Preface: in order to make today’s roundup a more sensorial, enjoyable experience, I recommend you use this song as soundtrack. Or this one. Whatever.

It’s springtime again!

And if you thought the season of love and sunshine was going to usher in a new era of collective empathy and intellectual enlightenment, then you are FUCKING WRONG.

Yes, it’s warmer outside. Yes, condom companies have been fast to plaster the city with “funny” ads encouraging the younger generations to have sex. Oh, and to use condoms while they are at it.

But no matter how much love is in the air, Buenos Aires is after all the City of Fury, as genius Gustavo Cerati once sang in his classic ode to this concrete jungle, La Ciudad de la Furia.

I know. You can’t listen to this song while listening to one of the songs I recommended at the beginning. Well, figure it out yourself. I’m not your nanny.

Anyway, people are nervous man, they are nervous.

As the pressure continues to build between two factions who, despite my friendly warnings, keep hating each other, everyone is on edge.

Maybe it’s just a sign of the impending apocalypse coming soon to a city near you, when on December 21st, 2012 the four Mayan horsemen of the apocalypse release the kraken on us and nations collapse under the terrible weight of a bunch of Twilight fans angry at the world because Robert Pattinson is an idiot.

Whatever the case may be, the air is charged with negativity and it is clearly affecting us citizens. It’s like in Ghostbusters 2 when that pink goo that only reacted to negative thoughts made everyone fight each other, remember?

No? Really? I’m sure you remember the part when the Statue of Liberty comes to life, which is, like, a minor detail in the plot, and yet you don’t remember the goo?

Ugh, you suck. Like us on Facebook and then go to your room.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  A typical afternoon in the park in Buenos Aires. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Cacerolazo aftermath: Yes, the people spoke last week. But the Government didn’t listen. In fact, many in the Fernandez de Kirchner administration seemed to double down on their stance and directly insulted most of the protesters by calling them “violent, racist, rich angry people, coup-mongers, people who care more about Miami than Argentina,” and even dared to accuse them of supporting former dictator and current monster Jorge Rafael Videla when he took office via a coup d’état in 1976. Smart move Government! This reaction has of course galvanized the angry mobs even more, who have already began coordinating on Facebook to organize a second, larger cacerolazo. So let’s take a look at the most prominent reactions by the Kirchnerite-friendly folks.

• Cabinet Chief Juan Manuel Abal Medina said the protesters were more concerned about what happens in Miami than in Argentina.

• Just like Abal Medina, Kirchnerite Florencio Varela mayor Julio Pereyra also condemned the cacerolazos because these are just rich people who care about themselves. Then he and his family hopped on a plane to Miami for some very much-deserved vacations. No, really.

• And he didn’t fly coach.

• Oh, but it’s OK, don’t judge. It was because he had promised his son he would take him to Disney World. See? So wrong of you to judge. And he’s right, you don’t want to pull a North Korea and have to deal with the corporate rage of Walt Disney.

• And finally, former human rights hero and current parody of herself Hebe de Bonafini said all those who banged their pots that night also supported a coup back in 1976 that left 30,000 people dead. Yes, even those who were born after 1990. I’m not sure how, but they did man, they did.

• Oh, and don’t think that those banging their pots were all level-headed citizens clamoring for a comprehensive change in Government policy either. As usual, there were those calling President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner a Nazi, those who say Argentina is turning into Cuba or Venezuela, and even those who cheerfully chanted, telling Cristina to “go join her (dead) husband.”

• It’s September 21st, which besides being “Spring Day”, in Argentina students also celebrate “Student’s Day“. In Buenos Aires, celebrations consist of going to the Palermo parks, getting completely drunk and beating the shit out of each other. Ah, to be young again.

• Remember when the Indec said that you could eat well for $6 a day and everyone went apeshit and started trashing the entire city because everyone knows that a cheeseburger in Mc Donald’s costs like a trillion pesos? No, you don’t because according to Indec they never said that. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• You know how the media won’t stop talking about how dangerous Buenos Aires is becoming? A robbery here, a murder there? No, you don’t because according to Security Minister Nilda Garré “there has been no increase in crime” in the City. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• Meanwhile, somewhere abroad: the International Monetary Fund (also known as the Evil Brotherhood of Doom) decided it has had enough of Argentina’s tomfoolery and unreliable statistics, and gave the country until December 17th to put its affairs in order. If we fail to do so… get ready kids! Because Argentina could become the first country ever to be censored by the centuries-old brotherhood. I have no idea what that means but it certainly can’t be good. I mean, have you ever seen the censored version of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? They suck.

• This week, in our regular segment “Mother Nature is going to violently kill us all“: a terrible storm hit Uruguay, Paraguay and the Misiones province, and to a lesser extent the City and Greater Buenos Aires areas. Things in Uruguay got so bad that this is how people had to cross the streets in downtown Montevideo. Even Uruguayan president José Mujica, a natural-born altruist, was a victim of the strong winds after he got bitch-slapped in the face while he was trying to help a neighbor in need.

• You know how sometimes you hop on a bus and when you scan your SUBE card it turns out you don’t have enough money for the fare? The rational, civilized response to that predicament is to either make this face to the driver, or to suffer the embarrassment of having to step out of the bus while all the passengers boo you for wasting a couple of their precious seconds. Of course there’s now a third option, which consists of violently beating the shit out of the bus driver until he passes out and the bus drives into a building, hurting 30 people in the process. And yes, that happened.

• Sooooo… I really don’t want this column to be a total downer when it
  

  Uruguay’s president badass. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  comes to the local public transportation system (even though it already is) but if you browse through the City’s 2013 Budget (I know you won’t), you will discover that the Subte system is nowhere to be found, which means that the buck stops here and there are no more subsidies for the Subway next year. What’s that? You don’t know why you should care about this? Because a single Subte ride will go up to $3.90 if the system is not subsidized, that’s why. Feeling miserable yet?

• Of course there’s also the worst case scenario.

• Great news, kids! The Evita bills have finally hit the streets! And what’s great about them is that $100 are not worth shit anymore, so you can totally keep them as a souvenir for when you decide to go back to whatever country you came from because your financial situation in this country has become unbearable. Then you can show it to all your friends and amaze them with an awe-inspiring story of that time you got mugged in San Telmo or that time you got mugged in Palermo.

• A long time ago, gang fights were resolved in a pretty gay manner, which was awesome because differences were worked out through interpretive dancing and no one got hurt. Maybe emotionally, but that’s it. But this new wave of violence has turned us all into bitter beings, no matter how much the networks try to shove Glee down our throats, and gangs have chosen a new venue to resolve their problems: a hospital’s emergency room. At least 25 people were involved in a violent gang fight in a hospital in Moreno which not only terrified the patients and staff but also ended with seven people injured and one gang member dead. So basically it was just like that scene in West Side Story, only less gay. Oh, yeah and with a dead guy after it was over.

• [UPDATE] A few minutes after I published this roundup, this happened. It’s official: God hates me.

• Here’s a good one: Guy riding motorcycle gets violently hit by van in Retiro. Guy just lies there on the asphalt, conscious but badly injured. Reporter shows up out of nowhere, starts shoving microphone on guy’s mouth, asks him Pulitzer-winning question: “How are you doing?”. Ambulance pulls up, stops next to guy. Reporter tells ambulance driver to hurry and help guy. Driver responds he’s just stopping at the red light, he’s got no time to help the guy because “he’s got another patient in the back.” Ambulance leaves. Guy continues to lie there while hungry feral dog starts circling guy. Segment continues live for five more minutes, ambulance never shows up. Segment ends. No one knows whether guy survived or was eaten by rabid dog. What’s that? You are hoping there’s video evidence of all this? Congrats, it’s your lucky day.

Treasury Minister for the Buenos Aires Néstor Grindetti announced this morning that the city’s 2013 budget will not include subsidies for the capital’s subway system (“the Subte”).

The news comes just ten days after a similar announcement from the national government stating that it will not dedicate funds to Subte subsidies in its 2013 budget either.

Grindetti explained that the city is not bound by any formal obligation to provide funding for the system. Furthermore, “we don’t have any motivation for incorporating that budget item,” he continued.

To questions regarding the possibility of an increase in fare, Grindetti responded, “the federal government will have to decide that.” Authority over the Subte has been in question—and controversy—since January when the state and city began planning a transfer of control. Conflict over each party’s ability to fund the system has significantly hindered management ever since.

During the initial transfer process in January, the federal government decided to retract funding that had been supporting 50% of the Subte’s operating costs, a move that saved the government $60m monthly. Upon assuming management of the system, Buenos Aires chose to raise the $1.10 fare by 127% to its current price, $2.50.

Without Buenos Aires’ supplementary $30m per month, the transportation company Metrovías will have to find another way to finance the subterranean system. Speculations on price increases suggest a $3.90 fare, though those calculations do not take into account inflation nor wage hikes. Mayor Mauricio Macri has been quoted last month as claiming that a trip on the Subte should cost $5.50.

Any changes in fare are likely to occur at the beginning of the year, when the new budget takes affect.

Vice-president of the Financial Commission of the House of Representatives, Fernando Yarade, announced yesterday that the national government would no longer pay for half the subte subsidies in 2013.

The shift is in accordance with the deal made on November 10 of 2011, when the then secretary of National Transportation Juan Pablo Schiavi, agreed to transfer the city’s subte and train lines over to the Government of the City of Buenos Aires. As a part of the exchange Schiavi agreed that the national government would pay for 50% of the subte subsidies for one year.

The pressure will now fall on Mauricio Macri’s government to come up with the roughly $325.8m extra pesos a year, according to La Nacion. He will also have to start negotiating with the metro workers, who are demanding a salary increase of a minimum of 25%.

The change was announced as a part of the government’s 2013 budget, which is being discussed this week. The government started releasing some of the measures and numbers yesterday.

The budget is a reflection of, “a growth of 4.6% and an inflation rate of 8.9%,” said Yarade.

Latin America’s No. 3 economy has slowed sharply this year after the government predicted a 5.1% growth in its 2012 budget. That estimate however, is expected to change with the release of the 2013 budget.

Yarade also explained that the country’s financial plan will “try to keep up with demand, which in 2011 meant a gross investment of 24.5% of GDP.”

“In 2012 the growth has been sustained by consumption. This includes a 7.1% unemployment rate, which is the lowest it has been in the last ten years,” continued Yarade.

The Vice-president of the Financial Commission ended by applauding the growth rate in 2011 and all Argentines for their efforts in making it happen, “this is an effort by all Argentines and the National Executive who knew how to manage the economy for the good of all.”

On a press conference this morning, minister of the interior and transportation Florencio Randazzo announced a series of changes that will be introduced to the use of SUBE, the card used to pay for subte, bus, and train fares in Buenos Aires.

Randazzo explained that from today onwards, once the SUBE card runs out of credit, $7.50 will be automatically credited. This amount will be then discounted when the user tops up their card’s credit. He reiterated that the use of the SUBE card is still necessary to receive subsidised fares on buses. For those who choose to pay with coins, the minimum bus fare is $2, whilst the SUBE subsidised fare remains at $1.10.

The minister also announced that the card can be purchased online, on the SUBE website. It has a cost of $15, plus a $10 postage fee. According to the information on the website, the card is delivered within 10 working days. Foreigners can obtain their SUBE card by showing their passport and completing the relevant forms at any authorised distribution centre.

The national Minister for Interior and Transportation, Florencio Randazzo, held a meeting today at Casa Rosada with Buenos Aires province’s Chief of Cabinet Alberto Pérez and Buenos Aires city Deputy Mayor María Eugenia Vidal. The meeting was organised by the national government to talk about transport issues that affect the three jurisdictions.

After the meeting, Randazzo gave a press conference where he explained the issues discussed. He said that the national government “has one aim and concern, which is to avoid a new conflict,” like the one that halted subte operations in the city of Buenos Aires for ten days earlier this month. On Saturday, the head of subte union AGTSyP Roberto Pianelli threatened industrial action if subte operator Metrovías did not fulfill their part of the deal they agreed upon on 13th August, and asked the city government to make sure this would not happen.

The main objective of today’s meeting was to set up a tripartite transport body, the Metropolitan Transport Agency, as announced by president Cristina Fernández de Kirchner two months ago. The agency will be formed by representatives from the national, provincial, and city governments. Randazzo stated that “there were proposals to formalise the constitution” of the agency and informed that “the government of the city of Buenos Aires will take a further 15 days to make suggestions.”

The minister also commented on today’s ruling by judge Patricia López Vergara, who ordered the city government release the subsidies transferred by the national government for the subte. “The transfer of the subte is a closed deal for us. Now there is a court ruling which tells the city mayor to comply with the agreement signed on 3rd January. She is asking him to use the funds we have been sending since January, and furthermore, she is telling them what he has to use them for,” he said.

Randazzo explained that since January the government has transferred $210m in subsidies to the city, $105m of which have already been used for “operational expenditure.”

When asked about the absence of Buenos Aires mayor Mauricio Macri, who had been invited to the meeting and sent his deputy mayor instead, Randazzo said “You should ask him… so many times they ask for dialogue and dialogue… and today we had a meeting with the agenda that the city proposed.”

It’s Friday again!

And today is of course a very special day for all of us!

No, I’m not talking about today being another holiday to commemorate the death of Argentina’s forefather José de San Martín (which, by the way, was moved to Monday to make it a long weekend for some reason. Wouldn’t Friday be the same thing?).

No, the reason is that this column is turning two years old this week!

It was almost two years ago that out of a drunken epiphany I decided to create a weekly summary of Argentine news for the average (i.e. lazy) expats who took pride in claiming that they didn’t care who the president of this country was.

Hence the first Weekly News Roundup (seen here) was born on a cold, rainy morning of August 20th, 2010.

It was a short, unfunny, half-assed attempt at writing something different that only got two comments, one of them from a friend of mine (meaning it doesn’t count) and the other from some guy who congratulated me for being “very optimist” (I assume he meant optimistic). And look! I hadn’t even adopted the name “Bono” as my nom de plume!

But despite the public’s intentional indifference I persisted because I pretty much had nothing better to do with my life, and a few years, a lot of practice and a lot of hate mail later, this column evolved naturally into the beautiful, stylistic piece of shit prose that it is today.

So even though it’s only 9 AM, I raise my glass and salute you, my loyal readers/detractors who week after week come to this column to laugh/become infected with rage.

This is only the beginning.

And remember to like our Weekly News Roundup Facebook page so you can keep up with the coming changes.

Oh! And I almost forgot: I’m going away on vacation this weekend so don’t expect a Weekly News Roundup next Friday.

I know, scary right? It’s like when you were little and you lost your mom in the amusement park. You knew she would come back eventually because it’s a closed environment, but in the meantime it was up to you to survive.

Well, that’s you next week. Make me proud.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Three weeks ago no one gave a shit about Taekwondo. Some guy winds a gold medal. Now everyone’s a fan. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, who never lets a photo op go to waste, welcomed in Casa Rosada the Argentine athletes who competed in the London 2012 Olympics and, flanked by new national hero and only gold winner Sebastián Crismanich, boasted that since the Kirchners took over in 2003 Argentina has won a total of 16 medals. Sure, when you say it like that you naturally go “That’s it?”, but considering that in the 44 years before the country had only obtained fourteen, she was proud to congratulate those that with perseverance, honor, courage and self-confidence had brought joy to their nation.

• Then of course she fucked it all up by applauding the women’s national field hockey team for kicking the UK’s ass in the Olympics. “When you defeated England, it was like winning a gold medal. It’s a good thing you won! Otherwise I would have been so upset!” she laughed. Hah! Nothing like some healthy incitement to xenophobia in the hands of a charismatic leader. I can’t wait to see what she has in store for Rio 2016.

• Everyone’s favorite mischievous Vice-President Amado Boudou had the dubious honor of being included in a list of trouble-making veeps from around the world published this week on Foreign Policy. Along with Boudou are four other VP superstars, including Sierra Leone’s Samuel Sam-Sumana and Sudan’s Ali Osman Taha. It’s like the international affairs version of The Breakfast Club, in which Boudou is obviously Emilio Estevez and Sam-Sumana is a machete-wielding Judd Nelson. I don’t know about you but I would totally pay to go see that.

• Now, I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about what was probably the biggest story of the week, involving the Indec national statistics agency and their infamous report saying that you can eat with only $6 pesos a day. Even though most of the media coverage surrounding that story was not entirely accurate, everyone knows their inflation index is nothing short of a joke. So the Argentine chapter of the hacktivist group Anonymous, obviously not amused but such a blatant display of disregard for the public’s intelligence, decided that it was fair game to hack the Indec’s website, just for shits and giggles.

• After the most nightmarish and paralyzing week to have ever been experienced in Buenos Aires since the Toddy cookies disappeared from the shelves, the subway workers came to a “feeble” agreement with the City Government and Metrovías after ten days of strike. The most important part of this paragraph is the word “feeble,” since it means chances are we’ll be dealing with another strike in just a couple of weeks.

• As further evidence that this is a ticking time bomb of unfathomable proportions, the City government has announced that five new subway stations have been finished but cannot be opened to the public because there aren’t enough trains.

• Jesus, just shut down the whole thing and leave it there. Don’t you watch scary movies? Worst case scenario, it becomes a hideout for comic book villains and mutant creatures that feed on homeless people. At $2.50 a ride that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

• Now that the Olympics are over and Argentine athletes don’t have to worry about being deported from England before obtaining any medals, we can all go back to the usual bickering about the Malvinas/Falklands. Newspapers around the country were horrified over the impending arrival of a warship to the islands this week that they themselves announced only a few months ago and now seemed to have completely forgotten about it.

• And because one Malvinas/Falklands-related scandal a week is obviously not enough, the local media decided to run a shocking non-story accusing the Uruguayans of referring to the islands as “Falklands” instead of “Malvinas,” as any respectable non-imperialist Latin nation would do. The preposterous and offensive error was found in some random document no one gives a shit about and was clearly the result of an hungover intern, but that did’t stop the local press from pretty much accusing the Uruguayans of treason. Fortunately President José Mujíca apologized in time before both nations broke relations and announced he would launch “an official investigation”. No, he did. Like, for real.

• Awesome news, everyone! Finally here’s something you can show your parents so they can shut up about how you’re throwing your life away in some South American city that is slowly spinning into the boiling rivers of the Underworld. According to prestigious magazine “The Economist,” Buenos Aires has been picked as Latin America’s best city to live in. In your face, Brazilian Buenos Aires!

• And those of you who complained about the current state of things in this country and moved to Uruguay, you can stay there. We don’t want you back.

• The Córdoba province, not content with trying to expel all prostitutes from its sovereign territory a few weeks ago, is now openly warning that if you have an “amputated penis” you cannot join the police force. That’s right, transsexuals! If you wanna be a cop you gotta take it like a man. That means: have a penis. The new regulation also rejects people who are missing one finger, have diabetes or a stutter. Keep making everyone proud, Córdoba! I can’t wait for you to outlaw divorce and reinstate the use of leeches for curing cancer.

• And speaking of fucked up provinces, remember Salta? You can now add this to the list of weird crimes taking place there. Seriously that place needs its own special CSI unit. Just stay away from it.

• Ready to be enraged? Here’s a domestic violence video that was all over the news and went viral this week showing a coward asshole beating his ex-wife in front of their daughter.

• Ready to be enraged even more? His only punishment is to stay away from the woman for 90 days.

• As more cases like these continue to surface, at least one political party has reacted in some sort of way and called for Congress to declare a national emergency on gender violence, since according to a new report cases have increased a 57% in the last two years.

• OK, this is the part you don’t want your parents to know about. Just stick to the article on The Economist and you’ll be fine.

• This week, in Completely Unnecessary Displays of Self-confidence:
  

  You will never look at Delacroix’s painting the same way after being exposed to Moria Casán’s intoxicating photographs. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  former erotica star and current wrinkled grandmother Moria Casán wants you to know that she is not losing any sleep over accusations that she stole an $80,000 necklace from a Paraguayan jeweler. So she agreed to a racy and gag-inducing photo shoot for Noticias magazine, in which she impersonates Lady Liberty herself, spear in hand and Phrygian cap on wig. The photos are NSFW but don’t worry, the worst parts are censored, praise Jesus. Just make sure you don’t click on that link with the lights off.

• Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

• Agh, who am I kidding. I wasn’t even gonna go.

• And regarding football: it’s been awfully quiet lately. It’s almost as if such dead calm is announcing a coming storm that will explode in a ravaging sea of fire and fury, destroying everything in its path until no living thing is left standing. The hooligans are silent, the players aren’t engaging in prostitution scandals and the sports commentators are surprisingly accurate during the games. So since there’s nothing interesting to tell, here’s the gruesome video of a leg fracture during an Argentinos Juniors match last weekend. Enjoy!

The subte strike that affected millions of commuters in the city of Buenos Aires since Friday 3rd August was lifted last night, after the AGTSyP union, private subte operator Metrovías, and the city government reached an agreement regarding working conditions. Subtes started running again at 5am this morning.

After days of fruitless negotiations, AGTSyP (Trade Union of Subte and Premetro Workers) signed a provisional agreement with Metrovías, which includes “improvements in working conditions, changes in leave entitlements, and a re-categorisation of wage levels” according to the union’s press release. The agreement, however, does not include any mention to the demanded wage increases.

“Our wage [increase] has not been solved. We are the only workers who have been waiting for eight months to hold a collective bargaining process, when there are already 1,500 collective bargaining agreements closed in the country,” said AGTSyP secretary-general Roberto Pianelli in a press conference last night.

Last Friday, Metrovías signed another agreement with UTA (Transport Worker’s Union), promising a 23% wage increase for subte workers. However, this is conditional to the city and national governments solving their dispute over control of the subte lines. Buenos Aires mayor Mauricio Macri decided in March not to go ahead with the transfer agreement he had signed with the national government in January, by which the city would take ownership of the contract with Metrovías.

Since then, the transport subsidies the national government transferred to the city – an estimated $124m – have been locked away in a bank account and the city government has refused to withdraw them, claiming it is not their responsibility. During the strike and subsequent negotiations, Metrovías demanded the city government free up those funds to be able to meet the workers’ demands, as well as to operate the service in a safe manner.

AGTSyP was not part of the wage agreement signed by UTA. The latter is the official union, but represents a small percentage of the subte workers. AGTSyP is a breakaway union with majority representation, which is also demanding to be recognised by the government as the genuine representative of the subte workers.

The strike has been suspended for now, and negotiations between the workers and the company will continue. However, the underlying dispute between the city and national government regarding control of the subte has not been solved.

As the subte strike continues into its 10th day, Néstor Segovia, assistant secretary of the Trade Union of Subte and Premetro Workers (AGTSyP), said there is a “light of hope” in the conflict. Segovia told media he sees the possibility of there being a resolution to the strike by the end of the day.

Segovia also says there is the possibility of a truce, so long as workers receive positive responses to their demands.

In the longest subte strike in Argentina’s history, which has shut down services to the city’s six lines, workers are asking for a 28% pay increase and better working conditions. Roberto Pianelli, secretary-general of AGTSyP, said workers were willing to discard the wage negotiation issue, so long as working conditions were addressed.

On Saturday, the City government announced compulsory conciliation, a $5m fine for the union, and a lawsuit threat. AGTSyP rejected the conciliation and fine.

The subte strike has affected some 900,000 of the city’s commuters who use the subte each day.

Buenos Aires City Mayor Mauricio Macri said he saw “no way out” of the subte conflict, and because the union has close ties with the national government, said the strike is an attack on the City.

The ten-day subte strike has brought the city of Buenos Aires to its knees as commuters try to make their way in and through the city of three million residents. More cars are on the road, which just increases the traffic and the delays all around. Tempers are flaring on all sides of the conflict and cooler heads are having a hard time prevailing and the porteños are making do as best they can. Photographers Beatrice Murch and Madeleine Decker bring you a glimpse of the chaos.

It’s Friday again!

And if you live in Buenos Aires, chances are you’re pissed off right now.

It’s been the worst week ever in this city. Dreadful weather. Nightmarish traffic. A seven-day, record-breaking subway strike, and on top of that Nick Carter is in town.

Oh, don’t worry, I had to google him too.

This is an insult to your porteño-centric view of the world. Buenos Aires ain’t the expat sanctuary it once used to be, is it? I mean Nick Carter, really?

What is this, a cruise for singles headed to Saint Kitts and Nevis, or any of those other Caribbean islands with the pretentious names?

And those kids from One Direction should take a hint and exploit their current fame as much as they can. Because one moment you’re selling thousands of seats for the Madison Square Garden and BAM! Ten years later your selling less than ten tickets for the Gran Rex Theater in Buenos Aires and people find out you’re in town thanks to this shitty column.

You’re welcome.

Please don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook so you can keep up with future columns.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Buenos Aires this week, as seen through your window. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Oh, boy. We’re never going to hear the end of this. In a controversial speech this week, the Queen of Diversity and also President of this country, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner finally put us all smug Europeans in a corner and called us for what we really are: a bunch of racist idiots. Oh, yes, she did. But let me give you some context information, because otherwise it sounds horrible:

• While opening a new school for the Qom indigenous community in the Chaco province so they’re distracted with something and finally stop bothering her, she started talking to Chaco governor Jorge Capitanich about how even though he looks indigenous his ancestors are actually from “xenophobic” Europe. As some in the audience squirmed in their seats, she doubled down by saying “What!? Europeans are all xenophobic!”. Half a second later she realized of her egregious fuck up and rolled her eyes. “Oh, I’m never going to hear the end of this tomorrow!” The bunch of seals applauding in the audience kind of agreed.

• After buying some time, she non-apologized by saying she had never said what she said two minutes earlier and clarified that she also comes from European ancestors, although “we must admit that there’s an important part of Europe that has a xenophobic component.” To prove her point, she mentioned the Inquisition. It’s like being in a history class! Only the teacher is drunk.

• My favorite part is when they start discussing Hugo Chávez’s ethnicity. “He’s kind of a half-breed, isn’t he? He’s half-indigenous and something else?”. Fortunately, Domestic Trade Secretary Guillermo Moreno was sitting in the audience and contributed by saying “Africa! Because he’s got curly hair!” Ha! Someone should give these people a reality show.

• But not all is lost with Cristina, because this week she finally had it with the press making up stories about her, and as she attended the opening ceremony of some new YPF technobabble technique used to increase hydrodesulfurization of gas in the country or some incomprehensible thing like that, she went on live television to denounce the many, many lies of your favorite newspapers Clarin and La Nación regarding YPF and said she wanted Congress to come up with a public ethics law, that forces journalists to say which companies are backing them financially so at least you know whose interests they are representing when they criticize her untarnished administration.

• This, of course, means I’m fucked. Because according to some of you, my loyal – yet dissident – readers, these are some of the people/organizations that include me on their payroll in order to “talk shit about this country in a column that no one reads”: the UCR, Mauricio Macri, the CIA, ExxonMobil, Hugo Chávez, the US Embassy in Buenos Aires, the Victory Front, Julian Assange, David Cameron, the Malvinas/Falklands islanders and also my mother, because I remember one reader wrote to say he wondered “how much money my parents were paying The Argentina Independent to let me write so much crap.” So yeah, I guess that includes my mom too. As you can see, I consider all your letters to be special and I keep them close to my heart.

• Moving on to what is probably the story of the week: a surfing cat!

• No, I’m kidding. This week, the city of Buenos Aires has become the epicenter of panic and despair as subway workers continue with an eight-day strike that has forced millions of people to walk, take cabs, ride bikes or – God forbid – take buses. Have you even tried to ride a bus during rush hour? Try it! It’s fun. You get yelled at by the bus driver, you get yelled at by old ladies, you get yelled at by people who are outside the bus and hate you because you’re inside the bus and you get poked and prodded by a lot of male genitalia (FYI: it doesn’t matter if you’re a guy).

• Meanwhile, in the dark caverns of the underworld (meaning, below the city, in the subway stations): THIS.

• Yeah, that’s right. Those are the subway workers on strike, screening a movie inside one of the cars. I can imagine them all giggling in their pajamas, throwing popcorn at each other and stuff, God bless them.

• Also, there’s this little campaign making the rounds on the social networks, calling on all citizens to respond to this week’s strike by refusing to pay to ride the subway next Monday. First of all, you’re delusional for thinking by Monday the subway will be working again. What kind of utopia do you think we’re living in? Mexico City? And second, let me know how that stunt goes for you when the cops start beating your head with a baton. Good luck!

• Because the city wasn’t enough of a mess this week, as thousands were forced to take the Mitre train line to go to work, the train obviously derailed. 31 people were injured in the crash. You knew it was going to happen.

• The train station in Retiro, one of the busiest ones during rush hour, was forced to shut down the Mitre line due to the crash. By Tuesday night, Buenos Aires was about to collectively kill itself.

• Another derailment took place on that same line one day later.

• Twice.

• And a day after that: this. How’s that for a late reaction, huh?

• Fun fact: Stay away from the Santojanni Hospital, that place is cursed. Seriously, if you go there because you have a headache chances are you’ll end up in a body bag after receiving multiple stab wounds. In the last year a man was stabbed and killed in the emergency room, two gangs of hooligans clashed in the hallways and now an angry mob completely trashed the place in response to an alleged malpractice case. Doctors in the city’s public hospitals went on a 24-hour strike to protest the lack of security staff in the premises, which of course amounted to absolutely nothing.