Uruguay got so bad that this is how people had to cross the streets in downtown Montevideo. Even Uruguayan president José Mujica, a natural-born altruist, was a victim of the strong winds after he got bitch-slapped in the face while he was trying to help a neighbor in need.

• You know how sometimes you hop on a bus and when you scan your SUBE card it turns out you don’t have enough money for the fare? The rational, civilized response to that predicament is to either make this face to the driver, or to suffer the embarrassment of having to step out of the bus while all the passengers boo you for wasting a couple of their precious seconds. Of course there’s now a third option, which consists of violently beating the shit out of the bus driver until he passes out and the bus drives into a building, hurting 30 people in the process. And yes, that happened.

• Sooooo… I really don’t want this column to be a total downer when it
  

  Uruguay’s president badass. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  comes to the local public transportation system (even though it already is) but if you browse through the City’s 2013 Budget (I know you won’t), you will discover that the Subte system is nowhere to be found, which means that the buck stops here and there are no more subsidies for the Subway next year. What’s that? You don’t know why you should care about this? Because a single Subte ride will go up to $3.90 if the system is not subsidized, that’s why. Feeling miserable yet?

• Of course there’s also the worst case scenario.

• Great news, kids! The Evita bills have finally hit the streets! And what’s great about them is that $100 are not worth shit anymore, so you can totally keep them as a souvenir for when you decide to go back to whatever country you came from because your financial situation in this country has become unbearable. Then you can show it to all your friends and amaze them with an awe-inspiring story of that time you got mugged in San Telmo or that time you got mugged in Palermo.

• A long time ago, gang fights were resolved in a pretty gay manner, which was awesome because differences were worked out through interpretive dancing and no one got hurt. Maybe emotionally, but that’s it. But this new wave of violence has turned us all into bitter beings, no matter how much the networks try to shove Glee down our throats, and gangs have chosen a new venue to resolve their problems: a hospital’s emergency room. At least 25 people were involved in a violent gang fight in a hospital in Moreno which not only terrified the patients and staff but also ended with seven people injured and one gang member dead. So basically it was just like that scene in West Side Story, only less gay. Oh, yeah and with a dead guy after it was over.

• [UPDATE] A few minutes after I published this roundup, this happened. It’s official: God hates me.

• Here’s a good one: Guy riding motorcycle gets violently hit by van in Retiro. Guy just lies there on the asphalt, conscious but badly injured. Reporter shows up out of nowhere, starts shoving microphone on guy’s mouth, asks him Pulitzer-winning question: “How are you doing?”. Ambulance pulls up, stops next to guy. Reporter tells ambulance driver to hurry and help guy. Driver responds he’s just stopping at the red light, he’s got no time to help the guy because “he’s got another patient in the back.” Ambulance leaves. Guy continues to lie there while hungry feral dog starts circling guy. Segment continues live for five more minutes, ambulance never shows up. Segment ends. No one knows whether guy survived or was eaten by rabid dog. What’s that? You are hoping there’s video evidence of all this? Congrats, it’s your lucky day.

This week our sartorial stalking continues in Recoleta. We strolled the length and breadth of this beautiful barrio to bring you the best-dressed Recoleta residents.

There aren’t many bargain hunters and high street addicts to be found here– Recoleta is all about class and elegance. If you’re looking for a barrio to flaunt your faux-fur coat or showcase your best red lipstick this is the place to be.

We hit the streets on another drizzly day to coax out the best in the barrio. Here are the stylish results with photos by Amy Goodrich.

Susana wearing trousers, boots, and an elegant scarf.

Name: Susana

Age: 75

Where do you live? Recoleta

What do you do? Retired

What are you wearing today?

“I’m just wearing what I wear every day – trousers, boots… I don’t know what brands they are really, I just shop where I like, when I like, I don’t follow the young fashions.” 

What do you think of fashion in Buenos Aires?

“There are a lot of clothes for younger people, a lot of shops selling fashion things for young women and girls but there aren’t many shops selling good clothes for older people. I don’t follow fashion, I just like to look smart. I like classic, elegant clothes that are well made.”

Favourite brands/ designers?

“I don’t really have favourite brands or designers, I choose clothes more for the colour and quality.”

Manuela wearing a coat from Religene with a lot of layers.

Name: Manuela

Age: 26

Where do you live? Palermo

What do you do? Designer

What are you wearing today?

“I’m wearing a mixture of things today – some of them are borrowed from friends and my brother. My coat is from Religene. I’m wearing a lot of layers and some knee socks, I really like all of it.”

What do you think of fashion in Buenos Aires?

“I like it, I like clothes in general and in Buenos Aires. I’m originally from Colombia so I like that things are quite different here. I like vintage shops best and certain designers. In Palermo there are really good vintage shops and some of my favourite designers.

Favourite brands/ designers?

I like Religene a lot. I also like Free People, Touche, and Dolfie.

Mariela wearing clothes from all over – England, Argentina and Uruguay.

Name: Mariela

Where do you live? Belgrano

What do you do? Estate agent 

What are you wearing today?

“My coat is from London, I can’t remember where I bought it and my boots are from Argentina, I like the black fur, I’m also wearing quite a lot of things from Uruguay, I often shop there.”

What do you think of fashion in Buenos Aires?

“I like it but I buy a lot of things in Uruguy too because it’s easier. They have less things there but the things they have are good, and it’s more manageable to shop there. Argentina has some excellent designers but there are a lot of copies too. I like fine, elegant styles. Recoleta is very good for buying nice clothes, there are some big designer shops, but really you can buy lovely clothes in all of Buenos Aires, but it’s quite expensive; high quality but expensive.

Favourite brands/ designers?

 I really like a designer called Di Domenico.

Mercedes wishes women dressed in more elegant fashions.

Name: Mercedes 

Age: 60

Where do you live? Plaza San Martin

What do you do? Landlady

What are you wearing today?

“Because it’s been raining I’m wearing a big coat, I’m more wrapped up than usual, I take a lot of pride in what I wear, people say I’m elegant.”

What do you think of fashion in Buenos Aires?

“It’s too informal. In the past, Argentine women were known for being elegant and having a classic style. Now? No. The women now who think they look elegant like too much the informal young fashions. I like the look from years ago, it was a different way of dressing, a different style. Now people only dress smartly for meetings, or dates, it’s a shame.“

Favourite brands/ designers?

“There are things from the big designers that I like but also some that I don’t like. I’ve got an eye for bargains and for clothes, brands don’t really matter to me, it’s all about the way you put things together.”

Miguel's trousers are AY Not Dead and the rest of his clothes are from friends and relatives.

Name: Miguel 

Age: 24

Where do you live? Constitucion

What do you do? Student 

What are you wearing today?

“My trousers are AY Not Dead – they were a gift. I used to like AY Not Dead when it was more alternative but now it’s too mainstream. The rest of my clothes today are from my friends’ uncles and grandparents.”

What do you think of fashion in Buenos Aires?

“I like it, I didn’t used to be very interested in fashion but now I really like going to the vintage markets here. I don’t like to shop at places which are too commercial or designer orientated. I like more classic vintage pieces. I think there are a lot of boring mainstream shops, particularly in areas like Palermo, but there is a lot of intersting stuff too.” 

Favourite brands/ designers?

“Vintage de la Provincia is a really good vintage market” 

“I know you don’t read the news, but it’s friday, I know this.

So I’m going to educate you today.

‘Cause it’s friday, you ain’t got no (real) job,

and you ain’t got shit to do – till 1am when you head to Pacha Jet!”

Did you enjoy that opening? It was a contribution by over-enthusiastic reader Mychael H.

Great job Mychael! I’m gonna put it right here on the refrigerator door. And those who didn’t like it, take it up with him.

Now here’s everything you need to know:

Transgender people throughout the country celebrated that once again equality comes first. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• This week Congress seemed to remember that they are supposed to do something and passed two very important laws. First, the “Gender Identity” law, which seeks to provide citizens the power to “freely develop their personalities in accordance with their gender identity,” and the right “to be treated according to their gender identity.” This, of course, includes their DNI, which will have to state their gender of choice.

• The second law passed is the “Dignified Death” law, which grants terminally-ill patients the “right to express their will concerning the refusal of surgical procedures, artificial reanimation or life-support treatment.” This excludes, however, euthanasia and assisted suicide. Pretty fucking good, eh? Pretty fucking good… (except for religious conservatives, who are running in circles as we speak, horrified by society’s continuous moral decay). So while in the Northern Hemisphere half of the United States is kind of entering the 21st century and North Carolina is going back to the Dark Ages, Argentina breezes in to the 23rd century, maybe.

• And now onto the Brits. They are pissed, you know? And rightfully so, since that Malvinas “Olympics” ad was kind of uncalled for. Sure, it poses a legitimate claim and it helps maintain the Malvinas sovereignty debate alive, but it also brings a political debate into the Olympics ecochamber, which we all know is verboten, even though it has been happening since Nazi Germany, when Jesse Owens (a black guy!) won a gold medal and Adolf Hitler pissed his pants in anger. So the political cognoscenti vowed revenge against the Argentine population and shot back with their ultimate weapon: this.

• Are you kidding me? From all the things you could use to mock Argentina you chose to make fun of… tardiness? I mean, this country is comedy gold and all you could think of was that? OK, at the risk of being deemed a traitor by the Argentine population, let me give you some advice on what you can make fun of next time you want to mock Argentina:

• What Cristina looked like before surgeries.
• Maradona’s 1986 infamous “hand of God” goal.
• The couple who married under the Maradonian church. And yes, that is an actual wedding. Not a joke.
• Argentina’s Nazi past. Next time you enter the Luna Park stadium to enjoy some random concert, keep in mind that 74 years ago, the place looked like this. And that’s not a joke either.
• Mayor Mauricio Macri‘s cringe-inducing, embarrassing rendition of Queen’s “We Will Rock You”. And yes, that actually happened.
• The fact that these sideburns were president from 1989 to 1999.
• The fact that every 80′s movie in Argentina was a ripoff from a Hollywood blockbuster or a hit American TV series. Here are some excerpts of the local versions of: “Alf“, “ET“, “Ghostbusters” (or “Thriller”, if you will), “Airplane!“, and Robocop. Also, I may or may not have one or more of those movies on DVD.
• Finally: please don’t send me emails saying “Legitimate claim? Bla bla bla islands are British bla bla bla self-determination.” I already know all that and I still don’t care.

• President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, of course, was offended at the British for being offended. Here’s her speech about it. Just so you know, she doesn’t say anything she hasn’t said a million times before. She rants about how creativity is a lot better than bombing other countries. A false analogy that I personally loved.

• Sure, now that the YPF expropriation bill has been passed no one in the country cares about it anymore. But the European Union has a long memory, and even though this whole thing happened like ten days ago the political confederation refuses to forget, and this week they warned that retaliation is imminent. Whatever it is they do, let’s hope it’s better than that fucking “tardiness” ad.

• Another dead body found in the Bosques de Palermo area. You sure you still wanna go jogging there? Because it’s all starting to sound a little too much like a scene from The Silence of the Lambs.

• Here’s another photo you can add to Vice-President Amado Boudou‘s Infamous Hall of Infamy, back from when he was a DJ for the fashion world. How he ended up in politics, we may never know. The photo joins other unforgettable classics, such as “Tongue Vs. Tongue” and “Drunk in my underwear.” Enjoy!

• “But this has no information value!“, you say? Oh please. As if you really came here every Friday to be informed.

• Are you one of the millions of Movistar users whose life was seriously endangered for several hours when the company’s service went down a couple of months ago and people couldn’t update their Twitter accounts? If you are not, then skip this, this doesn’t concern you. If you are, then congrats! The wait is over and after many days of great injustice and abandonment, you’re being reimbursed $10 (pesos, not dollars) for all the trouble caused. Yay, Capitalism.

• Are you one of the millions of Claro users whose life was seriously endangered for several hours when the company’s service went down on Wednesday and people couldn’t update their Twitter accounts? If you’re not, then skip this, this doesn’t concern you. If you are, then you’re fucked. Yeah, that’s right. Claro outsmarted Movistar this week, and after many users complained about a massive service disruption the company blamed the Macri administration, accusing some City workers of accidentally “severing a fiber optics cable.” Sure, the Government is again considering a fine against the company, but they have warned that this case is “different” because it somehow accused Macri of fucking something up *wink, wink*.

• Are you a Personal user? Then watch out, you’re next.

• Next time you brag about how cool and elegant it is to live in Recoleta, remind me to bring this up so I can call you a destitute and shut you up for good.

• This guy died, and even though you never heard of / cared for him, it was a pretty big deal because he was one of Argentina’s most beloved cartoonist. Honor him by at least clicking on that link. You don’t even have to read the story, just click on it so you can at least pretend you care.

• Fame hath no glory! Last year it was Justin Bieber and the baseless, shameless accusations that he had
  

  This is the (possible) rapist Wachiturro, not to be confused with the other five Wachiturros who look exactly the same. In fact, I’m not even sure this is the one in trouble, but this is the only photo Wikipedia had to offer, so fuck it. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  impregnated one of his fans, which not only is ridiculous because Justin is like, the best guy in like, EVER and he would never do that, but also because he’s still like fifteen years away from producing sperm. So now, of course, it happened to one of the country’s youngest, brightest talents: Wachiturros smokin’ hot member DJ Memo. Mr. Memo was arrested (and later released on bail) in Santiago del Estero last Sunday after allegedly trying to rape a 13-year-old, who happened to be the daughter of a police officer. Lies, all lies! Also, probably true.

• By the way, considering that two months ago another Wachiturro was arrested before boarding a plane in a Chilean airport for cleverly making a joke about having a bomb or something stupid like that, I guess this means the boy band is now down to only four members. Come back in a few months when two of them are killed while trying to rob a bank and the boy band is downgraded to a duet.

• Also, that former playmate that caused a stir after appearing at a Mexican presidential debate last Sunday is, of course, Argentine.

• In the non-important news department (football), the Argentine Football Association (AFA) has announced a series of changes in their tournaments that I really don’t give a flying fuck about. But since you probably do, here’s some (probably inaccurate) info: Starting in the 2012/2013 season, the new Argentine championship tournament (thanks, Twitter nitpickers) will be divided in two tournaments, each one of them containing 19 rounds. The Apertura and Clausura tournaments will be re-branded “Inicial” and “Final” tournaments, and their respective winners will clash in a final match that will decide the fate of humanity.

• I don’t mean to brag, but I wrote that whole paragraph by myself, no help! OK, I had help. I pretty much stole the whole thing from here and just translated it. Whatever.

• Now here’s an idea that I’m sure is gonna go far: the AFA, that lugubrious nest full of backstabbing vultures, is “studying” the implementation of a possible new system labeled “AFA Plus” aimed at stopping “the power and influence of the barra bravas (or ‘hooligans’) in the Argentine football.” The idea is to register every single football club member and whoever has a history of violence will not be allowed into the game. The anti-hooligan movement was sparked by Independiente president Javier Cantero who said he was sick and tired of violence and is leading a personal crusade against them. Good luck with that! I mean, have you clicked on that Wikipedia link for barra bravas? Despite their absolutely hilarious names in English (“The heavy of the Port”, “The Drunkard of the Stand“), these guys are blood-thirsty goons that will not hesitate to kill you if you stand in their way. And considering that according to that Wikipedia page there’s like a million of them, stopping them means no more audience. Can you imagine? It would be like a dream come true (for me).

• Oh, shit. Here we go.

Property prices in the fanciest neighborhoods of Buenos Aires are on the increase, and buying a house in Recoleta, Palermo or Núñez now costs, respectively, 8.1%, 5.2% and 6% more than last year.

The report, based on apartment prices calculated in US dollars, focuses on a set of fourteen Buenos Aires districts. It has been published in print media and on the Internet and says that the value per square meter in the case of brand new properties ranges from US$2,637 for a house in Belgrano and US$3,257 in Recoleta.

It only considered finished building complexes in good condition, without garages, in areas where the sample of properties allowed estimating a representative average price. Experts therefore laid their eyes on over 6,000 properties.

The districts surveyed were: Recoleta, Palermo, Belgrano Nunez, Caballito, College, Barry, Almagro, Villa Urquiza, Saavedra, Balvanera, San Telmo, Boedo and Flores.

Security Minister Nilda Garré has admitted that drug trafficking networks are operating in the central Buenos Aires district of Recoleta, while acknowledging that it is not the most affected neighbourhood.

Garré’s statement comes after neighbourhood members presented a map indicating specific evidence of insecurity in the area.

According to the minister, Recoleta does not represent “an especially complicated location with regards to drug trafficking in Buenos Aires. There is delivery, as they say, but basically the drug centres are not there,” Garré confirmed in dialogue with news agency DyN.

Neighbours are scheduled to gather to protest against the lack of security measures at 7pm this evening between Vicente López and Junín. They request that action be taken against assaults in shops and on public streets, auto theft and prostitution, in addition to drug trafficking.

Regarding one of the most affected areas of Commune 2, Nelson Durisotti, president of the Association of the Recoleta Neighbourhood, the driving force of the crime map, indicated that “there are four zones with the greatest number of offenses. Three of these zones already appeared on the map in June 2011.

These comprise the Plaza Houssay, Plaza Emilio Mitre and the area surrounding the Rivadavia Hospital, the school San Agustín and the National Library. “Now we have added a fourth, at the intersection of Avenida del Libertador and Callao,” says Durisotti.

Recoleta Cemetery is a ‘must see’ for most visitors to Buenos Aires. Inaugurated in 1822, this miniature city for the dead is home to some 4,870 tombs, including that of Eva Duarte de Perón, which is probably the most photographed of them all.

Julie-Anne Cosgrove, 44, moved from London to Buenos Aires in 2004 to dance tango, but got sidetracked photographing the cemetery. She uses reflections in her photographs – all single shots – to add a mysterious, sometimes playful dimension. “The reflections breathe life into the characters in the stained glass and the statues,” she explains, “and also capture the feeling that we are part of something greater than ourselves.”

Julie-Anne’s photography exhibition, Real Reflections: bringing Recoleta Cemetery to life, opens at 7pm on 29th March at Mallin, Otamendi 300, Buenos Aires, and runs through 28th April. Below is a selection of what you can expect to see at her exhibit.

Weeping Mary, 2010

Speed & light, 2011

Cherub UFO: day, 2009 & Cherub UFO, 2010

Rosary ghost, 2009 & Stairway to heaven, 2010

Double bill, 2010 & Destiny, 2012

War & peace, 2010 & Shepherd boy on the steps, 2010

Praying ghost, 2010 & Renovation, 2011

Two elderly sisters, aged 93 and 89, were found dead yesterday afternoon in their apartment in Recoleta. The police believe they may have been dead for a period of between two to six months. The cause of death is still being investigated and autopsies are being carried out, but there are no signs of violence at the apartment. “The bodies were rigid, like stones,” said one of the witnesses of the find.

A neighbour at the building in Juncal 1837, close to Callao avenue, called the police after he hadn’t seen the women in a while and a nauseating smell was coming from the apartment on the fourth floor. Neighbours had been complaining of the strong smell for a week before someone called the police. “The two women had been missing for months. Everyone supposed they were dead, but no one bothered to report it,” said an employee at a nearby shop.

One of the theories brought forward during the investigation is that they could have died of suffocation after inhaling carbon monoxide, but the neighbours had not noticed any gas leak in the past months.

You see them in every city; on street corners and town plazas alike. One the oldest professions in the world, and not the one that first comes into mind, deserves attention. Street Performers.

Now, I’m not talking about your average guitarist singing popular songs for a centavo or two. Buenos Aires is over-spilling with delightful artistic talent, which seeps onto the streets, for everyone to appreciate.

With a variety of disciplines and themes, this age-old activity relies on a receptive audience as much as it does on the ability of the performer. But when a connection is made, the rest is history.

This week’s top five aims to unveil the best street performers in Buenos Aires; tourist spaces are laced with them, but which ones are the best?

Tango Puppeteer (El Retablo)
Guillermo Bernasconi, 48, San Telmo Market on Sundays

This is my personal favourite and is not to be missed. Tango puppeteer Guillermo has the audience captivated from the word go. With intricate detail, his puppet which looks exactly like a miniature version of himself (they even wear the same shirt) acts a sorrowful drunk, yearning for love on a lonesome Argentine street.

The story unfolds through the melodic path of tango music, and the story changes with each time depending on the song. Though most of the songs refer to a love that has left, others are about drunken oblivion; either way, there are many layers to Bernasconi’s act.

“I love the children’s passion for the puppet, sometimes they scream ‘Nooooooooo!’ when the puppet falls off stage,” he says, referring to the peak of the performance where the puppet is so drunk he can’t even stand on his own stage without dropping off, “some even help him back up!”

Freelance puppeteer teacher as well as performer, vendor and constructor of puppets, when it comes to puppets, this guy is your man. Artisan first and puppeteer later, Guillermo has been in the business for over 20 years and offers a truly professional performance.

Chevere Mime-Clown
Elkin, 30, Parque Bosques en Palermo, Sundays and Saturdays

This crazy character called Chevere will make you laugh, regardless of your opinion of clowns. Attentive to his audience, he will do just about anything to squeeze a laugh out of you. Children and adults alike giggle at his genuine silliness.

His job is to make a fool of himself; he jumps into photos, kills himself with balloon swords, pole dances on to passers-by… the show is endless. With so much energy, Chevere never gets out of his clown zone, so much so that he would not even stop for a chat with the Indy; he was too busy trying to make us laugh. Giving us his business card he proceeded to tie a nonexistent rope around his neck and pull himself across the street.

I literally laughed out loud.

“What I like about working with people is to see how I can directly influence their emotional state, generating sensations in others,” he says.

A street artist for eight years, Chevere studies at Escobar-Lerchundi Mime Theatre, one of the few mime schools in world, here in San Telmo.

Los Extraños de Pelo Largo
Carlos Moñzon, 40, Recoleta on Saturdays and Sundays

It’s hard to describe exactly what Carlos Moñzon does. In essence he dresses up as Michael Jackson with a creepy white mask, taps a symbol and a tambourine in time (kind of) to old rock tunes whilst blowing kisses to his endeared audience. Very little happens, but the show works.

The Los Extraños de Pelo Largo is not your average band. A three man band with only one human being, Moñzon has created his two other members out of various materials. An artist in his own right, he changes his band members’ outfits every three months with his own clothes. All three band ‘members’ have matching multi coloured hats and bob along with the music. Surreal and pleasant, they add a whole new dimension to Recoleta.

Children are bemused by the spectacle and Moñzon relishes it. Kisses, peace signs and love hearts are all part of the act’s parcel if you show any enjoyment.

“I love this job, it’s like no other,” he says as the sun beams onto his band, “there’s nothing better than when children come over and give me kisses.”

Working as a street artist in Recoleta for 17 years, he has definitely earned his spot.

Gaucho Argentino
Cristian Arnez, 39, La Boca, Saturdays, Sundays and holidays

Charming and charismatic, Guacho Argentino sits at the mouth of La Boca covered in gold. He may not say much but he definitely has a great ‘onda.’ As the sun beams onto this strange juxtaposition of a golden bearded man against a back drop of colourful La Boca houses, his mellow Argentine customs also shine through.

With a golden kettle and mate pot, he pours, he drinks, he offers; just like a true Argentine.

Working 10 years as a street artist and five in this particular act, he’s definitely unique. As calm as he is shiny, this gaucho is a great photo opportunity and one that can only be found in Argentina. And if you fall in love with him, you can hire him as a living statue for weddings, birthdays and corporate events.

“The best thing with an audience is when a connection is made solely through the eyes,” he says, “it is a silent dialogue between the artist and viewer which can pass through different emotions – surprise, joy, affection, melancholy.”

Walking Percussion Band
La Boca on Sundays

Loud as they are old, this five piece band is an out-of-the-ordinary Argentine relic. When they start their act, you know because you can hear it from three blocks away. Afro-Latin beats suddenly pound the air, adding a special something to your stroll around the area.

The band consists of five men ranging from 50 to 70 years old, all as jolly as each other, seemingly getting their kicks out making as much noise as possible. The scarcity of teeth and montage of grey hair, added to the bright clothes and the energy between the members, make these a favourite among passers-by.

Just try and avoid the guy holding out the hat if you are not feeling generous—he’s pretty persistent.

Hotel Mio's sleek and elegant design leave nothing to be desired (Photo courtesy of Hotel Mio)

Situated on one of the most sought-after avenues in Recoleta, Mio Buenos Aires captivates you from the moment you open the six-metre high French oak door and cross the threshold.

In a city like Buenos Aires, new places to rest your head are always popping up. Touting bells and whistles designed to lure in tourists, many of these hotels fall short and leave us disappointed. Enter Mio, so meticulously thought-out that no detail has gone overlooked, not one sumptuous service spared. Warm earthy elements combine with sleek modern design to create what aims to be a new paradigm in luxury accommodation.

This fresh approach, combining design, art and the world of wine is run by César Catena, cousin of Nicolás Catena (whose name you’ve seen on more than your fair share of wine bottles). With a focus on business travel and high-end tourism, the family aims to deliver the same stellar quality that people have come to trust from their wines.

As suggested by the name (“Mio” translates to “mine” in Spanish), guests are meant to feel at home during their stay at the hotel. Thirty rooms ranging from 50 to 100 square metres are at your disposition, all appointed with materials like French oak (recycled from wine barrels), marble, inviting linens and modern components like stainless steel fixtures and flat screen TVs. They’re incredibly spacious and luminous, and balconies allow guests to step out for a bit of fresh air. It’s a nice break from the standard stuffiness seen in other hotels, neither too pretentious nor too modest. The idea, after all, is to create an utterly luxe atmosphere.

Touches like a Nespresso machine, full mini-bar and “on-tap” wines – red, white and sparkling – are complimentary and make even the most pedestrian guest feel like royalty. A centrepiece of the room, the bathtubs are carved from single tree trunks and are ceremoniously placed outside the bathroom atop a marble platform, incorporated with the rest of the space. It’s hard to resist the urge to draw a hot bath and slide in after a day about town.

Rich organic elements are seamlessly intertwined with clean, almost industrial lines, lending a unique edge to the space. The hotel is natural and inviting, ensuring that your stay will be nothing short of relaxing and stress-free. Located on the 8th floor, the Spa makes you feel as though you’re in some dense tropical jungle. The lap pool is tiled in a blue so deep it’s almost black, and is accompanied by a waterfall and greenery. A handful of cardio machines provide guests the chance to work off the extra calories hard to avoid in Buenos Aires. On the other side of the Spa are two well-appointed cabanas offering a wide variety of massage and other treatments. Dark woods and stone add to the intimacy of the entire space.

Hotel Mio's restaurant (Photo courtesy of Hotel Mio)

A valued addition to the hotel is the presence of Tô, known for being the first and only restaurant to serve Frapanese cuisine in Argentina. Chef Toufic Reda takes great care to construct a menu designed around only the best ingredients. Quality and innovation are guiding principles here; the lunch menu changes every three weeks, the dinner menu with the seasons. The salmon carpaccio was excellent, and while it was more than disappointing to see cream cheese used in the sushi, the Dragon roll was eye-catching and delicious. Moving toward traditional French cuisine, the grilled sweetbreads with glazed pears in a merlot sauce were indulgent and well balanced. A chocolate and passion fruit dessert was rich but the citrus sauce kept things light. Wine fanatics will be pleased to know that the selection at Tô goes beyond standard Argentine offerings. Bottles imported from countries all over the world result in one of the city’s most extensive wine lists, a welcome change indeed.

When you’re in Mio, you want to stay there. It’s at once fabulous and understated, chic and classic. Sunlight pours in from all sides, and when you aren’t enjoying one of the many incredible services available to guests, you’re napping peacefully on that insanely comfortable bed upstairs. It provides you with respite from the chaos that buzzes outside and is able to meet every need that might arise during your stay. If you’re planning a trip to Buenos Aires, you don’t want to miss out on a chance to be a part of the Mio hotel experience.

Hotel Alvear at night (Photo: Lionel Fernández Roca)

Imposing and majestic, Alvear Palace Hotel stands its ground amongst the impressive hotels that line the street towards Recoleta Cemetery. The hotel is home to four bars: L’Orangerie, La Borbogne, the Cigar bar, and the Lobby bar, each of which is immaculately designed with extravagant fittings. The latter is among the notables, making the list as a result of its history and presence within one of the most prestigious hotels in Buenos Aires.

Fitted wall to wall with elegant French wooden panelling, the bar draws you back to the time when its doors first opened in 1932. Sitting within the plush chairs and gazing around at the array of elite guests it feels as unrealistic as the set of a movie.

Nestled to the side of the hotel lobby, the bar is possibly the most visited of them all, but maybe not the most desired. Among the transitional space of the lifts, with bell boys moving luggage around and throngs of guests being lead to their rooms, the lobby is the perfect spot to wait and sip a glass of wine or coffee while waiting for someone else.

L’Orangerie Tearoom at Hotel Alvear (Photo: Eduardo Mineo)

But perhaps its glory ends there: despite its beauty and ornate features, the bar is lacking a certain charm. The energy or spark the bar once may have had when graced with the presence of stylish Argentines in the 1930s is missing. Thus perhaps a more worthy visit may be L’Orangerie, which boasts a unique afternoon tea with fancy pastries and blends of tea.

The Lobby bar, however, is still in keeping with the refined majesty of the hotel. Adorned with chandeliers and bouquets of red roses, the décor is pristine, and completely in keeping with the range of stylish cocktails served, well-received by the guests the hotel welcomes in.